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Outside with lots of towels and four handlers to stuff him in a wire mesh cage.

How do you bathe a cat.
You tie the cat to a tree and you take a hose, connect it to a tap and spout the water on the cat. (PS Tying the cat to the tree is the most important element failing which the cat will not enjoy its bath!)

How do you treat a lady by acting like a gentleman?
I remove my hat; climb under the sink; turn off the hot and cold water inlet valves; climb out from under; remove the hot and cold faucet handles; unscrew the faucet innerds; replace the soft washers; replace the innerds and handles; climb back under; turn the two valves back on; climb out; test the faucets by turning on and off to esure they no longer leak; say "G'day" to the lady; replace my hat on my head and leave.

How do you skin a Cat? Not the feline variety, but the yellow Caterpiller brand crawler tracter.
To do this you should follow the following simple steps:
1) Get a path and put on clean clothes
2) Get in the cat, switch it on
3) Look for a suitable building or wall
4) drive as fast into it as you can
5) Repeat step 4 until only you remain

How do you catch a thief?
1. Suspend large net
2. Catch small piglet
3. Tie piglet under net
4. Wait for thief
5. Offer to sell thief pig
6. If he buys, he isn't thief
7. If he refuses, wait
8. If he grabs pig, drop net
9. Thief caught

How do you spell GHOST a different way phonetically?
It is spelt F A N T O M E as the froggies will confirm.

How do you pass your exams?
Same way you get to Carnegie Hall: practice, practice, practice.

How do you blow up a bicycle tire?
You take a hand pump and pump your tire. Then you go a long trek and you keep cycling as long as your tire do not explode!

How do you fry potatoes?
Go to the grocery store and buy a bag of crisps (tater chips in the US); dump them in a pot of water until they are soggy; meanwhile heat a frying pan and add bacon fat and saute freshly diced onion; drain the potatoes and dump them into the frying pan; and fry them until the crispness is starting to return. Serve them with fried eggs and tomato ketchup. Enjoy!

How do you serve a tennis ball?
Put it in a slow cooker with carrots and potatoes and beef broth, turn cooker on low and leave to simmer for a night and a day. Serve with fresh bread.

How do you crack an egg?
You take an egg and hold in firm with one hand. To crack its shell, which i hardly need to tell how hard is, you have to take a hammer and hit it several times as hard as you can. If the shells break instead of cracking repeat the first step (some eggs shell are weaker!).

How do you cook noodles?
1) Put them in a microwaveable bowl
2) Place in microwave oven
3) Heat on high setting for six minutes
4) If they are still hard after that amount of time Elf With a Big Grin Smilie
4a) Add water and repeat steps 3) and 4)
4b) Else goto step 5
5) Remove from oven
6) Drain
7) allow to cool for 2 minutes prior to eating.

How do you open a can of soda pop?
1) You put it in a horizontal position
2) You go fetch a saw and a pen
3) You mark a line 2 cm away from the top
4) You take the saw and saw off the marked part.
5) That's all you can stop reading and open your can

How do you kill a rat?
Buy rat trap at hardware store, set trap using bacon as bait, then wait!


How do you give a dog a shower?
Hold him by the neck and throw him in a lake. Repeat procedure several times until it is clean.

How do you mow the lawn?
I litter the field with tin cans and then I hire a goat and let him have at it.

How do you flap a jack?
I don't understand the question. Sorry Elf With a Big Grin Smilie Can I have some more hints?
Do you know how to flap a towel? Do you have a jack in the trunk of your automobile? Do you know how to flip a pancake (hotcake, flapjack)? Those should give you enough info to get your juices flowing towards answering my obbscure question. Elf With a Big Grin Smilie
Flapping a jack is very simple Elf With a Big Grin Smilie. All you have to do is throw the jack down and jump on it for as long as you can and you will get a flapped jack.

How do you broadcast yourself on youtube?
You remove youtire from youautomobile; then youremove youtube from youtire; and youplace youtube in the youcenter of youlawn-to-be. Next youstand in youcenter of youtube; youchop youself into very small youcubes; then yousprinkle youcubes liberally around you; and finally youwater youlawn-to-be, in hope that all the youcubes will sprout and grow into many youyous. Elf With a Big Grin Smilie

How do you write an essay about your worst subject in school?
That was wonderful grondy I give you the post of the week for thisElf With a Big Grin Smilie

You take your pen, paper and start writing about you teacher and headmaster. Once you're finished you go to show thme your master piece and it is a guarantee than you'll be surprised about the outcome!

How do you tackle a player running with a ball?
You take your bat/racquet/mallet and whack the player in his shins.

WARNING: Do not use this method if the player is female; they'll never let you live it down; so just head-butt them. But don't come crying to me if they take umbrage.

How do you peel a banana?
You put some water to boil. Once it reaches boiling point you put the banana in it and let it boil for 15 minutes. Once the time is up remove the banana, take a folk and remove the skin while its still hot. If it cools down and you haven' yet peeled re boil it and repeat process.

How do you show your girlfriend/wife/lover that you appreciate her birthday gift to you
You wear it during every waking hour and at night, only removing it to shower. After a few days of this she'll tell you to take it off, and you probably won't be required to wear it again.

How do you prepare Roadkill Stew?
You need to find a land ranger or any vehicle near to its size. Add a crash breaker to it. You can also add some razors if you want but that is purely optional and depends on tastes. Then you take your vehicle on the road and try to run over any moving thing you see. After thirty minutes you go back home and soon some guys are going to come knocking on your door with your roadkill stew.

How do you play domino
You place the tiles face down on the table and swirl them around to mix them, then you each draw an equal number (about six) from the pool; and keeping their values hidden from your opponent(s); you take turns trying to match pairs, which you can discard on the discard pile. If you can't make a discard you draw a tile from your opponent on your left, if that will give you any match, you discard the pair, else you draw from the pool until you get any match and discard that pair and it is your opponent on your left's turn. The winner is the person who gets rid of all their tiles, the loser is the last one holding the Old Elf Sticking Tounge Out Smilie Maid. Teacher Smilie

How do you play Hop Scotch?
You draw a hopscotch board on the concrete walk made of squares. you put your marker on the first square and hop onto it on one foot then turn and hop back without landing on the lines. Next player does the same. Then first player tosses their marker to the second square and hops into the first and then the second squares and back again a before repeat with the remaining squares except the third and fourth are side by side so you land on both feet, same with the semicircle at the top. The loser is the one who loses their balance or steps on a line. This is a flawed memory, I'm sure!

How do you iron a shirt?
I haven't ironed a shirt in many a year, even when I wore them to work every day. Not since they started adding a little polyester to the cotton in them. The funny answer would be:

You fold them military-wise and place them under your mattress.

How do you pick blackberries?
You need a magnifying glass and a net for this. You need to search for a small quiet stream. Once you find one you use your magnifying glass to scan the waters and once you see small black round things in the stream you use your net to pick the berries.

How do you go for a walk with your dog?
You get the leash, say 'walkies', atach the leash, open the door, and Swooooosh!!!

How do you obtain your Grey Poupon (American Dijon-style mustard)?
You go to the white house and you go on strike there until you're given the Mustard. If it doesn't work you can still send a hundred emails to the president each day and my the end of the month you will obtain your mustard.

How do you climb a mountain?
Just like everything else in life: one step at a time.

How do you frost a cake?
This can only be done in winter. Once it is snowing heavily you go outside, you dig a hole, put the cake in it, cover the hole and go back inside. Thirty minutes later you can go and retrieve your cake and you'll have a frosted cake.

How do you achieve success?
You go to Carnegie Hall and practice, practice, practice.

What do you use to measure success?
A 1 foot ruler. Its the only measure able to accurately measure success as its a superlative thing.

How do you weed your garden
Like I said in the Khazad-dumish Inn the other day, with my pink parasol.

How do you climb a tree?
I buy an elevator and have some men build a small building next to the tree where the elevator will be placed. Once it's completed I get into the elevator, push the up button, and stop at the top where I open the elevator's door and jump on the tree.

How do you build a swimming pool?
I dig a hole in the ground and pour money into it.

How do you catch a frog?
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