<<                  >>
Ok here we go:
An American, Brit, Frenchman, a Belgian and a Turkish man are sitting together on a plane. The American chap takes a suitcase from under his seat, opens it and shows it to the others. It's full of dollars. Then he opens the window and throws the suitcase out. "What the **** did you do that for!" the others yell. "Oh, it's ok, we have enough money in America." Then the Brit takes a suitcase from under his chair, opens it and they all see it's full of beer. Then he opens the window and there goes the suitcase. "Loads more from where that came from!" The Frenchmen doesn't want to stay behind, so he trows a suitcase full of wine out of the window. The Belgian is getting a little worried now. What can he throw out of the window of which he has enough in Belgium? Then he looks at the Turkish man. "Oh no, don't you even think of it," says the Turk.
And, lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take
a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of
long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto
her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods, when
trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a
but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the
towns and drums
in between to send postBodys saying what you have for sale and they will reply
telling you which
hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by
Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.
And Dot said, "There will be a lot of banging in the land."
And Abraham replied, "It is my most fervent wish that this be so." And the drums
and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top
without ever moving from his tent.
But his success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside
drum and was accused of insider trading.
And the young did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly to camel
They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for
And, lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening
sound of drums, that no
one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother
William of Gates, who
bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums
that would only
work if you bought Brother William's drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by
others." And as
Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay,"
"We need a name of a service that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"Whoopee!" said Abraham.
"No, YAHOO!" said Dot Com.
And one more little joke for luck...
A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"
He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."
The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned."
The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
Yeah, I know it's obvious and crap but it tickled me.
What a laugh those are!!
okay, comp joke-
Q: What goes "Pieces of Seven, Pieces of Seven, Pieces of Seven"?
A: A parroty error!
So I went back and deleted them and a bunch of others. Sorry, but in case we have some kids who haven't already been exposed to to such stuff on their playgrounds, I'm not going to expose them to it here.
[Edited on 25/5/2002 by Grondmaster]
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a near-by mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked his Father, ''What is this, father?''
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is.''
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped
The father looked at his son and said, ''Go get your mother.''
Anyhow, on a far more tasteful note, here's the ultimate in punned CVs...
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned couldn't
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they
gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly
because it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef--figured it would add a little spice to my life but I
just didn't have the thyme.
Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't
cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net
Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work
was just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.
So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but they said I wasn't fit
for the job.
Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a
historian until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always
the same old grind.
An English proffessor at a university decided to present a new type of in-class assignment. A tandem story, something like our story boards, except it was done between two students. I think it accurately highlights the differences between writers of literature and genre (entertainment) writers. (I consider myself to be one of the latter btw).
At first Laurie couldn't decide what kind of tea she wanted. the Chamomile, which used to be her favourite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who oonce said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
Meanwhile, Advance Sergent Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago.
"A S Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator, "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..."
But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jold from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalising the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel" Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out of the window, dreaming of her youth - when days had passed unhurridly and carefree with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become an adult?" She pondered wistfully.
Little did she know, she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Au'udrian mother ship launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress hed left Earth a defenceless target for the hostile alien empires whe were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Au'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverise the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they vapourised Laurie and 85 million Americans. The Presiden slammed his fist on the table "We cant allow this! I am going to veto that treaty! Lets blow 'em away!"
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, semi-literate adolescent.
Yeah? Well you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of valium.
I know who's side I am on!
(hope this joke wasn't too book-ish )
[Edited on 10/5/2002 by Allyssa]
Or was the joke that some-two actually tried to accomplish it?
In the monastery...
Brother George is rather concerned that all of the monks spend their time copying manuscripts by hand. They copy the copies and then these are copied by other copiers and so on. All the manuscripts look beautiful, but the Brother George is concerned about this way of doing things.
He visits the Abbot and expresses his concern that if they are constantly copying copies there is a real danger that any mistakes will be blindly repeated. The Abbot tells him that he is being oversensitive and sends him away.
Two days later, no-one has seen Brother George since his meeting with the Abbot and a search duly ensues.
He is eventually discovered sobbing in the cellars where the original manuscripts are stored for safekeeping. After much prompting he is heard to say 'it says Celebrate!'
Here's another good one for ya:
Q: Imagine you're in a traffic jam, with on your right a big abyss. On your left is a big lorry, behind you is a helicopter and in front of you a huge pig. What do you do?
A: You tell the guy who runs the carrousel to stop the bl**dy thing and let you get off!
Here are some less intellectual and hopfully more amusing little quotes from an international tourist. Apparently true.
In a Paris elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk
In a Yougoslavian Hotel: The flattening of underwear, with pleasure, is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Othodox monastary: You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In a Bangkok Dry Cleaners: Drop your trowsers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking
In a Zurich Hotel : Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested the lobby be used for this purpose.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and heates. If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
Oh well, I thought they were funny.
I AM A BARGAIN BOOK - DO NOT DAMAGE ME OUT
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do, why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead out there!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside, and sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion.
The Lone Ranger got water for the horse, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver, and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe," and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says
"Nothin, but you left your Injun running."
Caution: Not sure if this is funny
A three legged dog hobbles into a bar.
"What can I get you?" asks the bartender.
"I'm looking for the man who shot muh Paw." says the dog.
-got that out of a Melb. newspaper.
I AM A BARGAIN BOOK - DO NOT DAMAGE ME OUT
I have kept that strip in hope that someday, somewhere, I might obtain the true meaning of those cryptic words.
ooh ooh I know this! I used to work in a store, and (there, at least) if something was old or broken or whatever, we'd have to 'damage it out'...which basically meant you took the sku number and marked it on inventory as damaged...then either the company took it as a loss or else we sold it for dirt cheap (or an employee took it home... ) Probably that book you bought had been in the store for a long time and so they marked it down a whole bunch and just wanted to be sure that some hapless SA didn't come along and try to get rid of it...
Now if I could just remember which book it came in, not to mention where I bought it.
42: I liked your good masked rider pun. "What you mean we, white man?"
is the punch line from another old Lone Ranger joke.
Allyssa: Your joke is still funny, but I think the oral version works better.
[Edited on 17/5/2002 by Grondmaster]
Yours was good too Alyssa, but those are the kinda jokes I like to be told to me... You know... In other words, I think Grondy was right. Doesn't damage the joke in itself though... Now if only I could remember a good joke...
How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Where are their priorities?
When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the
the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often
see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot
its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a
Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?
If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns,
beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and frisbee flight paths.
What do humans understand?
Are there dogs on other planets, or are we alone? I have been howling at the
stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street!
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our
what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets again?
And here's a bit of a giggle which won't offend anybody able to read this!
10 signs your Amish child may be rebelling...
10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6am.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.
7. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."
4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.
3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."
2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."
1. When you scold or criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"
A very pious man kneels down to pray one night.
he says: "God, I need to win the lotto.I've lived my life according to the bibles teachings,but the wolves are at the door.Please"
The lotto goes by without him winning it.
Again,the next night he kneels down to pray and he says:
"God, I'm going to lose my house and my car.Please,I'll be without home if I don't win"
Again another week goes by without him winning it.
yet again he kneels down to pray
"God, Please I'll donate every penny of the winnings, bar what it takes to get me out of this, to charity if I could just win.Please."
Suddenly a booming voice comes from above.
It says "Dave, at least meet me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."
Very good point Alyssa, I think he's too stupid to notice what I do anyway...
Still, check these, very funny...
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously a
nd answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Why Americans Shouldn't Be Allowed To Travel
The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:
1. I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
2. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost information, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
3. I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response was "click".
4. A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
5. I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the map."
6. Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
7. A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
8. A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while "I looked into it," (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained that the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
9. I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.
10. "A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
11. A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double-checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
12. A woman called to make reservations. "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"
And one for Thursday....
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him how much further they had to go.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said
"Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologised and said he didn't realise that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied "Sorry,I guess it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver -
I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years."
Bill Gates died and found himself in purgatory being sized up by St. Peter. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case: I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."
Bill replied, "What's the difference between the two?"
St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
"I'll leave that up to you."
"Okay then," said Bill. "Let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful and clean. Bill saw a sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I really want to see heaven!"
"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was very nice, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.
"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill shackled to a wall in a dark cave, screaming amongst hot flames, being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.
With his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, Bill responded, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches and the scantily clad women playing in the water?"
"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.
Okay, here's a good one.
A guy walked into a bar and said - Beers for everyone, even you, Bartender!"
But when it was time to pay, the guy didn't have the money, so the bartender
beat him up.
The next day the guy did the same thing, ordered a beer for everyone, even the
and again the bartender beast him up since the guy couldn't pay.
Then the next day, the guy said "Beers for everyone! But not you, bartender!"
The bartender said "Why?"
The guy replyed "You're violent when you're drunk!"
And my thought for the day...
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, through no
fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against
creed, color, religion or politics....
Then, my friend, you are almost as content as your dog.
A husband expects his wife to be perfect...and to understand why he's not.
A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try
to decide which one.
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
Marriage still confers one very special privilege, only a married person can get
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of person your spouse would
have really preferred.
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...
Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
Marriage is a ceremony that turns your dreamboat into a barge.
A wedding is a funeral where a man smells his own flowers.
A wedding ring is like a tourniquet; it cuts off your circulation.
All marriages are happy; it's the living together afterward that causes all the
Every man has it in his power to make one woman happy...by remaining a bachelor.
The Bill Gates thing is so good. Wish that were true, yeah!
Another Bill Gates in Heaven one (think you might have heard this one before)
There's a line of about five people outside the gates of Heaven, all waiting to enter and see God. St. Peter lets in the first one. The man comes before God, who asks him about his life, and if there's anything he would like to say. Nothing to say, just grateful, so the man is allowed into Heaven. This happens to the following three people as well. The last one is Bill Gates. He's let in by St. Peter, comes before God, who asks him about his life. When asked if there's anything he would like to add, Bill Gates says: "Well yes. You're sitting on my chair."
1. If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
2. You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
3. I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
4. I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
5. In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
6. I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
7. As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
8. The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
9. Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
10. Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Not with my daughter you don't.
Okay, here's my little entries for the day...
A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum
and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person,
he can't help but wonder why they are chanting "Thirteen!" over and over.
Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating
one of the inmates?
Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof
His curiosity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so that
he may see what is going on. Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead.
The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside.
He moves into position and peeks into the hole. As he looks in, someone inside
pokes him in the eye!
Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting - "Fourteen! Fourteen!
And this little one...
God and Moses were out golfing...
...They were both doing well. Then they came up to the 5th hole.
It was a dogleg to the left, with a lake to the right. Moses got up and hit a
long shot with a little hook.
Right in the middle of the fairway. Then God got up and pulled out his driver.
Then Moses said,"God, everytime you use you driver you always slice it."
So God said, "If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can do it." So he approched the
ball, got ready,
then hit a long one. It drifted to the right, SPLISH! Right in the middle of the
So Moses said, "See God, I told you that would happen. I'll get it this time but
you'll have to get it next time."
So Moses went out to the lake, held up his club, and parted the lake. Then he
went down, picked up the ball,
and came back. After that, everything was going fine.
Until the 18th hole, straight away, with a long lake on the right. Moses hit a
nice straight shot down the fairway.
Then God took out his driver.
Moses said, "God, last time you used your driver you sliced it. You always slice
And God repeated, "If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can do it."
So he got up, and hit the ball. Long hard shot, sliced, PLUNK!
Moses said, "I got the last one." So God walked on the water, bent over, picked
up the ball.
About this time there was a foursome coming up behind them. One if the guys saw
was doing and asked Moses, "Who does that guy think he is, Jesus?"
Moses replied, "No. He thinks he's Arnold Palmer!"
Murphy's law in every day life:
- Of all the books you ever lent to someone, the only ones you'll never get back are the ones you loved the most
- How long a minute lasts depends on which side of the toilet door you are
- The computer always runs down just when you were planning to save your work
- If the text you wanted to print consists of 6 pages, you'll see there are only 5 sheets left in the printer
- When you accidentally press the buttons that will end your programme, you'll see that you will also press "no" when asked "do you want to save your documents?"
- The bus that pulled away just when you arrived, was your bus.
- Whatever way you take as a cyclist, you'll always have the wind against you.
- The worse the weather, the longer you have to wait for the bus.
- If you tell your chef your late for work because you had a flat tire, you'll see that the next day you go to work, you have a flat tire.
- The winning goal is always made when you weren't looking.
- The one that snores the loudest will always fall asleep the first.
- Every time you've just cut your nails, you'll need your longer nails an hour later.
- The traffic jam on the section next to you is always advancing faster than the one you're on, until you switch sections.
And then there's this:
What to do when you're bored while shopping:
- Have a grab in the box of condoms and drop them in the carts of other people when they're not watching. To increase the fun level, pay special attention at dropping extra strong anal condoms into carts of male clients, and tasty condoms in the ones of females. Watch them blush when they arrive at the check-out!
- Create a track of orange juice to the toilets
- If anyone asks if they can help you, lie yourself down flat on the floor and start shouting: "Why can't you all leave me alone!?!"
- Go to the knife department, take the biggest knife you can find and ask anyone if they know where to find anti-depressing pills
- Use the reflecting lens of the safety camera to pulk in your nose
- Hide between the clothes racks, and if someone starts to move the clothes to see if they can find something, say in a high, sweet voice: "take me, take me!"
- Stroll between the racks in a suspicious manner while sofling singing the tune of Mission Impossible. Then go to see the head of deparment and say: "We have a code 3 in the dairy department." See what happens.
- When they say something over the intercom in the supermarket, fall flat on the floor again and start screaming: "I'm hearing voices again! I'm hearing voices again!"
- Go and sit in a fitting room, then shout loud that you're out of toilet paper.
It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "That's right!" the boy said, "But, how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said. The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher. The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held he package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "
I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!" SURPRISE!
and this one...
A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need
"If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live in this house?"
"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it.
I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house," the wife asks,
"would she sleep in our bed?"
"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last a long
time, so I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed,
would she use my golf clubs?"
"Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's left-handed."
The mother went to the minister and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the minister. The minister sat the boy down on the other side of his huge, impressive desk. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other.
Finally, the minister pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.
Again, louder, the minister pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
Again the boy looked all around but said nothing.
A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the minister leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked "Where is God?"
The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We are in B-I-I-I-I-G trouble now!"
The older boy asked, "What do you mean, B-I-I-I-I-G trouble?"
His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."
Here's a quicky to beat the british back to work blues off.
There were three men sitting on a bench. Man1 asked the other two:
"What do you want your family and friends to say at your funeral?".
Man2 says, "I guess I'd want them to say I was a nice guy and I took care of my
Man3 says, "I'd want them to say things like that too".
Man1 says: "That's all nice, but me... I want them to say -
LOOK! HE'S MOVING!".
Does anyone know any jokes where the source of political correctness is made the subject of derision?
However, here's one that you'll probably slap my wristies for.
Miss Bee was in her 80s, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in spring, and she welcomed
into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl
on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.
Imagine his shock
and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bee had flipped...or something!
But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange
but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.
Miss Bee," he said, pointing to the bowl, "I wonder if you would tell me about
"Oh yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall,
and I found this little package.
It said to put it on the organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease."
And you know, she continued... "I think it's working...
I haven't had a cold all winter!"
One year there were these two guys majoring in Chemistry and who did very well on all of the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to Montreal and party with some friends.
So they did. And they had a GREAT time! However, with their hangovers, they overslept and didn't make it back to campus until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find the professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They told him that they went up to Montreal for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tyre on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and, therefore, were late getting back to campus. The professor thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved.
So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the scheduled time. The professor placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. Each student looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and the solution was worth 5 points. "Cool", they thought, "this is going to be easy." They finished that problem and went on to the next. As they turned the page, they were unprepared, however, for what they saw. It said:
(95 points) Which tyre?
Ok, here's just one I had through mail. Quick one before I start studying again (yep, exams folks!)
I was driving to Brussels one day when I suddenly had to pee. So I stopped at the first petrol station I saw and entered the loo's. The first one was occupied, so I took the second one. Then suddenly I heard this voice coming from the toilet next to me, and there was this girl asking: "Hey, how are you?" It sounded pretty weird to ask this on the loo, but still I answered after a little while: "Yeah, you know... ok." Then she went on and asked: "What are you doing?" That sounded even stranger, because well, what do you do on a loo... So I said: "I'm peeing, you know." Then the voice suddenly says: "Hang on a minute, darling, I'll call you back later, ok? There's this weirdo on the toilet next to me who keeps answering my questions."
REVENGE of the Blondes!
-Why do brunettes like their dark hair color?
It doesn't show the dirt.
-Who makes all the bras for brunettes?
-Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes?
The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.
-Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
It matches their mustache.
-Why is the color brunette considered evil?
When's the last time ya saw a blonde witch?
-Why did God create brunettes?
So ugly men wouldn't feel left out.
-What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
-Where do brunettes get the hair for a transplant?
From their underarms.
-How do you describe a brunette whose phone rings on Saturday night?
-What do you call a good-looking man with a brunette?