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ROFLMAO!! Very Big Grin Smilie
Nice one, 42.
I'm a little concerned though, why I find everything involving cruelty to cats amusing.
I hope this one hasn't been told yet...and it's kinda old so you may have heard it anyway.

One evening a father is walking by his sons bedroom when he overhears him saying his bedtime prayers. "God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, bye bye grandpa!" The father thinks this is strange but is so proud of his son for saying his prayers he pays no mind. But the next day the boys grandfather drops dead and the father thinks 'could my son have really known?'

Sometime passes and once again the father overhears his sons bedtime prayers one night: "God bless mommy, God bless daddy, bye bye grandma!" The father is doubtful but, sure enough, the next day the boys grandmother drops dead. 'Oh my' the father thinks. 'My son must truly speak to God!'

Several months pass and the father once again overhears His sons prayers: "God bless mommy, bye bye daddy!"

The father is horrified. "Oh no" he says looking up, "what have I done to deserve such a short life Lord? Please spare me!"

The next day the father gets up extra early to avoid traffic on his way to work and spends the rest of the day taking extreme caution in everything he does. When he finally gets home that evening he is on the verge of a nervous breakdown. "Honey," he says to his wife, "this has been the worst day of my entire life!"
"How do you think I feel?" she replies. "I opened the front door this morning to find the mailman lying dead on the step!"
Just remembered a few blond jokes. Please forgive me in advance.

Three blonds walk into a building. You'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

What do you call a dead blond in a closet?
The 1985 Hide 'n' Seek champion.

Three blonds decided to drive to Disneyland. On the highway they saw a sign that said
"Disneyland left"
so they went home.

What's the difference between the Panama Canal and a blond?
The Panama Canal is a 'busy ditch'.

Why aren't there any dumb brunettes?
Peroxide.

Again, my apologies to any blonds. I honestly don't subscribe to the 'all blonds are dumb' theory.
Lol! Those are great, prog! Ha Ha Ha Smilie

Why do Scottish all have motorboats?
To steal the bread from the ducks on the lake.

[Edited on 3/7/2002 by TomBombadillo]
Quote:
Again, my apologies to any blonds. I honestly don't subscribe to the 'all blonds are dumb' theory.


OK Prog, you're forgiven. Ha Ha Ha Smilie
here's another blonde joke, apologies to any blondes.....

A blonde was driving down the motorway when her car phone rang.

It was her husband, urgently warning her:

"Honey, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M25. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car!" said the blonde,
"There's f****ng hundreds of them!"
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women
(and what they actually mean...)

10. I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")

9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(You are one jurassic geezer.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)

7. My life is too complicated right now.
(I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from
all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend.
(who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).

5. I don't date men where I work.
(Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much
less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me.
(It's not me, it's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate.
(I've sworn off only the men like you.)

...and the number 1 rejection line given by women
(and what it actually means)

1. Let's be friends.
(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all
the other men I meet
and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing)


In response to the first joke, here is the male perspective on the same issue
...

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men
(and what they actually mean...)

10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)
6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)
5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)
2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)

...and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually means)
1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)
Big Smile Smilie Gotta admit, that one tickled me Plastic. Not so much because it's funny, but because it's so true.
Quote:
Gotta admit, that one tickled me Plastic. Not so much because it's funny, but because it's so true.
From our male perspective anyway. Very Big Grin Smilie
Sad Smilie Thats not good.......


Anyway......

Instructions as seen on a:

Hairdryer - "Do not use while sleeping"

Bag of Fritos - "You could be a winner! No Purchase Necessary. Details inside"

Bar of Dial bath soap - "Use like regular soap"

Frozen dinner package - "Serving suggestion - Defrost"

Hotel provided shower cap box - "Fits one head"

Tesco's Tirimisu dessert - "Do not turn upside down" This is printed on the bottom of the box

Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - "Product will be hot after heating"

Packaging from a Rowena Iron - "Do not iron clothes on body"

On Boot's Children's cough medicine - "Do not drive car or operate machinery"

On a bottle of Nytol (a sleeping aid) - "Warning - may cause drowsiness"

On a Korean kitchen knife - "Warning - Keep out of children"

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas Lights - "For indoor or outdoors use only"

On a Japanese food processor - "Not to be used for the other use"

On Sainsbury's Peanuts - "Warning - contains nuts"

On an American Airlines package of nuts - "Instructions - open package, eat nuts"

On a Swedish chainsaw - "Do not attempt to stop chain saw with your hands"

Package of Sunmaid Raisins - "Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?"

Curling Iron Instructions - "Do not put into eyes"
Big Laugh Smilie
God, I nearly died again!
Ha Ha Ha Smilie Good ones 42.
Quote:
Its h*ll trying to write instructions for the least common denominator, and then having to translate them just using a Language A to Language B Dictionary, when all you know about language B is what you have found in that dictionary. And any feedback you receive usually comes in the form of laughter.
I just made that up to fit the occasion. Ha Ha Ha Smilie
*wipes tears from eyes* Good ones 42! Gosh I needed that! Ha Ha Ha Smilie Ha Ha Ha Smilie
Two ghosts are living up in the attick of an old house, and are having their daily conversation, when suddenly one of them looks around in panic and says to the other one: "I think I heard people downstairs." Says the other: "Ha! You believe in people?"

Two ghosts meet in a hallway. They're old friends, so they have a lot to catch up with. After a while one says to the other: "Hey, you lost your handkerchief!" Replies the other: "That's not my handkerchief, that's my son."
Very Big Grin Smilie like the second one!

In 1994, a New Mexico jury awarded $ 2.9 million in damages to 81-year-old Stella Liebeck, who suffered third-degree burns to her legs after spilling a cup of McDonald's coffee on herself.
This case inspired the annual Stella Awards for the most frivolous lawsuit in the U.S. This year's candidates are listed below.

* January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running around inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were surprised at the verdict, considering the little boy was Ms. Robertson's own son.

* June 1998:19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

* October 1998: Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by going through the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, because the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. Since the family was on vacation, Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He
stayed alive by drinking a case of Pepsi he found, along with a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming undue mental anguish, and a jury awarded him half a million dollars.

* October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in the owner's fenced-in yard, and Mr. Williams was in there with it, shooting at it with a pellet gun.

* May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on soft drink and broke her coccyx ("tail bone"). The drink was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

* December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth while she was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
And those are examples of why this is a great country? Very Sad Smilie

We never needed lawyers until after we got the first one! Big Laugh Smilie
those are funny...but in a cynical sort of makes-me-a-little-bit-nauseas kind of way...*sigh*...
I think I may have posted this one before, but I've just been sent it again, and it's funny enough to go up again.


There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led
with gentleness,
faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not.

As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was Saint Peter who greeted him
in a firm embrace.

"Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow
man during your life
has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without
delay and are granted
free access to all parts of heaven."

"You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion meet
with any heavenly leader,
including the Father without prior appointment."

"Is there anything which your holiness desires?"

"Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries
which have puzzled and
confounded theologians through the ages.

Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the Actual conversations
between God and the prophets of old?
I would love to see what was actually said, with-out the dimming of memories
over time."

Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained
how to retrieve the various documents.
The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the History of man's
relationship with God.

Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library.
Immediately several of the Saints and Angels
came running. There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on a
parchment, repeating over and over -
There's an 'R', there's an 'R' -- it's celibRate!"
Ha Ha Ha Smilie --> Lighening Smilie --> Dead Smilie
G. W. Bush was very depressed that people were saying he is stupid. So he calls his good friend Queen Elizabeth, who says, "Now George, what you need to do is to surround yourself with smart people. Let me show you."
She conference calls Tony Blair in and asks, "Tony, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"

Tony Blair replies, "It's me!" and hangs up.

G.W. Bush then calls Dick Cheney and says, "Dick, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"

And Cheney says, "Wow, that's a tough one. Let me get back to you."

So Cheney calls Colin Powell and says, "Colin, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"

And Colin Powell says, "It's me!"

So Cheney calls Bush and says, "It's Colin Powell."

And Bush says, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
Big Laugh Smilie ROFLMAO Big Laugh Smilie
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
Read it once, then read it again. Trust me, it's funnier the second time. That is, if you have that sort of sense of humor.

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
No new jokes fpor two days? I better think of some then:>
> HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY

1)At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a
hair dryer at passing cars see if they slow down.

2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries
with that.

4) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

5) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten
over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6) In the memo field of all your cheque butts, write " FOR INTIMATE
FAVOURS".

7) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy"

8) Don't use any punctuation

9) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10) Ask people what gender they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

11) Specify that your drive-through order is "take away."

12) Sing along at the opera.

13) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14) Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle
sounds all day.

15) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party
because you're not in the mood.

16) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.

17) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd
time this week!!!"

18) When leaving the zoo, start running toward the parking lot, yelling
"Run for your lives, they're loose!"

19) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to
have to let one of you go".

Hope you haven't already heard them. Ha Ha Ha Smilie

AND

A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous blond
eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but
lacked the nerve to go talk to her.

Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of her socket
towards the man. With his quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air.

"Oh my god, I am sooooo sorry," the woman said as she popped her eye
back in the socket. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman
invited him back to her place for a drink.

The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and brought
him breakfast in bed.

The guy was amazed. "You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you
this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No, she replied....You just happened to catch my eye!"


[Edited on 15/7/2002 by Allyssa]
Quote:
18) When leaving the zoo, start running toward the parking lot, yelling
"Run for your lives, they're loose!"


LMAO!! Ha Ha Ha Smilie

Reminds me of another one but it'd just get deleted. Winking Smilie
Quote:
18) When leaving the zoo, start running toward the parking lot, yelling
"Run for your lives, they're loose!"
I guess that wouldn't be comparable to yelling, "Fire!" in a crowded theatre. But it might make for some lively fender benders. Very Evil Smilie Big Smile Smilie
Very Big Grin Smilie

Here are some humorous statements by several airline flights crews. Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight safety lecture a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
WHOOO! I'm back! Very Evil Smilie Animated Wink Smilie

I didn't have a lot to catch up with, but it sure was fun! Very Big Grin Smilie

Ok, here are some Irish jokes for ya, no offence, I love Ireland with everything in it, but they're just sooo funny! Smoke Smilie

How do you sink an Irish submarine?
Knock on the hatch.

Found on the bottom of an Irish whiskey bottle: opens other end.

Sign found in an Irish pub: "Save your remarks on the beer, wait till you're old and weak yourself."

The Irish have invented a new type of parachute. It opens on impact.

One Irishman says to the other: "Mike, do you understand French?"
"Yis, but only if it's spoken in Oirish."

Sign found on a dancing in Dublin: "Saturday Night Disco. Very exclusive. All welcome."

Why do Irish dogs have flat noses?
Because they chase parked cars!

Sign found on the door of a closed museum: "Closed for official opening."

Some Irish sayings:
- A verbal contract is not worth the paper it is written on.
- I would give my right arm to be ambidexterous

Try to confuse an Irishman: put three shovels in a corner and tell him to take his pick.

Grandfather takes his grandson for a walk in the woods. The boy rips off a little branch from a tree. Says the grandfather: "Oi! Easy! Wood doesn't grow on trees you know!"

Request read when leaving the Cork Harbour: "Would the last person to leave Ireland please switch off the lights?"
Finally, I heard some new jokes that are actually funny...
There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really ,really,
really drunk.
When the bar closed he got up to go home.

As he stumbled out the door, he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he
stumbled over to
the nun and punched her in the face. The nun was really surprised but before she
could do or
say anything he punched her again.

This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the side,
then he picked her up
and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't
move very much.

So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said . . .
"Not very freakin' strong tonight, are you Batman!"

(apologies to any Drunks or Nuns out there, no offence intended Wink Smilie )

And another Blonde Joke...


A Blonde was down on her luck.
In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for
ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him,
"I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put
$10,000 in a paper bag
and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the
playground.
Signed, A Blonde".

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it
to his parents.
The next morning the Blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting
beneath the pecan tree.
The Blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000with a note that said,
"How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?!"


Here's some for the peoples of the southern hemisphere who are freezing their buns off:

YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN A HEATWAVE WHEN:

~ The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

~ The trees are whistling for the dogs.

~ The best parking place is
determined by shade instead of distance.

~ Hot water now comes out of both taps.

~ You can make sun tea instantly.

~ You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

~ The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.

~ You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.

~ You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

~ You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

~ You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

~ Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

~ You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

~ The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

~ Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

~ The cows are giving evaporated milk.

Big Laugh Smilie
ROFLMAO!! They're all true! I can attest to that. It hit 100 today here (40 I believe in the rest of the world) and it's supposed to be hotter tomorrow. Jumping Flame Smilie It was probably 120 at work.When you walk out of 120 degree air into 100 you get goosebumps! That is, until you get in the car...
LOL Ha Ha Ha Smilie Yeah Grondy, though some of those things are no laughing matter in summer here.

I speak as one who has worn woollen gloves in summer to avoid burning my hands on any part of the car. There is a reason Australians prefer cars with cloth seats. Leather/vinyl seat in summer - ouch! I have tinted windows to avoid sunburn. I once got my foot stuck in asphalt - yuk. Children have been admitted to hospital with burns to their feet after walking over concrete. I have to wait for cold water to come out of the taps - and dont even think about using the hose. I have also noticed that cars cluster under trees, even if the trees are 500 m away from the shops. Most of our parking areas have lots of trees for this purpose. My car has air conditioning, so I go for a drive to cool off. Wink Smilie

Will try the potatoes thing though. Would be ideal for potato salad. Will feed the chickens ice too - that just might work! Big Smile Smilie Big Smile Smilie Ha Ha Ha Smilie
Yes those hot weather items aren't so funny when you are actually experiencing them; however, when you are up to your eyebrows in a snowdrift, their remembrance can sometimes be heartwarming. Cool Smilie
Quote:
MOSES AND THE COMPUTER

"Excuse me, Sir."

"Is that you again, Moses?"

I'm afraid it is, sir."

"What is it this time, Moses? More computer problems?"

"How did you guess?"

"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?"

"Oh, yeah. I forgot."

"Tell me what you want, Moses."

"But you already know. Remember?"

"Moses!"

"Sorry, sir."

"Well, go ahead, Moses. Spit it out."

"Well, I have a question, sir. You know those 'ten things' you sent me?"

"You mean the Commandments, Moses?"

"That's it. I was wondering if they were important."

"What do you mean 'were important', Moses? Of course, they're important. Otherwise I wouldn't have sent them to you."

"Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them, but of course you would see right through that."

"What do you mean 'you lost them'? Are you trying to tell me you didn't save them, Moses?"

"No, sir. I forgot."

"You should always save, Moses."

"Yeah, I know. You told me that before. I was going to, but I forgot. I did send them to some people before I lost them though."

"And did you hear back from any of them?"

"You already know I did. What about the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not'? Can he change the words a little bit?"

"Yes, Moses. As long as he doesn't change the meaning."

"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh, and recommended calling them the 'Ten Suggestions,' or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?"

"Moses, I'll act like I didn't hear that."

"I think that means 'no.' Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?"

"I think the term is 'spamming,' Moses."

"Oh, yeah. I e-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff, and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."

"And what did he say?"

"You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't think he might have sent me one of those - er - plagues, and that's the reason I lost those ten things, do you?"

"They're called 'viruses,' Moses."

"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we just go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but at least I never lost them."

"We'll do it the new way, Moses."

"I was afraid you would say that, sir."

"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"

"You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the computer."

"It's a mouse, Moses. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?"

"No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all, who knows more about this stuff than you, and I really like your hours. By the way, sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"

"No, Moses."

"One other thing. Why didn't you name them 'frogs' instead of 'mice,' because didn't you tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"

"I didn't name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you want to."

"Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, sir? Bet some woman told him to call it a mouse. After all, wasn't it a woman who named one of the computers Apple?"

"Say good night, Moses."

"Wait a minute, sir. I am stretching out the mouse, and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the 'ten things' have come back."

"Which ones are they, Moses?"

"Let's see....
'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image' and 'Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbor's wife.'"

"Turn the computer off, Moses.
I'm sending you another set of stone tablets.
I don't know who wrote this but I got a kick out of it. Big Laugh Smilie
ROFL! Very Big Grin Smilie

Got this through email, about men (sorry to every man here already, but these are just funny):

- What do men and horoscopes have in common?
They tell you what you have to do, but they're usually wrong.

- What do men and make-up have in common?
They disappear with the first signs of emotion.

- What is the thinnest book in the world.
What Men Know About Women

- What's the difference between men and fruit?
Fruit ripens.

-What's the difference between a man and ET?
ET phoned home.

- What do you call a sensitive, good-looking and intelligent man?
A rumour.

- Why are men so happy?
Cos knowing nothing is a blessing.

- Why do men wear a tie?
Cos it looks a lot less idiot than a leading string.

- Why do men have a clean consciounce?
Cos it has never been used.

- Why does psycho-analysis works faster on men than on women?
Cos they don't have to go back to their children's years, they are still there!

- How do men sort out the laundry?
Dirty and dirty but wearable.

- What do you have to give a man who has everything?
A women to tell him how to use it.

- When does a man have plans for the future?
When he buys two crats of beer in stead of one.

- What's the difference between a new man and a new dog?
After a whole year, the dog is still excited when he sees you.

- Why did Moses spend 40 years in the desert?
Cos he was too proud to ask for the way.

- What do men and computers have in common?
Nobody knows why they act so weirdly and they never have enough memory.

Big Laugh Smilie
New Surgeon General Warnings

The Surgeon General has compiled for non-confidential distribution a list of
activities which,
while not definitely linked to death or established as causative factors in any
specific form
of physical or physiological deterioration, have been determined through
exhaustive reiteration
to be detrimental to the human condition and specifically to the welfare of
their perpetrator.

The Surgeon General warns:

Never raise your hand during a hijacking to indicate that you get a kosher meal.
Never ask a bald man if you can borrow his toupee to clean your windshield.
Never moon a werewolf.
Never squeeze a parakeet to death while screaming, "I want the name of your
accomplice!"
Never threaten to punish your Dalmation with spot remover.
Never use a bulldog as a surrogate mother.
Never hire an attorney who can discuss specific episodes of The Flintstones.
Never trust an Oriental dentist who sells miniature ivory animals.
Never ask a dog with rabies if he would like you to floss his teeth.
Never believe your dog when he tells you that while you were out,
your parents came over and drank water out of your toilet.
Never take a cockroach hostage and expect anyone to negotiate with you.
Never walk your dog around someone else's living room with a pooper scooper in
your hand.
Never say to a lobster before you boil him, "Let me know if your bath is too
hot."
Never tell an IRS auditor that if he doesn't leave you alone, you plan to cheat
again next year.
Never tell Yasser Arafat that you think Newark should be the Palestinian
homeland.


and a quick one...


A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant,
and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. . . "This is her husband!"
Quote:
Never tell an IRS auditor that if he doesn't leave you alone, you plan to cheat
again next year.

Quote:
Never tell Yasser Arafat that you think Newark should be the Palestinian
homeland.


OMG!! ROFLMMFAOWTCOOMEAPMITP!!!!! Ha Ha Ha Smilie Ha Ha Ha Smilie Ha Ha Ha Smilie Ha Ha Ha Smilie
Quote:
ROFLMMFAOWTCOOMEAPMITP!!!!!


Ok, I suppose you're joking here, right? If not, what the h*ll does this mean??

Doh! Forgot all the good jokes I knew... Very Sad Smilie I'll have to come back later then..
I'll wait for them Tommy......
Smile Smilie


Sports quotes.

"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle"
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker

"You guys line up alphabetically by height"
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

"I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."
Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements

"I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500 SAT to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to and from class"
George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach

"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King

"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece

"The ballparks have gotten too crowded. That's why nobody goes to see the game anymore."
Yogi Berra

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann
Okay, you asked for it.

ROFLMMFAOWTCOOMEAPMITP = Rollin On Floor Laughing My M***** F****** A** Off With Tears Coming Out Of My Eyes And P****** My Pants In The Process.

I must confess, I made that one up. Big Laugh Smilie
Nope, that "M' must stand for "Myself" because you forgot to put on your "Pants" cause there is no intermediate "P". Ha Ha Ha Smilie
Man, you don't miss anything do you Grondy? A last minute editing decision. I put Pants in to clarify. Big Laugh Smilie
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.

Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: I have my checkbook right here.

Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza Man: I don't think so.

** Click **
For Plastic:

http://www.amazinghumor.com/pics.shtml?0044.jpg
LOL! So that what a squirrel looks like! Big Smile Smilie
Big Laugh Smilie Yeah, that could be our Plastic Squirrel, except he's lost his shades and chapeau; still, it scores two out of three in the showing of The Skwrl's vices Very Big Grin Smilie

How does that old country song go?

Quote:
Cigarettes 'n whiskey 'n wild, wild women
They'll drive you crazy; they'll drive you insane.
I found this on a site and it's really long so I'll confess to 'copy and pasting'. I did, however edit (extensively) for content to (hopefully) avoid getting 'grondied'. (did I use that right?)


A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes.
On the third tee, the husband cautioned, "Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows, it'll cost us a fortune to repair."
Of course, she immediately shanked her drive right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to watch out! Now we'll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to cost us. "
They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said, "Come on in". When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, Are you the people that broke the window?
"Uh yeah, we're very sorry about that", the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie, "You've got it. I have already put a million dollars in your bank account. It's the least I can do."
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done. The deeds are now in your name" the genie said.
"And now," the couple both asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to make love to your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering all that, I guess I wouldn't mind."
The genie and the woman went upstairs where he ravished her for the rest of the afternoon. Afterwards, the genie rolled over and looked at the wife and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both thirty-five," she responded.
"No sh*t! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

Ha Ha Ha Smilie
And now I have a cover for my next album, thanks Prog!

Okay, here's a groaner and a half...

A California couple discovered the wife was pregnant, but the family simply
couldn't afford
any more children. They looked around and found an excellent Hispanic family to
adopt the child.
Then they found out she was going to have twins. Fortunately, a family of Arab
Americans agreed
to adopt the other child. Twin healthy boys were born and passed along to the
families,
who named them Juan and Amal.

The biological parents kept in close touch with the adoptive parents in a very
amicable relationships.
One day, Juan's family sent a picture of the youth in his baseball uniform. The
biological mother was
so proud of her son. She said to her husband, "He is so handsome! I wish we had
a picture like this
of our other son, too."

He replied, "But dear, they are twins.
When you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal!"


And then...(btw, this reminds me of a lot of women I know.)

The new mother got out of bed for the first time since her childbirth dressed in
her robe
and walked down the hospital hallway to the nurses desk where she asked for a
phone book.

"What are you doing out here! You should be in your room resting," the nurse
exclaimed.
"I want to search through the phone book for a name for my baby," the new mother
replied.

"You don't have to do that here. The hospital furnished a booklet to all new
mothers to assist
them in picking a first name for their baby."

"You don't understand," the woman said and frowned.
"My baby already has a "FIRST" name!"


And finally (yeah I know I've got a million of 'em today)

Some facts of life . . .

The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in
it.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason
why we observe daylight-saving time.

People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor
are telling you that they have no sense of humor.

The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think
she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that
moment.

They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in
the Middle East.
Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is
nothing left alive
on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the
Middle East will
be bitter enemies.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion,
economic status,
or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are
above-average drivers.

There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates
concepts for
television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this
computer; after
sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out, "THREE QUIRKY
BUT ATTRACTIVE
YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," and the executives turn this concept into
a show.
The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, "SIX QUIRKY BUT
ATTRACTIVE YOUNG
PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." Then the next time, it spits out, "FOUR QUIRKY
BUT
ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." And so on. We need to locate
this computer and destroy it with hammers.

At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and
announce that:
* The universe is even bigger than they thought!
* There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!
* Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.

The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who
are not in them.

If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its
glories, and He decides
to deliver a postBody to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on
cable
TV with a bad hairstyle.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

Your friends love you anyway.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

I think if more people believed that last one, the world would be a much better place. Smile Smilie

Quote:
They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in
the Middle East.
Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is
nothing left alive
on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the
Middle East will
be bitter enemies.


ROFLMMFAOWTCOOMEAPMITP!!!!!

Quote:
...We need to locate
this computer and destroy it with hammers.


I second that!

Quote:
If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its
glories, and He decides
to deliver a postBody to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on
cable
TV with a bad hairstyle


AMEN!!!!!

Quote:
I think if more people believed that last one, the world would be a much better place.


Agreed!
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