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Ha Ha Ha Smilie Ditto Prog.
Yea verily! Big Laugh Smilie

Prog: I'll leave it to Allyssa to Grondy your excellent furry-tail were she to deem it too offensive. Pixie Smilie


[Edited on 15/8/2002 by Grondmaster]
Very Big Grin Smilie

A German General, a French General and a British General are sitting on a train. Some flies are buzzing annoyingly around their heads. Suddenly the German General takes his sword and chops one of the flies in two. The other two are rather amazed at this, but feel they have to show something too now. So the French General takes his sword and chops another fly in four. Looking around, he's satisfied with the faces of the others. The British General had done nothing so far, but now he spots a fly too, so he takes his sword and tries to hit the fly. But the fly flies on. The other two start laughing: "Ha! You can't even hit a fly with your sword, what kinda General are you? Look, there it is, it's still flying innit?" "It can fly, all right," says the Brit, "but it can't make no more babies!"

Littly Tommy and his class have to read a history book about Napoleon. Next week the teacher wants to know if they've all read the book, so he interrogates them. He asks: "Where did Napoleon die?" So Tommy raises his hand saying "Sir! Sir! I know it, I know it! Can I answer? Please?" "Yes, of course you can Tommy, go ahead." Tommy stands up and declares proudly: "Napoleon died on page 88, Sir."
Very Big Grin Smilie

Evaluating employees
RE: Quotes Taken from actual performance evaluations:

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

"I would not allow this employee to breed."

"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

"This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
Big Laugh Smilie Thank heavens, I never had an employee that deserved one of those hilarious evaluations. Ha Ha Ha Smilie
ROFLMAOetc

Just remembered another one:

A guy goes to see the doctor, cos he has this strange pains which start in his neck area and then go all the way down to his toes. The doctor examines him and says: "Well this thing is pretty serious, I'd go and see an expert." He sends the man down to the hospital, where he goes to see the specialist, who examines him closely, takes X-rays and more of that stuff. He comes to this conclusion: "Well, Sir, this is a very serious case I'm afraid. The only thing I think that can be done about this is to have yourself castrated." The man is really shocked at this. I mean, to have yourself castrated is not a thing you do in one, two, three, and he's a bit afraid for it as well. "But, Doctor, isn't that really painful?" "It is when you have it done here, but if you go to China, they can do it there via acupuncture, and then it doesn't hurt at all." The man thanks the doctor, and goes home. He thinks about this castration thing and doesn't like it at all, but those strange pains keep annoying him, so after a few weeks he decides to do it. He flies to China, goes to the acupuncturist (or whatever you wanna call him) and has himself castrated. Two hours later, he leaves the shop reborn and decides that while he is in China, he can just as well go to a tailor to have a new outfit made for him. So he goes to the tailor, who measures his arms, legs, inside legs, neck and so on. Then the tailor asks: "Do you wear your trousers right or left?" "Why, I don't know," says the guy, "what difference does that make?" "Well," says the tailor, "let's say I'd make you a right-worn trouser, while you're actually left-wearing, then it can be so that sometimes you feel these strange pains coming from your neck and running all the way down to your toes." And then the man fainted.
Oh! Another just popped into my mind:

Little Tommy had to write an essay for school, entitled: "And then I was scared..." This sentence should also be the last one of the essay. Tommy handed in his essay with the rest of the class, and this is what his teacher read:

"One night, when it was very dark and stormy outside, I couldn't sleep, so I crept out into the hallway to the room of my parents. I opened the door, but there was no one there. Then I heard my parents coming up the stairs. I wasn't allowed to be in their room, so I hid myself in the wardrobe. I heard my mother switching on the lights in the bathroom, but my father was still in the bedroom. Then I heard him say to my mother: 'If you don't come soon now, Maria, I think I'll blow a hole in the wardrobe.' And then I was scared..."
Okay, I think you guys will find this funny, but I'm going to post the line cause it's a list of like 200 something. It's entitled 'The Top 100 things I'd do if I ever became an Evil Overlord.' Yes it says 100, but it wound being over that. It's really funny. Big Laugh Smilie
Here's the link, www.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html. Hope you guys like it.
1. Two vultures board an airplane; each is carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two boll weevils grew up in the deep South. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.


Big Laugh Smilie

There were 10 in this list, but that may at once is over-powering. I'll add the rest in two later posts.
Resume bloopers
These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine:

1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.

3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

6. Its best for employers that I not work with people.

7. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.

8. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

9. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

10. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

11. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.

13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.

16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

18. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.

19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

21. Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.

22. Marital status: often. Children: various.

23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.

24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.

26. References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me
The next three groaners:

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
/me groans then chuckles Very Big Grin Smilie
The final four:

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're identical twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him.... what? A supercallused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who posted ten different puns for his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

* Grondy groans and writhes on the floor while trying to keep a straight face. *
LMAO! Generally puns are only good for groans but #8 and #9 were corkers! Nice Grondy, very nice. Ha Ha Ha Smilie

[Edited on 9/8/2002 by ProgHead777]
6 and 8 had me rolling...hehe...thank you Grondy!
You're Welcome! Smile Smilie Most of them tickled my punny bone.
LOL me likes the puns, very good. Okay, cop this lot...

Chemical Properties of Woman

Element: Woman
Symbol: Wo
Atomic Weight: Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175.
Discoverer: Adam
Occurrence: Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower
concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal fluctuations.

Physical Properties:
a) Surface usually covered with painted film.
b) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
c) Melts if given special treatment.
d) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!
e) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
f) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

Chemical Properties:
a) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones.
b) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
c) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.
d) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in
alcohol to a certain point.
e) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.
f) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.

Uses:
a) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
b) Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
c) Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.
d) Can cool things down when it's too hot.

Tests:
a) Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
b) Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Caution:
a) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.
b) Illegal to possess more than one.


AND THEN......


And God Created The Woman

He was so pleased with his creation that he calls in three of his top advisors:
His chief Carpenter, His Chief Tailor, and His Chief Architect.

He presents his creation to his Chiefs and asks them for suggestions and
comments.

The Carpenter says:
"Too many forms, you need to straighten things out, flatten it out."
God replies, "No I like it that way, but thanks"

Then the Tailor says:
"Too many strings (hair) sticking out, you need to trim them."
God replies, "No I like it that way, but thanks"

Then the Architect says:
"Wonderful creation, absolutely superb, but next time,
please do not place the toilets next to the reception room"

ROFLMMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That first one is utterly priceless! The ladies might not like it too much though.
That was cute. My husband would agree with most of it too. Especially since I spent almost $600 on Friday.
118 pounds, Squirrel? Careful you don't cut yourself. Wink Smilie
Big Laugh Smilie Big Laugh Smilie Big Laugh Smilie Big Laugh Smilie
ROFLMAO!!!
Then here's a little more....

Some Facts About Women

Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend
more time
checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men;
women will
always catch men checking out other women.

It's okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay,
You don't see straight men dancing together.

Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the
contrary.
You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do
you?

Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying
butt leap towards
the bowl and then chewing men out because they "left the seat up" instead of
taking two seconds
and lowering it themselves.

Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the
draft to cover the
responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men
until it comes to:
sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.

All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it.
Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really
have 5 pounds to gain.

PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that.
PMS also stands for
Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.)

Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows
them to escape reality.
Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things *could* be.

Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are.
That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
Against women today, Plastic? Or everyday perhaps? Big Laugh Smilie Good ones, nevertheless...

Man is sitting at the bar in his local pub, when all of a sudden he sees the most beautiful woman he's ever seen walking into the pub. He thinks about how to seduce her, but in the end he decides to order the best bottle of champagne the pub is able to deliver. He adds a note to the bottle with the question if she wants to empty the bottle with him. He then calls the waiter and asks him to deliver the bottle and the note to the lady in the corner. The woman reads the note, smiles, keeps the bottle and writes a note back which the waiter delivers to the man. The note says: "Dear Sir, if I have to share this bottle with you, your garage must contain at least one Mercedes, your bank account must contain at least a million dollars, you must have 18 cms in your trousers, and a residence abroad would be welcome too." The man grins while reading the note and writes the following answer: "Dear Lady, I have a Ferrari, a Porche, a Jaguar and a Mercedes in my garage, I have about a million dollar each on my 8 bank accounts, I have residences in Rome, Madrid, New York and Moskou, but for nothing or no one in the world, not even for the most beautiful woman would I have 2 cms removed. Kindly return the bottle to me."
I'm only ever against one woman these days Tommy, and not in the way you meant either Wink Smilie
Okay I'm sure these might apply to some of you guys.

30 Signs Technology Has Taken Over Your Life

1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book.
The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services,
and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead
and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page
of any letter you write *is* letterhead.

2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device
on your body beep or buzz.

3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because
there
isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers with laser printers.

4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send
your
father a birthday card.
5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.

6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking
with
customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes
answering
the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his
head.

7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking
how strange
your mouth feels when you say it.

8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase
"digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not
surprised or
disappointed that you don't have to explain it.
9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social
security number.

10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we
all know the
majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to
other contraptions.
11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.
12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that
are far more clever than :-)
13. You back up your data every day.
14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you
return with a rest for your mouse.
15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster
than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.
17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your
mind.
18. You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town
hall"
makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't
because,
after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.

19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in
advance.
But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the
street names.
20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something,
but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing
buttons
on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.
22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a- quarter-and
three-and-a-half-inch sizes.
23. Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.
24. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they
are.
25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you
compare
mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine year-old.

26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say
"I don't know"
when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make
something up.
27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns
bread into charcoal.

29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions
about which is better --
the track ball or the track *pad*.

30. You understand all the jokes in this postBody. If so, my friend, technology
has taken over your life.
We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku.
And don't use a laptop.


Very Big Grin Smilie

Thank God 30 doesn't apply then eh? Big Laugh Smilie
It's doubtful that anyone will find this as amusing as me but, then again, people rarely find things as amusing as me. Anyway...


I found this in The Guiness Book Of Records under the heading "Shortest Correspondence":

Quote:
While Victor Marie Hugo was on vacation in
1862, he became anxious to know how his new novel, Les Miserables, was selling. The postBody he sent to his publisher, Hurst and Blackett, was "?"; he received the reply "!"
Quote:
`
That's a tilde, which I'm using for a wee small snicker in keeping with the style of your joke. Very Big Grin Smilie
Big Laugh Smilie

That is quite amusing actually, Prog! Very Big Grin Smilie
Okay, quick one for today. I have more, but will save them.

Letter to the Railroad

Gentlemen:
I have been riding trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your
line
seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the
time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that
enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.

Yours truly, A Commuter

Dear Sir:
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and
believe you are somewhat confused in your history.
The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.

Sincerely, The Railroad

Gentlemen:
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in
your history.
If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that
Balaam rode to
town on his a*s.

That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the
last two years.

Yours truly,
A Commuter
Very Big Grin Smilie

And again: Very Big Grin Smilie
Big Laugh Smilie Good one Plastic.
A Western Samoan, an Aussie & a New Zealander are out walking along the
beach together one day. They come across a lantern and after a gentle rub a
genie pops out of it.

"I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total", says the
genie.
The Western Samoan says, "I am a fisherman, my dad's a fisherman, his dad
was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of
fish for all eternity."

With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' the Western Samoan's oceans were
teeming with fish.

The Aussie was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Australia so that
we can run our own Country how we feel, and no boofhead Queen can tell us
what to do. I want it so nothing and no-one will get in for all eternity."

Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around
Australia.

The New Zealander asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this
wall."
The genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and
nothing can get in or out."
The New Zealander says, "Fill it up with water."

ROTFLMAO

Bad Tigger, bad.
Me thinks 42 will laugh at your joke Star; however, Allyssa may take umbrage. Then again she may enjoy having a mammoth ice skating rink in the winter and a humongous swimming pool in the summer. Smile Smilie
ROFL!
Okay, here goes...

A man who went to Church with his wife fell was always falling asleep during the
sermon.
The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday took a long hat pin
along to
poke him with every time he would doze off.

As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out "... and who
created all
there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th.." She poked her husband who then came
flying
out of the pew and screamed "Good God all mighty".

The minister said "That's right, that's right" and went on with his sermon.

The man sat back down, muttering under his breath and later began to doze off
again when
the minister got to "... and who died on the cross to save us from our sins..."
the wife hit him
again and he jumped up and shouted "Jesus Christ".

The Minister said "that's right, That's Right" and went on with his sermon.

The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to
"... and what
did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child" the wife started to
poke the husband
but he jumped up and said "If you stick that damn thing in me again I'll break
it off"!
SEEN ON T-SHIRTS
1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!
2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10) Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is research.
11) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
13) NyQuil - The stuffy, Sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-roomspinning-medicine.
14) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
15) God must love stupid people, he made so many.
16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
17) It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
18) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
19) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
20) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
21) MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
22) Beer ~ The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon!
23) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With Buttheads!
24) Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam (seen on Cape Cod)
25) Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
26) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up
28) Rehab Is for Quitters
29) My Dog Can Lick Anyone
30) I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That!
31) Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit.
32) Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been doing since 15
33) ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING
34) West Virginia: One Million People and 15 last names
35) FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
36) MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT
37) A hangover is the wrath of grapes
38) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
39) STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
40) DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music
41) They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken
42) He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead
43) Time's fun when you're having flies...Kermit the Frog
44) POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN ....Cops have nothing to go on.
45) FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.
46) HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH
47) A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a thousand times the memory.
48) The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.
49) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
50) HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime
commitment for a pig.
51) WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years.
52) The trouble with life is there's no background music.
53) IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?
54) That ' Y ' chromosome only means trouble and hard work!
55) The more I see of men , the more I'll stick to dogs.

According to archaeologists, for millions of
years Neanderthal man was not fully erect.

That's pretty easy to understand considering
how ugly Neanderthal woman was.


Mellie is sitting her giggling. ehehheheheehheheheheheeee
Ha Ha Ha Smilie Star, enjoyed those, especially:

Quote:
42) He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead


Which is actually very profound, if you think about it. Big Laugh Smilie
yippp assuredly dead is dead Sad Smilie

Words to live by
1. Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own pants.
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.
3. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
4. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.
6. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
7. I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.
8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
9. I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
10. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
11. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
12. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
13. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.
14. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now THAT'S a postBody!
15. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you> want to annoy for the rest of your life.
16. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
17. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
18. I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
19. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
20. Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom.
21. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
22. Welcome to Shit Creek -- Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!
23. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
24. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
25. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
26. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
27. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been.

Moderator Smilie Tigger Smilie
LOL! Good ones Tigger. Smile Smilie

Okay, another long listy thing, sorry...

Some Laws of Life

Katz's Law: Men and women will act rationally towards each other only
after all other possibilities have been exhausted.

Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in.

Jone's Motto: Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Krueger's Observation: A taxpayer is someone who does not have to take
a civil service exam in order to work for the government.

Harver's Law: A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.

Ralph's Observation: It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize
you are in a hurry.

Murphy's 3rd Military Law: Friendly fire ain't.

Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it
himself.

Perkin's Postulate: The bigger they are, the harder they hit.

Comin's Law: People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them
Benjamin Franklin said it first.

Gerrold's Pronouncement: The difference between a politician and a snail
is that a snail leaves its slime behind.

Tigger Smilie laughs uncontrollably...brilliant Big Laugh Smilie Big Laugh Smilie Big Laugh Smilie Big Laugh Smilie falls down holding his sides and laughing...tears rolling down his furry tiggery face!!!!

Jone's Motto: Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. ---so true!
Harver's Law: A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts. ---unfortunately true Sad Smilie

Church was empty today except for and old lady knitting a sock and a sleeping old man. There a married couple of course. The Wife noticing her husband was asleep pricked him with the needle.
"OW! Stop that!" He Said.
After A Few Minutes He Fell Back Asleep Again. The Wife pricked him again with the needle to wake him up.
"OW! I Said stop it woman!" He said angry.
Soon He Lost His Ange And Fell Right Back Asleep.
"Does Anyone Know What The First Thing Eve Said To Adam Was?" Said The Old Preist. The Wife Wanted His Husband To To try to answer the question so she pricked him with the needle again to wake him up, again.
"OW! If You Prick Me With That Damn Thing Again, I'll Rip It Off!" Yelled The Husband.
With A Slight Grin The Priest Looked At Him And Said "Correct."

Smoke Smilie

[Edited on 26/9/2002 by Orimono_Shujin]

[Edited on 29/9/2002 by Allyssa]
I just love these jokes. heheheheee
Hey Orimono Shujin, you might want to read back a couple weeks worth before posting jokes, The SKWRL told that joke's step-brother ealier this week. Still both are funny. Very Big Grin Smilie
OOPS! Well sorry guy i dont have all that time to read! Cool Smilie

[Edited on 28/9/2002 by Grondmaster]
No Problem, Ori. Smile Smilie

I just received this one today. If we have already had it I appologize, miost profusely, especially to Ori. Very Big Grin Smilie



A man goes to his dentist because he feels something is wrong with his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is completely corroded. What have you been eating?"

The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious: Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything -- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, you name it."

"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time I'll use chrome."

"Why chrome?" asks the patient.

The dentist replies,

"It's simple. Everyone knows there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

Big Laugh Smilie
ok ok heres one.....

Moisha Rabinowitz in the late 1930s fled his native land of
Germany. He sold all his assets and converted it to gold and then
had 5 sets of solid gold false teeth made.

When he arrived in New York the customs official was perplexed as
to why anybody would have 5 sets of gold teeth. So Moisha
explained.

"We Orthodox Jews have two separate sets of dishes for meat
products and dairy products but I am so kosher and religious I
also have separate sets of teeth."

The customs official shook his head and said, "Well that accounts
for two sets of teeth. What about the other three?"

Moisha then said "Vell us very religious Orthodox Jews use
separate dishes for Passover, but I am so religious I have
separate teeth, one for meat and one for dairy food.

The customs official slapped his head and then said,
"You must be a very religious man with separate teeth for food
and dairy products and likewise for Passover. That accounts for
four sets of teeth. What about the fifth set?"

"Vell to tell you the truth, once in a while I like a ham
sandwich."


Big Laugh Smilie

[Edited on 29/9/2002 by Allyssa]
Quote:
11) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
18) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
19) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
20) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
33) ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING
39) STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
43) Time's fun when you're having flies...Kermit the Frog
44) POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN ....Cops have nothing to go on.
52) The trouble with life is there's no background music.
53) IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?


OK, OK, I'm late, but these made me go ROFLMAO!!! Thanks Star!

The others are Very Big Grin Smilie too!
I'm so sorry......


A woman in her 90's is distraught after the death of her warm, caring,
faithful husband of seventy years. She can't live without him and decides
that the best way to do herself in is to stab herself in her pitifully broken
heart. Still, she doesn't want to linger so she calls a doctor to find out
exactly where the heart is.

He tells her to put her first two fingers together, hold them horizontally
and place the tip of the first finger just below her left nipple. The heart,
he says, is immediately below the first knuckle on her second finger.

Later that day, the doctor is called to the emergency room to put
fourteen stitches in the elderly woman's left thigh.
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