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Bottom of Page    Message Board > The Prancing Pony > Jokes!   << [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11] [12] [13] [14] [15] [16] [17] >>
RE: The coincidental Shakespearian manuscripts hiding in that enormous pile of monkey generated pages.

Who has time to edit through that infinite output looking for the pearl in a page pile? Were someone to actually stack those pages like a pile of mattresses and then were that pearl a pea, even then a Princess would have trouble reaching the top, for her restless manuscript finding slumber. Elf Winking Smilie
But if you had an infinite number of Princess' with an infinite amount of time on their hands... Big Laugh Smilie
Why did the Budgie get fired from the Pub?



Because he was caught with his hands in the Trill!
Bush and Cheney are at a restaurant for lunch. The waitress comes over and asks what they will be having.
Bush says, "I'll have a quickie."

The waitress steps back in disgust and says, "Mr. President, I thought that kind of piggish behavior went out with the last administration!"

She storms off and Dubya looks confused. Cheney shakes his head at the president and says, "George, it's pronounced QUICHE."

_______________

There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans. Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy, Johnny. The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a bush fan." The teacher says, "Why aren't you a bush fan?" Johnny says, "I'm an Al Gore fan"

The teacher asks why he's an Al Gore fan. The boy says, "Well, my mom's an Al Gore fan and my dad's an Al Gore fan, so I'm an Al Gore fan!" The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, "What if you're mom was a moron and you're dad was an idiot, what would that make you?" Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush fan."

______________

Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven. St. Peter was giving her a tour of Heaven when she noticed that there were billions of clocks on the wall. Each clock displayed a different time of day. When she asked St. Peter about the clocks, he replied, ''We have a clock for each person on earth and every time they tell a lie the hands move. The clock ticks off one second of your life-span each time a lie is told.''

Special attention was given to two clocks. The clock belonging to Mother Teresa has never moved, indicating that she never told a lie. The clock for Abraham Lincoln has only moved twice. He only told two lies in his life. Hillary asked ''Where is Bill's clock?'' St. Peter replied, ''Oh, Jesus has it in his office... he's using it as a ceiling fan.'''


[Edited on 12/5/2002 by ProgHead777]
Big Laugh Smilie The ceiling fan was a winner Prog; I voted twice for the central character, but not for his morals. The Bush jokes were good too, except we don't really need to make them up, he provides enough real-life fodder on his own. Cool Smilie
Grondy, I can't tell you how much I miss Clinton! Say what you will about his personal morals, he was a damn good president.

I don't hate Bush... but I don't exactly love him either.

Tell me, what do you think the chances are that Hillary Clinton will be the first female US president? If she runs (probably not in '04... perhaps in '08) I'd likely vote for her. I think she's as qualified as her husband... In fact, it'd be like having Bill back in the oval office! Woohoo!
Hilary in '08! Hey that's a good one too Prog. Elf With a Big Grin Smilie

Well if she got through the primaries with the nomination, I'd probably vote for her, after all she has already had eight year's experience in the oval office. Trouble is, did she learn anything about "Denial is futile, lay it out in the open, get it behind you"? Like she didn't do with the box of records that suddenly appeared one day in her office. Happy Elf Smilie

Maybe she could even appoint Billy as ambassador to some small nation without TV, McDonald's, inside plumbing, or nubile young women. Elf With a Big Grin Smilie
Quote:
Hilary in '08! Hey that's a good one too Prog.


LOL! Despite the thread title, I wasn't joking Big Smile Smilie

Quote:
Well if she got through the primaries with the nomination, I'd probably vote for her, after all she has already had eight year's experience in the oval office. Trouble is, did she learn anything about "Denial is futile, lay it out in the open, get it behind you"? Like she didn't do with the box of records that suddenly appeared one day in her office.


I think her successful senate run proved that not many people are hung up on Whitewater. Sounds to me like politics and politicians as usual.

Quote:
Maybe she could even appoint Billy as ambassador to some small nation without TV, McDonald's, inside plumbing, or nubile young women.


ROFLMAO!!
Quote:
Maybe she could even appoint Billy as ambassador to some small nation without TV, McDonald's, inside plumbing, or nubile young women.


Why Greenland?
Hilary in 08? Super Scared Smilie Personally I think Rudolph Giuliani will run, and he would squash her!!

Of course Clinton was good for a laugh, I have laughed at him a number of times! Big Smile Smilie
I thought young Billy was an excellent president, but maybe a little too moderate; he acted like complete *** when it came to his private life, and lost my respect because of it. Very Sad Smilie

My feelings about the Shrub are just the opposite. I hold his person and office in high respect, but dislike most of his policies and think he is taking the country towards "1984". Hopefully, I will be wrong and at least half of his policies will be the right ones. I like Dubya, just as I liked Carter before him. Carter, who also found himself living in 'interesting times', couldn't measure up to the challenge. Both are good people. Happy Elf Smilie

And all three presidents have provided the comedians with fodder for their standup routines. Elf With a Big Grin Smilie

Big Laugh Smilie Quick, somebody tell another joke to return us the that happier venue. Big Laugh Smilie

[Edited on 7/12/2002 by Grondmaster]
Sorry, ran out of jokes, Grond. Big Smile Smilie

I think Hillary will stand a pretty good chance. When's the next election, anyway?
Quote:
> >> English: I thought you were on a diet?
> >> Chinese: Wai Yu Mun Ching?

So funny! After this one I almost fell off my chair...
Orc With Thumbs Up Smilie That was a good one Ringfacwen!
Ok... I'm a little rusty but I'll give it a shot...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was the first day of school and a new student named
Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the
fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by
reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me
Liberty, or give me Death?" She saw a sea of blank
faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775." He said.

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by
the people, for the people, shall not perish from the
earth'"? Again, no response except from Suzuki:

"Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be
ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more
about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Japs."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna
puke."

The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said
that?"

Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime
Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck
this!"

Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts
to the teacher,

"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little
shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary
Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around
the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shucks, we're
in BIG trouble!

....and Suzuki said, "The Taliban! 2001."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I Hope That's Good! Big Laugh Smilie

[Edited on 8/12/2002 by Orimono_Shujin]

[Edited on 14/12/2002 by Grondmaster]
Elf With a Big Grin Smilie Orimono_Shujin: That's not only good, it's so good I'm not even going to edit out the minor language infractions, and am going to send it to some of my other friends. Elf With a Big Grin Smilie
Quote:
Elf With a Big Grin Smilie Orimono_Shujin: That's not only good, it's so good I'm not even going to edit out the minor language infractions, and am going to send it to some of my other friends. Elf With a Big Grin Smilie


Why, Thank you! It's always great to be complimented by the almighty! Big Laugh Smilie

... I Didn't Say That... Paranoid Smilie
Well the Council has decided we may use 'all asterisks' to replace swear words, so we will be trying to back-fit your jokes. (This sentence has been modified since it was originally written see my remarks at the bottom of my 15 DEC 2002 posting.)

Henceforth, please try to self-censor your jokes as you add them. Meanwhile try this one.

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits the bartender comes over, and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"

"I'll have a beer, too" says the ostrich.

The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.

The next day, the man, and the ostrich come again, and the man says I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again. " The usual?" asks the bartender.

"Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. That will be $7.20" says the bartender.

Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket a! ! and places it on the bar. The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The bartender asks "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man replies "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."


[Edited on 15/12/2002 by Grondmaster]
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment and when she opens the door she finds her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blond is angry, so she opens her purse to take out the gun. As she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it". The blonde replies "Shut up, you're next."

(If The Squirrel has already done this one I'm sorry, but I didn't remember it and have only finished cleaning up the first three pages of the jokes here such that the will meet the council's newest guidelines. Thankfully the dumb blonde stereotype remains for us to humiliate. Just remember, most blondes aren't stupid, in fact most of them are so intelligent that they act like they are addle-brained just to throw the rest of us off balance.) Elf With a Big Grin Smilie

:elfembar: I mis-spoke earlier, we are allowed use 'all asterisks' in place of our naughty words. This will only only cause those with tender ears the challenge of figuring out the missing words.

[Edited on 15/12/2002 by Grondmaster]
Goog one Ringfacwen1

Thought you might like the Christmas Cake recipe below to try out.

(Hate cooking but may give making this Christmas cake a try, ingredients are pretty standard and method looks easy. )

> > Ingredients:
> 1 cup of water
> 1 tsp baking soda
> 1 cup of sugar
> 1 tsp salt
> 1 cup of brown sugar
> lemon juice
> 4 large eggs
> nuts
>1 bottle Vodka
>2 cups of dried fruit
Method:
Sample the vodka to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the vodka again.
To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat .
Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar.
Beat again.
At this point it's best to make sure the vodka is shtill OK.
Try another cup .... just in case.
Turn off the mixerer.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick fruit off floor.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the vodka to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who giveshz a ****.
Check the vodka.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick the cat.


> > CHERRY MISTMAS
Two men crashed in their private plane on a South Pacific Island. Both survived.

One of the men brushed himself off and then proceeded to run all over the island to see if they had any chance of survival. When he returned, he rushed up to the other man and screamed, "This island is uninhabited and there is no food or water. We are going to die!"

The other man leaned back against the fuselage of the wrecked plane, folded his arms and responded, "No we're not. I make over $250,000 a week."

The first man grabbed his friend and shook him. "Listen, we are on an uninhabited island. There is no food, no water. We are going to die!" The other man, unruffled, again responded. "No we won't. I make over $250,000 a week."

Mystified, the first man, taken aback with such an answer, again repeated, "For the last time, I'm telling you we ARE doomed. There is NO one else on this island. There is No food. There is NO water. We are, I repeat, we are going to die a slow death."

Still unfazed, the first man looked the other in the eyes and said, "Do not make me say this again. I make over $250,000 per week. I tithe. MY PASTOR WILL FIND US!" Elf Winking Smilie

(NOTE: To make this more palatable, you may wish to substitute "priest," "rabbi," "imam," "rector," or "shaman" in place of "pastor". To make it more politically correct, you could delete the "I tithe." and replace "pastor" with "broker" or "accountant".) Elf With a Big Grin Smilie
Thats So cool and so true at the same time apart from you missed out the fact that macs would be like a jag compared to some japanesse car, costs more but is actually slower?
Okay, Ungoliant sent me this today, I thought it might fit here rather nicely...


this one guy goes to the doctor's one day, and he complains that every
morning after he wakes up, he's convinced that he actually wrote the lord of
the rings.

the doc's confused, so he refers to all his medical journals until he
finally finds the answer.

"i've finally figured out the cause of your problem", the doctor says.

"what is it?" asks the man.

"you've been tolkien in your sleep".
*groans* Big Laugh Smilie
I am afraid that I could make very little sense of that one, Ringfacwen. Yet, I am sure it is in the best possible taste. Shaking Head Smilie
O...O...OMG! ROFLMAO!!! Tears... oh... I can't take it! ROFLSHICEBOLGIHHMOMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ally, if you lived where I live that would make perfect sense to you...and you'd be ROFL! Ha Ha Ha Smilie
Ringfacwen...the Christmas poem: LOL Big Laugh Smilie
Signs, signs,
Everywhere there's signs
Blocking up the scenery
Breakin' my mind...

http://ds1.humor.com/cgi-bin/photos/index.pl?photo=234

http://ds1.humor.com/cgi-bin/photos/index.pl?photo=280

http://www.roadtripamerica.com/signs/tattoo.htm

http://www.roadtripamerica.com/signs/fried.htm

http://www.roadtripamerica.com/signs/boring.htm

http://www.headlinehumor.com/signs43.htm

http://headlinehumor.com/signs59.htm

http://www.headlinehumor.com/signs67.htm

And may god rest her soul:

http://www.headlinehumor.com/signs47.htm



A man was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to gasp and choke and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.

The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't even remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He eagerly read it thinking it might be something he should recite during the service. It said:

YOU IDIOT -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN HOSE!!!


Very Funny Prog, although I have seen one of two of them before, under other guises. Big Smile Smilie Wink Smilie
Quote:
Signs, signs,
Everywhere there's signs
Blocking up the scenery
Breakin' my mind...




Okay, off topic here, but Prog, do you by any chance know where I can find a copy of the original of that song? (Five man electrical band wasn't it?) as I only have Tesla's cover version, and I'd love to know how it compares.
Ringfacwen that Hommie poem was brilliant.

Ok I work in Cheetham hill in manchester it has the highest crime rate in Great Britain so here you go.

Whats the highest mountain in Cheetham Hill?

Killamanforhisgiro!

way hey a thousand bad jokes all of them tasteless or crude and thats one of the few i can publish.
I don't know if I have told you this one before or not but here goes

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans. Saint Peter addresses the first guy: "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City," he replies. Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. It's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?" "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
Quote:
Okay, off topic here, but Prog, do you by any chance know where I can find a copy of the original of that song? (Five man electrical band wasn't it?) as I only have Tesla's cover version, and I'd love to know how it compares


I had both versions on my computer but I look now and see that the Tesla version has inexplicably vanished in the vast jungle of my My Music folder Big Laugh Smilie

I like the original better Anyway...I'm a sucker for Wurlitzer piano Big Laugh Smilie And the original just seems to rock harder than the Tesla version which, when you think about it, is pretty odd.

I can try emailing it to you. It's a relatively small file at 3.65 Mb... it MIGHT work. If that fails, I can send it to you through ICQ or MSN. Or if you have a P2P program like KaZaA or iMesh you shouldn't have any problem finding it that way.

PS- Sorry for the off topic thing....y'all know how it is Wink Smilie
Okay thanks Prog, I'll try to get it on winMX, it might even work, you never know...
And it has Wurlitzer on it? Wahey! If I can't get it, expect a begging e-mail from me in the next few days...
Quote:
Okay thanks Prog, I'll try to get it on winMX


WinMX is a big waste of disc space. Get KaZaA (preferably KaZaA-lite...the regular version is full of spyware) or iMesh. trying to d/l something on winMX is like standing in a bread line.

Quote:
And it has Wurlitzer on it? Wahey!


Yep! And a little B-3 to boot! Orc With Thumbs Up Smilie
A hillbilly writing home from Marine's Bootcamp!


Dear Ma and Pa;

Am well. Hope you are. Tell brother Walt & Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old Ma Minch by a mile.

Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first becasue you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a. m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt & Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Pratically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they git warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc..., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt & Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee, their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Seargent says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The Seargent is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors & Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt & Elmer with laughing.

I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Be sure to tell Walt & Elmer to hurry & join before other fellers get into this setup & come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter, Gail

P. S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 towards a new barn roof & ma's teeth. The city boys shoot cr*ps, but not very good.
Ok here's one for the Brits

Have you heard there going to turn 25 Cromwell Street into a pub.

It's going to be a Bodies house!

I'm sorry I know it's sick!
Some Late Christmas Jokes

Why does Santa Claus have three gardens?
So he can Ho-Ho-Ho.

What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month?
The letter "D".

What do reindeer have that no other animals on earth have?
Baby reindeer.

If athletes get athlete's foot, then what do astronauts get?
mistletoe

What do you call a polar bear wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want. He can't hear you!

What do you call a chicken at the North Pole?
Lost.

How does Mickey Mouse get around during the winter?
Mice skates.

Where does Frosty the Snowman keep his money?
In a snow bank.

What happened when Santa's cat swallowed a ball of yarn?
She had mittens.

What is Santa's favorite breakfast cereal?
Frosted Flakes.

What is Frosty's favorite breakfast cereal?
Snow Flakes.

How does Santa Claus take pictures?
With a North Pole-aroid camera.

Who carries all of Santa's books?
His books elf. (book shelf)

What's red and white and red and white and red and white?
Santa Claus rolling down a hill.

What does Frosty the Snowman take when he gets sick?
A chill pill.

What do you call a cow in the North Pole?
An Eski-moo.

What did the sheep say to the shepherd?
Seasons Bleetings!
Whats black, white, red, black, white, red?

A penguin in a blender!
Some guidance for us all:
Martahishi Fattifat*******’s Guide to Zen


Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me either, just go away and leave me alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

The darkest hours come just before the dawn.
So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Don't aspire to become irreplaceable.
If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Never forget that like everyone else, you are unique.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments

Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Have you ever lent someone Ģ20 and never seen that person again?
It was probably worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreen.

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.

Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know


(Grondy fixed an errant ASCII number.)

[Edited on 4/1/2003 by Grondmaster]
I Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops...never mind, didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big ol'stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright, Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the
exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See, if he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18-wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know, I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out, no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning ..okay...no problem. I thought for sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked, "So, is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said, "No, I'm delivering a bridge... here's your sign."

I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said, "Are you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."

Anybody you know need a sign today? Send this to all your friends. The next time someone says something stupid ask them where their sign is!

I Personal Note: Members of Planet-Tolkien.com are exempt from having to wear signs (it's just a given).
So ,grondy,when i asked you about the screenshot..., should i have used one of your signs?.... Big Laugh Smilie ..., because i feel like i should have done it.... Big Laugh Smilie Big Laugh Smilie

Just kidding.......

[Edited on 4/1/2003 by THINGOL77]

thanks red, I swear I try and I try and I try, and I try , but I canīt get no......education....., Big Laugh Smilie .......... well, i know the rollings stonesīsong said satisfaction,..but..., it could be applied to this situation...,could it not?..... Wink Smilie


[Edited on 4/1/2003 by THINGOL77]
Whoops, Thingol77, it looks like your caps lock key was on.
Remember that typing in all capital letters is considered shouting in chatrooms and forums. Smoke Smilie
OK, here goes

Q: Where does the general keep his armies?

A: Up his sleeve-ies!!!!

HA ha HA, get it, like, arms up sleeves? I'm so witty... here comes the next one, typical bar joke..

A Man walks into a bar and says:
"Ow"
Quote:
A hillbilly writing home from Marine's Bootcamp!


That reminded me of this golden oldie:

Quote:
Letter From A West Virginia Mother To Her Son



Dear Son,

I am writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper most accidents happen within two miles of the home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the numbers with them for their next house so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. It only rained twice last week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

I sent the coat you wanted, but before I did your Aunt Sue said that those heavy buttons on the front would be too heavy for the mail so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. Pretty clever, your Aunt Sue!

We got a bill from the funeral home, it said if we didn't mail the last payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes. And your father, he has a lovely new job. He has five hundred men under him. He is cutting grass at the cemetary.

Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it's a boy or girl, so I don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out by rolling down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned... they couldn't get the tailgate down.

Your uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.



Not much more news this time, not much happened.



Write more often.

Love,

Mom



PS. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed. Sorry.





NOTE: All characters in the above story are fictional. Any resemblance to real West Virginians, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

My stomach hurts, my jaw hurts, I'm crying... this is why:

NOTE: sections enclosed in *asterisks* were edited by Proghead777 for content. Please also note that if you think these are bad you should see the ones he deleted entirely!

FUNNY TRANSLATIONS

The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention that the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"

In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.

In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk."

Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

In a Tokyo bar: "Special today for the ladies with nuts."

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.

Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."

In a Rhodes tailor shop: "Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."

Puffs tissues tried to introduce its product in German only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a *house of ill repute.* - edited by Prog

In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notice.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: "Would you like to ride your own *@#$*"? - edited by Prog

In a Rome laundry: "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time."

In a Hong Kong supermarket: "For your convenience, we recommend courageous, efficient self-service."

A hotel notice in Madrid: If You Wish Disinfection Enacted In Your Presence, Please Cry Out For The Chambermaid

In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).

Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth."

When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant!"

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem-Feeling Free", was translated into the Japanese market as "When smoking Salem, you will feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty".

In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.

Ford had a problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company discovered that the word Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny *masculinity*". - edited by Prog

In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."

When Kentucky Fried Chicken entered the Chinese market, they discovered that their slogan "finger lickin' good" was translated as "eat your fingers off".

Frank Perdue was no better off. This chicken magnate's slogan: "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken" was rendered in Spanish as "It takes a *virile* man to make a chicken *excited*." - edited by Prog

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later, they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious pornographic magazine.

When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Mojorcan shop entrance: - English well speaking / - Here speeching American.

Tokyo hotel's rules: Guests are requested not to smoke and do other disgusting behaviors in bed.

In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur Coats Made For Ladies From Their Own Skin.

Sign in a German hospital: No Children Allowed In The Maternity Wards.

The sign at the concierge's desk in an Athen's hotel:" If You Consider Our Help Impolite, You Should See The Manager."

A notice in a Vienna hotel: In Case Of Fire Do Your Utmost To Alarm The Hall Porter.

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive sideways



[Edited on 1/16/2003 by ProgHead777]
I know this isn`t a joke, but it`s a song. (Not extremely funny.) Wink Smilie


(This text of the song was removed as it was not in keeping with our policy of providing family fare on this website.)


Me and my mates made actions and everything up to it. Cool Smilie (Rude actions.) Wink Smilie

What do you think? A bit rude for a 11 year old, huh? Big Laugh Smilie

[Edited on 17/1/2003 by Grondmaster]
, this is soooooo lame of me, but it's only now that i get the joke about the man that walkes into a bar

I herd it like, millions of times, and it's only now that i accually understood it!?!?!?

anyways, that wasn't too important. Big Smile Smilie Sad Smilie Cool Smilie Big Laugh Smilie
So, here are two more jokes(i dunno if someone has already mentionned them, and i'm sorry if it's offensive to anyone)

Big Smile Smilie A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in. The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away. The Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.

"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!" say the firemen to the Redhead. "Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead. "No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!" "OK," says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.

Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell, "Jump! You have to jump!" "No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde. "No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!" "Look," the Blonde says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it..."


and the 2nd one-

A blond is driving in her car, when she notices an other blond paddling a canoe on a grass field.She steps out of her car, and yells to the canooing blond-"See, it's blonds like you that give us such bad reputations" "It's not my fault i can't paddle my boat to the shore"the other answers back. "I'm sorry" the blond on the side walk continues"but if only i could swim, i'd help you out ."

(funny -strange- thing is, I'm blond,and as well as others i can't relate myself to that).
- Sorry, Eolyn. The Management does not consider that joke appropriate.-

[Edited on 20/1/2003 by Allyssa]
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