Login | Register
 
Message Board | Latest Posts | Your Recent Posts | Rules

Thread: Jokes!

Is this discussion interesting? Share it on Twitter!

Bottom of Page    Message Board > The Prancing Pony > Jokes!   << [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11] [12] [13] [14] [15] [16] [17] >>
Rollex and frog were great! Big Smile Smilie
Okay apparently for every 5 sane people 1 person is insane(or a complete nutcase if you like).
So think of all of your friends, family and anyone you have ever met and if 5 of them seem to be alright then guess what, its you.
lol...my friend has a bumper sticker that says that...

found this...
15 Ways to be Annoying

1) Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing how long it will take until your free refills cost money.
2) If paged, wait until midnight to answer the call.
3) Construct an elaborate display of ropes in your backyard and tell your neighbors that you're a ''spider person.''
4) When attending a movie you've already seen, yell out: ''Don't let him in! He's the killer!''
5. When buying a goldfish at a pet store, ask the salesperson how often you should walk it.
6) When in a crowded elevator, say loudly: ''I hope I fixed it this time.''
7) Beep when a large person backs up.
8) Look around suspiciously in public and tell onlookers about the ''little men.''
9) Insist on making inanimate objects ''dance''
10) Occasionally talk into your hand in public.
11) Carry a duffel bag onto an elevator, wait until it's full, then ask if anyone knows how to disarm a bomb in less than 19 seconds.
12) When stopped at a traffic light during rush hour, claw desperately at the roof of the car.
13) Insist that someone accompany you to the public rest room because of Henry, the toilet monster.
14) While carpooling, make swervy turns while imitating crash noises.
15) Insist that life is ''one big musical,'' then try to prove your theory by randomly breaking out into song in public.
Now how did you know I was going to put this one in Chika?

A father and his 6-year-old son walk into a bank. When they get in line the son notices the very large woman in front of them. The son tugs at the dad’s jacket and says, "Daddy, look! That lady is huge!" the father replies "yes son she's as big as a truck". About a minute later the large woman’s beeper goes off and the kid pushes his father out of the way and yells, "Look out dad!!! It’s backing up!"

And this one, which I don't know if I like or not, but what the hey!

The young priest was so afraid at his first mass that he could hardly speak. Before his second week at the pulpit, he asked the monsignor, "How can I relax?" The monsignor, a veteran of his work, said, "My son, this Sunday it might help if you put a martini in the water pitcher instead of water. After a few sips, everything should go smoothly." Sunday came and the young priest did as the monsignor suggested. He believed everything went very well. After the sermon, the young priest asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "Just fine, except you should remember the following before addressing the congregation again: Next time, sip the martini rather than gulping it down. There are 10 Commandments, not 12. There are 12 disciples, not 10. We don't refer to the Cross as the 'Big T. We don't refer to our Savior Jesus Christ and his Disciples as 'J.C. and the boys. Finally, we don't refer to the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit as the 'Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.

By the way, Fangorn's joke was class, laughed myself stupid, shame it's gone, but I s'pose the legend has a point.
Liked it about the martini Plastic! Here's a really bad one from my ex-boss.

Count Dracula is on the pull in Glasgow. He spends the night drinking Bloody Marys in various clubs and biting on unsuspecting women's necks. He is heading for home, wandering along Argyle street sometime before sunrise.

Suddenly he is hit on the back of the head. He looks round and sees nothing. He looks down and sees a small sausage roll. Mmmm, he thinks. What's going on here.

A few yards further on and ... BANG. Smacked on the back of the head again! He whirls round as quick as he can, nothing. Again he looks down and there is a small triangular sandwich lying on the ground. How odd!!

A few yards further along the street and .... crash. Smacked on the back of the head again!! He whirls round as quick as he can, nothing. He's getting really angry now. Again he looks down and there is a cocktail sausage lying on the ground. He stands and peers into the darkness of the night. Nothing.

He walks a few yards further on when he gets a tap on the shoulder. With a swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist he turns as fast as he can. He feels a sharp pain in his heart. He falls to the ground clutching his chest, which is punctured by a small cocktail stick laden with a chunk of cheese and a pickle. On the ground dying, he looks up and sees a young female. With his dying breath he gasps, who the hell are you? She replies my name is...........

.....Buffet, the vampire slayer.
GROOOOAAAAAAANNNNN that was totally pun-full Smile Smilie
Two old jokes about scientific reasoning...
Three scientists are travelling by train in Holland. Suddenly one of them says
"All cows in Holland are black-and-white"
'Oh no, you can't say that" says another guy "You can only say that twelve cows in Holland that we had seen from this train were black-and-white".
"No, you can't say even that" says the third scientist "You can only say that twelve cows in Holland that we had seen from this train were black-and-white on their sides seen from the train".

Another...
Two poor students spent a night sleeping in an inn on rude wooden benches.
In the morning one of them wakens and founds out that he is terribly stiff, his back aches. And suddenly he perceives a small feather lying on his bench.
"One little feather!" exclaims he "One little feather and such suffering! How I pity now these rich people who use to sleep on feather beds!. They must suffer a real hell!"
A young woman is reading the catalogue of fur coats.
"What a lovely fur!" exclaims she "Oh how I'd like to have such fur!"
"You must eat Whiskas, my darling!" says her husband.
Quote:
"You must eat Whiskas, my darling!" says her husband.
Or Cat Chow. Big Smile Smilie

[Edited on 9/3/2002 by Grondmaster]
my sociology teacher gave us this handout...apparently all these laws are for real...

Stupid New Jersey Laws (btw, if you don't know, I'm from Jersey)

You cannot pump your own gas. All gas stations are full service and full service only.
It is against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season.
If you have been convicted of driving while intoxicated, you may never again apply for personalized license plates.
Car dealerships are forbidden from opening on Sunday.
You may not slurp your soup.
Automobiles are not to pass horse drawn carriages on the street.
It is illegal to delay or detain a homing pigeon.
Bernards Township: It is illegal to frown as the town is a "Frown-Free Town Zone".
Caldwell: You may not dance or wear shorts on the main avenue.
Cranford: Citizens are not permitted to park their own boat on their lawn.
Cresskill: All cats must wear three bells to warn birds of their whereabouts.
Elizabeth: It is forbidden for a woman, on a Sunday, to walk down Broad Street without wearing a petticoat.
Manville: It is illegal to offer whiskey or cigarettes to animals a the local zoo.
Newark: It is illegal to sell ice cream after 6pm, unless the customer has a note from his doctor.
Ocean City: People may not slurp their soup.
Pinball machines are not to be played on Sunday.
Raw hamburger may not be sold.
Raritan: Profanity is prohibited.
Sea Isle City: There will be no boiling of bones on the property.
Trenton: You may not throw a bad pickle in the street.
Pickles are not to be consumed on Sundays.
[Edited on 3/10/2002 by chikakat]
Quote:
Raw hamburger may not be sold.
They probably call it ground beef to get around that stupid law.

Or it may be that hamburger has a higher fat content than ground beef and lean ground beef and they are watching you calorie intake for you.

Or the law may just date from WW I when they outlawed many Germanic names and then forgot to go back and repeal some of them. Which is why some people call "frankfurters" = "tube steak". Big Smile Smilie
Q:What is yellow and dangerous?

A:Shark infested custard!
Quote:
Q:What is yellow and dangerous?
A: A 500 pound canary. Big Smile Smilie

A: A possessed taxi cab.
I have a custard joke:

Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?

So they can hide upside-down in custard.

on the same theme.....

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

So they can hide in the apple trees.

How did Tarzan die?

Picking apples.


....can't get much sillier than those... Big Smile Smilie
Now a more serious joke (hehe) for writers:

A writer died and was met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter.

"You get to have your choice, heven or hell?" the angel asked

"I don't know," said the writer, "Let me see both."

So the angel takes him to hell. He sees rank upon rank of writers, each toiling away furiously at a typewriter, never stopping to rest.

The angel takes the writer to heaven. He sees rank upon rank of writers, each toiling away furiously at a typewriter, never stopping to rest.

"What's the difference between heaven and hell?" he asks St Peter.

"OH!" says the angel "In heaven, you get published!" Big Smile Smilie
A man wakes up on a desert island - he looks down at the sand, which is purple, he looks up and sees that the sky is purple, he looks around him and the trees are purple, and he also sees that the grass is purple and so is the sea. he looks down as his arms and sees that his skin is turning purple -"oh no" he exclaims "I've been marooned!"
Quote:
"OH!" says the angel "In heaven, you get published!" Big Smile Smilie
LOL Yes, that makes a world of difference. Big Smile Smilie
Okay, I've got a few to offload here, as I've been forgetting recently, sorry...

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says, "I'll tell him."

and then...

In Las Vegas there's a nightclub that has a very special mirror in the ladies room. When you stand in front of this mirror and tell a lie the mirror swallows you.
A rather ugly woman stands in front of the mirror and says: '' I think I am the most beautiful woman in the whole world!'
SHUM! The mirror swallows her
Then a fat woman stands in front of it and says:’ I think I am the sexiest woman on earth!''
SHUM! The mirror swallows her.
Afterwards a very good looking-sexy blonde stands in front of the mirror and says:
''I think.'
SHUM!

and still it goes on, slightly out of date, but still funny...

President Clinton decided to buy a puppy as a present for Hillary. He snuck the puppy under his coat into the White House and as he was walking down one of the halls he comes upon Al Gore. Clinton could not hold back his joy and shared his surprise with the Vice President.
"Look what I got for Hillary!" exclaims Clinton, holding up the puppy.
Al Gore stares for a moment, then his eyes brighten up as he says, "Nice trade, sir!"

And finally....

This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!" The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"

Sorry to go on, but I had to get these beauties out.

Three statisticians went out hunting. After walking for a while they spotted a deer. The first statistician aimed and shot 20m to the right, the second statistician aimed and shot 20m to the left. The third jumped up and down yelling "we got it! we got it!"
Big Smile Smilie
This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place, and he takes a seat at the bar.

"This is a nice place. I've never been here before," he says to the guy next to him.
"Oh, really?" the other replies. "It is a nice place. It's also a very special bar."
"Why is that?" the first guy asks. "Well, do you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."
"Gee, that's amazing!" says the first guy.
"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up."
"No way! That's impossible," the guy scoffs.
"Not at all. Take a look," the other man replies, and with that he walks over to the window and opens it. He climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh -- he comes right back up and sails back through the window. "See? It's fun. You should try it," he says.
"Try it? I don't even believe I saw it!" the first man shouts.
"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again." And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40... 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh -- he comes right back up and sails back through the window. "Give it a try. It's a blast," he says.
"Well, what the heck, I'll give it a try," the first man says, and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10... 20... 30... 40... 50...60...70...80...90... 100 feet and splat -- he ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.
After watching this, the second guy casually closes the window, heads back to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."
Both the last two jokes were laughers. Big Smile Smilie I always had my suspicions about Superman, always favored the great tea-totaler, Captain Marvel. Wink Smilie
First Joke of the new server then... very appropriate as well.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
Not only that, but....
Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
That wasn't a joke, it was a Reality. It made me so sad that when I finish today's forum, I have decided to go play on my Commodore 64, at least when it crashes I usually know the reason: operator error. Big Smile Smilie
And on exactly the same theme....

If Operating Systems Were Airlines

DOS Air: Passengers walk out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push it until it gets in the air, hop on, then jump off when it hits the ground. They grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop on, jump off...

Mac Airways: The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the same, talk the same, and act the same. When you ask them questions aboutthe flight, they reply that you don't want to know, don't need to know and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.

Windows Airlines: The terminal is neat and clean, the attendants courteous, the pilots capable. The fleet of Lear jets the carrier operates is immense. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushes above the clouds and, at 20,000 feet, explodes without warning.

OS/2 Skyways: The terminal is almost empty - only a few prospective passengers mill about. The announcer says that a flight has just departed, although no planes appear to be on the runway. Airline personnel apologize profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside. They tell each passenger how great the flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but they will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems. Maybe until mid-2005. Maybe longer
Got a ton of them today. First up we have puns, the true lowest form of wit, absolutely loads of 'em as well.

Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating: always use condiments.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from
morons?
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

and then this one....

Once, there were two bikers driving down the highway on a cold afternoon.
"Man! commented one... it's FREEZING!!! and my coat won't zip up.
The cold air is killing me!"

The other biker thought for a minute as they sped down the road.
"Well, he said at last... you can turn your jacket around, then the open side
would be at the back.
You wouldn't get so cold that way."

"Great idea!" commented the other. "stop and let me swich."
The driver pulled over, and the passenger put his jacket on backwards.
"There! he said when he had compleated the swich. "I feel better already."

The two of them climbed back on the Motorcycle and drove off.
Then, suddenly they hit a patch of ice on the road, and spun off and crashed.
A few minutes later a crowd had gathered, and when the ambulance arrived,
the EMTs shouted out "Is anybody hurt?"

One guy from the crowd replied "Well, the driver was dead when I got here,
but the other guy was doing allright until we fixed his head."

Oh alright I'll save the rest for later....
Okay, I like this one, it reminds me of some people I used to work with...

There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig.
The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.
He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"
The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."
LOL
Quote:
Your bureaucracy at work.
Okay, just got sent this....

A police officer was "conveniently" parked outside a local neighborhood bar. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity, he approached a car and tried his key in it. Five cars later, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles.

At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test.

To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station-This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "I haven't had a drop to drink. Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Smile Smilie
ROFL Big Smile Smilie

Good one 42. Cool Smilie
ROFLMFAO!!!!
Very good. Seems a shame to follow it up with a bad pun really...

A lawyer, who was quite wealthy, had a summer cabin to which he retreated for
several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different
friend
of his to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a
backwoods
section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian
friend to
stay with him, and the friend, eager to get something free from a lawyer,
agreed.

Early one morning the lawyer and his Czech friend went out to pick berries for
their
morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, along came two huge
bears -
a male and a female. The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for
cover.
His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed
him whole.

The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast as he could, and got
the local sheriff.
The sheriff grabbed his rifle and dashed back to the berry patch with the
lawyer.
Sure enough, the two bears were still there.

"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of
lawsuits from
his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend.

The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun,
took careful aim and SHOT THE FEMALE.

"Why did you do that?" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"

"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that -
the Czech was in the male?!


[Edited on 14/12/2002 by Grondmaster]
Okay, here's a couple that tickled me...

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything: tutors, flash cards, special learning centers.
In a last-ditch effort, they took Tommy and enrolled him in the local Catholic
school.

After the first day, Little Tommy came home with a very serious look on his
face.
He didn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and
started studying.
His mother was amazed. She called him to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was
done
he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting
the books
as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day while his mother
tried to
understand what made all the difference.

Finally, Little Tommy brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the
table and went
up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his mom looked at it.
To her surprise,
little Tommy got an A in math. She could no longer hold her curiousity. She went
to his room
and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"
Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head, "No!"
"Well, then," she asked, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the
uniforms?
WHAT was it?"

Little Tommy looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school,
when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling
around!"


and this one...


A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to
Flagstaff.
He got as far as Black Canyon before the mountains just became too much and he
could go no farther.

He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop.
Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the
bike wouldn't fit in the car.
The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it
to his bumper.
He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too
fast, to honk the horn
on his bike and that he would slow down.

Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew
past them.
Not to be out done, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A
short distance down the road,
the Corvettes, both going well over 120 MPH, blew through a speed trap.

The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other
officer that he had two
Corvettes headed his way at over 120 MPH.

He then relayed, "...and you're not going to believe this...
but there's guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass!"
I liked both of these. That bicycle rider sure found the sweet spot, to be able to draft that well in the wake of the Corvette. Ha Ha Ha Smilie
This one actually got me doing the full belly laugh for once. I couldn't see it til the end, hooray!

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man,
"Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched
briskly
back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and
the
manager returned and stood over the man.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked,
"All right buddy, what's our name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied "the balcony."
Ha Ha Ha Smilie Your right: Belly laughs. I score it a 9 out of 10.
Just a quick one today...

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs "give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "you can't do this – I am a United States congressman!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!" And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down Nuts!" And they all sat. After a home run, he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" And they all broke into applause and cheers.

Things were going so well that he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.

The assistant replied, "Well, everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, 'PEANUTS!'"
Just found some daffy definitions, so here we go:

Dogma: the mother of a dog
Endorse: the last 'orse in the race
Exact: circus act with eggs
Exchequer: the one who counts the eggs
Foreign: use an umbrella!
Forest: sit or lie down
!
Hurricane: a cane used to make people move faster
Illegal: an eagle that doesn't feel well
Laboratory: doesn't know whether he's Labour or Tory
Liable: able to tell lies
Minimum: a very small mother
Pantry: a tree on which pans grow
Selfish: what a fishmonger does
Winsome: and lose some - that's life!

[Edited on 20/4/2002 by TomBombadillo]

[Edited on 20/4/2002 by TomBombadillo]

[Edited on 14/12/2002 by Grondmaster]
Righty, lots to get through today, but they're all corkers...

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man.

"You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes.
But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift
off, as if you're sleeping.
How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was
cheating on me,
so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found
her alone,
knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran
up to the second floor,
but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and
just as I got there,
I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive!"

and one for the vegetarians....

One day two carrots were walking down the street. They were the best of friends.

Just as they started to step off the curb a car came speeding around the corner
and
ran one of them over. The unhurt carrot cradled his buddy, telling him over and
over again
that he would be OK. Finally the ambulance arrived and rushed the injured carrot
off to the
hospital. His friend rode with him.

Once at the hospital the uninjured carrot paced back and forth in the
emergency room waiting to hear how his pal was going to be.

After many minutes of agonized waiting the doctor came out.
He walked over to the distraught carrot and said "I have good news and I have
bad news.
The good news is that your friend is going to live...
The bad news is that he is going to be a vegetable all his life".

And finally, something worked out by a guy who eveidently has way, way, way too much time on his hands...

If Kitty Carlisle married Conway Twitty, she'd be Kitty Twitty.
If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.
If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg (hey! it's the '90's!), he'd be Cat
Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton
John,
she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster,
she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry
Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.
If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.
How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog
Alou.
If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry
Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.

Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he
uses
it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then
Pamela Dare,
he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she'd
be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of
Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM),
and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer
Wiener.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck,
divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.
Okay, I've got one. There's this guy and he's speeding down the interstate. A cop pulls him over and he can tell the cop is a rookie. The cop comes up and asks "Can I please see your liscense?" The guy says "No, I don't have one." The cop says, "Well, can I see your registration?" No, I stole this car." The cop, who's getting a little flustered, says "Well, can I look in the trunk?' The guy says 'No, then you'd see the dead body.' The cop then says 'I'm going to have to go get back up.' The guy sits calmly while the cop calls for a superior officer. Another officer comes and asks the guy "May I please see your liscense?" The guy hands over his liscense. "May I please see your registration?' The man hands over his registration. "May I please look in the trunk?' The man got out and opened the trunk. The officer said "I'm sorry the other guy said you had no liscense, no registration, and a dead body in the trunk.' The man said "Yeah, I bet the lying SOB said I was speeding too.'
ROFLMAO!!! Ha Ha Ha Smilie
These are so great! The name thing is LOL! I had heard yours before Fangorn, but not in the way you told it. ROFL! Very Big Grin Smilie
Okay, this one's shooting for the other side, but it's damn funny, so what the hell...

Three Scientists were talking to God, "Hey God we don't need you anymore we can make Man ourselves". God said "O really", and the scientists said, "yea, as a matter of fact why don't we have a contest who can make a man faster you or us", So God said "O.K". So the scientists went back to his friends and said "we are going to have a contest with God to see who can make a man faster Him or us". So the first scientist went out and scooped up a big pile of dirt, just then a bolt of lightning struck the ground near the man making him drop the pile of dirt, looking up at God he said "what"! God said, "get your own dirt".
Reasons for car collisions...
1. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran him over.

2. I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.

3. The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

4. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

5. I collided with a stationary truck which was coming the other way.

6. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

7. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

8. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

9. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

10. In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
LOL! Those are good (aren't they the ones Jasper Carrott used to get off of real-life insurance claim forms?)

Now this ain't very PC but it's funny, so here's our first lesson in chinese...

( English phrase followed by Chinese Interpretation )

Are you harboring a fugitive? -- Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P. -- Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man -- Dum Gai
Small Horse -- Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? -- Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table. -- Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift. -- Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here. -- Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? -- Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unpostAuthorIDized execution. -- Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet. -- Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. -- No Pah King
Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? -- Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
You are not very bright. -- Yu So Dum
I got this for free. -- Ai No Pei
I am not guilty. -- Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer. -- Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week. -- Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived. -- Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight. -- Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile. -- Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive. -- Yu stin ki pu
LOL!!! Very Big Grin Smilie

Ok, here I go:

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them: "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro." “Vot do you mean it'z illegal?" asks the German driver. "Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official. "Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile", the Germans retort unbelievingly. "Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry 5 persons." "You can'ta pulla thata one on me!", replies the Italian customs agent. "Quattro meansa four. You hava fivea people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law." The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call yourzupervisor over, I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!” "Sorry", responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come. He'sa busy with a 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.”

Q & A:

Q: Why do they throw with rice at a wedding?
A: Because potatoes can hit really hard.

Q: How come the little rabbit is in bed so early?
A: Because he only has two teeth to brush.

Q: It's running through the woods with a machinegun?
A: Rambi

Q: It's green and it's on a fence?
A: Paint

Q: What does a Duck Smilie say when he hits a wall?
A: Quack.

Q: What's the height of guts?
A: Overtaking a ghost driver.

Q: What would we call a fly if it did not have wings?
A: A walk.

Q: The similarity of a woman's breast and a toy train?
A: It was made for the kids, but the father plays with it.

Q: One chicken goes "TOCK!"
A: Says the other one: "Are you TOCKING to me?"

:P
All good ones Tommy. Ha Ha Ha Smilie

Your auto joke made me think (almost): Nobody rides in a unicycle; however, I think I saw a whole bunch of 'Berenstain Bears' on one, once upon a time. So I suppose 'Thata woulda also be a ill-eagle.' Smile Smilie

I like your accents in the auto joke, which made me wonder: Why don't you write with a B*lgium accent? Tongue Smilie Or does that only show up when you are writing in Nederlanderease. Big Smile Smilie
For one, there is no such thing as a BELGIUM accent. There might be a Flemish accent or a French accent. Tongue Smilie

And Grondy, when Flemish people speak a foreign language it's hard to notice any accent (ahumm). Cool Smilie
We can even imitate other accents. Ha Ha Ha Smilie
I've finally found something you Belgians do quite well, Arthouse movies. I just saw Man Bites Dog (finally, I've been wanting to see it for years) and it's fantastic, and Belgian, no way!
Oh yeah better tell this joke...
President Bush and his top aide are having dinner in a british restauraunt. The waitress comes over to them and asks Bush what he wants, to her amazement he turns to her and says, "I don't suppose I could get a quicky could I?"
She is disgusted and affronted by this and storms off to find some way of complaining about this harrasment.
So Bush's aide turns to him and says "Sir, I believe it's pronounced Quiche"
Yeah, our president (He for whom I didn't vote) the product of Yale, often chooses the wrong words, making him appear very gouch, er goshe, er gouche, okay then, a crude rustic. Big Smile Smilie

(gauche) Tongue Smilie
Hmph. Just goes to show that "legacies" (ie- people who get into good schools because their families have always done so) don't have to be brilliant. Or even passably smart. Or even fluent in their native languages...
ROFL! Good one Plastic! Very Big Grin Smilie
You've seen Man Bites Dog? It's really good innit? Ha Ha Ha Smilie

Just to show how good we Belgians can imitate accents, here's another one for you: ( :P )

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work." The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you here today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work.You should try that." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say. I feel really great. I be at work soon. You got nice house, Boss."
  << [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11] [12] [13] [14] [15] [16] [17] >>