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God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and
green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Satan created the Fast food joints. And the Fast food joints brought forth the double-cheeseburger.
Satan said to Man, "You want chips with that?" And Man said, "Large packet please."
Man gained kilograms.
God created the healthful yoghurt, that Woman might keep her figure that Man found so fair.
Satan froze the yoghurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly coloured sprinkle to put on top. And Woman gained kilograms.
God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese. There was ice-cream for dessert.
Woman gained kilograms.
God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
Satan brought forth spare ribs, so big they filled the plate.
Man gained kilograms, and his bad cholestrol went through the roof.
God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those kilograms.
Satan brought forth DSTV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels. And Man gained kilograms.
God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."
God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in fat.
Satan created sour cream dip also.
Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholestrol dips. And Satan saw and said, "It is good".
Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Satan created the N.H.S..

Plus a joke from my South African friend Kehumile.

Did you hear about the person who got fined 1,000 Rand by the TV licence inspector for not having a TV license. Then there was this other guy who got out on bail for 500 Rand after being arrested for murder! Moral of the
story: If you do not have a TV licence, and the inspector comes round, KILL him! You can save 500 Rand! Big Laugh Smilie

Ah...the good ole days !
According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were
kids in the 50's, 60's, 70's and early 80's probably shouldn't have
survived, because...
Our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint
which was promptly chewed and licked.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or
cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.
When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip flops and
fluorescent 'clackers' on our wheels.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags
-riding in the passenger seat was a treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle and it
tasted the same.
We ate dripping sandwiches, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy
pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were
always outside playing.
We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and
no-one actually died from this.
We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top
speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After
running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the
problem.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we
were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us all day and
no one minded.
We did not have Playstations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99
channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile
phones, no personal computers, no Internet chat rooms. We had friends
- we went outside and found them.
We played elastics and street rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt. We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there
were no lawsuits. They were accidents. We learnt not to do the same
thing again.
We had fights, punched each other hard and got black and blue we
Learned to get over it.
We walked to friend's homes.
We also, believe it or not, WALKED to school, we didn't rely on mummy
or daddy to drive us to school, which was just round the corner. We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate live stuff, and
although we were told it would happen, we did not have very many eyes
out, nor did the live stuff live inside us forever.
We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood. Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law. Imagine that!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem
solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion
of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and
responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
And you're one of them. Congratulations!
Pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as real kids,
before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good.
For those of you who aren't old enough, thought you might like to read
about us.
What a brilliant company, what's the share price?
How true! Big Laugh Smilie
Oh dear, that's the best one yet, I must remember. I was still laughing five minutes after I read it. Big Laugh Smilie Big Laugh Smilie

(For that person out there who doesn't get the joke, a Porsche is an expensive German sports car.)
LOL Big Laugh Smilie
here is one too:

Only in New Jersey!

An American, from New Jersey, a Mexican and an
Iraqi are in a bar one night having a beer.

Quote:
BODY OF JOKE REMOVED FOR BEING HOSTILE TO THE BROTHERHOOD OF MAN.


not a very nice one, is it. Tongue Smilie

Moderator Smilie It didn't stay up long either, did it.

Sorry dumb blond jokes are as close to ethnic jokes as you can get at P-T, because the blonds that get the jokes know they are much smarter than your average dumb blond, while those that don't also think they are.

How's that for stereotyping?

Grondy Moderator Smilie



[Edited on 28/6/2003 by Grondmaster]
An elderly woman goes to the doctor.
She goes: "Doctor, I can't keep my legs apart."
Doctor replies: "Then you'll have to give them a number."
Not really a joke but worth a try, this will only work in 2003!

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have dinner out. (try for more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold)

3. Add 5. (for Sunday)

4. Multiply it by 50 - I'll wait while you get the calculator, you numb skulls................

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1753.... If you haven't, add 1752..........

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
You should have a three digit number.
The first digit of this was your original number i.e. how many times you want to have eat out each week.
The next two numbers are...
YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it IS!!!!!)
Nice one Ross, worked for me too! Orc Grinning Smilie
such an unfortunate name!
http://www.novell.com/training/cde/features/randy.html
NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!! ALL ARE WELCOME!

Evening classes for men. Starting this month!
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each.

Topic 1. How to fill ice-cube trays. Step by step with slide presentation.

Topic 2. Lavatory paper rolls: do they grow on the holders? Round-table discussion.

Topic 3: Differences between the laundry basket and the floor. Pictures and explanatory graphics.

Topic 4. The after-dinner dishes and silverware: can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink? Examples on video.

Topic 5. Loss of identity: losing the remote to your significant other. Helpline and support groups.

Topic 6. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open forum.

Topic 7. Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. Graphics and audio tape.

Topic 8. Real men ask for directions when lost. Real-life testimonials.

Topic 9. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation.

Topic 10. Learning to live: basic differences between mother and wife. Online class and role playing.

Topic 11. How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

Topic 12. How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CLASSES FOR WOMEN
Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking (hahahahahahaha)
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

Elf With a Big Grin Smilie
Check out this alphanumeric math game !!!

This is creepy!


Think of a letter between A and W.

Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.

Keep going . . . Don't stop . . ..


Think of an animal that begins with that letter.


Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.


Think of either a man's/woman's name that begins with the last letter in the animals name


Almost there........


Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down.


Take the hand you counted with and hold it out in front of you at face level.


Look at your palm very closely and notice the lines in your hand.


Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the persons name?




Of course not.......

Now smack yourself in the head, get a life, and quit playing these goofy games! Elf Sticking Tounge Out Smilie


This came in an email yesterday. Elf With a Big Grin Smilie
For those of you not familiar with the Darwin awards, they are awarded annually for the most extreme acts of (occasionally terminal) stupidity - they are now in for 2003:

First Place - The 2003 Darwin Award Winner:
When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....

And now, the honorable mentions:

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride.
He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?)

A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A F**K-UP!"

For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard
completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a f**k-up!"

Seems this Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck.
Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home..........the chain still attached to the machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. They were quickly arrested.

A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.
The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it
was the best laugh he'd ever had.
I love bad bumper sticker's, good one Ringy. But you missed my favourites;

Where's the beef (Homer's favourite)

How my driving? Call 0800 EAT S***

Don't steal! The goverment don't like competion.
René Descartes walked into a pub. The barkeeper asked him if he wanted a beer. René said "I think not" and disappeared. Wiggle Smilie
Quote:
René Descartes walked into a pub. The barkeeper asked him if he wanted a beer. René said "I think not" and disappeared.
ROFL Big Laugh Smilie
For all you lexiophiles (this takes a little time and a willingness to laugh.)

01. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
02. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
03. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
04. A backward poet writes inverse.
05. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism mit's your count that votes.
06. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
07. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
08. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
09. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
11. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia : the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

No trees were killed in the sending of this postBody; however a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced. Elf With a Big Grin Smilie
On the first day, God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed (sigh).

On the third day, God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."

The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years" No way, man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

A string walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve strings here." He crumples him up and tosses him out onto the sidewalk where he gets all scraped up and tangled. The string walks right back in and orders a drink. Amazed, the bartender asks, "Hey, aren't you that same string I just threw out?" The string answers, "No, I'm a frayed knot!"

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!"

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed; is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A f sh.
A teacher wrote following on the blackboard:
Women without men are nothing.
He asked the students to add commas.
The boys wrote:
Women, without men, are nothing
The girls wrote:
Women, without, men are nothing
Subject: My Resume´

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...couldn`t concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a limberjack, but I just couldn`t hack it, so they gave me the ax.

Ater that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn`t suited for it, mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

Next I tried to be a chef, I figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn`t have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn`t cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn`t noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn`t have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory I tried, but I just didn`t fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn`t live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintence company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn`t fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian, but there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.

SO I RETIRED AND FOUND I AM PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

[Edited on 11/8/2003 by Grondmaster]
3 men standing in front of God

God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful you were to your wives on Earth.
Man 1: Please God, I can't count how many times I cheated on my wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I had to have them all.

God: I am ashamed of you, my man, For that, I give you a run-down truck that barely moves.

Man 2: Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once, just once! We were going through problems and I took the wrong turn. Please forgive me!

God: My man, I am ashmed of you too. But I will be kinder to you. For that, I give you a convertible BMW.

Man 3: Dear God, you will be so proud of me. I loved and worshipped my wife. I brought her roses everyday after work, I brought her gifts every aniversary, and we went travelling, and had dinner out 3 times a week, and...

God: Okay, my man, enough! I get the point. I am very proud of you! For that, I give you any car you desire!

Two weeks later Man 1 and 2 are driving on the freeway when they see Man 3 ahead of them, stopped in the middle of the road in his Black Jaguar.

Man 1 and 2: Hey Man! Why are you sitting in your car and crying your eyes out? You're acting like some ungrateful bugger! Look at your car, man! What is your problem?!

Man 3: "I just saw my wife on rollerskates!"


A Woman's Plan

A woman and a man got into a really bad car accident. Both cars are totaled, but luckily no one was hurt.
After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, "Wow, just look at our cars! They are destroyed. Fortunately, we aren't hurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God! "

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle.... My car is completely ruined but this bottle of wine didn't break. It's a sign that God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she handed the bottle to the man. The man agreed, opened the bottle and drank half, and then handed it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.

The man asked, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replied, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police"


Cat Hating Husband

A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.
The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.

He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.

Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Jen is the cat there?" "Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife. Frustrated the man said, "Put that cat on the phone, I am lost and I need directions."


One day, a blonde left work early to go home ...

One day, a blonde left work early to go home and suprise her husband with a big dinner. When she got home she saw her husband's car in the drive way and thought "Aw, shoot there goes my suprise."
When she got inside, she heard something coming from her bedroom. She looked in and saw her husband in bed with her sister.

She ran out of her house and went to a sporting goods store. After buying a gun she went home and ran into her backyard. She pulled out her gun put it to her head and let out a shrill scream.

Her husband ran outside and saw his wife with the gun and said, "Honey, please don't do it!"

The blonde screamed, "Shut up buzzard, you're next!"




[Edited on 13/8/2003 by Grondmaster]
Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."

So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"

He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."
One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp, but the genie was angry that the man had kicked his lamp.

Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your mother-in-law."

"Ok, I wish for $100 million" ¤poof!¤ the man was $100 million richer, but his mother-in-law was now $200 million richer.

For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lambergini, Ferrari and a Porsche appeared, but at the same time outside his mother-in-law's house appeared two of each car.

Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully", and so the man sat and thought and thought, and finally replied... "I want you to beat me half to death..."
These are real comments made by teachers on their student report cards.

1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead
http://www.fastfunpages.com/03/05/fsquirrel/

Hehe, not really a joke, but funny... Now who does this remind you of... Wink Smilie Ha Ha Ha Smilie
Ross, or Grondy perhaps....
I heard these on 'Car Talk' this morning, so I copied them from their Webpage.
Quote:
She was So Blonde…
Thought you might enjoy this. Poor blondes! They don't get no respect!

SHE WAS SO BLONDE…

… she thought a quarterback was a refund
… she thought General Motors was in the army
… she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats
… at the bottom where it said "sign here" she wrote Libra

SHE WAS SOO BLONDE…
… she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
… she sent a fax with a stamp on it
… she thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish holiday
… under "education" she put "Hooked on Phonics"

SHE WAS SOOO BLONDE…
… she tripped over a cordless phone
… she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate"
… she told me to meet her at the corner of "walk" and "don't walk"
… she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store

SHE WAS SOOOO BLONDE…
… she tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order
… she studied for a blood test
… she sold her car for gas money
… when the sign said "AIRPORT LEFT" she turned around and went home

SHE WAS SOOOOO BLONDE…
… when she heard that 90% of crimes occurred near home, she moved
… she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company
… she thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless
… she thought she could not use her AM radio in the evening

I know all you blondes out there reading this aren't dumb and don't fit the dumb blonde stereotype, because if you were and did, you wouldn't be frequenting Planet-Tolkien.com. Happy Elf Smilie
Hehe, that's funny Grondy! Blondes get no respect whatsoever! (Glad I have brown hair) Wink Smilie Big Smile Smilie
One day three guys were out walking, and they found a lamp. So, they rubbed the lamp and a genie poped out. He says "I'll grant you each one wish."
These guys weren't so bright, so they all wanted to be smarter. The first guy says "I wish I was 10 times smarter." The genie says "POOF! You're 10 times smarter."
The second guy says "I wish to to be 100 times smarter." and the genie says "POOF! You're 100 times smarter."
The last guy says "I wish to be 1000 times smarter" And the genie says "POOF!! You're a woman!!" Big Laugh Smilie
Roflmao Andrea! I loved that one!! Big Smile Smilie
Quote:
One day three guys were out walking, and they found a lamp. So, they rubbed the lamp and a genie popped out. He says "I'll grant you each one wish."
These guys weren't so bright, so they all wanted to be smarter. The first guy says "I wish I was 10 times smarter." The genie says "POOF! You're 10 times smarter."
The second guy says "I wish to to be 100 times smarter." and the genie says "POOF! You're 100 times smarter."
The last guy says "I wish to be 1000 times smarter" And the genie says "POOF!! You're a woman!!"
And on the other side:

3 women were stranded on a desert island. They didn't know what to do, so they sat down in despair until they got hungry and decided to search for food. On this search they come across an old lamp. One of them picked it up and spontaneously started to polish it, as women do. As soon as she started rubbing it a genie came out and said 'I am at your command. I will grant you each one wish.'
'OK,' said the first woman, 'I wish to be 100 times smarter.'
'As you wish, so it will be,' replied the genie. The woman the went off and built a boat out of trees, and sailed safely home.
'I wish to be 10000 times smarter,' demanded the second woman.
'As you wish, so shall it be.' The woman then used her fantastic mental power to teleport herself home.
Then the third woman stepped up: 'I wish to be 10000000 times smarter.'
'As you wish, so shall it be,' said the genie, and she turned into a man and walked over the bridge to safety.
ROTFLMAOUIPMP!!!

The women in Peredhil's last joke just had to blondes, or else it was a made up story. Elf With a Big Grin Smilie
Big Laugh Smilie Good one Peredhil!
Good one Nat! Big Laugh Smilie
Ungoliant sent this to Tommie and me:
Quote:
Subject: Dam Funny!

You gotta love the Government! This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter.

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unpostAuthorIDized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unpostAuthorIDized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outletstream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2003. Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unpostAuthorIDized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price, District Representative Land and Water Management Division
____________________________________________________________

** Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries: **
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, postAuthorIDize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unpostAuthorIDized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams). So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2003? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be prosecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU.
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS


Big Laugh Smilie Wher does Golly find this class.
I sent this to a friend who thinks drinking is wrong just because it can be bad for ya.Im not so sure if its funny to most people but I got a kick outta it.
-A Case for More Beer-
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
Quote:
Subject: Dam Funny! ...

Hehe that was funny Grondy!
ROFL at LadyF's ones too! Big Laugh Smilie
Four Groaners

Quote:
Evidence has been found that William Tell and family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were destroyed in a fire and we'll never know for whom the Tells Bowled.

An anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the help of the tribal medicine man who pointed out that the fronds of a certain fern were a sure cure for constipation. When the anthropologist expressed doubts, the shaman looked him in the eye and said, "With fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

Back in the 1800s, the Tates Watch Co. of Mass. wanted to produce other products. They chose to produce compasses for the pioneers traveling west. Their watches had been excellent, but the compasses were so unreliable that people often ended up in Mexico or Canada. Thus the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost."

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the bathroom fixtures. A spokesman was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
Elf With a Big Grin Smilie
How true, you missed out who knows how to cook like their mother though! Tongue Smilie
Now that is sterotyping. Elf With a Big Grin Smilie
I'm not sure if this will get past the Grond-o-meter.

Little Johnny's Time of the Month

Little Johnny walks into a pharmacy and brings a box of tampons to the register.
The cashier looks at the boy and says, "Hi. Are these for your mom?"

Little Johnny thinks for a moment and says, "Umm, no."

The cashier says, "Oh. Then they're for your sister?"

Little Johnny says, "uh-unh."

The cashier, now a bit curious, says, "Oh. Then they must be for your granny!"

Little Johnny says, "Nope."

The cashier is now really confused. Finally she asks, "Well, what are you going to do with them?"

Little Johnny says, "Well, I'm not sure yet. But on TV, they said if I buy these I can go fishing and swimming and horseback riding!"

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to
become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the
whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly
emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain
and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error postBodys.
Lol funny funny funny Ringy and virumor! So true too!
Big Laugh Smilie
Ross that was funny too! Big Smile Smilie Tongue Smilie
Well Ross, your joke registered quite high on the Grond-o-meter; however, as I've seen those commercials on daytime TV, I'll moderate my personal feelings and unless someone complains, let it stand. Elf Winking Smilie
Thanks Grondy Big Smile Smilie

How true Virumor. Big Laugh Smilie

New Rules For Employment

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, Relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:

Item Amount Gross pay £1,222.02 Income tax £244.40 Outgo tax £45.21 State tax £11.61 Interstate tax £61.10 County tax £6.11 City tax £12.22 Rural tax £4.44 Back tax£1.11 Front tax £1.16 Side tax £1.61 Up tax £1.08 Down tax £1.14 Tic-Tacs £1.98 Thumbtacks £3.93 Carpet tacks £0.98 Stadium tax £0.69 Flat tax £8.32 Surtax £2.23 Ma'am tax £1.23 Corporate tax £2.60 Parking fee £5.00 F.I.C.A. £81.88 T.G.I.F. Fund £9.95 Life insurance £5.85 Health insurance £16.23 Dental insurance £4.50 Mental insurance £4.33 Disability £2.50 Ability £0.25 Liability £3.41 Coffee £6.85 Coffee Cups £66.51 Floor rental £16.85 Chair rental £0.32 Desk rental £4.32 Union dues £5.85 Union donations £3.77 Cash advance £0.69 Cash retreats £121.35 Overtime £1.26 Undertime £54.83 Grenwich Mean time £9.00 Central time £8.00 Mountain time £7.00 Pacific time £6.00 Time Out £12.21 Oxygen £10.02 Water £16.54 Heat £51.42 Cool air £26.83 Hot air £20.00 Miscellaneous £113.29 Various £8.01 Sundry £12.09 ------- Net Take Home Pay $0.02

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

The Management
Where's the joke? That's the notice that caused me to retire ten years ago.Sad Smilie


Elf With a Big Grin Smilie
Mariah Carey's quote:
Mariah Carey was one of the first celebrities to comment on the death of the King of Jordan. Mariah told CNN "I'm inconsolable at the present time, I was a very good friend of Jordan, he was probably the greatest basketball player this country has ever seen, we will never see his like again".

When told by reporters that it was King Hussein of Jordan who had died and not Michael Jordan, Mariah was then led away by her security in a state of "confusion".
---
She's just too much! Big Laugh Smilie
Elf With a Big Grin Smilie Elf Sticking Tounge Out Smilie Elf With a Big Grin Smilie
Lol LadyF! And poor Aire looks like her!
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