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Bottom of Page    Message Board > The Prancing Pony > Jokes!   << [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11] [12] [13] [14] [15] [16] [17] >>
WHAT? DO NOT!!!
Aire looks now't like Mariah Carrey, for one thing Aire is pretty!
Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way... 'Take a clean dish and..........."
Hang on a minute I'm a bachelor and.. Oh yes, you have a point! Wink Smilie
a man walked into a bar and said ouch Big Laugh Smilie Big Laugh Smilie Big Laugh Smilie
Wanna know why the kid ate his homework?
His teacher said it was a "peice of cake"
This was in a email I received:

Quote:
What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage, along with a recipe.

What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."
This is supposed to be a true story. I wont vouch for that, but who knows, it could happen. Wink Smilie
Directly translated from a Norwegian Fishery-newspaper; sorry for the bad language..

"I was on a flight from San Francisco to Los Angeles. We took of with a 45 min delay, and everyone was rather annoyed. Unexpectedly we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight-attendent explained that there would be another 45 min delay, and that if we wanted to we could leave the plane for 30 min to strech our legs. Everyone left the airplane, exept for a blind gentleman. I had noticed him when I went past him earlier, and could see that he had flown before, as his dog was lying calm and quiet under the seat in front of him during the whole flight. I also noticed the man had flown the exact same trip before, as the pilot went up to him and said his name: "Keith, we are staying in Sacramento for almost an hour, would you like to strech your legs a bit?" Keith answered: "No, thank you. But perhaps the dog could do with a walk?"

Imagine the scene: All the people by the gate suddenly got very quiet as they looked up and saw the pilot leave the plane with a guide dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. They tried not only to change the tickets, but also to change the airline!" Super Scared Smilie
What do you call a girl leaning on a pole?

oops

[Edited on 25/9/2003 by Delidia]
What do you call a Nun with a washing machine on her head?
Sister-matic

What do you call a man with no arms and legs in the sea?
Bob

What do you call a man under a pile of leaves?
Russel

What do you call a man with a shovel on his head?
Doug

Many more ready all as equally bad.
Mary had a little lamb her father shot it dead,and now Mary takes her lamb to school between two hunks of bread..
(courtesy of my brother Excelsior)
Lol Ross, what do you call a man with no arms, no legs sitting at your door?
Matt
Quote:
Imagine the scene: All the people by the gate suddenly got very quiet as they looked up and saw the pilot leave the plane with a guide dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. They tried not only to change the tickets, but also to change the airline!"
Big Laugh Smilie Oh to have seen their faces!! Ha Ha Ha Smilie
Quote:
... They tried not only to change the tickets, but also to change the airline!"
I don't know why they were so worried, after all, the dog was a registered Airdale and his commercial pilots licence was up to date.
Quote:
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

That's really neat!
Lol at the Cinderella joke! Big Laugh Smilie Big Laugh Smilie
From an e-mail i got. I think I have seen a similar one but from a mans piont of view.

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0
and noticed a slowdown in over-all performance,
particularly in the flower and jewelry application
that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other
valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal
Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs
such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. And now Conversation 1.5
no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes
the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems
but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

(And the reply...)

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind; Boyfriend 5.0 is an
Entertainment package while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try entering the command C:\I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME
and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works
as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically
run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to
Default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a
very bad program that will create Snoringloudly.wav files. Whatever you do,
DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it
does have a limited memory and cannot learn new
applications quickly. You might consider additional
software to improve memory and performance. I
personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.

Good Luck,
Tech Support
The Spell Checker Blews

Eye halve a spelling checker
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marquees four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My checker tolled me sew.

Author Unknown (Grondy made up the title)
Read this exciting behind-the-scenes documentary of the making of Peter Johnson's adaptation of the Lord of the Rings, with never-before-seen extras such as the Bluish-Black Tower, Sauron's wife Shauron, a Fell Beast not yet housetrained, and more! Big Laugh Smilie
[url=http://www.jimcalagon.supanet.com/rpt46.htm] lol

Moderator Smilie WARNING the above link contains many asterisked occurrences of the forbidden words. Still it is funny if you can ignore the juvenile swearing. - Grondy

[Edited on 5/10/2003 by Grondmaster]
Another Blonde joke:

This blonde was so smart she said she could name the capitols of all the states in the USA.

'Okay,' said her friend, 'what's the capitol of California?'

'C', said she.
HAHA! Poor lil boy!! I fu like more nasty jokes, go here:

Moderator Smilie You may post your jokes here if they are clean; you may not post links to the dirty ones on P-T! Moderator Smilie

[Edited on 16/10/2003 by Grondmaster]
OOPS!!! OMG!!! i read the wrong joke!! LOL!!! I thought that when it brought me here it brought me to page 1 but it brought me to like pg 4! Oh well, the oke was funny!
Calm down Asteroth, it's just a joke. Blonde women don't really put tippex on the monitor screen, At least I think not! Wink Smilie
Asteroth I don't really care.Like Ross said it's just a joke and nothing more. Happy Elf Smilie
Quote:
Blonde women don't really put tippex on the monitor screen, ...
For the rest of my fellow colonists, "tippex" is another brand name similar to "wite out" or "liquid paper" typing correction fluid.
I don't know if any of you have got this from emails, but I though the "Bugging You" song is pretty funny Big Smile Smilie

Here's the link:
http://img.tapuz.co.il/forums/8572800.swf

I don't know if the moderators will allow this...

Sorry, Acorma. A bit too close to the knuckle. Shaking Head Smilie

[Edited on 27/10/2003 by Valedhelgwath]
Ringy,did you make those all up?
Wayhey I'm a OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER.

On this subject Ross' patent pending Lift fart cover up techniques.

1. pretend you have a cold and just smile at people if they look at you.

2. shift the blame look funny at either the weirdest (after yourself), smallest, oldest (they eat cabbage) or fattest (they just eat any thing) person in the lift and tut under your breath throwing in the occasional dirth b*****d.

3. my personal favourite shout in a darts commentator sort of way 180 and ask if anyone in the lift can beat it.

All of these will avoid the embaresment of people either thinking it's you or leave people to busy trying to escape the lift as they think they're trapped in with a mental patient.
Okay I haven't got a joke, but if some one tells a lame joke and you don't get it, but still feel you ought to laugh, click here for a good substitute. Elf With a Big Grin Smilie

Use your browser's back arrow to return to this page.


( This worked fine with the Internet Explorer browser, buy I received no sound when I tried the above link with the Mozillza Firebird Browser. I may just need an audio plug in for Mozilla.)
After a rather trying day (waiting to hear some news on a family member in hospital) I had been bombarded by the same telelmaketer all day. And while in the chatroom talking with a few peeps one of them made up his own response to say to annoying telelmaketers. No offense to people here who happen to be telelmarketers, but after a while receiving calls for useless stuff when there are more important calls that are trying to get through.

***********************************

Telemarketing 101

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, are they married?, kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company..." You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.

6. Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?

9. After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realise it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh my God!!!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her HOME phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their HOME numbers you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me, either!" Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I will listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder...louder...

20. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
Nice one, Ainamenelwen. Big Smile Smilie

I can't wait to try a few of those out.
I've done number 4 a couple of times before.
daily chuckle

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened
A four year old girl surprised her father in the bathroom as he was about to enter the shower. She turned and ran out again, yelling: "Mommy, mommy! Did you know daddy is a man?!" Wink Smilie
Cats and Dogs

Excerpts from a Dog's diary

Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!


Excerpts from a Cat's diary

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odour of the glass tubes they call "beer.." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
Here are some silly ones that make me chuckle:

Q: What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A: A cloud.

Q: What do you call a fly with no wings or legs?
A: A raisin.

Q: What do you call a donkey with 3 legs?
A: A wonkey.

Q: What do you call a donkey with 3 legs and 1 eye?
A: A winky wonkey.

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No idea.

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A: Still no idea.

Q: What is green and lies 50 feet in the air?
A: A dead caterpillar.

Finally one that my 5 year old nephew told me last week:

Q: Why is Tigger always dirty?
A: Because he keeps playing with Pooh. Tigger Smilie

Should I be more worried that I'm on the same mental level as a 5 year old? Tongue Smilie
Quote:
Should I be more worried that I'm on the same mental level as a 5 year old?Tongue Smilie
Naw, I just chalk that symptom up as one of the side-benefits of undergoing my second childhood. Elf With a Big Grin Smilie
These are mostly old and may have showed up here before, However:
Quote:
20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses On And Point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask "You Want Fries With That?"

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5 . Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For S*xual Favors"

7. Finish All Your Sentences With "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Dont Use Any Punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Ask People What S*x They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme.

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Hard.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

...And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity...

20. Paste These On Your Refrigerator Door And Read Them Through Prior To Each Opening.

...Smile...Its Called Therapy...?
You know you're Canadian when......

Almost everything is spelled "wrong". Such as Colour instead of color, neighbours instead of neighbors, etc.
Contests run by anyone other than the government have "skill-testing questions" that winners must answer correctly before they can claim a prize.
Everything is labelled in English and French.
Everything is measured in metric (no the temp. doesn't drop at the border nor does the speed limit double)
It's pronounced zed not zee, roof not ruff, ketchup not catsup etc.
Milk comes in plastic bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
Mountain Dew has no caffeine.
People actually take vacations in Cuba and Cuban cigars are readily available.
People end a lot of their sentences with eh?
People give distances in time not miles.
Red ribbons indicate 1st place while blue ribbons indicate 2nd place.
Teenagers can legally drink. 18 in Alberta, Quebec, and Manitoba. 19 for the rest.
The beer is stronger and the cigarettes weaker.
The big banks are TD Canada Trust, CIBC, Royal, Scotia, Bank of Montreal, National Bank of Canada and Hong Kong Bank of Canada.
The biggest department stores are The Bay, Sears, Zellers and WalMart.

I'm liking these jokes. Let me try one...

Question: What did the Dyslexic, Agnostic, Insomniac do?

Answer: Stayed up all night wondering if there really is a Dog.
Good one Lordstark. Elk Grinning Smilie
I liked it too, that's my kind of joke. By the way, was that the same dyslexic who sold his soul to santa? Very Big Grin Smilie
20 Reasons why a Woman Should Call it a Night................


1. You have absolutely no idea where your bag is.

2. You truly believe that dancing with your arms overhead and wiggling your bottom while yelling WOO-HOO is truly the sexiest dance move around.

3. You've suddenly decided that you want to kick someone's @ss and honestly believe that you could do it too.

4. In your last trip to "pee" you realise you now look more like Lily Savage than the goddess you were just four hours ago.

5. You drop your 3:00 a.m. kebab on the floor (which you're eating even though you're not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.

6. You start crying and telling everyone you see that you love them sooooo much.

7. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.

8. You've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to you.

9. The man you're flirting with used to be your biology teacher.

10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.

11. Your eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so you decide to keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.

12. You seem to think that its a really good idea to get your mates to push you down the street in a shopping trolley.

13. You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just lemonade, but that's just because you can no longer taste the vodka.

14. You think you're in bed, but the pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.

15. You start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take this the WRONG WAY but..."

16. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.

17. Your hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.

18. You're soooo tired you just sit on the floor (wherever you happen to be standing) and take a quick nap.

19. You begin leaving the buttons open on your button fly pants to cut down on the time you're in the bathroom away from your drink.

20. You take your shoes off because you really believe it's their fault that you're having problems walking straight.

Some new words that I found in my dictionary:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone: (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Cashtration: (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very, high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is, like, sending off all these really bad vibes, right? and then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a totally serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit: (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug: (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor: (n.) The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a*!hole.
So, here's my first... Hope you'll enjoy it!

A cop was walking on a street. Looking across the street, he sees a monk, all dressed in black, reading from a Bible and praying. Checking all around, the cop starts following the monk, trying his best not to be noticed. At one turn, the monk goes on a dark alley; the cop closes up behind him and, with no warning, hits him in the head, then starts beating him up. After a while, when people gather up, yet do not dare to interfere, the cop, tired, whipes out the sweat from his brow and, with a very satisfied look, says to the uncounscious and almost dead monk:
“Huh... what did you think, ninja, that life is a movie?!?”
speaking of monks, the nuns were working to completely refurbish the huge library in the abbey. the nuns were working on repainting the walls and sanding and restaining bookshelves. it was in the middle of the dog days of summer, and it wasn't long before the library became stifling hot. the cloor-to-ceiling windows were all opened in the hopes that the breeze would cool off the hard-working nuns. the open windows did not help. the nuns began thinking, trying to come up with a way to stay cool in the midst of the unbearable heat. finally, sister mary frances had had enough. this is an abbey isn't it?, she asked aloud, there aren't any men here of course. well yes replied sister mary thomas. so why don't we just take off our clothes? it's not like anyone will see us, sister mary frances reasoned. although shocked by the suggestion, the rest of the nuns eventually agreed to sister mary frances's plan. before long, they were al back at work, much cooled by the absence of their heavy clothing. soon after, there was a knock at the door. the nuns looked worriedly at each other. who is it? called sister mary thomas in a quavering voice. it's the blind man, came the reply, may i come in? there was a period of whispered debate- in the end, seeing how the man was blind, the nuns saw no harm in letting him in. you may come in, said sister mary thomas. the blind man entered the library, took a good long look around, and said, now where exactly do you want these blinds installed?
is that considered non-family friendly? ^
*please note* i love lots of males, they are a whole lot of fun. but these jokes are for females, especially ones who dearly care about sometimes-stupid men.

MEN JOKES!

He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery
money I gave you? She said . . ... Turn sideways and look in the
mirror!
*
On a wall in a ladies room . . ."My husband follows me
everywhere" Written just below it . . .." I do not"
*
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.
*
Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.
*
Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
*
Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.
*
Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and
good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.
*
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is
every night?
A widow
*
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to
bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the
fridge.
*
Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in
common?
A. They're married.
*
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."

But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

*
Oh, that's bad. I shouldn't post this....

Moderator Smilie Yes, you shouldn't!!
Quote:
Corporate Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps her self up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £500 to drop that towel that you have on". After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £500 and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the £500 he owes me?"



Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Quote:
Corporate Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk.

"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. In astonishment,

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pena Coladas and the love of my life." Poof!

He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."



Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.


Quote:
Corporate Lesson 4

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.



Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Quote:
Corporate Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the strength.

"Well,why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

After a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.



Moral of the story:=20

Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.



Quote:
Corporate Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realise how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.


Moral of the story:

1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.

2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.

3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
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