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Tres bien!!! *long and loud Applause*

How true.. i work in an office, and i feel every moral of each tale like its one cut of a thousand, 'cept i'm laughing me ass off (lmao)!!! Wiggle Smilie

Uhm as an aside, i have a mithril problem, in that i donthave much left and have only PM'd twice, how often do you get it, and how do you get it... Sorry if this isnt the appropriate place to ask, but i'm down to my last 5 *sobs*!?!!?! Sad Smilie
If you log in once a day, you get 20 methril, and if it doesn't work the first time, try, try again.
You probably miss out on mithril at the weekends because you don't log in.

how far can i go across the line of bad taste, most of my jokes are not even funny, they just make you throw up....every time you think about them.... ok just one... but i know it'll get moderated straight away.....

how do you know when your sister's on her period......
.......no i cant, that one's just tooooooo wrong! Shocked Smilie

something a bit more tame....

why did the cat fall out of the tree?
.....cos it was dead.

ps, tarrant they made me Big Laugh Smilie
oh, i gotta nuther one......
yeah i know everyone's heard it but i'll do it anyway

a guy's driving down the motorway when he gets a call from his wife on his mobile......she says
"be careful, they just showed this maniac on the news, driving down the wrong side of the road",
he replies,
"you dont need to tell me, there's thousands of the idiots".
HAAHAAHAA! That must be an inglish joke, because A) we don't have moterways and B) Trans-continental road rules are wierd.

Three bank robbers are running from some cops on a train. One redhead, one brunette, and one blonde. They each jump into a sack of potatos to hide out. The cops are in hot persuit. They kick the bags as they pass. The redhead first. "Bark, Bark!" they assume it's a dog. The brunette next."Meow, Meow!" they assume it's a cat. They kick the blonde. "Potatoes!"
A man walks into a bar. He stands on the counter and asked the bartender if he had any duck soup. The bartender said he didn't and hicked the guy out. The next day the guy comes back, stands on the counter and askes if they have duck soup. The bartender sias that if he comes back he'll nail his feet to the counter. The next day the guy comes back and askes if they have any nails. When the bartender says they don't, he jumps right back onto the counter and asks if they have any duck soup.
I have the greatest one. Listen up, it's real long.

There was a man driving to Waterworld in Te Rapa in New Zealand. He lived in Raglan, and it was a long drive. His car broke down at Hamilton monastery. The monks said they would fix his car if he would stay the night. He did, and in the middle of the night he heard a noise like mithril clinking together handled by a dwarf. So in the morning he asked what the noise like mithril clinking together handled by a dwarf was. And the monks said they couldn't tell him because he wasn't a monk. So he went on his holiday. He got real wrinkled in the pool and a kid splashed him from the diving board on the way to the hydroslides, but it was real cool, even though there are no spas at Waterworld. And on the way back, he was feeling rather content. Then his car broke down right outside Hamilton monastery. The monks said they would fix his car if he would stay the night. He did, and in the middle of the night he heard a noise like mithril clinking together handled by a dwarf. So in the morning he asked what the noise like mithril clinking together handled by a dwarf was. And the monks said they couldn't tell him becuase he wasn't a monk. And over that year that really bothered him. He kept wondering what was making the noise like mithril clinking together handled by a dwarf. He just couldn't put his finger on it. So what he did was, he went to the monastery again, and his car broke down right in front of it again, and the monks looked at him as if to say: "Not again! Rolling Eyes Smilie " But they said: "Same deal. Stay the night, and we'll fix your car. So he did. And in the middle of the night he heard a noise like mithril clinking together handled by a dwarf. He couldn't stop himself, and asked them in the morning what was making the sound like mithril clinking together handled bya d warf. The monks said they couldn't tell him, because he wasn't a monk. He asked how he could become a monk. They told him of various tasks, and he scraped through. "Congratulations." they said. "you are now a monk." So the man said; "Now can you show me what was making the sound like mithril clinking together handled by a dwarf?"
"Ah," said the monks. "We'll show you."
And the monks led him to an intricately carved wooden door, which they opened with a wooden key, and they opened the wooden door, and the man closed it behind him. And he saw..... a wooden corridor. The monks led him down it. They came to a bronze door, which they opened with a wooden key, and they opened the wooden door, and th eman closed it behind him. And he saw.... a bronze corridor. THe monks led him down it. THey came to a silver door, which they opened with a silver key, and they opened the wooden door, and the man closed it behind him. And e saw...... a gold door, which they opened with a gold key, and they opened the gold door, and the man closed it behind him. And he saw...... A gold passageway. They walked down the gold passageway and they came to a diamond door, which the monks opened with a diamond key, and they opened the door, and the man saw what had been making the noise. It was the most fantastic sight you ever could see....

And do you want to know what it was?
"Yes, yes," I hear you say.

Dreadful sorry, guys. Can't tell you, you're not a monk.
A new joke thread appeared, I chose to move it here where the fun already is flowing. Wink Smilie

Loni posted Saturday 28th February 2004
Quote:
Right, this forum is for jokes, or whatever. WHen you get bored tell me and chagne the subject.
Alright, this is one I heard yesterday. SIt back, it's quite long.


There was a man who was driving his car to go on holiday. It broke down in front of a monastery. The monks saw and brought him inside. They told him they would fix his car if he would stay the night. He did, but he woke up in the middle of the night to the sound: "TOLKIEN!!! TOLKIEN!!!!" and in the morning he asked the monks what it was. They said they couldn't tell him because he wasn't a monk. So he went on his way the next morning. He had a lovely 3 week holiday, and on the way back, his car brok edown in the front of the very same monastery. THe monks said they would fix his car, but he would have to stay the night. In the middle of the night, he heard the sound: "TOLKIEN! TOLKIEN!" and in the morning he asked the monks what it was. But they said they couldn't tell him because he wasn't a monk. The smae thing happened the next year, and the next, and the next, and the next, and the next, and the next, becuase the car had a tedency to break down in front of that monastery. So in the end, he asked them: "How do I become a monk?" They told him all sorts of requirements, and he passed all of them. So he became a monk. So he asekd them what was making the noise. A monk said he would show the man. So the man followed the monk. They came to a great wooden door, which the monk opened with a wooden key, and closed the wooden door, and they went down a wooden passageway. They came to a steel door, which the monk opened with a steel key, closed the steel door, and they went down a steel passageway. THey came to a bronze door, which the monk opened with a bronze key, they closed the bronze door, and went down a bronze passageway. They came to a silver dookr which the monk opened with a silver key, they closed the silver door, and went down a silver passageway. They came to a gold door, which they opened with a gold key, closed the gold door, and went down the gold passageway. THey came to a diamond door, which they opened with a diamodn key, closed the diamond door, and went down the diamond passageway. And then they came to a mithril door, which the monk opened with a mithril key, and then the man saw the most ownderful sight he had ever seen.............


Crystle caves replyed:

Quote:
And we don't get to know because we're not monks. D*mn! I knew I should have stayed at the monistary!


Gildor inglorion:
Quote:
Well.... you can tell me because l'm a monk to..... so what was inside it? You can trust me.... Tongue Smilie Big Laugh Smilie Wink Smilie


Asteroth said:
Quote:
I think we already have a "Jokes" Topic, in one of the inns.

Also, why is this topic under the "Roleplaying Guilds" section?

Amarie, you didn't have to carry that thread here since Cyrstle caves have re-wrote her joke in this thread. But again, you're the council member Wink Smilie
I'm not sure what you are trying to say Aster my friend.
I moved it becuase we already have a jokes thread, and hiding another one in the Roleplaying Guild is not very practical. Smile Smilie

Yes I am A council member but I am not THE council memeber. Wink Smilie
Ahahaaaa I'm so funny.. not. Well back to class.
Yeah, i'm not saying anything about it. I'm just pointing that the same message is posted in the 65. page of this thread. (The second one from the end) It wouldn't be a problem if you deleted the whole thread in the roleplaying guild.
Ah, you mean Lonis two almost completly identical jokes. Didn't understand what CC had to do with it. Loni rewrote her own joke and posted it in a new thread.
I have said I will delete the thread in the roleplaying guild, I'm just letting Loni get the chance to read that I have moved her post here.
Okkie dokkie boss
Guess the problem's over then

P.S. That was a very lousy joke btw.
ACH... i got your resized pics, many thanks Amarie...

Only problem i have is actually uploading them from the relevant files, Eee Gads i'm such a technophobe!

No fair.
Very Sad Smilie

Dammit, its Impossible, i've tried every contingency... *tearing hair out* followed the instructions as per "help", still wont upload!!!

So Angry Smilie
YES!!! at last i Did IT

Wooooohoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

Badass Isildur putting one up Elrond's proverbial...(like youz lot didnt know, but hey i'm all excited with my new avatar, its the little things!)

Lol, I'm glad you made it Aelric! Looking good! Orc With Thumbs Up Smilie
Now let's get back to the jokes, shall we? Wink Smilie
Woohooo... i made it through the maze of bad jokes and repeats. (actually, alot of them were quite good) it took me about 3 weeks to do so, and many hours of making excuses to be on a jokes site in school, but i made it..... now i have a request to make


does anyone know any math related jokes...

that was kinda one of my excuses, so now i need enough to put togeather as an assignment for math class...

thank you Smile Smilie
Quote:
does anyone know any math related jokes...
I have two. The first is from my real life. The second is a groaner. Animated Wink Smilie

Miss Celia Klotz was the best math teacher I ever had. When I was taking Calculus from her and we caught her in a mistake as she was at the blackboard explaining where we went wrong on a homework problem, she would say, "When I wrote down A, I meant to write down B, while all along it should have been C." Teacher Smilie

Then there was the constipated mathematician who worked everything out with a pencil. Shocked Smilie

Shaking Head Smilie I did warn you it was a groaner. Elf Sticking Tounge Out Smilie


Pretty funny grondy.
HAHAHA Thanks
Two Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift.

He tells them that he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it.

Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave.

The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back with the 20,000 bowling balls, will he take them, so he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way.

By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding.

The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies with sarcasm " Scouse eggs". The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.

He rushes back to his cruiser and gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that he requires so many officers.


"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and they have managed to nick a motorbike already."

I hope youz like that folks, some of it may be lost in translation as its a British joke, dealing with some silly stereotypes, so alter to fit your own... this isnt intended to offend - WE brits tend to be able to laugh at ourselves, in spite of all the PoliticallyCorrect Nonsense!

Very Mad Smilie Lighening Smilie
Lol, nice!v Big Laugh Smilie Very Big Grin Smilie
l'm sorrybut what is "Scouse"? ? ?
A person that comes from Liverpool, England UK

A definition of reasons and history :-
The word comes from lobscouse, a sailor's (very likely a Norwegian sailor) dish of stewed meat, vegetables, and ship's biscuit, not unlike Irish stew.

Lobscouser became a slang name for a sailor. As a port city, Liverpool became known for this dish.

The word Scouser came to refer to a native of Liverpool, the city where they ate scouse, and Scouse referred also to the pronunciations and usages of that speech community.

Can some one tell me if there is a better "definition" of a Scouser?

S is for Sardonic sense of humour C is for Comedian born and Bred O is for Only supports one soccer team (Liverpool) U is for Unswerving love for all things Liverpool S is for Scouse eater E is for Eulogizes Liverpool at every opportunity R is for Rejoices in a good argument

OR
Lab Skaas is a fish stew deriving from Norway. A dish called Lab Scaus is also eaten in the sea ports of Northern Germany. Labscause (Lob Scouse in the local dialect) became a popular dish in the Liverpool area, probably introduced by sailors docking in the port. Lob Scouse is a stew containing mutton, potato, carrot and onions a variant or mutation due in part to the large amount of Irish migrants who mixed it with their own dish.
The popularity of this dish in the Liverpool area led to locals being termed "Scousers".

And there you have it.
This famous lawyer who has never lost a case is duck hunting, so he shoots a duck and it lands on the other side of a property line,when he crosses the line to retrieve it this 90yr. old man drives up on a tractor and asks "what r u doing"and the lawyer replies"getting my duck"and the old man says "it landed on my property its my duck"and tha lawyer answers"do u no who i am?im the best lawyer in the world! iv never lost a case ! i will sue u fer every cent u have!"and the old man says"lets settle this the old fashioned way,i kick u 3 times then u kick me 3 times until one of us backs down!"the lawyer says"okay"cause the man was like 90,well the old man was wearin steel-toed boots.so the old man kicks him in the shin,stummick,and face.Then the lawyer says"ow!al;right now its my turn!"and the old man says"I give up u can have the duck!"
Ok prbably gonna get slammed for this but i tried to find the "Footie Anyone?" thread but no joy, but being as this is a satirical look at British Football i'm confident some of ya out there will love it...

Its long but well worth it!

Enjoy... Wink Smilie
Subject: THE GARY NEVILLE DIARIES
Friday Put the cones out for Sir today and he glanced at me. Made me feel special. He never looks at Phil like that. Told Mum and she said I have to share but that's not fair because I got to the cones first. Moustache looks a bit thicker today.

Saturday Won today but I didn't play :-( Watched MUTV all night to see whether Sir said he missed me. Am sure they edited it out. Hung out with Rio until he told me to 'go away innit'. Will tell Sir tomorrow. Deffo not a penalty today - gave that girl Boa Morte a nasty stare after the game to let him know that I know. Man in wheelchair laughed at my moustache. Cried myself to sleep.

Sunday Took Sir an apple. But Weasley :-) gave him a bottle of red wine so he'll probably play on Tuesday. Creep. Went to Mum's for dinner but she tried to make me eat sprouts and then laughed when I banged my fists on the kitchen lino. She won't laugh again. Read Sir's book in bed. Coloured in moustache with marker. Looks manly.

Monday Rained at training. Marker wasn't permanent.

Tuesday (early) Playing tonight so was definitely worth washing bibs for Sir. Looked at papers and I was in them again! Will put in scrapbook. So glad said Porto don't act like men. Am really getting good at this mind games business. Photo on back of The Sun made my moustache look thin but Mum says it's just the ink. She says I look handsome.

Tuesday (late) Not fair. Not fair. Not fair. It was a goal and we should have won and someone pushed me and someone tried to hurt Ronaldo and the girls dived on the floor and the referee blew the whistle before we could score and they celebrated in front of OUR fans and that made me so angry but I had to go and tell the TV that they deserved it (they didn't and I had my fingers crossed. Ha!). It's just not fair because we're the best team in the whole wide world. Have given Philip a Chinese burn for that free-kick and told Sir to sell him.

Wednesday Sir not happy today. He didn't even cheer up when I gave him my drawing. Wonder if he'll put it on his fridge with the others? Saw a small boy laughing at me so held him down until he said that Manchester United were the best team in the whole wide world. Feel better now. Bought some Re-Gane and put on top lip. Can't wait until the morning to see my bushy, manly 'tache.

Thursday Phoned David to ask him to ask Elton about hair transplants. He said he was, "too busy preparing for the quarter-finals of the Champions League". Am going to tell Sir and then I'm going to fly to Spain and then hold him down until he says that Manchester United are the best team in the whole wide world. And I'm going to take back the Man United sovereign ring I sent him for Christmas. Update: Mum says I can't go to Spain.

Monday Still can't believe he sent those text messages to yukky girls too. Everyone knows girls smell. Have been crying every night for a week. Told Mum it was Phil's fault and she made him stand in the corner. Even when his wife was there. Ha. Still got one text message from him. The special one - 'I'm going to hold you down and **** your *******'. Later: Have looked in Mum's crossword dictionary. Thicko spelt 'shave' and 'moustache' wrong.

Tuesday "And the ball falls to the brilliant Gary Neville with his lovely thick moustache and he makes no mistake and lashes home the ball. The crowd go wild - there's nobody these Old Trafford fans love more than Gary Neville...And there's Sir Alex Ferguson with a tear in his eye. He loves Gary and his thick moustache like a son..." Sir even patted me on the back and said 'Well done, Phil'. Bet Rebecca 'Stinky' Loos(ha) couldn't score against Leicester.

Wednesday Gave Sir the tea cosy I knitted to match the doilies. Think he liked it because I saw him smile when he showed it to Keano. Maybe I should do one for him too. In green :-) Then maybe he won't tie my shoelaces together again :-( Went to Mum's for tea. Ran the length of the kitchen to appeal her decision to let Phil lick out the cake bowl. Made Mum cry but at least I got to lick out the bowl! Moustache definitely looks thicker today.

Thursday Said 'howdy' to Tim in training and he told me to '****ing **** off you little ****'. Said 'yo' to Rio and he said exactly the same. Maybe this Tourettes thing is spreading. Would tell Sir but think he's got it too. Saw 'Stinky' Loos on TV. She looks really smelly. Tried to draw a little moustache (not mustach, thicko) on her face but she kept moving. Update: This marker was permanent. Mum says I need to buy her a new TV.

Friday Not fair, not fair, not fair. Graham Poll is in the papers saying I'm a diver but Mum says I can't call The Sun and say he's got a big bum. It's not fair because he started it. And he has got a big bum.

Saturday "And the ball falls to the brilliant Gary Neville with his lovely thick moustache and he tries an audacious overhead kick. Is nothing beyond the talents of Old Trafford's favourite son? But a cheating, handballing nobody who plays for a nothing team pushes the ball over the bar to deny brave Neville, his thick moustache and the greatest team in the whole wide world yet another goal..." The referee didn't crack like Mum did. He didn't even cry. Gave Matt 'Who?' Taylor my nastiest glare after the game. And then I saw his Mum and glared at her too. His Dad was bigger than me so stopped there.

Sunday There's another yukky girl in the papers telling yukky stories about how yukky David made her feel so yucking special. How can he do this to me? Watched a programme about skin grafts - they take the skin from a place that nobody sees and put it in the place where you need the skin. Has given me an idea about thickening my moustache...

Following on from Gary Neville........

Gerard Houllier's diary.................................. SUNDAY: Spent the morning reading the reports of yesterday's game. Wild overexaggeration, as always. Cannot for the life of me understand the phrases they throw at me. What is this nonsense about consistency? Workrate? Goals? Made a note to tell the press that these are exactly the attributes I have instilled in my team. Once I point it out to them, I'm sure they'll see what I mean. At least the real fans are with me. They know what I'm trying to achieve here. Received a phonecall from Kirky. Apparently, he broke his thumb on the TV remote last night. Have told him not to worry. His England chance will Come eventually. Caught Salif rummaging through my bins again. Tried to grab him, but he ran away. Seemed to be giggling uncontrollably.

MONDAY: Dioufy rang in first thing. He says he's too busy to train today. I'm a little disappointed, but he's promised that his performance won't Be affected. The boys played some five-a-side, and all looked very sharp. Milan hit the back of the net with every shot, and I've promised him that, as long as he works hard on his tackling, I'll find a position in the team for him shortly. Emile gave me a nice chocolate bar after training. He told me he was worried about his lack of goals in training. I gave him a big cuddle, and he left smiling. I'm so proud of my boys.

TUESDAY Dioufy rang in first thing. Apparently he is feeling a bit sick, so he can't come in. It must be bad, I'm sure I could hear the voices of two nurses in the background. Told the boys to practice their penalties in training today. Steven hit the target every time. He'll make useful back-up if ever Michael is injured. Followed that with some endurance running. It's amazing how fit these players are, almost as if they hadn't put in any effort in the last match. Unfortunately, Danny didn't complete the course after running into a letterbox. Says he didn't see it at all, which is a little confusing. I'm hopeful he'll be OK for the match on Saturday though. Gave the boys a tactical lesson in the afternoon. It's a pleasure to see their brows so furrowed in concentration. Devised a cunning ploy to confuse the opposition. Have told Sami to kick the ball long to Emile, and Emile to bluff defences by NOT jumping for it. In the ensuing confusion, it'll be easy for Michael to nip in and grab a goal. Everyone else seems to be having trouble grasping the concept, but Emile just smiled at me, to show he understands. I can always rely on Emile.

WEDNESDAY. Dioufy can't make it again. He says he is still suffering from a virus, but that he's thinking about the game at all times. I really do admire that boy's attitude. Some of the boys requested that we do some work on corners and free kicks today, but I told them that, at this stage in their progression, it is far more important to work on our fluidity. So, instead, we staged a full practice match and I discovered not only that Danny has the makings of a world class centre half, but also that Djimi, with his raw pace, might be worth a try on the wing some day. Have made a note of it, maybe to Try in the Uefa cup next season. Phil returned from his scouting trip today. I'm saving the club so much namley by only using the Eurostar for these excursions, I just know Rick will be pleased. Phil tells me he's seen an exciting player in a match between Monaco and St. Etienne. Etienne lost 6-1, but apparently they have a young midfielder with a tough tackle, and an eye for a pass. Could be the next Patrick Vieira. I've sent Phil back straightaway to see how many positions the lad can play. I've a feeling he might be useful back-up for Dioufy. Caught Stephanie looking at me darkly today. You'd think that since I a the only manager to ever put him in his natural position, he'd be a little more grateful. Got home to find a big bouquet of flowers on my doorstep, from 'E'. Have no idea who this might be, but they've brightened the place up much more than those dusty pictures of Zinedine. He never calls anymore.

THURSDAY. Still no sign of Salif, although I'm sure I saw him running through the background on the news last night, wearing that underwear I'm missing. Got a phonecall from police in Spain to say that they found Dioufy asleep in a car park in Barcelona. Looks like he's been out there for the whole week clubbing. I have to say, I'm a little disappointed with his attitude, but I know it's out of character, and when I see him I'll let him know that his place in the squad is safe. I always expected him to reach a plateau about now anyway. An agent representing someone called Joaquin called me today to say that his client might be interested in a move to Liverpool. Have to say, I'm very angry that people are trying to unsettle Danny and Dioufy. Put the phone down on him. Lively training today though, and I would say Michael is about 67.4% sharp now. He'll be banging in the goals soon enough. Emile scored one as well, but started to cry when Steven said 'about time too'. I gave him a cuddle and he asked if he could come over for Dinner to discuss his future. Unfortunately, I have plans with the wife tonight, so I had to say no. He looked so sad.

FRIDAY. Let the boys relax today. The champions league will be decided soon, and I don't want my poor lambs mentally burnt out before the end of the season. Caught Jamie turning Sky sports on, and only just stopped him before everyone else saw. I can't have my boys listening to any of the nasty lies those 'news' channels churn out. A letter arrived today addressed to 'M. O'Neill'. Very strange indeed, but Rick said it must just be a fault with the postal system. Salif finally turned up for training, but spent most of the day sat in corner muttering to himself, and giggling. Steven says he's crazy, but I'm glad I bought him - a dressing room needs some character, and Salif lightens the place up a lot. Told the boys my team selection for tomorrow, and they were so supportive, all just silently agreeing with me. It's so nice to run a club with no dissent whatsoever. I've decided to give young Anthony's left foot another try tomorrow. He has the makings of an excellent left winger. Told the boys to get an early night in preparation for the big game tomorrow. Although I never like to focus too much on the opposition, I have told my boys to approach the game with total caution. They may be 4th from bottom, but I can see what talent they have, and they might even make a late surge for our precious, our champions league spot. We need to be focused. SATURDAY I cannot write anything today. I am so angry with that linesman. Emile came off the pitch in tears again. How are we supposed to progress if nobody will stop attacking my poor players?

SUNDAY Spent the morning reading the reports of yesterday's game. Wild overexaggeration, as always. Cannot for the life of me underst... [reply] [Complain about this post]


Diaries Found! spencer pritchard - 40th post - 21 Apr 2004 13:35
Subject: THE GARY NEVILLE DIARIES
Friday Put the cones out for Sir today and he glanced at me. Made me feel special. He never looks at Phil like that. Told Mum and she said I have to share but that's not fair because I got to the cones first. Moustache looks a bit thicker today.

Saturday Won today but I didn't play :-( Watched MUTV all night to see whether Sir said he missed me. Am sure they edited it out. Hung out with Rio until he told me to 'go away innit'. Will tell Sir tomorrow. Deffo not a penalty today - gave that girl Boa Morte a nasty stare after the game to let him know that I know. Man in wheelchair laughed at my moustache. Cried myself to sleep.

Sunday Took Sir an apple. But Weasley :-) gave him a bottle of red wine so he'll probably play on Tuesday. Creep. Went to Mum's for dinner but she tried to make me eat sprouts and then laughed when I banged my fists on the kitchen lino. She won't laugh again. Read Sir's book in bed. Coloured in moustache with marker. Looks manly.

Monday Rained at training. Marker wasn't permanent.

Tuesday (early) Playing tonight so was definitely worth washing bibs for Sir. Looked at papers and I was in them again! Will put in scrapbook. So glad said Porto don't act like men. Am really getting good at this mind games business. Photo on back of The Sun made my moustache look thin but Mum says it's just the ink. She says I look handsome.

Tuesday (late) Not fair. Not fair. Not fair. It was a goal and we should have won and someone pushed me and someone tried to hurt Ronaldo and the girls dived on the floor and the referee blew the whistle before we could score and they celebrated in front of OUR fans and that made me so angry but I had to go and tell the TV that they deserved it (they didn't and I had my fingers crossed. Ha!). It's just not fair because we're the best team in the whole wide world. Have given Philip a Chinese burn for that free-kick and told Sir to sell him.

Wednesday Sir not happy today. He didn't even cheer up when I gave him my drawing. Wonder if he'll put it on his fridge with the others? Saw a small boy laughing at me so held him down until he said that Manchester United were the best team in the whole wide world. Feel better now. Bought some Re-Gane and put on top lip. Can't wait until the morning to see my bushy, manly 'tache.

Thursday Phoned David to ask him to ask Elton about hair transplants. He said he was, "too busy preparing for the quarter-finals of the Champions League". Am going to tell Sir and then I'm going to fly to Spain and then hold him down until he says that Manchester United are the best team in the whole wide world. And I'm going to take back the Man United sovereign ring I sent him for Christmas. Update: Mum says I can't go to Spain.

Monday Still can't believe he sent those text messages to yukky girls too. Everyone knows girls smell. Have been crying every night for a week. Told Mum it was Phil's fault and she made him stand in the corner. Even when his wife was there. Ha. Still got one text message from him. The special one - 'I'm going to hold you down and **** your *******'. Later: Have looked in Mum's crossword dictionary. Thicko spelt 'shave' and 'moustache' wrong.

Tuesday "And the ball falls to the brilliant Gary Neville with his lovely thick moustache and he makes no mistake and lashes home the ball. The crowd go wild - there's nobody these Old Trafford fans love more than Gary Neville...And there's Sir Alex Ferguson with a tear in his eye. He loves Gary and his thick moustache like a son..." Sir even patted me on the back and said 'Well done, Phil'. Bet Rebecca 'Stinky' Loos(ha) couldn't score against Leicester.

Wednesday Gave Sir the tea cosy I knitted to match the doilies. Think he liked it because I saw him smile when he showed it to Keano. Maybe I should do one for him too. In green :-) Then maybe he won't tie my shoelaces together again :-( Went to Mum's for tea. Ran the length of the kitchen to appeal her decision to let Phil lick out the cake bowl. Made Mum cry but at least I got to lick out the bowl! Moustache definitely looks thicker today.

Thursday Said 'howdy' to Tim in training and he told me to '****ing **** off you little ****'. Said 'yo' to Rio and he said exactly the same. Maybe this Tourettes thing is spreading. Would tell Sir but think he's got it too. Saw 'Stinky' Loos on TV. She looks really smelly. Tried to draw a little moustache (not mustach, thicko) on her face but she kept moving. Update: This marker was permanent. Mum says I need to buy her a new TV.

Friday Not fair, not fair, not fair. Graham Poll is in the papers saying I'm a diver but Mum says I can't call The Sun and say he's got a big bum. It's not fair because he started it. And he has got a big bum.

Saturday "And the ball falls to the brilliant Gary Neville with his lovely thick moustache and he tries an audacious overhead kick. Is nothing beyond the talents of Old Trafford's favourite son? But a cheating, handballing nobody who plays for a nothing team pushes the ball over the bar to deny brave Neville, his thick moustache and the greatest team in the whole wide world yet another goal..." The referee didn't crack like Mum did. He didn't even cry. Gave Matt 'Who?' Taylor my nastiest glare after the game. And then I saw his Mum and glared at her too. His Dad was bigger than me so stopped there.

Sunday There's another yukky girl in the papers telling yukky stories about how yukky David made her feel so yucking special. How can he do this to me? Watched a programme about skin grafts - they take the skin from a place that nobody sees and put it in the place where you need the skin. Has given me an idea about thickening my moustache...

Following on from Gary Neville........

Gerard Houllier's diary.................................. SUNDAY: Spent the morning reading the reports of yesterday's game. Wild overexaggeration, as always. Cannot for the life of me understand the phrases they throw at me. What is this nonsense about consistency? Workrate? Goals? Made a note to tell the press that these are exactly the attributes I have instilled in my team. Once I point it out to them, I'm sure they'll see what I mean. At least the real fans are with me. They know what I'm trying to achieve here. Received a phonecall from Kirky. Apparently, he broke his thumb on the TV remote last night. Have told him not to worry. His England chance will Come eventually. Caught Salif rummaging through my bins again. Tried to grab him, but he ran away. Seemed to be giggling uncontrollably.

MONDAY: Dioufy rang in first thing. He says he's too busy to train today. I'm a little disappointed, but he's promised that his performance won't Be affected. The boys played some five-a-side, and all looked very sharp. Milan hit the back of the net with every shot, and I've promised him that, as long as he works hard on his tackling, I'll find a position in the team for him shortly. Emile gave me a nice chocolate bar after training. He told me he was worried about his lack of goals in training. I gave him a big cuddle, and he left smiling. I'm so proud of my boys.

TUESDAY Dioufy rang in first thing. Apparently he is feeling a bit sick, so he can't come in. It must be bad, I'm sure I could hear the voices of two nurses in the background. Told the boys to practice their penalties in training today. Steven hit the target every time. He'll make useful back-up if ever Michael is injured. Followed that with some endurance running. It's amazing how fit these players are, almost as if they hadn't put in any effort in the last match. Unfortunately, Danny didn't complete the course after running into a letterbox. Says he didn't see it at all, which is a little confusing. I'm hopeful he'll be OK for the match on Saturday though. Gave the boys a tactical lesson in the afternoon. It's a pleasure to see their brows so furrowed in concentration. Devised a cunning ploy to confuse the opposition. Have told Sami to kick the ball long to Emile, and Emile to bluff defences by NOT jumping for it. In the ensuing confusion, it'll be easy for Michael to nip in and grab a goal. Everyone else seems to be having trouble grasping the concept, but Emile just smiled at me, to show he understands. I can always rely on Emile.

WEDNESDAY. Dioufy can't make it again. He says he is still suffering from a virus, but that he's thinking about the game at all times. I really do admire that boy's attitude. Some of the boys requested that we do some work on corners and free kicks today, but I told them that, at this stage in their progression, it is far more important to work on our fluidity. So, instead, we staged a full practice match and I discovered not only that Danny has the makings of a world class centre half, but also that Djimi, with his raw pace, might be worth a try on the wing some day. Have made a note of it, maybe to Try in the Uefa cup next season. Phil returned from his scouting trip today. I'm saving the club so much namley by only using the Eurostar for these excursions, I just know Rick will be pleased. Phil tells me he's seen an exciting player in a match between Monaco and St. Etienne. Etienne lost 6-1, but apparently they have a young midfielder with a tough tackle, and an eye for a pass. Could be the next Patrick Vieira. I've sent Phil back straightaway to see how many positions the lad can play. I've a feeling he might be useful back-up for Dioufy. Caught Stephanie looking at me darkly today. You'd think that since I a the only manager to ever put him in his natural position, he'd be a little more grateful. Got home to find a big bouquet of flowers on my doorstep, from 'E'. Have no idea who this might be, but they've brightened the place up much more than those dusty pictures of Zinedine. He never calls anymore.

THURSDAY. Still no sign of Salif, although I'm sure I saw him running through the background on the news last night, wearing that underwear I'm missing. Got a phonecall from police in Spain to say that they found Dioufy asleep in a car park in Barcelona. Looks like he's been out there for the whole week clubbing. I have to say, I'm a little disappointed with his attitude, but I know it's out of character, and when I see him I'll let him know that his place in the squad is safe. I always expected him to reach a plateau about now anyway. An agent representing someone called Joaquin called me today to say that his client might be interested in a move to Liverpool. Have to say, I'm very angry that people are trying to unsettle Danny and Dioufy. Put the phone down on him. Lively training today though, and I would say Michael is about 67.4% sharp now. He'll be banging in the goals soon enough. Emile scored one as well, but started to cry when Steven said 'about time too'. I gave him a cuddle and he asked if he could come over for Dinner to discuss his future. Unfortunately, I have plans with the wife tonight, so I had to say no. He looked so sad.

FRIDAY. Let the boys relax today. The champions league will be decided soon, and I don't want my poor lambs mentally burnt out before the end of the season. Caught Jamie turning Sky sports on, and only just stopped him before everyone else saw. I can't have my boys listening to any of the nasty lies those 'news' channels churn out. A letter arrived today addressed to 'M. O'Neill'. Very strange indeed, but Rick said it must just be a fault with the postal system. Salif finally turned up for training, but spent most of the day sat in corner muttering to himself, and giggling. Steven says he's crazy, but I'm glad I bought him - a dressing room needs some character, and Salif lightens the place up a lot. Told the boys my team selection for tomorrow, and they were so supportive, all just silently agreeing with me. It's so nice to run a club with no dissent whatsoever. I've decided to give young Anthony's left foot another try tomorrow. He has the makings of an excellent left winger. Told the boys to get an early night in preparation for the big game tomorrow. Although I never like to focus too much on the opposition, I have told my boys to approach the game with total caution. They may be 4th from bottom, but I can see what talent they have, and they might even make a late surge for our precious, our champions league spot. We need to be focused. SATURDAY I cannot write anything today. I am so angry with that linesman. Emile came off the pitch in tears again. How are we supposed to progress if nobody will stop attacking my poor players?

SUNDAY Spent the morning reading the reports of yesterday's game. Wild overexaggeration, as always. Cannot for the life of me underst... [reply] [Complain about this post]


Diaries Found! spencer pritchard - 39th post - 21 Apr 2004 13:34
Subject: THE GARY NEVILLE DIARIES
Friday Put the cones out for Sir today and he glanced at me. Made me feel special. He never looks at Phil like that. Told Mum and she said I have to share but that's not fair because I got to the cones first. Moustache looks a bit thicker today.

Saturday Won today but I didn't play :-( Watched MUTV all night to see whether Sir said he missed me. Am sure they edited it out. Hung out with Rio until he told me to 'go away innit'. Will tell Sir tomorrow. Deffo not a penalty today - gave that girl Boa Morte a nasty stare after the game to let him know that I know. Man in wheelchair laughed at my moustache. Cried myself to sleep.

Sunday Took Sir an apple. But Weasley :-) gave him a bottle of red wine so he'll probably play on Tuesday. Creep. Went to Mum's for dinner but she tried to make me eat sprouts and then laughed when I banged my fists on the kitchen lino. She won't laugh again. Read Sir's book in bed. Coloured in moustache with marker. Looks manly.

Monday Rained at training. Marker wasn't permanent.

Tuesday (early) Playing tonight so was definitely worth washing bibs for Sir. Looked at papers and I was in them again! Will put in scrapbook. So glad said Porto don't act like men. Am really getting good at this mind games business. Photo on back of The Sun made my moustache look thin but Mum says it's just the ink. She says I look handsome.

Tuesday (late) Not fair. Not fair. Not fair. It was a goal and we should have won and someone pushed me and someone tried to hurt Ronaldo and the girls dived on the floor and the referee blew the whistle before we could score and they celebrated in front of OUR fans and that made me so angry but I had to go and tell the TV that they deserved it (they didn't and I had my fingers crossed. Ha!). It's just not fair because we're the best team in the whole wide world. Have given Philip a Chinese burn for that free-kick and told Sir to sell him.

Wednesday Sir not happy today. He didn't even cheer up when I gave him my drawing. Wonder if he'll put it on his fridge with the others? Saw a small boy laughing at me so held him down until he said that Manchester United were the best team in the whole wide world. Feel better now. Bought some Re-Gane and put on top lip. Can't wait until the morning to see my bushy, manly 'tache.

Thursday Phoned David to ask him to ask Elton about hair transplants. He said he was, "too busy preparing for the quarter-finals of the Champions League". Am going to tell Sir and then I'm going to fly to Spain and then hold him down until he says that Manchester United are the best team in the whole wide world. And I'm going to take back the Man United sovereign ring I sent him for Christmas. Update: Mum says I can't go to Spain.

Monday Still can't believe he sent those text messages to yukky girls too. Everyone knows girls smell. Have been crying every night for a week. Told Mum it was Phil's fault and she made him stand in the corner. Even when his wife was there. Ha. Still got one text message from him. The special one - 'I'm going to hold you down and **** your *******'. Later: Have looked in Mum's crossword dictionary. Thicko spelt 'shave' and 'moustache' wrong.

Tuesday "And the ball falls to the brilliant Gary Neville with his lovely thick moustache and he makes no mistake and lashes home the ball. The crowd go wild - there's nobody these Old Trafford fans love more than Gary Neville...And there's Sir Alex Ferguson with a tear in his eye. He loves Gary and his thick moustache like a son..." Sir even patted me on the back and said 'Well done, Phil'. Bet Rebecca 'Stinky' Loos(ha) couldn't score against Leicester.

Wednesday Gave Sir the tea cosy I knitted to match the doilies. Think he liked it because I saw him smile when he showed it to Keano. Maybe I should do one for him too. In green :-) Then maybe he won't tie my shoelaces together again :-( Went to Mum's for tea. Ran the length of the kitchen to appeal her decision to let Phil lick out the cake bowl. Made Mum cry but at least I got to lick out the bowl! Moustache definitely looks thicker today.

Thursday Said 'howdy' to Tim in training and he told me to '****ing **** off you little ****'. Said 'yo' to Rio and he said exactly the same. Maybe this Tourettes thing is spreading. Would tell Sir but think he's got it too. Saw 'Stinky' Loos on TV. She looks really smelly. Tried to draw a little moustache (not mustach, thicko) on her face but she kept moving. Update: This marker was permanent. Mum says I need to buy her a new TV.

Friday Not fair, not fair, not fair. Graham Poll is in the papers saying I'm a diver but Mum says I can't call The Sun and say he's got a big bum. It's not fair because he started it. And he has got a big bum.

Saturday "And the ball falls to the brilliant Gary Neville with his lovely thick moustache and he tries an audacious overhead kick. Is nothing beyond the talents of Old Trafford's favourite son? But a cheating, handballing nobody who plays for a nothing team pushes the ball over the bar to deny brave Neville, his thick moustache and the greatest team in the whole wide world yet another goal..." The referee didn't crack like Mum did. He didn't even cry. Gave Matt 'Who?' Taylor my nastiest glare after the game. And then I saw his Mum and glared at her too. His Dad was bigger than me so stopped there.

Sunday There's another yukky girl in the papers telling yukky stories about how yukky David made her feel so yucking special. How can he do this to me? Watched a programme about skin grafts - they take the skin from a place that nobody sees and put it in the place where you need the skin. Has given me an idea about thickening my moustache...

Following on from Gary Neville........

Gerard Houllier's diary.................................. SUNDAY: Spent the morning reading the reports of yesterday's game. Wild overexaggeration, as always. Cannot for the life of me understand the phrases they throw at me. What is this nonsense about consistency? Workrate? Goals? Made a note to tell the press that these are exactly the attributes I have instilled in my team. Once I point it out to them, I'm sure they'll see what I mean. At least the real fans are with me. They know what I'm trying to achieve here. Received a phonecall from Kirky. Apparently, he broke his thumb on the TV remote last night. Have told him not to worry. His England chance will Come eventually. Caught Salif rummaging through my bins again. Tried to grab him, but he ran away. Seemed to be giggling uncontrollably.

MONDAY: Dioufy rang in first thing. He says he's too busy to train today. I'm a little disappointed, but he's promised that his performance won't Be affected. The boys played some five-a-side, and all looked very sharp. Milan hit the back of the net with every shot, and I've promised him that, as long as he works hard on his tackling, I'll find a position in the team for him shortly. Emile gave me a nice chocolate bar after training. He told me he was worried about his lack of goals in training. I gave him a big cuddle, and he left smiling. I'm so proud of my boys.

TUESDAY Dioufy rang in first thing. Apparently he is feeling a bit sick, so he can't come in. It must be bad, I'm sure I could hear the voices of two nurses in the background. Told the boys to practice their penalties in training today. Steven hit the target every time. He'll make useful back-up if ever Michael is injured. Followed that with some endurance running. It's amazing how fit these players are, almost as if they hadn't put in any effort in the last match. Unfortunately, Danny didn't complete the course after running into a letterbox. Says he didn't see it at all, which is a little confusing. I'm hopeful he'll be OK for the match on Saturday though. Gave the boys a tactical lesson in the afternoon. It's a pleasure to see their brows so furrowed in concentration. Devised a cunning ploy to confuse the opposition. Have told Sami to kick the ball long to Emile, and Emile to bluff defences by NOT jumping for it. In the ensuing confusion, it'll be easy for Michael to nip in and grab a goal. Everyone else seems to be having trouble grasping the concept, but Emile just smiled at me, to show he understands. I can always rely on Emile.

WEDNESDAY. Dioufy can't make it again. He says he is still suffering from a virus, but that he's thinking about the game at all times. I really do admire that boy's attitude. Some of the boys requested that we do some work on corners and free kicks today, but I told them that, at this stage in their progression, it is far more important to work on our fluidity. So, instead, we staged a full practice match and I discovered not only that Danny has the makings of a world class centre half, but also that Djimi, with his raw pace, might be worth a try on the wing some day. Have made a note of it, maybe to Try in the Uefa cup next season. Phil returned from his scouting trip today. I'm saving the club so much namley by only using the Eurostar for these excursions, I just know Rick will be pleased. Phil tells me he's seen an exciting player in a match between Monaco and St. Etienne. Etienne lost 6-1, but apparently they have a young midfielder with a tough tackle, and an eye for a pass. Could be the next Patrick Vieira. I've sent Phil back straightaway to see how many positions the lad can play. I've a feeling he might be useful back-up for Dioufy. Caught Stephanie looking at me darkly today. You'd think that since I a the only manager to ever put him in his natural position, he'd be a little more grateful. Got home to find a big bouquet of flowers on my doorstep, from 'E'. Have no idea who this might be, but they've brightened the place up much more than those dusty pictures of Zinedine. He never calls anymore.

THURSDAY. Still no sign of Salif, although I'm sure I saw him running through the background on the news last night, wearing that underwear I'm missing. Got a phonecall from police in Spain to say that they found Dioufy asleep in a car park in Barcelona. Looks like he's been out there for the whole week clubbing. I have to say, I'm a little disappointed with his attitude, but I know it's out of character, and when I see him I'll let him know that his place in the squad is safe. I always expected him to reach a plateau about now anyway. An agent representing someone called Joaquin called me today to say that his client might be interested in a move to Liverpool. Have to say, I'm very angry that people are trying to unsettle Danny and Dioufy. Put the phone down on him. Lively training today though, and I would say Michael is about 67.4% sharp now. He'll be banging in the goals soon enough. Emile scored one as well, but started to cry when Steven said 'about time too'. I gave him a cuddle and he asked if he could come over for Dinner to discuss his future. Unfortunately, I have plans with the wife tonight, so I had to say no. He looked so sad.

FRIDAY. Let the boys relax today. The champions league will be decided soon, and I don't want my poor lambs mentally burnt out before the end of the season. Caught Jamie turning Sky sports on, and only just stopped him before everyone else saw. I can't have my boys listening to any of the nasty lies those 'news' channels churn out. A letter arrived today addressed to 'M. O'Neill'. Very strange indeed, but Rick said it must just be a fault with the postal system. Salif finally turned up for training, but spent most of the day sat in corner muttering to himself, and giggling. Steven says he's crazy, but I'm glad I bought him - a dressing room needs some character, and Salif lightens the place up a lot. Told the boys my team selection for tomorrow, and they were so supportive, all just silently agreeing with me. It's so nice to run a club with no dissent whatsoever. I've decided to give young Anthony's left foot another try tomorrow. He has the makings of an excellent left winger. Told the boys to get an early night in preparation for the big game tomorrow. Although I never like to focus too much on the opposition, I have told my boys to approach the game with total caution. They may be 4th from bottom, but I can see what talent they have, and they might even make a late surge for our precious, our champions league spot. We need to be focused. SATURDAY I cannot write anything today. I am so angry with that linesman. Emile came off the pitch in tears again. How are we supposed to progress if nobody will stop attacking my poor players?

Sad Smilie Big Laugh Smilie

I know four scouser's who support Everton!

OK here goes no doubt it will get grondied

*********************************************

Moderator Smilie Yuppers, even though it was a funny Easter joke, it is gone! Sorry. Moderator Smilie
Poo I've been grondied again. Can I actually publish any of my jokes on here?
Sure you can Ross, though it's darned hard to tell a joke that's clean and doesn't offend some nationality, religion, gender, profession, sports team, political party, or race. Shucks, we shouldn't even allow 'dumb blonde' jokes, but the ones the jokes are about are too dumb to know the difference and the other blondes are too smart to be offended by the mere likes of us. Now we might have a problem, if we said "All dumb blondes are female ...", but they know that isn't the case, so I guess I'll rest my case. Elf With a Big Grin Smilie

OK, it's not a joke but it made me laugh......


Mary had a little lamb,
She tied it to a pylon,
A thousand volts went up it's bum,
And turned it's wool to nylon!
Not exactly a joke but found this the other day and it made me laugh, lyrics are not my own but belong to a guy called Minto, this is his work but kudos to him, I liked it!!

REAL DEAD RINGERS
(to the tune of Dead Ringer for Love by Meatloaf)

( Aragorn sings)

Ever since I can remember, I've been hangin' round this joint-
Bom a shooby wabba, bom a shooby wabba-
Then a bunch of hobbits show up and the story's reached the point
Bom a shooby wabba, bom a shooby wabba-
When strangers start a talking, arousing Frodo's fears
He rushes over to 'em and he goes an' disappears!

Frodo Frodo Frodo Frodo

Whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do?
Ringwraiths are a- ridin', an they're comin' after you! (repeat)
Oh, Sam , I know that you don't trust me, and it's Frodo that you're thinkin' of...
But get him out of here before the Real Dead Ringers come, Guv!

These dudes ride horses and they dress up in black,
They're all tooled up with weapons and they want to attack.
Sauron, he knows that you got his ring.
Nothin' he won't do to get his hands on that thing.

So just listen up, hobbits, now here's what to do,
We gotta move fast, 'cause they're comin' for you!
The Ring that we have, has a kind of attraction
And if them geezers show up, you'll see plenty of action!

Ever since I was a kiddy I just wanted to be king
But my sword, well it got busted, and I couldn't find the Ring.
But now we have the One Ring we have got the drop on Mordor.
So let's go see the elves and get my blade in working order!
Yeah , we gotta get past them riders, we gotta beat em fair & square,
Cos I know who they are, they're all REAL dead Ringers, oh yeah!
For those of you not familiar with the Darwin awards, they are awarded annually for the most extreme acts of (occasionally terminal) stupidity - they are now in for 2003:
not sure if it quilified for this years but

A robber threw a brick at a atm machine brick bounced back, hit man's forehead, man tried to examine it on the video screen
i've got a joke.

I'm sane!

LOLOLOJLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Elf Confused Smilie What's so funny about stating the obvious? Elf With a Big Grin Smilie

OOPS! I read Loni's post wrong, she said she was sane. Sure she is. Elf Sticking Tounge Out Smilie
Carrying on with Vee's thread

Mary had a little Lamb,
she also called it Ralf,
But now it's burning in a field,
Because of foot and mouth!


*********

Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was slightly grey,
It didn't have a father, just some borrowed DNA.
It sort of had a mother, though the ovum was on loan,
It's not so much a lambkin, as a little lamby clone.
And soon it had a fellow clone, and soon it had some more,
They followed her to school one day, all cramming through the door.
It made the children laugh and sing, and thrilled them to the soul,
But there were just too many clones, for Mary to control.

No one else could herd the sheep, their imprints didn't vary,
The cloners sought to fix it up, by simply cloning Mary.
So clone they did, and Newsweek said it was extraordinary,
But now they don't know what to do, with Mary, Mary, Mary...
why did the dead baby cross the road?


Ha! It was stapled to the chicken!!!

LOL!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Quote:
What's so funny about stating the obvious?

OOPS! I read Loni's post wrong, she said she was sane. Sure she is.


Hey! You're supposed to laugh. Someone laugh. Anyone. Anyone!!!!!!!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH
AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Hardy Har Har
Do ya wanna hear a dirty joke?
**A little boy fell in a mud puddle
Wanna hear a clean one?
**He went home and took a bath

And here's a joke i got off of theonering.net:

Quote:
ēThere was an archery contest in Lothlorien and all the great archers were there. The 1st one comes up and fires his arrow right in the apple on top of an elf head and says:
-I'm Legolas!!!
The 2nd one comes and fires his arrow...he splits the 1st arrow in half and says:
-I'm Thranduil
Another comes and shoots the elf under the apple and says:
-I'm...sorry!!!
HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand
her at all.
Howdy!
I thought I'd try my hand at a joke here. Who knows, maybe somebody'll grin Tongue Smilie
Q: What does Saruman's staff mainly consist of?
A: Orcs and Uruk Hai, mostly Ha Ha Ha Smilie
...Mehehe, ouch!
Also from the inbox. Enjoy! Smile Smilie


Today is once again Friday. And this week was a fairly quiet, uneventful week, which reminds me of the time I borrowed a friendís Harley-Davidson and went for a short ride...

I was on a slow cruise through a very nice neighborhood with green lawns and almost no traffic. As I approached a parked car, a brown, furry missile shot out from under the car and stopped in the road right in front of me.

It was a squirrel, and it must have been trying to cross the road. I wasnít moving very fast, but I had little time to turn. I had started to lean the bike in order to avoid the furry beastie when I noticed that it didnít look like a normal squirrel; it looked like the squirrel from the movie ďIce AgeĒ. And this squirrel, I discovered, could take care of itself. As I started to swerve, the squirrel screamed and jumped straight up. The leap was nothing short of spectacular; and the squirrel flew right over my short windshield and landed on my chest.

Instantly, I was set upon by a snarling, hissing squirrel. I was wearing a T-shirt, jeans and riding gloves; so, I was annoyed because that fuzzy tornado was doing some real damage.

I grabbed for the squirrel with my left hand and managed to snag the tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left, which should have ended the matter. The squirrel should have sailed into one of the yards and gone on about its business.

In mid-zoom, the squirrel decided I hadn't had enough because it caught my gloved finger in its teeth; and, with the force of my throw, swung around and landed on my back where it immediately resumed its antisocial behavior. It was not able to bite me because it still had my glove, clenched firmly in its teeth. The squirrel attack continued, only now I could not reach the little dervish. I now had only one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my spastic movements, unfortunately, put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle.

A healthy twist on the throttle of a Harley at low speed has one result. The engine roared, and the front wheel left the pavement. The surprised squirrel shrieked and dropped my glove. The bike thundered in ecstasy. I simply screamed in panic.

I slapped my other hand back on the handlebars, and I manage to release the throttle. As I regained control of the machine, the squirrel decided I was still not paying sufficient attention to it, and it darted around my neck and sank its teeth into my nose. The squirrel had now managed to get my full attention as it growled, and we glared at each other from short range. Well, it glared. I didnít glare as much because my eyes were watering due to the fact that its teeth were sharp, and my nose was firmly in between them. Witnesses later testified that the sounds emanating from me at this point were not human. The squirrel and I eyed each other for about a millisecond before I grabbed the tail, yanked it off my face and tossed it to the left as hard as I could. An unimportant piece of my nose went along with the squirrel.

Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly, a blur thunders by, a blur of a Harley with the rider dressed in jeans and a badly torn T-shirt; the rider has only one glove on. And as the side-show roars by, the man throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.

I skidded to a halt at the next cross street, and I looked back.

The two police officers did not seem the slightest bit interested in me at the moment. The doors on both sides of the patrol car were wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, moving as quickly as possible away from the car. His hat was on crooked, and a small bite had been taken out of the brim. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own squad car. The inside of the car looked as if someone had taken about five pounds of packing peanuts and shoved an air hose into the center of the pile.

The shredding of the patrol car continued as pieces of foam and upholstery erupted from the back seat. I could have sworn that the squirrel shook its fist at me. I took a deep breath, made a gentle right turn and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a lot of Band-Aids.
Oh dear! Oh Dear! Oh Dear! I had a hard time reading the last few lines of the joke: my eyes kept tearing up I was laughing so hard. That squirrel had to be high on something; I hope it wasn't our own Plastic Squirrel.

That story is great because you can visulize in your mind's eye exactly what is taking place.

Thanks GrevBuk Elf With a Big Grin Smilie
Here is a silly rhyme, which is funny in a dumb kind of way.

Hello, operator. Get me number nine. Someone in the bathtub is scrubbing their...
Behind the refridgerator is a peice of glass, if you step upon it, you'll break your little...
Ask me no questions, no answers I will tell.

That's all I've got, but I thought it would be fun to resurrect this thread.
Cat physics

Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force -- such as the opening of a can of cat food, or the nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Head flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case, all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enought to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.

Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Observation
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump on the bed at the speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always see, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid-section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.

Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the portential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition.
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.
Your squirrel story reminds me of an unlikely event which actually happened to one of my mates a few years ago.

A group of us were returning from a sea angling trip when a small fluffy animal was spotted in the water ahead of the boat. On closer examination it was seen to be a squirrel, apparently heading desparately towards a small island in the river which sported a lone, stunted tree. Believing the poor animal was close to drowning, the decent thing was done, and the said creature was caught in a fish basket. The boat was then turned around, and taken to a stretch of the river bank where a profusion of bushes and trees were growing.

After wading ashore, a couple of the lads tried to gently tip the squirrel out of the basket onto a tree branch. No, it wasn't having it. It wouldn't come out. Wary of savage teeth, one of them then applied a bit more force in tipping the creature out by giving the basket a bit of a shake. Still no joy. On then giving the basket a hefty swing, followed by a sudden stop, they described the squirrel as "clinging to the bottom of the basket with all four paws in a spread-eagled fashion." Apparently, it was quite at home in the fish basket and did not want to come out.

Realizing there was no other option, one of my mates then exclaimed, "What we scared of, it's only a d*mned squirrel?" and bravely took hold of the wee beastie. At which point it savaged his finger and would not let go. In fact it took some vigourous shaking and cursing before it finally came off, along with a nasty strip of flesh.

More concerned now for my mate's welfare, the boat was boarded once more and pointed in the direction of the local hospital were some stitches were later required. And what was seen a few minutes later as the boat was turned around. Yes, a damp squirrel with a determined expression on its face, swimming desparately towards a small island in the middle of the river. My mate was not amused (although everyone else was).
More from the inbox:

WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something", and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with 'Fine'.

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here, arguing with you over "Nothing".

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done.
"That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow.

GO AHEAD.
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

And send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh.
Boys! For heavens sake! Print out the above post NOW and make sure you know it by heart. It will save you A LOT of trouble! Big Smile Smilie
Those are really quite funny...but I'm no good at humor, sorry, so I'll sit back and enjoy...Smoke Smilie
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