<<                  >>
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand
her at all.
I thought I'd try my hand at a joke here. Who knows, maybe somebody'll grin
Q: What does Saruman's staff mainly consist of?
A: Orcs and Uruk Hai, mostly
Today is once again Friday. And this week was a fairly quiet, uneventful week, which reminds me of the time I borrowed a friend’s Harley-Davidson and went for a short ride...
I was on a slow cruise through a very nice neighborhood with green lawns and almost no traffic. As I approached a parked car, a brown, furry missile shot out from under the car and stopped in the road right in front of me.
It was a squirrel, and it must have been trying to cross the road. I wasn’t moving very fast, but I had little time to turn. I had started to lean the bike in order to avoid the furry beastie when I noticed that it didn’t look like a normal squirrel; it looked like the squirrel from the movie “Ice Age”. And this squirrel, I discovered, could take care of itself. As I started to swerve, the squirrel screamed and jumped straight up. The leap was nothing short of spectacular; and the squirrel flew right over my short windshield and landed on my chest.
Instantly, I was set upon by a snarling, hissing squirrel. I was wearing a T-shirt, jeans and riding gloves; so, I was annoyed because that fuzzy tornado was doing some real damage.
I grabbed for the squirrel with my left hand and managed to snag the tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left, which should have ended the matter. The squirrel should have sailed into one of the yards and gone on about its business.
In mid-zoom, the squirrel decided I hadn't had enough because it caught my gloved finger in its teeth; and, with the force of my throw, swung around and landed on my back where it immediately resumed its antisocial behavior. It was not able to bite me because it still had my glove, clenched firmly in its teeth. The squirrel attack continued, only now I could not reach the little dervish. I now had only one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my spastic movements, unfortunately, put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle.
A healthy twist on the throttle of a Harley at low speed has one result. The engine roared, and the front wheel left the pavement. The surprised squirrel shrieked and dropped my glove. The bike thundered in ecstasy. I simply screamed in panic.
I slapped my other hand back on the handlebars, and I manage to release the throttle. As I regained control of the machine, the squirrel decided I was still not paying sufficient attention to it, and it darted around my neck and sank its teeth into my nose. The squirrel had now managed to get my full attention as it growled, and we glared at each other from short range. Well, it glared. I didn’t glare as much because my eyes were watering due to the fact that its teeth were sharp, and my nose was firmly in between them. Witnesses later testified that the sounds emanating from me at this point were not human. The squirrel and I eyed each other for about a millisecond before I grabbed the tail, yanked it off my face and tossed it to the left as hard as I could. An unimportant piece of my nose went along with the squirrel.
Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly, a blur thunders by, a blur of a Harley with the rider dressed in jeans and a badly torn T-shirt; the rider has only one glove on. And as the side-show roars by, the man throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.
I skidded to a halt at the next cross street, and I looked back.
The two police officers did not seem the slightest bit interested in me at the moment. The doors on both sides of the patrol car were wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, moving as quickly as possible away from the car. His hat was on crooked, and a small bite had been taken out of the brim. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own squad car. The inside of the car looked as if someone had taken about five pounds of packing peanuts and shoved an air hose into the center of the pile.
The shredding of the patrol car continued as pieces of foam and upholstery erupted from the back seat. I could have sworn that the squirrel shook its fist at me. I took a deep breath, made a gentle right turn and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a lot of Band-Aids.
That story is great because you can visulize in your mind's eye exactly what is taking place.
Hello, operator. Get me number nine. Someone in the bathtub is scrubbing their...
Behind the refridgerator is a peice of glass, if you step upon it, you'll break your little...
Ask me no questions, no answers I will tell.
That's all I've got, but I thought it would be fun to resurrect this thread.
Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force -- such as the opening of a can of cat food, or the nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Head flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case, all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.
Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enought to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.
Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.
First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
Law of Electric Blanket Observation
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump on the bed at the speed of light.
Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always see, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid-section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.
Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the portential energy to reach escape velocity.
Law of Cat Composition.
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.
A group of us were returning from a sea angling trip when a small fluffy animal was spotted in the water ahead of the boat. On closer examination it was seen to be a squirrel, apparently heading desparately towards a small island in the river which sported a lone, stunted tree. Believing the poor animal was close to drowning, the decent thing was done, and the said creature was caught in a fish basket. The boat was then turned around, and taken to a stretch of the river bank where a profusion of bushes and trees were growing.
After wading ashore, a couple of the lads tried to gently tip the squirrel out of the basket onto a tree branch. No, it wasn't having it. It wouldn't come out. Wary of savage teeth, one of them then applied a bit more force in tipping the creature out by giving the basket a bit of a shake. Still no joy. On then giving the basket a hefty swing, followed by a sudden stop, they described the squirrel as "clinging to the bottom of the basket with all four paws in a spread-eagled fashion." Apparently, it was quite at home in the fish basket and did not want to come out.
Realizing there was no other option, one of my mates then exclaimed, "What we scared of, it's only a d*mned squirrel?" and bravely took hold of the wee beastie. At which point it savaged his finger and would not let go. In fact it took some vigourous shaking and cursing before it finally came off, along with a nasty strip of flesh.
More concerned now for my mate's welfare, the boat was boarded once more and pointed in the direction of the local hospital were some stitches were later required. And what was seen a few minutes later as the boat was turned around. Yes, a damp squirrel with a determined expression on its face, swimming desparately towards a small island in the middle of the river. My mate was not amused (although everyone else was).
WORDS WOMEN USE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
This means "something", and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with 'Fine'.
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here, arguing with you over "Nothing".
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done.
"That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow.
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"
Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
And send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh.
*start looking for flying pigs*
How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.
"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi insurgent. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash!'"
"He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'George W. Bush is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash too!'"
"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."
"Until then—So-long! from me."
"And that's 'So-long!' from him."
... static ...
At least one Am. solider currently in Iraq and a few returned ones liked it too. That punchline just comes out of the blue, doesn't it?
At Phoenix Sky Harbor airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, an FBI spokesperson said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," the spokesman said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'."
When asked to comment on the arrest, one of the arresting officers said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
Source: sent by George Seaman to Car Talk.com from whence Grondy lifted it.
There was this dude walking along the streets of Vienna one night, and he hears this weird as music. It's classical, but it's just wrong! All the laws of music are twisted. And seeing as there's nobody playing the music, he looks around and follows it. And he comes to a grave. It says on it - Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. And then he figures out that it's the ninth symphony played backwards. And he thinks this is quite amazing. So he goes away and comes back to see if he's just dreaming. And now it's the eighth symphony playing backwards. So he goes and gets his friend, and they come back to the seventh symphony playing backwards. And they go get some more people, and then they come back to the sixth symphony. And by dawn there's a whole bunch of people gathered around the grave listening to the second symphony playing backwards. And then the undertaker walks past, and they all ask him if he knows what's happening. And the undertaker says "Don't you get it? He's decomposing."
HAHAHAHA!!!! LOL!!! ROTFL!!!! I still laugh at that one! I always laugh at my own jokes.
*Want to hear dirty joke?
Bob fell in the mud.
*Want to hear a clean joke?
Bob took a bath with bubbles.
*Want to hear a dirty joke?
Bubbles is the girl next door...
3 brothers go to a haunted house and dare one another to stay a night in this creepy old house all by themselves. The oldest brother goes in and gets ready to sleep in this old-fashioned, scary-as-heck room. But he doesn't freak out. But as he is gonna go to sleep, he hears unearthy voices coming from the bathroom singing the same song over and over. "When the log rolls, we will diiiie." So he jumps out the window and runs away screaming. The next night the second brother stays at the creepy old house, in the same creepy old room as the oldest brother. He is calm until he hears the same unearthy singing coming from the bathroom of: "When the log rolls, we will diiiie....." So he jumps out the window and runs away. Finally the third brother stays in the creepy old house, in the creepy old room as his other brothers. He hears the singing from the bathroom, "When the log rolls, we will diiiie....." and goes to investigate. When he gets there he realizes its coming from the toilet. So he looks in and sees a bunch of ants on a piece of poop singing " When the log rolls, we will diiiiie!"
Get it? HAHAHAH! I love that joke! My friend taught me that joke in like fourth grade and I still think it's funny!
Three guys are walking down this trail, and they realize that the path is crossed by a river, and continues on the other side. The first guys kneels, and says, "Please God, give me the strength to get across this river." her barely get's across the river. The second kneels down and says, "Please God, give me strength and the tools to get across the river." He just barely makes it across. The third guy kneels down and says, "Please God, give me the strength, tools, and the brains to get across this river." So God turns him into a woman and he walks down the trail and crosses the bridge.
I love that joke!
Hereby we declare war upon the Unites States of America
We are well armed. We have 2 Tanks and 350 Soldiers.
On the same day the USA send a fax back:
We accept the declaration of war, but understand we wield a force of:
11720 Airplanes, 38640 Tanks and 15,1 M. Soldiers.
Seconds later Liechtenstein faxes back saying:
Under these circumstances we are forced to withdraw our declaration of war. We just don't have enough space for Prisoners of War.
Okay, here's one:
This guy walks into a pet store and and sees this parrot named Joe so he says to the manager "I would like this bird" The manager says "Would you like to see what the bird can do?" "sure" replies the man so the store manager pulls the birds left leg and the bird speaks in english. He pulls the birds right leg and the bird speaks french. The man asks "What will the bird do if you pull both legs?" the bird replies " I'll fall off you idiot"
There are 3 women standing in front of a magical mirror: a blonde, a brunette, and a red-head. The mirror tealls them, "If you tell me one true thing about you, I won't suck you in." The brunette goes first. She says, "I think I'm the prettiest of all 3 of us." Nothing happens. The red-head goesn next. She says, "I think I'm the smartest of the 3 of us." Nothing happens to her. The blonde goes last. She says, "I think-" and then gets sucked into the mirror.
But i think Ices forelast post is such a stupid sexist joke.
And, i'm only half-blonde! Not all, just half!
But i think Ices forelast post is such a stupid sexist joke.
Most Blondes are too dumb to recognize they are the butt of a joke. The ones that do are so smart they just laugh and figure out another way to get even.
An Older woman gets pulled over for speeding.........
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you, but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his own car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car?
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The senior officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Oh sure, and I bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
The moral of this story is: Don't Mess With Old Ladies.
Does that stand for something? And if it does, what?
Rolling On The Floor Laughing My @$$ Off in Barbecue!
I don't know for sure, but that's what it sounds like. I saw it on another sites forum. Time for another joke:
A kid named Joey was in his Religion class. The teacher explained that when good people die, they go to heaven, and when bad people die, they go to hell. At the end of class the teacher asked the students, "Alright kids, what should you be if you want to go to heaven?" Joey shouted, "DEAD!"
> 1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
> 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
> 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
> 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
> 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that
they don't have e-mail addresses.
> 6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a
> 7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an
> 8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
> 10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
> 11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
> 12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home.
> 13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the
> 14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the
first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and
you turn around to go and get it.
> 15. You get up in the morning and go on-line before getting your coffee.
> 16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
> 17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
> 18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
> 19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
> 20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this
> AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.
That is exactly what I did! I scrolled back up to look, and then I laughed at myself! Do you have your telescope aimed at my bedroom window?!?!
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next week he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:
Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co
She asks him why is he staring. He replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
The cabbie says, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic!"
"OK" the Nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The Nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
The cabbie replies, "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
There is no need to change it, the current one is only a little dim, and USians prefer to be in the dark anyway.
To provide all those carrots, the Carrot family had a large garden in their backyard. The garden had to be tilled in the late winter, planted in the early spring, weeded and watered all summer, and harvested in the late summer. Every late winter, it was the same thing. Papa Carrot would get out the carrot-roto-tiller to till the carrot garden, and Baby Carrot would beg to till the carrot garden.
"Not this year, Baby Carrot," Papa Carrot said every year. "You're too small to work the carrot-roto-tiller."
And every year, Baby Carrot would smile and say, "Maybe next year, then, eh?" (Somehow or another, Carrot City is in Canada.)
And Papa Carrot would say, "Maybe so. We'll have to see how big you get between now and then."
Late winter came around this one particular year, and Baby carrot said to Papa Carrot, "Please, Papa Carrot! Please let me till the carrot garden! I've gotten real big, haven't I? Aren't I big enough yet?"
Papa Carrot looked carefully at Baby Carrot and said to him, "I think you might have grown large enough to control the carrot-roto-tiller; let's have a look at you standing beside it."
So Baby Carrot stood beside the carrot-roto-tiller and Papa Carrot measured him standing there. He hemmed and he hawed, and finally he said, "Okay, Baby Carrot, I think you're big enough. Let's move this carrot-roto-tiller out into the yard where we can give you a lesson in how to use it." So they moved the carrot-roto-tiller out into the yard, and Papa Carrot commenced to give Baby Carrot a lesson in how to work all the safety features of the carrot-roto-tiller.
"...and that is how you hit the emergency brake," said Papa Carrot. "Okay, I think you know everything you need to know. Go ahead and start it up!"
Baby Carrot pulled the cord and the carrot-roto-tiller started up without a hitch. Baby Carrot carefully moved the carrot-roto-tiller toward the garden while Papa Carrot watched him proudly. "Now remember what I said in my safety lesson, Baby Carrot: don't get too fast with it!"
Baby Carrot hollered back that he would be careful, and Papa Carrot began making his way back toward the Carrot house. As soon as Papa Carrot was out of eyeshot over the hill in the backyard (darn those pesky natural vision blockers that come out of nowhere!), Baby Carrot said to himself, "I'll never get the carrot garden tilled if I don't go faster." He gave the tiller more gas.
All of a sudden, the carrot-roto-tiller just took off! Poor Baby Carrot could do nothing but hold on for dear life as his feet lifted off the ground from the speed with which the carrot-roto-tiller was moving. It zipped this way, it zinged that way, it tore up the top of the hill in the backyard and ripped its way down the other side. It cut its way through the back porch, and, before anyone could protest, it ran smack into Papa Carrot, and cut him clean in half.
It was at this point that Baby Carrot remembered the emergency brake on the carrot-roto-tiller, and he pulled up on the bar. The carrot-roto-tiller came to a lurching halt in the middle of the backporch. Mama Carrot came screaming out of the house to hold the broken pieces of her husband in her arms. Baby Carrot, who, during the carrot-roto-tiller rampage, could not manage to keep his head, finally managed to keep his head. He ran inside and called C911 (Yes, that's Carrot-911.). The Carrot City Rescue Squad came tearing up in their Carrot City Ambulance, picked up the pieces of Papa Carrot and took him to the Carrot Emergency Room. Mama Carrot and Baby Carrot both got a ride in the front of the Carrot City Ambulance, which was both terrifying and exciting for them.
When they finally arrived at the Carrot City Emergency Room, the city's most famous Carrot-Neurosurgeon was waiting for them. He and his team took the pieces of Papa Carrot into the Carrot Operating Room where they spent 19 hours of grueling Carrot Neurosurgery putting Papa Carrot back together.
When the surgery was completed, the Carrot Neurosurgeon came out to the waiting room to talk to Mama Carrot and Baby Carrot.
"Mama Carrot, Baby Carrot," he said, "I have good news and I have bad news. First, the good news: Papa Carrot's going to live. The bad news is: He's going to be a vegetable."
"Who is that," whispers the burglar.
"My name is Emmanuel. Jesus and I are watching you!" comes the reply. Suddenly in the flashlight beam, the burglar catches a glimpse of a brightly colored parrot. "Jesus and Emmanuel are watching you!" screeches the parrot.
"Emmanuel, what kind of stupid name is that for a parrot?" asks the burglar.
"Not half as stupid as Jesus is for a Rottweiler," replies the parrot.
Two Carrots, bob and jonny, were walking along the along side train tracks. A train comes up and whips by them, As the caboose is comming up the wheel malfunctions and breaks off, the cabooses end starts weaving out of control and jumps off the track heading their direction. Out of the blue a 747 falls out the the sky crushing knocking the caboose out of the way, but taking Jonny with it, but miraculously leaving bob unharmed.
At the hospital the doctor goes up to bob and tells him "I have good news and I have bad news. First, the good news: Jonny is going to live. The bad news is: He's going to be a vegetable."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded... "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor."
"No, from skipping."
(No offense meant to all you blondes out there, don't worry, I'm one too, well, half anyway. )
Snaps to you, baby, I love and miss you dearly
A woman is teaching a class of fifth graders. She has a large assignment for them, so she goes to write it on the board.
When she starts writing, she hears a giggle behind her. She turns around and sees a little boy laughing. "What are you laughing at, Michael?" she says. "I just saw one of your garters, miss," he says, still giggling. "Go to the office! I don't want to see you for two days!" she screams at him.
She turns back to the chalkboard and realizes she didn't title the assignment. She reaches -way- up high to write and she hears an even louder giggle behind her. She turns around and sees another little boy laughing. "Why are you laughing, Thomas?" she asks. "I saw both of your garters," he says. "Get out of my classroom! I don't want to see you for two weeks!" she screeches.
Turning once again to the chalkboard, the teacher drops her chalk. She bends down to get and hears a burst of laughter behind her. She picks up the chalk and turns around; Little Johnny is laughing and he is walking towards the door. "Where are you going, Little Johnny?" she asks.
"Teacher, from I just saw, I'm guessing my whole year's gone."
I love you baby.
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! Print this out.
If you're a Man pass to your partner for a greater understanding. If you're a woman keep it somewhere prominent like on the fridge!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then your stuck with her.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Check your oil! Please.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the offside rule, or motor bikes.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. No you really do have too many shoes.
1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.
1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.
1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!
2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
3) I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10) Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is research.
11) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
13) NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, coughing, why-oh- why-is-the-room spinning medicine.
14) The trouble with life is there's no background music.
15) God must love stupid people; he made so many.
16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
17) It IS as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you.
18) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
19) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
20) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
21) To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer.
22) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up.
The Miracle of Toilet Paper
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked. "They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies. I stopped. " Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy he may even walk again.
Stupid, stupid man.