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I I got it and I'm only 65. Elf With a Big Grin Smilie You only need to _ound them out; though doing _o from backward_ writing i_ _ometime_ hard to do.

_o _tick that in your pipe and _moke it! Smoke Smilie
Yes the answers to them are...

1) You tep on the brake, tupid.

2) You neak (unique) up on him

3) The tame way, you neak (unique) up on him.

For LA86, It is all better when said out loud. It is supposed to be somewhat of an audible pun.
Don't know if this one's been told before, but here goes:

A man walks around town with a penguin on the lead. At a crossroads, a policeman spots him and, thinking it peculiar, stops the guy.

"Excuse me sir, but what are you doing with that penguin?"

"Ah well, I found it this morning, and I don't quite know what to do with it..."

"Well, I think you should probably take it to the zoo, sir."

"Oh, yes! What a wonderful idea, I will do that straight away. Thank you very much sir."

So the man walks on with the penguin, and the policeman returns to his duty. The next day, early afternoon, the policeman is doing his round again, when suddenly he spots the same man across the street again, still with the penguin on the lead! Again, he walks up to him, and asks:

"Excuse me sir, but didn't I tell you to take that penguin to the zoo yesterday?"

"Well yes, yesterday I took him to the zoo, and today I'm taking him to the movies."
jsut heard this over msn

well not exactly heard but you know what I mean


If you play a Windows Installation CD backwards, it is said that it makes awful demonic sounds. But, that's not the worst part; if you play it forwards ... it installs Windows!
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he wa s about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
And another one for you...

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."


A guy entered a library and started looking around. After some time he approached the librarian and asked her where the self-help section was. The librarian replied that if she told him, it would defeat the purpose.
Orc Grinning Smilie Maydmarion sent this one to me:
Quote:
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises.

My coworker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

?

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?"

?

I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days." I jumped down and walked out of the office.

?

When my coworker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss said to her, " And where do you think you're going?"



(You're gonna love this..... )


?


She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"


Orc Grinning Smilie
Funny oneBig Laugh Smilie
A piece of rope walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey! We don't serve rope here!"

So the rope goes back out into the street, musses up its ends, and twists around itself a bit. It walks back into the bar.

The bartender says, "Hey! Aren't you that rope I just tossed out of here?"

And the rope says, "No, sir, I'm a frayed knot."
haha good one, i like that

okay this is a little cheeky

The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. ''I'm sorry,'' says the pharmacist, ''we don't have any.''
''But I always get it here,'' says the blonde.

''Do you have the container it comes in?''

''Yes!'' says the blonde, ''I will go and get it.''

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, ''This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.''

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: ''To apply, push up bottom.''

Orc Grinning Smilie

as a NATURAL blonde, i am disgusted with this joke........ and just to point out, i am not dumb Big Smile Smilie
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sailor with an orange for a head. After a few drinks he gets up the pluck to ask: "Seriously dude, what's with the orange for a head?"

The sailor tells his tale: "Years ago my ship was sunk in a storm, and I was the only survivor; washed-up on a desert island.

"Wandering along the beach I began to hear this hauntingly beautiful singing, until I discovered it was coming from a gorgeous mermaid beached in a rock pool. Carrying her back to the sea, she thanked me and offered to grant me three wishes.

"To begin with, I of course asked to be returned to civilisation. 'Certainly', she replied. 'But I'll grant your other two wishes first'. So second of all I asked to be wealthy beyond imagination, and the beach was suddenly filled with gold.

"For my last wish, I asked to have an orange for ahead."
hmmmmmmmm how very simple or logic, why not wish for an orange for a head???? how very clever???
I'm assuming it's some kind of uproarious Northwestern idiom. Or Vir's been into the Northern Lights. Possibly both. Either that, or, for reasons known only to him, the sailor wished for something of dubious value. The side of me that only comes out at parties thinks it might have something to with alternate uses sailors might make of the word "head." It must be the chicken. Wetlander humor is strange. I dunno....
A man walks into a bar, holding a large wooden box. He says to the bartender, "I'll bet you a drink that I can show you something you've never seen before." It was a slow day, so the bartender says, "Sure, why not." The man sets the box down heavily on the bar, opens up one end of it, and says, "Okay -- come on out."

Out of the box comes a tiny man, about a foot high, pushing a tiny grand piano. He parks the piano in front of the bartender, sets down a tiny bench, sits his tiny self down, and begins to play. He plays beautifully -- a little "Moonlight Sonata," a little "Rhapsody in Blue," a little "Bohemian Rhapsody" for good measure.

When he's finished, the bartender says, "Wow. I certainly have *never* seen anything like that before. Here's your beer...and a tiny one, for your friend. Where did you ever find this guy?"

The man says, "Well, I was traveling once, and you won't believe it, but I found a magic lamp. An actual genie came out, and he said that he'd grant me one wish..."

The bartender interrupts. "And you wished for a twelve-inch pianist?"

"Well, not exactly..."
Shucks, you don't need to go to a desert island for one of those, I get multiple offers daily via my email, along offers of dietary supplements, stock market such-a-deals, and Uni diplomas with only two week's study.
I got the following in one of those forwarded emails this evening:

Quote:
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas. They hired him because he was so funny.....

WAL-MART APPLICATION

NAME:
Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place ?

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

Wiggle Smilie *****Old People Rock! ***** Wiggle Smilie

Of whom does that Bahamas answer remind you of Morambar, is he your grandfather, father, or did you fib about your age on your membership application? Elf With a Big Grin Smilie
So did he get hired or not? He seems like the ideal candidate to stand-in for Santa during Christmastime.
Hmmm, I'm suspicous, I've seen this before as a MacDonalds application from a teenager. And for the record, I prefer my blondes to be intelligent, and "sexy" is defined as "has nice legs and the standard number of those and other appendages. " Not being dumb is arguable as important as having nice legs. What can I say? I'm the anti-guy: I CAN'T diddle someone I don't respect, much less have a relationship with them (and if that seems backwards, it's due to peer pressure, to the extent I have peers, of course.) ;-p
Quote:
And for the record, I prefer my blondes to be intelligent

That's gotta be the best joke up to now! ;-P
Quote:
So did he get hired or not?
Elk Grinning Smilie Re-read the second line of the quote.

We know you're a leg man Morambar, but we think you were just pulling our legs with your above laudable statement about intelligence being a highly desired attribute. Elf With a Big Grin Smilie
ok so theres this pickle right?>
and this pickle he walks into a store
no he walks into a bar
wait, before he walks into the bar he sees a bannana
ya..thatsa how it goes, so the banna is like dude, youre a pickle and pickles like yep
and so then he goes in the bar
then..umm, i dont really rember what happens now but its pretty funny i think
so anyway, then he goes outside and says hi to the bannana and the bannana and the bannana is like
pickle


Smile Smilie
get it?

wheeeeeeeee
I guess you just have to be in the right mindset. This had me laughing till it hurt. I am so tired........oy
besides how typical of me it is...
I know it's lot - but have a go at reading them....
Quote:
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one..
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Big Laugh Smilie Big Laugh Smilie
I'm not good at jokes but I'll try my best for this one.

There was a vampire that lived on a deserted tropical island. One day he found a lamp, when he rubbed it, a genie came out and offered him three wishes.

(edited by Vee - sorry, you'll just have to wonder about the ending as it is not really Family friendly and we need to stick to the Family Friendly guidelines.)
Mike knew he was in BIG trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

"Tomorrow," his wife angrily told him, "there had better be something in our driveway that goes from zero to 200 in two seconds flat!"

The next morning, she looked outside and saw a small package in the driveway. She brought it inside, opened it... and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Mike have been set for Saturday.
BURN
I have this really good joke. Now, let's see, how did it go, ah, okay, it goes something like this:

A professed and hardened atheist is walking through the woods, enjoying the beauty of nature, when he sees a big grizzly charging towards him. He turns to runs but the bear knocks him down. Standing over the man, it raises it's paw. Just before it swings, the atheist cries "Oh my God!" Time stops, everything freezes. A booming Voice speaks,"Who are you to call on Me? Are you not an atheist? Have you not spent your life denying that I exist, leading people away from Me? And now you expect Me to help you?"
The man replies,"It would be hypocritical of me to acknowledge You now, but could You at least make this bear a Christian?"
"So be it" the Voice said.
Everything went back to normal. The bear lowered his paw, and bowed his head. Putting his front paws together, he prayed,"Bless us, O Lord, and this Thy gift, which I'm about to recieve, from Thy bounty, through Christ our Lord. Amen."
I have an old Edison Cylindrical Recording of The Preacher and the Bear and this last joke reminds me of the punchline of that song recorded near the turn of the last century, where this preacher went fishing on the Sabbath and was being chased by a bear he happened upon.
Quote:
"Oh Lord, if you can't help me, for goodness sake don't you help that bear!"
Elf With a Big Grin Smilie

You can't read this and stay in a bad mood!


1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?

Unique Up On It.


2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?

Tame Way, Unique Up On It.


3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?

They Take The Psycho Path.


4. How Do You Get Holy Water?

You Boil The Hell Out Of It.


5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?

Dam!


6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?

Polaroid's.


7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?

A Stick.


8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?

Nacho Cheese.


9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.


10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?

Quattro Sinko.


11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?

Spoiled Milk.


12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?

Frostbite.


13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?

A Nervous Wreck.


14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?

Anyone Can Roast Beef.


15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?

Right Where You Left Him.


16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?

Because They Have Big Fingers.


17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?

Because It Scares The Dog.


18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?

Sanka.


19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?

The Location Of The Dirt Bag.


20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?

Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.


21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?

A Bad Golfer Goes Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.


22. How Is a TexasTornado And a AlabamaDivorce The Same?

Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer!


Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile!

(They brought tears to my eyes from laughing so hard.)
Quote:
A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.

So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.

The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"
Thought Process Question Smilie

? - I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

? - I had amnesia once - - maybe twice.

? - I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

? - All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.

? - I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

? - If the world was a logical place, Men would ride horses sidesaddle.

? - What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

? - They told me I was gullible... And I believed them.

? - Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

? - Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

? - What if there were no hypothetical questions?

? - One nice thing about egotists... They don't talk about other people.

? - When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

? - A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

? - What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

? - My weight is perfect for my height.... Which varies?

? - I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

? - The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

? - How can there be self-help "groups"?

? - Is there another word for synonym?

? - The speed of time is one second per second.

? - Is it possible to be totally partial?

? - What's another word for thesaurus?

? - Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

? - Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

? - It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

? - Is it my imagination, Or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

? - If a number 2 pencil is the most popular, Why is it still number 2?
Elk Grinning Smilie
Finally, the Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes!

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and
was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde
cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and
was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she
finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture
on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the
policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the
mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you
were a cop."
Elf With a Big Grin Smilie

Once again, Friday the Thirteenth fell on a Tuesday.
Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth, and then rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

I do not subscribe to the above, but did find them funny. Come on Ladies, lets have some from your side, but nose-picking, crotch-scratching Neanderthal examples are off limits. Orc Grinning Smilie
Heh, those were good ones Grondy. Orc Smiling Smilie

Two ballons taking a walk through Mexico, when one shouts to the other: "Watch out, a cactusssssssssssss......."
Moderator Smilie Grondy considers this joke does not meet our Family Friendly guidelines and he has removed it. If the Council thinks otherwise it will be reinstated. Moderator Smilie
I know I've already posted this, but hey, it was 15 or so pages back!

Whats yellow and dangerous....



Shark infested custard!
They're taking the Hobbits to Isengard
When God created woman, he made her beautiful and stupid. Beautiful so that man would fall in love with her and stupid so she would fall in love with him.
"If you do nothing, how do you know when you are finished?"
- I swiped that from Tom & Ray's Car Talk radio program.
HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE

1. Open a new file in your PC .

2. Name it "Housework."

3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN.

4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN.

5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?"

6. Calmly answer, "Yes," and press mouse button firmly......

7. Feel better?
lmao...yes i do feel better now
Quote:
When God created woman, he made her beautiful and stupid. Beautiful so that man would fall in love with her and stupid so she would fall in love with him.


hmmm Vee .... funny
In the Book of Genesis, it says that God put Adam into a deep sleep before taking his rib, but nowhere in the Bible does it say that God woke Adam back up.
Things people actually said in court, "word for word" and they are now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place !!!!

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
W ITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
__ ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
_______________________ _______________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that tim e?
WITNESS: Uh....
_________________________ _____________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
___________________________________ ___
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pur suant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________

And the best for last !!!

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Quote:
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
Thanks Grondy, this is becoming one of my favaourites.

And I remember MAD had a booklet in the sixties called "Snappy answers to Stupid Questions"

Edited Friday 19.01.07
-What's blue and white and stands in middle of a football field?

A fridge in a denim jacket.


"His family wasn't too pleased about our engament," the young girl told her friend, "In fact, his wife was furious!" Big Laugh Smilie
LMFAO that one gud

how about:

60 interesting ways to order pizza

1. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

3. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."

4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

7. When they ask for your phone # give them theirs and see if they notice.

8. Answer their questions with questions.

9. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

10. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.

11. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

12. Stutter on the letter "p."

13. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

15. Change your accent every three seconds.

16. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

18. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.

19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

20. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" See how they respond.

21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

22. Imitate the order taker's voice.

23. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"

26. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.

27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

28. Eliminate verbs from your speech.

29. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

30. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

31. Ask to see a menu.

32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

33. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

34. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

35. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask person taking the order to stop doing that.

36. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

37. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"

38. Psychoanalyze the order taker.

39. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

40. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

41. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.

42. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."

43. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

44. Try to talk while drinking something.

45. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"

46. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

47. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

48. Be vague in your order.

49. Use CB lingo where applicable.

50. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

51. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.

52. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."

53. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.

54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.

55. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.

56. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.

57. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

58. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

59. Put them on hold.

60. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.

Ha Ha Ha Smilie
The young mother skeptically examined a new educational toy. "Isn't it rather complicated for a small boy?" she asked the salesclerk.
"It's designed to adjust the tot to live in today's world, madam," the shop assistant replied. "Any way he tries to put it together is wrong."
Do you know what Santa's little helpers are called??



....Subordinate Clauses! XD
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