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An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger said, "I'm Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player, the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first pack and left the plane.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the former president of the United States, I am also the most ambitious woman in the world and I am a New York Senator and a potential future president." She just took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, George W. Bush, said: "I'm President of the United States of America, I have a great responsibility being the leader of a superpower nation. And above all I'm the cleverest President in American history, so America's people won't let me die." So he put on the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.
The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year-old school boy, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, as a Catholic I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute. The boy said, "It's OK, there's a parachute left for you. America's cleverest President has taken my schoolbag."
Your momma is so ugly she makes blind kids cry
You're Momma so ugly, her doctor is a vet.
You're Momma so ugly, when you went to the zoo they refused to let her out.
I hope no one takes umbrage with these; they aren't meant to be taken personally. We should probably not allow them, but I don't think they at too bad; though they are worse than the one I remember from my youth, "Yo Mamma wears army boots."
Here's one he forwarded me:
Three recently married men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a Woman from Iowa and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Illinois he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and food was on the table.
The third man had married a girl from Idaho. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.
Last is an old favorite of my blonde daughter's:
What's black and blue and lays in the gutter? A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.
I assume those potatoes were blonde?
Maybe I'm not...
Despite the look on my face,
you're still talking?
Don't take life
It isn't permanent.
Let me drop everything
& work on your problem!
Just one more
service I offer
getting married was her idea.
HERE I AM
now what are your other two wishes?
I am not fluent in
so please speak
slowly & clearly
I never make mistakes.
I thought i did once,
but I was mistaken.
I'm only half evil
If a man speaks in the forest,
but there is no woman to hear him,
IS HE STILL WRONG?
to err is human...
but to blame someone else
shows management potential.
The Top Ten Reasons
Some days it's not worth
chewing through the restraints.
go around me
Remeber, you're unique
like everybody else.
is for quitters
Everyone is born right handed.
Only the gifted overcome it.
Who are you and why
are you reading my shirt?
* DEPARTMENT OF *
- DEPARTMENT -
Million on Welfare
Depend on it!
We were thoroughly confused. While transcribing medical
audiotapes, my co-worker came upon the following garbled
diagnosis: "This man has pholenfrometry."
Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she
double-checked with the doctor. After listening to the
tape, he shook his head.
"This man," he said, translating for her, "has fallen from
"How do I get to the other side?" yelled the first blond to the second.
Replied the second blond, "Silly, you already are on the other side."
A famous soccer player parked his brand new porsche outside a gift store and went inside to shop.
About ten minutes later a blonde salesgirl ran up to him shouting, "I just saw someone steal your sports car."
"Did you try to stop him?" asked the soccer player.
"No," said the blonde. "I did better than that, I got the registration number of the car!"
"What do you call a guy who can't walk?"
That's probably not funny.
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,' — Heather Whitestone, Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.' — Mariah Carey
'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,' — Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,'
— Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,' — former Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC
'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,' — A congressional candidate in Texas
'Half this game is ninety percent mental.' — former Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.' — Al Gore, Vice President
'I love California I practically grew up in Phoenix .' — Dan Quayle, former US Vice President
'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?' — Lee Iacocca
'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.' — Joe Theisman, former NFL football quarterback & sports analyst
'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.' — Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.' — Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
'Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas.' — Keppel Enderbery
'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.' — Mark S. Fowler, former FCC Chairman
Note Not all Americans are this uneducated, it just seems we are.
.................................................and a bag of peanuts."
The bartender replied, "Why the big pause?"
Its a groaner, where: pause = paws. Its works better as an audio joke.
"Darling," he says. "Whenever i'm been sick you were by my side, when i had an accident you were by my side, when i was shot you were by my side...."
"Hush," his wife said. "Don't mention it"
The husband answers, "What i meant was that u really are bad luck for me"
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents'
Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'
'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! ' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He got out his hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in.
"Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway."
"Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet."
A little old lady was selling seashells on a street corner.
One afternoon a well-dressed man passed by her, and she grabbed his arm. "How about some nice seashells?" she asked.
"No, thank you," the man replied.
Suddenly the woman clutched her throat and fell to the pavement.
"What's wrong?" asked the man.
"I'm going fast," the old woman wheezed. "Please buy some shells."
Deeply touched, the man handed over enough money for all the shells on her tray just before her eyes slid peacefully shut.
The next day the man was walking down a neighboring street and saw the woman again vending her wares.
"Hey," he yelled to a nearby police officer, "I thought she passed away yesterday."
The officer smiled knowingly, "I'm afraid you've fallen victim to the oldest con in the book. You see ...she sells seashells by the seizure."
"As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it."
We five year olds like an occasional toilet joke.
Once upon a time, there was a young boy, and this young boy was having
his 10th birthday. His father thinking that it was an important day for
his young lad, said to him, 'You can have anything that you want for
The boy thought and thought. Finally, he said to his pop, "Dad, I want a
green golf ball." The man was surprised a bit, but decided to humour his son.
And so, the boy recieved 1 green golf ball for his 10th birthday.
On this boy's 13th birthday, when he hit his teens, the father once again
walked up to the boy, and told him what he had before. The boy thought. And
thought. Finally, he said, "Dad, I want 10 green golf balls." Now, the father
was slightly curious about this, and he almost asked his son why. But then he
decided that it was just youthfulness, and left it at that.
Upon graduating from High School, the boy was once again given that same
offer by his father. He thought and thought and thought. Finally, he went up
to his old man and said, "Dad, I want 100 green golf balls." Now, the father
was very curious about this, and asked his son, finally, why he wanted the
balls. The boy just said, "Dad! It's a secret!" The father backed down, and got
the boy his balls.
When the boy graduated from college, his father once again offered him anything
he wanted. Once again, the boy thought. Once again, the boy walked up to his
father. He said, "Dad, I want 1000 green golf balls." The father decided that
the boy knew how to live his life. But still he asked, "Why, son? Why do you
want these green golf balls?" And once again, the boy said,"It's a secret,
And then came the war. And the boy volunteered himself for his country. And
when he came back in one piece, his father said, "Son, I will get you anything
that you want!" And the boy thought. And thought. And he said, "Dad, I want
10,000 green golfballs." And the father could not hold back his question any
longer. "Why? Why, son? Why do you need these green golf balls?" And the son
looked at thim, and he said,"Dad, now, I told you that it was a secret. Please
don't make me tell you." And the father backed off.
The boy got married. His father walked up to him, and offered him anything he
would want on this joyous occasion. The boy thought and thought and thought.
And thought. And, finally, he said,"Dad... I want 100,000 green golf balls..."
And the father, keeping calm, asked why. Why the boy wanted so many green golf
balls. And all the boy could do was look at his father, and say,"It's a
secret." And the father kept silent.
Then, tragedy struck. There was a car accident. The boy was mortally injured.
And the father went to see the son in his final hour. And he asked his son if
there was anything he could get him. And the son whispered,"Father... Please
get me 1,000,000 green golf balls..." And the father almost wept. He said,"Son,
please tell me why you want these green golf balls..." And the son looked at
his father, and he said, "Alright, dad..."
And then he died.
(I'm guessing the funny bit is that the father will never know what the golf balls were for.)