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Oh goody, a storyboard. Been a while since we had one of these Smile Smilie
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Unfortunately for Gandalf, Saruman had eyes at the back of his head...

"GANDALF!!!" he bellowed. "Explain yourself!"
[Edited on 1/2/2002 by Ungoliant]
"Okay", said Gandalf and stood up in the middle of the circle "My name's Gandalf, and I'm addicted to pipe weed......
"We love you Gandalf" the others intoned.

Galadriel stood up

"I'm a chain pipe smoker. I cant help myself"

She produced a selection of long stemmed, large bowled pipes and cast them onto the table.
"We love you, Galadriel," the others quickly said, fearful of her quick temper. Gandalf stole a glance at Galadriel, and nugded Gwaihir who was perched quietly by his side.

"We love you very much, indeed we do!" they cried in unison.

Suddenly the door swung open and Elrond entered the room. "Sorry I'm late everyone."

'Elrond!' cried Saruman, 'Where the hell have you been? What do you have to say for yourself? Do you not know who I am? I am Saruman the White, the Wisest of all."

Gandalf, hearing this rolled his eyes and said, 'Oh don't worry about that megalomaniac, Elrond, we haven't been waiting long.'

'Well,' said Elrond breathlessly, 'you guys wouldn't believe what I've just heard!'
"What?" everyone chorused.
"Well, you know my daughter? I hear she's developed an Orc fetish and has been off Shagratting with Gorbag!!"
"Eww," Galadriel grimaced, and looked accusingly at Saruman. "This is all your fault you know, for crossing men with Orcs. See what you've done to my granddaughter!"

It's not my fault!" Saruman growled. "It's in her blood, I won't even tell you what her mother did with the Orcs from the Misty Mountains when they captured her!"

Saruman suddenly realised his mistake and looked sheepishly at Elrond. "Ooops?"
Elrond, pretending not to hear, opened his instrument case and selected a brace of highly sharpened scalpels which he preceded to hone, surreptitiously casting dark looks in the direction of Saruman.
Saruman decided it was probably a good time to change the subject....

"So, what do you think that thing in Mirkwood is? A Nazgul? or just an elf gone really bad? or Something Else entirely? "
Having managed to get his pipe fired up, Gandalf says dreamily, 'What,' puff, 'there's something,' puff, 'in Mirkwood,' puff, 'besides black,' puff, 'butterflies,' puff, 'squirrels, puff, 'spiders 'n elvsies?' puff puff.

'Elrond,' say Galadriel, 'I just got this dress back from the cleaners this morning; its going to take weeks to get the smell of his 'baccy out of it. If you have to let him smoke that d*mned stuff, can we at least have some windows open.'

She continues, 'Now you, remember Gandalf dear, what we were talking about last night; about that neck-row whazzit what's settled in Dol Guldur?'

Elrond, who was particularly confused that day, and obviously had other things on his mind, shouted "What! Necrophiliacs! In Mirkwood! Eru help us!!"
Gandalf leaned over to Elrond and whispered in his ear while watching Galadriel wrinkle her nose at his pipeweed, "There was the blonde who was so upset about everything she read about how smoking causes cancer that she finally forced herself to give up reading entirely."

"That doesn't sound to hard a challenge for any blondes we know," Elrond said. "We know they are all Selfish.. Get it... S ' Elfish???"

Gandalf smoked his pipe, "Careful Elrond... you might hurt yourself..."[Edited on 8/2/2002 by swampfaye]
Then there was aterrific noise and one of the wooden beams supporting the ceiling went down in a cloud of white dust.

They all sprang to their feet

Somebody has been eavesdropping all the time! - cried Saruman
"It's the Necrophiliac of Dol Guldur!" Galadriel and Elrond cried in unison.

"Squawk!" cried Gwaihir.

"Close enough!" Galdalf said as he pulled out a figure from the rubble. "It's his servant, Samwise Gamgee! Explain yourself boy!"

Sam started stuttering. "Please sir, I've dropped no.."

"Oh no you don't!" Gandalf interrrupted him. "Don't use that daft line on me, lad!" he shook Sam, and turned him into a spotted toad.
Then, after surreptitiously licking the Toad (yes it was one of *those* Toads) Gandalf chucked it on the fire, along with a can of lighter fuel just to make sure. Everyone cheered and watched happily until Sam Gamgee was no more than ashes. Hooray!!!!
Just at that moment Frodo wondered in. Horrified he picked up the little toad and looked at Gandalf accusingly.

"Who's going to do my garden now?" He cried. "I just bought a whole pallet of primroses!"
"Er Frodo, that's a real toad in your hand. Sam..er..well, he's dead Jim." Elrond pointed to a pile of ashes in the fireplace.

"Oops sorry Frodo." Gandalf attempted to look contrite but failed miserably. "Tell you what - Aragorn is bringing Gollum in for questioning. After I'm done with him, you can have him, howzat?"

"Oh ok then. But only if he's cheap." Frodo said, and left the room.
Just then, a tall, dark, ravishingly handsome Ranger burst into the room.
"Holly cow, i've lost the Gollum!"
"You bloody Idiot!" said gandalf, "what were you doing? checking your hair in Kheled-Zaram again?"
From behind the ranger a small, hairy footed gardener dashes in, scooting between the ranger's long legs.

"Sam!" exclaims Gandalf, the only one to recognise him. Gandalf looks at the little pile of ashes, confused.

"That were really nasty of you Mister Gandalf, sir, if you take my meaning. You aughtent to go killing off useful sidekicks like that! It was lucky that Yavanna was passing-like and bringed me back to life, so as you can all make funna me further. And Mr. Frodo doesn't need Gollum any more, he's got me to look after 'im." Sam marched to Frodo's side and sat down with a defiant stare at Elrond and Gandalf.

Meanwhile, the gorgeous hunk of manhood dressed in rangers clothing, was waiting for someone to take notice of him. He was rather annoyed at being upstaged by a recently re-incarnated halfling.[Edited on 9/2/2002 by Allyssa]
So annoyed he was. that he ran his sword through the useful sidekick. "Aargh!" cried Sam, and died again.

"What did you do that for?" Frodo said, annoyed. "Now I don't have Sam or Gollum."

Aragorn stood over Sam's lifeless body. To the amazement of those that stood by, the body of Sam dissolved into nothing. "That was no longer the cute sidekick you loved, Frodo. Alas, Sam had turned to the Dark Side - he was the apprentice of the Dark Necrophiliac of Dol Guldur." Aragorn said solemnly.

"Well, that's settled then," Elrond said. "What next?"

"We have to drive the Dark Lord from his stronghold!" Gandalf frowned. "But the job is made easier, now that Aragorn has killed his apprentice. Two there always are; the Master and the apprentice - no more, no less."

"But we need a plan." Saruman interrupted, annoyed at being left out again. "Any suggestions?"
From behind the pillars the council heard voices.

"Merry?" one of the voices said.
"What?" the other replied.
"I'm hungry," the first said.
"Sorry Pip, Sam had all our food in his pack."
Just then a figure appeared before them.
"I am Sam the White!" the familiar figure said. "No longer will I garden in the Shire, but we will go together to the Dark Tower and defeat evil with our Trowel of Truth!"
"Aha! Oh no you don't, you won't fool us!" cried Elrond hotly, and was about to turn Sam the White into a platter of lembas when Gandalf grabbed his hand.

"Psst. White is powerful but Black is stronger!" Gandalf whispered. "I know a way to get rid of him" he continued. "Ahem. Well, Sam the White, why don't you go to Dol Guldur first, and start fighting the Necrophiliac. " Gandalf said. "We'll be along shortly."

"Ok then Mister Gandalf, anything you say. " Sam left the room and proceeded to Dol Guldur.

****************
a few hours later, Gandalf & gang were looking anxiously into the palantir at the small figure of Sam standing outside the tower of Dol Guldur

"ZAP!"

"Aargh" cried Sam the White and died again.

"Well done, Gandalf." said Elrond. "That got rid of him. Now how do we get rid of the Necrophiliac? I can tell from here that it's none other than Sauron's twin sister, Sharon, with the fake glasses and moustache job."


"I have a plan to lure her out", said Gandalf with an evil glint in his eye. "Arwen, come here and rub up against Aragorn for a bit would you?"
She duly complied, and when Gandalf felt enough gratuitous rubbing had occurred, he thrust Glamdring through the useless vain git of a Ranger, and cast a spell to ensure quick rigamortis. "Right lads, we've got bait!" he exclaimed....
In the meantime Frodo wondered what to do with his garden.
Finally he decided to employ a young Orc named Gorbag and to change the name of
his estate to Gorbag End.
"Merry?" Pippin said watching the young Orc make a mess of Frodo's garden.
"What is it Pip?" Merry asked.
"Why didn't Frodo hire the Orc named Emmeril? I'm hungry...."
"So am I. Why doesn't Frodo throw another party?" Merry replied.
"Let's go over and ask him."
They went to the door at Gorbag End, and knocked on the door.
KNOCK KNOCK
"Who's there," said Frodo.
"Cows go" said Pippin.
" Cows go who?" asked Frodo from behind the door.
"No, silly! Cows go moo! " Pippin replied.
Meanwhile, in Dol Guldur. A dark, forbidding forest full of black squirrels, spiders and more spiders.

**********************************************

"Psst, quick, let's put him on this sacrificial altar that's conveniently placed within view of the Dark Tower." Elrond said as he dragged the heavy - and dead - body of the ranger along the forest floor.

"Good idea, Elrond!" said Gandalf. "When the Dark Necrophiliac of Dol Guldur comes out, we'll...we'll..er...what's the plan then?"

"I don't know what the plan is, let's ask Galadriel or Saruman." replied Elrond. He turned and crept towards the two figures crouching in the bushes nearby.

"Psst, Saruman, Galadriel - what's the plan again?"
But Galadriel was unable to answer him. She was right in train of a laughing fit.
A large dark squirrel was crouching on her
beautiful white shoulders and tickling her
furiously under both armpits.
" Galadriel!" exclaimed Saruman . Fell light blazed in his smouldering eyes "You are
a traitress! You were NOT supposed to tell
ANY squirrel about our plans!"
The Squirrel laughed at Saruman, kicked him in the voonerables, and ran off with Galadriel under his arm singing a Slade song to her, in the hopes that it would improve his chances.
"Did that squirrel look fake to anyone else?" asked Gandalf....
'Looks plasticky to me." said Elrond. "What do we do now?"

The remaining Council member sat and thought, but they couldn't think of a way to save Galadriel from the evil Plastic Squirrel. They were about to give and go home until Elrond slapped his thigh.

"I know! Iarwen Ben-Adar!" he exclaimed, and sang a rhyme.

"Ho! Tom Bombadil, Tom Bombadillo!
By water, wood and hill, by the reed and willow,
By fire, sun and moon, harken now and hear us!
Come Tom Bombadil, for our need is near us!
"

"Help us Iarwen Ben-Adar, you are our only hope!" the others chimed in.

They turned their backs to the dead body of the Ranger ... and so they did not notice that a large hole opened in the forest's floor and three small shadows jumped out of it.
They were of course Gorbag the Orc, and Merry, and Pippin! To tell you the truth, Gorbag wanted to be employed by Frodo only in order to dig a long tunnel connecting directly Gorbag End with Dol Guldur. And he succeeded to do that very quickly!
And now they were all there... in a nick of time! It was some sort of evil Orc magic I'm afraid...
"Merry" exclaimed Pippin 'How great! I'm still so hungry... and look, here is a dead body of Aragorn!'
"Surely you don't want to eat our friend Aragorn!" exclaimed Merry, horrified.
"No, of course not" said Pippin, VERY indignant "I only thought that he might still have some lembas in his pockets! Let's have a look!"
But at this very moment Tom Bombadil appeared among them whistling softly to himself...
Just then Legolas jumped out of the hole and shouted: "Bombaldi, come back with my maigc mirror and tell your freaky wife to stop copying my hair do!!"
In the meantime, The squirrel had returned to his lair (or drey if you're being picky) and was busy plying Galadriel with Tequila Sunrises.
"So, what's a nice elf like you doing in a murky old wood like this?" he said
Galadriel just giggled girlishly, and flicked her hair about a bit. The Squirrel put on a Marvin Gaye record and went back to his book of a million cocktails and crap lines....
'You must be tired, Galadie- can i call you that? - cos you've been running through my mind all day.'
and at that Galadriel emptied the entire contents of her stomach on his face and left.
*****************************

And back in Bombadil's house, Goldberry heard from Gandalf that Legolas had been going around spreading vicious rumours about her and calling her 'freaky'.

'What?! That son-of-a-b*tch! I'll teach him a lesson- that tramp- wait till everyone hears that i caught him trying on of my wedding dress!'

'Hm.. really?' murmured Gandalf looking surprised, stroking his beard thoughtfully.
Poor Galadriel was running quickly in the dark, dark forest, still feeling very weak and dizzy.
The Squirrel kept to utter very dark Squirrel curses during at least half an hour and then took a shower.
A cold shower.
Bombadil eyes Legolas threateningly - in a most un-Bombadil way.

Meanwhile, Elrond and Gandalf are still trying to decide what to do...

"Maybe you shouldn't have killed him Gandalf, he was the last remaining heir of Gondor. We might have needed him later."

Gandalf stroked his beard and tried to think of some necormancy spells for bringing corpses back to life.

Galadriel reappeared nearby, panting from such a long and vigorous run through the forest. After wiping her mouth on Gandalf's beard, she roughly searches Elrond's person for something strong to drink....
Saruman sudenly remembered something. "It wasn't necrophiliac, it was Necromancer! How could we forget that? Gandalf, that's just what we need to get Aragorn back, ring the doorbell would you?"
"Er...which doorbell O Saruman the White?" said Gandalf, slowly backing away.

"WEll, One doorbell rings to the necromancer and one ringscertain death," Gandalf said. "But I can't remember which one is which."

Just then Sam appeared and offered to ring the doorbell. "Back from the dead again?" Gandalf asked. "I need to ring these doorbells, but I'm too old and tired. Ring it them both for me, will you?"

Sam did so gladly.

Sam burst into flames and crumbled into a pile of ash.

"Oh no!" Cried Saruman, "You killed Sammy! "
"Sure, but he'll be back again just like a bad penny," said Gandalf. "You can't keep a good hobbit down. Have you noticed how he appears on the scene just when we need him the most. I think I'll start calling him 'Just-In-Time-Sam'."

"Oh well, Saruman muttered, "it was for a good cause. I think I hear footsteps approaching the door."
There was a faint metallic clatter, some scraping and cursing, and then the mechanical clunking of a large lock disengaging. The pondorous solid stone door swung backwards with a grating sound that set everyone's teeth on edge. The door was at least two feet thick, making it an engineering improbability, but it functioned anyhow.

The doorway opened into a blackness so deep, they imagined that it was a portal to the Void. Except for one thing....

A small balding little man imerged, sneezed, then blew his nose noisilly on a crinkled handkerchief.

"I am the necromancer," he announced after wiping his glasses. "What do you want of me?"

Elrond and Gandalf cast doubtful looks at one another. Galadriel grinned.
But at the same time Sam reappeared again in the midst of the throng, together with
a very tall and fear-inspiring grey shadow holding firmly his hand.
- Mandos! - exclaimed Galadriel - You... here? You... you have left your lofty halls in
the West?
- Yea - quoth Mandos grimly and then returned to the Common Speech - Please folks
do NOT keep send me this here Sam all the time!
- Why? - asked Gandalf much surprised - I always thought you LIKED receiving new spirits
for your collection!
- Why?- snapped Mandos - And it's you Olorin who dares to ask that question?
You who are the source of the whole problem? For don't hope to hide from me that it
was you who transformed this here Sam into a Spotted Toad!
- I frankly admit it was me - said Gandalf firmly - But where is the problem?
- The problem is difficult indeed - said Mandos coldly - For now I cannot decide to
what kindred he should be joined: to Hobbits or to Spotted Toads. And he himself
does not want to make his choice. And I simply cannot decide quickly in such
an important matter - I must observe him, at least during a fortnight!
So please NO KILLING of this one during 15 days at least!
- Fifteen days - muttered Gandalf thoughtfully - Fifteen days!!! This is a cruel, cruel world!
At this moment Lady Sharon popoed out from behind the back of her dear friend
the Necromancer...
"Eeek!" cried everyone, and ran behind Mandos.

Everyone, that is, except for Sam, who bravely walked up to the Lady Sharon. "I'll not let you harm these people, m'lady, not if I can help it! Begone, you foul spirit!" and poked her in the tummy.

Unfortunately for Sam, the Lady Sharon could drain the life force from anyone who touched her.

"Argh!" cried Sam, and died again.

Mandos was furious. "I said NO ONE MUST KILL HIM!" he yelled. "DID YOU NOT HEAR WHAT I JUST SAID? You shall pay for your disobedience, Sharon! Your life had been forfeited, come with me to the Halls of Mandos!"

Sam reappeared yet again, having once again been sent back for being an annoying little sh*te. "Okay then" said Gandalf, "You remember back when we were playing russian Roulette with Legolas's Bow?"

"Yes" replied Sam " and you said it wasn't particularly difficult to tell whether there was an arrow in it or not, so we shouldn't play, as people kept being killed."

"Exactly" said Gandalf, "Sam?"
"Yes Gandalf"
"Play it again"
But Legolas refused to give his Bow to Sam.
"I need it for myself" he told "I must keep an eye on Tom Bombadil. You all know that he
is perilous!"
In the meantime Pippin and Merry found some lembas in the pocket of Aragorn but
they were no good (too much soaked in blood...).
However, before having departed with Mandos, Lady Sharon told them that she has
some delightful honeycakes on her kitchen table and in a most hospitable fashion
asked them all to come in and have a go.
Merry and Pippin accepted this most kind and gracious offer with grateful hearts and
entered very promptly the Dark Door of Dol Guldur.
Galadriel also was very hungry after her cruel time with the wicked Plastic Squirrel and
she came as well (and you must remember that she was always VERY fond of honeycakes!)
And the Necromancer made them all a most delightful hot tea... mmm... its flavour,
so sweet and heart stirring, roused in them all their most noble longings and
awakened all their most dear memories ...
But then, suddenly...
Legolas screamed. "ZITS!!!!" as he looked into his magic mirror (which, we remember he stole back from Goldberry). "Blemishes on my beautiful face. I thought you were supposed to be rid of zits after you reached 1000." He started weeping uncontrolably.

Sam took pitty on him and looked into the mirror. "You don't have a zit," Sam said, and he cleaned off the mirror. "someone has put a little berry juice on your mirror."
High above their heads, in total darkness, they heard a VERY wicked chuckle and then a small dark figure jumped down. Ir was the Dark Squirrel, still wet after having had his cold shower, and in his hand there was a huge Folding Bucket* full of strawberry juice.
"Ai!" wailed Legolas "It's a Squirrel! Squirrel! Squirrel comes! Woe on us! Ai!"
Sam was also very afraid but said nothing. After all, he already was so much habituated to dying, and he adored passing (as a spirit) to the Halls of Mandos! That always meant a new passage over Belegaer the Great Sea and a chance to have a sight of a Great Sperm Whale, or a Humpback Whale, or a Blue Whale, or even a Red Spotted Whale All Covered With Green Speckles and Stripes.. and all these monsters were SO much more interesting than the Oliphaunt!
At the same time Saruman popped out of the door of Necromancer's little cosy fortress...
"The Squirrel!" exclaimed the old wizard sternly " What do you want to do with this strawberry juice?"
"Why, is this not obvious?" laughed the wicked Squirrel "Galadriel emptied the contents of her stomach on my lovely dark fur. Now I will empty the contents of this Folding Bucket on her lovely golden hair!"
"Oh no, you won't!" exclaimed Sam, indignant, and jumped forward, ready to defend Galadriel by his life or death.
Unfortunately for him, the Squirrel did not know about the Orders of Mandos. He laughed in a fey manner and drowned poor Sam in his Folding Bucket full of strawberry juice.
Sam died quickly with a happy smile on his lips and kept licking them even when his spirit was already half his way over the Belegaer the Great Sea.
"What did you do, fool?" shouted Saruman in rage "Mandos will be here in a nick of time, and he is the enemy beyond the strength of any of you! Fly, fools, fly!"
The Squirrel obeyed and taking Legolas by his hand jumped quickly into the large gaping entrance of the tunnel leading to Gorbag End.
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