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So annoyed he was. that he ran his sword through the useful sidekick. "Aargh!" cried Sam, and died again.

"What did you do that for?" Frodo said, annoyed. "Now I don't have Sam or Gollum."

Aragorn stood over Sam's lifeless body. To the amazement of those that stood by, the body of Sam dissolved into nothing. "That was no longer the cute sidekick you loved, Frodo. Alas, Sam had turned to the Dark Side - he was the apprentice of the Dark Necrophiliac of Dol Guldur." Aragorn said solemnly.

"Well, that's settled then," Elrond said. "What next?"

"We have to drive the Dark Lord from his stronghold!" Gandalf frowned. "But the job is made easier, now that Aragorn has killed his apprentice. Two there always are; the Master and the apprentice - no more, no less."

"But we need a plan." Saruman interrupted, annoyed at being left out again. "Any suggestions?"
From behind the pillars the council heard voices.

"Merry?" one of the voices said.
"What?" the other replied.
"I'm hungry," the first said.
"Sorry Pip, Sam had all our food in his pack."
Just then a figure appeared before them.
"I am Sam the White!" the familiar figure said. "No longer will I garden in the Shire, but we will go together to the Dark Tower and defeat evil with our Trowel of Truth!"
"Aha! Oh no you don't, you won't fool us!" cried Elrond hotly, and was about to turn Sam the White into a platter of lembas when Gandalf grabbed his hand.

"Psst. White is powerful but Black is stronger!" Gandalf whispered. "I know a way to get rid of him" he continued. "Ahem. Well, Sam the White, why don't you go to Dol Guldur first, and start fighting the Necrophiliac. " Gandalf said. "We'll be along shortly."

"Ok then Mister Gandalf, anything you say. " Sam left the room and proceeded to Dol Guldur.

****************
a few hours later, Gandalf & gang were looking anxiously into the palantir at the small figure of Sam standing outside the tower of Dol Guldur

"ZAP!"

"Aargh" cried Sam the White and died again.

"Well done, Gandalf." said Elrond. "That got rid of him. Now how do we get rid of the Necrophiliac? I can tell from here that it's none other than Sauron's twin sister, Sharon, with the fake glasses and moustache job."


"I have a plan to lure her out", said Gandalf with an evil glint in his eye. "Arwen, come here and rub up against Aragorn for a bit would you?"
She duly complied, and when Gandalf felt enough gratuitous rubbing had occurred, he thrust Glamdring through the useless vain git of a Ranger, and cast a spell to ensure quick rigamortis. "Right lads, we've got bait!" he exclaimed....
In the meantime Frodo wondered what to do with his garden.
Finally he decided to employ a young Orc named Gorbag and to change the name of
his estate to Gorbag End.
"Merry?" Pippin said watching the young Orc make a mess of Frodo's garden.
"What is it Pip?" Merry asked.
"Why didn't Frodo hire the Orc named Emmeril? I'm hungry...."
"So am I. Why doesn't Frodo throw another party?" Merry replied.
"Let's go over and ask him."
They went to the door at Gorbag End, and knocked on the door.
KNOCK KNOCK
"Who's there," said Frodo.
"Cows go" said Pippin.
" Cows go who?" asked Frodo from behind the door.
"No, silly! Cows go moo! " Pippin replied.
Meanwhile, in Dol Guldur. A dark, forbidding forest full of black squirrels, spiders and more spiders.

**********************************************

"Psst, quick, let's put him on this sacrificial altar that's conveniently placed within view of the Dark Tower." Elrond said as he dragged the heavy - and dead - body of the ranger along the forest floor.

"Good idea, Elrond!" said Gandalf. "When the Dark Necrophiliac of Dol Guldur comes out, we'll...we'll..er...what's the plan then?"

"I don't know what the plan is, let's ask Galadriel or Saruman." replied Elrond. He turned and crept towards the two figures crouching in the bushes nearby.

"Psst, Saruman, Galadriel - what's the plan again?"
But Galadriel was unable to answer him. She was right in train of a laughing fit.
A large dark squirrel was crouching on her
beautiful white shoulders and tickling her
furiously under both armpits.
" Galadriel!" exclaimed Saruman . Fell light blazed in his smouldering eyes "You are
a traitress! You were NOT supposed to tell
ANY squirrel about our plans!"
The Squirrel laughed at Saruman, kicked him in the voonerables, and ran off with Galadriel under his arm singing a Slade song to her, in the hopes that it would improve his chances.
"Did that squirrel look fake to anyone else?" asked Gandalf....
'Looks plasticky to me." said Elrond. "What do we do now?"

The remaining Council member sat and thought, but they couldn't think of a way to save Galadriel from the evil Plastic Squirrel. They were about to give and go home until Elrond slapped his thigh.

"I know! Iarwen Ben-Adar!" he exclaimed, and sang a rhyme.

"Ho! Tom Bombadil, Tom Bombadillo!
By water, wood and hill, by the reed and willow,
By fire, sun and moon, harken now and hear us!
Come Tom Bombadil, for our need is near us!
"

"Help us Iarwen Ben-Adar, you are our only hope!" the others chimed in.

They turned their backs to the dead body of the Ranger ... and so they did not notice that a large hole opened in the forest's floor and three small shadows jumped out of it.
They were of course Gorbag the Orc, and Merry, and Pippin! To tell you the truth, Gorbag wanted to be employed by Frodo only in order to dig a long tunnel connecting directly Gorbag End with Dol Guldur. And he succeeded to do that very quickly!
And now they were all there... in a nick of time! It was some sort of evil Orc magic I'm afraid...
"Merry" exclaimed Pippin 'How great! I'm still so hungry... and look, here is a dead body of Aragorn!'
"Surely you don't want to eat our friend Aragorn!" exclaimed Merry, horrified.
"No, of course not" said Pippin, VERY indignant "I only thought that he might still have some lembas in his pockets! Let's have a look!"
But at this very moment Tom Bombadil appeared among them whistling softly to himself...
Just then Legolas jumped out of the hole and shouted: "Bombaldi, come back with my maigc mirror and tell your freaky wife to stop copying my hair do!!"
In the meantime, The squirrel had returned to his lair (or drey if you're being picky) and was busy plying Galadriel with Tequila Sunrises.
"So, what's a nice elf like you doing in a murky old wood like this?" he said
Galadriel just giggled girlishly, and flicked her hair about a bit. The Squirrel put on a Marvin Gaye record and went back to his book of a million cocktails and crap lines....
'You must be tired, Galadie- can i call you that? - cos you've been running through my mind all day.'
and at that Galadriel emptied the entire contents of her stomach on his face and left.
*****************************

And back in Bombadil's house, Goldberry heard from Gandalf that Legolas had been going around spreading vicious rumours about her and calling her 'freaky'.

'What?! That son-of-a-b*tch! I'll teach him a lesson- that tramp- wait till everyone hears that i caught him trying on of my wedding dress!'

'Hm.. really?' murmured Gandalf looking surprised, stroking his beard thoughtfully.
Poor Galadriel was running quickly in the dark, dark forest, still feeling very weak and dizzy.
The Squirrel kept to utter very dark Squirrel curses during at least half an hour and then took a shower.
A cold shower.
Bombadil eyes Legolas threateningly - in a most un-Bombadil way.

Meanwhile, Elrond and Gandalf are still trying to decide what to do...

"Maybe you shouldn't have killed him Gandalf, he was the last remaining heir of Gondor. We might have needed him later."

Gandalf stroked his beard and tried to think of some necormancy spells for bringing corpses back to life.

Galadriel reappeared nearby, panting from such a long and vigorous run through the forest. After wiping her mouth on Gandalf's beard, she roughly searches Elrond's person for something strong to drink....
Saruman sudenly remembered something. "It wasn't necrophiliac, it was Necromancer! How could we forget that? Gandalf, that's just what we need to get Aragorn back, ring the doorbell would you?"
"Er...which doorbell O Saruman the White?" said Gandalf, slowly backing away.

"WEll, One doorbell rings to the necromancer and one ringscertain death," Gandalf said. "But I can't remember which one is which."

Just then Sam appeared and offered to ring the doorbell. "Back from the dead again?" Gandalf asked. "I need to ring these doorbells, but I'm too old and tired. Ring it them both for me, will you?"

Sam did so gladly.

Sam burst into flames and crumbled into a pile of ash.

"Oh no!" Cried Saruman, "You killed Sammy! "
"Sure, but he'll be back again just like a bad penny," said Gandalf. "You can't keep a good hobbit down. Have you noticed how he appears on the scene just when we need him the most. I think I'll start calling him 'Just-In-Time-Sam'."

"Oh well, Saruman muttered, "it was for a good cause. I think I hear footsteps approaching the door."
There was a faint metallic clatter, some scraping and cursing, and then the mechanical clunking of a large lock disengaging. The pondorous solid stone door swung backwards with a grating sound that set everyone's teeth on edge. The door was at least two feet thick, making it an engineering improbability, but it functioned anyhow.

The doorway opened into a blackness so deep, they imagined that it was a portal to the Void. Except for one thing....

A small balding little man imerged, sneezed, then blew his nose noisilly on a crinkled handkerchief.

"I am the necromancer," he announced after wiping his glasses. "What do you want of me?"

Elrond and Gandalf cast doubtful looks at one another. Galadriel grinned.
But at the same time Sam reappeared again in the midst of the throng, together with
a very tall and fear-inspiring grey shadow holding firmly his hand.
- Mandos! - exclaimed Galadriel - You... here? You... you have left your lofty halls in
the West?
- Yea - quoth Mandos grimly and then returned to the Common Speech - Please folks
do NOT keep send me this here Sam all the time!
- Why? - asked Gandalf much surprised - I always thought you LIKED receiving new spirits
for your collection!
- Why?- snapped Mandos - And it's you Olorin who dares to ask that question?
You who are the source of the whole problem? For don't hope to hide from me that it
was you who transformed this here Sam into a Spotted Toad!
- I frankly admit it was me - said Gandalf firmly - But where is the problem?
- The problem is difficult indeed - said Mandos coldly - For now I cannot decide to
what kindred he should be joined: to Hobbits or to Spotted Toads. And he himself
does not want to make his choice. And I simply cannot decide quickly in such
an important matter - I must observe him, at least during a fortnight!
So please NO KILLING of this one during 15 days at least!
- Fifteen days - muttered Gandalf thoughtfully - Fifteen days!!! This is a cruel, cruel world!
At this moment Lady Sharon popoed out from behind the back of her dear friend
the Necromancer...
"Eeek!" cried everyone, and ran behind Mandos.

Everyone, that is, except for Sam, who bravely walked up to the Lady Sharon. "I'll not let you harm these people, m'lady, not if I can help it! Begone, you foul spirit!" and poked her in the tummy.

Unfortunately for Sam, the Lady Sharon could drain the life force from anyone who touched her.

"Argh!" cried Sam, and died again.

Mandos was furious. "I said NO ONE MUST KILL HIM!" he yelled. "DID YOU NOT HEAR WHAT I JUST SAID? You shall pay for your disobedience, Sharon! Your life had been forfeited, come with me to the Halls of Mandos!"

Sam reappeared yet again, having once again been sent back for being an annoying little sh*te. "Okay then" said Gandalf, "You remember back when we were playing russian Roulette with Legolas's Bow?"

"Yes" replied Sam " and you said it wasn't particularly difficult to tell whether there was an arrow in it or not, so we shouldn't play, as people kept being killed."

"Exactly" said Gandalf, "Sam?"
"Yes Gandalf"
"Play it again"
But Legolas refused to give his Bow to Sam.
"I need it for myself" he told "I must keep an eye on Tom Bombadil. You all know that he
is perilous!"
In the meantime Pippin and Merry found some lembas in the pocket of Aragorn but
they were no good (too much soaked in blood...).
However, before having departed with Mandos, Lady Sharon told them that she has
some delightful honeycakes on her kitchen table and in a most hospitable fashion
asked them all to come in and have a go.
Merry and Pippin accepted this most kind and gracious offer with grateful hearts and
entered very promptly the Dark Door of Dol Guldur.
Galadriel also was very hungry after her cruel time with the wicked Plastic Squirrel and
she came as well (and you must remember that she was always VERY fond of honeycakes!)
And the Necromancer made them all a most delightful hot tea... mmm... its flavour,
so sweet and heart stirring, roused in them all their most noble longings and
awakened all their most dear memories ...
But then, suddenly...
Legolas screamed. "ZITS!!!!" as he looked into his magic mirror (which, we remember he stole back from Goldberry). "Blemishes on my beautiful face. I thought you were supposed to be rid of zits after you reached 1000." He started weeping uncontrolably.

Sam took pitty on him and looked into the mirror. "You don't have a zit," Sam said, and he cleaned off the mirror. "someone has put a little berry juice on your mirror."
High above their heads, in total darkness, they heard a VERY wicked chuckle and then a small dark figure jumped down. Ir was the Dark Squirrel, still wet after having had his cold shower, and in his hand there was a huge Folding Bucket* full of strawberry juice.
"Ai!" wailed Legolas "It's a Squirrel! Squirrel! Squirrel comes! Woe on us! Ai!"
Sam was also very afraid but said nothing. After all, he already was so much habituated to dying, and he adored passing (as a spirit) to the Halls of Mandos! That always meant a new passage over Belegaer the Great Sea and a chance to have a sight of a Great Sperm Whale, or a Humpback Whale, or a Blue Whale, or even a Red Spotted Whale All Covered With Green Speckles and Stripes.. and all these monsters were SO much more interesting than the Oliphaunt!
At the same time Saruman popped out of the door of Necromancer's little cosy fortress...
"The Squirrel!" exclaimed the old wizard sternly " What do you want to do with this strawberry juice?"
"Why, is this not obvious?" laughed the wicked Squirrel "Galadriel emptied the contents of her stomach on my lovely dark fur. Now I will empty the contents of this Folding Bucket on her lovely golden hair!"
"Oh no, you won't!" exclaimed Sam, indignant, and jumped forward, ready to defend Galadriel by his life or death.
Unfortunately for him, the Squirrel did not know about the Orders of Mandos. He laughed in a fey manner and drowned poor Sam in his Folding Bucket full of strawberry juice.
Sam died quickly with a happy smile on his lips and kept licking them even when his spirit was already half his way over the Belegaer the Great Sea.
"What did you do, fool?" shouted Saruman in rage "Mandos will be here in a nick of time, and he is the enemy beyond the strength of any of you! Fly, fools, fly!"
The Squirrel obeyed and taking Legolas by his hand jumped quickly into the large gaping entrance of the tunnel leading to Gorbag End.
But less than a minute later, he returned behind a tall, grey angry figure who was leading him by the hand.

"Thou hast awoken my ire, sable squirrel. Now feelest the consequences!"

"Huh?" said the squirrel

"Oh, you killed the hobbit again, and you're in really deep s**t"

"Oh, now I understand" said the squirrel, "Ooops, thats not good is it?"

Mandos raised his hand, and a bolt of lightning struck......
.....Sam!

It seemed that Mandos had brought Sam to life again! And poor Sam was standing behind the Squirrel, who, unfortunately, ducked when Mandos chucked his lightning bolt.

Everyone gasped.

"Mandos!" Gandalf exclaimed, horrified. "You killed Sam!"

[Edited on 5/3/2002 by Ungoliant]
"Oh no" groaned Mandos "Oh no" and then he collapsed on the forest floor weeping uncontrollably.
"Give him a handkerchief" commanded Gandalf "And now, let's decide what to do about our Aragorn! He must come back to the Lands of Living!"
He stopped and then continued calmly, but with much spirit
"We have now two ways before us. Do you already guess what are these ways?"
But nobody guessed. They were silent (even the Sable Squirrel!).
"Why, you are not overbright today!" snapped Gandalf "Well. one obvious way is to ask the Necromancer to bring him back to life by his foul arts".
"Oh yes!" exclaimed Pippin "A very good idea!"
"Silence, young Took!" snapped Gandalf again "I did not finish yet! Listen to me! This is an obvious way. But there is yet a second way. A dark, dangerous way".
Everybody was silent.
"Name it" told Galadriel at last.. She was pale as a niphredil and her lips were trembling like an aspen.
Gandalf raised his head. In his eyes there was a flicker of green fire.
"We must ask Mandos to release his spirit from the Halls of Waiting" said he.
But at that very moment Mandos groaned and stirred...
Mandos sat up and glanced around tearfully at the assemblidge. He produced a handkerchief and blew his nose noisily.

The others nominated Galadriel as the spokesperson. She trembled and faced the great figure, as the others ducked for cover.

"Great Lord," she began, "Wilt thou grant a boon?"

"Whadda ya want?" Mandos grumbled sulkily.

"We require the aid of one who has passed your halls recently. Aragorn son of Arathorn."

Mandos sniffed. " I don't normally do refunds on request. Alright then, since I'm feeling kind of vulnerable and loveless at the moment...."

There was a poof and a snap and a groan escaped what was, a moment before, a corpse. The has been corpse sat up and said....
"Where is Arwen?"
"Why, he is back already!" exclaimed Gandalf, greatly relieved "Thank you, Mandos... thank you!"
"Ohhh" wailed Mandos "But I'm still feeling sooo unhappy about Sam!..."
"No need, really no need" said the Necromancer cheerfully "It's so simple, you must just release him once more from your Halls".
Mandos sobbed.
"But I cannot release somebody who was killed by ME! It's against the law!"
They were all silent.
"Don't worry" said the Necromancer at last and patted Mandos reassuringly on his back "In such case I will bring him back to life with my foul arts".
"Thank you, my friend" sobbed Mandos and collapsed again on the forest floor.
"Actually, it's very simple" said the Necromancer and smiled "I need only..."
Three thimbles, two empty cardboard tubes, a haddock and twenty quid.
"Not to mention the entire cast of gifts from 'A Partridge in a Pear Tree. Oh, and also the blood of a virgin agronomist," quoth the Necromancer.
Gandalf waves his staff and all the ingredients appear.

"Wow, neat trick Gandy!" said Elrond.

Gandalf grinned and winked at him.
"So I can begin my work!" said the Necromancer happily and began to whistle.
A cloud of horrible putrid smell enveloped the whole company and then in the midst of the cloud Sam reappeared again, very hot and dishevelled.
"Already!" shouted Mandos and jumped to his feet "But, anyway, I can see now that there was really no need to summon him back to life. I can see now clearly that he should be numbered among the Spotted Toads!".
Poor Sam started to cry.
"Oh no, I don't want! Can't anybody help me?"
But everybody was too much relieved to get rid of him at last. Except Strider.
"Don't be afraid, Sam!" cried Aragorn "Hold on! I'm coming!"
And he jumped lightly from the stone table on the forest floor.
Heard a squish and looked down. There surrounding is right boot was nothing out of the ordinary. But when he looked at his other one, the wrong boot; surrounding it was a mass of greenish-brown, gelatinous, goop which was once Sam. "Oops, sorry!" he said, "Seems I'm always putting my foot into it." And he proceeded to clean his boot using the hem of Saruman's robe.
"Oh no" wailed Aragorn "What did I do? A madness took me, but it's over! Sam! Sam, come back... You trusted me... and I squeezed you with my left boot! It is I that failed. I am unworthy to be the King of both Arnor and Gondor!"
He sat for a while in total silence, with his head bowed on his breast. And then he raised again his pale haggard face.
"Gandalf, my friend" said he "Convert ME now into a Spotted Toad. And then kill me. I must go and join Sam. Otherwise he will feel so lonely, joined for eternity to the Kindred of Spotted Toads!"
"Are you sure, Aragorn, that you desire that doom indeed?" asked Gandalf softly, looking at him with profound pity. Galadriel wept openly, and even the Necromancer looked a little gloomy.
"Yes" said Aragorn firmly.
"But what about Arwen, you young rascal?! exclaimed Elrond angrily and clenched his fists.
"Arwen?" asked Aragorn raising his eyebrows and smiling "Oh she will follow me everywhere! I'm sure that she will ask Gandalf to convert her also into a Spotted Toad!".
"I'm not sure if he is doing the right thing" muttered Pippin to himself "I have another idea..."[Edited on 12/3/2002 by Eryan]
The Necromancer brings Sam back to life again, and immediately sends him back to Rivendel, to be locked in a secure cellar, well out of harms way.

"Oh thank God!" Exclaims Gandalf, "Watching Sam die over and over was getting a little BORING."

Elrond, in a sudden return to lucidity and sanity, draws an ancient sword from somewhere hitherto unnoticed. He stabs the Necromancer through the chest.

Everyone danced with glee until they had forgotten what they were happy about.

"I want to go home." Wails Galadriel. "It is dark and grotty here."

"Wait on, we have to clean up first" said Gandalf.

The group proceed into the labyrinth of underground dungeons of Dol Guldur. They find an interesting selection of prisoners....
The most interesting of all prisoners was a middle aged fat yellow cat with large bright red wings.
"Hello" he said "Do you know who I am? I am a Balrog!"
"Oh, he is mad" said Elrond sadly " Do not make any attention to him, he is a pitiful vistim of the Necromancer".
"No, I am a Balrog" insisted the cat "Release me from my bonds and I will show you how I can spit fire!"
"Will we release him?" asked Galadriel gravely "Is it really safe?"
"Oh, yes" said Aragorn nonchalantly "I can handle him all right. Let's release him!"
And then...
TOAST

Pippin: "Hey Merry, how dark do you like your breakfast bread, er Aragorn? Today it will require at least three dwarves using their axes, to scrape away all the char, such that it might be eatable, er to see that it is Aragorn."

Narrator: "Let that be a lesson to you, kiddies, don't meddle in the affairs of wizards, an once of kindness once released can come back to bite you with a scorching 10,000 BTU's."

Galadriel: "I thought you said it was safe?"

Elrond: "Oh, the Balrog was perfectly safe."*

Gandalf: "Let's see what's in the next cell. Why its..."




*This gag came courtesy the late Douglas Adams.
... it's Legolas! How did he get there?"
"We must free him" said Galadriel "And he will explain us!"
"Do you really think it's him?" asked Gandalf, frowning "He should have been all smeared with strawberry juice. And this Elf is so very clean! I fear some trap..."
And then...
Galadriel rolled her eyes and said, "Don't be so paranoid, you old geezer."

And they entered the cell Galadriel leading, because Gandalf in addition to being chivalrous, was cautious. Just as Galadriel was brushing down the skirt of her immaculate white-on-white embroidered gown, the bucket tipped, dousing her with three gallons of strawberry daiquiri.

"Oh good," said the thirsty Legolas and Gandalf in unison, getting their tongues ready to lick.

"Don't even think about it!", snarled Galadriel trying to wipe the sticky substance from her hair and face. "Just let me get my hands on that 'Fool of a Took'; I'll teach him to break into my liquor cabinet and waste my rum. Why couldn't he have made this a 'Chihuahua*,' that would have gone much better with this frock."

"Right!" said Gandalf with a smirk, "Okay Legolas, what are you doing here?

And Legolas began...




*Chihuahua = Pour 2 oz. tequila over ice, fill with grapefruit juice.
Just after the cell door swung open, Legolas exploded and turned into ... a Balrog!

"Oh, No" wailed Gandalf, "Not again"

The Balrog lashed out its whip, caught Gandalf around the knees and then lept into a nearby chasm.

"Fly you fools...." came Gandalf's last words.


"oh bother" said Galadriel "And I worked all night on those robes of his. Does he think that elven-silk grows on trees?"

But just then, there is a calamour from the next cell....
Galadriel opened that cell and, well, there was another Balrog there!!!
"Fly you fools" he shouted and showed all his 454 fiery teeth.
"Oh no" moaned Galadriel "Balrogs and Balrogs! Why ever did we kill the Necromancer! He seemed to have been on our side, it seems, after all!"
"Don't worry" said a soft voice just behind her back.
Galadriel jumped.
"Why, that's him! The Necromancer! Alive again! How did you come back to life so soon?".
"By my foul arts" said Necromancer and smiled. But then...
The Balrog started to grow all red and pink and purple and green. He opened his wide mouth and from between his 454 fiery teeth appeared Gandalf's head! "Finally! Light!" he breathed. And so the Balrog died.
All were happy, except the Necromancer, who...
... was very profoundly unhappy because he just realised that his dear sister is in the Halls of Mandos...
"Oh my dear sister! How lonely she must feel there!" he sobbed.
Galadriel's mood softened.
"Please don't weep so! We will release her! However, we must first finish to release YOUR prisoners!"
The Necromancer raised his head.
"But... why do you want to RELEASE them? I took such an amount of time to capture them all... "
"Well, prisoners are always supposed to be released, aren't they?" asked Galadriel gaily.
And then the Balrog...
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