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But less than a minute later, he returned behind a tall, grey angry figure who was leading him by the hand.

"Thou hast awoken my ire, sable squirrel. Now feelest the consequences!"

"Huh?" said the squirrel

"Oh, you killed the hobbit again, and you're in really deep s**t"

"Oh, now I understand" said the squirrel, "Ooops, thats not good is it?"

Mandos raised his hand, and a bolt of lightning struck......
.....Sam!

It seemed that Mandos had brought Sam to life again! And poor Sam was standing behind the Squirrel, who, unfortunately, ducked when Mandos chucked his lightning bolt.

Everyone gasped.

"Mandos!" Gandalf exclaimed, horrified. "You killed Sam!"

[Edited on 5/3/2002 by Ungoliant]
"Oh no" groaned Mandos "Oh no" and then he collapsed on the forest floor weeping uncontrollably.
"Give him a handkerchief" commanded Gandalf "And now, let's decide what to do about our Aragorn! He must come back to the Lands of Living!"
He stopped and then continued calmly, but with much spirit
"We have now two ways before us. Do you already guess what are these ways?"
But nobody guessed. They were silent (even the Sable Squirrel!).
"Why, you are not overbright today!" snapped Gandalf "Well. one obvious way is to ask the Necromancer to bring him back to life by his foul arts".
"Oh yes!" exclaimed Pippin "A very good idea!"
"Silence, young Took!" snapped Gandalf again "I did not finish yet! Listen to me! This is an obvious way. But there is yet a second way. A dark, dangerous way".
Everybody was silent.
"Name it" told Galadriel at last.. She was pale as a niphredil and her lips were trembling like an aspen.
Gandalf raised his head. In his eyes there was a flicker of green fire.
"We must ask Mandos to release his spirit from the Halls of Waiting" said he.
But at that very moment Mandos groaned and stirred...
Mandos sat up and glanced around tearfully at the assemblidge. He produced a handkerchief and blew his nose noisily.

The others nominated Galadriel as the spokesperson. She trembled and faced the great figure, as the others ducked for cover.

"Great Lord," she began, "Wilt thou grant a boon?"

"Whadda ya want?" Mandos grumbled sulkily.

"We require the aid of one who has passed your halls recently. Aragorn son of Arathorn."

Mandos sniffed. " I don't normally do refunds on request. Alright then, since I'm feeling kind of vulnerable and loveless at the moment...."

There was a poof and a snap and a groan escaped what was, a moment before, a corpse. The has been corpse sat up and said....
"Where is Arwen?"
"Why, he is back already!" exclaimed Gandalf, greatly relieved "Thank you, Mandos... thank you!"
"Ohhh" wailed Mandos "But I'm still feeling sooo unhappy about Sam!..."
"No need, really no need" said the Necromancer cheerfully "It's so simple, you must just release him once more from your Halls".
Mandos sobbed.
"But I cannot release somebody who was killed by ME! It's against the law!"
They were all silent.
"Don't worry" said the Necromancer at last and patted Mandos reassuringly on his back "In such case I will bring him back to life with my foul arts".
"Thank you, my friend" sobbed Mandos and collapsed again on the forest floor.
"Actually, it's very simple" said the Necromancer and smiled "I need only..."
Three thimbles, two empty cardboard tubes, a haddock and twenty quid.
"Not to mention the entire cast of gifts from 'A Partridge in a Pear Tree. Oh, and also the blood of a virgin agronomist," quoth the Necromancer.
Gandalf waves his staff and all the ingredients appear.

"Wow, neat trick Gandy!" said Elrond.

Gandalf grinned and winked at him.
"So I can begin my work!" said the Necromancer happily and began to whistle.
A cloud of horrible putrid smell enveloped the whole company and then in the midst of the cloud Sam reappeared again, very hot and dishevelled.
"Already!" shouted Mandos and jumped to his feet "But, anyway, I can see now that there was really no need to summon him back to life. I can see now clearly that he should be numbered among the Spotted Toads!".
Poor Sam started to cry.
"Oh no, I don't want! Can't anybody help me?"
But everybody was too much relieved to get rid of him at last. Except Strider.
"Don't be afraid, Sam!" cried Aragorn "Hold on! I'm coming!"
And he jumped lightly from the stone table on the forest floor.
Heard a squish and looked down. There surrounding is right boot was nothing out of the ordinary. But when he looked at his other one, the wrong boot; surrounding it was a mass of greenish-brown, gelatinous, goop which was once Sam. "Oops, sorry!" he said, "Seems I'm always putting my foot into it." And he proceeded to clean his boot using the hem of Saruman's robe.
"Oh no" wailed Aragorn "What did I do? A madness took me, but it's over! Sam! Sam, come back... You trusted me... and I squeezed you with my left boot! It is I that failed. I am unworthy to be the King of both Arnor and Gondor!"
He sat for a while in total silence, with his head bowed on his breast. And then he raised again his pale haggard face.
"Gandalf, my friend" said he "Convert ME now into a Spotted Toad. And then kill me. I must go and join Sam. Otherwise he will feel so lonely, joined for eternity to the Kindred of Spotted Toads!"
"Are you sure, Aragorn, that you desire that doom indeed?" asked Gandalf softly, looking at him with profound pity. Galadriel wept openly, and even the Necromancer looked a little gloomy.
"Yes" said Aragorn firmly.
"But what about Arwen, you young rascal?! exclaimed Elrond angrily and clenched his fists.
"Arwen?" asked Aragorn raising his eyebrows and smiling "Oh she will follow me everywhere! I'm sure that she will ask Gandalf to convert her also into a Spotted Toad!".
"I'm not sure if he is doing the right thing" muttered Pippin to himself "I have another idea..."[Edited on 12/3/2002 by Eryan]
The Necromancer brings Sam back to life again, and immediately sends him back to Rivendel, to be locked in a secure cellar, well out of harms way.

"Oh thank God!" Exclaims Gandalf, "Watching Sam die over and over was getting a little BORING."

Elrond, in a sudden return to lucidity and sanity, draws an ancient sword from somewhere hitherto unnoticed. He stabs the Necromancer through the chest.

Everyone danced with glee until they had forgotten what they were happy about.

"I want to go home." Wails Galadriel. "It is dark and grotty here."

"Wait on, we have to clean up first" said Gandalf.

The group proceed into the labyrinth of underground dungeons of Dol Guldur. They find an interesting selection of prisoners....
The most interesting of all prisoners was a middle aged fat yellow cat with large bright red wings.
"Hello" he said "Do you know who I am? I am a Balrog!"
"Oh, he is mad" said Elrond sadly " Do not make any attention to him, he is a pitiful vistim of the Necromancer".
"No, I am a Balrog" insisted the cat "Release me from my bonds and I will show you how I can spit fire!"
"Will we release him?" asked Galadriel gravely "Is it really safe?"
"Oh, yes" said Aragorn nonchalantly "I can handle him all right. Let's release him!"
And then...
TOAST

Pippin: "Hey Merry, how dark do you like your breakfast bread, er Aragorn? Today it will require at least three dwarves using their axes, to scrape away all the char, such that it might be eatable, er to see that it is Aragorn."

Narrator: "Let that be a lesson to you, kiddies, don't meddle in the affairs of wizards, an once of kindness once released can come back to bite you with a scorching 10,000 BTU's."

Galadriel: "I thought you said it was safe?"

Elrond: "Oh, the Balrog was perfectly safe."*

Gandalf: "Let's see what's in the next cell. Why its..."




*This gag came courtesy the late Douglas Adams.
... it's Legolas! How did he get there?"
"We must free him" said Galadriel "And he will explain us!"
"Do you really think it's him?" asked Gandalf, frowning "He should have been all smeared with strawberry juice. And this Elf is so very clean! I fear some trap..."
And then...
Galadriel rolled her eyes and said, "Don't be so paranoid, you old geezer."

And they entered the cell Galadriel leading, because Gandalf in addition to being chivalrous, was cautious. Just as Galadriel was brushing down the skirt of her immaculate white-on-white embroidered gown, the bucket tipped, dousing her with three gallons of strawberry daiquiri.

"Oh good," said the thirsty Legolas and Gandalf in unison, getting their tongues ready to lick.

"Don't even think about it!", snarled Galadriel trying to wipe the sticky substance from her hair and face. "Just let me get my hands on that 'Fool of a Took'; I'll teach him to break into my liquor cabinet and waste my rum. Why couldn't he have made this a 'Chihuahua*,' that would have gone much better with this frock."

"Right!" said Gandalf with a smirk, "Okay Legolas, what are you doing here?

And Legolas began...




*Chihuahua = Pour 2 oz. tequila over ice, fill with grapefruit juice.
Just after the cell door swung open, Legolas exploded and turned into ... a Balrog!

"Oh, No" wailed Gandalf, "Not again"

The Balrog lashed out its whip, caught Gandalf around the knees and then lept into a nearby chasm.

"Fly you fools...." came Gandalf's last words.


"oh bother" said Galadriel "And I worked all night on those robes of his. Does he think that elven-silk grows on trees?"

But just then, there is a calamour from the next cell....
Galadriel opened that cell and, well, there was another Balrog there!!!
"Fly you fools" he shouted and showed all his 454 fiery teeth.
"Oh no" moaned Galadriel "Balrogs and Balrogs! Why ever did we kill the Necromancer! He seemed to have been on our side, it seems, after all!"
"Don't worry" said a soft voice just behind her back.
Galadriel jumped.
"Why, that's him! The Necromancer! Alive again! How did you come back to life so soon?".
"By my foul arts" said Necromancer and smiled. But then...
The Balrog started to grow all red and pink and purple and green. He opened his wide mouth and from between his 454 fiery teeth appeared Gandalf's head! "Finally! Light!" he breathed. And so the Balrog died.
All were happy, except the Necromancer, who...
... was very profoundly unhappy because he just realised that his dear sister is in the Halls of Mandos...
"Oh my dear sister! How lonely she must feel there!" he sobbed.
Galadriel's mood softened.
"Please don't weep so! We will release her! However, we must first finish to release YOUR prisoners!"
The Necromancer raised his head.
"But... why do you want to RELEASE them? I took such an amount of time to capture them all... "
"Well, prisoners are always supposed to be released, aren't they?" asked Galadriel gaily.
And then the Balrog...
And then the Balrog...slowly came back to life (didn' yer muddah ever tell yer about da seven lives o Balrogs?)

Suddenly Pippin pops in, takes one look at the Balrog's ferocious looking feet and says, 'Oh, you poor thing!' Then he whips out his Elven pocket knife (1D2+3 against normal monsters, +6 against Balrogs) and proceeds to trim the Balrog's toenails.

The Balrog stood there so surprised that he was roarless and just grinned thinking up something diabolical to do to the little pipsqueak. Suddenly he flinched as he felt a pain in his heel.

'Oops! sorry,' said Pippin, 'I accidentally nicked you there.' and the Balrog slowly shriveled up into a two inch high not so scary monster. 'Let me see, I think Bilbo could use you for his pipe lighter.' he said as he scooped the miniature firestarter into his pack.

And then ...
there was a calamour of excitement as Galadriel started releasing more prisoners with her magical unlocking spell.

Towards the group of elves, hobbits and balrogs etc. walked a graceful elf. He was very old by elven standards, with dark wavy hair, big dark eyed and a bandaged hand. He was carrying a battered harp that may have been almost as old as himself. When he spoke, his voice was the most beautiful that any of the group had ever heard.

"I have been in there an awfully long time." he said "thank you ever so much for releasing me."

"Maglor!" squeeled Elrond and ran to embrace him.

"Well, well." Said Gandalf to Celeborn "We always wondered what happened to him."
"So," sang out Maglor in his ever melodious voice, "what's been happening on Middle-earth in the 6381 years, 147, days, 17 hours, 23 minutes, and 17 seconds--but who was counting--since I was unjustly locked-up as being a possible prime material witness to some alleged acts of violence, terror, and genocide?

Not much, replied Elrond in his all knowing dead-pan style, "just 'days like all days, filled with those events which alter and illuminate our time.'* If you have a couple minutes to spare, I can fill you in on the highlights."

"You do not know the danger, Maglor," interrupted Gandalf. "This loremaster will sit on the edge of ruin and discuss the pleasures of table, or the small doings of his father, grandfathers, and great-grandfathers, and remoter cousins to the ninth degree, if you encourage him with undue patience. Some other time would be more fitting for the history of Middle-earth."** In a whispered aside, he said to himself, "I really must remember that speech; it might come in handy again."

Maglor, having thus been warned of the longwinded propensity of Elrond's dissertations, came back with ...



(My apologies to *Walter Cronkite and **JRR Tolkien for the use of their wordings.) Very Big Grin Smilie
ROFLMAO Just had to say, that that is b****y brilliant Grondy. But I will leave the next reply open to give others a chance.
... a whole bunch of pink daisies.
"I will plant them here" he announced very seriously "This place is so sombre, it needs some flowers to make it more homelike!"
"Are you mad. Maglor?" exclaimed Galadriel "Who would like to live here? This place should be destroyed!"
"I will live here" said Maglor obstinately "I like it. I have never seen before such splendid dungeons. The acoustics are very good, I will be delighted to spend all my life here just playing on my harp and listening to all those wonderful echoes"
Gandalf looked surprised and scratched a bald piece of his forehead but said nothing. And then, suddenly...
Elrond jumped excitedly

"I will stay with you Maglor! And may our voices and harpings intertwine with perfect harmony!"

Maglor said nothing, but did not look altogether pleased.
"Oh Elrond, you can't do that!" chimed in Gandalf and Galadriel in unison.

"The elves at Rivendel need you; you can't dessert them," continued Galadriel.

"You have a duty to uphold;" pleaded Gandalf and concluded with, "all of Rivendel's people really love you and need your services".

"Oh alright." said Elrond slightly disappointed, "but I can still come and visit Maglor, can't I?"

"Elrond, you will be most welcome to visit here, on those few occasions when the folks at Rivendel can manage without your necessary services," Maglor responded with a sense of relief. "Why don't you try to work a visit into your busy schedule sometime next July, and be sure to bring along your mandolin so we can make music long into the night, and don't forget your infamous jokebook," he finished, smiling at Gandalf and Galadriel for saving his bacon.

Then ...
... Lady Sharon peeped in.
"Oh Maglor" she squeaked excitedly "So we will now live here together, just you and me? Oh how very very splendid!"
Maglor went really pale this time and swayed on his long legs.
"But..." whispered Galadriel, overawed "But you were supposed to stay in the Halls of Mandos!"
Lady Sharon blushed deeply and bowed her head, and then giggled in the most girslish manner
"Er... well... as you can see, I am back here! Isn't it really great?".
At that moment Aragorn...
...said "Excuse my ignorance, but who is Lady Sharon?"
Elrond, sensing another opening to show off his great genealogical knowledge, regained the podium with: "Lady Sharon is the third cousin twice removed to both Valedhelgwath and Allyssa by marriage, albeit their relationship to each other is tenuous as they each come from a separate branches of their respective families and there is that rumor of a bar sinister on one of those branches. Boring Smilie

Lady Sharon made her spurs in Dale having been married to one of the Lords of the Bardings just prior to his untimely demise. Later she made her way to Dol Amroth where she served there in the ruling household before insinuating herself into the aforesaid elven family. Shocked Smilie

Of course I may be thinking of a different Lady Sharon altogether; at my age I have met so many people that they tend to run together," he concluded ignoring the grimaces and wry smiles of his audience. Rolling Eyes Smilie
Allyssa pauses and trys to figure out her relationship to Val, but finally gives up in confusion.

"Shaz my dear," warbled Elrond with a surprisingly sexy smile, "How wonderful to see you again..."
at which point Elrond realized that 'warbling' is a particularly unattractive thing for a man to do, cleared his throat and continued on.

"How wonderful to see you again, darling, it's been ages..." Elrond attempted another sexy smile, but just came off sort of creepy.

"Oh hey yeah, it's you...how 'bout that" Lady Sharon replied, not-so-discreetly brushing off Elrond.

Elrond, feeling somewhat nonplussed by this cold reaction...
Elrond, feeling somewhat nonplussed by this cold reaction decided it was time for a change in venue. "Hey I'm off to Northern Mirkwood. Anyone want to go spider hunting? Bilbo showed me his rock throwing technique and I want to test it out. Bilbo also told me, 'A little verbal abuse makes their veins standout and slows them down because they start hopping up and down instead of moving after him,' he added" Boring Smilie

"Just the thought of another spider makes me ill," Frodo replied as his complexion slowly turning pale. Dead Smilie

"Naw, you go ahead without me, Elrond," exclaimed Sam, "I've had enough spider for a lifetime." Wary Smilie

Glorfindal ruffled through is saddle bags and pulled out a foot long hollow cylinder, "I confiscated this from one of the apprentices, last week. Might as well see if I can still operate a pea shooter."

"I'm game," said Merry. Cool Smilie

"Me too," Pippin joined in. Jumping Flame Smilie

"Anybody else," queried Elrond? Question Smilie
"stop strangers where to you hearld from" the company looked round and before them stood an archer garbbed in green and with him ayonger archer garbbed in red and a dark shade of yellow.
"What do you think Oliver should we take them out??"
"No Connor lets see what there doing here first."
When no response was immediately forthcomming, Elrond gave the stranger a sharp prod with his pencil.

"Well? Who are you? And why are you here, even when the rest of us were summoned and you were not?" he asked.
'I am the Spirit Of the Past Christmas!'cried the shadow,and everybody turned towards him.'And i am here to take your head!'he added.He drawed his sword-and it gloomed pink when Jedis were around-and slowly approached the surprised group.
At that very moment, a huge white rabbit appeared in the shadow of an old gnarledash tree. His red eyes shone dimly in the twilight.
"Follow the White Rabbit!" he shouted and disappeared again in the shadows.
"No, follow the yellow brick road!" said Elrond angrily and...
"...may The Force be with you, and Live long and Prosper."

At that moment, another figure cloaked in dark robes appeared. Sweeping out a long sword it advanced on the pink light-sabre weilding shadow.

"Come,"the figure rasped, "To Mordor we will take you..."
"At last!' sighed Elrond with enormous relief "I an SOOO sick already of that confunded boring Mirkwood!".
And he ran forward and embraced the Nazgul and kissed him heartily on both stone-cold cheeks.
The Nazgul could not blush, but instead...
Asked where Harvey had got to...

(please god let somebody get this reference, if I say Jimmy Stewart will it help?)
And a thief in the shadows started to sing:
Quote:

Oh where oh where has my six foot wabbit fwen gone,
Oh where oh where can he be?
With is ears cut long, and his tails a puff,
Oh where oh where can he be? Serching Smilie

Oh, he only comes out, when my bottle's been about,
And now its three-quarters empty,
So he'll soon show up, that's sure enough,
Ceptin', I'm the only one can see he. Disturbed Smilie

Silly Wabbit! Elf With a Big Grin Smilie
(And as I remember, the audience did catch a glimpse of Harvey at the very tail end of the film.)
phew... thanks grond!
'Here I am,' said Sam, emerging from the bushes.
'Scared of the little Nazgul, were you?' asked Elrond, somewhat mockingly.
'No, in fact I was just going for a wazz behind the bush, you don't get that much in books do you?'
"Who`s that lady behind there? Come on you can tell us." asked Gandalf after falling over laughing.

"Looks like Mirkwood may have a new princess. Oh and what did you throw behind that boulder?" Elrond chuckled.

"None of your business who that girl is and that`s our hiding place. Aule`s behind there as well. They`re hiding from Gimli and a strange person from the outside world, Ross. Big Laugh Smilie We used a mirror to see around the boulder withought our heads being seen. Okay I`ve explained it all, anything else that needs answering?"replied Legolas.

" I don`t know, let me check my big head." Elrond exclaimed. Big Laugh Smilie

[Edited on 30/3/2003 by Sheryl]
Doesn`t anyone want to add?
"And it is a big head that you have !!!" roared Gimil from a tree that he had climbed. And then he poured a barrel of water over Elrond."HA HA HA" roared Gimili.
"Why you little scallywag" laughed Elrond who was completey drenched. he then began to climb up the tree to catch Gimili.
"Oh no you don't" cried Gimili as he edged futher along the branch.
'Uh-oh, I can see trouble coming here,' said Legolas, 'there's no way that branch could hold Gimli. Maybe my slender physique, but not that fat tub of lard.'

Strangely enough, the branch didn't collapse, but he still managed to make a fool of himself by planting his butt square in a great bit pile of bird s**t, much to the amusment of Elrond, under whose weight the branch did snap, and he came crashing down to the ground.
Everyone started laughing bc they had made it worse by falling into horse poo! Silly idiots! I can bet everyone stayed away from them for the rest of that day, well till they got to a stream. Unfortunately, the stream turned a funny brown and white colour! Big Smile Smilie Big Laugh Smilie Yuck!!
Someone please add to this, I like this thread. Sad Smilie
Then Gimli got out his grubby looking, ripped rag, wipped his nose and threw it into the stream, to add flavour of course. Big Laugh Smilie

"You are truly disgusting! But enough of this silly stuff, A warm welcoming back home is growing in my mind, we can not linger we must move on..."exclaimed Legolas, who seemed to be a little 'LEGLESS' at the time..... Big Laugh Smilie
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