Well I Did Make It In 10 Minutes!
Anyway, I plan on Revising it anyway... This was only a rough draft!
Got to go! (I'm Sneaking this post while in School
Interesting poem, Orimono. I am no expert, but I cant help but feel it might work better in the first person (I, me), rather than the second (you). At the moment it sounds a little like preaching, but in the second person, it would sound more like recounting your own experiences. You would then need to alter the ending slightly, of course.
That's a powerful piece of imagery from you once again, Orimono. I feel as though my senses have been overloaded, and to get full benefit of the piece, I will need to digest it in small amounts. I particularly liked the ending. It took me by surprise.
I really do not feel Ori that this poem needs many modifications. It is so powerful that any daubing might spoil its impact. Congratulations!