Login | Register
 
Message Board | Latest Posts | Your Recent Posts | Rules

Thread: Do you have a poem to share? - Undale (ALL POEMS HERE, PLEASE)

Is this discussion interesting? Share it on Twitter!

Bottom of Page    Message Board > Writers Guild > Do you have a poem to share? - Undale (ALL POEMS HERE, PLEASE)   [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11] [12] [13] [14] [15] [16] [17] [18] [19] [20] >>
Grondmaster says: When this thread was transfered from old P-T, some of the first posts were missing and others were out of order. Today I have rectified the situation so that they are all there and now in order.

Undale posted 27/1/2003 22:36
Quote:

alright, here goes mine... Disturbed Smilie

as I walk into dispare my flesh and soul weakens
but as my spirit and angels guards thee my heart will be seaken. As the day pass my mind is such a blur and wonders am I loved or am I just an entertainment to the world and so I weaken once more Smoke Smilie

elemuel posted on 29/1/2003 at 23:06
Quote:

most of my poems are sappy or long-winded and confusing. here's a poem by my dad when he was in his early twenties. (the mid 1960's):

Peace be still 'tis not your day
war rages in every land.
If in some hour and in some way
we need your helping hand
We'll call on you if 'tis not too late
to right the wrong that's done
peace be still 'tis not your day
you've lost and war has won.

I guess it's dark, but I've always respected my dad's writing ability.

Airecristiel posted on 13/2/2003 at 11:43
Quote:

Most of my poems are in swedish, and the ones I made in english are not as good at all. I'd like to translate some of my swedish poems, but I think that would ruin the feeling I'm trying to create with them, and after all, isn't writing poems all about making the reader feel something?
Oh well, here goes one of my english poems:
(Yeah, I know I'm not so original with titels...)

If time should end

If time should end
and all should fail
Would a betraying friend
make dark prevail?

Would you bring light
and laughter back
Or would we fight
make white turn black?

Once again
the world has turned
Foe or friend?
Still haven't learned.

Chathol-linn posted on 25/4/2003 at 20:22
Quote:

Star and Elf

In the Greenwood's southern reaches
Stands a grove of golden beeches.
The Enchanted River's waters
Flow beside these woodland daughters.
Violet twilight there entrances;
Wind unfurls the golden branches.
Elves sing underneath the eaves
Of Varda's stars and Arda's leaves.

Oft a minstrel came, a Silvan,
Singing to the trees an Elven
Ann-thennath of stars above.
A Star heard, and fell, in love,
To Middle-earth. "Night is falling!
- Can you feel my fe calling?
Do you feel the fiery yearning?
Do you see my star heart burning?"

Now the lonely beeches linger,
Pining for their Silvan singer.
Elves and Stars are of a kind,
Born to twilight, born to shine.
Elf and Star are now, forever,
High above the trees, together.
Elven-Star now shine as one,
East of the Moon, West of the Sun.

- Chathol-linn 4/03

NOTE: Fadesintothewest is the author of a story, the sketch from which inspried this poem. The story, "Creation Song of Ilvatar" is at http://www.fanfiction.net. Rating G. As always, I am borrowing the world of JRRT, whose work I love and respect, and I promise to return it unharmed.

PS - How nice to have a poetry thread. Thanks. If you have any comment on this poem, I'd love to hear from you, either here or at chathollinn@comcast.net.

Allyssa posted on 26/4/2003 at 10:41
Quote:
Shocked Elf Smilie Wow Chathol. You should enter that in the Mithril Awards (I assume there is a poetry section?).

What a wonderful poem. I can almost believe that Tolkien wrote it himself!

Chathol-linn posted on 26/4/2003 at 14:38
Quote:

Thank you, Allyssa. Can you do me a moderator favor? In my poem From Fangorn Forest to Helms Deep, can you go into and edit? I'd like for you to delete the words "CantoI I" from the caption. It's just "The Forest"

Many thanks! - Chathol-linn

And lastly:

Allyssa posted on 27/4/2003 at 11:33
Quote:

Done. Big Smile Smilie

[Edited on 17/8/2004 by Grondmaster]
ai Chathol-linn linn ln gell a bain!
(your song is water-flowing and beautiful!)

Can't resist a pun when you've got a name like that.


I almost hesitate to add any more to this thread, since that was wonderful, but this just bubbled up...




You must never touch a butterfly's wings
Paper-thin tapestry borne on air
For beauty and feathers are fragile things
And it's often noblest to forbear.

A man can tread on a flower's head
A child can tear a picture in two
It's easy enough to make things dead
And takes no skill, no craft, to do.

A sandcastle rises, born upon the strand
A glorious gift for all to enjoy
It's art and love that makes it stand
It's lack of them that prompts to destroy.

The veins on a butterfly's wings are fine
Like the ones on a wrist, which in code reveal
The paths of one's life, or the path to its end
Mar wing or skin, and the scar won't heal.

We can build, we can dream, we can love, we can weave
We can share what we make with this world our home
It's harder by far to hope and believe
But those who can't, in the end, stand alone.
sepdet: I like everything except the final stanza; is it just me or has the postBody of those four lines outgrown the form? Please feel free to ignore this as I am quite ignorant about such things, but I do enjoy your way with words. Happy Elf Smilie

Could your poem be called 'With Only Your Eyes' ?

It is sad that a few are so desperate that they wish to end it all. My roommate at Uni had a female friend that used razor blades in our bathroom and almost succeeded except we broke down the door, he squeezed her wrists, and I drove to the hospital. Shaking Head Smilie
Thanks, Allyssa, for fixing my poem.

Sepdet, I liked your (untitled?) poem about butterfly wings and their fragility. If you were comparing the delicacy of their wings to that of a human's life, - I got the point. Well done. Your poem "A Jewel in My Hand" is even better. The words have a more condensed quality - more punch and therefore are more powerful in conveying your poignant postBody.

Thanks for "ai Chathol-linn linn ln gell a bain!
(your song is water-flowing and beautiful!)!"

Sindarin Elvish must be your native language. Regards - Chathol-linn
Joan of Arc

It is quiet
the tension in the air,
the pain I have to bare.
Someone help me please,
the time is running out,
I can't put up with this!

But I know,
no hand will reach towards me
no light to make me see
no word to cheer me up
just someone to burn the flag
and wake me up.

I see the banners high
when we talked I know he lied
but I am unable to walk out
and I cannot scream
and before I open my eyes
I'm dead shure it was just a dream.

I belived him
but no more!
When he oppenes the doorm
I hold my breath
and I see the truth,
there comes death.

I look upon his eyes,
but they're ice cold.
He walkes towards me
I try to be bold
but I wanna run
I wanna hide behind the sun.

To live or to die
is a choice I have to make.
I won't beg!
That's the choice I take.
The only choice my pride gives me
is to lose or to keep my sanity.

I won't subject
and he's to headstrong
but he walkes with me
through that mile.
It was my choice
to burn on the pile.

And when the flames
take me in their embrace
I can feel thy presence
I can see thy face,
I am not sorry
and I don't feel the pain
I'm just one more soul
of the ones you've slain.
Beautiful poem, LadyB. All to easily can we forget that Joan of Arc was just a young peasant girl. Such bravery in the face of death. Big Smile Smilie
here is one of mine:

I stair at the blackness,
nothing ever stairs back,
only small white lights i see,
intenseness it does lack.

here is another:

The world runs ahead,
leaving me behind,
forgeting the girl it once did know,
and now will never find.

here is the last:

away the wind blows,
with my heart,away,
going past the rainbows,
were i cannot stay.

though i long and try to stay,
alas it never comes,
so here i am my lonely self,
singing melencoly hums

by laura soto
Aki_Hana
posted on 23/7/2003 at 10:10 PM

Who is this mysterious woman?
The one with that golden tan,
and eyes so green
like you've never seen.
Her brown hair shines with such brightness,
her smile takes on the same likeness.
And what is this?
Elf ears you just can't miss!
Who is she,
this mystery?


#1ElijahLover
posted on 5/7/2003 at 06:22 PM

Amazingly strong,
They mean so little,
Yet way much more,
Than this simple riddle.

I am stunned at first,
But then I find,
How much it matters,
And how much I mind.

It's easy to see,
Just look really close,
My care is very strong,
I do suppose.

by laura soto

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Allyssa
Council Member
posted on 7/7/2003 at 11:50 AM
Hi ElijahLover.

I love the sound and feel of this poem, but I am hopeless at riddles. What is it about?
____________________


#1ElijahLover
posted on 7/7/2003 at 10:54 PM

glad you asked, Allyssa, some of my pals were gossiping about me and my LOTR obsession [can anyone else relate to this?] and so i wrote the poem while blowning off steam. i only posted it cause i wanted others opinions on the quality and sense of it.

[Edited on 7/7/2003 by #1ElijahLover]

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Allyssa
Council Member
posted on 9/7/2003 at 10:21 AM
The need to express yourself is the best reason I can think of to write anything, ElijahLover. I also think that strong feelings bring out our best writing.

I can certainly sympathise with having friends in real life that do not understand a love for the works of Tolkien. I think every member of this site has been there at some stage.


____________________


Aki_Hana

posted on 22/7/2003 at 10:32 PM
I liked your poem, it has a nice feel to it. Isn't it funny were your inspiration can come from?


____________________

Bliss15/07/03

bliss, is young,
full of life,
imature in mind,
love without strife.

i wish i was there,
only one thing a miss,
i have some strife,
but phisiclly in bliss.

by laura soto
Great poems, #1ElijahLover/EvithianEhtmire/laura.

If I might make a suggestion:
Stairs --> stares (to look fixedly)
intenseness --> intensity

I especially like your second poem, The world runs ahead. I think it shows a maturing perspective very beautifully. I like the Bliss poem too. Big Smile Smilie
EvithianEhtmire
posted on 23/7/2003 at 06:06 PM

i look at him and i cry
oh i love him so
but so does every other
this dost bring me woe

it would not be fair
for me to fall in love
breaking all to many hearts
and maybe some above

so now i pray that others
feel the same as i
for if he was to marry hither
my heart tis sworn to die

yet this is so selfish
of this beating wound
over this thing i call a heart
a shawdow long has loomed

but when i saw him really
in the flesh that is
i was begging in my heart
to be only his

that shawdow lifted for a time
replaced with the fluttering
of the wings of butterflies
around my heart were cluttering

but so soon he left thine site,
and my tears returned
i swear they have multiplied
and oh my love does burn

by Laura Soto



1ElijahLover
Posted:


i watched his eyes,
then they closed,
into sleep,
forever though.

by,
laura soto for my kitten whom passed on on july 1st,
Master Theoden Proud-foot.
(he had six toes on his front paws)

those blue eyes of yours,
and skin so fair,
your boyish smile,
and deep brown hair.

is it fair to us,
to be such a dream,
to have such a charm,
and imortal gleam?
by,
laura soto
[please add your opinion!]

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Allyssa

Council Member
posted on 7/7/2003 at 11:57 AM
For your kitten, ElijahLover. That is a lovely poem, short but sad. Very like the short life of your beloved pet.

That second poem wouldn't be for Elijah Wood, would it?
____________________


#1ElijahLover
posted on 7/7/2003 at 04:08 PM
quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That second poem wouldn't be for Elijah Wood, would it?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



well there you have me,Allyssa.

Moderator Smilie Sorry, Poets. We need to post all of the poems in the one thread, unless it is an especially long poem.

Thanks
Ther was a young woman from Westhoughton,
Who had one long....

Maybe one for Plastics site! Wink Smilie
anatea(seajewel) posted on 27/7/2003 at 23:18 under for those writers who want to publish their work someday!!!
Quote:
umm I don't know if there is a poetry forum or something but I know that there are a lot of people here who like to write poetry, so I want to start a place where people can share their own work have fun!!!
here's something I wrote last night!

beuty beyond knowledge
a sight few are gifted to see
sorceress of the dark sky
that bewitches a love unspoken
it cries what the heart gives
such a beautiful thing
priceless no matter the cost
enchanted and mysterious
that walks alone in winter
sweet and soft
you are summoned to it
but her heart is not easy to get
free spirit of the night
only few can handle her
and those that can't
are cut with swords
that surround her beauty
thorns of sin hidden
by the spell of
the rose

please feel free to add any comments they would help me alot!! or you can make some suggestions. I just wrote it down quickly last night
thanks!!!!
Andrea posted on 27/7/2003 at 23:25
Quote:
That's very pretty anatea!
Most of my poems are in my journal entries, my latest was Heaven.

I was wakened in the morning by the song of a bird,
Spring flowers tantalized my senses!
There are no words to tell you the joy their voices were
Its beyond description, to hear the angels singing.
Ahead of me was of a mighty city,
A wilderness of buildings.
Self withdrawn into a wondrous depth
Far sinking into the desert clouds without end.
Fabric was of diamond and gold,
With alabaster domes and silver spires,
And blazing terrace above terrace!
Serene pavilions bright in avenues disposed.
There were towers,
With battlements that on their fronts
Bore stars
Illumination of all the gems that sprinkled the city.
The smell of the earth after a fresh, spring rain,
The sound of a child's laughter,
Warm sunshine caressed my skin,
As a wind stirred the leaves.
An evening sunset cast its rosy glow,
And the first winter snow flake fell to the ground.
The days gently eased, one into another...

There's a lot of talented writers/ poets out there, I know Aire is a really beautiful poet. I love reading other people's work, especially when they put their heart into it.
anatea(seajewel posted on 27/7/2003 at 23:33
Quote:
WOW!!!!!!!!!!!! andrea!! I loved your poem and how you made it a poem easy to picture you really made it come to life!!!!!!! please put in some more of your work! I really think I might enjoy them!! I'll put up a new one when I'm finished with it! Thanks!!
anatea
Anilorak posted on 28/7/2003 at 17:23
Quote:
Wow, both of your poetry is awsome!! I can't believe you could write something so enchanting, that flows so well. I can't even start to write a poem above the Dr. Seuss level Smile Smilie

anatea and Andrea, you both have a wonderful gift keep at it!
anatea(seajewel) posted on 28/7/2003 at 18:48
Quote:
thanks anilorak!
please add some of your work, I think you can a do abetter job than dr seuss level, and it will help you also, plus I want to see different writing styles!!
Here is one I wrote last night.

"Empty"

Empty and cold is this life so I'm told.
Is everything so evil and sold?
Will happiness to my heart you bring?
When I know you will my soul sing?
All I've felt has betrayed me.
When I know you will I be free?

Crawling on the ground alone.
My feet sink into the stone.
I am trapped inside my past.
I need you to free me at last.
The need is all I can feel.
Will my heart you heal?

Let me free of my hell.
And all the times I've fell.
I need to let it go.
It is dragging me so low.
Touch me just one time.
Make your love mine.
Hi! Moderators, I have written a humorous narrative poem. Before posting it I should advise that it contains indelicate language. Probably nothing over PG-13, but there are a few words you would not use in polite society. Should I proceed? Chathol-linn
Here's a few of mine, hope you like them. Irima-arwen

Shall
Shalll the sun shine when there's rain
will it wash away hearteack and pain
and clear the the land of cold sorrow
so there'll be a blue sky tommorow

Life
Life is a special gift, given to all
never to take, or every to stall
Your life is special, and will come to end
happiness your heart can have, and send
In your life you will care for one
before your life is over or done

Quote:
Hi! Moderators, I have written a humorous narrative poem. Before posting it I should advise that it contains indelicate language. Probably nothing over PG-13, but there are a few words you would not use in polite society. Should I proceed? Chathol-linn
Sorry, but I think not Chathol-linn, as we have a few pre-teen members also we might then lose our Family Friendly Site Certification. (See the sticker at bottom of the menu on the left). However, you could email or PM your poem to Guild Mistress Allyssa, who being a mother of young children is a better sounding board for such things. Happy Elf Smilie
Okay, I will send Alyssa an E-mail. Regards - Chathol-linn
Hi - I have lost her e-mail address. Alyssa, how can I contact you? I can't seem to find the PM method. Can you post, or send me an e-mail at chathollinn@comcast.net? Thanks - C-L
I sent Allyssa's email address to Chathol-linn yesterday.
The Window

What must I do for you to see me?
What can I say to make you listen?
What will it take for me to be heard?
What have I done that makes me less worthy?

Do I not have a heart like yours?
It glows when it is appreciated
and shatters when toyed with
Laughs when it is loved and desired,
griefs when it is lost and buried.

Do I not have eyes to see with like you have eyes?
They see both the good and lovely things that live in man
but they also see what pain he causes upon himself
My eyes can tell as wonderful stories as yours.

I am like you. I do see, touch,
feel, smell, taste and hear all the things you do.
But evidently not within.

Do I have to share your point of view and suppress my own true feelings?
Go against everything I believe in to make you happy?
Or maybe must I follow the River of lost people in constant search for themselves
bewildered and lost in the dark?

I will not do any of this
I will not change who I am, not for you, not for anyone
I am me and no one knows how to be me better than I.

If I am destined to walk alone
face the Sea of a thousand wraths
If it is so it is intended
lonelyness shall be my path.

Unknown
I like that one, Cel. I think it touches us all.
Thank you Allyssa.
It could've been better, but I wrote it in about 5 min so..well, you see the result. But thanks, appreciate it.
Quote:
Thank you Allyssa.
It could've been better, but I wrote it in about 5 min so..well, you see the result. But thanks, appreciate it.
The Window is a nice poem Celebrian, but I am confused. If you wrote it, why does it say "Unknown" at the bottom? Am I missing something?
Well...I didn't like the poem very much so I wrote "unknown" so that ppl wouldn't know it was me...I'm weird, I know.

I felt that maybe if people didn't know who wrote it, they would look it and say good and bad things about it and I could watch the critisism from a distance and agree/disagree with them. I don't want people to say it's nice when it really su**s, so they say it's great just because they don't want to hurt my feelings. Sneaky aren't I? Wink Smilie

But now the secret is out..I..I..

I admit it! I wrote the the "Window"


[Edited on 27/10/2003 by Celebrian]
I know how you feel about that too, Cel. I think all writers feel a little 'shy' about their writing when they are first starting out. It helps to remember that we were all starting out once.

I found that once I got used to having other people read my work, that it was immensely beneficial. I learned a lot and I was given some great ideas. I also got one or two negative comments, but I learned to make use of the ones that were valid and ignore the rest.

In the words of a famous PT member:

Quote:
"Just ignore what you don't like. Works for me."


Keep at it Cel! Poetry is a demanding discipline (so I am told), but very rewarding.
Hello at every one..............
@Celebrain I would like to say that your poem The Window is very good imoh,and it says much, doesnt it??
So keep on writing..........:-))

And now to my poem. One person sayed ones this to me

Quote:
you should keep writing them if you find them in your head and wanting to get out onto paper or your computer screen. Never keep the muse a prisoner, be creative when you can.

What I was trying to say about poetic license (which I think means bending the rules of a fact, spelling, or meaning of a word to fit a specific spot in your poem or prose) is not to do this too often or your audiance may get lost,


Now my head realeased a new poem and I like to share it............jesus only that you tell me how bad I am *g*.

A short backroundstory to this poem, I think you need this to understand.
It is out of a story, a journey from Dale in Wilderland, the heart of the Beornings down to the Mouth of the Anduin in the Bay of Belfalas.

So maybe you can guess about which person the poem speaks?
______________________________________


My heart * the green island * Eyevurna

Let us to go into the night of dark shadow,
leaves and to move in the moon pale light,
leave us to rise up to the mountain follow the call
leave us to pull far up to the watercourse and its stone.

See there stands he still and quietly none may like to see him in this way.
see in such a way he lives there, not alone he may be in his home.
see there he preserves and maintains our kind with his large paws,
see there a meadow fully with beautiful white poppy.

He may accompany now our way faithful, to the white city there.
He likes to stay now with us, if we run in the Wold so green.
He may look now on us down, when we float in the Great River.
He may be constant now, in our soul of deep shrine.

Even if you want to hear more of stories over the Mirkwood,
also you want to smell once the fog over beautiful Long Lake,
If you want to live in such a way like I did, many years ago,
If you want to see him, move far from here to the north,

deeply in the heart you must now go.
___________

Iverna [Eye - VUR -na] from Latin *the green island*
______________________________________________
Sad Smilie Sad Smilie Sad Smilie Sad Smilie Sad Smilie Sad Smilie the tears are running down my face...........if you dont like it why you not telling me ..............nobody reaspond in any way.......... Sad Smilie Sad Smilie Sad Smilie Sad Smilie Sad Smilie Sad Smilie Sad Smilie thats hard for my heart Sad Smilie Sad Smilie Sad Smilie Sad Smilie Sad Smilie Sad Smilie Sad Smilie dont do it now ........I dont bother you again.........I think Grondy was right in the way to keep shut my mouse.


EDIT:

Thanks Eyran...............I was reading my poem again after your words and really some sentences are confusing and I work now on it..............

[Editiert am 9/11/2003 von Nessa]
Please do not be sad Nessa! I also am surprised how little input do receive us budding writers from other PTers!
As for your poem, I must tell that I cannot grasp fully its meaning. I am absolutely confused. At first I thought it may be about Legolas, but then these paws... But, wait!!! Perhaps it is about Beorn? Did I guess right?
Your poem invokes some nice images (I like that meadow full of white poppies) but, honestly, I think that you should work on it a bit to make its meaning more clear.I hope that it helps instead of making you even more sad? Smile Smilie Don't be sad, I think that's great that you dared to show us your poem, and I hope that you will receive soon more comments! Smile Smilie
Have a good day Nessa!
Nessa, I didn't write anything because I also was confused about the topic and the sentence structure felt strange: could this be a translation of something you wrote in your native language?

But remember I'm a reader, not an postAuthorID, poet, or critic, so I don't know enough about poetry to provide you with constructive critisim and therfore I haven't said anything in the past. Some of the individual lines did bring visions to my mind, but as a whole I couldn't find the theme.

Please don't be sad, and keep writing as long as you enjoy it. Share some of your other work, maybe that will find a more positve reception, and if it doesn't, you can consider us to be clueless dunderheads, Dunce Smilie or just nice people who have wished to spare your feelings, because we like you for who you are, not for what you do. Happy Elf Smilie
Exactly Grondmaster. Smile Smilie
I only like to translate songs or poems that I havn't made up into Elvish,would this forum be the best place to post them?
Okay the poem again, and I can tell you, without a word of you I woud not had change a word............do you understand what I mean.......say it open whe you dont understand Grondy, then I wrote it really bull**** ......! Thats the thing! so now you dit what I need to re-write it:

My heart * the green island * Iverna

Let us go into the dark shadows of the night.
Let us wander in the moon pale light,
Let us walk to the Misty Mountain, following (or ensue) his call
Let us to pull far up to the watercourse and its stone.

See there he stands, still and quietly, none like to see him that way.
see in a peculiar way he lives there, not alone he is in his home.
see there he preserves and maintains our kind with his large paws,
see there a meadow fully with beautiful white poppy.

He may accompany now our way faithful, to the white city there.
He may stay with our soul, if we run free in the green Wold.
He may look down on us, when we swim in the Great River.
He may be constant now, in our soul deep shrine.

If you want to hear more tales over the Mirkwood,
If you want to smell the fog on the beautiful Long Lake,
If you want to live in such a way like I did, many years ago,
If you want to see him, move far from here to the north,

and then listen deeply in your heart,
for then you can find all this things,
who are my heart, my Iverna.
__________

I hope now you telling me if some or everything is not understandebyl.....



LadyFeawen..........I think yes it is.............all poems here I think. ;-)
Great Nessa, it's more clear now! Stil, I am not sure, is the poem about Beorn, a man-bear? Smile Smilie

I will make detailed criticisms now, I hope they will help? But I am not a real English speaker, so I may be mistaken on many occasions !

My heart * the green island * Iverna

I do not understand this. Why did you put the asterisks? And what is Iverna?

Let us go into the dark shadows of the night.

This line is OK

Let us wander in the moon pale light,

If I am not mistaken, this line is not grammatically correct, shouldn't you rather write instead:

Let us wander in the pale light of the moon,

or something like this?

Let us walk to the Misty Mountain, following (or ensue) his call

following is OK

Let us to pull far up to the watercourse and its stone.

I'd put here rather someting like: Let us pull us far up to the watercourse and its stone.

I also do not like too much the term "watercourse", what do you mean by it?

See there he stands, still and quietly, none like to see him that way.

I'd put "still and quiet" instead of "still and quietly"
I do not understand fully what did you mean by "none like to see him that way"?" "None likes to see him that way", or "None like him to see that way"?

see in a peculiar way he lives there, not alone he is in his home.

did you mean:

see in what a peculiar way he lives there, he is not alone, he is in his home.

?

see there he preserves and maintains our kind with his large paws,

do you mean that he, a beast, is defending us humans?

see there a meadow fully with beautiful white poppy.

rather: see there a meadow full of beautiful white poppies

He may accompany now our way faithful, to the white city there.

Rather: he may accompany now our way faithfully, to the white city there.

He may stay with our soul, if we run free in the green Wold.

Rather: he may stay with our souls

He may look down on us, when we swim in the Great River.

This is OK

He may be constant now, in our soul deep shrine.

This I do not understand - I cannot grasp your meaning!

If you want to hear more tales over the Mirkwood,

Rather: If you want to hear more tales about the Mirkwood

If you want to smell the fog on the beautiful Long Lake,
If you want to live in such a way like I did, many years ago,
If you want to see him, move far from here to the north,
and then listen deeply in your heart,

These lines are OK, I am only not certain whether the expression "smell the fog" is correct.

for then you can find all this things,

rather: for then you can find all these things

who are my heart, my Iverna.

the last line is Ok

*******************************

Did it help Nessa? Smile Smilie

I understand it now,very pretty Nessa! Big Smile Smilie
Now it makes sense Nessa. If you want to play with some nits:

Second line - make it 'pale moon light'

Third line - drop '(or ensue)'

Fourth line - drop 'to' and replace 'and its stone' with 'to its end.' Or 'scramble up the streambed and across its dry stone.'

Fourteenth line - 'fog' sounds to harsh, replace with 'air', 'breeze', 'mist', 'zephers' or a similar word.

Seventeenth line - replace 'this' with 'these'.


Or ignore me, for I know nothing and it is after all, your poem to do with as you choose. Happy Elf Smilie
Quote:
Still, I am not sure, is the poem about Beorn, a man-bear?


Yeah I mean Beorn, if you look in the Hobbit you find many strange things about him and in this way I mean some of the lines.
Quote:
Beorn was the chieftain of the clan of the Northern Men whose traditional duty it was to maintain the trade routes from Eriador to Wilderland, particularly over the high pass of the Misty Mountains and across the Ford of Carrock, Bilbo Baggins attributed many strange characterisetics to Beorn (as well he maybe a bear>>on this particular case my poem looks), whatever the truth of these stories Beorn was certainly a Men of ursine strength.

The complete Tolkien Companion, JEA Tayler







>My heart * the green island * Iverna

Quote:
I do not understand this. Why did you put the asterisks? And what is Iverna?


It is a name from the Irish and means *Green Island>Ireland*. But I was writing a story about Iverna and in this story she is telling this poem about here homeland in Wilderland. She is one of the kind, Beorning, and lifes now in the south. So here heart is in here homeland the *green island >>the mirkwood>>Wilderland*......
It is out of a story, a journey from Dale in Wilderland, the heart of the Beornings down to the Mouth of the Anduin in the Bay of Belfalas.


>Let us go into the dark shadows of the night.

>Let us wander in the pale moon light,

>Let us walk to the Misty Mountain, following his call

>Let us pull us far up to the great rock of Carrock..

Quote:
I also do not like too much the term "watercourse", what do you mean by it?
I was meaning the Ford of Carrock, the crossing who was kept open by the Beornings in the time of the Ring War. So watercourse stands for the river Anduin?? who is there.

>See there he stands, still and quietl, none likes to see him that way.

Quote:
I do not understand fully what did you mean by "none like to see him that way"?" "None likes to see him that way",

I was looking at The Hobbit and there Bilbo thinks Beorn is maybe a bear.so I mean nobody wants to see Beorn walks around as a bear and not as a man.


>see in what a peculiar way he lives there, not alone he is in his home.

Quote:
not alone he is in his home.>>

I mean, aswell looking at The Hobbit, that Beorn has many animals around his house..he is not alone but there are no humens.


>ee there he preserves and maintains our kind with his large paws,

Quote:
do you mean that he, a beast, is defending us humans?

Yeah and as well the animals speak there, then Beorn is both animal and human in the thinking of the Beornings.

>see there a meadow full of beautiful white poppies

>He may accompany now our way faithfully, to the white city there.

>He may stay with our souls, if we run free in the green Wold.

>He may look down on us, when we swim in the Great River.

>He may be constant now, in our soul deep shrine.

Quote:
This I do not understand - I cannot grasp your meaning!

Okay I try to make it clear. Do you understand >deep shrine
But maybe it woud be better to say:
He may be for ever in our soul deep shrine. ???

>If you want to hear more tales about the Mirkwood

>If you want to smell the mist of the beautiful Long Lake,

>If you want to live in such a way like I did, many years ago,

>If you want to see him, move far from here to the north.

>and then listen deeply in your heart,

>for then you can find all these things

>who are my heart, my Iverna.


*******************************

Quote:
Did it help Nessa?

Did it help did it help .you try even to ask me this question I am so happy, thanks to the three of you!!!!!!! Yeah it helped me very very much!!

As well, that I was thinking again about the meaning of the poem and if you still not understand something tell me then I will try to explain.then I was making this poem with the thoughts of Beorn!

Quote:
Or ignore me
>>>>>>>>>>Grondy never ever will this happened!! ;-))
Do you know of which person I speak in my Post above???
Quote:
One person sayed ones this to me: .......


Thanks LadyFeawen...............really thank you.

Big Smile Smilie Big Smile Smilie Big Smile Smilie Big Smile Smilie Big Smile Smilie Big Smile Smilie Big Smile Smilie



Your poem becomes more and more clear as you work on it! You really should continue to work on it until it is poerfect, it is well worth this effort! But this is normal. One of the most beautiful poems I ever read is the song about Beren and Luthien which was sang by Aragorn on the Weathertop. An early version of the same song can be found in one of the "History of ME" books. And if we compare these two versions, it is astonishing how very much Tolkien improved his early text! The final text is both simpler and much more poignant and beautiful!

Quote:
It is a name from the Irish and means *Green Island>Ireland*. But I was writing a story about Iverna and in this story she is telling this poem about here homeland in Wilderland. She is one of the kind, Beorning, and lifes now in the south. So here heart is in here homeland the *green island >>the mirkwood>>Wilderland*......
It is out of a story, a journey from Dale in Wilderland, the heart of the Beornings down to the Mouth of the Anduin in the Bay of Belfalas.
Quote:
.
It is clear now, perhaps you could add a short note explaining that Iverna is a girl under the title of the poem?
Quote:
>>Let us pull us far up to the great rock of Carrock..

This line is OK now!
Quote:
So watercourse stands for the river Anduin??
So you may write simply "river"!v

Quote:
I was looking at The Hobbit and there Bilbo thinks Beorn is maybe a bear.so I mean nobody wants to see Beorn walks around as a bear and not as a man.


OK

Quote:
He may be constant now, in our soul deep shrine.

quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This I do not understand - I cannot grasp your meaning!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Okay I try to make it clear. Do you understand >deep shrine
But maybe it woud be better to say:
He may be for ever in our soul deep shrine. ???
>

I understand very well the meaning of the word "shrine", what I did not understand, was the meaning of the expression "He may be constant now". When you wrote now "He may be for ever in our soul's deep shrine", all is clear!
Quote:
Did it help did it help .you try even to ask me this question I am so happy, thanks to the three of you!!!!!!! Yeah it helped me very very much!!

I am glad to hear this! Smile Smilie
Go on, improve still a bit your poem, very soon it will be perfect!

My attempt to translate Twinkle,Twinkle, Little Star
into Sindarin.Feel free to correct my elvish. Smile Smilie

Slo, slo l niben
Nauthon erin narn vrn ln.
Haeron vi menel darthach
Sui mr hilivren thiach.
Slo, slo l niben
Nauthon erin narn vrn ln

-translation-
Shine, shine little star
I think on your old tale.
Far in heaven you stay
Like a glittering jewel you seem.
Shine, shine little star
I think on your old tale.

That is gorgeous, Lady F! I can just imagine little elf children singing it with their doting parents.
Hehe,thank you I'm glad you like it,Allyssa. Smile Smilie
Aww... now I'm going to have to memorize it to sing to my kids when I'm all growed up and they're all, um growed down? Lol
Very sweet Angel Smilie
Oho LadyFeawen,

I like it very much! it is fantastic and I look up to you, that you speak such fluent Sindari.

!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ah,well I can't really speak it very well (plus it really creeps my parents out) but if you give me time then I can translate it into Sindarin.Right now I am working on a Spalm,its rather hard but If I like the out-come then I'll show it. Smile Smilie
I really like the "Slo, slo..." poem, LadyFeawen, because it's so flowing and poetic, like running water; you can even sing it to the tune! The Sindarin words match the syllability of its English counterpart; well done!
I've started to TRY and write a poem.... I've got some English lines and am translating them into Adnaic. The verses are mainly incomplete and not very good; they came off the blue during Spanish class (hey, we were talking about a verb tense I learned two years ago? What ELSE could I do? lol)Its about the Nazgl...

The Nine Lords of Darkness
We cling to power, to glory...
The Shadow of Death is upon us.
Now we come, Kings of Men
Under the Shadow, under the One...
Nine Rings for Mortal Men, doomed to die
In the land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
Into darkness, into the chasm
Of death that is eternal life.
We come to the Shadow, our conqueror...
We deny our maker,
There is no one but the Lord of Darkness.

Nidir Brm an-Dur
Ntabdam abrat aglar
Agannlo nnudum
d nnkham, Ar n'Adni
Ugru-dalad, ru-dalad...
Nidir - - -
Durzyan-z - - -
Durad, akhsada
Agan Kathardun
Nnkham Zigrad Kathuphazgnum-n
Nbbtham magnan,
- - - Haven't got here yet.

Any comments? Anyone able to correct my Adnaiy? Heh heh heh... Cool Smilie

(Obviously two lines are from J.R.R. Tolkien's Verse of the Rings, I'm not plagiarizing... just borrowing. I thought they'd fit well where I put them.)

[Edited on 12/16/2003 by Arcormacolindva]
I like the english version, Arcormacolindva. I am afraid that I don't know any andunaic, so I can't help you. Hopefully one of our members is fluent enough to be of assistance. Big Smile Smilie
I was going through the pages, and noticed this thread. How could I pass it by without reviving it??
Anyway, here's a poem I just scrambled together; I'd appreciate comments and feedback: please be brutally honest, as I haven't written a poem for years (disregarding my rather feeble Adnaic attempt). Ok? Here it is:

Reveries of a Tree
Along a mere an ancient oak tree weeps,
A gnarled king crownd with rays of lustrous light,
Streaming lilies strewn about his twining feet
Lit by twinkling jewels in the grim tapestry of night.

'Neath his hoary arms hangs a faded swing,
Unhinged by the thoughtless ravages of time.
All is silent, save the wailing of the winds
Moaning o'er lonesome hills and dells.

Memories fly across the dreary skies
Like ripples o'er sombre ponds do lie:
A brazen Dawn of shining gold ablaze,
Rose-fingerd with flowing golden hair;
A tender child not yet come of age,
Laughing as he swang in long-past days.

Silently the old tree mused anew,
Remembering blissful years long since past.
His branches swayed, now bedewed,
And with a sigh he stilled, and was content.

- Arco

Comments? Suggestions?
  [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11] [12] [13] [14] [15] [16] [17] [18] [19] [20] >>