<<          >>
[i:2xbefh00]Oh GB, GB, shining bright,
Hairy in the sky tonight,
How I wonder what you are,
Like a furball and yet a Star.
Oh GB,GB, Flower in Spring,
"Oh sweet follicles!" the Angels sing.
We below in great awe stare,
Our faces caressed by falling hair.
Oh GB, GB, shining bright,
You've used Conditioner, is that right?[/i:2xbefh00]
Thomas Eddison (before he took up more useful duties).
(1) You are now Luthien Tinuviel (Immortal Elvish Princess);
and (2) Tinuviel (a [i:xb9dbu57]Real[/i:xb9dbu57] fourteen year old girl who remains - substantially - a Mystery to all);
and (3) Tinuviel who is not [i:xb9dbu57]Real[/i:xb9dbu57] girl at all, but would like to be perhaps - like Pinocchio, but with a nose carved more beatifully - of alabaster not wood! - and who is no more than just a lovely Avatar glimmering greenly in the imaginations of other Forumers;
and, of course, (4) Tinuviel, a Jumbly Girl Edward Lear would be clearly enamoured of!
Perhaps it's easier (and safer) to say you invoke everything feminine, from baby to girl to woman! [ [i:xb9dbu57](5) The archetypal Perfect Lady[/i:xb9dbu57]? ]
Errr.... The poem I channeled about you actually conflicts me as much as it did Mr Tyrant - but poetry is a risky business!
Homer. (Lost section of The Illiad - after chapter three).
[i:2ysbuzn1]Oh Noom Chevaline! Oh name so fine!
Like fine wine sailing on the Rhine!
Oh One who sounds so wise! And I'm apprised -
Noom Chevaline is VERY wise!
His voice is heard! He sings like birds!
(If he's a bird I aint heard the word!)
His words are jewells to confound fools,
His taste for poets both deep and cool;
Oh his wisdom is naught but great,
He knows a Genius from an Ingrate!
He's a bigger hero than H.R. Puff'n'Stuff!
(This my heartfelt view - not sucking up!)
His eye is bright (though oddly coloured!)
His discerning gaze like Mother Hubbard's,
He seems to see in clearest light,
His crystal gaze glimmers in the night!
He knows his stuff! He knows a poet!
He sees a Genius - and don't I know it!
His waking dreams are Pure Dreams unbroken,
His Lovely Eye wedged firmly open!
(Yes, His LOVELY Eye, I tell no lie!)
Oh Noom Chevaline! Oh Eye that shines,
Hear not those who would whinge and whine,
Read the Greats! For the Greats are Great!
And ignor every crabbity rabbity reprobate! [/i:2ysbuzn1]
There are some Odd ones who live on Banks,
(On smelly Banks - But me? No thanks!)
They feed on snails! They feed on mozzies!
They feed on spleens these hobbit Ozzies*!
Of vulgar sort, they sniff and snort,
On stolen stuff they've never bought.
In the sun they recline salubrious,
In their slouch-hats akubrious!
Oh how they're hated! Oh how reviled!
(No wonder Mona so queerly smiled!)
Oh Odd creatures! So Odd so rank,
Living on their river Banks!
Call themselves Stoors? Oh what bores!
They're vulgar now - who cares what before!?
They're hardly hobbits! They're probably Bobbits!
(Bobbits are hob-hobbits, Ruled by King Robbit).
Now I'm not a violent kind of person,
Yet I have an urge to chop and hurt them.
But no! -
It's only for chopping wood - this axe I hone today!
It's not for chopping certain hobbits! No way![/i:1tcvfrlu]
J.R.R Tolkien: "Poems from Rushock Bog when it was still Downunder." (Edited by Christopher Tolkien. Volume Eighteen).
*Should be [i:1tcvfrlu]"Aussie"[/i:1tcvfrlu] though. Clearly even JRRT was not always right!
Btw "michel Delving" should be "Michel Delving." You're clearly a bit rattled. Calm down!!!
If you do find yourself stuck in the Lockholes take heart in remembering Oscar Wilde who suffered similarly (although I believe for different reasons!) and that he penned 'the ballad of reading gaol', a fine moving work, whilst incarcerated. Let your discomfiture be your muse whilst you plot your revenge.
(Mind, it would not surprise me if that Banks chap hasn't gone and formed an unGodly alliance with GB, with a view to putting me [i:16j64v0j]out of the way[/i:16j64v0j]! )
However a part of me cannot but help feel sorry for that poor Mr Banks who I fear will be in a state of bewildered horror that it should have come to this. And by popular demand too (must be art you know). I fear for what this may do his (already uncertain) state of mind. And him such a respectable hobbit too.
Hey! Is that someone knocking....? No, [i:3rsxyfey]banging[/i:3rsxyfey] on my door! Excuse me! Oh it's the Shirriffs shouting now! This is becoming ridiculous...! And I'm only halfway through my collecting... I'll call you back, Mr Tyrant!
Now, the good news is, after some erudite conversation with the Sherrifs, I persuaded them that it was Mr Banks who needed incarceration - for his own good. They have taken him and lodged him in a sandy hole with soft sandy sides and no roots to butt his head against or to attach items of clothing to as anchor points. He has a stick of celery for a knife and a hollow turnip for a spoon - I'm sure that is wise, don't you? Who knows what he'll do if he turns his anger on himself (due to our former close assocation, it is feared there is every chance he will do so!)
The upside is, he won't be bothering you folk on the Vulgar Threads for awhile, and that can only be good.
I'm minded now for some reason of the Great Australian Poet, Banjo Patterson:
"I sailed around my head,
Inside and out,
I flew beneath the ground tonight!
I ate my toes,
And as one knows
Toes only go so far as toes do go!
And then exhausted in my zeal,
I built a ship from apple peel,
On the mountains tall and tight,
I sailed in snow,
Both black and white!
I now sit here,
Both my lungs,
Are in a jar."
I'm not sure what this has to say about Mr Banks current plight, but I think it does suggest his state of mind.
I seem to remember some channelling about The Noble Haggis that eitther I or Mr Banks put on a Thread. A fine poem (if it was [i:2ce9rglo]me[/i:2ce9rglo] who channelled it, it would have been excellent). Do I remember correctly? If so, do you know where I might find it, as I'd like to put it in The Wise Collection. Also any other channellings you might know of??? The Vulgar Threads are an absolute mess - I blame GB for that - and I'm sure there will be other bits of Classic Wise Odo, and even some sub-standard Banks (I promised him I'd be supportive!)
But, your fine rhyme, it was on time.
Tonight I was so melancholic,
Until I read your ditty.
It turned my frown into a smile
Because you are so witty.
Both Witty and so very wise,
In one audacious package.
Your work it should not be despised,
by some with brains of cabage.
Should you wish to visit, sweet Harad,
Its better if you are, still single,
The dunes are dry and the girls aint bad.
as their eyes are bright and their bellies jingle.
Instead of the horse, we have the camel,
A mouth thats full of spit.
One hump and lots of tooth enamel.
And a face that speaks of wit.
Cast not your pearls before these swine,
Regret not a word, delete not a line,
Your pen it is a scepter.
I now proclaim to one and all,
Wise Odo is my mentor.
So visit please my sweet harad.
Fine wine for you i'll furnish
My rhymes need work, but they aint too bad.
Your fan, a whirling dervish.
[i:erzav1pl]They say that in the East
there is a priest
a thief a niece a man at peace
he sends out his cry
to bird and sky
he knows just why
the great do sigh
while ruling all that creep
his eye is clear
he knows no fear
he drinks sweet beer
(non-alcoholic, I hear)
his heart reaches out'
he knows no doubt
he knows a Great Poet
(don't I know it!)
this Fan aint fraid to show it!
my thoughts are
not full of jumbly
vain, not me,
i stand above the world
but as I said,
Oh so good to be
my beauty seen
my talent realized
fly in the sky
yes high above
the Mortal Guys!
Shall I go on
Is it not true
How good it is
That which I do?
you may clean my boots
poetic boots -
and brush my suits -
but for all that
your pome's a hoot!!!![/i:erzav1pl]
Can you search threads for a word on here? Don't imagine 'haggis' comes up that often in a LoTR forum.
Mr Tyrant (and to anyone else who might CARE in the least!) Mr Banks has [size=150:1xumg7xy][b:1xumg7xy]escaped[/b:1xumg7xy][/size:1xumg7xy]!!!!
From THE HOBBIT HORN:
[i:1xumg7xy]"Mr Odo Banks, esquire, Gentlehobbit, sadly deserted by most of his friends during his sad Malaise (save Wise Odo of Bywater and Mr Tyrant of Scotsdale) has [b:1xumg7xy]ESCAPED[/b:1xumg7xy] from the Lockholes.
Old Mayor Samwise reports the sadly bewildered Gentlehobbit was seen burrowing up out of the Lockhole he was in - badger-like. The Sherrif on duty crawled quickly after him and laid hands on the cuffs of his trousers, but Mr Banks wriggled free (of both the Lockhole and his trousers!) and was last seen scuttling into trees north of the East Road possibly making for Hobbiton (or perhaps Rushock Bog) armed with an umbrella.
Two Sherrifs have been sent to Bywater where lies the residence of Mr Banks' esteemed namesake, Odo Banks, who is better known (and accurately so) as WISE Odo. The fear is that Mr Banks in his [b:1xumg7xy]RAVING[/b:1xumg7xy] state is bent on harming Wise Odo.
Good folk of the Shire should be aware: Mr Banks is dressed in an excellent tweed waitcoast with gold buttons and nothing else." [/i:1xumg7xy]
Oh Mr Tyrant. This is disastrous news! How can we help? (Seeing as I don't believe ANYONE ELSE will care! )
[size=200:1t39o825][b:1t39o825]Fear! Fire! Foes! [/b:1t39o825][/size:1t39o825]
Sadly I now fear for your well being Wise Odo, there is no knowing what he might take into his befuddled head to do now and I'm sure he will blame you for his brief incarceration. Lock the door to your hole up tight Wise Odo and bar the windows. I fear he may come a'knocking.
Oh Mr Tyrant, horns are blowing all over the shire but Mr Banks is proving ellusive. Pandemonium, Mr Tyrant. It's utter pandemonium!
I've tried to channel Mr Banks' location but all I keep getting is a big white moon with a dark crevice betwixt... What can it mean? I'm at my wits end (though Mirabella is valiantly trying to distract me with an erudite discussion of Elvish Poetry).
NB I have learned something stunning from Mirabella (who has deep knowledge of family History) - apparently Mr Banks and I were born Siamese Twins. A marvel (for a start, where in darnation is Siam?) A marvel, I say! We were born with one head, two legs, one heart, one spleen, two arms, two eyes... need I go on? We were perfectly connected in all parts, except MIND! It seems we were metaphorically separated some time ago... I'm so upset, nothing makes sense anymore... My life memories just now are anything but coherent or consistent.... What am I to do, Mr Tyrant? Oh Sweet Illuvatar! What am I to do?? What???
I have, as you know, been a Sheriff for several years now, but I confess I have never even heard of a Hobbit [i:3nbx92xs]Forum[/i:3nbx92xs]! But if you think it might help my investigation into Uncle Odo's alarming disappearance by coming onto this[i:3nbx92xs] Forum [/i:3nbx92xs](?) I will trust your word, as always.
As discussed with you, I've popped down to discuss matters with Chief Sheriff Gorbadoc in the Hobbiton Office. He thinks I should stay here and direct the Search, which means I'm not sure when I can get back to Bywater. But fear not, for Primadonna is sleek and strong and while curvaceous, quite tough and perfectly equipped to look after you. I trust she is keeping a proper eye on you even now. Be alert though! If she spends too much time in front of the mirror - or doing situps in her undergarments - you must inform me immediately! She's young, she's new, a passionate young ladyhobbit who is not always as fully respectable as one might like. Anyway, I guess you're Wise enough to know what to do if she gets fresh.
I will keep you posted.
Your affectionate niece,
Hobbiton Sheriffs Office
Primadonna seems a friendly lass - too friendly, I'm afraid. But I slapped her hands a couple of times, and the message seems to have got through. She is taking it well, though she pouted for awhile.
You'll be relieved to know I have barred my bedroom window, as per Mr Tyrant's sage advice, and have also affixed a bar across my bedroom door. If Mr Banks tries to come at me, he will have to fight past Primadonna [i:2r0m852y]and[/i:2r0m852y] break down my door. I can't see him doing either (he must have missed at least three meals by now - poor soul - unless he's found some roots or nuts to eat!)
You must not worry too much about me. We must put Mr Banks first. He is not well in the head and if he remains in the wild too long, who knows what might come of him!
Your affectionate Uncle,
NB Perhaps, I should start calling him [i:2r0m852y]'Odo' [/i:2r0m852y]as he [i:2r0m852y]is[/i:2r0m852y] my brother, however sad that knowledge is just now.... But I should not be selfish. Family before Reputation, I guess....
Nice job on the avatar by the way, you grabbed the perfect moment- excellent stuff.
Pleased to make your acquaintance. Your references are puzzling, but Uncle Wise has told me you are a Loremaster of some standing and I trust you are just making intelligent allusions of some kind. If you can supply information on the current whereabouts of Uncle Odo, please forward them to me by all means. I am new here, so if your allusions are of a nature to further my investigations, please be as kind as to explain them.
Dear Mr Tyrant,
You are quite right. This has become something of a family affair, but I assure you, as far as Sheriffdom goes, I will conduct an unbiased and professional investigation. I might also add, Uncle Wise has intimated to me that you are the first friend of my Uncle's to come foreward, showing some genuine concern for his welfare, and I thank you for that.
I hope all is going well for you in Scotsdale. I trust that Scotsdale is a small hamlet in the North Farthing? I have not heard of it? Or perhaps the name of a small estate somewhere else in the Shire? Whatever the case, thank you for caring (when many others, apparently, don't!)
I had forgotten that you are unfamiliar with the more technical aspects of forums such as this. However, I would refer you to [url=http://the-hobbit-movie.com/forum/members/odo-banks-1666.html:1tsv4swb]this webpage[/url:1tsv4swb] (not that you know what that means, I would imagine) for more information about Mr Odo Banks.
I do appreciate your suggestion. Sadly, on following up your lead, I learned nothing to assist me further. But please don't think you have wasted too much of my valuable time. even with useless information, for it is almost always the case in life that it is the thought that counts.
Please don't hesitate to offer any other ideas you have. Who knows, you might might actually come up with something that helps. After all, a Sheriffs mind is like a parachute: if it's not open, it doesn't work.
Fearing death by axe Mr Banks had Wise Odo arrested by the Sherriffs who tried to take him to the Lockholes without an umbrella. Fortunately (and possibly suspiciously) Wise Odo has relatives who are sherriffs and the matter was quickly resolved. Resulting in Mr Banks being placed under arrest for being slightly unhinged and armed with an umbrella and very nearly a lemon drizzle cake. However Mr Banks escaped imprisonment by knowing how to burrow like a badger at the expense of his trousers and has fled, whereabouts unknown and can presumably be heard in the woods of Hobbiton shouting "We hates it Wise Odo, we hates it, we hates it forever!"
Wise Odo's sherriff relative is therefore conducting her investigation on various threads Mr banks is known to visit, although I don't know if she trying to help Mr Banks, get evidence against his state of mind, or prove if he has been framed. I suppose we shall have to wait and see where the investigation takes her. Unless of course she's here to sherriff all of us!
You have availed yourselves of, and logically connected most of, the facts. There appears to be at least one major discrepancy though; for the said Lemon Drizzle Cake had a certain[i:mgpoxdbq] 'file' [/i:mgpoxdbq]in it, a salient detail methinks that you [i:mgpoxdbq]failed[/i:mgpoxdbq] to mention to Mr Eldorion. You are right though, that it failed to reach Uncle Odo before he escaped. (If it had, you yourself might be facing charges!)
I might say, your views of Uncle Wise seem a little soured since last you corresponded (Uncle keeps me informed) for rumour has it that you are even now one who might aid and abet Uncle Odo. You cannot support both personages, Mr Tyrant! Not fully!
Now, you must know I am family - not just some cool and cynical official looking for Promotion by capturing a clever Mental Health escapee! My only desire - even if I were Promoted - would be to get him help.
Mr Tyrant, I feel you are a learned person who has some natural knowledge of Mental Health issues! I implore you to tell me what you know. I feel (using my feminine intuition to full capacity) that you know where he is - or have at least had some kind of contact with him.
Please. Think of Uncle Odo's wellbeing. Yes, it might seem exciting to befriend an escaped convict, but it is a perilous road that, trust me. No, I'm not saying Uncle Odo is a handsome and dangerous felon (handsome, yes, felon, no), but I fear that is how you see him just now. Please get those stars out of your eyes. Don't think of him so much as your dashing hero, but as a potentially dangerous psychopath!
As to anyone overhearing Uncle Odo's inane babblings... where and when was that? They do sound suspciously genuine. Let me know how you know, by return post, or Officials may have to visit Scotsadale, good sir! (Also, could you talk to your young Loremaster friend, Mr Eldorion, for he seems to have his own set of [i:mgpoxdbq]inane babblings[/i:mgpoxdbq], I see!)
Acting Assistant-Chief Sheriff
my problem is simple. I do, as you say, have some expertise in the fields of mental health and Mr Banks seems outwardly to be suffering from a persecution complex. However there can be two causes for this.
1. He has indeed "gone off" as they say in the Shire and his persecution is delusional.
2. He has been stitched up and really is being persecuted.
I am sure you are a thorough investigator and would never let family relations cloud an investigation. Therefore I would advise you to view previous correspondence between Mr Banks and Wise Odo, and in particular the poem which sparked this escalation and draw your judgements.
Until such time as Mr Banks state of mind can be determined, and Wise Odo is absolved of any hand in the affair, I feel it is prudent to keep any knowledge I may, or may not have, about the whereabouts of Mr Banks a secret. Rest assured however that if I were to make contact with him I would gainsay any thoughts of causing harm to Wise Odo or others.
Until you draw your conclusions I must consider both parties innocent hobbits.
I have skills that might be useful when i get there as I am a Desert Screamer, one of the elite Rangers with their sharpey sharp sharp sharp scimitars. If he touches one hair on your luxureous head, I will track him down and shave his feet. Get a pair of his trousers for me as it is easier to track a Hobbit by his bottom print when he takes his copious rest stops.
I assure you I meant nothing by my poem. As you know I tolerate Odo (my own dear [i:vfbjikb6]deluded[/i:vfbjikb6] brother!) with the deepest sense of toleration, and still do. If he was anything but deluded, why didn't he stay put and PROVE himself sane, possibly with a skein of witty aphorisms, a group of intelligent catch phrases, and a selection of [i:vfbjikb6]quality [/i:vfbjikb6]poetry? I am minded of an old poem of Sir Richard Burton, Explorer and Poet (though his Missus burnt his folios, though even that callously stupid act is not proof against skilled channnellers!)
[i:vfbjikb6]When a brother is reputed to feel persecuted,
The other brother, his brother lover, [Platonic love - not the other!]
Must always seek on swiftly running feet,
To drag the poor soul into a lock hole.
It's the only answer to this hideous cancer,
That eats a brother's mind, you'll find![/i:vfbjikb6]
Please take note of this Mr Tyrant. It obviously tells us something about the current situation!
Please come if you can, but please be less hasty. The roads you tread are hard and long, and I fear your camels will wear out their knees. Please conduct your business in Gondor and don't hurry or shirk tis task - for one must think of his family, and I trust you need gold and silver for the feeding and clothing of same (and the digging of a new well is never a poor investment in Harad, I believe). I would hope though that my (possibly) viciously vindictive brother will be caught well before you can ever get here, and yet - and call me [i:95z55nge]selfish[/i:95z55nge] - I would very much love to meet you in person and, perhaps, if you are willing, provide you a couple of talks for your [i:95z55nge]Improvement[/i:95z55nge]. One I call, "How to Channel Effectively" and the other, "The Why's and Wherefore's of Polite Behavior - Western Style."
Yours with the greatest goodwill,
NB Please keep your scimitar sharp - just in case. Odo is still armed with an umbrella. The weather being fine just now, I cannot believe he keeps it for any but a martial purpose! (He also, between you and me, appears to be attracting support from certain... ahh...dare I say... [i:95z55nge]un[/i:95z55nge]trustworthy sorts.... Between you and me, mind!)
I appreciate your sound and perfectly reasoned defense of Uncle Odo. Indeed, I applaud you for it. You are clearly a Gentleman (if, indeed, it's polite to call [i:2wa7hvgj]yo[/i:2wa7hvgj]u a Man, for no one here seems to know what a [i:2wa7hvgj]Scot[/i:2wa7hvgj] is, whether Man or Hobbit??) So if perchance you make contact with my Uncle, please ask him to attend The Sherif'f's Office in Hobbiton. Gorbadoc and I will have a friendly chat with him and hopefully sort out the business in a charming and informal atmosphere. Ensure, however, that he leaves his umbrella behind. Tell him not to worry about his lack of trousers for I have a pair for him - with gold buttons. A large lunch will be provided him if he is not later than 1pm. (There will be several seedcakes, freshly baked this morning, and I am happy to send out for Lemon Drizle Cake, if need be).
NB There will be several other Sheriff's on hand, no more than twelve, but they have been tasked... for something else.... Tell Uncle Odo not to be troubled by their fully armed presence.
I count on chatting with regards to various topics with every body.
However back to plan a, if you could channel to me your location I would be that much quicker in arriving. Between you and me I could head of in front of these dumb, slow witted and overconfidant armies and whisk Odo Banks out of their grasp. I will consult with my camels for to arrive at a plan, "a plan so cunning you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel." (a local quote from one Southern Dervish named Slack Bladder)
I will however have to curtale the reading of my camels to keep their minds fresh. At the moment they are making their way through the works of Tun Tsu and his art of espionage.
Your faithful fan
ps. I got word that the permits will be through very soon.