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Thread: Bilbo's First Impression of Gollum

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It was upon my long quest with the Dwarves, my greatest adventure; that I did first encounter the creature Smeagol, now commonly known as Gollum, due to the vile noises he made. We had been robbed and then trapped by the goblins, when I chanced to fall down a hole that I felt must surely lead to my death, when I quite unexpectedly landed in shallow water. I was dazed and confused for a moment, thinking to myself of pleasant things, as Gandalf had once advised, until I heard something approach. I hoped for rescue, but it was nothing of the sort! Instead, in a terrible amount of noise, there arose from what could only be seen as a booger boat, held together with a generous supply of earwax, a most grotesque creature resembling a slimy, giant stenchfrog! It was a frightful apparition of greenish gray, with enormous, bulbous eyes, a froglike mouth, and the most dreadful smell of dead fish one could imagine, and worst of all it was wearing only an indecent loincloth which also seemed to be composed entirely of boogers! Then it made the most unearthly noises, talking to itself and smelling unwholesomely of rotten fish and worse. I introduced myself, as proper manners would predicate, but the thing seemed more intent upon dining than conversation. To my utter dismay, it offered me a terrifying bargain of riddles, which I accepted, feeling that I had little choice. However, luck being with me, I gratefully won, the vile creature eyeing me as dinner the entire time. “Aahhhack, Aaahdh!” the creature screamed, apparently unhappy about losing, and scratching itself, seeming to be composed of some sort of slime layer, which I then recognized absolutely as boogers. Now, not all boogers come from the nose. Eye boogers, ass boogers, toe boogers! Heavens, the hideous creature was composed of all of them! Now, I knew there was something terribly wrong with this creature; the infernal aspect was that I did not know the precise cause! It hopped toward me, in the most grotesque and foulest of fashions, an ungodly stench accompanying the creature. The strange way the beast had of referring to itself in the third person, and as “the Precious,” was disconcerting, to say the least! Well, I expected the creature to honor our agreement, as per the ancient laws, and to show me the way out, but instead, it began behaving strangely. With a dreadful and unexpected noise, Gollum leapt back into his booger boat, and paddled to his booger island. Made of boogers, fish bones and calcified turds, with a generous helping of earwax to hold it all together, stood a frightful hut of dirt, rocks, and Gollum’s own. Now, the noise he had made upon the shore was nothing compared to the din he created once he reached his booger hut, whereupon he commenced to make an incredible amount of howling and muttering. With an unreal amount of yowling, Gollum leapt back into his booger boat, and sped straight towards me, muttering maniacally the entire way! At that point, I experienced a moment of dread and disgust so profound it nearly propelled me back up the hole I had fallen down into! I realized that Gollum truly intended to devour me, and I gripped my sword, Sting, with a terrifying intensity, borne entirely of fear. It was then that the trinket in my pocket rolled across my palm, and I slipped it upon my finger. Now, had that disgusting fiend Gollum not been there, it might have been months before I would have discovered its powers, but necessity being the mother of invention, I discovered its properties immediately. Gollum assumed that I had run away, and shrieking and muttering to himself, ran towards the exit. I merely followed him, and found my way out! Now, I agree, it was most peculiar and unusually fortunate, and could have ended in an entirely different, and most dreadful fashion, but we Bagginses have the most extraordinary luck…
Erm :? ....that was some...interesting...yes, that's the word <img src='/images/smileys/bigsmile.gif' border='0' alt='Big Smile Smilie' /> , an interesting bit of Fan Fiction there Sibyl69. <img src='/images/smileys/wink.gif' border='0' alt='Wink Smilie' /> [b:1v6r0dzj]GB[/b:1v6r0dzj]
Oooh, it's fanfiction? The OP actually makes much more sense in light of that. Anyway, welcome to the forum, Sibyl!
Thanks, guys, once I had that narrative in my mind I had to write it down!