Login | Register
 
Message Board | Latest Posts | Your Recent Posts | Rules

Thread: Help PLZ!

Is this discussion interesting? Share it on Twitter!

Bottom of Page    Message Board > Literature and Poems > Help PLZ!   
I wrote this poem for a magazine that we have to make for a class assaignment. My group memebers don't think the poem is appropiate for the magazine. (it's for teen girls) they think its too depressing and unrelatable. I'd like some tips plz to help me fix it up.

My breath is wasted
Screams left unheard
All alone
What is this feeling?
Why do I cry?
Take my tears and let you drown
Find the pain which you have created
This nothing takes over
There is no end
I know loves this feeling
That makes me wish
I was no longer here.
Not any more.
I was locked in a prison
A windowless prison
Love locked me away
It hurts less to hate
My wounds scream
As i mourn my love for you
This is really a late reply but I just saw this thread.

I don't really have any criticism as your poem is full of feeling and I'm sure many people would relate to it. All of us have experienced the emotions you write about. The only thing I might suggest is to write in longer sentences and use some descriptions such as tears falling 'like rain' or 'streaming' and pain being like 'a dull ache' or 'throbbing'. I like the way you compare being in love to being in prison, that's very good. Hope this helps!
I agree with Sian and might I add that if you give a little glimpse of hope, a ray of silver light in the teen's mind to go on and live and try again that would be very helpful. For though this sort of pain is intense and you really might feel like life is over and or feel like shutting oneself down and not allowing these tender feelings to come again is the answer, it is not. There are too many girls and boys out there that give up and are ruined forever or end their lives over something that, honestly, were they to embrace life and it's hope once again,would make them wonder why they felt that badly at all. The very delicacy of youth and impassioned feelings cause us to feel so deeply about things that perhaps only a few years down the road would not.
So like dear Sian suggested, go back and strengthen each sentence, say it out loud to yourself as if you were listening to someone else reading it from their heart. Make the corrections, tighten it and yes being descriptive with just that right word, don't go overboard, will bring power and a dark beauty to your poem.
the best to you.