Americas Cleverest President
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger said, "I'm Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player, the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first pack and left the plane.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the former president of the United States, I am also the most ambitious woman in the world and I am a New York Senator and a potential future president." She just took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, George W. Bush, said: "I'm President of the United States of America, I have a great responsibility being the leader of a superpower nation. And above all I'm the cleverest President in American history, so America's people won't let me die." So he put on the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.
The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year-old school boy, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, as a Catholic I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute. The boy said, "It's OK, there's a parachute left for you. America's cleverest President has taken my schoolbag."
Thread: Jokes!
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A nice one dear, Mell! But I thought the smartest person in the plane was a King visiting Oslo these days. Or as he write it himself the The Knug! But of course he wasn't a president!
ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
yo momma soo fat when she walked across the tv i missed 3 episodes
Yo' Mama is so stupid, she bought a video tape on how to fix your VCR!
yo mamma soooo stupid she thought square root was a vegetable
You're Mama is sssssssooooooooooooooo ugly, she went to a haunted house and came out with an application.
Your momma is so ugly she makes blind kids cry
You're Momma so ugly, her doctor is a vet.
You're Momma so ugly, when you went to the zoo they refused to let her out.
Your momma is so ugly she makes blind kids cry
You're Momma so ugly, her doctor is a vet.
You're Momma so ugly, when you went to the zoo they refused to let her out.
Yo Momma is so stupid she didn't drown you when you was hatched.
I hope no one takes umbrage with these; they aren't meant to be taken personally. We should probably not allow them, but I don't think they at too bad; though they are worse than the one I remember from my youth, "Yo Mamma wears army boots."
I hope no one takes umbrage with these; they aren't meant to be taken personally. We should probably not allow them, but I don't think they at too bad; though they are worse than the one I remember from my youth, "Yo Mamma wears army boots."
Yo mama is so fat that her belt is the equator. So funny.
I really have too much work to do to be online but I discovered this thread 
Hilarious! I'm forwarding all the engineer jokes to husband who is a civil engineer.
Here's one he forwarded me:
Three recently married men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a Woman from Iowa and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Illinois he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and food was on the table.
The third man had married a girl from Idaho. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.
Last is an old favorite of my blonde daughter's:
What's black and blue and lays in the gutter? A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.
Hilarious! I'm forwarding all the engineer jokes to husband who is a civil engineer. Here's one he forwarded me:
Three recently married men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a Woman from Iowa and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Illinois he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and food was on the table.
The third man had married a girl from Idaho. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.
Last is an old favorite of my blonde daughter's:
What's black and blue and lays in the gutter? A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.
ROFLMFAO
luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuvvee it!!!
luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuvvee it!!!
Ok three girls come back from a party and they're drunk they go into a barn for some drunken reason and they see the farmer comin so they hide in three different sacks and the farmer prods the sacks with a pitch fork when he prods the first sack the girl barks so he thinks its the dog and when he prods the second the girl mee yaowwws so he thinks its the cat then he prods the last sack and the girl shouts potatoes.
lol
I assume those potatoes were blonde?
I assume those potatoes were blonde?
Did you know if you pour whiskey onto your grass/lawn it comes up half cut!! 
T-shirts that should exist......!
I'm confused,
No wait,
Maybe I'm not...
Despite the look on my face,
you're still talking?
Don't take life
so seriously.
It isn't permanent.
Let me drop everything
& work on your problem!
DYSLEXICS
UNTIE!
i see
dumb
people
EMBARRASSING
MY CHILDREN:
Just one more
service I offer
getting married was her idea.
HERE I AM
now what are your other two wishes?
I am not fluent in
IDIOT
so please speak
slowly & clearly
I never make mistakes.
I thought i did once,
but I was mistaken.
333
I'm only half evil
If a man speaks in the forest,
but there is no woman to hear him,
IS HE STILL WRONG?
to err is human...
but to blame someone else
shows management potential.
The Top Ten Reasons
I Procrastinate:
1.
Some days it's not worth
chewing through the restraints.
I'M RETIRED
go around me
Remeber, you're unique
like everybody else.
Squirrels:
Natures Little
Speed Bumps
REHAB
is for quitters
Everyone is born right handed.
Only the gifted overcome it.
Who are you and why
are you reading my shirt?
* DEPARTMENT OF *
REDUNDANCY
- DEPARTMENT -
PETA
People Eating
Tasty Animals
WORK HARDER
Million on Welfare
Depend on it!
I'm confused,
No wait,
Maybe I'm not...
Despite the look on my face,
you're still talking?
Don't take life
so seriously.
It isn't permanent.
Let me drop everything
& work on your problem!
DYSLEXICS
UNTIE!
i see
dumb
people
EMBARRASSING
MY CHILDREN:
Just one more
service I offer
getting married was her idea.
HERE I AM
now what are your other two wishes?
I am not fluent in
IDIOT
so please speak
slowly & clearly
I never make mistakes.
I thought i did once,
but I was mistaken.
333
I'm only half evil
If a man speaks in the forest,
but there is no woman to hear him,
IS HE STILL WRONG?
to err is human...
but to blame someone else
shows management potential.
The Top Ten Reasons
I Procrastinate:
1.
Some days it's not worth
chewing through the restraints.
I'M RETIRED
go around me
Remeber, you're unique
like everybody else.
Squirrels:
Natures Little
Speed Bumps
REHAB
is for quitters
Everyone is born right handed.
Only the gifted overcome it.
Who are you and why
are you reading my shirt?
* DEPARTMENT OF *
REDUNDANCY
- DEPARTMENT -
PETA
People Eating
Tasty Animals
WORK HARDER
Million on Welfare
Depend on it!
Ahahaha, I love this thread!!
Quote:
We were thoroughly confused. While transcribing medical
audiotapes, my co-worker came upon the following garbled
diagnosis: "This man has pholenfrometry."
Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she
double-checked with the doctor. After listening to the
tape, he shook his head.
"This man," he said, translating for her, "has fallen from
a tree."
We were thoroughly confused. While transcribing medical
audiotapes, my co-worker came upon the following garbled
diagnosis: "This man has pholenfrometry."
Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she
double-checked with the doctor. After listening to the
tape, he shook his head.
"This man," he said, translating for her, "has fallen from
a tree."
To blonds met on opposite sides of a stream.
"How do I get to the other side?" yelled the first blond to the second.
Replied the second blond, "Silly, you already are on the other side."
"How do I get to the other side?" yelled the first blond to the second.
Replied the second blond, "Silly, you already are on the other side."
Blonde jokes never get old 
A famous soccer player parked his brand new porsche outside a gift store and went inside to shop.
About ten minutes later a blonde salesgirl ran up to him shouting, "I just saw someone steal your sports car."
"Did you try to stop him?" asked the soccer player.
"No," said the blonde. "I did better than that, I got the registration number of the car!"
A famous soccer player parked his brand new porsche outside a gift store and went inside to shop.
About ten minutes later a blonde salesgirl ran up to him shouting, "I just saw someone steal your sports car."
"Did you try to stop him?" asked the soccer player.
"No," said the blonde. "I did better than that, I got the registration number of the car!"
Here is the lameist joke ever, I made it myself.
"What do you call a guy who can't walk?"
Stumped?
"LAME!"
"What do you call a guy who can't walk?"
Stumped?
"LAME!"
QWhat do you call a guy who can't walk?
AGrondy
That's probably not funny.
AGrondy
That's probably not funny.
Thoughtful(?) sayings from people who really ought to know better
_______________________________________________________________________________
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,' Heather Whitestone, Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
_______________________________________________________________________________
Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.' Mariah Carey
_______________________________________________________________________________
'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,' Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
_______________________________________________________________________________
'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,'
Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
_______________________________________________________________________________
'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,' former Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC
_______________________________________________________________________________
'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,' A congressional candidate in Texas
_______________________________________________________________________________
'Half this game is ninety percent mental.' former Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
_______________________________________________________________________________
'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.' Al Gore, Vice President
_______________________________________________________________________________
'I love California I practically grew up in Phoenix .' Dan Quayle, former US Vice President
_______________________________________________________________________________
'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?' Lee Iacocca
_______________________________________________________________________________
'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.' Joe Theisman, former NFL football quarterback & sports analyst
_______________________________________________________________________________
'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.' Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
________________________________________________________________________________
'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.' Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
________________________________________________________________________________
'Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas.' Keppel Enderbery
________________________________________________________________________________
'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.' Mark S. Fowler, former FCC Chairman
********************************************
********************************************
Note Not all Americans are this uneducated, it just seems we are.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,' Heather Whitestone, Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
_______________________________________________________________________________
Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.' Mariah Carey
_______________________________________________________________________________
'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,' Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
_______________________________________________________________________________
'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,'
Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
_______________________________________________________________________________
'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,' former Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC
_______________________________________________________________________________
'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,' A congressional candidate in Texas
_______________________________________________________________________________
'Half this game is ninety percent mental.' former Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
_______________________________________________________________________________
'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.' Al Gore, Vice President
_______________________________________________________________________________
'I love California I practically grew up in Phoenix .' Dan Quayle, former US Vice President
_______________________________________________________________________________
'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?' Lee Iacocca
_______________________________________________________________________________
'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.' Joe Theisman, former NFL football quarterback & sports analyst
_______________________________________________________________________________
'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.' Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
________________________________________________________________________________
'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.' Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
________________________________________________________________________________
'Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas.' Keppel Enderbery
________________________________________________________________________________
'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.' Mark S. Fowler, former FCC Chairman
********************************************
********************************************Note Not all Americans are this uneducated, it just seems we are.
A bear walked in to the bar, sidled up to the bartender, and said, "I would like a beer ................... ....................................................................................................................
....................................................................................................................
....................................................................................................................
.................................................and a bag of peanuts."
The bartender replied, "Why the big pause?"
Its a groaner, where: pause = paws. Its works better as an audio joke.
....................................................................................................................
....................................................................................................................
.................................................and a bag of peanuts."
The bartender replied, "Why the big pause?"
Its a groaner, where: pause = paws. Its works better as an audio joke.
A man is lying sick in a hospial. He looks beside him and sees his wife.
"Darling," he says. "Whenever i'm been sick you were by my side, when i had an accident you were by my side, when i was shot you were by my side...."
"Hush," his wife said. "Don't mention it"
The husband answers, "What i meant was that u really are bad luck for me"
"Darling," he says. "Whenever i'm been sick you were by my side, when i had an accident you were by my side, when i was shot you were by my side...."
"Hush," his wife said. "Don't mention it"
The husband answers, "What i meant was that u really are bad luck for me"