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Post#641 » Wed Jan 28, 2004 5:37 pm

You know you're Canadian when......

Almost everything is spelled "wrong". Such as Colour instead of color, neighbours instead of neighbors, etc.
Contests run by anyone other than the government have "skill-testing questions" that winners must answer correctly before they can claim a prize.
Everything is labelled in English and French.
Everything is measured in metric (no the temp. doesn't drop at the border nor does the speed limit double)
It's pronounced zed not zee, roof not ruff, ketchup not catsup etc.
Milk comes in plastic bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
Mountain Dew has no caffeine.
People actually take vacations in Cuba and Cuban cigars are readily available.
People end a lot of their sentences with eh?
People give distances in time not miles.
Red ribbons indicate 1st place while blue ribbons indicate 2nd place.
Teenagers can legally drink. 18 in Alberta, Quebec, and Manitoba. 19 for the rest.
The beer is stronger and the cigarettes weaker.
The big banks are TD Canada Trust, CIBC, Royal, Scotia, Bank of Montreal, National Bank of Canada and Hong Kong Bank of Canada.
The biggest department stores are The Bay, Sears, Zellers and WalMart.

If anyone tries to take my coffee I will hurl them into the fires of Mt. Doom!

Posts: 4


Post#642 » Tue Feb 03, 2004 3:02 pm

I'm liking these jokes. Let me try one...

Question: What did the Dyslexic, Agnostic, Insomniac do?

Answer: Stayed up all night wondering if there really is a Dog.

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Post#643 » Tue Feb 03, 2004 5:34 pm

Good one Lordstark. :elkgrin:
'Share and enjoy'

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Post#644 » Wed Feb 04, 2004 11:19 am

I liked it too, that's my kind of joke. By the way, was that the same dyslexic who sold his soul to santa? :grin:

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Post#645 » Wed Feb 04, 2004 1:37 pm

20 Reasons why a Woman Should Call it a Night................

1. You have absolutely no idea where your bag is.

2. You truly believe that dancing with your arms overhead and wiggling your bottom while yelling WOO-HOO is truly the sexiest dance move around.

3. You've suddenly decided that you want to kick someone's @ss and honestly believe that you could do it too.

4. In your last trip to "pee" you realise you now look more like Lily Savage than the goddess you were just four hours ago.

5. You drop your 3:00 a.m. kebab on the floor (which you're eating even though you're not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.

6. You start crying and telling everyone you see that you love them sooooo much.

7. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.

8. You've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to you.

9. The man you're flirting with used to be your biology teacher.

10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.

11. Your eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so you decide to keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.

12. You seem to think that its a really good idea to get your mates to push you down the street in a shopping trolley.

13. You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just lemonade, but that's just because you can no longer taste the vodka.

14. You think you're in bed, but the pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.

15. You start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take this the WRONG WAY but..."

16. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.

17. Your hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.

18. You're soooo tired you just sit on the floor (wherever you happen to be standing) and take a quick nap.

19. You begin leaving the buttons open on your button fly pants to cut down on the time you're in the bathroom away from your drink.

20. You take your shoes off because you really believe it's their fault that you're having problems walking straight.

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Post#646 » Mon Feb 16, 2004 1:41 pm

Some new words that I found in my dictionary:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone: (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Cashtration: (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very, high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is, like, sending off all these really bad vibes, right? and then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a totally serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit: (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug: (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor: (n.) The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a*!hole.
What are you looking down here for?

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Post#647 » Mon Feb 16, 2004 5:43 pm

So, here's my first... Hope you'll enjoy it!

A cop was walking on a street. Looking across the street, he sees a monk, all dressed in black, reading from a Bible and praying. Checking all around, the cop starts following the monk, trying his best not to be noticed. At one turn, the monk goes on a dark alley; the cop closes up behind him and, with no warning, hits him in the head, then starts beating him up. After a while, when people gather up, yet do not dare to interfere, the cop, tired, whipes out the sweat from his brow and, with a very satisfied look, says to the uncounscious and almost dead monk:
“Huh... what did you think, ninja, that life is a movie?!?”
Evil may yet be good to have been ... and yet remain evil. (Silmarillion)

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Post#648 » Tue Feb 17, 2004 11:17 am

speaking of monks, the nuns were working to completely refurbish the huge library in the abbey. the nuns were working on repainting the walls and sanding and restaining bookshelves. it was in the middle of the dog days of summer, and it wasn't long before the library became stifling hot. the cloor-to-ceiling windows were all opened in the hopes that the breeze would cool off the hard-working nuns. the open windows did not help. the nuns began thinking, trying to come up with a way to stay cool in the midst of the unbearable heat. finally, sister mary frances had had enough. this is an abbey isn't it?, she asked aloud, there aren't any men here of course. well yes replied sister mary thomas. so why don't we just take off our clothes? it's not like anyone will see us, sister mary frances reasoned. although shocked by the suggestion, the rest of the nuns eventually agreed to sister mary frances's plan. before long, they were al back at work, much cooled by the absence of their heavy clothing. soon after, there was a knock at the door. the nuns looked worriedly at each other. who is it? called sister mary thomas in a quavering voice. it's the blind man, came the reply, may i come in? there was a period of whispered debate- in the end, seeing how the man was blind, the nuns saw no harm in letting him in. you may come in, said sister mary thomas. the blind man entered the library, took a good long look around, and said, now where exactly do you want these blinds installed?
we are men of action. lies do not become us.

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Post#649 » Tue Feb 17, 2004 11:18 am

is that considered non-family friendly? ^
we are men of action. lies do not become us.

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Post#650 » Tue Feb 17, 2004 11:22 am

*please note* i love lots of males, they are a whole lot of fun. but these jokes are for females, especially ones who dearly care about sometimes-stupid men.


He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery
money I gave you? She said . . ... Turn sideways and look in the
On a wall in a ladies room . . ."My husband follows me
everywhere" Written just below it . . .." I do not"
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.
Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.
Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.
Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and
A. They already have boyfriends.
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is
every night?
A widow
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the
Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in
A. They're married.
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."

But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

we are men of action. lies do not become us.

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