We>> again a poem ;-)

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Allyssa
Posts: 1657

We>> again a poem ;-)

Post#1 » Thu Jan 01, 1970 12:00 am

My suggetions, Neesa, though I don't know anything about poetry. It is extremely difficult to criticize or edit poetry, because there are no set rules to go by.
I put my ideas in bold. Hope they help. :D

[u] We (a stock-taking)[/u]

We are borne without a past,
Into the kingdom of Manwe,
The path layed open; we had the choice.

The High-People,
The Men of Twilight,
The Wild-Men.

All of the same hand
All of the same kin,
All the same doom,
But different in many way's.

Wisdom, foresight and deep frendship,
Didn't reman the one,
To do,
What the others unconciously did.

Are We truly just the
Sickly,
Inscrutable,
Self- cursed?

Our past today,
It is the battle of yesterday.

Our future today,
It is a part of former years.

Find the kin of Men peace?
Have We,
The After-commers,
Learned to understand our doom?

Is it all over?
Or it this a beginning?

Is the lesson over?
And setting our mentors,
With faith in the ranger of the North,
Sail to the West?

What want you more than,
Kill deadly,
Succesfull dying? /Lucky dying? (not sure here. I don't think that death is ever lucky or successful)

Mountful dying?
Mountful living? (not sure what you mean here. What does mountful mean exactly?)

A deadly victory over the dead of many thousands?

Freedom?
Be Men?



I hope that is of some use, Neesa.
"May the Angels Guide"

Nessa
Posts: 86

We>> again a poem ;-)

Post#2 » Thu Jan 01, 1970 12:00 am

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
Thanks for this quick answer!!!!!!
I hope that is of some use
Yeah sure it is!!
I don't know anything about poetry
I do either! ;-)
It is extremely difficult to criticize or edit poetry, because there are no set rules to go by.
The one mind is very good for such things ;-) I hope more people try to tell her opinion, then only this is the best.

Succesfull dying? /Lucky dying? (not sure here. I don't think that death is ever lucky or successful)


Mhm I think that the Elves are immortal (normaly they never dy :happyelf: ) right? In this way the Men must say they have a succesfull live and in this way they can dy with succes. I mean when you liked what you did in your live, then you can dy happy, then you know you are dying. Like Aragorn? :inlove:
And you know somebody, your one kin is after you.
And you go to Eru! When you believe in it.

Bey AND THANKS


Edit: MY NAME, please it is Nessa and not Neesa ;-)) But Okay no problem you wrote me a answer thats fantastic!



User avatar
valedhelgwath
Posts: 4233

We>> again a poem ;-)

Post#3 » Thu Jan 01, 1970 12:00 am

Succesfull dying? /Lucky dying? (not sure here. I don't think that death is ever lucky or successful)
I think from your explanation, Nessa, you are possibly looking for contended.

I'm possibly misinterpreting the meaning you are trying to portray with,
What want you more than,
Kill deadly,
Succesfull dying? /Lucky dying?

but I'd perhaps try....

What want you more than,
A swift death,
To die content.

User avatar
Allyssa
Posts: 1657

We>> again a poem ;-)

Post#4 » Thu Jan 01, 1970 12:00 am

Sorry, Nessa.

Elven dying. Could you mean "Willing death" or "Accepting of death"?
"May the Angels Guide"

User avatar
Peredhil
Posts: 2167

We>> again a poem ;-)

Post#5 » Thu Jan 01, 1970 12:00 am

There is also a slight grammatical error, on the part of both Nessa and Allyssa. Sorry to pick up on something so small, but layed is not a word. My suggestion would be The path lay open.
A mind full of fire and a fistful of steel.

Nessa
Posts: 86

We>> again a poem ;-)

Post#6 » Thu Jan 01, 1970 12:00 am

@Valedhelgwath

I think from your explanation, Nessa, you are possibly looking for contended.


Oh yeah, thanks thas the word what I need!

What want you more than,
A swift death,
To die content.


Mh, not realy what I mean.
*To die content* is fantastic, but the sentence *kill deadly* and *A swift dead* dont have the same meaning for me.

I try to explain:
*What want you more than* this question goes on you personal, in this way the next sentence ask you:
>*kill deadly*You want be a murdere? O slayer of other people on this world?
>*To die content?*Or you want a good live and you walk on the right path?

@Allyssa

Elven dying. Could you mean "Willing death" or "Accepting of death"?


I think you missunderstood me? Or maybe I am wrong. Okay. This poem is all over Men. So yeah the Men must to try *Accepting of death* but it doesn realy fit. I think I wrote this in a later sentence in the poem:
Find the kin of Men peace?
Have We,
The After-commers,
Learned to understand our doom?

*Accepting of death* is the meaning of *understanding oure doom. Better oure Gift. Oh yeah I change in this sentense *doom* to *gift* !!!! Thats good I think?

And Elves are never die Or I am wrong?

@Peredhil

There is also a slight grammatical error, on the part of both Nessa and Allyssa. Sorry to pick up on something so small, but layed is not a word. My suggestion would be The path lay open.

Can I write as well * The path laid open* , then I think it must be the past?!
Edit: it is'nt small, then I am a Non-English person and in this case (can I say this???) it is very importend! Thanks

Okay and @ you all THANKS very much, you don't know how much you help me, it is very hard to find such nice people ;-))))))))



User avatar
valedhelgwath
Posts: 4233

We>> again a poem ;-)

Post#7 » Thu Jan 01, 1970 12:00 am

And Elves are never die Or I am wrong?
The elves can die, Nessa. They do not die of sickness or old age like Men, but they can die of their wounds or from grief. Also, unlike Men, their spirits can be returned to Valinor after a long period in the Halls of Mandos.
Can I write as well * The path laid open* , then I think it must be the past?!
I think lay must be one of those English words that must be a nightmare for those whose first language is not English. Laid is the past and past part of Lay, where Lay means,
1) to place on a surface
2) to place something in a required position
3) to lay an egg

Where confusion can occur, is due to the fact that lay is also the past of another word, lie, where lie means,
1) be in or assume a horizontal position on a supporting surface,
2) rest flat on a surface,
3) be kept or remain in a specified state.

I think, therefore, in your poem (depending on your meaning), you need the past of Lay, which you were correct in saying was laid

User avatar
Allyssa
Posts: 1657

We>> again a poem ;-)

Post#8 » Thu Jan 01, 1970 12:00 am

I would like to add another little tip, if I may ...

You seem to be having a little trouble with possessives. The 's is only required if you wish to show ownership of something. It is not required for plurals.

ie: The dog's bone
There were several dogs. (no apostrophe)

Layed - yes, I took it as a minor spelling error too, Val. I was afraid that if I was too picky on Nessa's poem, she would get discouraged. It is so easy to get discouraged as a writer!

Keep at it Nessa! Don't let anyone put you off.
:D
"May the Angels Guide"

User avatar
grondmaster
Posts: 25451

We>> again a poem ;-)

Post#9 » Thu Jan 01, 1970 12:00 am

:D Keep at it Nessa! Don't let anyone put you off.
I agree Nessa, and remember you have the poetic license to do it your way.

Still, when suggestions have been offered, and one understands the reasoning behind them, one should also understand one's reasons for rejecting them. A little poetic license goes a long ways, so just don't over do it. :happyelf:
'Share and enjoy'

Nessa
Posts: 86

We>> again a poem ;-)

Post#10 » Thu Jan 01, 1970 12:00 am



Mhm I am sitting now in front of the comp and I be quite disconcerted and I do not know completely what you want to say.
Still, when suggestions have been offered, and one understands the reasoning behind them, one should also understand one's reasons for rejecting them.

I understand the meaning of this sentence (above) but I cant realy conect this with my statements???

Do you want to refer me, that I wrote, for a while, enough peoms?
A little poetic license goes a long ways, so just don't over do it
.

I am very sorry but I don't want that I maybe misunderstood you. But when you want to tell me that you think there is enough writing then tell me, Okay.
I realy dont like it when somebody tells me something over a flower.

But I know sometimes it is very confusing to understand me. In this way, please dont me mad of me, when I ask you twice. Okay, then sometimes I am not sure that I understand you right.

Okay bey

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