story

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elrose
Posts: 1471

story

Post#1 » Tue Nov 22, 2005 7:45 pm

Gimli sits down after starting the fire. "Legolas, why dont you pull out that thing you play and give us a tune?"
Aragorn: "NO!"
Legolas: "dont you like my playing aragorn?"
Aragorn: "ummm...no...its just that....uhhh....erm....Orcs! they will here! and...attack us!"
Legolas: "oh....."
Gimli starts snorting into his drink
legolass: "are you alright?"
Gimli: *snort*fine laddy *snort*

orcs come runiing over the hill "arrrgh!!!! we are her! we crave something!

legolass: "let me guess, man flesh...you guys need more creativity..."

lead orc: "noo! we crave something more! ENTERTAINMENT!! play music or die!!"

legolass: "alright, here, let me get out my piano, i'll sing for you to"

Aragorn starts attacking large group of orcs.



after posting this as a journal entry, i decided that i wanted feed back :-D

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Amarië
Posts: 2785

story

Post#2 » Wed Nov 23, 2005 12:14 am

Feed back? Here in public? Ok...

First of all: Spelling, punktuation, capital letter after full stop, capital letter in names and things like that. Comedy is serious business. If you don't even bother to put capital letter in the characters names, it will only seem like you have no passion for your story at all. And no one will want to read it.

"they will here!" They will what?

"Aragorn starts attacking large group of orcs."
If this is your puchline, I would suggest you rewrite it. Why does Aragorn attack? Is it because he doesn't want Legolas to sing? And what happens after he starts to attack? You haven't ended the story, you have paused in the middle of an action.

Now if you spend as much time with the text as you did with " _,.-~'END'~-.,_ ", then I am sure it will improve a lot. :)
"Don't complain under the stars
about the lack of bright spots in you life."
Henrik Wergeland, Norwegian writer

User avatar
Loss
Posts: 3691

story

Post#3 » Wed Nov 23, 2005 3:13 am

Yes and orcs only want man flesh silly not entertainment hmmm wot else.........

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elen
Posts: 435

story

Post#4 » Wed Nov 23, 2005 3:03 pm

Don't get upset about all that those people have posted above and will post below, Elrose.You see the critics are monsters usually,but you have a weapon against them - your new stories!!
Cheer up and remember that you walk your own walk!

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Amarië
Posts: 2785

story

Post#5 » Wed Nov 23, 2005 3:16 pm

He did ask for comments, and he got comments. This is contructive critisim. Or however that is spelled. :P We are trying to help him to make the story better. I know how it is to have a story in your head, but not getting it out on paper the way you'd like.

No one can make a perfect story on the first try, you need to work. I try to help him see what he can work on.
"Don't complain under the stars

about the lack of bright spots in you life."

Henrik Wergeland, Norwegian writer

User avatar
elen
Posts: 435

story

Post#6 » Wed Nov 23, 2005 3:53 pm

Of course, that's true, Amarie, but sometimes when you see only the critics surrounding you, you get rather confused and may refuse continuing at all.
There must be a positive voice as a stimulus. Let it be mine.;)

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Amarië
Posts: 2785

story

Post#7 » Wed Nov 23, 2005 11:52 pm

Yey! Good cop, bad cop. :police:
We'll have this lad writing like a pro in no time! I probably shound more grumpy then I mean to be in my posts, tone of voice means a lot and that is hard to add to a post. I intend to be very happy and positive when/if some changes are made, but don't tell anyone. Shhh... :paranoid:
"Don't complain under the stars

about the lack of bright spots in you life."

Henrik Wergeland, Norwegian writer

User avatar
valedhelgwath
Posts: 4233

story

Post#8 » Thu Nov 24, 2005 9:26 am

It's a little short to be able to comment on in detail...

To be honest my first reaction when I opened it yesterday was to not even read it. This was purely because the first thing I noticed was some glaring spelling mistakes, lack of capital letters, and poor punctuation. The hardest thing about creative writing is finding an idea to write. If you have a good enough idea to make an interesting story, then it is worth writing it well... By that I mean taking the effort to add capital letters and decent punctuation. When I see something that is poorly punctuated etc, my immediate reaction is that the plot will not be worth reading either.

I think part of the problem now days is that a lot of youngsters spend a lot of time texting, which leads to them writing a lot of abbreviations and using no grammar. That's fine for texting, but I feel it is very lazy to continue that trend into other forms of writing. Presentation does count for so much.

Don't be too disheartened, however. Everyone makes spelling mistakes. With work, that improves. Using capital letters and punctuation is easy. You just need to apply the effort to hit the shift key every now and again. You have improved a lot since you first joined the site.

So to the story.... Like I said, it's very short to be able to form an opinion. If that is it in its entirety, I would say it needs a bit of improving. As the opening paragraph to something longer, however, it has potential in that is different to the usual trend of Fan Fiction. An opening paragraph should grab the reader and make them want to continue reading. Part of me is curious to see how this opening would continue, so to that extent it has worked.

The main thing is that you seem to want to write. The more you practice, the better you will come. I found what helped me a lot was occasionally analysing how other authors actually write. It is very easy to read a story without actually doing that. If you look closely, you will find each author has their own style, and you can learn a lot by analysing how they do things.

Don't be disheartened. Keep trying, but remember it is better to spend twice as long getting one story right than doing two poorly.

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MelliotSandybanks
Posts: 1517

story

Post#9 » Thu Nov 24, 2005 10:57 am

I thought the story was kinda cute, and wanted to know what happens next, but I have to agree with the others, the spelling and grammar mistakes were quite distracting. Something I tend to do with some of my post is put them in a word processing program first and do a spelling and grammar check, before I post it here. I am great at the cut and paste function on the computer. That seems to help tremendously.

Mellie

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gandalf-olorin
Posts: 481

story

Post#10 » Thu Nov 24, 2005 11:27 am

I am glad some others have posted about your story, Elrose. I did not want to have to be the Big Bad English Teacher and point out your spelling, etc. So let me say a word about style.

You have chosen to write a story using Tolkien's characters, albeit in a humorous vein. It is alright to try to make them funny, but you cannot take them completely out of character to do that. You have to make Legolas sound like Legolas, Aragorn sound like Aragorn, etc., by their manner of speech. You can still take this same situation and improve on it, keep it humorous, but make the characters sound like they are the characters we all know and love. So look at the kinds of words and phrasing that Tolkien used in the books. Don't copy what he did, but use words and phrasing on that level when rewriting this story. The result you are looking for is that the story is truly funny because the characters have again come to life in a situation in which we have not seen them before.

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