It's a little short to be able to comment on in detail...
To be honest my first reaction when I opened it yesterday was to not even read it. This was purely because the first thing I noticed was some glaring spelling mistakes, lack of capital letters, and poor punctuation. The hardest thing about creative writing is finding an idea to write. If you have a good enough idea to make an interesting story, then it is worth writing it well... By that I mean taking the effort to add capital letters and decent punctuation. When I see something that is poorly punctuated etc, my immediate reaction is that the plot will not be worth reading either.
I think part of the problem now days is that a lot of youngsters spend a lot of time texting, which leads to them writing a lot of abbreviations and using no grammar. That's fine for texting, but I feel it is very lazy to continue that trend into other forms of writing. Presentation does count for so much.
Don't be too disheartened, however. Everyone makes spelling mistakes. With work, that improves. Using capital letters and punctuation is easy. You just need to apply the effort to hit the shift key every now and again. You have improved a lot since you first joined the site.
So to the story.... Like I said, it's very short to be able to form an opinion. If that is it in its entirety, I would say it needs a bit of improving. As the opening paragraph to something longer, however, it has potential in that is different to the usual trend of Fan Fiction. An opening paragraph should grab the reader and make them want to continue reading. Part of me is curious to see how this opening would continue, so to that extent it has worked.
The main thing is that you seem to want to write. The more you practice, the better you will come. I found what helped me a lot was occasionally analysing how other authors actually write. It is very easy to read a story without actually doing that. If you look closely, you will find each author has their own style, and you can learn a lot by analysing how they do things.
Don't be disheartened. Keep trying, but remember it is better to spend twice as long getting one story right than doing two poorly.