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Allyssa
Posts: 1657

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Post#1 » Thu Jan 01, 1970 12:00 am

Great story Orimono. It would be even better if you "fleshed it out" a little. More detail, ie: smells, sounds (chanting or singing maybe) and sensations (cold, hot). Stretch it out a bit more...make the reader sweat.

I am guessing from your nick, that English is not your first language? There are a few small issues of grammar, but they are not by any means serious. Just need a little more care :)

"I heard the Druids mourning strange words..." um, mourning should be murmuring?

"As still blindfolded and saw no danger" I was a little confused here...blindfolded means literally with a cloth over his face. Was he actually blindfolded or did you mean "blind to the signs of danger"?

The idea is great though. I would like to see you develop it further. :D



"May the Angels Guide"

Orimono_Shujin
Posts: 109

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Post#2 » Thu Jan 01, 1970 12:00 am

:funnylaugh: English Is My First Language Actully....Long Story...

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grondmaster
Posts: 25451

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Post#3 » Thu Jan 01, 1970 12:00 am

I like your story concept very much; the surprise ending is great--like from the 'Twilight Zone'. However, I too feel it needs a few more rewrites, especially before being submitted to a magazine.

One thing that I wondered about was the use of capitol letters in abnormal situations. Were they being used for emphasis? If so, I think descriptive adjectives and adverbs would better serve the purpose, as well as help to flesh out the story. Of course I am no writing, expert having no formal training. I am merely a reader of fantasy.

Work with Allyssa and the Guild and you should be able to whip it into shape. :)
'Share and enjoy'

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Allyssa
Posts: 1657

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Post#4 » Thu Jan 01, 1970 12:00 am

Why, thank you Grondy. :iloveyou:

Technically, the use of capitalisation in "I Was Motionless." is incorrect, but I would leave it. Rules of punctuation are made to be broken, and it is quite effective. :cool:
"May the Angels Guide"

Orimono_Shujin
Posts: 109

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Post#5 » Thu Jan 01, 1970 12:00 am

well that story isnt one of my best...

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Snape
Posts: 1294

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Post#6 » Thu Jan 01, 1970 12:00 am

Nice Orimono_Shujin, well done :D

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rednell
Posts: 1798

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Post#7 » Thu Jan 01, 1970 12:00 am

Good story Orimono_Shujin. I love it when I don't see the ending coming! If you don't mind having your work edited, Allyssa is a very good editor.

One thing that I wondered about was the use of capitol letters in abnormal situations

Even if the capitalized letters are used for emphasis I don't think it works well as most readers would not recognize it as such. Italics would work better.
Excellant short story, I look forward to reading more of your work.

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valedhelgwath
Posts: 4233

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Post#8 » Thu Jan 01, 1970 12:00 am

well that story isnt one of my best...
Nevertheless it was an enjoyable read Orimono. Let's have some more.
Which magazine are you writing for if you don't mind me asking? Around here, the only fantasy mags that I've found are White Dwarf, Dragon, and Arcane.
Look forward to reading more :)

Orimono_Shujin
Posts: 109

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Post#9 » Thu Jan 01, 1970 12:00 am

THE MAG IS CALLED BLACK OCTOBER. I willpost some more stories up in another topic. For some more of MY (Don't Plagerize!) stories Go To www.fortheloveofwriting.com And look for posts by Orimono_Shujin! Peace! :cool:

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