Among the hidden - by Orimono Shujin

Orimono_Shujin
Posts: 109

Among the hidden - by Orimono Shujin

Post#1 » Thu Jan 01, 1970 12:00 am

Well I Did Make It In 10 Minutes! :D

Anyway, I plan on Revising it anyway... This was only a rough draft!

Got to go! (I'm Sneaking this post while in School :mad: )

Bye!

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Allyssa
Posts: 1657

Among the hidden - by Orimono Shujin

Post#2 » Thu Jan 01, 1970 12:00 am

Interesting poem, Orimono. I am no expert, but I cant help but feel it might work better in the first person (I, me), rather than the second (you). At the moment it sounds a little like preaching, but in the second person, it would sound more like recounting your own experiences. You would then need to alter the ending slightly, of course.
"May the Angels Guide"

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valedhelgwath
Posts: 4233

Among the hidden - by Orimono Shujin

Post#3 » Thu Jan 01, 1970 12:00 am

That's a powerful piece of imagery from you once again, Orimono. I feel as though my senses have been overloaded, and to get full benefit of the piece, I will need to digest it in small amounts. I particularly liked the ending. It took me by surprise.

Eryan
Posts: 845

Among the hidden - by Orimono Shujin

Post#4 » Thu Jan 01, 1970 12:00 am

I really do not feel Ori that this poem needs many modifications. It is so powerful that any daubing might spoil its impact. Congratulations!

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