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"I can't believe it, the darned Council threw the book at me!" It was the Number 1 best seller for 1 day, before the new up and comming auther, Frodo Baggins, released his best seller which was called...
... Do It Yourself Ring Destruction, or How I Survived Knife, Spear, Sting, and Tooth. Samwise Gamgee also wrote his memoirs, which he titled, '...
Travel Guide of Mordor This best seller gives in depth information on hotels, beauty spots, best fishing etc... for outdoor adeventure holidays. Unfortunately Gollum is suing Sam for stealing his idea. Gollum is due to give a press conference and has stated he will be putting up his own chain of hotels. Meanwhile back in the Shire Frodo has been.....
...very busy answering fan letters. One in particular caught his attention; it said...
...
Quote:
JURY SUMMONS

Kingdom of Gondor
County of The Shire


To: Baggins, Frodo

You are hereby summoned to serve as a juror for the Court of the Shire.
Please complete your profile and return it within five days.
Your call in procedures are on the reverse side of this form.
Penalties may be invoked for failure to comply with this summons

Your term of service is: Monday, 6 October 1421 through Friday, 10 October 1421
Your group number is: 17

signed: Theodore H. Sandyman, Clerk of the Shire, Michel Delving

To which Frodo replied ...
..."Or What?"...
... "can you do to me after I fill out and return their silly form? By the time they notice I haven't shown up on that October date, I'll be out of the country; and even if they can procure a ship, they won't be able to follow me. So there" Elf Sticking Tounge Out Smilie

Meanwhile Merry and Pippin were ...
...smoking their pipes which they swore didn't make them high, and also were eating three-year old cheese. They ran out so they...
went out to do some shopping, but on the way something very strange happened. The...
three-year-old cheese they had been eating apparently DID have a narcotic effect on their senses, which caused Pippin to...
... fall asleep for three days, while it had the opposite effect on Merry who ...
...stayed awake and got into trouble while he did so. He had gone and robbed a store of all it's three year old cheese stocks, whicvh had recently been in great demand by the ancient king...
who sent out a patrol of cheese hunters. By the time some cheese had been found the king had gone off the idea and decided it was time for a holiday. He had recently read a good holiday guide for Mordor but was in two minds about.....
... whether to visit the Hot Caverns of Orodruin or tour the Sickly City of the Moon which offers a side trip through the Tunnels of Cirith Ungol complete with the odoriferous marvels of the past. Then again, there also was ...
...the little town known to all as "Not involved in LOTR but is still an OK place." He decided not to visit here, but quickly made up his mind to go to...
bed. He was getting a headach with all these decisions. Being a typical Libra he really couldn't make up his mind. This really worried the people of the kingdom, so they all got together to arrange....
... a big potluck dinner where every family were to bring at least one item of food to serve eight people, as well as their own plates, cups, and utinsils. Coffee, tea, and milk were provided by ...
...by the sponsors of the party which were Nestedlay. The party was a grand success as it was attended by an unusually large number of people and also staged a concert by the hit band "The Party Rockers". But the event that topped the party was...
... "Fireworks by Gandalf". These weren't your everyday common garden fireworks:
Quote:
There were rockets like a flight of scintillating birds singing with sweet voices. There were green trees with trunks of dark smoke: their leaves opened like a whole spring unfolding in a moment, and their shining branches dropped glowing flowers down upon the astonished hobbits, disappearing with a sweet scent just before they touched their upturned faces.

There were fountains of butterflies that flew glittering into the trees; there were pillers of coloured fires that rose and turned into eagles, or sailing ships, or a phalanx of flying swans; there was a red thunderstorm and a shower of yellow rain; there was a forest of silver spears that sprang suddenly into the air with a yell like an embattled army, and came down again into the Water with a hiss like a hundred hot snakes.

And there was also one last surprise, in honor of Bilbo, and it startled the hobbits exceedingly, as Gandalf intended. The lights went out. A great smoke went up. It shaped itself like a mountain seen in the distance, and began to glow at the summit. It spouted green and scarlet flames. Out flew a red-golden dragonnot life-size, but terribly life-like: fire came from his jaws, his eyes glared down; there was a roar, and he whizzed three times over the heads of the crowd. They all ducked, and many fell flat on their faces. The dragon passed like an express train, turned a somersault, and burst over Bywater with a deafening explosion. (- from FotR, Book 1, Chapter I)

No one wanted to be the act that followed this, so ...
....they ran back to their homes and shut themselves up in. But still, they were not to be spared from the horror that was to come.

Suddenly, there was a total blackout. Not a light was to be seen unless one looked upto the heavens where the moon and the stars shone still. But even those lights seemed to be getting dimmer with the time. A shadow seemed to engulf the town like a snake swallows its prey. It was then that a voice was heard. Not a loud, strong voice, but a thin, rasping one. And it was heard to say,........
... "Ni!" Soon followed by "We want... a shrubbery!" to which they replied, "...
...."We ain't got any shrubberies around here." Scared as they were, their voices were just a bit more than a squeak. "Just go away and never come back!"

Hearing their voices, the intruder knew that the inhabitants of that little town were afraid. He laughed loud and said, ....
... "Then can I sell you some magic beans that will soon grow into some giant shrubberies?" To which they cried ...
"All this NI stuff and shrubberies sounds so much like Monty Python's Quest for the Holy Grail!!" and then
Loni noticed that no one had replied to her post, so she said "Ni!! I want a shrubbery, and don't say 'is' cause if you do I will
...crush your skull with my bare hands, squish out the brain through your ears, gouge out the jellies from your eyes and then make a pie out of them and....
... take it to market where I will try to sell it to this simpleton what goes by the name of Simon. He won't have enough pennies so I will ...
..grab him by his neck and then hang him upside down. I'll then shake him so hard , that all the assortments he will be having in his pockets will come out of their respective hiding places and onto the ground. And if I still don't get enough pennies out of Simon in this manner, I will...
pawn 'The One Ring' coz it didn't fit properly and kept falling off and trying to get away from me., so I thought I'd better get rid of it and at least get some money for it. The man who sold it me was a rogue, so beware of....
dog! said the sign that...
...the postman/woman saw when he/she delivered the wedding invitation for Charley and Cam's wedding. Unforunatley due to events in the Shire....
... Frodo and Sam couldn't make it on that day as they were celebration the tearing down of the new mill, which Ted Sandyman had finally been brow-beaten into agreeing that ...
...the Earth is round. Previously he had been thinking that the Earth was the centre of a huge windmill which moved round and round continuosly thus driving the Sun, the Moon and the Stars around it which were stuck on the flaps of the windmill. In the process of turning around, this huge windmill ground....
Longbottom leaf. Now what was to happen - no windmill - no Longbottom leaf. The Shirlings were horrified, they wailed "woe is we", "what do we do now". The blame for this was put on Sam and Frodo, after all it was their idea. So...
...they held a mass demonstration but failed. So they decided to call in a Terminator from the future who was given the job to assasinate Sam and Frodo. But who the hobbits thought was a Terminator from the future was actually...
... Arnold Schwatzenegger, who had dressed up as one. So Sam...
....immediately kneeled down in front of Arnold when he came to assassinate him and pleaded, "Please don't kill me. I voted for you!" Hearing this, the Terminated said, "Positive! Hasta la vista, babee!" and went off in another direction. On the failure of this mission, the other hobbits cooked up another plan which involved....
Darth Vader, who took it upon himself to teach the other hobbits the ways of the force, because as you know....
....few people believe that the falling of Gollum into the Cracks of Doom was actually Darth Vader's work. It was heard that Darth Vader had actually come up when Gollum had got the Ring and had revealed to Gollum that he was actually his father. And hence, Gollum jumped into the cracks of doom. We don't know how true this theory is but.....
Peter Jackson has reportedly said he will be making a movie of this and will be recruiting 'extras' from the renowned wed site 'Planet Tolkien. Members of the PT council have....
...have been turned down do to their request to have the letters 'PT' tatooed to KK's left arm. Words have reached us that...
somebody saw six rabbits, all called 'Speckles.' There was a mother, a father, a little girl, a grandpa, an aunt, a cousin, and...
...no one else.

Starting a new one!

As Gandalf was riding down to Minas Tirith, he looked up in the sky and saw a strange orb-like thing coming down from the sky towards him. He reined in his steed and gazed at the thing curiously. The object stopped and began to hover above him. Then out of the object, there came a....
Tsunami, which threatened to wipe Gandalf off the face of the earth. But thinking quickly, Gandalf called the eagles which immediatley...
....started flapping their wings so as to beat of the waves and then push them back from whence they had come. But suddenly, there was to be seen something on top of a wave. As the object moved in the view, it could be vaguely defined as a person. He had long, blonde hair and was attired in green. He was on top of a wave, standing on a dull, metallic flat board-like object. Gandalf took one look at the person and said, "Legolas, how many times should I tell you not to waste time surfing stuff? First the orcshield, then the Oliphuant's trunk and now this. Come down here now or else....
... I'll 'turn you into a spotted toad and fill the garden full of grass-snakes.' Or I might even handcuff you to Bombur for a week's duration." To which Lego-lamb replied ...
"Ene mene mine moo!"
So gandalf...
smacked him on the head and said "respect your elders."

Then, he
beamed up into the spaceship, where he found Mr Spock (not the one who wrote the baby books, the Vulcan) and started a game of vulcan chess. Darth Vader also beamed up and used his light sabre to...
... cut the wedding cake into small slices. The tall furry fellow ...
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