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I order a fish from Amazon.com, The Sharper Image, or Fish-R-Us and when it arrives, I carefully remove its wrapper which I dry out and place it in my bathroom for my guests' reading material.
I belong to your mother's club. Elk Grinning Smilie

How do you paint a fence?
Here's a sure-fire way to get it done. First ask your son to take care of it. Then, he goes around to all the kids in the neighborhood and tells them he'll "LET THEM" paint it, but only if they pay him for the honor with the various junk and broken things that little boys collect. The next day, he goes to Sunday School and trades his junk with the other kids, in return for their Bible-Verse recitation reward tickets, and he eventually amasses enough to claim a Bible from the thunderstruck teacher.

That should work, right? Elf With a Big Grin Smilie

How do you eat an Oreo cookie?
First I clean and scale it; then I dip it in a milk and egg batter; coat each side with bread or cracker crumbs; and fry it in a hot cast-iron frying pan turning once to do both sides to a nice golden brown, which only takes a couple minutes each side. Second I place it on my plate and gently grab its tail. With my fork I gently pry the backbone with all the bones still attached to it which I discard. this leaves the two halves of flesh ready to partake with my fork Which is the third thing I do. Yummy.

You caught it! You have to clean and scale it! Elf Sticking Tounge Out Smilie

How do you play the harmonica?
First you sling the strap over your shoulder so it hangs in front of you in a comfortable position. Then you tune up the strings: E, A, D, G, B, E. Then you grasp the neck firmly in your left hand, positioning your left-hand fingers over the strings. You take a pick in your right hand, pinching the fat end of it between your thumb, and the first two fingers. Finally, you use the pick to pluck or strum the strings in the general vicinity of the large hole in the middle of the body. It also helps if you place a hat or jar (or even your open instrument case) on the floor in front of you so people can drop money in.

How do you "parallel park" a car?
I hire one of those yellow and black tester guys, who have the tattoos on their heads that are like circles divided into four quadrants and you give them the keys and point them towards the nearest wall.

How do you clean fish?
OOC: Must be fishin' season by you Grondy? This is the third time in three days that you've mentioned fissssh in this thread. Or maybe you're turning into our dear buddy Gollum? LOL!

You pull up and pay the guy. He tells you "NEUTRAL, NO BRAKE!" and then an automatic hook will pull you through the building. First the sprayers come on, making everything wet and soapy. The brushes come out and spin around, cleaning all the nooks & crannies. Then comes the hot wax, and the rinse sprayers. Finally the big air-dryer turns on and blows everything dry. When you get to the end, a couple of guys with towels run around drying any spots that the dryer missed. If you paid extra in the beginning, they'll do the Armor-All now too. You give them a $1 or $2 tip and you're all done.

How do you ride a bicycle?
I pay the rickshaw driver to take me on a tour of the city and then I sit back, relax, and watch the scenery roll by.

How do you open a bag of potato chips (crisps)?
First you stick it in a fire to soften it up. When it's nice and soft, take it out of the fire and pound on it with a hammer until it's flat. If it cools down, keep reheating it in the fire. Once it's flat, carefully grind and hone the edges to sharpen them. When you're done, attach a handle and decorate it, if desired.

How do you write an essay?
Actually that is something I never learned to do during my two hour credit foundry lab at UNI; though I did learn, during elementary grade school, in my 4-H Breakfast Cooking Club, (where I learned and still use many of my cooking skills) that you must remember to flame harden and temper your potato crisp in oil, water, or a live slave, prior to final grinding, if you want it to hold and edge yet not bend when walloped against a fence post or bamboo pole.

How do you eat with chop sticks?
Well I left a few steps out, mostly the "potato-twisting" part for building the core. Wanna know where I learned how to forge a potato crisp? From reading Valedhelgwath's story "The Forging of the Dark Sword" in PT's Fan Fiction section. He obviously "did his homework" when writing that one. He is quite a writer!!!

Anyway...now back to our regularly scheduled tomfoolery! Elf Smilie

First you take a straight stick, about four to six feet long. You need to trim & smooth it out so it's more or less perfectly straight. Then, get a large piece of flint and chip away the edges so it comes to a sharp point, in a triangular shape. Use a leather thong or a long string of sinew to tie the sharpened stone onto the end of your stick, with the point facing OUTWARDS. Now go sneak up on an animal, and stab yourself some dinner.

How do you change the oil in your car?
ok, the first problem is that youre car already has lots of oil in it, so you'll need to get rid of it, the quickest was is to set fire in the oil pan and burn it off, this may also clean out all that stinky gasoline in the gas tank, then all you have to do is take the pieces of you car to a good mechanic, have him rebuild it and request that he also refill the oil when he is done.

how do you win a race?
First you go to your mechanic and ask him for a worn out ball bearing, not just a ball from one, but the complete thing. Then with a hammer and cold chisel, you break the outer ring from the bearing and remove all the balls and you are left with the inner race which you have just won through all your hard work with the hammer.

How do you prepare tea?
Place 2 teaspoons of coarse salt in a saucer. Rub the rim of a cocktail glass with a lime wedge and dip glass into salt to coat rim thoroughly. Save the lime wedge for later. Pour 3 oz. tequila, 1 oz. triple sec, 2 oz. lime juice, and 1 cup of crushed ice into a blender. Blend well at high speed. Pour the resulting mixture into the cocktail glass. Take the lime wedge from earlier, stick it on the end of an umbrella toothpick, and drop it in the glass.

How do you play golf?
1) Assuming your right handed, position yourself just to the right rear of the center of the alley.
2) Hold the ball out in front of you gripping it between your thumb and middle two fingers and supporting the weight on your other hand, the left.
3) Look at the second spot from the right gutter just across the foul line; that will be your aim point.
4) Push the ball out at the spot step forward and still gripping it, let it drop and smoothly swing behind you as you take another step forward, and another step forward as the ballswings forward, and as it nears the spot, release the grip and continue your arm swing upwards and don't step over the foul line. If all went well, you should hit on either side of the headpin.

Anyway, that was my method back in the seventies when I had use of my legs. My high score in sanctioned league was 258, which started out as eight strikes in a row.

How do you milk a cow?
Eight strikes in a row? Too bad it wasn't baseball or you would've almost struck out the side.

First fill the carafe with fresh, cold water. Then place a filter in the basket. Add 2 tablespoons of coffee for every 6 oz. of water. Pour the water into the machine's reservoir and place the carafe on its base. Finally, turn the machine on.

How do you plant a garden?
I get a bulldozer (D-6 or D-9 depending on the size of the garden. With it I dig a shallow trench. Then I dump all my dead men, (empty beer, whiskey, and wine bottles) into the trench and push the dirt back over them; water it well; and wait for the new crop to raise their pretty necks above the surface.

How do you walk a tight-rope?
First you get a real long rope. Then you have two people stand apart, holding the ends of the rope and they twirl it round and round so that the top of the arc is over their heads and the bottom of the arc is just hitting the ground. When you're ready, you jump into the middle of the loop and jump every time the rope is coming around towards the ground. While you do this everyone sings short (often humorous) rhymes, and sometimes a second person might jump in with you. If you're really good, the rope-twirlers will use two ropes that rotate in opposite directions.

How do you change a light bulb?
First you have to find four people of the same ethnic background and smuggle them in-country. Then you teach them to speak the language and learn a trade. Such as one becomes a butcher, and one a baker, and one a candle stick maker. The fourth a scientist who invents electricty, putting the third one out of work and he is retrained to change the all the lightbulbs in a hundred-story office building on a rotating basis so they all get changed out on a regular schedule such that one never burns out during business hours, resulting in prrviously candlestick maker now having a permanent job until he chooses to retire.

How do you rollerskate in a herd of buffalo (bison)?
You can't. First of all, they probably shed like mad, and the fur will get caught in the wheels and wrap around the axles. Second of all, it's kind hard to avoid the "sculptures" that they are sure to leave behind. Third of all, you're liable to impale yourself on their horns.

How do you make the bed?
You open the bag and place a single layer of the briquettes aproximately the size of the steak you will be cooking; then you pile this up into a square based pyrimid; sprinkle it generously with starter fluid; and stand back and toss a lighted match at it. When the briquettes turn white, spread then out, install the grid, and when it gets hot apply your steak, which should be removed before it is burnt to a crisp.

How do you brush your teeth?
Bored of the same repetitive action to clean your teeth and getting tired from it? Have no fear, buy a nanny, they come cheap and can be stored neatly in a cupboard... Simply get him/her out and allow them to use the electric toothbrush that can also be bought to save on fatigue... It's a win win situation... A free toothbrush comes free, and that's guaranteed.........


How to tie a tie?
First you go to the rail-yard and ask the yard-master if they have a used one you might have or buy. You place it upon the roof of your car and fasten it there using cotton clothesline: A loop at each end to both sides of the front and rear bumpers. Also across the top of the car through the rear windows. If it is excessively long and overhangs the front or rear of your car you should attach a red or yellow flag to warn other drivers so they don't get speared by it. And if the tie is from Thailand t'would be even lovelier. In Love Smilie

So how do you make your bed?
Simple. I remove the bedcover n i jump on the bed for 15 mins.

How do you weed your garden?
With a pair of tweezers and a popcicle stick.

How do you hang glide?

(Didn't fully understand but anyway.....)

You take a gun and shoot him/it.

How do you score a goal?
You use a hockey stick to bat the quaffle through the hoop and hope you get nothing, but net.

How do you eat an Oreo?

I should have written 'hang-glide" which is the art of flying a non-powered flying wing while sitting under it on a trapeze type bar.
You crush it into tiny pieces and give it to your cat or dog.

How do you post in Planet-Tolkien
With sticks and stones and puppy dog tails.

How do you catch a fish?
You borrow some T to the N to the T and some Dino-mite and use your imagination.

How do you watch TV?
I switch on the radio and scan for the channel frequencies.

How do you row a boat?
I use foot long wooden spoons, while being very careful not to catch a crab.

How do you eat a Cadbury Creme Egg.
You boil it for 30mins, then add water to it along with some salt. Then you drink it.

How do you kill a mockingbird
You find a Lawyer with a daughter nicknamed Scout. Then you break into his office and steal a hefty book of law from one of his bookcases. And finally you sneak up behind the copycat bird and drop the book on it.

How do you write a poem about fireflies?
You catch some flies, build a bonfire, put them in it and decribe what you see.

How do you earn mithril?
I login to Planet-Tolkien.com daily; read all the new posts; and add my comments to the threads that I feel need my questionable expertise. Egad! How the Mithril rolls in.

How do you paint your bedroom or kitchen?
You get a baby and feed it with various different food types and put the baby in the center of choosed room and watch!

How do you fix a car with no brakes?
Driving down a steep, many curved grade will always do the trick negating the need for any future repairs on that particular vehicle. Elf With a Big Grin Smilie
How do you mend Grondy's habit of forgetting to post his question? Dunce Smilie
First I go to the refrigerator and remove yesterday's catch of rainbow trout that was stored there wrapped in that morning's newspaper. I proceed to remove the fish from their wrapper; lightly dip them in a flour, salt, and pepper mixture; and place them in a frying pan into which a pat of butter was previously melted; and fry them over medium heat. I carefully wad up the spent wrappers and place them in the under the kitchen sink garbage container. Next I grab some red foil, magic mending tape, and green ribbon and with loving care cover the gift box and lid, taking time out to turn the fish when it looks light-brown. I use the ribbon to tie the lid to the box with a fancy bow at the top. After eating the trout, which first I used a trick my mother taught me, by grabbing the tail between my index finger and the thumb of my left hand, I use a fork in my right to gently remove the fish's spine with all the bones attached and leaving each of the two fish halves in one piece ready to eat, I again wash my hands and finish the job by signing a card and attach it to the box.

How do you make chocolate milk?
I first put some water to boil on a stove. While its boiling i take a clean glass and pour some orange juice it in. Then I remove the Water from the stove and pour it in the glass and then add some sugar and then stirs it all. Then **pouf** u have a glass of chocolate milk.

How do you tell the next door kid to stop annoying your dog?
First I say, "Beat it kid!"
Then I say, "Sic em!"
Then I say, "But officer, she is only a miniature poodle and her bark is much worse than her bite."

How do you blow your nose?
I go in the bathroom, open the tap and bath my hair with shampoo and finish by drying my hair with shampoo. Once one i have a clean nose.

How do you kill an annoying neighbor?
With kindness: chocolate cake, bean and ham soup, lemonade, and sugar plums from FaŽrie.

How to you cure the common cold?
You put on your swimming suit and you stand outside for 5 minutes in winter.

How do you climb a mountain?
I put on my roller skates, the old type, not roller blades, for I wouldn't wish to sprain and ankle wearing them in the rocks, and then I'd rig a sail on a pole and let the wind drag me up the mountain.

How do you wash the dishes?
I take all the dirty clothes and put them in the dishwasher for 15 minutes and then put them to dry in the washing machine.

How do you use a mouse?
I turn the hungry mouse loose at the start of a maze and count how many times it reverses course before it reaches the food at the exit. If the number is odd, I have a rubin sandwich for lunch; if even a tuna salad sandwich.

How do you measure the difference between an elephant and a bushel of cherries?
You take a ruler and spank the elephant hard. If he trumpets out loud then you know it is far else it is near.

How do you steal mithril from Grondy?
You take a pair of scissors and snip it from his computer screen.

How do you hoe a row?
You take a paddle and plow the ground with it.

How do you bath a dog?
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