I order a fish from Amazon.com, The Sharper Image, or Fish-R-Us and when it arrives, I carefully remove its wrapper which I dry out and place it in my bathroom for my guests' reading material.
I belong to your mother's club.

How do you paint a fence?

First I clean and scale it; then I dip it in a milk and egg batter; coat each side with bread or cracker crumbs; and fry it in a hot cast-iron frying pan turning once to do both sides to a nice golden brown, which only takes a couple minutes each side. Second I place it on my plate and gently grab its tail. With my fork I gently pry the backbone with all the bones still attached to it which I discard. this leaves the two halves of flesh ready to partake with my fork Which is the third thing I do. Yummy.

You caught it! You have to clean and scale it!

How do you play the harmonica?

I hire one of those yellow and black tester guys, who have the tattoos on their heads that are like circles divided into four quadrants and you give them the keys and point them towards the nearest wall.

How do you clean fish?

I pay the rickshaw driver to take me on a tour of the city and then I sit back, relax, and watch the scenery roll by.

How do you open a bag of potato chips (crisps)?

Actually that is something I never learned to do during my two hour credit foundry lab at UNI; though I did learn, during elementary grade school, in my 4-H Breakfast Cooking Club, (where I learned and still use many of my cooking skills) that you must remember to flame harden and temper your potato crisp in oil, water, or a live slave, prior to final grinding, if you want it to hold and edge yet not bend when walloped against a fence post or bamboo pole.

How do you eat with chop sticks?

ok, the first problem is that youre car already has lots of oil in it, so you'll need to get rid of it, the quickest was is to set fire in the oil pan and burn it off, this may also clean out all that stinky gasoline in the gas tank, then all you have to do is take the pieces of you car to a good mechanic, have him rebuild it and request that he also refill the oil when he is done.

how do you win a race?

Place 2 teaspoons of coarse salt in a saucer. Rub the rim of a cocktail glass with a lime wedge and dip glass into salt to coat rim thoroughly. Save the lime wedge for later. Pour 3 oz. tequila, 1 oz. triple sec, 2 oz. lime juice, and 1 cup of crushed ice into a blender. Blend well at high speed. Pour the resulting mixture into the cocktail glass. Take the lime wedge from earlier, stick it on the end of an umbrella toothpick, and drop it in the glass.

How do you play golf?

Eight strikes in a row? Too bad it wasn't baseball or you would've almost struck out the side.

First fill the carafe with fresh, cold water. Then place a filter in the basket. Add 2 tablespoons of coffee for every 6 oz. of water. Pour the water into the machine's reservoir and place the carafe on its base. Finally, turn the machine on.

How do you plant a garden?

First you get a real long rope. Then you have two people stand apart, holding the ends of the rope and they twirl it round and round so that the top of the arc is over their heads and the bottom of the arc is just hitting the ground. When you're ready, you jump into the middle of the loop and jump every time the rope is coming around towards the ground. While you do this everyone sings short (often humorous) rhymes, and sometimes a second person might jump in with you. If you're really good, the rope-twirlers will use two ropes that rotate in opposite directions.

How do you change a light bulb?

You can't. First of all, they probably shed like mad, and the fur will get caught in the wheels and wrap around the axles. Second of all, it's kind hard to avoid the "sculptures" that they are sure to leave behind. Third of all, you're liable to impale yourself on their horns.

How do you make the bed?

Bored of the same repetitive action to clean your teeth and getting tired from it? Have no fear, buy a nanny, they come cheap and can be stored neatly in a cupboard... Simply get him/her out and allow them to use the electric toothbrush that can also be bought to save on fatigue... It's a win win situation... A free toothbrush comes free, and that's guaranteed.........




*NOT GAURANTEED*




How to tie a tie?

Simple. I remove the bedcover n i jump on the bed for 15 mins.

How do you weed your garden?

(Didn't fully understand but anyway.....)

You take a gun and shoot him/it.

How do you score a goal?

You crush it into tiny pieces and give it to your cat or dog.

How do you post in Planet-Tolkien

You borrow some T to the N to the T and some Dino-mite and use your imagination.

How do you watch TV?

I use foot long wooden spoons, while being very careful not to catch a crab.

How do you eat a Cadbury Creme Egg.

You find a Lawyer with a daughter nicknamed Scout. Then you break into his office and steal a hefty book of law from one of his bookcases. And finally you sneak up behind the copycat bird and drop the book on it.

How do you write a poem about fireflies?

I login to Planet-Tolkien.com daily; read all the new posts; and add my comments to the threads that I feel need my questionable expertise. Egad! How the Mithril rolls in.

How do you paint your bedroom or kitchen?

Driving down a steep, many curved grade will always do the trick negating the need for any future repairs on that particular vehicle.

First I go to the refrigerator and remove yesterday's catch of rainbow trout that was stored there wrapped in that morning's newspaper. I proceed to remove the fish from their wrapper; lightly dip them in a flour, salt, and pepper mixture; and place them in a frying pan into which a pat of butter was previously melted; and fry them over medium heat. I carefully wad up the spent wrappers and place them in the under the kitchen sink garbage container. Next I grab some red foil, magic mending tape, and green ribbon and with loving care cover the gift box and lid, taking time out to turn the fish when it looks light-brown. I use the ribbon to tie the lid to the box with a fancy bow at the top. After eating the trout, which first I used a trick my mother taught me, by grabbing the tail between my index finger and the thumb of my left hand, I use a fork in my right to gently remove the fish's spine with all the bones attached and leaving each of the two fish halves in one piece ready to eat, I again wash my hands and finish the job by signing a card and attach it to the box.

How do you make chocolate milk?

First I say, "Beat it kid!"
Then I say, "Sic em!"
Then I say, "But officer, she is only a miniature poodle and her bark is much worse than her bite."

How do you blow your nose?

With kindness: chocolate cake, bean and ham soup, lemonade, and sugar plums from Fa’rie.

How to you cure the common cold?

I put on my roller skates, the old type, not roller blades, for I wouldn't wish to sprain and ankle wearing them in the rocks, and then I'd rig a sail on a pole and let the wind drag me up the mountain.

How do you wash the dishes?

I turn the hungry mouse loose at the start of a maze and count how many times it reverses course before it reaches the food at the exit. If the number is odd, I have a rubin sandwich for lunch; if even a tuna salad sandwich.

How do you measure the difference between an elephant and a bushel of cherries?

You take a pair of scissors and snip it from his computer screen.

How do you hoe a row?