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You start by finding a nice piece of paper and a pen then let your toughts go out and write it down
How do travel by plane ?
You go to the dock and take the first hovercraft you see.

How do you do to meet J.R.R Tolkien
Everytime I open one of his books I pretend talking with him and sometimes asks him what he meant by..
How do you attend a wedding ?
You go wait at the courthouse where couple's come for divorce hearings.

How do you charge a cell phone?
You use a priceless piece of plastic.

How do you fly a kite?
You throw it far in a lake and then pull it back with its string.

How do you bake bread?
You take your jackknife to the nearest tree and carve three straight lines: one at a diagonal from the top to the bottom left; another diagonal from the same position at the top to the bottom right; and a final horizontal line connecting between the midpoints of the first two lines; voila you have writen a letter.
Grondy didn't ask a question. Very Sad Smilie
Not only didn't I write a question; I answered the wrong question, the one from the preceding page instead of
How do you bake bread?

So.....You take a railroad tie and cut it into two 15mm slices upon the first of which you spread peanut butter, and the second with strawberry preserves.

How do you skip a pebble across water?
U take a pebble put in in a motorised boat and send it sailing on water.

How do you take the steal from the sky?
By locking it up in the ground and throwing away the key.

How do you mix rainbow paint?
Powdered prisms and butterfly scales, mixed to a paste with a fresh morning mist.

How do you soak up sunlight?
On a sunny day, you hang a wet blanket on the clothes line. The water evaporating from the blanket gathers the suns rays and turns them into little smiles that float away to form clouds.

How do you eat chocolate cake?
By staring at it.

How do you get in shape?
By sleeping all day long and eating a heavy dinner as soon as you get up and then watching Tv for the remainder of the day.

How do you write an email?
You dig a hole in the ground, fill it with brush which you set on fire, and with a wet blanket, you interrupt the smoke which is then allowed to rise in a series of dashes and dots which can then be interpreted by any first class boy scout within visible range.

How do you row a boat?
You pull the motor string as fats as you can and pray to god that the motor ignites.

How do you wash dishes?
Let your cat lick them or put 'em in the dishwasher
How do you get up in the morning ?
Sleepily. Elf With a Big Grin Smilie

First I grab my protective shoes from the floor and lying on my back I grab one leg and pulling it to my chest, I put on one shoe, then the other likewise. Second I swing my right leg over the edge of my bed; then my left. Thirdly I sit up and bouncing on my fists I sidle sideways like a crab towards the foot of my bed. Fourthly I rotate and drop into my parked wheelchair. And I'm up for the day.

How do you tie your shoes?

I put in on a bench and tell my friend to do it for me.

How do you put songs on an mp3 player.?

With an adz, wood chisel, and maul.

How do you keep nits out of your ears?
I usually use a spoon if it's to much left insideSmile Smilie
How do you suprise a person ?
By being ever so quiet that they hardly know I'm there until they sneeze.

How do you dial a rotary telephone?
By spinning your cellphone around and punching the buttons at random.

How do you bathe a cat? Cat Smilie
WARNING: Do not do this at home!

Wearing a full suit of armor and using a twenty foot pole. you place the cat in a cusinart and turn on the water.

How do you sleep at night?

By gripping the chandelier with your toes and hanging upside down, while making high-pitched squeaking noises and eating bugs.

How do you fill up the gas tank of a car?
Tapioca pudding is probably better for this than bread pudding because the latter's shredded coconut often adds friction in the tubes causing premature shutdown for preventive maintenance.

How do you sign your name?
You cut individual letters out of magazines and glue them onto the paper. It helps if they're all different shapes, sizes and colors, and you should ask for at least a million dollars in return for all your hard work doing this.

How do you seal an envelope?
First you carry your seal (a sea lion or walrus will work quite as well) to the top of the municipal water tower where you toss it to the ground at the center of the X-marks the spot circle. Closest to the center wins the Seal of Good Groundsbreaking.

How do you teach a fish to human?
First you teach the fish how to hum the theme from Jaws. Then you teach him how to breathe air and walk on land. Finally you give him directions to the nearest bookstore so he can buy "Human Hunting For Dummies".

How do you open a can of soda?
You take a hammer and you bang it on the lid.

How do you make a phone call on a mobile phone?
First you have to run and catch it; however it will be a lost cause, because when you insert the required number of coins, it will short out.

How do you turn a somersault?
First check the calendar to make sure it's between June 21 and September 21. Then go into the spice cabinet and take out the shaker which contains white Sodium Chloride crystals. Finally, invert the shaker and sprinkle its contents into whatever you are cooking.

How do you use a pepper mill?
First: Place my huge yellow Tupperware bowl on the counter and the Air Popper on the breadboard with the spout towards the bowl. Second: Plug in the cord and turn on the popper. Third: Grab the jar of popcorn kernels and scoop enough to fill up the hopper on the top of the popper and dump it into the machine. Fourth: Remove a cube (actually a rectangular solid) of butter from the refrigerator, remove its wrapper and cut it in half. Fifth: Place one half the butter in a one cup Pyrex measuring cup and place in the Microwave oven on high for thirty seconds; put the other half on the butter plate. Sixth: Hurry back and rotate the bowl so they newly popped corn stays in the bowl rather than bouncing all over the kitchen. Seventh: Ensure the lid is tightly sealed on the popcorn jar to keep it weevil free. Eighth: When the popcorn finishes popping, turn it off, unplug it and swap positions between the bowl and popper hanging the cord over the chair back so it doesn't accidentally get pulled to the floor. Ninth: Retrieve the now melted butter and sprinkle it and salt over the popcorn in about three stages with shaking of the bowl after each stage towards more evenly distributed butter on the popcorn. Tenth: Grab a paper towel , the bowl, and a diet soda; and go watch a movie on cable, DVD, or VHS.

How do you eat popcorn?
First you pour some boiling melted butter down your throat, then you swallow a tankful of burning hot air, and finally you eat a handful of kernels. Shake well! Then KA-BOOM you have buttered popcorn.

How do you connect to the internet?
I open the kitchen window and turn on the switch of the box fan that is sitting on the window-sill. This exhausts the hot air from my appartment and sucks in the cool outside air through my open bedroom window.

How do you eat an Oreo?
I take one out of the fridge and pop off the bottle cap. I then pour it carefully down the side of the glass so it doesn't foam up too much. Finally, I sit down and sip it slowly so I can savor every mouthful.

How do you iron a shirt?
I take it out of the dryer and place it on a hanger in my closet. (I'm not even sure where my iron is, as I haven't used it in a couple decades; aren't modern fabrics wonderful?)

How to you clean your teeth?
First you separate them by color: "white", "light", and "dark". Fill the machine with water. Add detergent and bleach. Throw in one of your previously separated color groups, shut the lid, and turn the machine on. When they are done, put them in the dryer, set it to "HIGH HEAT" and turn it on. Repeat this process for all color groups.

How do you build a sand castle?
Bake it in two separate layers and when finished so that a toothpick comes out clean, remove them from the oven and decant onto wire cooling racks. When cool slice off the dome from one so that it is a level disk remains which you should place on a plate (nibble on the dome if you wish or save it for the kids). Add a dollop of Icing on top of the disk and spread it around the top evenly. Place the second layer on top of the icing with the domed side up, unless you wish to add fancy decorations, in which case remove the dome and place the layer domed side down. Next place anothe dollop on top of the last layer and spread it around evenly and smoothly if it will be decorated, if not, add swirls in the icing on top. And finally coat the sides of the layers with the icing and smooth the transition between the top and sides. Apply decorations if you wish or else cut yourself a slice and enjoy.

How do you steer a car skidding on ice?
You lean your body to the left, using your poles for balance. In the event you hit a hump of snow, bend your knees slightly and "pop" when you hit the top of the hump. This will give you the best possible jump trajectory. In the event you hit a tree, you'll probably be dead anyway so don't worry about it.

How do you grill a hamburger?
Firstly and foremost, it must be wintertime! All the of the fun shan't be had if it is not wintertime! Second, Take your family, dog included outside and down the hill to the forest just north of your dwelling (its helps here if you have two children, as you can pull them on a wagon, which you will need later). Find a suitable tree, preferably one that you know will not fit through your front door, and commence to chopping (you did remember to bring the axe, didn't you?) Hopefully the tree landed perfectly square on the wagon CAUTION: MAKE SURE CHILDREN ARE NOT SITTING ON WAGON WHEN TREE FALLS! If the tree missed the wagon completely, you must continue your trek and find another tree, chop it down, and hope for the best. Once you have landed a tree on your wagon, then you lug back to through the forest (every once in awhile make sure the children and dog are still with you, as you need the children to decorate the tree and the dog to whizz under while you and family are on holiday) Once you've dragged the tree up the hill and into your home, decorate, and enjoy! Congratulations on your first fresh, live Christmas tree!

How do you blow up a balloon?

I place it carefully on a kabob skewer amongst alternating cubes of lamb and veggies. Then I hold it over the fire until the metal skewer is too hot to handle with the lamb flaming and the veggies nicely charred, at which time you may eat with enjoyment, all except the lump of burnt rubber, which should be left as an oblation for the fire's Efreet.

How do you shoot billiards?
First you go out to the shooting range and get yourself all settled in a nice comfortable shooting position. You place the large foam earmuff things over your ears, because this is going to get quite loud. Then you load up your shotgun and wait. Eventually, someone pushes a magic button which will launch a clay disc out in front of you at high speed and a random angle. Hope you had your gun cocked & ready to go! Aim the gun at the target, squeeze the trigger, and hope for the best. That's how you shoot billiards.

How do you make an ice cream sundae?
I take a small pail and shovel to the beach on a Sundae afternnoon. With the tide going out I dig and pile sand in a mound and then mold and carve it into intricate shapes, often castles with towers and minerettes, and with a moat around it. When the tide comes in the moat will fill and down will come baby towers and all.

How do you build a treehouse?
First get a flat piece of wood, some L-brackets, and screws. Draw a level line on the wall where the bottom of the wood will be. Locate the studs in the wall, position the L-brackets over the studs and hold them just below the line you drew. Now mark the bracket attachment holes on the wall. Test-drill the holes to make sure you're going into wood, not empty space. Finally, attach the brackets to the wall, then attach the wood to the brackets.

How do you assemble a computer?
First I throw the house's circuit breaker. Then I use a double-bitted axe and putting my back into it I chop the bejabers out of the CPU, keyboard, monitor, and cables. When they are in about fist size chunks, I place all the pieces into a 30 gallon garbage bag; and vacuum up the residue and dump it also into the garbage bag. I then tie off the bag and using another bag, I double bag the first, tie it, and add a label that reads, "Free computer parts." At midnight I leave the bag outside the local Radio Shack store.

WARNING: Kids, don't try this at Home! Or any where else, as computers contain many toxic materials and monitors will implode explosively.
Addenudum to the warning: Plus your parents will be QUITE annoyed and probably ship you off to military school as punishment!

You forgot to ask a question Grondy. Elf Winking Smilie
That won't be the first time. Orc Grinning Smilie

How do you keep Grondy from forgetting to post his new questions after he burns out on his long winded answers?
Oh that's easy. First you sit down with your bank statement, your check register, and all of your cancelled checks. You go through each item on the statement, comparing it to what is in the register, and you check off all the items that match between both lists. If the statement has more items that are missing from your register, enter them at the end of the register (and check them off, since now they match) and update your balance. Now you take the final updated balance in the register, ADD the total of any checks in the register which are missing from the statement ("Uncleared Checks"), SUBTRACT the total of any deposits in the register which are missing from the statement ("Uncleared Deposits"), and that total should equal the "FINAL BALANCE" on the statement. If it's off by 25 cents, and you obsessively spend the next hour trying to find the mistake, you can "join the club" with my mother who has been known to do the same thing. Then I will come along and tell you that I enter everything in Microsoft Money and it takes me about two minutes per month to do the same thing, and there's never a mistake. Elf Sticking Tounge Out Smilie

How do you wrap a birthday gift?
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