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Bloke gets an old lamp off of his ex-wife, he rubs it and a genie comes out. Unsurprisingly, the genie offers him 3 wishes, but on the condition that anything he gets, his ex-wife gets double. The bloke agrees and asks for £5m, so he gets his £5m and his ex gets £10m. After this he asks for a BMW, so his ex gets 2 BMWs. Then the Genie says, "This is your last wish, what do you wish for?"
And the bloke replies "Could you kick me half to death please?"
Two men were out golfing. As one was ready to take his shot, a funeral procession drove by the golf course. The man stopped what he was doing, put down his club, and took off his hat and placed it over his heart. His partner was moved by this and said, "That's the nicest thing I've even seen you do!" The man looked back at him and said, "Well, that's the least I could do after 20 years of marriage..."
Two other blokes on a golf course, one knocks his ball way off onto the next hole by mistake. He goes off to get it, but two seconds later he comes running back. "how come you didn't get it?" his mate asks, "There's 2 women over there" he replies. "and? what's the problem?" says the other. "Well, one's my wife, the other one's my girlfriend!" He explains, "Could you get it for me instead?"
So the other geezer goes off to get the ball, and also comes running back. "What's your problem then?" says the other fellow. "Small world ain't it?" he replies, sheepishly
I'm no good at jokes so I'll just lurk around...
This guy is sitting outside on his lawn when he sees his blonde neighbor walk outside and check her mailbox. With a confused look on her face, she walks back inside. Five minutes later, the blonde walks outside again to check her mailbox. Seeing that there is nothing in it, she walks back inside her house. Another five minutes later, the blonde comes back outside to check her mailbox. After watching the blonde check her mailbox 3 times in a row, the guy is pretty curious. When she starts to walk back inside again, he asks, "What are you doing?"
She says, "My computer keeps telling me that I've got mail."
George Burns was the straight man and his wife Gracie Allen had the dumb part, even though she was one of the smartest people in show biz; she rode dumbness all the way to the bank, almost as well as Lucy did later.
Did you get the joke I sent you, P, btw?
The Captains note to the Chief Officer
Early tomorrow morning there will be a total solar eclipse at 0900 hours. T his is something that cannot happen every day, so have the crew line up in full dress uniform on deck so that they may see it. Because this is such a rare phenomenom, I will explain it to them myself. If it is raining we will not be able to see it clearly in which case the crew should gather in the mess room.
The Chief Officers note to the First Mate
On the Captains orders, there will be a total eclipse early tomorrow morning at 0900 hours. If it is raining we will not be able to see it clearly in our uniforms in which case the suns disappearance will be fully observed in the messroom. This is something that does not happen every day.
The First Mates note to the Second Mate
On Captains orders, we shall fully observe in our uniforms that the sun disappears in the messroom at 0900 hours. The Captain will tell us if it going to rain. This is something which does not happen every day.
The second Mates note to the Bosun
If it is raining in the messroom early tomorrow which is something which does not happen every day, the Captain in his uniform will disappear.
The Bosuns note to the crew
Early tomorrow morning at 0900 hours the Captain will disappear. Its a pity that this does not happen every day.[Edited on 11/2/2002 by 42]
I have been sent some real good ones by mail, but I cannot remember them, so I'll check back with you here soon...
Okay, here's a few more...
A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite reach it.The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, "What now?"
The boy answered, "Now we run like crazy!"
It was two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep, when suddenly the phone rang.
The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? ... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" -- and promptly slammed the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"
The husband replies, I don’t know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.
A blind man walks in to a bar and sits down to have a drink. He says to the bartender, "You want to hear a good blonde joke?" The bartender says, "Well, sir, I myself am a blonde and I really wouldn't appreciate it. And the man sitting next to you is about 265 lbs. and is also a blonde. Then the man behind you is a good 285 lbs. who just happens to be a blonde too. So let me ask you sir, do you really want to tell that blonde joke?" The blind man said, “No. I don't feel like explaining it three times!"
A blonde goes to the hairdresser's. She has a walkman on her head, and when the hairdresser asks her to sit down, she still leaves it on. So he asks her to put it off, but she simply says: "No, I can't." The hairdresser doesn't understand, but he starts doing her hair. At some point he can't go further unless he takes the walkman off her head, so he does. Two seconds after he does that, the blonde falls down, on the floor, as dead as a stone. The hairdresser doesn't understand, but he informs the police, calls an ambulance, etc. When everything is over, he says to himself: "Now I really want to know what's on that cassette she was listening to." Guess what he heard... "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in..."
Okay, a couple for today then....
A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!"
The wife says, "Great! What should I pack for? The ocean or the mountains?"
He says, "I don't care! Just be out by the end of the week!"
This one's specially tailored to Grondy and Golly...
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below responded, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
Here's some more engineer jokes (why do my friends, mom & husband keep sending me these?) Hmm.
1) Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
2) A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!."
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him. Hey George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
The bicycle/clothes joke is the best.
The balloon joke is typical Dilbert fodder where four pictures are worth a thousand words. It is funny as all get out, because sadly, it is true to life.
No jokes yet today, but the day is young...
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!
Good thing this is a tavern; I keep looking over my shoulder expecting Taz to show up and harangue us about posting dogs and cats stuff.
Top 12 MAFIA Valetine Card Verses...
My love for you... it came and went.
So your feet are now in wet cement.
I'm here To fulfill your fondest wishes
Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes.
Lie down with me -- it's my final offa,
Or you'll be lying wit' Jimmy Hoffa.
I picked up this card from a slim selection
But that's all they offer here in witness protection.
Be my Valentine, and we can do it execution-style.
Cinderella got her fella, with a slipper made of glass;
So please be mine, Valentine, or I'll have to whack your ass.
Violets are blue, roses are red,
I blew up your car -- So why ain't you dead?
The day we met, my little pet, I knew with just one look
You'd bear a son, and now that's done, So shut your mouth and cook!
Youse da greatest. Youse da best.
But you're as untouchable as Elliot Ness.
Lust is fleeting, true love lingers.
Be mine always and you'll keep your fingers.
Hope da chocolates is good, but y'know, dis ain't really what a guy's heart
When a goon makes you die,
Cuz you told him goodbye -- that's amore!
A man goes to the store to buy Valentine's cards for his daughter and mother.
The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounds him
He mutters out loud, "I wonder if they have cards for ex-spouses?"
A clerk, standing in the next isle, overhears the man and says,
Yes sir, we do have an 'ex' category, but they're in Sporting Goods."
"Really... you must be kidding me right?"
"No sir, replies the clerk... I wouldn't kid you."
"Just hop over to sporting goods and ask for 'Bullets'..."
The first four letters of the second name of the folding bottle from Plastic's joke... well, we all know what do they mean in English. But in Polish the same 4-letter-word means "good luck".
Some years ago I have seen in Poland that someone released on the market a toilet-cleaner powder (or liquid - I do not remember...) which bore the same ingenious name. I laughed wildly, but almost nobody around me could see why. I think that the producers MUST have known English and that it was thought to be a "subtle (???) joke for the initiated". But who knows, who knows?
and a bottle of wine they lay down in their tent for the night and went to
sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and
potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe Saturn is in
Leo. Logically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past
three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are
small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a
beautiful day tomorrow."
"Is that all?", Holmes asked.
"Yes." Watson replied. "Why, am I missing something?".
Holmes was quiet for a moment, then spoke:
"Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen the tent."
[Edited on 14/12/2002 by Grondmaster]
Here's some for Saturday..
A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the neighborhood,
so for public safety, he was committed. He's put into a room with another guy.
The resident Dr. goes in to see his new patient.
The Doc asks the first guy why he has been sent to the hospital.
The guys replies, "Doc, I don't know... I'm perfectly sane!"
The Doc then asks the new crazy the same thing and immediately he begins his
"I am John The Baptist! Jesus Christ has sent me!"
The first guy looks at him and yells, "I did not!"
and... (yes I know I'm always doing blonde jokes)
A young man wanted to get his beautiful "blonde" wife something nice for their
first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cellphone.
She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all
the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping.
Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun,"he says "how do you like your new
She replies: "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell!"
"But there's one thing I don't understand though."
"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal Mart?"
yet another Blonde joke...
There were three women, a brunette, a red head, and a blonde who were trying to break the world record for fastest time to swim across the English Channel doing only the breaststroke. The brunette shows up on the other side 48 hours later. "Congratulations!" everyone shouts. 2 hours after the brunette shows up, the red head appears. "Good try" everyone shouts to her. Two weeks later, the blonde shows up. When everyone asked her what happened, she replied, "I don't mean to sound like a poor sport, but I think the other two women were using their arms."
and another driving/drinking type thing...
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the cop.
"I juggle them in my act."
"Oh, yeah? says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it. "The juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives. Another man driving by slows down to watch.
"Wow, "says the passer-by. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!
took me a minute, but /that/ is a funny joke.
'Please, come quickly! My husband swallowed a neddle!"
After 10 minutes, another call:
"Excuse me... do not come! I have found another needle!"
"Does your husband help you in your household duties?"
"Oh yes! Yesterday he tore away a page
from our wall callendar!"
A train stops on a railway station.
Someone puts his head outside and asks:
"Excuse me, what station is this"?
"A railway station"
Once upon a time there were two men who had gone cliff climbing.
Suddenly, one man lost his footing and went tumbling down to the bottom.
The other man frantically screamed, "Roger!", and was relieved to hear a faint
"Okay Rodge," shouted Barry, "I'm gonna throw a rope down to you, so wrap it
one of your legs and.." but before he could finish, he heard Roger call -
"But both my legs are broke."
Barry suggested his arms, to which the reply was "They're broken too!"
So finally, Roger held on with his mouth. Barry struggled to pull up the rope,
and when he was nearly there, Barry said, "You alright there mate?"
to which Rodger replied,"YYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS........"
Three men were flying on a plane over the jungle when it crashed.
They were the only people who survived.
They decided that starting the next morning one of them would go
out and make weapons and see if he could kill anything.
So the next morning the first man went out. He didn't come back till about noon.
When they saw him they ran to him and helped him carry the deer back to the
plane wreckage. They asked him how he killed it.
He said "I find tracks...I follow tracks...I kill deer."
So the next morning the second guy set out. He too came back at noon.
When they saw him they ran to him and helped him carry the buffalo he had
killed back to the plane wreckage. They asked him how he had killed it.
He said "I find tracks...I follow tracks...I kill buffalo."
The next morning the third guy went out. The other two were watching and
watching for him.
When it was almost sundown and he still hadn't returned they started getting
Then they saw a person stumbling towards them he looked awful,
really bad cuts and a broken arm. They went and helped him to the fire they had
and asked him what had happened.
He said "I find tracks...I follow tracks...and...I got hit by a train."
Mike Tyson was complaining to Don King about how hard it was
to get any sleep the night before his last big fight.
He tells King, "I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by
this girl I met earlier banging on my door and screaming," he recalled.
"That's terrible," said King. "How'd you ever get any sleep?"
"At five o'clock I finally had enough!
So I unlocked the door and let her out," replied Tyson.
A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor.
The Doc tells him, "I have some very bad news for you.
I'm afraid that you're afflicted with a fatal and incurable disease."
So the guy asks, "Well isn't there ANYTHING I can do, doc?"
"Well... if I were you, I'd join one of those fancy spas and start
taking daily mud baths", replies the Doc.
"Mud baths? Will that cure me Doc?"
"No, not really... but at least you'll get used to being covered in dirt!"
More tommorrow folks!
our Aussie frineds have captured at the Winter Games...
this one's for you Alyssa
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.
There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,
"Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his
herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that
are at least twice as large as your cows."
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of
kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?"
The Aussie, fed up with the Texan's bragging replies with an incredulous look,
"What, don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"
I have hear a similar one. No disrespect intended to Texans
A Texan farmer was bragging about the size of his ranch.
"I can ride my horse all day, and still not come to the end of my land!"
"Yep, I know what you mean." replied the Australian, "I had a horse like that once...."
An oldie, but a goddie!!
These passages are from a book called Disorder in the Court. They are things lawyers and witnesses actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters
Lawyer: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact (of the car)?
Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Lawyer: This Senile Dementia and Myasthenia Gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Lawyer: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget.
Lawyer: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Lawyer: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure?
Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?
Lawyer: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Lawyer: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Doctor: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Lawyer: But could the patient have still been alive, never the less?
Doctor: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere
I hope there aren't to much lawyers among you.
here's Thursday's little selection...
A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.
The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged,
and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.
The bartender looks at the guy and asks:
"What's wrong with your turtle?"
"Not a thing," the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!"
"Not a chance!", replies the barkeep.
"Okay then, says the guy... you take your dog and let him stand at one end of
Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog.
I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there."
So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees.
The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls
Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room,
narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says -
"I WIN... Told you it'll be there before your dog!"
And one for all the rednecks out there...
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had
covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five
years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel
drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the
circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of
drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shucks!"
Only the state of Alabama was different, where 96.4 percent of the final words
"Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"
Once, again, more tommorrow, keep on laughing people!
[Edited on 14/12/2002 by Grondmaster]
Clues you could be a Redneck...
You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
You've ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.
You think the Bud Bowl is real.
Your dog goes "oink!"
You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.
You know how to milk a goat.
Your kids have a three-day old Kool-Aid mustache.
Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.
You've ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone inside.
Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.
You have a refrigerator just for beer.
You come back from the dump with more than you took.
Your wife owns a camouflage nightie.
You've ever worn cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.
You don't think baseball players spit and scratch too much.
You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve
The most common phrase heard in your house is, "Somebody go jiggle the handle."
You can't take a nap without at least one hand tucked inside your pants.
And a nice inventing one....
This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.
He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding
"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"
"A fottle, replies the inventor."
"A fottle? That's a stupid! Can't you think of something else?"
"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."
"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.
"A farton", replies the inventor.
"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!"
"In that case," says the inventor...
"You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."
QUESTIONS FOR THE DAY
* If you tied a piece of buttered toast to a cats back, buttered side up, and then dropped the cat from a height,Would it land on its feet?
* If a tree fell in a forest, and it landed on a mime,would anyone care?
* When you choke a Smurf, what colour does it turn?
Okay, here's Tuesday's little choice cuts... (would have been juicier, but I relented at the last minute, on grounds of good taste)
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!" he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"
"Oh my god", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex!"
Two elderly ladies meet at the market after not seeing each other for some time. One asked how the other's husband was doing. "Oh! Rodger died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped dead right there in the vegetable patch."
"Oh dear, I'm sorry," replied her friend, "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead."
This guy was walking down the sidewalk when he saw a frog. The frog said to him "If you kiss me I will turn into a beautiful princess and be your girlfriend for a day." The guy said "cool" , stuck the frog in his pocket and continued on his way. A little while later, the guy heard the frog say "Hey, hey, hey!" So he took the frog out and asked "What do you want?" The frog said "If you kiss me I will turn into a beautiful princess and be your girlfriend for a month!" He stuck her back in his pocket and continued on his way. Later he heard the frog again "hey, hey ,hey!" He took her out and asked "What do you want?" "She said "If you kiss me I will turn into a beautiful princess and be your girlfriend for a year" He stuck her back in his pocket and continued on his way. Later he heard the frog again "Hey, hey, hey" He took her out, "What do you want" "Why won't you kiss me, I told you I would turn into a beautiful princess and be your girlfriend for a year!" the guy said "I'm a computer programmer, I haven't got time for dating, but a talking frog is cool!"