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Thread: Feedback on some of my poems please?

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Chameleon, this is exactly the right place for this. Big Smile Smilie

The only thing that I didn't like about the first poem is that at the beginning, Frodo (?) talks about 'eternal rest' (is he dead?) and at the end, he says that he cannot sleep. Just seems a little inconsistent. Otherwise, I think it is a very good description of Frodo's relationship with the ring. I am no expert in the forms of poetry, but would it be easier to read if the lines were broken up (ie: insert blank line)?

They're long and green, rough and lean,
Never hasty, always thinking,
They're short and grey, smooth and hairy,
Always caring, always trusting

Caring and trusting? are they? I am not sure of those choice of words, but I like the 'never hasty..', that is certainly true!

Branches and leaves, bark and twigs,
Slow and careful, deepest friends,
Moss and lichen, roots and splinters,
When helps is needed, help they lend.

When help is needed,.. (small gramatical error). If I may make another suggestion, 'lend' would rhyme better with 'friend', maybe you could change the second line to: 'Slow and careful, the deepest friend'. Just a thought.

Ents are trusted, Ents are loved,
Ents of Fangorn, Ents of dreams,
Ents protectors of the trees,
Ents that are not what they seem.

This last para confuses me a little. Who loves the ents besides the elves? You make it sould like everyone does, and most of the world is unaware of their existance. I like the 'protectors of the trees' part - very true, and it would be a terrible injustice to write a poem about ents without mentioning this - good.

I hope some of these criticisms help chameleon. Please feel free to ignore any of them if you wish, they are only meant to be suggestions.

Keep up the work!

[Edited on 18/1/2003 by Allyssa]
Thanks Allyssa,

They care about their trees, and they can be trusted to do what is in their own interest. (Which can be said about just anybody)

grammatical errors Lighening Smilie

most of the world is unaware of their existance

Ah, but no doubt you are thinking only of the two-legged world. The trees love the ents. The animals too. I may be wrong, but didn't Quickbeam sing to birds as well as trees?

I know that 'Slow and careful, the deepest friend' rhymes better, but i don't know if it is what i want to say. I am trying to get across that when you are with the ents. there is not but one, yet all. All of the ents are your friends.

Thanks again Allyssa. Big Smile Smilie


(Grondy turned of a signature that had a smilie in it.)

[Edited on 19/1/2003 by Grondmaster]