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Thread: Merry Making at Rivendel (story board)

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Elladan smiled and said, "I suggest we do nothing, we can get a tax write-off the first year he is gone, and if he isn't back the following year we stand to inherit a bundle."

"Oh, he'll be back in under two weeks." promised Elrohir, "He's so old and desiccated already, that Ungoliant will throw him back as a lost cause. There is no way she can suck blood out of that turnip!"

Arwen looked at her brothers with disgust. "You guys never appreciated Daddy," she said, "you're just jealous 'cause he loved me the mostest."
fortunately for all, the person elfknapped was not the real Elrond, but an actor from a recent movie adaptation doing an impersonation.

The real Elrond steps out of the corner in which he was hiding....

"Well, I am glad that wasn't me.... Now where are the wine barrels, I'm set to get plastered tonight..."

Elrond staggered over to where a voluptuous
elf-maiden was pouring some alcoholic murivor into a large tankard marked with the elf rune E.

Elladan and Elrohir look disapointed and Arwen looks confused.
He put on his shades, and strutted across the room to Alyssa
"Hey there pretty lady, you ever met a real elf before? You know it's true what they say about us don't you? Things only improve with age"
At this point, one of the decorations fell off the wall laughing it's a*se off at the cheap lines, it was plastic and rodent-esque, and was very happy to land in the punch.
"Who let that little dastard in here!" stormed Elrond, who was very unhappy to have the moment ruined like that.
Darkness descended suddenly on Rivendell, and everyone screamed in terror.

"Help!" Elrond's muffled cry could be heard in the gloom.

The cloud lifted, and everyone looked around. There was no sign of Elrond! In his place stood a pile of leaves and a chewed bubblegum.

"Relics from the Two Trees of Valinor!" cried an Elf. "This can only mean one thing - that evil Ungoliant Gloomweaver has Elfnapped Elrond!"

"Oh no!" cried Arwen. "Poor daddy - what do we do?"
At the same moment a small wolly haired figure popped out from a large hobbit-hole in the corner of the hall
"Where is Merry?" piped a small voice.
"Why, it's Pippin!" exclaimed Arwen "Why do you think that Merry will be here, my dear hobbit?"
"Well" stammered Pippin and blushed "Somebody told me that the title of this story is "Merry making in Rivendell", so I naturally thought..."
"And you were right!" shouted the Plastic Squirrel and tore away his ears, teeth and large fluffy tail made of a particularly bright orange plastic "It's me! We Tooks and Brandybucks will never miss such an occasion to drink the best miruvor in the Middle Earth!"
Things seemed to be gettin a little too quiet, so Elrond (the real one) started a conga line and lewdly pinched all the ladies bottoms as he went past.

At that moment, all the lights went out, and there were some startled screams. When the lights came back on, the Elrond Impersonator was standing where he had been before he was kidnapped, looking exhauseted and rather dazed. His long hair was standing on end and his elaborate circlet hung over one eye.

"You wont believ what just happened to me..." he puffed
"If you think that we won't believe you, why do you try to tell us anything?" asked Allyssa shrewdly.
"Because I am talkative" answered Elrond
"So tell us already," sang out the chorus.

"Please don't" came the cry of the boys in the backroom.

And Elrond began, "The Night was dark and stormy..."
*Allyssa sighs, and decides to carry on this thread alone, to see how long it is before anyone notices

[Edited on 16/3/2002 by Allyssa]
But he was cut off by the sudden appearance of the other Elrond, from where he had been quietly sleeping under a table.

"Imposter!" he cried, "I am the real Elrond"

The three children look confused, staring at first one and then the other.

"Which is Daddy?" Arwen asked her brethren.

They both shook their heads in unison.

"I am daughter!" Exclaimed the other looking around, trying to see who spoke.

As the two Elronds sparred and argued, something else happened

A tall, dark haired elven woman entered, easing across the floor with cat-like grace.

"I am called Eryan." she smiled

Behind her entered someone dressed in a strange looking squirrel outfit, a Swamp-elf, Huan the hound, a half-hobbit, a gnympie ant, TomBombadillo, a rather boring looking fellow, a chikakat (whatever that is), and a large numeral 42. Allyssa handed them all a drink of murivor.

"Hmmm," said Elladan to his brother, "This lot looks like fun, I wonder will they say anything?"

Elrohir didn't reply as twins don't need to answer each other. Big Smile Smilie

[10 days and counting]
A Skwerl stuck it's head round the door and said "You're doing such a great job here on your own Alyssa, i just didn't want to interrupt" and then left just as promptly.
All the guests invited to Rivendell were by now completely drunk and very sleepy. So the Elves prepared them nice clean beds and everybody went to sleep.
Elrond began to suspect something.
"Someone put something into my miruvor!" he exclaimed "But who and why?"
And then suddenly he conceived a dreadful suspection.
"Allyssa! It was YOU! You evidently like to be the only one to write this story!"
"No it's not me!" protested Allyssa with a feeble voice and then fell asleep, too.
"It's not she" muttered Elrond "So WHO in the Middle-Earth could try to spoil my Merry Making?"
And Elrond heard a diabolical chuckle behind him. Turning, he heard: "Twas I," said the other Elrond, "Mother always loved you best and locked me away in that deep, dank, dark, damp, dingy, dungeon of a room. But I bided my time and I have finally escaped and now ITS PAYBACK TIME!" And he picked up a matching party hat, placed it on his head, and proceeded to, "PARTY ON!"

... in the Old Forest, Old Tom Bombadil was doing a piece of his own merry-making, when suddenly he was reminded of Elrond's birthday by his lovely Goldberry. Crossed because they didn't get an invitation, they decide to set off for Rivendell at once. They arrive just in time to see...
... a giant cloud of very hungry midges turning in circles around the house and trying to get into it and to devour all the guests sleeping so soundly in their little white beds
Goldberry says to Tom, "Oooh, Tommy, do something or we shan't get into the party.

Tom proceeds to make up a rhyme and lays about the midges with:

"Midgey, midgey in the air.
Find another house; go there.
If you won't, then beware,
My vacuum cleaner becomes a snare."

The midges getting the idea, head on over toward Beorn's house with visions of heavenly honey dancing in their tiny heads, once again leaving Elrond's place unprotected from uninvited party animals.

"Oh, Tommy your so smart," says Goldie, "again you have proved that Mother was wrong. Now we can go to the party."

Just then...
A clap of thunder echoed across the sky, a black cloud shrouded the valley in shadow, while a chill breeze stirred the leaves. Nine riders were approaching, their black mounts trampling the carefully manicured lawns.

"Hells..." frowned Tom as they halted before him, their features hidden within their cowls. "Here goes the neighbourhood. Why Elrond diverted that stream to form a water feature beats me?"

The lead rider swung out of his saddle and stood tall before Tom, a cruel dagger tucked into his belt.

"The Shire's that'away," spoke Tom coldly, pointing west. He did not like the way the figure appeared to be sniffing the air around Goldberry. Goldberry clung to his arm protectively.
"Hobbits.." Tom added thoughtfully. "They always throw a good party. Just ask for the Bagginses."

The figure before him raised its head and shrieked loudly, a hideous caterwaul sufficient to wake the dead. Behind him Tom could hear the sound of breaking glass, the scream shattering the windows and Elrond's favourite punch bowl.

"Let me past, dwarf," the figure eventually hissed with icy breath. He rummaged within the folds of his cloak and pulled out a hastily sketched map. "Valedhelgwath invited us."
Tom's face turned bright red, even redder than his normally scarlet nose, as he reared up, he exclaimed, "Who you calling a 'dwarf', Lich? Them's fightin' words, them are; and if my Lady Goldberry wasn't here to stop me, I'd wipe up the place with you and stuff your cloak, an' cowl, an' all, down your fat mouth. If you had one," he added taking a closer look at to whom he had been trying to browbeat. "Well if you have a special invite from Valedhelgwath, go right on in," he said condescendingly and added with a smile, "Mind if we tag along?"
Inside: Elrond was standing tearfully amongst the shards of his punch bowl, when the door flew open, and a frigid gale swept through the room, followed by some frigid men in black capes.

Elrond paled. Allyssa shrieked and hid under a table in a corner, with Elladan and Elrohir.

"Who invited you! Fell spawn of mankind's lust for power!" Elrond warbled.

"I did," said a deep commanding voice, and into the room strode...

[Edited on 30/4/2002 by Allyssa]
... Valedhelgwath.
Of course!
(It was so easy to guess!!!!).
Elrond frowned.
"And who invited YOU?"
Valedhelgwath laughed coldly. His breath was like ice.
"I do not need an invitation" he said and then laughed again "I am at home everywhere in the Middle Earth! Even here, in this funny mouse-hole of Imladris!"
At that very moment Allyssa woke up from her sleep with her heart beating frantically...
"I wasn't asleep master! I was just in the middle of... never mind! Wake up indeed!" Allyssa snorted. She turned to the newcommer.
"So what do you want? Your not going to hurt Elrond are you?"

Val laughed so coldly, everyone wondered if he had inhaled dry ice or something.

"I am the all powerful elf of shadow, " he boomed, so that the rafters quivered, "And I would like..."
..."to finish at last that old quarrel between the Elves and the Nine Riders! We should all meet together at a Round Table and drink some really good wine!"s
And at that command, each of the Ringwraiths produced a bottle of Tequila from the folds of his cloak and shouted "Slam time!" in unison. The assembled company looked on in horror as they removed their cloaks to reveal...
....the ghostlike, twisted features of the former kings that these black abominations once were. The room fell into a hushed silence as the nine emptied their goblets, more than one elf caressing the hilt of his sword in anticipation. Slowly the head of the nine, the witchking himself, carefully placed his goblet on the table and glanced around him. Around the room heads hung in fear as his gaze fell upon them.
"Shall be be seated?" he hissed, his voice cold but polite. "What shall we say, boy....girl....boy....girl?"
"Me baggsy next to Arwen," one of his companions shrieked excitedly, slipping past his leader to grab his favoured seat.
Arwen slipped behind Glorfindel (not the first time she had stabbed him in the back), the Lord of the Nazgul shrieked his deafening caterwaul, and not for the first time that day, Elrond frowned as his favourite glassware (this time a wedding gift from Galadrial) shattered.
"Does this have to happen every time I invite you to a party?" Valedhelgwath demanded of the witchking, his face reddening with embarrassment. He glanced around at the two dozen freshly drawn swords of bright elven steel. "See what you've started now.... Just like that concert at Pelennor Fields."
"Me.... Us?" the witchking hissed in surprise." He pointed a gauntlet clad finger accussingly in Valedhelgwath's direction. "That was not us who started that.... His sons," he pointed his finger at Elrond, "started slaughtering my caterers."
"And what of my first party?" whispered Elrond beneath his breath.
"Gondolin?" demanded the witchking. "Here we go again. You just cannot let it rest, can you."
"We were not at Gondolin!" chorused the other eight.
"And I guess, to be fair, I had invited a couple of Balrogs," Valedhelgwath muttered defensively. "How was I to know?"

The room again fell into silence as both sides glowered at each other. Then.....
"Well," said Elrond, "Actually I wasn't at Gondolin either, It was my father Earendil."
"Dudes" cried the Witchking, "if every elf who claimed he was at Gondolin was really there, there wouldn't have been space to breathe!"
"Well, I was there even if he wasn't," Valedhelgwath muttered beneath his breath, trying to judge which side he had best be on if a fight errupted. "Elrond? Earendil? T'was a long time ago..... Besides, all you half-elves look the same to me."
"Hey!" objected Allyssa the half-elf "I am smallish and red-haired. I show some favour to my Haladin ancestry. I know what you mean about the others though. Look at Elrond's sons!"

Elladan and Elrohir politely step forward and show off their identicalness.

"What?" asked Val, " You mean there are two of them! And I thought the orcs were just exagerating!"

Elrond puffed out his chest, finding himself proud of his sons. It was something that didn't happen very often.

Just then, there was a brilliant and dazzling flash of light outside, as a glass ship landed in Elrond's rose garden. In came a surprisingly shortish man with blond hair and blue eyes.

"Did I hear someone say that Half-elves look alike?" he asked in a clear melodious voice.
"Grandpa," cried the twins in unison; "Pa'" exclaimed Elrond chiming in on the third syllable.

"Ah, me boys," said the new newcomer giving each a hug in turn. (And no, history doesn't tell us which of the twins he hugged first.) "I finally got me a little spot of shore leave. Who's the comely lass talking to that tall drink of water what's wearing the ragged ranger outfit," he said asked lustily?

"Oh her, she's a no-never-mind, just our sister Arwen," said Elrohir.

"Yeah and the ranger is our buddy Strider, the many-great grandson of Elendil the Dunedain," added Elladan. "He used to be fun to go out drinking with, but now he can't keep his eyes off Arwen, so he ain't much fun to be around any more."

"I knows what you mean," says the new comer, "Yer Pa was just like that after he met yer old lady, how's that old hellion doin', anyway? Don't see her around here anywhere," he asked innocently.

Elrond replied...
Allyssa laughed loudly at this exchange, especially the bit about who hugged who first. When the others turned and looked at her she quickly hid behind Arwen, who was still not sure what was going on, and was standing pidgeon toed, her head on one side, open mouthed and with one finger on her chin. She was the picture of stupified confusion.
"Well, thanks for the drinks," the witchking hissed, his pockets bulging with snacks from Elrond's banquet table. Personally, he thought to himself, the whole atmosphere was becoming just a little too elvish. "Gotta fly now, the dwarves are having a bit of a bash in yonder hills."
Suddenly reaching forward like a coiled snake, he grabbed a startled Arwen by the wrist and pressed his insubstantual face close against hers. She twitched in terror and repulsion. If he had a tongue it was tickling her tonsils.
"Why don't you lose that loser?" he hissed in her ear, his breath icy and fepostThreadID. "There's a seat on my mount... Ride for a ride. Y'know what I mean."
As a dozen elves nervously advanced on their position, Arwen looked from the grizzled wraith to Aragorn, and then back again. Quickly making a decision, she answered.....
Arwen answered, "What kind of a girl do you take me for?" and she proceeded to .....
...slap the surprised wraith about his bony face until his crown fell off and his red, coal-like eyes rolled around in their bony sockets.

Aragorn and a rather drunken collection of elves finally came to her rescue. Arwen hawked and spat, then vigorously wiped her mouth on Aragorn's collar, which although filthy, held a preferable flavour to the mouth of the witch king. Aragorn endured this indiginity with all the proud stoicism of his race.

Elladan, Elrohir and Elrond wondered if they aught to be doing something.

"Why dont we..."
"Play Twister" they agreed....
"Twister!" the undead cried in unison, more of Elrond's antiques biting the dust. Leaping onto their black mounts, the frothing beasts pawing the air with their forelegs, the nine tore across the manicured lawns, words striking more fear than sharp elven swords.
Inside, Elrond surveyed the carnage and wept. Elves and elf-friends gathered around him, offering him the support he had offered them in the past. With one exception....
"And why are you looking so smug, Valedhelgwath?" Arwen demanded angrily, her close encounter with the witchking still a little too fresh to be forgotten.
"Me?" grinned Valedhelgwath broadly, looking up from filing his nails. "I have just hit a hundred posts after all...."
"And now I'm officially a friend, too," he added even more smugly, giving all the others a hug and breaking into song. "What d'yer say we liven this party up a bit?"
At which time Gollum crawled out of the muck, picked up a spare party hat and noise-maker, and imitating the voice of Muppet drummer Animal, he started chanting: "Party!, Party!, Party!"

This being the last straw, Elrond commanded, "Turn on the firehose Glorfindal, lets flush these rats back down their holes."
At which time Elrond turned loose the kink he'd put in the hose thinking, "I always wanted to pull that on the lordly bugger; that should lower him a peg or two. Besides, why should Pippin have all the fun?"

Allyssa, feeling motherly to all male elves, handed her hankie to Glorfindal who now looked like a drowned rat. "Poor baby" she said.

Glorfindal, ever the gentle-elf, accepted the proffered dainty piece of handiwork, wiped has eyes, blew his nose, and handed the now equally soggy rag back to Allyssa with a flourish, a smile, and a "Thank you mum."

While visions of short sheets, scorpions, and rattlesnakes danced in his head. He turned, smiled at Elrond, and said, "Now how did that happen?" and silently dreaming of revenge thought to himself: "The old slop-filled bucket at the door top. Yeah, that should do the trick, even if I have to wait a hundred years."

Suddenly ...

[Edited on 31/5/2002 by Grondmaster]
Glorfindel grabs the firehose, turns the tap -- but nothing happens. Such simple technologies being very confusing to elves, he foolishly peers into the end of the hose, to see if he can determine why it isn't working....

Big Smile Smilie
...Allyssa, unable to contain herself any longer, burst out laughing Ha Ha Ha Smilie then pretended that she had been coughing.

"I've got them all fooled!" she whispered as an aside, rubbing her hands together feverishly, "Now all I have to do is wait for the head honchos to be looking the other way, and I can take over the whole valley. Today Rivendel, Tomorrow Middle Earth!!! I shall rule the world! All shall love me and dispair!"

She then set off to short-sheet Elrond's and Glorfindel's beds, knowing that each would blame the other, and she could sit back and enjoy the chaos. Very Evil Smilie
The next morning opened its eyes to loud bangings and clangings surrounded by an unbearably bright light, and quickly proceeded to clamp them shut again. Then it dawned upon Gandalf that he had sampled a little too strenuously, of that Lebennin red, the night before. And now his stomach felt a little too queasy, as he crawled from his bed.

"Why, oh why will I never learn?" he silently mouthed, in a thunderous voice that made his temples throb.

Just then Pippin cracked the door open and tip-toed into the room carrying...
three herrings, a pound and a half of minced sheep and a small blender....
"FOOL OF A TOOK!!!" cried Gandalf, beside himself with rage. He was always grumpy first thing in the morning. "Do you not know not to tamper with the affairs of wizards?!!"
All of his past memories (and there were quite a few) flashed before his eyes in a sudden nightmarish vision. Clutching his staff, fearing he once again faced the balrog in Khazad-dum, he chanted little used words; Elium...Farum...Blizum.
Barely diving to the floor in time, a ball of flame shot across Pippin's back, the explosion destroying the far wall and wrecking two delicately carved pillars in the corridor beyond. Its supports gone, the floor of the room above began to tilt slowly downwards, the beams and floorboards creaking and cracking noisily.
"You're for it now, Gandalf !" Pippin squealed as he rolled beneath the collapsing ceiling. "Elrond won't be happy."
"Elrond will never know," Gandalf snorted angrily. Rolling over, he buried his head beneath his pillow.
"Oh yes he will !" came a reply from the corridor beyond the ruined wall. "I was sleeping in the room above until I found my bed sliding towards the garden." Peering through the wreckage, his white nightcap half covering his face, he pointed an angry finger at the wizard. "YOU'RE BANNED!" he shouted.
"Oh quit moaning and come back to bed," a sweet voice whispered from beneath the covers of Elrond's bed.
Noticing a large crowd beginning to gather, Elrond turned round in alarm and pulled the covers back. "Who are you?" he exclaimed.
At which time the narrator interjected that Gandalf's out burst of fire and words actually took place much later in the day, after he had sampled Bullroarer's Patented Hangover Cure, which Pippin having inherited via The Old Took, had concocted and quietly brought to Gandalf earlier that morning.

Gandalf's subsequent outburst was caused by Pippin's substitution of the "three herrings" for the prescribed "five sardines" of the cure's secret recipe, due to a dearth of sardines in Rivendel that year. That Gandalf was allergic to herring, would be self-evident were one to view the fiery red spots that appeared at the inner surfaces of all his joints.

Let us now return to that later hour, where Elrond trying to determine the identity of his bedmate exclaims, "Who are you?"
"OH ELROND! Dont you recognise me?" said the sweet voice mournfully.

Elrond reached in and dragged the owner of the sweet voice out of the covers by one leg.

Dangling from Elrond's outstretched arm was a diminutive person with big blue eyes and curly brown hair.

"Frodo!" exclaimed Gandalf.

At the moment, Allyssa, having heard the commontion, strolled past to investigate.

"Whew!" she said "For a moment there, I was very worried that would turn out to be me in there!"

"You, know," smiled Glorfindel, with a look of relief, "The way things have been going, I was half expecting to find myself in there complete with studded black leathers and a pink tutu."
At that point Samwise Gamgee poked his head from beneath the covers too and asked.....
... Sam asked, "Are you guys through with the snoring now? Your log sawing kept me awake all night. If your through, I'll try to catch me forty winks; Pippin, wake me when the bath-water's hot and I'll have my breakfast at half-past nine.

Pippin replied, "In your dreams Sam. The bath-water's gone cold and you've already missed breakfast. So you may as well get up, grab your hoe, and start to work on the weeds in the tater patch." Pausing to wink at Merry, he continued, "If you want lunch today, you're going to have to earn it."
"Lunch," enthused Valedhelgwath, "I could eat a horse."
It was then, however, that they noticed peeking out of the covers between Sam and Frodo was a symbol remarkably similar to a previous courtesy from a local don strongly suggesting that a washed-up teen age idol had better receive a specific role in a certain upcoming movie*.
"What is the meaning of this?" cried Elrond in dismay.

* View The Godfather for the gory details and From Here to Eternity for a hint to whom in reality, the idol was rumored to be. What this has to do with Glorfindal's horse or our heroes may or may not be forthcoming.

Note: This post edited in response to the SPCA (Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals) and MAUG (Mothers Against Unnecessary Gore).
Moderator Smilie

[Edited on 8/6/2002 by Grondmaster]
Allyssa ran from the room with her hand pressed to her mouth. The neighbourhood seemed to be deteriorating rapidly.
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