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Thread: What Tolkien Didn't Tell You..

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What Tolkien Didn't Tell You About Middle Earth was started by Celebriannenharma on August 3rd, 2005.

This thread should contain humorous " Top ## " Lists regarding the people(s) of Middle Earth. I have made two already, just for example. I'm sure you all can come up with some more good ones! Have Fun! Elf Winking Smilie
Top 25 Things that would Insult Sauron:

1. Say to him conversationally, "so, you, the "Dark Lord," was really a tough guy who wanted to rule the world? Well, how come all it took to stop you was cutting off a few of your fingers?"
2. Tease him with a hot poker saying, "Do it, and I'll use this!"
3. Tell him that doing "evil things" is kind of girly.
4. Ask him if he has a prescription for Visine, then when he says "no," suggest he visits the local eye doctor.
5. Try to persudae him into playing "Ring around the rosie" with you.
6. Ask him to recite the "One Ring" phrases in the, Black Speech, five times fast.
7. Sing this song gayly, to the tune of "London Bridge is Falling Down" :
"Barad-Dur is falling down, falling down, falling down!
Barad-Dur if falling down, and it almost poked it's Eye out!"
8. Try to get him to join in with you singing, to the tune of "the Ants go Marching One by One" :
"The Uruks go marching one by one, hoorah! Hoorah! The Uruks go marching one by one, hoorah! Hoorah! The Uruks go marching one by one, the captain stops to suck his thumb, and they all go marching down, in the ground. To get away, from you reign."
9. Ask him, "So, why is it that you never had a girlfirned, again?"
10. Ask him curiously, "Why would you want the One Ring when you don't even have any fingers?"
11. Suggest to him that he meet Lord Voldemort. They could do girly "evil things" together."
12. Ask him curiously, "When you get tires, how do you sleep? Your only Eye is lidless!"
13. Try to persuade him to play jacks with you, then, after ten minutes of pleading, say, "Oops! I forgot... you don't have any hands!"
14. Try to get him to play "Hide and Seek" with you, but don't give him a chance to hide. Instead, just run aroung hiding behind random things, yelling, "Can you find me now? How 'bout now? And now?"
15. Sign him up and audition for a Verizon commercial. "Can you see me now? Good!"
16. Blame everything on "The Precious."
17. Attempt a knock-knock joke: "Knock-knock." "Who's there?" "What? Where?" (look behind you confusedly)
18. Point out that his "evil is showing."
19. Ask himto tell you a bedtime story at lunch time.
20. Tell him that the only evil people who really succeed are the ones with college educations.
21. Ask him to help you tye your shoelaces. Then start throwing a childish fit when he says, "no."
22. Ask him if he wants to thumb wrestle, then realize, quite loudly, that he doesn't have any thumbs.
23. Buy him chocolate on Valentin's Day. Write on the card: "Eye Love You, my Precious. From, the One."
24.Tell him "fire engine red" lipstick would bring out his Eye.
25. Persuade him to play, "Eye Spy" with you. and insist that he has to say every time, "I spy, with my one, humungous, red, fiery, burning eyeball...."
The Top 10 Reasons the LOTR Characters Should Have Been Girls:

1. Isildur wouldn't have been stupid enough to kee the Ring in the first place. He would have cast it into the fiery chasm from whence it came.
2. Gollum would have seen the Ring as a fine piece of jewelry, not called it "My Precious," but "My snoogie-woogie-kins," and he would never have lost it.
3. Pippin wouln't be called a "Fool" of a Took, but a "Fabulous" of a Took.
4. Sam would have went on Tony Little's exercise program before trying to climb Mt. Doom. It would have been easier for him.
5. Sauron's Eye would have, big, long eyelashes to keep out the ash in the air in Mordor. That way, his Eye wouldn't be burning all the time.
6. Elrond would have better fashion sense in his eyebrows.
7. Celeborn would be able to talk better and not be so, well...creepy?
8. Gimli wouldn't be so grumpy all the time. (with the exception of PMS)
9. Denethor would be, well, better.
10. Boromir wouldn't be tempted to take the Ring. Instead, he would spread terrible gossip about Frodo to the rest of the Fellowship. Much more fun, I think. Smile Smilie
I was hoping to get more interest than this... you guys are really missing out! Anyway, since I think think humorous list-making is fun, here's another one...

This is a helpful list of what never to say to an Uruk-hai:

1. Dread locks just aren't cool anymore.
2. I think your sandals are cute. Where'd you get them?
3. That stuff you drink isn't exactly delightful.
4. Face painting was fun when we were six, but your faces being painted is just plain weird. Yes, kind of creepy.
5. Tic-tacs anyone?
6. That pony tail makes brings out your cute side.
7. Dental higene is very important. Ever heard of mouth wash? Dental Floss? Toothpaste!? Anything!?

Well, that's all I got! If anyone would like to post one, feel free! Smile Smilie
Celebriannenharma this is a really cool thread but im not very good @ thinking of funny things so if i wuz better i would definately join in. and i really think that your lists r very funny! Big Laugh Smilie Very Big Grin Smilie
I And that isn't meant to be detrimental to either of us. I'm not a funny list maker; it is hard enough for me to come up with one funny at a time.
Well, instead of lists, maybe we could turn this into just one thing at a time. You know what I mean? Like maybe a thing like this: someone could post a topic, and a few people could come up with something humorous about that topic. Then, someone else could come up with a new topic. If anyone would be interested in that, just post!
What Tolkien didn't tell us about keeping our shoe laces ties so we didn't trip over them:

1) All hobbit feet with hair longer than one inch shall wear it in braids.
Tolkien didn't tell us the year Lady ’owyn died, although he mentions the year Faramir dies : IV 82.

Tolkien also didn't tell us Legolas's birth year.

Tis i find a bit frustrating. Am i the only one who loses sleep because of this ? (:-P
Tolkien didn't tell us that all those Elven warriors, including Haldir, gave up their lives at the Fortress of Helm's Deep, in order that the Rohirrim inside it could hold out until the forces of Gandalf and ’omer rode out of the sunrise relieve them.
2. Uruk's wear sandals, they don't have laces.
3. "All Dwarven Folk: When you trip, do not blame it on your showlaces. You're probably tripping over your beard."
3. "Arwen: Why don't you find a dress that is the right length for you. You woulnd't trip to much!"
Tolkien didn't tell us the reason Frodo, Sam, and Gollum climbed the stairs of cirith ungol.
The elevator was out of order.
Tolkien didn't tell us the real reason Sam and Frodo wandered around the Emyn Muil lost and confused was because their GPS unit was on the fritz.

Also Tolkien didn't tell us that the reason Frodo and Sam had to make that long, laborious trip to Mordor on foot was because the United Workers of Middle Earth Tranport and Transit was striking for better wages, more mead and health benefits due to the increase in orc attacks.
Tolkien didn't tell us that female dwarves actually did have beards. PJ told us. (I am not positive on that I don't remember it in the books.)
The Palantir were, in actual fact, mobile phones with video facility and Sauron's number on speed dial.
Ok, Here's one!

Top Five Questions that run through my mind when I'm in a weird mood...

5) If the ring makes things corrupt, what if a speck of dust were to land on the inside of it? Would it become an all powerful dust speck, ruling over the others with an iron fist?

4) Why didn't the chain holding the ring turn invisible?

3) What would happen if the ghosts that aided Aragorn in his battle to Gondor were stabbed to death? Would they die....AGAIN!?!?!

2) Hmm...I wonder if Frodo's finger tastes like chicken?

1) Why couldn't the eagles just fly Frodo and Gandalf over Mount Doom and have him cast the ring into the fire before anyone was corrupted by it? I know it would make a very good story line, but it would have been so easy and simple, and the hobbits could be back in Bag-End, drinking and partying it up!

I don't know if that was very funny...meh.
Wow that is rather humerous....

Orangeflower, read your number 1)

then read the second post of this page.
Those were very good, orangeflower. Anyone else? I haven't been able to think of any good ones lately...
Okay. Here's a new one:
Things that could have happened in the Lord of the Rings, that didn't:

1. In Mt. Doom, when Gollum comes up to Frodo:
G- "Friends, precious?"
F- "Friends."
They both smile at each other and a tear runs down each of there faces. Frodo holds out his hand with the One Ring in it. Gollum grasps it, and they step to the edge of the cliff. They hold out their grasping hands over the fire, and drop the ring in together. Then, they share a big hug, and Sam joins in. The End. What a Happy Ending! *tear tear*