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This story is written by Celeborn, it was posted somewhere else in the forum and moved to it's own thread here. It is inspired by Oerath Windsoul's creation "The Myth of Arcadian", so I guess we can call it a fan fic. Happy Elf Smilie

Here follows Celeborn's posts:


Then came Celeborn to Arcadian. He came from Aman the Blessed, he was a Telerin Elf with an inquiring mind. He came with a camera, he intended to write a newspaper story about it. He had ventured into the deepest recesses of Avathar in the south of Aman, and had found the Oval River. He sailed on that strangely-shaped watercourse until he reached the Cave of Obscure Outlet. Wherein he entered and found the Green Window of Light. Setting the Dial of Esoteric Runes, he passed through that Eldritch Window and found himself in Arcadian, a Land of Passing Beauty and Strangeness. Now Celeborn son of Galadhon had come to Arcadian on a Quest, for he had heard that a Certain Rabbi of Puissant Powers dwelt therein, in the Mysterious City of Nauplis. And he had heard tell that this same Mystic Essene might be Olorin in disguise! Wishing once more to look upon the face of his dear friend, Celeborn had thus ventured here, a Stranger In a Strange Land. "Not even Middle Earth is like unto this!" he muttered to himself, taking snapshots of everything of interest, a hut, a Cow, etc. "Now where is that pesky Preacher Man?" He came upon a Lonely Pastoral tomb, its door ajar, completely empty, and inscribed with a Hermetick Engraving. "ET IN ARCADIAN, EGO ..." Celeborn read in bemusement. "Huh? "The one you seek is not here, for he has risen," said a Voice behind him. He whirled to see Loki staring at him. Loki stepped back in amazement, and spat! "Lo, an Eldar!" he snarled. "What in Blazes are you doing here?" Celeborn eyed the Spirit with great suspicion and replied: "Looking for Yeshua Bar Question Mark, but are you Melkor or something?" "What!" sniffed Loki disdainfully. "That creep? No! Now what do you want here?" "I seek the Rabbi," said Celeborn tersely, eyeing Loki with Misgiving. Loki looked askance at the High Elf and said: "Hmm. Well, I don't rightly know. Tell you what, ask a Guardian. They might know." Celeborn took a picture of Loki, who smiled with sharp teeth. "Which way to a Guardian?" asked Celeborn. Loki hooked his thumb and said: "Just follow El Sendero Luminoso. It's over there. " Then Loki disappeared in a billow of purple smoke, leaving Celeborn looking dazed and confused. "Utumno!" the Elf swore. "May the Valar Forfend! Wish I'd brought Galadriel along, she'd know what to do at this Juncture. Or Sam Gamgee, or someone. Here goes." He stepped onto El Sendero Luminoso and was conveyed forward magically, past Panoramic Scenes depicting Cavemen fighting Saber-Toothed Tigers. He was on his way!

After a few yards, the Conveyor Belt abruptly came to a halt. Invisible hands pushed Celeborn into the dirt. "Ass!" cursed Celeborn, as he scrambled out of the grime and brushed loess off his nice Adam Ant frock coat. Rearranging his camera around his neck (it was a cheap Japanese Nikon), Celeborn trudged along a narrow dirt path, hot and out of sorts. Presently he came to a Maize Field. In it was standing a mean-looking Little Man, dressed all in black. The Man's mouth was open stupidly, and he gaped up at the sky. Celeborn walked up to him and said: "Yo, where Messiah at?" "In your pants, stupid," said the Man contemptuously. "Are you, uh, Xippie?" asked Celeborn. "Am I whattie?" said the Man, looking menacing. Celeborn quickly snapped off a photo. "Hey there!" said the Man, and tried to grab Celeborn's camera. But the Elf danced back laughingly and said: "Well, goodbye!" He hurried off, but the Little Man followed him. He caught up to him and grabbed the Elf's arm warningly. "Look!" shouted the Man, pointing at a hill. A large Sheet, white and dismally flapping, floated majestically over the hill, and came directly at them. It opened up, and blue-green lightning played briefly across its surface. It closed up and continued to move toward them. "Is that Xippie?" said Celeborn, slightly worried. "No!" snapped the Man. The Sheet glided up to them and stared at them wordlessly. Celeborn raised his camera. As he took the shot, the Sheet quickly turned into a huge smiling Grape Kool-Aid Pitcher. Celeborn clicked the shutter and said "Bitch!" The Sheet then turned into a White Demon and stared at them impassively. "Yeah, that's right!" said the Little Man. He reached up and tried to slap the Demon. But the Demon's arm abruptly snaked out, caught his hand in mid-air, and threw it away contemptuously. A brief smile played across the Demon's lips. "Oh, I see," said the Little Man. He quickly turned into a gigantic bottle of liquid Intensified Tide. The Demon blinked and whined: "Th-that's not fair!" The Giant Bottle squirted a bunch of Blue Glop all over the demon, who turned into a Pile of Garbage. "You, you big bully!" cried the Garbage, slinking off. "I'll get even with you someday!" "You're not moving fast enough!" shouted the Man, and kicked the Garbage. The Garbage gave a Yelp and scurried off. "All right," said the Little Man. He looked around for Celeborn, but the Elven King had snuck off in disgust a few moments before. As a matter of fact, the Elf had just scrambled down a slope and was sliding into a water-filled ditch. "A Elbereth!" shouted Celeborn, sinking into muddy, filthy water. "Glub!"

Celeborn clambered out of the ditch and shook the water off himself like a dog. Fortunately he had held the camera over his head, so it wasn't ruined. He felt as though the Little Man was watching him from the trees, so he loped away cursing down the Dirt Path. Presently he reached a fork in the road. One branch was labeled with a rough-hewn sign which read CHINA'S SORROW. "Huh!" said Celeborn, and took that way. But in less than a minute, he found his further progress blocked by a Mime. Celeborn was afraid of Mimes. "Oops! Hello!" said the Elf, feeling vaguely stupid for actually talking to a Mime. "Are you, uh, are you China's Sorrow?" The Mime smiled and nodded pleasantly. "Well hello there, Mr. Sorrow," said Celeborn. He took a picture of the Mime, but the clown-like person spoiled the shot by looking away. The Telerin sighed and said: "Hey, where Messiah at?" The Mime simpered engagingly and picked up a small piece of Wood. He began to Act Out. "Oh, charades, is it?" said the disgruntled Elf. "My least favorite game! Oh, we're playing now? Uh, Movie? El Topo? Sounds like? No, IS!" The Mime flourished the piece of Wood meaningfully. 'Uh, Birch. No, sawmill, sawing the air? No? Uh, uh, Stick, pointy stick, uh, twig ... Twig? Is the first word 'Twig'?" The Mime nodded and smiled, and picked up some dog waste. "Um!" said Celeborn, scratching his head. "Okay. Disgusting, vile, retarded, wash your hands? No? Oh! Uh, um, doo-doo, crap, uh, turd? Poopy? POOPY!? It IS Poopy? Poopy? Huh!" The Mime smiled and clapped his hands. He grimaced as he felt the waste squish in his hands. "Okay," said Celeborn. So that gives us Twig. Poopy. What?" The crazy gesturer made an extending motion. "Twig is wrong? Twigged out, twiggy? Twiggy? That's really it, twiggy? That gives us Twiggy Poopy. Twiggy Poopy? Uh, what the Hell does that mean, please?" The Mime shrugged and smirked, and pantomimed being blown away by a hurricane. The Mime soon disappeared from view, waving friendlily. Celeborn abruptly sat down on a handy log, right on a living Sea Cucumber, and began to cry in rage and frustration. "Blast that Mime!" wept Celeborn, blowing his nose loudly with a hankie. "That crazy Mime ruined my shot by looking away! Boo-hoo-hoo!" As he lamented, disgusting orange stuff oozed out from under the seat of his hitherto immaculate Levi Bell-bottoms. It was a Dark Moment.

In the meantime, the Great Xaie was staring at the sniveling Celeborn in his Magic Crystal Ball, grimacing with displeasure. "Just look at that stupid Kyalpo, just look at him!" rasped Xaie to his Smouldering Companion. "Oh, look now! He's gone and sat on a Sea Cucumber. Oh! Now he's jumping up! Now he's taking a picture of the squished mess, I don't believe this!" Xaie got up and began to pace. "I, I don't get it. I thought Quendi were supposed to be Smart? And he called me Xanadu!" "No, Xippie!" growled the Other, in a menacing deep voice. "Wha, Xippie? XIPPIE? Well, that tears it, then! This has gone on long enough. And he's getting too close to Nauplis!" Xaie jumped up in the air, smacked his palm in his fist, and barked in rage. "Right! It's Guardian Time, and I am Delegating! Sockoh!" The Element Lord turned to his Burning friend and gestured imperiously. "SURT FIRE DEMON! I enjoin thee to go now and give our unwelcome tourist a very hot "welcome"! Nyah-haah!" Surt rose majestically and bowed. "If it so pleases your worship," the thing grated, bursting into white-hot flame. Flapping his arms rapidly, the Fire Fiend sailed out the window and into the air, while Xaie cackled and cracked his knuckles in glee. It did not look too good for Celeborn. But just then .....!  

Just then, a small Rail-bird landed on a bush next to Celeborn. The Elf stopped brushing squished sea-creature off his bottom and said: "Well, hello there, little rail-bird! Hold still! Now say Cheese!" "Cheeeeeese!" said the rail-bird, and the Quendi snapped the bird's picture. Immediately the Rail turned into a witchy-looking brunette girl, very beautiful and enchanting. "Wha, wha, WHA!?" said Celeborn, stumbling back. "Who you?" "I am the Princess Raela, daughter to Guinevere and Arthur!" smiled the Princess. "You have set me free from an Evil Spell by taking my photo!" "Well, fancy that!" shrugged the Elven King. "Where Messiah at?" The Princess grabbed his arm and tugged him over to a nearby train station. As she purchased two tickets, she explained to the startled son of Galadhon: "Never mind the Messiah, old top! You have a real problem now, Surt is after you! I, I smell him coming!" "I just smell Barbecue," muttered Celeborn. "Get on this train now!" barked Raela, pushing him aboard. Unfortunately, Surt boarded right behind them, a singed copy of "The Arcadian Ego-Booster" clutched tightly in his flaming hand. As Surt snooped around the Dining Car, the trained huffed and chuffed, and raced off at breakneck speed. Celeborn and Raela came to some seats and briefly fought over the one near the window. Celeborn won, and they sat down. Celeborn began madly snapping away at Things out his window, a true shutter enthusiast. "Look, what's that?" said Celeborn happily, firing off ten clicks in quick succession. "That is a Field," said Raela disgustedly, shooting him a dirty look. She abruptly grabbed the nose of the camera. "Stop doing that!" she shouted. Just then, the conductor went sailing through the air past them, screaming and on fire! "Oh!" said Raela, turning pale. "I fear that Surt is Near!" "What?" said Celeborn alertly. But it was no use. Surt came and sat down in the seat opposite of them. He smiled pleasantly, his newspaper smoking sporadically. "Celeborn? Raela?" he scorched. "I'm Surt. You're gonna hafta Answer for that Sea Cucumber!" " I didn't never, never hurt no Sea Cucumber!" shouted Raela, putting up her dukes defiantly. "Will you buy me new trousers!?" shouted an outraged Celeborn. "Buy you pants?" smiled Surt kindly. "Why no. Per, uh, Xena's instructions, first I will read my newspaper here, and then I shall swat you to death with it, old thing!" The quick-thinking Raela yanked the little cord, and they all went flying into the aisle. Raela seized a Martini from a prostrate alcoholic and dashed the extra-dry drink into Surt's face! "Halp!" yelped Surt, beginning to steam. "I, I'm turning into a giant Glittering Green Cockroach! I fear I shall eat Many People when I complete my Metamorphosis, by Kafka!" Celeborn and Raela dived out of the Train, and right into a waiting Briar Patch! "Blesh me, Meeshiz Raela!" groused Celeborn, yanking out Burrs. " But I deedn't know how as anythink Green grew in Arcadian! But if I hadda knoone, zish izh zhust what I would've expected. Zheezh shorns musht be a foot long by the feel of Zhem!" "Wish I'd worn a Male Gherkin," agreed Raela. "Come! Stop taking pictures of Briars, idiot! There's trouble afoot! They're taking the Hobbits to Isengod! If you really want to meet the Wonderful Messiah of Nauplis, we have to go to Graceland and see Elvis first. He'll tell us what to do! Now come. COME!" Celeborn waved his arm cheerfully and smiled. "OHHHH-TAY!" the Elf ejaculated.


"I say, old object," said Celeborn, as the Two Members of the Fellowship of the Nikon trudged down the Long and Winding Road wearily that very hot summer's day. "Tell me how this delightful place Arcadian began, won't you?" Raela looked back at him feverishly, her eyes glowing with a fey light, her face covered with grime. "Audhumbla the Cow ejected a Yogurt Clot, " she said briefly, and continued to plod on. They had survived on nothing but Coffee and Cigarettes for three days now, as well as the precious Lembas (or "way-bread" contained in the Elf's Star Trek lunch box. "I have a wife named Galadriel!" said Celeborn happily. Raela groaned and sank down onto a fallen dolmen. "Well, there go my plans for this evening," she cried bitterly. "I was heading for the Holiday Inn!" Celeborn sank down beside her and slipped Vilya, the Ring of Fire, from his finger. "Listen, Raela," he began diffidently, edging toward her. "Even though I am married, we can still....!" "Hark!" cried Raela, covering his mouth with her hand. "Here comes a cart! Maybe we can hitch a ride!" Soon a cart hauled by a bullock pulled up next to them, and a little fat man with a stupid goatee stared at them. His cart was filled with beautiful purple flowers. "Who you?" said inquisitive Celeborn. "I hight Nestor Knotts of Loyola, Chrysanthemum Dealer, as was my father before me!" said the man proudly. "Great, now can we get a lift?" said Raela brusquely. Soon the two were ensconced amidst sweet-smelling blooms in the back of the cart while Master Nestor sat up front, gaily trolling quaint Adam Ant Airs. "Don't drink, don't smoke!" warbled Nestor. "What do ya do ya do?" "Shaddap!" smiled Raela alluringly. "Where are you headed, my lad, with this S-load of flowers?" "Where Messiah at?" mumbled Celeborn. "I like Santy Claus!" He photo'ed a passing Dwarf, who flipped him off. "Guffaw!" laughed Celeborn. "I goeth to Graceland," said Nestor proudly. "I deliver these Mums to the King Hissel!" "O Rapture!" exclaimed Raela, her eyes glowing with darkling magick. "Mayhap this King can help us in our quest to find, uh, whatsisface!" "Yeah!" said Celeborn enthusiastically. "And maybe he can give Tin Man a Haht, too!" "But know this!" warned Nestor mysteriously. "I fear that the Creation of Loki is lurking about! Trouble is Afoot!" "What kind of a foot?" asked Celeborn distractedly, avidly snapping a shot of a passing Balrog, who stuck out his forked tongue at him rudely and mugged like a Ham. Eventually, the travellers thrain arrived in the courtyard and were kindly put up by the Bodyguard in the Stable. This they shared with Three Wise Men and a nice married couple from Nazareth. Raela nudged Celeborn and said: "Hey guy! Judging from the advanced state of the Mom, I think you're gonna meet Yeshua Superstar a lot sooner than you think!" And so it came to pass.

MEAN-WHOILL! Mograh, the Fashion Creation of Loki, was getting his hair permed at a salon in Pasadenian, one dimension down from Arcadian. The Hairdrezgul handed his customer a Mirror, its fell eyes glowing with supernatural light. Mograh gazed into the Mirror with pursed lips, and shrieked like a Banshee! "AH! Tsk!" the scion of Loki vogued, flinging his wrist around like Turin Turambar's broadsword. "Dear, I told you to make me look like the Divine Miss M, not like Maria Schneider! WRONG! You big silly! What will happen if Marlon leaves Wally Cox to pursue me? As if! Hmmmmmm?" But it was Loki, not Marlon Brando, who burst in at that moment. "Son, stop being a girl for a minute and come here!" he said angrily, dragging his protesting and shrieking proge out into the street. "Stop startling me, you Big!" hollered Mograh. "Pipe Down, sailor boy!" growled Loki, cuffing his son's new Perm. "Oh Tweedle!" swore Mograh. "Now listen, Lord Fauntleroy! You go down to Elvis' Stable immediately and Kill Moose and Squirrel, I mean, Celeborn and Raela! They're beginning to get on my nerves! Do it ... or else!" "Stultifying, Pops!" Mograh declaimed flamboyantly, languidly drawing the Pink Lipstick of Death. "Why can't you ever kill your own girlfriends, you savage? Tsk, no matter. It's killsie-willsie time! Foe-things, I shall Vamp you unto La Death! Beware!" He hopped on his Giant Poodle and dashed off. Back at the stable, the Three Kings were giving their gifts to the Newborn Child, as Celeborn and Raela gazed on reverently. The gifts were Gold, Frankenstein, and Myrrh. "Eek, what's that!?" screamed the Virgin, pointing with a trembling finger at Abby Normal, the green monstrosity. King Casper smiled proudly and said in a dark brown voice: "Heh-heh, Merry Christmas. They all outta incense at Walmart, but they had a special on ... uh ... whatever this is! Heh-heh. Ain't it nifty?" The Monster picked up the Child by the Swaddling Clothes and went: "Umm-umm, errrhhh?" "Leave him alone, putz!" shouted Joseph, snatching the Kid away. "Casper, get that thing out of here!" "Here's a twenny instead, " mumbled Casper, flinging the bill in the Virgin's face abashedly. The Ethiopian Monarch took Abby to one side and said: "Revolution to Ras! Look like they doan like you, son!" Frank tore his plastic hair and shouted: "Oh, whah do ah have to be a big ole ugly mean Tomcat anyways? Whah cain't I be a cute little Chipmonks like thems?" Just then, Mograh burst in waving his Lipstick brattily! "Hello Barbie and Ken!" he simpered menacingly, fluffing his perm with malice. "Hate to break up the Nativity scene here, darlings! Please don't give me anything contagious whilst I murdalize ya! Hey, Epiphany crew! Check out my new Turban, Christian Dior! Don't I look like an Anime?" Mograh swung about like a Model and tittered. "Say, I likes that turban, mm-MM!" said King Casper admiringly. "Frankie, you bwah! Fetch me yon headgear, pronto!" The shambling Monster obligingly tore Mograh's head off and put it in Casper's lap! "Oh, you big oaf!" screamed Mograh's head. "Come here and let me give you a love nip! I'll butterfly you to death with my eyelashes! You impossible Bitch!" "Aw, now what I'm gone do wit dis?" shouted Casper at the weeping, confused Monstah. "What wrong with you, boy?" But Raela and Celeborn weren't paying any attention, they were giving their gifts to the Sacred Child. "Here," said Raela, handing the Kid a round thing. "What is it?" asked Yeshuah. "A button fell off my jacket," Raela explained. "Good, I'll eat it!" smiled the Kid. Mary snatched it away indignantly. "And, and here's a used flashbulb!" said Celeborn earnestly. "Celeborn, you dope!" said Yeshuah angrily. "Don't tell me that's you! It is! What an awful surprise! What in My Name are you doing here!?" "Olorin, I just had to see your face again," explained the Elf. "Well, you've seen it!" sniffed the Kid. "Now get lost!" The Shepherds grabbed Celeborn and Raela roughly, and propelled them out the stable door. The Son of Galadhon blinked and said: "Time to go home now". "NO!" shouted Raela. "Listen!" Horrible yodeling sounds and gunfire were coming from within the Palace! "The King has turned into a thousand centipedes! We have to help him get to Tupelo somehow! He's trying to go live in Manhattan, in Tribeca!" "We'll help you!" shouted three mysterious figures, running up. "It's the other three Guardians!" shouted Nestor dramatically. "What a Byzantine twist!" "Yes!" cried Celeborn. "But ... how did this happen?" "Some say it was Loki!" said Raela darkly. "My money's on Jerry Lee Lewis!" said Nestor, even more darklier! "It matters not!" shouted Celeborn heroically. " Come, Fellowship of the Nikon! Watch me make like Legolas! It is time to save Elvis from Bugdom!" And with a mighty cry of valour, the Fellowship entered Graceland on their Rendesvous with Destiny! Now here's what happened Next ....

I'm fine with this situation. Thank you Amarië, and all of you other council members.

But I'd like to say something to Celeborn: I'd appreciate if, if you'd respect my characters, though this is your stuff now, but still, all I ask for is respect.

They're guardians, not some silly jon doe's.


It is because of the mercy and compassion of  that gentle heart of yours that your poetry and prose stand out and sweep us away. You truly have become a hero to me.

Celeborn, may you honor those characters and knock our socks off with what comes forth.  Am, as usual you would do the U N proudindecision