Thread: Ranewen's Inn
A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for a tooth extraction.... "$85 for an extraction sir" was the dentist's reply.
Och... huv ye no got anythin' cheaper" replies the Scotsman getting agitated. "But that's the normal charge for an extraction sir" said the dentist.
"What about if ye din't use any anesthetic?" asked the Scotsman hopefully.
"Well it's highly unusual sir, could be quite painful, but if that's what you want, I suppose I can do it for $70" said the dentist
"Hmmmm, what about if ye used one of yer dentist trainees and still without anesthetics" said the Scotsman.
"Well it's possible but they are only training and I can't guarantee their level of professionalism and it'll be a lot more painful. I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say $40! " said the dentist.
"Och... that's still a bit much, how about if ye make it a trainin' session and have yer student do the extraction and the other students watchin' and learnin" said the Scot sman hopefully.
"Hmmmmm, well OK it'll be good for the students I suppose, I'll charge you only $5 in that case" said the dentist.
"Now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal" said the Scotsman. "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife on Tuesday?"
A principle was having some problems with the Jr. High girls at her high school. When putting on their lipstick, they would blot their mouth's on the mirror, and make a horrible mess, which was very hard to clean off. She decided that she would take care of things before they got out of hand, so, one day she took the girls into the bathroom and began to lecture them." This mess that you have been making is very hard to clean up!" She then gestured for the custodian, who was present, to give a demonstration. The custodian took a long, bristled brush, dunked it into the toilet, and started scrubbing the mirror with it vigorously. From that day forward, all the mirrors stayed lipstick free.
From the dark corner of the Inn, a man clad in black with a hood stood up silently and walked without a sound to the bar and leaned over to Rane, uncovered his hood a little, and saidin a dark deep voice 'ive gotta joke for ya....... very relevant for.......your Inn, it goes something like this........
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"...........
The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles."................. The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served.......................... Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.............
"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have." ...............
The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?" ...............
The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar." ...............'
The mysterious man chuckled to himself and slowly taken off his hood, it was Loss!!!! Laughing he said 'heya Rane i thought id check out your new place. ow ya bin????'
'a girl named Patty Whack is working in a bank when a small frog comes up and asks for a loan.
she says she's not sure, but the frog insists it'll be OK, as his dad's Mick Jagger, and he owns the bank.
Patty decides she'd better get some sort of deposit for the loan, but when she asks, the frog produces a small pink elephant made of plastic. she decides she'd better go ask her boss about this.
she enters her boss's office and says,
"Sir, there's a frog out front wants a loan, says his dad's Mick Jagger. I asked for a deposit, but he only gave me this plastic elephant. what is this anyway!?"
and her boss looks at the elephant, then at Patty and says...
...wait for it, wait for it...
"It's a nick nack Patty Whack give the frog a loan, his old man's a rolling stone!"
hahaha!! come on, you're singing it admit it!!! '
Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies
-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.
And ill add one or two....
-Whenever there is a car chase through some populated area (or even unpopulated) there shall always be some men carrying a panel of glass accros the street. And some with chickens and watermelons!! (dont forget the tomatoes!!)
-in any situation with a bomb that will shortly go off, the heroes will always stop it exactly 1 second before total anihiliation
Your momma is so dirty that when i talked to her on the phone i got and ear infection
you know you play to many rpgs when you expect the guy at the counter of a 7 eleven and give him chocolet gold coins as currency then expect him to give you some for your bundle of logs.
This is a joke sent to me, which I sent to Grondy....
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?"
I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days." I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss said to her, " And where do you think you're going?"
(You're gonna love this..... )
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"=
Suddenly a translucent shadow rises through the floor...and solidifies. Ice gives a giant grin and sits down at the bar. "Tellin jokes, are we? Well, I've a got a good one!
This old priest is getting tired of hearing of people commiting adultery in confessions. One Sunday he makes an announcement, "If I hear of one more person commiting adultery here, I'm retiring!"
The people of the town decide to disguise their acts by saying they've 'fallen.'
Later, the old priest dies and a younger priest takes over. He comes to the mayor and says. "You should really fix the sidewalks in this town; you don't know how many people come in and tell me they've fallen down!" The mayor laughs and is about to let the priest in on the towns secret, when the priest says quickly, "I don't know why you're laughing! Your wife fell three last week!"
btw, do you hate blondes or summin im joking
okay heres another one.....
A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.
"I can't do that, officer."
"Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."
"Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."
"Alright, we could get a blood sample."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die."
"Fine then, just walk this white line."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Because I'm drunk."
do you hate blondes or summin
Noooooo I love blondes....At least you don't get the 'Essex Girl' jokes Loss (I live in Chelmsford, Essex - althought I was born in Portsmouth).
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a ***** on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"
ASSA COMMONS - Our Parliament Building.
ART ATTACK - Extremely perturbed, as in "Don't tell Sharon, She'll have an art attack."
ARST - Past tense of ask. "Jordan, I must've arst ya free fazzund times to clear up yer room."
BANNSA - A person employed to deny access or eject troublemakers at a club. "Dave's got izself a job as a bannsa."
BANTY - A chocolate and coconut snack bar.
BAVE - To wash oneself.
BOAF - The two. "Oi Dave, ooja fancy most, Sharon or Tracy?" "Boaf" is the reply.
BRANSATCH - Motor racing circuit in Kent.
CANCEL - Administrative body of a town. "Darren, wive ad annuvva letter from the cancel."
CANTAFIT - Fake, as in money.
CHOONA - An edible fish purchased in a tin and usually prepared with mayonnaise.
CORT A PANDA - A big hamburger (smaller than an arf panda)
DAN TO URF - Sensible, practical.
DANNING STREET - Where the Prime Minister lives.
DANSTEZ - On the ground floor , where the biggest telly is.
DREKKUN - Do you consider? as in "Which dog drekkun'll win the next race?"
EFTY - Considerable. "Ere, Trace, this credit card bill's a bit efty."
EJOG - A small, spiky animal (hedgehog).
ERZ - Belonging to her.
EVVY - A big geezer who protects a smaller and more intelligent geezer, usually for money. "My name's Frank and this is my evvy, Knuckles."
EYEBROW - Cultured, intellectual.
FANTIN - A jet of water for drinking or ornament.
FARVA - A posh way of saying Dad.
FATCHA - Margaret, British Prime Minister 1979 - 1990.
FINGY - A person or object whose name doesn't come to mind. "I ad it off wiv fingy last night."
FONG - Skimpy undergarment.
FOR CRYIN AT LAAD - Mild expletive showing annoyance or surprise. E.G. "For cryin at lad, Britney, if I say Yes will you give it a rest?"
GAWON - Go on. "Gawon Darren, eat ya granny's cabbage, it'll do yer good."
GIVE IT LARGE - To be thorough or enthusiastic.
GRAND - A football stadium. "It all wennoff atside the pub near the grand."
HAITCH - Letter of the alphabet between G and I.
IBEEFA - The Spanish holiday island.
IFFY - Dubious. "Ere, Trace, I fink this bread pudding you made last munf's a bit iffy."
INT - Indirect suggestion. " I gave Darren a sort of int that it was time to wash iz feet."
IPS - An unknown area of a woman's body to which chocolate travels. "That Mars Bar will go straight to me ips."
JA - Do you, did you. "Ja like me new airdo, Sharon."
JACKS - Five Pound note. "Lend us a jacks, wilya?"
JAFTA - Is it really necessary? "Oi mate, jafta keep doing that?"
KAF - Eating house open during the day.
KAFFY - A girl's name.
LAD - Noisy. "Jordan, turn that music dan, it's too lad."
LARJ - Enjoying oneself.
LEVVA - Material made from the skin of an animal.
LOTREE - Costs ’1 for a ticket.
MA BLARCH - An arch near Hyde Park.
MAFFS - The study of numbers.
MANOR - Local area.
MINGER - An unattractive person (usually woman).
NARRA - Lacking breadth, with little margin. "Mum wannid to come rand but changed er mind. That was a narra escape."
NARTAMEAN - Do you know what I mean? (sometimes used as janartamean).
NEEVA - Not one nor the other.
NES - National Elf Service.
OAF - A solemn declaration of truth or committment.
OLLADAY - Time taken away from home for rest and adventure.
ONNIST - Fair and just, without a lie. "I never did it, onnist."
OPPIT - Go away , as in "Oi you, oppit."
PADDA PUFF - Soft, lacking aggression. "They're alright up front but they got a padda puff defence."
PACIFIC - Specific.
PAFFUL - Having much power or strength.
PAIPA - Sun, Mirror etc.
PANS AN ANNSIS - Imperial weight system.
PLAMMANS - A pub lunch usually made up of cheese and bread.
QUALIDEE - Good, as in "West 'Am's new striker's qualidee."
RAND - A number of drinks purchased for a group.
RANDEER - Locally. "There ain't much call for it randeer."
REBAND - Period of recovery after rejection by a lover. "I couldn't 'elp it. I was on the reband from Craig."
ROOFLESS - Without compassion.
SAFF - A direction of the compass, opposite north.
SAFFEND - An Essex seaside town.
SAWTED - Done, arranged, resolved.
SEEVIN - Very angry. "I woz seevin when I urd wot 'e sed."
TALENT - Attractive members of the opposite sex. "Dave's gan dan tan to eye up the talent."
TAN ASS - A modern terraced house.
TOP EVVY - A woman of plentiful bosom. "Ere look at that, Darren, she's well top evvy."
UG - An unattractive person. "Sharon's new geezer's a bit of an ug."
UMP - Upset, as in Got the Ump.
VACHER - A document which can be exchanged for goods or services. "I got a vacher to get in cheap at Forp Park."
WANNED UP - Tense. "I'm all wanned up at the moment."
WAWAZUT? - I beg your pardon.
WENNOFF - A fight commenced as in "It all wennoff".
YAFTA - You must : "Even if yer guilty, yafta av mitigating circumstances."
YOOF OSTALL - A place where holidaymakers can stay the night.
ZAGGERATE - To suggest something is better or bigger than is true. "Craig, I must've told ya a fazzund times already." "Don't zaggerate, mum."
it taken me a long time to read it, how long did it take you to type it???