My comment: If you still have a choice, don't do it. If you instinctively, know that your parents wouldn't approve, follow those instincts; they gave them to you, trusting that you would make the right choice, when it comes to things like this. Also, staying within your own peer group until you are at least a couple years older, will pay dividends in the long run.

Note: I'm a grandfather who has been around the block, so I'm not just talking through my hat.

Great answers to both gnampi & Grondmaster
I would say follow your heart, but your heart is questioning you. So don't do it. Talking to your parents is a great idea. Be careful and enjoy life, don't jump into something you are not ready for. I would be more worried about what other things a 17 year old would be pressuring a 14 year old to do besides smoking. I would stay with guys my own age and talk to my mom at least.
I remember having crushes on guys older that smoked and were dark and mysterious. They are not always nice, and will treat you badly. I learned the hard way. I would hate to see you go through some of the things I did, because of some bad decisions. I was lucky I was able to change later, but my sister made worse mistakes than I did, and is still paying for them to this day.
Just be careful.

Hi Tigiel. Welcome to PT - it's great to see new faces around here.

I read your question and the replies (good ones, too, guys!), and I know it's a bit late, but I'd like to share with you what my mother told me when I was 13. Or something like that anyway...

Ungoliant's Mother's Advice for Teenage Girls
1) "I know it's hard to envision the future through raging hormones, but try to evaluate whether the steps that you take now will drastically affect or threaten your ambitions." (I wanted to be a world famous physicist then, so a baby at 14 didn't seem like a smart idea - and we weren't aware of AIDS back then)
2) "A woman who isn't financially and emotionally independant will be extremely vulnerable all throughout her life"
3) "Go read Virginia Woolf's 'A Room of One's Own' "
4) "Date as much as you want as long as you keep romance at an arm's length. Better still, just treat your boyfriends as friends."
5) "Go read Simone de Beauvior's 'A Woman Destroyed'"
6) "Then forget about the Battle of the Sexes - men are your friends, brothers, fathers and lovers, and they are as equally worthy of love, understanding, compassion and respect as any woman. And likewise, they are equally capable of mistakes, cruelty or pain"
7) "But be smart - never get romantically or emotionally attached to one until you've received your Bachelor's Degree from a [good] (my mother's personal requirement there) university."
8) "And don't even think of marriage until you're able to step back and honestly claim to have had a successful career.
9) "The notion of one true love per lifetime is bullsh*t - you can have as many as you want (preferably not all at the same time, of course)"
10) "And if you still feel like experimenting with sex at this age, approach it clinically and cynically. Enjoy it but before you do anything, please use a condom or ask me to put you on the pill."

It may seem outdated now, since I'm an old crone who's out of touch with the pressure that modern girls have nowadays to prove themselves & be accepted by their peers etc. But I can honestly say that I've (sort of) followed my mom's advice, and have had a good life thus far. I'm extremely successful at what I do, and can always fall back on my career should I ever need money. I married a wonderful, sensitive, caring, Faramir-like man at the age of 30 (but have met many equally wonderful ones along the way), and it the union has been blissful thus far - but I also know that I am financially, emotionally and psychologically alble to fend for myself should things go downhill.

So yeah. You'll have many more wonderful experiences as you get older, and meet many, many more men - some good, some bad. But enjoy the journey - and be smart!

[Edited on 23/8/2002 by Ungoliant]

Golly Golly! Your mom's quite a mom! That all seems like very wise advice. Financial independence is especially important. I can think of several women for whom this is an issue and a serious one. I can't imagine the feeling of being trapped in a bad realationship with no way out. It's funny, because it reminds me of a bit of advice that my own mother drilled into my head. In a nutshell, be smart and don't take on the responsibility of a family until your absolutely ready emotionally, spiritually, and financially. I know this to be true because I've seen what happens when someone is lacking in any one of these aspects and they jump into family life anyway. It ain't pretty! Some have said I'm too cautious and my relationships have suffered for it. But to me, it's simply being responsible. I just know I'm not ready for a family and all that comes with it.

Trust your instincts Tig, if it doesn't seem just right, it's not.

Tigiel, I am glad you did not go out with him.

Ungoliant, I wish I had had your mother a few years later. She sounds great. I really needed her. At 14 was very shy, quiet, and extremely shelterd. I was little Miss prim and proper goody 2 shoes. I had never dated a boy much less kissed one and only had a couple of friends. I was a very sick child and started coming out of it when I was 14. My mom was great while I was sick, she is a Florence Nightingale type that took great care of me. My experiences at that point all came from books. Later, we moved and I changed my entire life (the first time) . I was 17 when boys started noticing me. Of couuse I went for a guy that was 2 years older, had already graduated, was 6'1", amazing eyes that changed from blue, green, to grey, broad shoulders and long hair, Well ya'll don't want to know all of that ...... He eventually broke my heart. It was down hill from there for a while. I got in a lot of trouble because I made some really bad decisions. They were my fault no one elses. I wish I could blame someone, but I had a brain that I did not use and had to suffer the consequences. Then I met my wonderful husband. (And he helped me change my life yet again!!!) We have had some rough times but he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He is my knight in tarnished armour. I have an education, but no career. My choice to stay home with our son. But if I needed to I could get a decent job.

My sister on the other hand was not so lucky. She got pregnant at 15 had an abortion, again at 16 and another abortion. (Let's not get into a debate about abortions Please. !!!) Then she got pregnant again at 18. Her daughter was born on her 19th birthday. She had another child at 21 and then at 22. And she blames me for her getting pregnant. NO education not even a high school diploma (She did eventually get her GED, which is an exam that dropouts can take that is almost as good as a diploma.) I was very happy that she actually got that. She has job, in a field that she likes, but makes no money at it or very little and she and her three children live with my mom. My mom does everything for all 4 of them.

One small decision can change your life forever.
And Taz you are right some girls are worse than some boys.

[Edited on 23/8/2002 by MelliotSandybanks]

We smokers aren't so bad really. But then 17 year old blokes aren't so good either, I used to be one, and very much like all the bad apples described above. I have those blue/green/grey eyes, and the height, and I was truly horrible to many girlies back when I was a 17 year old smoking lad (had a lot worse habits than just smoking back then though). However, age gaps are nothing to worry about, if it feels good, do it. Life's too short to worry about the consequences sometimes. My girlfriend is 8 years older than me, and it makes not one jot of difference.

Plastic, you look just like some guys that I dated, before I met my husband. The eyes and the hair, oh my. lol Btw loved you website.


Val, not all men are pigs just most. Some are just toooooo nice, others just seem that way and then break your heart. I used to have a pic on a website somewhere, but it would be at least 5 yrs old, and i have no idea what the site was or if it still even exist.

I'll see if I can find it.

So true! I had this warning drilled into me when I was 14. I was so determined not to stuff up - no boyfriend, no teen discos, no smoking or drinking, no parties, few friends - in short, I had no fun. I ended up heading for a career that was just not for me, so I dropped out of uni in the second year of a Computing/Accounting degree. I got a job and then got married.

Six years later I am a single mother, living off benefits and with no career to return to. My biggest mistake? To let others frighten me about making mistakes! Mistakes are how we really learn - provided they dont affect your long term health or those of your families.

Teenagers need to have some fun, otherwise they could end up in a worse situation than if they had too much fun. We need to LIVE a little to find out who we are and what we want to do with our lives.

I am now 30, and just beginning to sort out my life and have the courage to persue what I really wanted in life.

However, having said all that, dont do anything you dont want to do, just because you feel that you should.

I really wish I had a career to turn to now, so that I could have pride in supporting myself.

Just remember guys will be there to stuff up your life all through it, no rush now....
But good luck to everyone here for finding the perfect girl/guy

Allyssa, be careful with these things!
I always said I wasn't going to marry someone younger than me and my husband always said he didn't want a blond girl.
Guess what! My husband is three years younger and I am blond!

Even the nicest men are scared off by the responsibility of children. ..

Not true, I'm fairly nice, and my gf has 2 kids, 9 and 10, doesn't scare me in the least.

Awww.. thanks Golly. Very kind.

We have all made mistakes. I have made both big and small ones, but the key is in the above quote. Make your mistakes, but learn from them, and never give up. All problems are fixable.

[Edited on 2/9/2002 by MelliotSandybanks]