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I think it's a bit weak and lame.. sorry
Big Smile Smilie

Don't be boring, Boring Wink Smilie
I thought it was cute. 'Anduril, Fastest Flame in the West' I couldn't the bar band cause I'm listening to Jesse Cook CD's = Rumba Flamenco World Beat Jazz Pop or some such genre.
Personality Test
lol. That was pretty funny...lookie, I found one too! Big Smile Smilie

Well, it made me laugh! :p

lol! They are both very good indeed. Though I thought Halo's one was a bit better.... Big Smile Smilie
Very funny indeed. I prefferred Golly's but then again, i would really wouldn't I?
Got another one. This is from a site that's pretty but a pain to navigate, so I'll just copy the darn thing. I give the credit to Dragon for finding it, though- he (she?) doesn't credit a writer. Oh well.

Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, payed me a visit. As we were talking I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows 95 on my PC, I told him how happy I was with this operating system and showed him the Windows 95 CD. Too my surprise he threw it into my micro-wave oven and turned on the oven. Instantly I got very upset, because the CD had become precious to me, but he said: 'Do not worry, it is unharmed.' After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said: 'Take a close look at it.' To my surprise the CD was quite cold to hold and it seemed to be heavier than before. At first I could not see anything, but on the inner edge of the central hole I saw a inscription, an inscription finer than anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth:


'I cannot understand the fiery letters,' I said. 'No but I can,' he said. 'The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says:'

One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them,
One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.
You should. They were both very funny, but Halo's one was better, still. More stupid, I guess... Smile Smilie
Halo's was hilarious!

Ungy: Why did I keep thinking Crina had eight legs? Big Smile Smilie[Edited on 9/1/2002 by Grondmaster]
Okay, sometimes this link works and sometimes it doesn't. If too many people can't get at it, let me know and I'll just post the whole thing.

LOTR meets Bridget Jones, "The Secret Diaries of Aragorn". Very cute. Here's a sample:

Day 30:
In Lothlorien. Think Galadriel was hitting on me. Saucy wench.

Nice chat with Boromir. He’s not so bad.
Took a shower. Yay!
But still not King.

[Edited on 19/1/2002 by Jehanne]
hehe...I liked this one
Very cute. Smile Smilie Slightly out-dated as it wasn't "The One" and Lord Willie still hasn't got it right. Maybe now that he is striving for security in lieu of additional knife blade attachments (so he says), his next "The One" will work more flawlessly. When he gets it right and were all hooked, then he can send one command and we will all be left in the dark. Big Smile Smilie

Very good! Hands up all those who have cracked versions of the Uncrackable XP!
Very good. The diary is good too. But Pman will not like the first day:
skinned a squirrel and ate it.
Big Smile Smilie
Oddly enough I did like it. Twasn't me so I don't care! Big Smile Smilie
This one veers wildly between funny and mean. It has some good lines though ("How about some monsters?") It reminded me of the Kevin Smith directs the Council of Elrond/ Michael Bay directs the Mines of Moria page. Oh, and language warning, kids.

[Edited on 21/1/2002 by Jehanne]
LOL, Jehanne
A bit harsh in places, loved the card game!!
That was fun, can we do it again? Big Smile Smilie
Okay, this one's a three part comic. The link to the next part is at the bottom of the page. Um... of course. Sorry. Smile Smilie Enjoy!

I missed the other diaries - but just got an e-mail about them. They're hilarious - I liked Boromir's Ultra-secret diary best. Although Legolas' was funny too. Big Smile Smilie

From Legolas:
Day Four:
Boromir so irritating. Why must he wear big shield like dinner plate all the time? Climbed up Caradhras but wimpy humans who cannot walk on snow insisted we climb back down.

Am definitely prettiest member of the Fellowship. Go me!

From Boromir:
Day 30:
Lothlorien. Galadriel quite a babe. Feel sure she was attracted to my rugged yet unwashed manliness. Legolas took a bath in her fountain. Got in trouble. Ha. Ha. Big elfy git. Am quite sure he dyes his hair. Also, he has spot on his nose. Aragorn suggested we take baths as well. Only realized in nick of time he did not mean with each other.

Stupid Aragorn.

Lol! Anymore of these around, Jehanne?
Well, it can be kind of difficult to get around the original site and not hit roadblocks, so here's a different site that has all of Cassie's "Secret Diaries", starting in order from the bottom of the page. My faves are Gandalf, Sauron and Day 14 of Gimli. And I'm actively hunting other funny links, so fingers crossed!

Thanks for the laughs Jehane. You have no idea how much I really needed that!

Also loved the photo of Elija in the black leather pants and transperent shirt...oooohhhh!!
Thanks for the link Jehanne. Unfortunately she's running out of characters but the existing diaries are great. Lets see, she hasn't done Galadriel or the Balrog yet. Smile Smilie

As always, the old Tolkien Sarcasm/Crackpot Theories page is funny too.

hmmm, the Balrog, I'd like to see that.

the Tolkien Sarcasm page is a classic! I like the lego scenes- so cute! Here's another old page, still funny:

and one of (probably) many drinking games...

I checked out Jehanne's link posted on 4/2/2002 at 05:09 and liked the Bertie and Wooster version. However, I especially liked the pseudo-Kipling version, rendered on the bones of Thomas Adkins, better known as "Tommy", the British grunt (enlisted man who does all the work and most of the dying, so his officers can claim all the glory) and who the public proclaims, only in times of crisis. Sad Smilie I've completed the chorus which was only hinted at on the Tolkien Sarcasm page from which it was lifted.

The Lord of the Rings by Rudyard Kipling

I went round to an elven inn, to buy a glass o' beer
The owner looked at me long-nosed, "We don't serve your kind here"
The elf maids giggled fit to die, pointing out my height
But I swim in booze whenever there is Evil in the Night.

Yes it's Gimli this and Gimli that
And go away you brute
But its To the Front, our faithful friend
When the bows begin to shoot--
When the bows begin to shoot, my boys,
When the bows begin to shoot,
O its To the Front, our faithful friend
When the bows begin to shoot.
These are all very good! Where on earth do you keep getting them from??? Big Smile Smilie The Internet must be a lot bigger than I thought! Big Smile Smilie
Haven't found anything new in a while (I'm looking). Here's one, though- LOTR meets Blackadder. Thanks to Jimcalagon for this:

And here's a fanfic script parody (I don't usually post funny fic since it's pretty easy to find, but I felt bad for the non-ficcers who'd miss this one) :

[Edited on 18/2/2002 by Jehanne]
Now that was funny. Gets a squirrel rating of 4 cuddly badgers.
I always thought of Sam as Baldrick, stupid, ugly and annoying.
Great one Jehanne! That brought joy to my little Sam-hating heart. Big Smile Smilie

Talking of Blackadder....I've always liked Hugh Laurie. Better than Atkinson, Fry etc. Btw who was Lord Flash?
The actor? That's Rik Mayall, isn't it?

Here's some other stuff- I was torn whether to post all four links or just the main page and let you find them, but I went the fussier route. Hit the main page though- just about every book/ postAuthorID we've mentioned (Frank Herbert, Terry Brooks, Piers Anthony, Robert Jordan, etc) is there.

The Book-a-Minute Summaries of The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings:

I couldn't agree more about the Two Towers! Big Smile Smilie
lol! I liked the summary for Calvino's Winter Night....

You think you're reading a summary of Italo Calvino's 'If on a Winter Night a traveller', but you're not.

Big Smile Smilie
This was funny! The summaries were so great! Esp. TTT! :grin
The Sam HETEROSEXUAL thing was lol too! Big Smile Smilie

I'm too sexy for my bow, too sexy for my bow
Bow's going to kill an orc

I'm too sexy for my cloak, too sexy for my cloak
So sexy it hurts
And I'm too sexy for Mirkwood, too sexy for Mirkwood
Rivendel and Mordor
And I'm too sexy for your party, too sexy for your party
No way I'm disco dancing

I'm an elf, you know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the catwalk
Yeah, on the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah
I do my little turn on the catwalk

I'm too sexy for my horse, too sexy for my horse
Too sexy by far
And I'm too sexy for my hair
Too sexy for my hair, what d'you think about that

I'm an elf, you know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the catwalk
Yeah, on the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah
I shake my little touche on the catwalk

I'm too sexy for my, too sexy for my, too sexy for my

'Cause I'm an elf, you know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the catwalk
Yeah, on the catwalk, yeah, on the catwalk, yeah
I shake my little touche on the catwalk

I'm too sexy for my tree, too sexy for my tree
Poor tree, poor tree and plants
I'm too sexy for my bow, too sexy for my bow
Bow's going to kill an orc

And I'm too sexy for this song
This was sent to me in an email (lotr humour coffee style)

Lord of the Coffee: Elrond's rules for Scabble - The Council of Elground in Rivendell Perk

Lord Elground speaks, "The coffee-ring! What shall we do with it, this pastry that Sour'on fancies? We cannot drink it, we cannot eat it! We cannot coat it in chocolate or even carob so that it will not stick in the throat and choke us. That is the purpose for which you are called hither. Called I say, though I have not called you to me; indeed, I tried to lock the door, but one of you brought an axe," and he bowed to Gelimli, who was sharpening that same axe while eyeing Legolatte's braided blonde tresses, muttering, 'Yeah, he'd look good in a Mohawk, methinks.'

"I did not call, yet here you are, and so we who sit here and none other, must now find counsel for the peril of the world."

"Whoa! Lighten-up, Elfdude!" spoke Boromocha. "You'd think the fate of the world rested on a little coffee-ring in the hands of a half-caff. I just came here to get the answer to a riddle."

Boromacha stood and spoke out: "Give me leave to speak of Gondaroma, Master Elground! Say not that our beans are stale, or that our ground is poor. Those in the West are full of praise for our deeds, but offer only little plates of cookies when we come to tea! We are the Filter of the East! What freedom and peace your people enjoy is purchased with our coffee!!

"But I did not come to Rivendell Perk to ask for tea and cake. The wisdom of Lord Elground is in beans, not confections. I have come to seek the unraveling of hard words. On the eve of our last fight, a dream came to my brother Faramocha; oft it came to him, until we cut back on his coffee-intake. And once, in a caffeine-haze it came to me, also: The Eastern sky grew dark, but in the West a pale light lingered. I heard a voice, remote but clear, and it seemed to say:

"Seek for the beans that were broken:
In Imladrip it brews.
There shall be counsels taken
In caffeine-induced muse.
There shall be shown a token
That doom is on the land,
For Isillydur's Bane shall waken
And the half-caff forth shall stand."

Boromocha continued his speech, "I also dreamed that I was going to school, but that I had forgotten all my clothes, and no one seemed to notice..."

"Enough!" announced Elground. "NescaFrodo, hold up the coffee-ring, and then Boromocha will understand the weird dream he has had, and maybe go back to where he came from soon."

In a trembling hand, the half-caff raised the coffee-ring before the eyes of the council.

In a stern voice, Gandgulp said, "Behold, Isillydur's Bane!"

After taking a long pull out of his coffeemug, which said on it in graceful elf-script: This Cup Of Coffee Just Saved Your Life, Lord Elground spoke again, " 'The fate of the world rests in the hands of a half-caff' So it does indeed, Boromocha." He turned quickly and withdrew a sliver of chalk from the sleeve of his robe, approached a large black board erected behind his raised chair, and made a mark next to his name. The score so far: Lord Elground=1, everyone else=0.

Boromocha's eyes glinted as he gazed at the Coffee-Ring. "The Half-caff!" he muttered. "Is then the doom of Minas Teabag come at last? But why should we seek for broken beans?" He reached out and took the coffee-ring from the half-caff, saying, "Hey, nice coffee-ring. Can I have it?"

"No!" NescaFrodo snatched it back from the big Man. "No more coffee for you, BoyScout number 2!" Lord Elground turned and made a mark next to NescaFrodo's name, and then another next to his own. There was murmuring among the dwarves, and the elves smirked.

Aromagorn stood, and he looked at Boromocha with the condescending glare he had learned from Elground himself. "The words of the riddle were not the doom of Minas Teabag, but doom and great deeds are at hand. The Beans That Were Broken shall be brewed again! I carry these beans, and have treasured them as have all the heirs of Isillydur before me, and I am the last of that product-line. Now that you have found what you have sought, what would you ask? Do you wish for the House of Blendil to return to the Land of Gondaroma?"

Boromocha looked into his empty coffee cup and said, "Not really, but I could use a refill."

Elground shook his noble head, making a cutting-off gesture at his neck to the wait-staff, then turned and made three marks next to Aromagorn's name, then four more marks next to his own.

The Dwarven posse cleared their throats, and one stood and said angrily, "Lord Elground! Why do you make marks after your own name when you have scored no points? What kind of Greenway Scrabble game is this?"

Elground of Imladrip, Lord of the Edainish, looked at Gelimli, son of Gloinchop, and said, "This is not Greenway Scrabble, but White Council Scrabble, and I make the rules! And also," he added, and his wise face was long and ageless and showed not a trace of his sarcasm, "I happen to be holding the chalk!" And he turned and gave himself two more scores, then added one to Gelimli. The Dwarf rose and bowed.

Boromocha looked angrily about then turned to NescaFrodo, who was holding his angelic face stiffly, trying not to laugh.

"And what do you mean by 'BoyScout number 2'? I am the bloody son of the Steward of Gondaroma, I am! And I can handle my coffee!"

Legolattte stood then, and retorted dryly, "Aye, but Aromagorn is the heir to the throne of Gondaroma, while you are merely the offspring of the hired help." Behind the proud back of Boromocha, the Prince of Smirkwood and the Heir of Isillydur exchanged a high-five. Elground noted five points for LtPoSmirkwood, one for Aromagorn, and three more for himself. Boromocha rolled his eyes.

Elground spoke then. "One of you must take this coffee-ring to Mordonut and cast it into the Cup of Doom... sit DOWN Boromocha! Okay, one of you who is not the son of the Steward of Gondaroma, must drink this bitter beverage. Any volunteers?"

One of the elves raised a shaking hand, and said in a sweet voice, "Lemme get this straight... we have to take a cursed coffee-ring hundreds and hundreds of leagues across horc and gobbling-infested lands with little or no help from any mighty Elves or powerful Men, sneak into Sour'on's land through jungles of boobytraps and sleepless hairy eyeballs while everyone and their sheepdog is looking for us, climb an active and erupting volcano and drop the coffee-ring into the boiling syrupy espresso in the mountain's core?"

Lord Elground regarded his manicure minutely and said, "Yes... that or appear for five consecutive nights in a row as co-host for Conan O'Brian."

"I will take the drink!" said Everyone, at the same time. A scuffle then broke out, started perhaps by Boromocha 'accidently' wedging Aromagorn's scabbard in the trestle-table beam, causing his trousers to rip when he leapt to his feet. Legolatte and Gelimli were arm-wrestling, and Gandgulp was draping his long grey robe over the 'No Smoking' sign, puffing happily on his pipe as he kept book on the bets the Elves and Dwarves were placing on the struggles. None heard the small voice that spoke, barely above the riot of the crowd.

"I will drink the coffee, but I do not like the flavour." NescaFrodo was ignored, for now Elground was busy smacking Boromocha over the head with a mithril yardstick, and the Dwarves and Elves were placing bets on whether or not Gelimli would be eating his beard or Legolatte wearing a hat through most of the adventure.

NescaFrodo sighed and placed the Coffee-Ring back around his neck and left quietly, unnoticed except for Sanka who was always a step behind him or before him, if he happened to be walking backwards.

He turned and laid a hand on his friend's shoulder. "Well, Sanka, this is it! The Adventure we have always wanted. I do not ask you to go with me!"

"You’re not goin' anywhere without me, Mr Coffee!"

NescaFrodo squeezed his friend's arm, grateful for his undying loyalty and unfailing courage. "But, Sanka; I am going to Mordonut!"

Sanka handed NescaFrodo a map and a compass, plus a half-eaten package of Elf-biscotti, and says, "Don't forget to take a left turn at Albuquerque!"

Grabbing Sanka around the neck, NescaFrodo volunteers his loyal and steadfast companion to accompany him on this deadly foray. Sanka shows his friendship and devotion by passing out in NescaFrodo's sleeper-hold.

And Elground chose him 7 other companions, all mighty warriors; a proud Elven Prince Legolatte, a mighty wizard Gandgulp, a stalwart Dwarven warrior Gelimli, two doughty Men, both skillful and strong Aromagorn and Boromocha, and because the Elves were running short of food and patience, NescaFrodo's two cousins, Merrymocha and Drippin.

And so the Adventure continues.....

Final Score of White Council Scrabble: Elground=11, LtPoSmirkwood=5, Aromagorn=4, Gelimli and NescaFrodo tied for last place with one point each.
Top 11 television Spinoffs from The Lord of the Rings

11. Mordor, She Wrote

10. Touched by a Balrog

9. The Oliphant Hunter

8. Two Fawlty Towers

7. Leave it to Smeagol

6. Stormcrow and Theoden King

5. Monty Python's Flying Gimli

4. Orc and Merry

3. Everybody Loves Bilbo

2. Who Wants to Be a Ringbearer?

1. Queer Eye for the Uruk Hai
’This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
Who’d pawn their own mother to grab it for themselves.
Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
The Power, alrighty, for doing their Own Thing.
If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
If found, send to (the postage is prepaid).’
I get soooo many of these things fwded to me. Here's a few


1. The Balrog would be a cute, harmless little mouse named Mickey
2. When Strider gets crowned king, he stands on top of a huge rock with all of the animals on the ground below, bowing before him.
3. Gandalf wouldn't have fallen into Moria (no Balrog, remember?)
4. Bill the pony can talk!!!!
5. The soundtrack would be made up of sing-along songs.
6. Arwen has a magic carpet.
7. Gimli would sing "Hi-ho, hi-ho..."
8. Frodo and Sam chase after a white rabbit, fall down a tunnel and land in Mordor.
9. The Oliphant would wear a funny yellow hat and be able to fly with the help of a magic feather (singing, "you can fly, you can fly, you can fly!!!")
10. Treebeard teaches the meaning of "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" to Merry and Pippin


1. Every time you step out of your house to go somewhere, you say to yourself "It's a dangerous business, going out your door...."
2. You tape down your ring finger and introduce yourself as "(Name) of the Nine Fingers".
3. You go searching for LotR fan art and nearly pop a blood vessel if you see someone that has drawn a hobbit with straight hair or, WITH SHOES.
4. You put on your favorite ring and run around the house playing tricks on people, believing they can't see you. (Note: This may also be a sign of genuine insanity. Consult with your doctor)
5. You are given a creative writing assignment for your class and your first thought is, "How can I work hobbits into this?"
6. You plan to name your first children Frodo, Merry, Sam and Pippin... who cars if it's a boy or a girl?
7. You dance down the street singing "Hey-dol! Merry-dol!" Etc. (I'll pay you if you do this down the streets of New York in broad daylight)
8. You stare at rivers and try to grab "tasssty fissssh" with your bare hands.
9. You scream the living tar out of yourself at people who believe Elves to be funny little fat people with pointed shoes and caps.
10. You dress as a hobbit for Halloween, and when you do, you go as far as to curl your hair and not shave your legs for weeks (if you're a girl).

Also, has some good stuff!
There once was a creature called Gollum
often wore loincloth coverin' his bottom
but today wears a kilt
and though not very skill'd
plays bagpipes, while Sam wants to throttle 'im

There was an ambitious lad named Peter
Who made the Lord of the Rings a Hollywood feature
In reworking the script
And omitting few bits
He diluted the book's magic by the litre.

Old Peter had some strange choice in casting
With Keanu Reeves doing most of the narrating.
The fans were enraged
And Tolkien near rose from the grave,
When Elvis provided the soundtrack to "Return of the King".

There once was a beast they called Balrog
Whose poop was the size of a bullfrog
He'd flap his RED WINGS
on a toilet of KINGS
It took legions of orcs just to unclog.

There once was a hobbit named Sam
Who ate nothing but taters and Spam
But Rose Cotton complained.
"What an odor!" She exlaimed.
So Sam switched to white bread and jam

fogot this one, one of my faves

Enthroned in his Heavenly dwelling,
An Oxford professor is yelling:
"These message board dorks
Are the spawn of the orcs!
A curse on their grammar and spelling!"


It has been reported that a Mr Peregrin Took and Mr Meriadoc Brandybuck, residents of the shire, were yesterday almost eaten by a large willow in the old forest. It seems that they were only rescued after their companions, Mr Frodo Baggins and Mr Sam Gamgee, appealed for help from Tom Bombadil, who owns a property next to the forest.
When asked to confirm this story, Mr Bombadil reponded, 'Hey dol, merry dol, Tom Bombadillo!' On further questioning all Mr Bombadil would say was 'Bright blue his jacket is, and his boots are yellow!' It subsequently took five shirrifs to escort Mr Bombadil to the lockholes where he is currently said to be ’sleeping it off.’ Neither Mr Took nor Mr Brandybuck were available for comment.

The authorities are currently searching for Boromir the barbarian, who is wanted in Rivendell and Rohan for disturbing the peace. At Rivendell, he is reported to have blown several loud blasts with his horn once each morning of his stay, and also at midnight. Elrond, suffering from an acute case of insomnia, rebuked him for this behaviour publicly. Boromir responded with a long-winded list of derogatory and even racist remarks, calling the elves of Rivendell "half-wits with funny ears" and referring to Gandalf (Elrond's guest) as "that grumpy old wizard" whose task it was to babysit "those stunted halflings."
Shortly afterward, Boromir eluded the furious elves and hurried south. At the falls of Rauros he blew his clarion once again. In distant Minas Tirith, Denethor, steward of the City, heard the call and surmised instantly that Boromir was once again returning to his realm.

Denethor's servants later found him dead in his chambers, apparently of shock.

Meanwhile, our sources report that Boromir has also been seen in Lothlorien, where he called Galadriel "witch, seductress, weaver of webs" and many other names not half so nice, and also at the footsteps of the Emyn Muil, where he was heard raving about a magic ring--apparently victim to a temporary onset of dementia.

We have heard no further reports.

Seven orcs have been murdered today in Fangorn forest. Reports from eye-witnesses indicate that the murders were committed by an unknown man or woman dressed in a phony tree costume. The authorities suppose that the perpetrator may be a member of the Laurelindorean Society for the Preservation of Old-Growth Forests (known to some as the Tree-Huggers Club), a member who has apparently taken exception to Isengard's ruthless environmental exploitation. When questioned about the incident, Saruman released this statement:
"These radical environmentalists will not be tolerated. Why should they be permitted to stand in the way of progress? A new age is dawning! A new era is at hand. The old things are weak, and not worth preserving, even if we could. I do intend to press charges against these tree-huggers."

On a final note, the following message was found scrawled in pine resin on the gates of Isengard early this morning: "Saruman, beware! We come, we come, with tramp of doom!"

Further reports will follow.
Orc With Thumbs Up Smilie
Thanks Sevrinn .
Yeah, theyr great!!! Thers a LOTR muse sitting next to that girl!! Elf With a Big Grin Smilie
Here Is a nice version of the "Aragorn" poem... It belongs to a play I wrote / am still in the process of writing (see my journal entry for a preview)

All that is dumb does not miss,
Not all those who think are smart.
The old that is senseless resists,
Deep stupidity is not reached by the thought.
From evidence a fire shall be woken,
An army to the shadows shall be sent.
Renewed shall be hate that was broken,
The brainless again be president.

I hope Master Grondy doesen't take that as Political... Look Around Smilie
Wel,l the line would have been more Tolkienesque as: 'The brainless again shall be king.' for democracies and presidents were not prevalent, in fact they were quite non-existent in Middle-earth.
True, but as it is, this is the poem for Aragorn of the United States of Gondor who will indeed be President...