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And then the Balrog...slowly came back to life (didn' yer muddah ever tell yer about da seven lives o Balrogs?)

Suddenly Pippin pops in, takes one look at the Balrog's ferocious looking feet and says, 'Oh, you poor thing!' Then he whips out his Elven pocket knife (1D2+3 against normal monsters, +6 against Balrogs) and proceeds to trim the Balrog's toenails.

The Balrog stood there so surprised that he was roarless and just grinned thinking up something diabolical to do to the little pipsqueak. Suddenly he flinched as he felt a pain in his heel.

'Oops! sorry,' said Pippin, 'I accidentally nicked you there.' and the Balrog slowly shriveled up into a two inch high not so scary monster. 'Let me see, I think Bilbo could use you for his pipe lighter.' he said as he scooped the miniature firestarter into his pack.

And then ...
there was a calamour of excitement as Galadriel started releasing more prisoners with her magical unlocking spell.

Towards the group of elves, hobbits and balrogs etc. walked a graceful elf. He was very old by elven standards, with dark wavy hair, big dark eyed and a bandaged hand. He was carrying a battered harp that may have been almost as old as himself. When he spoke, his voice was the most beautiful that any of the group had ever heard.

"I have been in there an awfully long time." he said "thank you ever so much for releasing me."

"Maglor!" squeeled Elrond and ran to embrace him.

"Well, well." Said Gandalf to Celeborn "We always wondered what happened to him."
"So," sang out Maglor in his ever melodious voice, "what's been happening on Middle-earth in the 6381 years, 147, days, 17 hours, 23 minutes, and 17 seconds--but who was counting--since I was unjustly locked-up as being a possible prime material witness to some alleged acts of violence, terror, and genocide?

Not much, replied Elrond in his all knowing dead-pan style, "just 'days like all days, filled with those events which alter and illuminate our time.'* If you have a couple minutes to spare, I can fill you in on the highlights."

"You do not know the danger, Maglor," interrupted Gandalf. "This loremaster will sit on the edge of ruin and discuss the pleasures of table, or the small doings of his father, grandfathers, and great-grandfathers, and remoter cousins to the ninth degree, if you encourage him with undue patience. Some other time would be more fitting for the history of Middle-earth."** In a whispered aside, he said to himself, "I really must remember that speech; it might come in handy again."

Maglor, having thus been warned of the longwinded propensity of Elrond's dissertations, came back with ...

(My apologies to *Walter Cronkite and **JRR Tolkien for the use of their wordings.) Very Big Grin Smilie
ROFLMAO Just had to say, that that is b****y brilliant Grondy. But I will leave the next reply open to give others a chance.
... a whole bunch of pink daisies.
"I will plant them here" he announced very seriously "This place is so sombre, it needs some flowers to make it more homelike!"
"Are you mad. Maglor?" exclaimed Galadriel "Who would like to live here? This place should be destroyed!"
"I will live here" said Maglor obstinately "I like it. I have never seen before such splendid dungeons. The acoustics are very good, I will be delighted to spend all my life here just playing on my harp and listening to all those wonderful echoes"
Gandalf looked surprised and scratched a bald piece of his forehead but said nothing. And then, suddenly...
Elrond jumped excitedly

"I will stay with you Maglor! And may our voices and harpings intertwine with perfect harmony!"

Maglor said nothing, but did not look altogether pleased.
"Oh Elrond, you can't do that!" chimed in Gandalf and Galadriel in unison.

"The elves at Rivendel need you; you can't dessert them," continued Galadriel.

"You have a duty to uphold;" pleaded Gandalf and concluded with, "all of Rivendel's people really love you and need your services".

"Oh alright." said Elrond slightly disappointed, "but I can still come and visit Maglor, can't I?"

"Elrond, you will be most welcome to visit here, on those few occasions when the folks at Rivendel can manage without your necessary services," Maglor responded with a sense of relief. "Why don't you try to work a visit into your busy schedule sometime next July, and be sure to bring along your mandolin so we can make music long into the night, and don't forget your infamous jokebook," he finished, smiling at Gandalf and Galadriel for saving his bacon.

Then ...
... Lady Sharon peeped in.
"Oh Maglor" she squeaked excitedly "So we will now live here together, just you and me? Oh how very very splendid!"
Maglor went really pale this time and swayed on his long legs.
"But..." whispered Galadriel, overawed "But you were supposed to stay in the Halls of Mandos!"
Lady Sharon blushed deeply and bowed her head, and then giggled in the most girslish manner
"Er... well... as you can see, I am back here! Isn't it really great?".
At that moment Aragorn...
...said "Excuse my ignorance, but who is Lady Sharon?"
Elrond, sensing another opening to show off his great genealogical knowledge, regained the podium with: "Lady Sharon is the third cousin twice removed to both Valedhelgwath and Allyssa by marriage, albeit their relationship to each other is tenuous as they each come from a separate branches of their respective families and there is that rumor of a bar sinister on one of those branches. Boring Smilie

Lady Sharon made her spurs in Dale having been married to one of the Lords of the Bardings just prior to his untimely demise. Later she made her way to Dol Amroth where she served there in the ruling household before insinuating herself into the aforesaid elven family. Shocked Smilie

Of course I may be thinking of a different Lady Sharon altogether; at my age I have met so many people that they tend to run together," he concluded ignoring the grimaces and wry smiles of his audience. Rolling Eyes Smilie
Allyssa pauses and trys to figure out her relationship to Val, but finally gives up in confusion.

"Shaz my dear," warbled Elrond with a surprisingly sexy smile, "How wonderful to see you again..."
at which point Elrond realized that 'warbling' is a particularly unattractive thing for a man to do, cleared his throat and continued on.

"How wonderful to see you again, darling, it's been ages..." Elrond attempted another sexy smile, but just came off sort of creepy.

"Oh hey yeah, it's 'bout that" Lady Sharon replied, not-so-discreetly brushing off Elrond.

Elrond, feeling somewhat nonplussed by this cold reaction...
Elrond, feeling somewhat nonplussed by this cold reaction decided it was time for a change in venue. "Hey I'm off to Northern Mirkwood. Anyone want to go spider hunting? Bilbo showed me his rock throwing technique and I want to test it out. Bilbo also told me, 'A little verbal abuse makes their veins standout and slows them down because they start hopping up and down instead of moving after him,' he added" Boring Smilie

"Just the thought of another spider makes me ill," Frodo replied as his complexion slowly turning pale. Dead Smilie

"Naw, you go ahead without me, Elrond," exclaimed Sam, "I've had enough spider for a lifetime." Wary Smilie

Glorfindal ruffled through is saddle bags and pulled out a foot long hollow cylinder, "I confiscated this from one of the apprentices, last week. Might as well see if I can still operate a pea shooter."

"I'm game," said Merry. Cool Smilie

"Me too," Pippin joined in. Jumping Flame Smilie

"Anybody else," queried Elrond? Question Smilie
"stop strangers where to you hearld from" the company looked round and before them stood an archer garbbed in green and with him ayonger archer garbbed in red and a dark shade of yellow.
"What do you think Oliver should we take them out??"
"No Connor lets see what there doing here first."
When no response was immediately forthcomming, Elrond gave the stranger a sharp prod with his pencil.

"Well? Who are you? And why are you here, even when the rest of us were summoned and you were not?" he asked.
'I am the Spirit Of the Past Christmas!'cried the shadow,and everybody turned towards him.'And i am here to take your head!'he added.He drawed his sword-and it gloomed pink when Jedis were around-and slowly approached the surprised group.
At that very moment, a huge white rabbit appeared in the shadow of an old gnarledash tree. His red eyes shone dimly in the twilight.
"Follow the White Rabbit!" he shouted and disappeared again in the shadows.
"No, follow the yellow brick road!" said Elrond angrily and...
"...may The Force be with you, and Live long and Prosper."

At that moment, another figure cloaked in dark robes appeared. Sweeping out a long sword it advanced on the pink light-sabre weilding shadow.

"Come,"the figure rasped, "To Mordor we will take you..."
"At last!' sighed Elrond with enormous relief "I an SOOO sick already of that confunded boring Mirkwood!".
And he ran forward and embraced the Nazgul and kissed him heartily on both stone-cold cheeks.
The Nazgul could not blush, but instead...
Asked where Harvey had got to...

(please god let somebody get this reference, if I say Jimmy Stewart will it help?)
And a thief in the shadows started to sing:

Oh where oh where has my six foot wabbit fwen gone,
Oh where oh where can he be?
With is ears cut long, and his tails a puff,
Oh where oh where can he be? Serching Smilie

Oh, he only comes out, when my bottle's been about,
And now its three-quarters empty,
So he'll soon show up, that's sure enough,
Ceptin', I'm the only one can see he. Disturbed Smilie

Silly Wabbit! Elf With a Big Grin Smilie
(And as I remember, the audience did catch a glimpse of Harvey at the very tail end of the film.)
phew... thanks grond!
'Here I am,' said Sam, emerging from the bushes.
'Scared of the little Nazgul, were you?' asked Elrond, somewhat mockingly.
'No, in fact I was just going for a wazz behind the bush, you don't get that much in books do you?'
"Who`s that lady behind there? Come on you can tell us." asked Gandalf after falling over laughing.

"Looks like Mirkwood may have a new princess. Oh and what did you throw behind that boulder?" Elrond chuckled.

"None of your business who that girl is and that`s our hiding place. Aule`s behind there as well. They`re hiding from Gimli and a strange person from the outside world, Ross. Big Laugh Smilie We used a mirror to see around the boulder withought our heads being seen. Okay I`ve explained it all, anything else that needs answering?"replied Legolas.

" I don`t know, let me check my big head." Elrond exclaimed. Big Laugh Smilie

[Edited on 30/3/2003 by Sheryl]
Doesn`t anyone want to add?
"And it is a big head that you have !!!" roared Gimil from a tree that he had climbed. And then he poured a barrel of water over Elrond."HA HA HA" roared Gimili.
"Why you little scallywag" laughed Elrond who was completey drenched. he then began to climb up the tree to catch Gimili.
"Oh no you don't" cried Gimili as he edged futher along the branch.
'Uh-oh, I can see trouble coming here,' said Legolas, 'there's no way that branch could hold Gimli. Maybe my slender physique, but not that fat tub of lard.'

Strangely enough, the branch didn't collapse, but he still managed to make a fool of himself by planting his butt square in a great bit pile of bird s**t, much to the amusment of Elrond, under whose weight the branch did snap, and he came crashing down to the ground.
Everyone started laughing bc they had made it worse by falling into horse poo! Silly idiots! I can bet everyone stayed away from them for the rest of that day, well till they got to a stream. Unfortunately, the stream turned a funny brown and white colour! Big Smile Smilie Big Laugh Smilie Yuck!!
Someone please add to this, I like this thread. Sad Smilie
Then Gimli got out his grubby looking, ripped rag, wipped his nose and threw it into the stream, to add flavour of course. Big Laugh Smilie

"You are truly disgusting! But enough of this silly stuff, A warm welcoming back home is growing in my mind, we can not linger we must move on..."exclaimed Legolas, who seemed to be a little 'LEGLESS' at the time..... Big Laugh Smilie
*So Legolas and company made their way home, but, they stumbled apon a magic Goblet! They knew not to touch it, but Gimli could not resist because of his liking of luxuries. Also Dimands and rubies! Of course! Wink Smilie *
But tht was most certanly the last thing Gimli should have done, for the minute he touched it (with both his hands) his hands were stuck to the goblet.

Gandalf then said: ,,Fool of a dwarf, it would suit you well to be left here, at least that would rid us of your stupidity"

,,I agree totally with Gandalf, however since we are supost to be the good guys we can’t do that" said Elrond
,,Can we?"

A very awkward silence
Elrond looked very surprised when Gandalf shouted and thought that the oldie was becoming senile and talked nonsense. Then he took a bun out of his pocket and started eating. Sam started drooling and vagged his newly outgrown tail like a little dog when he saw the bun. Frodo patted Sam's head and put his leash on to prevent him from running into the forest again. "Good Sam", Frodo said, "Good Sam. Here boy!" Frodo gave Sam a bone and then the company continued walking.
Galadriel, in a moment of weakness, pleaded to the rest of the company that they would stop and help Gimli.
Aragorn, who had remained silent a very long time and hadn't even tried to show off his manlyness in an extremly long time (10 minutes) took a liane and swinged himself over to Gimli, shouting: "OOOOOOIIIIIOOOOOIIIIOOOOOHH!!!".
He landed, very elegantly, in a bush of nettles and sprung up, holding his hands in his behind, screaming like a little girl: "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!! IT BURNS, IT BUUUURNS!!" Pippin and Merry laughed so hard at Aragorn's spectacle they fell over and into the yucky little stream.
Aragorn cried and went to Galadriel for comfort and plasters.
Sam, who now had developed long, furry ears and ran on all four, jumped around, got himself loose from the leash and ran over to Gimli. Gimli, afraid of all hobbits similar to dogs, fell over backwards and got rid of the sticky goblet, which later turned out to be nothing but a lollipop, which Sam more than happily ate.

Aah, they were on their way again and everybody had become quite tired and Aragorn kept complaining about his behind. All of a sudden an arrow came trhough the woods and nailed Elrond's expensive-but-not-very-right-in-fashion-jacket stuck to a tree...
Aragorn stepped forward:
"Look, guys, I'm in a really cranky mood today, ok? We've walked for hours and I just sat in a bush of nettles and these guys just won't stop laughing at me..." The company starts to giggle when they remember the sight of Aragorn in the nettles "STOP THAT!!" Aragorn shouted. "Ahem, anyway, I don't have the time or the energy for your silliness, Oliver and Connor. If you don't leave us alone now, I will have to show off my great manlyness."
The rest of the company is rolling on the ground laughing when Aragorn says this and Oliver and Connor looks very confused.
"We still want to know what you're doing here" Connor said.
No answer.

I’ll count to three and if you haven’t answerd when I get to three I will wait a little longer, but just a little, and if you haven’t answerd then, I will blast you to oblivion Ha, ha ,ha ha.

Oliver have you been taking your pills? Sayd Connor

Oliver ignored that remark and started counting: one.........two.........thr! NO wait said Frodo, I’ll tell you what we are doing here.

Like hell you will sayd Legolas and shot Frodo in the shoulder.

You idiot, why did you shoot Frodo but not them?? Sayd Elrond.

Ooh, wright, sorry Frodo Legolas sayd in an sorry voice and started crying. After 5 minutes or soh he noticed everybody was looking at him. He was embaressed and decided to make them think about something else, soh he killed Connor and Oliverwith his bare hands.

You know, said Gimli, sometimes you freak me out

[Edited on 10/5/2003 by pesi]

[Edited on 10/5/2003 by pesi]
"Sorry but I've been dead already "said Ollie as he sat up "and Connor ain't going nowhere" as the two rose up and shot a bevvy of arrows at the group.
"Dag nam it shouted Aragorn he ripped my bloomers.
"Be quiet you big sissy" shoutewd Frodo
Then from the shadows dropped down a caped figure.
"Need some help Oliver"
"The more the merry we have quiet the little band here Bruce."
Legolas grew mad at being called a sissy all the time so he got his bow and severall arrows, fired them and hit the enemies, they flew off after that because they had grew so frightened of Legolas. After they had fled, Legolas` companions all crowded round him and gave him the hero`s cheer...When suddenly...
Old Legolamb tripped over a rock and went flying, looking a total fool. When the others gathered rouynd him and helped him up, he was crying (like a sissy).

--Sorry Sheryl, I just had to do that--
OFF TOPIC: That`s okayPeredhil, you said Legolamb, not Legolas! Wink Smilie so it doesn`t bother, but anyway, it`s only a story, no need to apologise.
Suddenly, Lurtz lept out from behine a nearby shrubery and attempted to eat Legolas. Unfortunatly Legolas has a canaster of pepper spray and promptly aimed for Lurtz's eyes. The big uruk-hai staggered backwards and fell off a nearby cliff behine the nearby shrubery. Even as he plummeted to his certan doom he could still be heard yelling "Aiiieee! My eyes! It burns, it burns like hygene!"
Suddenly, SARUMAN lept out from behind a rock!!
"ALRIGHT Just STOP IT!" yelled Gandalf. "I'm sick and tired of all those people suddenly jumping up in our faces from a shrubbery or a rock or from behind a tree. Now let's just move on." The poor Saruman was stunned as he thought he was going to frighten and surprise the fellowhip. As Gandalf walked past him he nudged Saruman who fell over the same cliff and right on top of Lurtz! What do you know, some people are lucky.

Anyway, The Fellowship had many other adventures there in the forest that they had unknowingly walked straight into, but since I'm sick and tired of not getting anywhere, you won't hear about them.
They finally got out of the forest and into a great field. They saw birds circulating in the sky and then fifteen great eagles with golden chains around their neck landed just infront of Gandalf's feet.
From the shadows...." a shurbbery did he ne ne...we must find this one who speaks of the shurbberys cause ours is all worn down and we need a new we dont, yes we do, no we don...we do and thats thats.
"Oh no!" Gandalf cried. "The Eagles of Many Colours and of None! Remember, the Enemy has many spies: birds, beasts...even Eagles."
And Frodo said, "Who is this Enemy you hath spoken of, Gonedaft?"
Suddenly a low voice murmered:
"The Enemy is an Elven-prince
Of him the harpers sadly sing:
the first whose realm was vain and whiny
and full of hair-products, oh so shiny"
The others stopped in amazement, for the voice was Sam's.
"By Eru, what doest thou here!?" shouted the Wizard.
"Sam!" Frodo cried, and raced to his side.
Everyone shook their heads.
"Well, er...great to have you back, Sam!" said Elrond.
"Sam's riddle, what does it mean by "The Enemy is an Elven-prince?"
"Well, Sam?" asked Galadriel.
"We knows!" said a voice in the shadows. "But we will not tell it to the one who stole our shrubbery. Thief! Baggins! We hates you forever. It's ours! Mine! My, no! Our...precious. Give us the Precious!
It was Gollum/Sm’agol.
"What's he doing here?" asked Pippin.
"Fool of a Took!" said Gandalf.
Aragorn said,"Ah! so u know bout our little footpad, do you? He's been following us since Rivendell."
"Wait a second!" cried Frodo. "That riddle sounds awfully like Legolas here."
The entire company turned and stared at the Elven prince from Mirkwood.
"You, Legolas?" said Saruman, who had climbed up the cliff.
Then the Enemy was aware of them, and his elven-Eye piercing all shadows looked across the clearing to Frodo; and the magnitude of his own folly was revealed to him in a blinding flash.
Legolas quickly drew his white dagger, ran to the cliff, and jumped off. One of the fifteen Eagles hovering there cught him on his back. "Quickly, Gwaihir!" he cried. "Do not let me fall" he gasped, for he felt life in him. "Bear me to Barad-d’r!"
"I've never heard of Barad-d’r before," said Sam again, wagging his doggy tail.
Suddenly Gollum...
...took off his mask and costume and showed that he was acctually one of "The knights who just until recently said Ni! but are now saying Eeka-eeka-eeka-eeka-FDANG!"

PJ steps into the scene yelling: "CUUUUT!! CUT CUT CUT!!! Ok, WHO came up with the idiotic idea to bring in old Monty Python jokes in this? I've TOLD YOU guys: I DID NOT direct Monty Python (but oh dear I whish I had) I made 'Meet The Feebles'. If you are going to put in ANYTHING from another movie, put in MY movies! They need all the promotion they can get. Ok, carry on guys."

"Well, Sam", Gandalf said, "You see, Barad-d’r is the enemies place, that's were we're heading."
"YIKES! We're heading to the enemies place???" Sam put his tail between his legs. "I don't want to go there! I'll die! Again! And again! And probably a third time too!"
"And a fourth time three", said Elrond. "OUCH! Galadriel, why are you stepping on my foot?" he cried and Galadriel whistled and looked suspiciously innocent.
"Yeah Sam, but if you go there, I'll give you a treat!" Frodo tried. "Here boy!" Sam jumped over to Frodo. "Goood boy, Sam, goood boy!"
"Er.. hello? People? We've got an elf and an ex-friendly eagle on the run here", Pippin yelled and waved with his arms to get attention.
Have no fear I will catch them anbd out stepped Elrond with some wings made from sellotape and bubble wrap.
And with that he proceeded to run up a hill and jumped he actually fleew for about 2 seconds then he fell into a shoe which had been left by some dark roguish stranger
Elrond tripped and fell, rolling back down the hill, landing battered and bruised at the Grey Wizard's feet.
Then, Frodo watched in disgust as Sam...

Walked up to Elrond and fauningly said, "Golly Gee Whiz Fish! Mister Elrond, that sure was grand. Could I have your autograph? An I'd like ta ask ya t' do it again, but we's all out a bubble wrap."
A minute later, Gandalf shouted, "I've got it!" and stood up quickly from the moss-encrusted boulder he had been resting upon. His blue hat fell off in all the commotion, and he made a mad grab for it in vain; the hat came to rest on Sam's head, completely dwarfing him and covering him in shadow.
"You've got what?" asked Samwise, struggling to be freed from his ... prison. "A bruise on your noggin?"
"No, Fool of a Gamgee!" replied the wizard. "An answer to why this plotline has become so screwed up. It must me a film by Ralph Bakshi, since he was so hopelessly naive to details that he couldnt even get Celeborn's name right!"
"It doesn't feel like we're in a movie," Frodo said cautiously.
"How would you know?" Gandalf spake. "Have you ever had a dream so real that you were unable to tell the dream-world from the real world? What if you were unable to wake up? How would you know where you were? Consider this movie-world to be a dream-world."
Pippin shut his ears, saying "I'd rather be in a book."
Frodo says, "Hold on! Now this sounds like a Wachowski brothers movie! We've got Gonedaft as Morpheus...And I'm Neo (his smaller version). Look, there's Agent Smi-, oh, sorry, its just you, Elrond."
"Well, it's hard to tell them apart, since they're both played by Hugo Weaving in the movies." Gandalf said.
"Anyway," Gandalf said, "I remembered that those eagles are the fifteen Chieftains of the Eagle-lords, and they're good. So how can they be evil-acting? We must be in a movie." He calls for Legolamb to come back, and not to follow the script. The Elf sheepishly returns.
"But if that is true, Mithrandir" says Leggy, "whose movie are we in? It sounds like a movie by both Bakshi and the Wachowskis."
"I know!" said Merry, who had been following them for a while without saying a word. "It sounds exactly like a Peter Jackson movie! The low-budget, philosophy-enriched style, complete with a lack of attention for details sounds like our Kiwi friend!"
"Ah!" said Gandalf. "You have solved the riddle! Now let us enter the Mines of Moria."
The Fellowship looked at each other in disbelief, each silently saying to himself, what's he talking about??
"Oh! Sorry, wrong movie." amended Gandalf hastily. "Well, now that we know we're in a movie, let us be off! We must go to the TRUE Dark Tower, the place where the scripts and cameras are, stealthily recording our every action. To Wellington!"
The Company agreed, and went on the march to New Zealand (which happens to not exist yet in ME, but PJ doesnt concern himself with such details Smile Smilie ), singing a song, deep and low:
To Wellington! Though Wellington be ringed and barred with doors of stone;
Though Wellington be strong and hard, as cold as stone and bare as bone,
We go, we go, we go to war, to hew the stone and break the door;
For bole and bough are burning now, the furnace roars - we go to war!
To land of gloom with tramp of doom, with roll of drum, we come, we come;
To Wellington with doom we come!
With doom we come, with doom we come!
Disclaimer I have nothing against Peter Jackson, the Wachoski brothers, or Ralph Bakshi, or Wellington and its inhabitants, or the country of New Zealand. I actually tremendously enjoyed PJ's version of the movies, and I used a sense of parody and bias in the opposite sense because I have noticed that members on this site (not all, mind you!) have a tendency to not like PJ's LotR movies. Therefore I biased my P-O-V to include theirs, hoping to spruce up the story a little and hopefully make it easier for others to add to the ever-growing story. Big Smile Smilie

[Edited on 8/7/2003 by Arcormacolind’va]
Sayeth the Pippin, "Hey, there's a body of water, lets dam it up and flood the blighters out of their Dark Tower."

"Don't be stupid, you Fool of a Took," replied Merry, "this is an island and you can't dam up an ocean, especially one as big as the Specific; and even if you could, we'd all drown ever afore the water reached those guys in up the TRUE Dark Tower, what's currently locating in Wellington."
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