Great story Orimono. It would be even better if you "fleshed it out" a little. More detail, ie: smells, sounds (chanting or singing maybe) and sensations (cold, hot). Stretch it out a bit more...make the reader sweat.

I am guessing from your nick, that English is not your first language? There are a few small issues of grammar, but they are not by any means serious. Just need a little more care

"I heard the Druids mourning strange words..." um, mourning should be murmuring?

"As still blindfolded and saw no danger" I was a little confused here...blindfolded means literally with a cloth over his face. Was he actually blindfolded or did you mean "blind to the signs of danger"?

The idea is great though. I would like to see you develop it further.

I like your story concept very much; the surprise ending is great--like from the 'Twilight Zone'. However, I too feel it needs a few more rewrites, especially before being submitted to a magazine.

One thing that I wondered about was the use of capitol letters in abnormal situations. Were they being used for emphasis? If so, I think descriptive adjectives and adverbs would better serve the purpose, as well as help to flesh out the story. Of course I am no writing, expert having no formal training. I am merely a reader of fantasy.

Work with Allyssa and the Guild and you should be able to whip it into shape.

well that story isnt one of my best...

Good story Orimono_Shujin. I love it when I don't see the ending coming! If you don't mind having your work edited, Allyssa is a very good editor.


Even if the capitalized letters are used for emphasis I don't think it works well as most readers would not recognize it as such. Italics would work better.
Excellant short story, I look forward to reading more of your work.

THE MAG IS CALLED BLACK OCTOBER. I willpost some more stories up in another topic. For some more of MY (Don't Plagerize!) stories Go To www.fortheloveofwriting.com And look for posts by Orimono_Shujin! Peace!