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Thread: Jokes!

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Well, here's an other one in favour of the blonds.
It comes from a newspaper article that is going around at work. It was written in Dutch, but I tried to translate it.

A blond enters a bank in the centre of Amsterdam and asks for a loan. She wants to go on a business trip to the United States for two weeks and needs 4000 $. The bank employee tells her the bank will need a pledge for the loan. The blond girl hands over the keys of a brand new Rolls Royce, parked in front of the bank. They check the identity of the blond girl and as everything corresponds the bank accepts the Rolls as a pledge. When she’s gone, the manager and the employee are having a lot of fun over the fact someone gives a 210 000 $ car as a pledge for a 4000 $ loan. ’A typical thing for a blond’ they are joking. One of the employees parks the car in the garage of the bank. After two weeks the blond returns and pays back the loan with a rent of 19 $. The employee friendly greets her and tells her it was a pleasure doing business with her. But he admits she caused some confusion, because when they checked her, she appeared to be a multimillionaire. Why did she loan 4000 $ from the bank when she had more than enough money of her own? The blond smiles at him and says: Where else in Amsterdam could I park my car for only 19 $ .
Got a giggle out of this:
LOL! Good one, Gnampie, never heard that one before. Yours were good too Plastic, and I'll pretend not to be offended by them. Big Smile Smilie From now on I consider my hair colour to be black, not brown. Animated Wink Smilie

Alyssa: that photo is a laugh. Though I'm quite sure I've seen it before, I still had a good laugh! Very Big Grin Smilie
Okay, very funny, terribly PC as well...

Many years agao, a Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg was stranded late one night
at a fashionable resort on Cape Cod --one that did not admit Jews.

The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is

The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies."
The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit
Now if you will try the other side of town..."

Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said, "I'll have you know, I converted
to your religion."
The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test.

How was Jesus born?"
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town
called Bethlehem."

"Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."
"That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?"

Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel
wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"
Very Big Grin Smilie

Okay, here are some which are counting as my COMP303 study for today.....

Q: How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day?
A: Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."

"Have you heard about the object-oriented way to become wealthy?"

Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting "F1 F1" and nobody understood it.

Q: Why do all Pascal programmers ask to live in Atlantis?
A: Because it is below C level.
Okay, here's a couple that balance each other out nicely...

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all
these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man', Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego
and an inability
to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time.
But, he'll be bigger and
faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking
a ball about and
hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick.
But, you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

And as revenge for that crack...

Rules Guys wished Girls knew...

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.
Don't cut your hair. Ever.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find
the perfect present!
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't
want to hear.
Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the postThreadIDes. Let it
Shopping is NOT a sport.
Anything you wear is fine. Really.
Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and your dad's way past
Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
Peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're
bound to miss sometimes.
Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz in Cosmo together.
Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments
become null and void after 7 days.
If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like
soap opera guys.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you
sad and angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - but not
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about
having their boobs stared at.
Consider golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were
going out.
ROFL! Very Big Grin Smilie
Okay, non PC joke......

You know you are a redneck Jedi when:

Your Jedi robe is camouflage color.
You use your lightsaber to open your bottle of Bud.
There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.
You use your lightsaber to pick your teeth.
At least one section of your X-Wing is bondo colored.
You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.
You can't describe the taste of an Ewok without using the word chicken.
You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.
A peaceful meditation is one without gas.
You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE force.
You have an X-wing up on blocks in your front yard.
You lost a hand during a lightsaber fight because you stopped to spit.
You think the worst part about spending time on Dagobah is the "dadgum skeeters."
Wookies are offended by your B.O.
You use the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
Your father said to you, "Shoot, Son, com'on over tuh the dark side, it'll be a hoot."
You use your R2D2 unit's self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue to light.
The moonshine still you built on Endor is hidden so well even the Ewoks can't find it.
You have a stuffed womp rat over your fireplace.
I loved 'em 42. Ha Ha Ha Smilie

And as far as the Squirrel's last two, what's so funny about truisms? Very Big Grin Smilie
A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.
Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?

Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.

Interviewer: How did you get that hook?

Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.

Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?

Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye.

Interviewer: And that put your eye out?

Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.
Chortle! Very Big Grin Smilie

This reminds me of another joke I heard about Vikings:

Three guys are applying for a job as a Viking. They have to go and meet the boss of the ship on which they will leave if they're taken. First one goes in, and comes out after about 10 minutes. "Man, they're crazy in there!" he says to the other two. Second one goes in, a little nervous now. After about 15 minutes he comes out again too. "Nutcases!" he mutters. The third one goes in next. The boss asks him various questions, and then he says: "I only have one question left for you. I only hire men with great courage, so I need to know this one thing: are you prepared to brush your teeth every day?"
Very Big Grin Smilie

The differences between work and prison.......

IN PRISON you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON you get three meals a day.
AT WORK you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON you get your own toilet.
AT WORK you have to share.

IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required
AT WORK you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK they are called managers
ROFLMAO! Good ones 42!

okay, a couple from the pub last night for you...

A scientist had been keeping a secret for over two decades --
he had sucessfully cloned a human being.

He kept meticulous records, raising the clone-child in his laboratory until it
was an adult.
Then he made his plans to unveil his creation at a meeting of top scientists,
held in the luxurious facilities of a high-rise hotel.

When the time for his presentation came, the scientist stepped to the podium.
He presented his data -- his pictures, his charts, his graphs -- to an amazed
But suddenly, instead of waiting for his cue to come forward, the clone stood up
he'd been sitting, and started shouting at the scientists assembled there.

This clone was an imaginative clone. He used language that would make a sailor
accusing his creator and all of his colleagues of the most amazing feats of
perversion and vice.

Trying to regain control, the scientist ushered the clone out of the room and up
to the roof of the hotel,
where he hoped the clone's shouts would go unheard.

The clone would not listen to reason. He attacked the scientist's parentage, his
sister, his mother...

Finally, the scientist snapped. He could bear it no longer.
He rushed forward and with a mighty shove, pushed his creation off the roof of
the hotel.

The police arrived promptly and arrested the scientist for (drum roll please) -
"making an obscene clone fall."

and then this one...

A cowboy was captured by a group of Indians who were fed up of the white man nicking their land. They took him into a teepee and tied him up, explaining to him that he would be held for 3 days, and on the third night he would be executed. But each night, when the moon rises, he would get to make a request, and they would do their best to grant it.
So the first night comes, and he asks if he can talk to his horse. The indians duly agree, and he whispers something in his horses ear, and it runs off into the night.
An hour or so later, it comes back with a beautiful blonde on it's back, and she goes into the teepee with the cowboy. "Typical white man" say the indians, "thinking with d***".
The second night comes, and once again, the cowboy asks to speak with his horse, whispers in it's ear, and a few hours later it returns with a gorgeous brunette atop its back and the Indians continue their low opinion of the guy.
Then the third night comes, they explain to him that he will be executed after this last request, and once again, sure as eggs is eggs, he wants to talk to his horse. So they go and get his horse for him, and he holds it very firmly by the ears and shouts at it...
ROFL! Very Big Grin Smilie

42: love your signature! Big Smile Smilie

Silly joke:
Where do hamsters go on holiday?
According to a cab driver I recently read about, both 42 and Plastic Squirrel must be from Australia, because they both have Australian accents. Very Big Grin Smilie

(Okay, so it is an inside joke and until one reads Douglas Adams's Salmon of Doubt they won't have any idea why I thought it was funny, so what else is new? Tongue Smilie Smile Smilie
Tongue Smilie

From the Society Against Acronyms(SAA).....

CIA - Computer Industry Acronyms
CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
SCSI: System Can't See It
MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
DOS: Defunct Operating System
WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too
PnP: Plug and Pray
APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
IBM: I Blame Microsoft
DEC: Do Expect Cuts
MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
CA: Constant Acquisitions
COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
LISP: Lots of Insipid and Stupid Parentheses
MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
AAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse.
WYSIWYMGIYRRLAAGW: What You See Is What You Might Get If You're Really Really Lucky And All Goes Well.
According to a cab driver I recently read about, both 42 and Plastic Squirrel must be from Australia, because they both have Australian accents. Very Big Grin Smilie

(Okay, so it is an inside joke and until one reads Douglas Adams's Salmon of Doubt they won't have any idea why I thought it was funny, so what else is new? Tongue Smilie Smile Smilie

Can you please explain Grondy? I am curious, because I am fairly certain that I really do have an Australian accent. Just my posts have an Australian accent then?
Two statues stood in a city park: one female and the other male. These statues faced each other for many years.
Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.

After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.

Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"
Very Big Grin Smilie

Some guy things (go girls!): :P

If guys had their periods, they'd compare the size of their tampons.

Mental anxiety, menopause, mental breakdown. Did you ever notice how all problems begin with MEN?

Guys are like parking spots. The best ones are always taken, and the ones that are left are either only for handicapped or too far away.
Sorry to any Mathematicians....

One day a mathematician decides that he is sick of math. So, he walks down to the fire department and announces that he wants to become a fireman.
The fire chief says, "Well, you look like a good guy. I'd be glad to hire you, but first I have to give you a little test."

The firechief takes the mathematcian to the alley behind the fire department which contains a dumpster, a spicket, and a hose. The chief then says, "OK, you're walking in the alley and you see the dumpster here is on fire. What do you do?"
The mathematician replies, "Well, I hook up the hose to the spicket, turn the water on, and put out the fire."

The chief says, "That's great... perfect. Now I have to ask you just one more question. What do you do if you're walking down the alley and you see the dumpster is not on fire?"
The mathematician puzzles over the question for awhile and he finally says, "I light the dumpster on fire."
The chief yells, "What? That's horrible! Why would you light the dumpster on fire?"
The mathematician replies, "Well, that way I reduce the problem to one I've already solved."
Very Big Grin Smilie
What do you call the process when a blonde dyes her hair brown.
Artificial Intelligence (AI)
You might just like this one...

QUESTION: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there was.
Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Fox Mulder: It was a government conspiracy.
Freud: The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically predisposed to cross roads
Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.
Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"
Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Dirk Gently (Holistic Detective): I'm not exactly sure why, but right now I've got a horse in my bathroom.
Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads AND balance your checkbook, though when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999.
M.C.Escher: That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.
George Orwell: Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.
Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
Plato: For the greater good.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own freewill.
Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
The Sphinx: You tell me.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.
Emily Dickenson: Because it could not stop for death.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Saddam Hussein #2: It is the Mother of all Chickens.
Joseph Stalin: I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelet.
Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes the chicken crossed the road, but why he crossed, I've not been told!
O.J.: It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.
Very Big Grin Smilie

Okay I found this funny, this time appologies to any Japanese out there.........

A team of sociologists are planning an experiment in isolation. They send an American, a Frenchman and a Japanese man to a deserted island, and arrange to come back and pick them up in a year's time to see how they have adapted. The sociologists leave, and the three men decide to split up the tasks amongst themselves.

"I'm an engineer," says the American, "So I'll handle building a shelter." He turns to the Frenchman and says, "You French are pretty good cooks - why don't you handle the cooking?"

The Frenchman agrees, and the American turns to the Japanese man, "That leaves you to organise the supplies," he says. The Japanese man agrees and each man sets about his tasks.

A year passes, and the sociologists return to see how the men have done. They expect to find three desperate men, unhappy with having to live on the island, but instead find a huge wooden house with verandahs and porches and balconies.

The American comes to greet them, and when they express their surprise about the house he just shrugs and says, "Yeah, well, I had a lot of raw materials, so I kind of went to town and did the place up."

The team are amazed and are shown inside to the kitchen where they are greeted with the most amazing smell of delicious food. The Frenchman sees their surprise and just shrugs, "I had lots to work with," he says, "This island has loads of edible herbs and plants"

The team sit down to eat and are about to start when one of them enquires about the Japanese man.

"Oh, we don't know what happened to him," explains the American, "he ran off into the woods to sort out the supplies and hasn't been seen since." They all agree that they should find the man, and a search party is organised.

They make it about 100 yards into the woods, when the Japanese man jumps out from behind a tree and shouts: "SUPPLIES!!"
And well you might apologize; that was a terrible joke. Ha Ha Ha Smilie Almost as bad as
flied lice Big Smile Smilie
Really, we shouldn't make fun of different peoples' way of speaking; even if the Scotsman rolls his ARrRrs, a German sounds like he is clearing phlegm from his throat, the French sound like they are talking through their nose, and we Americans are always talking through our hats.

[Edited on 18/6/2002 by Grondmaster]
Big Smile Smilie

Ignore Smilie

Okay, just checked my emails and found some slightly better ones....(all education related for some reason!)

A school teacher wanted to show her students how dangerous drinking alcohol could be. She brought a jar of alcohol and an earthworm to class one day to demonstrate its effects. She dropped the worm into the alcohol and it died instantly. She then asked her students what this proved.
One student raised his hand and said, "if you drink a lot of alcohol, you won't get worms."

A very sarcastic lecturer asked his first class that if there were any idiots in the room would they please stand up, so he would know not to bother with them.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now, would you like to tell us all why you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the lecturer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I didn't want to see you standing up there all by yourself"

Teacher: "What's the nation's capital?"
Pupil: "Washington DC"
Teacher: "What does DC stood for?"
Pupil: "Dot com."

ROFLMAO!!! Very Big Grin Smilie
Had heard the supplies one before, but it remains good every time! Ha Ha Ha Smilie

Guy comes home with his new girl. He wants to introduce her to his parents. When he does, all goes well, until after half an hour or so, his mother calls him into the kitchen and says to her son: "I don't like that girl." So there's nothing he can do about it, he'll have to break up with his lovely girl, which he does. After some time, he has another girlfriend, which he takes home to show off with her. Again, all goes well, but again half an hour later, his mum calls him, and the same story enrolls itself again. So he breaks up with her. But he says to himself: next time it won't go like this. So what does he do? He looks for a girl that looks, behaves and speaks exactly like his mother. When he has found her, he's very proud and takes her home with him. Five minutes after he's introduced her, his father calls him into the kitchen and says: "I don't like that girl."
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A- Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Great one chika! I'm going to forward that to my dad! Very Big Grin Smilie
Okay, here's some for anyone trying to quit the evil weed.

Remember, smoking doesn't kill people...
People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.

One poll says 73% of Americans favor raising the cigarette tax. It's only fair.
Since smokers aren't around as long as the rest of us, they should pay more
while they're here.

I quit smoking once for six days - then they untied me.

Trying to quit smoking can drive you nuts -- especially when you try to light
your nicotine gum.

Marlboro has a line of outdoor gear for smokers. They recommend you buy it a
larger so paramedics don't have to cut it off of you when trying to revive your
dead butt.

The Marlboro clothing is very functional. The denim jacket has electric heart
sewed right into the lining, and there's a backpack that can hold a portable

I stopped smoking and extended my life expectancy. . .
Boy is my wife really pissed now!

btw, that last one was ****ing brilliant Chika!
ROFL!! Very Big Grin Smilie
I agree with the SKWRL's "btw," and I'm intending to let its subject slide because IMHO, it is cute, harmless, and funny. Smile Smilie
ROFL Chika!

Employee Evaluation

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe
that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

[Edited on 21/6/2002 by 42]
LOL! Great one 42.

Rambo's got another one for you...

10 reasons why a dog shouldn't use a computer!

10. T0o0p hqa5rxd 6tt0[o 6ty[p3e 2w9igtjh;pa3wds
(Have YOU ever tried typing with paws?)
9. 'Sit' and 'stay' were hard enough; 'delete' and 'save' are out of the
8. Saliva-coated CD-ROMS refuse to work.
7. Carpal Paw Syndrome.
6. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway he`s browsing or
the '50 ways to skin a cat' sites.
5. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrates them.
4. Can`t help attacking the screen when he hears, 'you`ve got mail'.
3. Too messy to mark every Web site he visits.
2. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
1. Can`t stick his head out of Windows XP.
ohhhhh.......poor kitty cat....funny joke though. Going to tell that one to my Dad even. Big Smile Smilie
two for today...

Transcript of the actual radio conversation of a us naval ship with Canadian autorities off the coast of Newfoundland:
Canadian: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you must divert your course.
Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north, I say again, that's one five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.


Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, ''Congratulations sir, You're the father of twins.''

''What a coincidence,'' the man said with some obvious pride. ''I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.''

The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, ''You sir, are the father of triplets.''

''Wow, That's really an incredible coincidence '' he answered. ''I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."

An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back, this time she turn to the thirrd man -- who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets.

Stunned, he barely could reply. ''Don't tell me! Another coincidence?'' asked the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said ''I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!''

After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and after some time, he slowly regained consciousness. When he was finally able to speak, you could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again.

''I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers... ''I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers... ''I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers...''
Nice ones Chikakat, I especially like the first one the Polish joke where we Americans are the butt. Now people can see why the words "Naval Intelligence" are so funny. Ha Ha Ha Smilie
I love that first one Chika! It's stuck up on my notice board!

Here's one, not nearly so good though....

A woman goes into her lawyers office requesting a divorce.
He is taking all of her background information and asks her,

"Do you have grounds for a divorce?"
To which she replies, "Well, we have three acres."

"No, ma'am. What I mean is, does he beat you up?" asks the attorney.
"No, I get up around 6:30 and he sleeps until 7:00," she responds.

Feeling a little frustrated the attorney asks, "Lady, tell me, do you have a grudge?"
Looking very confident she states, "No, we have a carport."

At this point the lawyer has lost his patience and asks, "Look, Lady. Why the heck do you want a divorce?"

"Because he can't hold an intelligent conversation!"
ROFL! Very Big Grin Smilie

Two mosquitos are driving their motorcycles along the highway. All goes well, until one of them signals to the other one to stop. They stop along the road, and the first mosquito goes over to the second one and asks: "Why did you want me to stop?" "Cos I had a fly in my eye."

Sorry, Grondmaster was here! Moderator Smilie

[Edited on 24/6/2002 by Grondmaster]
lol 42! Ha Ha Ha Smilie

oh it always makes me curious when Grondy's deleted something...
Me too.......

Anyway, here's some for Tuesday.

This taxi driver was driving on the highway and runs a red light. The passenger says "didn't you see that light? It was red." The driver says "my brother runs reds all the time." So then they come to another red light and he runs the red light. Once again the passenger says "didn't you see that red light?" The taxi driver once again says "My brother does it all the time." So then they come up to a GREEN light and they stop. Then the passenger says "that light was green, why didn't you go?" The driver replies "My brother might be coming."

I stopped by a friends house Saturday and saw him standing holding a fly swatter. I asked him if he killed any flies yet,
He said " Yes, I killed 3 male flies and 2 female flies."
I asked, " How can you tell if they were male or female flies?"
He said, " 3 flies were on a beer can and 2 flies were on the phone."
Just a few reasons why it's great to be a guy . . .

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking:
"He must be mad at me."
You don't mooch off other's desserts.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with, "So, notice anything
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
At least a few belches are expected and tolerated.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45
LOL! Very Big Grin Smilie

Now me too is curious why Grondy deleted that joke. I thought it wasn't *that* improper. The language I used wasn't *that* rude, was it? Disturbed Smilie
No the language was fine, it was the subject matter. Sex should only appear in the advertisements that bring you your family oriented entertainment, not in the entertainment itself. Big Smile Smilie

[Edited on 27/6/2002 by Grondmaster]
Boo! Sex should be everywhere, all the time, definitely. Wink Smilie

Talking about that (don't worry grond, not really...)

The 5 toughest questions that women ask men, and the answers...

The questions are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to
into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth).
Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with
possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been
pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful,
thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to
have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer,
which most likely is one of the following:
a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once
told Peg,
If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")

Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in
order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
A. I suppose so.
B. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
C. That depends on what you mean by love.
D. Does it matter?
E. Who, me?
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers
A. Compared to what?
B. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
C. A little extra weight looks good on you.
D. I've seen fatter.
E. Could you repeat the question?
I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
A. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Could you repeat the question?
I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question# 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, or course, is "Buy a Corvette.")
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up
usually along the these lines:

Woman: Would you get married again?
Man: Definitely not!
W: Why not, don't you like being married?
M: Of course I do.
W: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
M: Okay, I'd get married again.
W: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
M: Yes, I would.
W: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
M: Where else would we sleep?
W: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
M: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
W: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
M: Of course not, Dear. She's left-handed.

Yeah I know it ends on an old one, but the rest of it is an important lesson that we all need to learn.
That's ok, Grondy. Animated Wink Smilie I'll keep it in mind.

LOL! That reminds of the guy who said to his wife: "If one of us dies, I'll move to Canada."
Two storks are sitting in their nest - a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying so the father stork is trying to calm him.
"Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."
The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, and the baby stork is crying again. The mother says,
"Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mummies and daddies."
A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate because their son has been absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night.
The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the hell out of college students!"
And for Tuesday....

Little Tom was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what Tom was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tom?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tom tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned.
"That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tom patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your F*****G cat!
That was good for a full thirty seconds of laughter, tears, and all 42. Good one. Ha Ha Ha Smilie
oh my gosh 42...I died reading that one...Ha Ha Ha Smilie
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