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Thread: Jokes!

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@ Amari’: It would save us even more trouble if you girls could stop saying "nothing" and "fine" and instead (here is a revolutionary idea) actually SAY WHAT YOU MEAN!!!! Tongue Smilie
*start looking for flying pigs* Oink Smilie
From the inbox: This is so true it is not even funny!! Ignore Smilie
How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to move it to the Lighting section

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
A squad of American soldiers was patrolling near Bagdad, when they came across a badly mangled dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi insurgent.
A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi insurgent. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash!'"

"He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'George W. Bush is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash too!'"

"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."
"And that about sums it up for light bulbs. Stay tuned for our program next week when we will investigate navels; the lint they collect; the art of lint picking; and navel lint artists past and present."

"Until then’So-long! from me."

"And that's 'So-long!' from him."

... static ...
The above War Story was added while I was writing my broadcast radio ending to the previous joke. I expect it may disappear for being too political, but to this American patriot, it is a very funny joke. Elk Grinning Smilie
I thought there might be a chance for that happening. Wink Smilie Oh, well. Does that mean that someone actually READS my posts? Whee! Big Smile Smilie

At least one Am. solider currently in Iraq and a few returned ones liked it too. That punchline just comes out of the blue, doesn't it? Big Smile Smilie
There are two girls in my flute class who are really hyper and talkative. One day,(don't ask me why) we decided to call them Pepto and Bismol. They actually started arguing about who got which name. We also have a guy in that class who causes a hurricane in Florida whenever he blows his nose. (You can hear him all over the school sometimes. He could probably drown out a elephant.) One time, we were watching Channel One News after somebody made that joke, and the headline that came up was "Crashes from Blasts." I was laughing for days.
Headline: Teacher Arrested

At Phoenix Sky Harbor airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, an FBI spokesperson said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," the spokesman said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, one of the arresting officers said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

Source: sent by George Seaman to Car from whence Grondy lifted it.
OOh, I got the greatest joke! It's so cool. I got it when searching for info about Beethoven for school. Anyway, here you go:

There was this dude walking along the streets of Vienna one night, and he hears this weird as music. It's classical, but it's just wrong! All the laws of music are twisted. And seeing as there's nobody playing the music, he looks around and follows it. And he comes to a grave. It says on it - Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. And then he figures out that it's the ninth symphony played backwards. And he thinks this is quite amazing. So he goes away and comes back to see if he's just dreaming. And now it's the eighth symphony playing backwards. So he goes and gets his friend, and they come back to the seventh symphony playing backwards. And they go get some more people, and then they come back to the sixth symphony. And by dawn there's a whole bunch of people gathered around the grave listening to the second symphony playing backwards. And then the undertaker walks past, and they all ask him if he knows what's happening. And the undertaker says "Don't you get it? He's decomposing."

HAHAHAHA!!!! LOL!!! ROTFL!!!! I still laugh at that one! I always laugh at my own jokes.
Okay, here is a joke, I just hope its not too wrong...

*Want to hear dirty joke?
Bob fell in the mud.
*Want to hear a clean joke?
Bob took a bath with bubbles.
*Want to hear a dirty joke?
Bubbles is the girl next door...

OoooooH! I have a joke! It's a little imature but what do you expect? I'm a freshman so just bear with me.........

3 brothers go to a haunted house and dare one another to stay a night in this creepy old house all by themselves. The oldest brother goes in and gets ready to sleep in this old-fashioned, scary-as-heck room. But he doesn't freak out. But as he is gonna go to sleep, he hears unearthy voices coming from the bathroom singing the same song over and over. "When the log rolls, we will diiiie." So he jumps out the window and runs away screaming. The next night the second brother stays at the creepy old house, in the same creepy old room as the oldest brother. He is calm until he hears the same unearthy singing coming from the bathroom of: "When the log rolls, we will diiiie....." So he jumps out the window and runs away. Finally the third brother stays in the creepy old house, in the creepy old room as his other brothers. He hears the singing from the bathroom, "When the log rolls, we will diiiie....." and goes to investigate. When he gets there he realizes its coming from the toilet. So he looks in and sees a bunch of ants on a piece of poop singing " When the log rolls, we will diiiiie!"

Get it? HAHAHAH! I love that joke! My friend taught me that joke in like fourth grade and I still think it's funny! Big Laugh Smilie
Heeheehee. HAHHAHAHA!@!!!! LOL!LOLO! ROTFL! I'm not feeling very humorous today, so I'll just laugh myseelf silly from your jokes and participate when Im feeling funny.
Ummm... Okay, here's another:

Three guys are walking down this trail, and they realize that the path is crossed by a river, and continues on the other side. The first guys kneels, and says, "Please God, give me the strength to get across this river." her barely get's across the river. The second kneels down and says, "Please God, give me strength and the tools to get across the river." He just barely makes it across. The third guy kneels down and says, "Please God, give me the strength, tools, and the brains to get across this river." So God turns him into a woman and he walks down the trail and crosses the bridge.

I love that joke! Elf With a Big Grin Smilie
Liechtenstein declares war upon the USA via Fax:

Hereby we declare war upon the Unites States of America
We are well armed. We have 2 Tanks and 350 Soldiers.

On the same day the USA send a fax back:

We accept the declaration of war, but understand we wield a force of:
11720 Airplanes, 38640 Tanks and 15,1 M. Soldiers.

Seconds later Liechtenstein faxes back saying:

Under these circumstances we are forced to withdraw our declaration of war. We just don't have enough space for Prisoners of War.

Okay, here's one:

This guy walks into a pet store and and sees this parrot named Joe so he says to the manager "I would like this bird" The manager says "Would you like to see what the bird can do?" "sure" replies the man so the store manager pulls the birds left leg and the bird speaks in english. He pulls the birds right leg and the bird speaks french. The man asks "What will the bird do if you pull both legs?" the bird replies " I'll fall off you idiot"

Sorry to all the blondes out there but I just had to tell this joke:

There are 3 women standing in front of a magical mirror: a blonde, a brunette, and a red-head. The mirror tealls them, "If you tell me one true thing about you, I won't suck you in." The brunette goes first. She says, "I think I'm the prettiest of all 3 of us." Nothing happens. The red-head goesn next. She says, "I think I'm the smartest of the 3 of us." Nothing happens to her. The blonde goes last. She says, "I think-" and then gets sucked into the mirror.
Big Laugh Smilie Big Laugh Smilie Big Laugh Smilie Big Laugh Smilie Big Laugh Smilie Big Laugh Smilie Big Laugh Smilie
HAR HAR HAR HAR Big Smile Smilie

But i think Ices forelast post is such a stupid sexist joke.
Oh, and I apologize to all you guys out there who take this stuff seriously... Wink Smilie

And, i'm only half-blonde! Not all, just half! Ha Ha Ha Smilie
But i think Ices forelast post is such a stupid sexist joke.
Yes, but at least when the third guy prayed to God, She heard him. Elf With a Big Grin Smilie

Most Blondes are too dumb to recognize they are the butt of a joke. The ones that do are so smart they just laugh and figure out another way to get even.
Speeding Old Ladiesb

An Older woman gets pulled over for speeding.........

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you, but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his own car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car?

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The senior officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Oh sure, and I bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

The moral of this story is: Don't Mess With Old Ladies. Elf With a Big Grin Smilie
NYAHAHAHA!!!!! Oh, I JUST CAN'T think of a joke. Except a real long one, but I ain't typing it, it's too long.


Does that stand for something? And if it does, what?
It means

Rolling On The Floor Laughing My @$$ Off in Barbecue!

I don't know for sure, but that's what it sounds like. I saw it on another sites forum. Time for another joke:

A kid named Joey was in his Religion class. The teacher explained that when good people die, they go to heaven, and when bad people die, they go to hell. At the end of class the teacher asked the students, "Alright kids, what should you be if you want to go to heaven?" Joey shouted, "DEAD!"

You know you're living in 2004 when...

> 1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

> 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

> 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

> 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

> 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that
they don't have e-mail addresses.

> 6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a
business manner.

> 7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an
outside line.

> 8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
different companies.

> 10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

> 11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

> 12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home.

> 13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the

> 14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the
first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and
you turn around to go and get it.

> 15. You get up in the morning and go on-line before getting your coffee.

> 16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

> 17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

> 18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this

> 19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

> 20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this

That is exactly what I did! I scrolled back up to look, and then I laughed at myself! Do you have your telescope aimed at my bedroom window?!?!

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,

Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours,

Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next week he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,

Acme Costume Co
LOL! That was funny! My 10 year old cousin nearly had a heart-attack laughing!
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why is he staring. He replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

The cabbie says, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic!"

"OK" the Nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The Nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"

The cabbie replies, "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

That's a cleaner version than the one I heard.....

Thank goodness.
How many USian voters does it take to change a lightbulb?

There is no need to change it, the current one is only a little dim, and USians prefer to be in the dark anyway. Tongue Smilie Ha Ha Ha Smilie
Khee khee khee khee khee kheeeee Very Big Grin Smilie
Boy, that sure was funny........ha........ha........ha....... Boring Smilie

Once upon a time, there was a family of carrots. Their names were Papa Carrot, Mama Carrot and Baby Carrot. They lived on a carrot farm just outside of Carrot City, and they provided the citizens of Carrot City with their daily allotment of carrots. (We won't go into the socio-political ramifications of cannibalistic carrots in this story -- it takes too long, and it's boring, to boot.)

To provide all those carrots, the Carrot family had a large garden in their backyard. The garden had to be tilled in the late winter, planted in the early spring, weeded and watered all summer, and harvested in the late summer. Every late winter, it was the same thing. Papa Carrot would get out the carrot-roto-tiller to till the carrot garden, and Baby Carrot would beg to till the carrot garden.

"Not this year, Baby Carrot," Papa Carrot said every year. "You're too small to work the carrot-roto-tiller."

And every year, Baby Carrot would smile and say, "Maybe next year, then, eh?" (Somehow or another, Carrot City is in Canada.)

And Papa Carrot would say, "Maybe so. We'll have to see how big you get between now and then."

Late winter came around this one particular year, and Baby carrot said to Papa Carrot, "Please, Papa Carrot! Please let me till the carrot garden! I've gotten real big, haven't I? Aren't I big enough yet?"

Papa Carrot looked carefully at Baby Carrot and said to him, "I think you might have grown large enough to control the carrot-roto-tiller; let's have a look at you standing beside it."

So Baby Carrot stood beside the carrot-roto-tiller and Papa Carrot measured him standing there. He hemmed and he hawed, and finally he said, "Okay, Baby Carrot, I think you're big enough. Let's move this carrot-roto-tiller out into the yard where we can give you a lesson in how to use it." So they moved the carrot-roto-tiller out into the yard, and Papa Carrot commenced to give Baby Carrot a lesson in how to work all the safety features of the carrot-roto-tiller.

"...and that is how you hit the emergency brake," said Papa Carrot. "Okay, I think you know everything you need to know. Go ahead and start it up!"

Baby Carrot pulled the cord and the carrot-roto-tiller started up without a hitch. Baby Carrot carefully moved the carrot-roto-tiller toward the garden while Papa Carrot watched him proudly. "Now remember what I said in my safety lesson, Baby Carrot: don't get too fast with it!"

Baby Carrot hollered back that he would be careful, and Papa Carrot began making his way back toward the Carrot house. As soon as Papa Carrot was out of eyeshot over the hill in the backyard (darn those pesky natural vision blockers that come out of nowhere!), Baby Carrot said to himself, "I'll never get the carrot garden tilled if I don't go faster." He gave the tiller more gas.

All of a sudden, the carrot-roto-tiller just took off! Poor Baby Carrot could do nothing but hold on for dear life as his feet lifted off the ground from the speed with which the carrot-roto-tiller was moving. It zipped this way, it zinged that way, it tore up the top of the hill in the backyard and ripped its way down the other side. It cut its way through the back porch, and, before anyone could protest, it ran smack into Papa Carrot, and cut him clean in half.

It was at this point that Baby Carrot remembered the emergency brake on the carrot-roto-tiller, and he pulled up on the bar. The carrot-roto-tiller came to a lurching halt in the middle of the backporch. Mama Carrot came screaming out of the house to hold the broken pieces of her husband in her arms. Baby Carrot, who, during the carrot-roto-tiller rampage, could not manage to keep his head, finally managed to keep his head. He ran inside and called C911 (Yes, that's Carrot-911.). The Carrot City Rescue Squad came tearing up in their Carrot City Ambulance, picked up the pieces of Papa Carrot and took him to the Carrot Emergency Room. Mama Carrot and Baby Carrot both got a ride in the front of the Carrot City Ambulance, which was both terrifying and exciting for them.

When they finally arrived at the Carrot City Emergency Room, the city's most famous Carrot-Neurosurgeon was waiting for them. He and his team took the pieces of Papa Carrot into the Carrot Operating Room where they spent 19 hours of grueling Carrot Neurosurgery putting Papa Carrot back together.

When the surgery was completed, the Carrot Neurosurgeon came out to the waiting room to talk to Mama Carrot and Baby Carrot.

"Mama Carrot, Baby Carrot," he said, "I have good news and I have bad news. First, the good news: Papa Carrot's going to live. The bad news is: He's going to be a vegetable."
A burglar is stalking around in a darkened house, his flashlight flicking from room to room, when out of the darkness booms a voice, "Jesus and Emmanuel are watching you!" The burglar freezes. "Jesus and Emmanuel are watching you!" says the voice again. The flashlight desperately scans the room. Again the voice booms out of the darkness, "Jesus and Emmanuel are watching you!"

"Who is that," whispers the burglar.

"My name is Emmanuel. Jesus and I are watching you!" comes the reply. Suddenly in the flashlight beam, the burglar catches a glimpse of a brightly colored parrot. "Jesus and Emmanuel are watching you!" screeches the parrot.

"Emmanuel, what kind of stupid name is that for a parrot?" asks the burglar.

"Not half as stupid as Jesus is for a Rottweiler," replies the parrot.
Hey GrevBukMcJern that carrot joke could have be more entertaining if you shortened it up, all you really need is the punch line... remember make it short and sweet. Here is my version, i give credit to you for the joke.

Two Carrots, bob and jonny, were walking along the along side train tracks. A train comes up and whips by them, As the caboose is comming up the wheel malfunctions and breaks off, the cabooses end starts weaving out of control and jumps off the track heading their direction. Out of the blue a 747 falls out the the sky crushing knocking the caboose out of the way, but taking Jonny with it, but miraculously leaving bob unharmed.

At the hospital the doctor goes up to bob and tells him "I have good news and I have bad news. First, the good news: Jonny is going to live. The bad news is: He's going to be a vegetable."
Short is sweeter, but all three of these last ones were good. Though Bob and Jonny could just as easily been celery or potatoes.
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded... "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor."

"No, from skipping."

(No offense meant to all you blondes out there, don't worry, I'm one too, well, half anyway.Smile Smilie )

Puppy Smilie Snaps to you, baby, I love and miss you dearly Sad Smilie
Well, I'll post another joke:

A woman is teaching a class of fifth graders. She has a large assignment for them, so she goes to write it on the board.

When she starts writing, she hears a giggle behind her. She turns around and sees a little boy laughing. "What are you laughing at, Michael?" she says. "I just saw one of your garters, miss," he says, still giggling. "Go to the office! I don't want to see you for two days!" she screams at him.

She turns back to the chalkboard and realizes she didn't title the assignment. She reaches -way- up high to write and she hears an even louder giggle behind her. She turns around and sees another little boy laughing. "Why are you laughing, Thomas?" she asks. "I saw both of your garters," he says. "Get out of my classroom! I don't want to see you for two weeks!" she screeches.

Turning once again to the chalkboard, the teacher drops her chalk. She bends down to get and hears a burst of laughter behind her. She picks up the chalk and turns around; Little Johnny is laughing and he is walking towards the door. "Where are you going, Little Johnny?" she asks.

"Teacher, from I just saw, I'm guessing my whole year's gone."

Puppy Smilie I love you baby.

Closely related to this. (3d post from the bottom)

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! Print this out.

If you're a Man pass to your partner for a greater understanding. If you're a woman keep it somewhere prominent like on the fridge!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then your stuck with her.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the offside rule, or motor bikes.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. No you really do have too many shoes.

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.
1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!
2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
3) I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10) Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is research.
11) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
13) NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, coughing, why-oh- why-is-the-room spinning medicine.
14) The trouble with life is there's no background music.
15) God must love stupid people; he made so many.
16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
17) It IS as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you.
18) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
19) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
20) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
21) To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer.
22) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up.
Yo GrevBukMcJern i really enjoyed reading your joke, keep up the good work! Now i have a little something to share with you all.... Hey Icefangs i see you know a few "little Jonny" jokes, aren't they great?

The Miracle of Toilet Paper

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked. "They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies. I stopped. " Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy he may even walk again.
Stupid, stupid man.
Ha Ha Ha Smilie

Here's one that fits very well on Addershark & Co:

hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left. Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise. Professors of mathematics will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.

hunt elephants by exercising
Algorithm A:
Go to Africa.
Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
During each traverse pass,
Catch each animal seen.
Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
Stop when a match is detected.

modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate. "C" language programmers prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.

hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.

don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.

hunt the 1st animal they see N times & call it an elephant.

don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do. Operations research consultants can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.

don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.

don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings. Software lawyers will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.

of engineering, research, and development try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees them.

If the vice president does see a nonprehunted elephant, the staff will
(1) compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and
(2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.

set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.

inspectors ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens. Software salespeople ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant. Hardware salespeople catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as DESKTOP ELEPHANTS.

don't hunt elephants but prepare documentation that explains how to identify & hunt elephants they've never seen. Though they try hard to accompany elephant hunters, they will settle for a photo, illustration, rough sketch, or verbal description of an elephant to help them complete & deliver guides & references in time for simultaneous world-wide GA. Economic changes now require that they also design & develop elephant-hunting brochures, posters, packaging, posters, & other marketing publications & trinkets. In addition, state-of-the-art technology has allowed them to introduce the ONLINE ELEPHANT.
Very hahahahaha!

How about an additional one:

Personnel Managers
Claim that hunting elephants is for the good of the elephant and that all elephants hunted have willingly agreed to be hunted for the betterment of their species. Believe that culling elephants creates efficiency and will, in the long run, increase turnover and production thus ensuring job satisfaction and security. Will allocate the major part of the personnel budget for training elephants to roll over and die while believing it is for their own good. Claim that performance related pay for elephants promotes equality. Will happily display beautifully photographed elephant corpses as posters with motivational slogans beneath them for the betterment of all elephants and not for personal glory.

"To Give Anything Less Than Your Best Is To Sacrifice The Elephant"

'The fundamentals of an elephant are not in substance, but in spirits.'

"The depth of an elephant is not measured by what appears on the surface."

"If today was perfect there would be no need for elephants."

"What the elephant can conceive and believe, it can achieve."

"It is the bravest of elephants who stands tall in the face of danger."

"While most are dreaming of success, elephants wake-up and work hard to achieve it."

'It only takes a single elephant to move the world.'

Two balloons are walking in the desert. Suddenly, one balloon cries out : "Watch out!! A cactus!"
Even though we love to hate lawyers, you gotta love this lawyer

- Everyone who has ever bought a house will enjoy this.

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (Actual letter):

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the
proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain.

The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and
almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition.

Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it, AND the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our darned loan?"

The loan was approved.
Don't think they're funny but here they are:

A kid runs to his father crying yelling that his mother backed the car over his bike. The father looks gravely at his son, "Now son, you can't blame your mom, it your fault for leaving it on the front lawn."

Professer: Smith, can you tell me who built the sphinx?
Student: I-I-I did know sir, but I forgot.
Professer: Great Guns what a calamity! The only man living who knows but has forgotten!

"If you refuse to marry me, I will die." Said the young man. And sure enough 60 years later, he died.

A Hot Air balloon was drifting over a valley, the people inside, lost. "Maybe we should ask someone down there." One of them said. "Alright," One of them said, and so he got up and yelled down, "WHERE ARE WE!" There was a long pause before an answer came back, "YOU'RE LOST." The guy sits down and said, "That guy must've been a mathimigician." The others are puzzled asking why. Then the guy goes, "Well 1) he was absolutely right. 2) He took a long time to answer. and 3) The answer was useless.
Well, the hot air balloon story got more than a mere chuckle out of me; in fact it bought out laughing tears. Ha Ha Ha Smilie Dog Smilie
Cards Hallmark Should Make ...

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat. Sorry!

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it ...
She moved in with me.

Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder ...
"What the hell was I thinking?"

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ...
I've changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am ...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

Happy birthday!
You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.

We have been friends for a very long time ...
Let's say we stop?

I'm so miserable without you ...
It's almost like you're here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.

So your daughter's a hooker,
And it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
It's really good pay.
A little girl: was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher: said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a humanas it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her
brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead "

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

Subject: Warning

The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the Dillon, Breckenridge, and Keystone areas.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity. People should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

That is from the works of Jack Handy, an amazingly funny man.
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