Tres bien!!! *long and loud Applause*

How true.. i work in an office, and i feel every moral of each tale like its one cut of a thousand, 'cept i'm laughing me ass off (lmao)!!!

Uhm as an aside, i have a mithril problem, in that i donthave much left and have only PM'd twice, how often do you get it, and how do you get it... Sorry if this isnt the appropriate place to ask, but i'm down to my last 5 *sobs*!?!!?!

You probably miss out on mithril at the weekends because you don't log in.

oh, i gotta nuther one......
yeah i know everyone's heard it but i'll do it anyway

a guy's driving down the motorway when he gets a call from his wife on his mobile......she says
"be careful, they just showed this maniac on the news, driving down the wrong side of the road",
he replies,
"you dont need to tell me, there's thousands of the idiots".

A man walks into a bar. He stands on the counter and asked the bartender if he had any duck soup. The bartender said he didn't and hicked the guy out. The next day the guy comes back, stands on the counter and askes if they have duck soup. The bartender sias that if he comes back he'll nail his feet to the counter. The next day the guy comes back and askes if they have any nails. When the bartender says they don't, he jumps right back onto the counter and asks if they have any duck soup.

A new joke thread appeared, I chose to move it here where the fun already is flowing.

Loni posted Saturday 28th February 2004


Crystle caves replyed:



Gildor inglorion:


Asteroth said:

I'm not sure what you are trying to say Aster my friend.
I moved it becuase we already have a jokes thread, and hiding another one in the Roleplaying Guild is not very practical.

Yes I am A council member but I am not THE council memeber.
Ahahaaaa I'm so funny.. not. Well back to class.

Ah, you mean Lonis two almost completly identical jokes. Didn't understand what CC had to do with it. Loni rewrote her own joke and posted it in a new thread.
I have said I will delete the thread in the roleplaying guild, I'm just letting Loni get the chance to read that I have moved her post here.

ACH... i got your resized pics, many thanks Amarie...

Only problem i have is actually uploading them from the relevant files, Eee Gads i'm such a technophobe!

No fair.


Dammit, its Impossible, i've tried every contingency... *tearing hair out* followed the instructions as per "help", still wont upload!!!

Lol, I'm glad you made it Aelric! Looking good!
Now let's get back to the jokes, shall we?

I have two. The first is from my real life. The second is a groaner.

Miss Celia Klotz was the best math teacher I ever had. When I was taking Calculus from her and we caught her in a mistake as she was at the blackboard explaining where we went wrong on a homework problem, she would say, "When I wrote down A, I meant to write down B, while all along it should have been C."

Then there was the constipated mathematician who worked everything out with a pencil.

I did warn you it was a groaner.

HAHAHA Thanks

Lol, nice!v

A person that comes from Liverpool, England UK

A definition of reasons and history :-
The word comes from lobscouse, a sailor's (very likely a Norwegian sailor) dish of stewed meat, vegetables, and ship's biscuit, not unlike Irish stew.

Lobscouser became a slang name for a sailor. As a port city, Liverpool became known for this dish.

The word Scouser came to refer to a native of Liverpool, the city where they ate scouse, and Scouse referred also to the pronunciations and usages of that speech community.

Can some one tell me if there is a better "definition" of a Scouser?

S is for Sardonic sense of humour C is for Comedian born and Bred O is for Only supports one soccer team (Liverpool) U is for Unswerving love for all things Liverpool S is for Scouse eater E is for Eulogizes Liverpool at every opportunity R is for Rejoices in a good argument

OR
Lab Skaas is a fish stew deriving from Norway. A dish called Lab Scaus is also eaten in the sea ports of Northern Germany. Labscause (Lob Scouse in the local dialect) became a popular dish in the Liverpool area, probably introduced by sailors docking in the port. Lob Scouse is a stew containing mutton, potato, carrot and onions a variant or mutation due in part to the large amount of Irish migrants who mixed it with their own dish.
The popularity of this dish in the Liverpool area led to locals being termed "Scousers".

And there you have it.

Ok prbably gonna get slammed for this but i tried to find the "Footie Anyone?" thread but no joy, but being as this is a satirical look at British Football i'm confident some of ya out there will love it...

Its long but well worth it!

Enjoy...
Subject: THE GARY NEVILLE DIARIES
Friday Put the cones out for Sir today and he glanced at me. Made me feel special. He never looks at Phil like that. Told Mum and she said I have to share but that's not fair because I got to the cones first. Moustache looks a bit thicker today.

Saturday Won today but I didn't play :-( Watched MUTV all night to see whether Sir said he missed me. Am sure they edited it out. Hung out with Rio until he told me to 'go away innit'. Will tell Sir tomorrow. Deffo not a penalty today - gave that girl Boa Morte a nasty stare after the game to let him know that I know. Man in wheelchair laughed at my moustache. Cried myself to sleep.

Sunday Took Sir an apple. But Weasley :-) gave him a bottle of red wine so he'll probably play on Tuesday. Creep. Went to Mum's for dinner but she tried to make me eat sprouts and then laughed when I banged my fists on the kitchen lino. She won't laugh again. Read Sir's book in bed. Coloured in moustache with marker. Looks manly.

Monday Rained at training. Marker wasn't permanent.

Tuesday (early) Playing tonight so was definitely worth washing bibs for Sir. Looked at papers and I was in them again! Will put in scrapbook. So glad said Porto don't act like men. Am really getting good at this mind games business. Photo on back of The Sun made my moustache look thin but Mum says it's just the ink. She says I look handsome.

Tuesday (late) Not fair. Not fair. Not fair. It was a goal and we should have won and someone pushed me and someone tried to hurt Ronaldo and the girls dived on the floor and the referee blew the whistle before we could score and they celebrated in front of OUR fans and that made me so angry but I had to go and tell the TV that they deserved it (they didn't and I had my fingers crossed. Ha!). It's just not fair because we're the best team in the whole wide world. Have given Philip a Chinese burn for that free-kick and told Sir to sell him.

Wednesday Sir not happy today. He didn't even cheer up when I gave him my drawing. Wonder if he'll put it on his fridge with the others? Saw a small boy laughing at me so held him down until he said that Manchester United were the best team in the whole wide world. Feel better now. Bought some Re-Gane and put on top lip. Can't wait until the morning to see my bushy, manly 'tache.

Thursday Phoned David to ask him to ask Elton about hair transplants. He said he was, "too busy preparing for the quarter-finals of the Champions League". Am going to tell Sir and then I'm going to fly to Spain and then hold him down until he says that Manchester United are the best team in the whole wide world. And I'm going to take back the Man United sovereign ring I sent him for Christmas. Update: Mum says I can't go to Spain.

Monday Still can't believe he sent those text messages to yukky girls too. Everyone knows girls smell. Have been crying every night for a week. Told Mum it was Phil's fault and she made him stand in the corner. Even when his wife was there. Ha. Still got one text message from him. The special one - 'I'm going to hold you down and **** your *******'. Later: Have looked in Mum's crossword dictionary. Thicko spelt 'shave' and 'moustache' wrong.

Tuesday "And the ball falls to the brilliant Gary Neville with his lovely thick moustache and he makes no mistake and lashes home the ball. The crowd go wild - there's nobody these Old Trafford fans love more than Gary Neville...And there's Sir Alex Ferguson with a tear in his eye. He loves Gary and his thick moustache like a son..." Sir even patted me on the back and said 'Well done, Phil'. Bet Rebecca 'Stinky' Loos(ha) couldn't score against Leicester.

Wednesday Gave Sir the tea cosy I knitted to match the doilies. Think he liked it because I saw him smile when he showed it to Keano. Maybe I should do one for him too. In green :-) Then maybe he won't tie my shoelaces together again :-( Went to Mum's for tea. Ran the length of the kitchen to appeal her decision to let Phil lick out the cake bowl. Made Mum cry but at least I got to lick out the bowl! Moustache definitely looks thicker today.

Thursday Said 'howdy' to Tim in training and he told me to '****ing **** off you little ****'. Said 'yo' to Rio and he said exactly the same. Maybe this Tourettes thing is spreading. Would tell Sir but think he's got it too. Saw 'Stinky' Loos on TV. She looks really smelly. Tried to draw a little moustache (not mustach, thicko) on her face but she kept moving. Update: This marker was permanent. Mum says I need to buy her a new TV.

Friday Not fair, not fair, not fair. Graham Poll is in the papers saying I'm a diver but Mum says I can't call The Sun and say he's got a big bum. It's not fair because he started it. And he has got a big bum.

Saturday "And the ball falls to the brilliant Gary Neville with his lovely thick moustache and he tries an audacious overhead kick. Is nothing beyond the talents of Old Trafford's favourite son? But a cheating, handballing nobody who plays for a nothing team pushes the ball over the bar to deny brave Neville, his thick moustache and the greatest team in the whole wide world yet another goal..." The referee didn't crack like Mum did. He didn't even cry. Gave Matt 'Who?' Taylor my nastiest glare after the game. And then I saw his Mum and glared at her too. His Dad was bigger than me so stopped there.

Sunday There's another yukky girl in the papers telling yukky stories about how yukky David made her feel so yucking special. How can he do this to me? Watched a programme about skin grafts - they take the skin from a place that nobody sees and put it in the place where you need the skin. Has given me an idea about thickening my moustache...

Following on from Gary Neville........

Gerard Houllier's diary.................................. SUNDAY: Spent the morning reading the reports of yesterday's game. Wild overexaggeration, as always. Cannot for the life of me understand the phrases they throw at me. What is this nonsense about consistency? Workrate? Goals? Made a note to tell the press that these are exactly the attributes I have instilled in my team. Once I point it out to them, I'm sure they'll see what I mean. At least the real fans are with me. They know what I'm trying to achieve here. Received a phonecall from Kirky. Apparently, he broke his thumb on the TV remote last night. Have told him not to worry. His England chance will Come eventually. Caught Salif rummaging through my bins again. Tried to grab him, but he ran away. Seemed to be giggling uncontrollably.

MONDAY: Dioufy rang in first thing. He says he's too busy to train today. I'm a little disappointed, but he's promised that his performance won't Be affected. The boys played some five-a-side, and all looked very sharp. Milan hit the back of the net with every shot, and I've promised him that, as long as he works hard on his tackling, I'll find a position in the team for him shortly. Emile gave me a nice chocolate bar after training. He told me he was worried about his lack of goals in training. I gave him a big cuddle, and he left smiling. I'm so proud of my boys.

TUESDAY Dioufy rang in first thing. Apparently he is feeling a bit sick, so he can't come in. It must be bad, I'm sure I could hear the voices of two nurses in the background. Told the boys to practice their penalties in training today. Steven hit the target every time. He'll make useful back-up if ever Michael is injured. Followed that with some endurance running. It's amazing how fit these players are, almost as if they hadn't put in any effort in the last match. Unfortunately, Danny didn't complete the course after running into a letterbox. Says he didn't see it at all, which is a little confusing. I'm hopeful he'll be OK for the match on Saturday though. Gave the boys a tactical lesson in the afternoon. It's a pleasure to see their brows so furrowed in concentration. Devised a cunning ploy to confuse the opposition. Have told Sami to kick the ball long to Emile, and Emile to bluff defences by NOT jumping for it. In the ensuing confusion, it'll be easy for Michael to nip in and grab a goal. Everyone else seems to be having trouble grasping the concept, but Emile just smiled at me, to show he understands. I can always rely on Emile.

WEDNESDAY. Dioufy can't make it again. He says he is still suffering from a virus, but that he's thinking about the game at all times. I really do admire that boy's attitude. Some of the boys requested that we do some work on corners and free kicks today, but I told them that, at this stage in their progression, it is far more important to work on our fluidity. So, instead, we staged a full practice match and I discovered not only that Danny has the makings of a world class centre half, but also that Djimi, with his raw pace, might be worth a try on the wing some day. Have made a note of it, maybe to Try in the Uefa cup next season. Phil returned from his scouting trip today. I'm saving the club so much namley by only using the Eurostar for these excursions, I just know Rick will be pleased. Phil tells me he's seen an exciting player in a match between Monaco and St. Etienne. Etienne lost 6-1, but apparently they have a young midfielder with a tough tackle, and an eye for a pass. Could be the next Patrick Vieira. I've sent Phil back straightaway to see how many positions the lad can play. I've a feeling he might be useful back-up for Dioufy. Caught Stephanie looking at me darkly today. You'd think that since I a the only manager to ever put him in his natural position, he'd be a little more grateful. Got home to find a big bouquet of flowers on my doorstep, from 'E'. Have no idea who this might be, but they've brightened the place up much more than those dusty pictures of Zinedine. He never calls anymore.

THURSDAY. Still no sign of Salif, although I'm sure I saw him running through the background on the news last night, wearing that underwear I'm missing. Got a phonecall from police in Spain to say that they found Dioufy asleep in a car park in Barcelona. Looks like he's been out there for the whole week clubbing. I have to say, I'm a little disappointed with his attitude, but I know it's out of character, and when I see him I'll let him know that his place in the squad is safe. I always expected him to reach a plateau about now anyway. An agent representing someone called Joaquin called me today to say that his client might be interested in a move to Liverpool. Have to say, I'm very angry that people are trying to unsettle Danny and Dioufy. Put the phone down on him. Lively training today though, and I would say Michael is about 67.4% sharp now. He'll be banging in the goals soon enough. Emile scored one as well, but started to cry when Steven said 'about time too'. I gave him a cuddle and he asked if he could come over for Dinner to discuss his future. Unfortunately, I have plans with the wife tonight, so I had to say no. He looked so sad.

FRIDAY. Let the boys relax today. The champions league will be decided soon, and I don't want my poor lambs mentally burnt out before the end of the season. Caught Jamie turning Sky sports on, and only just stopped him before everyone else saw. I can't have my boys listening to any of the nasty lies those 'news' channels churn out. A letter arrived today addressed to 'M. O'Neill'. Very strange indeed, but Rick said it must just be a fault with the postal system. Salif finally turned up for training, but spent most of the day sat in corner muttering to himself, and giggling. Steven says he's crazy, but I'm glad I bought him - a dressing room needs some character, and Salif lightens the place up a lot. Told the boys my team selection for tomorrow, and they were so supportive, all just silently agreeing with me. It's so nice to run a club with no dissent whatsoever. I've decided to give young Anthony's left foot another try tomorrow. He has the makings of an excellent left winger. Told the boys to get an early night in preparation for the big game tomorrow. Although I never like to focus too much on the opposition, I have told my boys to approach the game with total caution. They may be 4th from bottom, but I can see what talent they have, and they might even make a late surge for our precious, our champions league spot. We need to be focused. SATURDAY I cannot write anything today. I am so angry with that linesman. Emile came off the pitch in tears again. How are we supposed to progress if nobody will stop attacking my poor players?

SUNDAY Spent the morning reading the reports of yesterday's game. Wild overexaggeration, as always. Cannot for the life of me underst... [reply] [Complain about this post]


Diaries Found! spencer pritchard - 40th post - 21 Apr 2004 13:35
Subject: THE GARY NEVILLE DIARIES
Friday Put the cones out for Sir today and he glanced at me. Made me feel special. He never looks at Phil like that. Told Mum and she said I have to share but that's not fair because I got to the cones first. Moustache looks a bit thicker today.

Saturday Won today but I didn't play :-( Watched MUTV all night to see whether Sir said he missed me. Am sure they edited it out. Hung out with Rio until he told me to 'go away innit'. Will tell Sir tomorrow. Deffo not a penalty today - gave that girl Boa Morte a nasty stare after the game to let him know that I know. Man in wheelchair laughed at my moustache. Cried myself to sleep.

Sunday Took Sir an apple. But Weasley :-) gave him a bottle of red wine so he'll probably play on Tuesday. Creep. Went to Mum's for dinner but she tried to make me eat sprouts and then laughed when I banged my fists on the kitchen lino. She won't laugh again. Read Sir's book in bed. Coloured in moustache with marker. Looks manly.

Monday Rained at training. Marker wasn't permanent.

Tuesday (early) Playing tonight so was definitely worth washing bibs for Sir. Looked at papers and I was in them again! Will put in scrapbook. So glad said Porto don't act like men. Am really getting good at this mind games business. Photo on back of The Sun made my moustache look thin but Mum says it's just the ink. She says I look handsome.

Tuesday (late) Not fair. Not fair. Not fair. It was a goal and we should have won and someone pushed me and someone tried to hurt Ronaldo and the girls dived on the floor and the referee blew the whistle before we could score and they celebrated in front of OUR fans and that made me so angry but I had to go and tell the TV that they deserved it (they didn't and I had my fingers crossed. Ha!). It's just not fair because we're the best team in the whole wide world. Have given Philip a Chinese burn for that free-kick and told Sir to sell him.

Wednesday Sir not happy today. He didn't even cheer up when I gave him my drawing. Wonder if he'll put it on his fridge with the others? Saw a small boy laughing at me so held him down until he said that Manchester United were the best team in the whole wide world. Feel better now. Bought some Re-Gane and put on top lip. Can't wait until the morning to see my bushy, manly 'tache.

Thursday Phoned David to ask him to ask Elton about hair transplants. He said he was, "too busy preparing for the quarter-finals of the Champions League". Am going to tell Sir and then I'm going to fly to Spain and then hold him down until he says that Manchester United are the best team in the whole wide world. And I'm going to take back the Man United sovereign ring I sent him for Christmas. Update: Mum says I can't go to Spain.

Monday Still can't believe he sent those text messages to yukky girls too. Everyone knows girls smell. Have been crying every night for a week. Told Mum it was Phil's fault and she made him stand in the corner. Even when his wife was there. Ha. Still got one text message from him. The special one - 'I'm going to hold you down and **** your *******'. Later: Have looked in Mum's crossword dictionary. Thicko spelt 'shave' and 'moustache' wrong.

Tuesday "And the ball falls to the brilliant Gary Neville with his lovely thick moustache and he makes no mistake and lashes home the ball. The crowd go wild - there's nobody these Old Trafford fans love more than Gary Neville...And there's Sir Alex Ferguson with a tear in his eye. He loves Gary and his thick moustache like a son..." Sir even patted me on the back and said 'Well done, Phil'. Bet Rebecca 'Stinky' Loos(ha) couldn't score against Leicester.

Wednesday Gave Sir the tea cosy I knitted to match the doilies. Think he liked it because I saw him smile when he showed it to Keano. Maybe I should do one for him too. In green :-) Then maybe he won't tie my shoelaces together again :-( Went to Mum's for tea. Ran the length of the kitchen to appeal her decision to let Phil lick out the cake bowl. Made Mum cry but at least I got to lick out the bowl! Moustache definitely looks thicker today.

Thursday Said 'howdy' to Tim in training and he told me to '****ing **** off you little ****'. Said 'yo' to Rio and he said exactly the same. Maybe this Tourettes thing is spreading. Would tell Sir but think he's got it too. Saw 'Stinky' Loos on TV. She looks really smelly. Tried to draw a little moustache (not mustach, thicko) on her face but she kept moving. Update: This marker was permanent. Mum says I need to buy her a new TV.

Friday Not fair, not fair, not fair. Graham Poll is in the papers saying I'm a diver but Mum says I can't call The Sun and say he's got a big bum. It's not fair because he started it. And he has got a big bum.

Saturday "And the ball falls to the brilliant Gary Neville with his lovely thick moustache and he tries an audacious overhead kick. Is nothing beyond the talents of Old Trafford's favourite son? But a cheating, handballing nobody who plays for a nothing team pushes the ball over the bar to deny brave Neville, his thick moustache and the greatest team in the whole wide world yet another goal..." The referee didn't crack like Mum did. He didn't even cry. Gave Matt 'Who?' Taylor my nastiest glare after the game. And then I saw his Mum and glared at her too. His Dad was bigger than me so stopped there.

Sunday There's another yukky girl in the papers telling yukky stories about how yukky David made her feel so yucking special. How can he do this to me? Watched a programme about skin grafts - they take the skin from a place that nobody sees and put it in the place where you need the skin. Has given me an idea about thickening my moustache...

Following on from Gary Neville........

Gerard Houllier's diary.................................. SUNDAY: Spent the morning reading the reports of yesterday's game. Wild overexaggeration, as always. Cannot for the life of me understand the phrases they throw at me. What is this nonsense about consistency? Workrate? Goals? Made a note to tell the press that these are exactly the attributes I have instilled in my team. Once I point it out to them, I'm sure they'll see what I mean. At least the real fans are with me. They know what I'm trying to achieve here. Received a phonecall from Kirky. Apparently, he broke his thumb on the TV remote last night. Have told him not to worry. His England chance will Come eventually. Caught Salif rummaging through my bins again. Tried to grab him, but he ran away. Seemed to be giggling uncontrollably.

MONDAY: Dioufy rang in first thing. He says he's too busy to train today. I'm a little disappointed, but he's promised that his performance won't Be affected. The boys played some five-a-side, and all looked very sharp. Milan hit the back of the net with every shot, and I've promised him that, as long as he works hard on his tackling, I'll find a position in the team for him shortly. Emile gave me a nice chocolate bar after training. He told me he was worried about his lack of goals in training. I gave him a big cuddle, and he left smiling. I'm so proud of my boys.

TUESDAY Dioufy rang in first thing. Apparently he is feeling a bit sick, so he can't come in. It must be bad, I'm sure I could hear the voices of two nurses in the background. Told the boys to practice their penalties in training today. Steven hit the target every time. He'll make useful back-up if ever Michael is injured. Followed that with some endurance running. It's amazing how fit these players are, almost as if they hadn't put in any effort in the last match. Unfortunately, Danny didn't complete the course after running into a letterbox. Says he didn't see it at all, which is a little confusing. I'm hopeful he'll be OK for the match on Saturday though. Gave the boys a tactical lesson in the afternoon. It's a pleasure to see their brows so furrowed in concentration. Devised a cunning ploy to confuse the opposition. Have told Sami to kick the ball long to Emile, and Emile to bluff defences by NOT jumping for it. In the ensuing confusion, it'll be easy for Michael to nip in and grab a goal. Everyone else seems to be having trouble grasping the concept, but Emile just smiled at me, to show he understands. I can always rely on Emile.

WEDNESDAY. Dioufy can't make it again. He says he is still suffering from a virus, but that he's thinking about the game at all times. I really do admire that boy's attitude. Some of the boys requested that we do some work on corners and free kicks today, but I told them that, at this stage in their progression, it is far more important to work on our fluidity. So, instead, we staged a full practice match and I discovered not only that Danny has the makings of a world class centre half, but also that Djimi, with his raw pace, might be worth a try on the wing some day. Have made a note of it, maybe to Try in the Uefa cup next season. Phil returned from his scouting trip today. I'm saving the club so much namley by only using the Eurostar for these excursions, I just know Rick will be pleased. Phil tells me he's seen an exciting player in a match between Monaco and St. Etienne. Etienne lost 6-1, but apparently they have a young midfielder with a tough tackle, and an eye for a pass. Could be the next Patrick Vieira. I've sent Phil back straightaway to see how many positions the lad can play. I've a feeling he might be useful back-up for Dioufy. Caught Stephanie looking at me darkly today. You'd think that since I a the only manager to ever put him in his natural position, he'd be a little more grateful. Got home to find a big bouquet of flowers on my doorstep, from 'E'. Have no idea who this might be, but they've brightened the place up much more than those dusty pictures of Zinedine. He never calls anymore.

THURSDAY. Still no sign of Salif, although I'm sure I saw him running through the background on the news last night, wearing that underwear I'm missing. Got a phonecall from police in Spain to say that they found Dioufy asleep in a car park in Barcelona. Looks like he's been out there for the whole week clubbing. I have to say, I'm a little disappointed with his attitude, but I know it's out of character, and when I see him I'll let him know that his place in the squad is safe. I always expected him to reach a plateau about now anyway. An agent representing someone called Joaquin called me today to say that his client might be interested in a move to Liverpool. Have to say, I'm very angry that people are trying to unsettle Danny and Dioufy. Put the phone down on him. Lively training today though, and I would say Michael is about 67.4% sharp now. He'll be banging in the goals soon enough. Emile scored one as well, but started to cry when Steven said 'about time too'. I gave him a cuddle and he asked if he could come over for Dinner to discuss his future. Unfortunately, I have plans with the wife tonight, so I had to say no. He looked so sad.

FRIDAY. Let the boys relax today. The champions league will be decided soon, and I don't want my poor lambs mentally burnt out before the end of the season. Caught Jamie turning Sky sports on, and only just stopped him before everyone else saw. I can't have my boys listening to any of the nasty lies those 'news' channels churn out. A letter arrived today addressed to 'M. O'Neill'. Very strange indeed, but Rick said it must just be a fault with the postal system. Salif finally turned up for training, but spent most of the day sat in corner muttering to himself, and giggling. Steven says he's crazy, but I'm glad I bought him - a dressing room needs some character, and Salif lightens the place up a lot. Told the boys my team selection for tomorrow, and they were so supportive, all just silently agreeing with me. It's so nice to run a club with no dissent whatsoever. I've decided to give young Anthony's left foot another try tomorrow. He has the makings of an excellent left winger. Told the boys to get an early night in preparation for the big game tomorrow. Although I never like to focus too much on the opposition, I have told my boys to approach the game with total caution. They may be 4th from bottom, but I can see what talent they have, and they might even make a late surge for our precious, our champions league spot. We need to be focused. SATURDAY I cannot write anything today. I am so angry with that linesman. Emile came off the pitch in tears again. How are we supposed to progress if nobody will stop attacking my poor players?

SUNDAY Spent the morning reading the reports of yesterday's game. Wild overexaggeration, as always. Cannot for the life of me underst... [reply] [Complain about this post]


Diaries Found! spencer pritchard - 39th post - 21 Apr 2004 13:34
Subject: THE GARY NEVILLE DIARIES
Friday Put the cones out for Sir today and he glanced at me. Made me feel special. He never looks at Phil like that. Told Mum and she said I have to share but that's not fair because I got to the cones first. Moustache looks a bit thicker today.

Saturday Won today but I didn't play :-( Watched MUTV all night to see whether Sir said he missed me. Am sure they edited it out. Hung out with Rio until he told me to 'go away innit'. Will tell Sir tomorrow. Deffo not a penalty today - gave that girl Boa Morte a nasty stare after the game to let him know that I know. Man in wheelchair laughed at my moustache. Cried myself to sleep.

Sunday Took Sir an apple. But Weasley :-) gave him a bottle of red wine so he'll probably play on Tuesday. Creep. Went to Mum's for dinner but she tried to make me eat sprouts and then laughed when I banged my fists on the kitchen lino. She won't laugh again. Read Sir's book in bed. Coloured in moustache with marker. Looks manly.

Monday Rained at training. Marker wasn't permanent.

Tuesday (early) Playing tonight so was definitely worth washing bibs for Sir. Looked at papers and I was in them again! Will put in scrapbook. So glad said Porto don't act like men. Am really getting good at this mind games business. Photo on back of The Sun made my moustache look thin but Mum says it's just the ink. She says I look handsome.

Tuesday (late) Not fair. Not fair. Not fair. It was a goal and we should have won and someone pushed me and someone tried to hurt Ronaldo and the girls dived on the floor and the referee blew the whistle before we could score and they celebrated in front of OUR fans and that made me so angry but I had to go and tell the TV that they deserved it (they didn't and I had my fingers crossed. Ha!). It's just not fair because we're the best team in the whole wide world. Have given Philip a Chinese burn for that free-kick and told Sir to sell him.

Wednesday Sir not happy today. He didn't even cheer up when I gave him my drawing. Wonder if he'll put it on his fridge with the others? Saw a small boy laughing at me so held him down until he said that Manchester United were the best team in the whole wide world. Feel better now. Bought some Re-Gane and put on top lip. Can't wait until the morning to see my bushy, manly 'tache.

Thursday Phoned David to ask him to ask Elton about hair transplants. He said he was, "too busy preparing for the quarter-finals of the Champions League". Am going to tell Sir and then I'm going to fly to Spain and then hold him down until he says that Manchester United are the best team in the whole wide world. And I'm going to take back the Man United sovereign ring I sent him for Christmas. Update: Mum says I can't go to Spain.

Monday Still can't believe he sent those text messages to yukky girls too. Everyone knows girls smell. Have been crying every night for a week. Told Mum it was Phil's fault and she made him stand in the corner. Even when his wife was there. Ha. Still got one text message from him. The special one - 'I'm going to hold you down and **** your *******'. Later: Have looked in Mum's crossword dictionary. Thicko spelt 'shave' and 'moustache' wrong.

Tuesday "And the ball falls to the brilliant Gary Neville with his lovely thick moustache and he makes no mistake and lashes home the ball. The crowd go wild - there's nobody these Old Trafford fans love more than Gary Neville...And there's Sir Alex Ferguson with a tear in his eye. He loves Gary and his thick moustache like a son..." Sir even patted me on the back and said 'Well done, Phil'. Bet Rebecca 'Stinky' Loos(ha) couldn't score against Leicester.

Wednesday Gave Sir the tea cosy I knitted to match the doilies. Think he liked it because I saw him smile when he showed it to Keano. Maybe I should do one for him too. In green :-) Then maybe he won't tie my shoelaces together again :-( Went to Mum's for tea. Ran the length of the kitchen to appeal her decision to let Phil lick out the cake bowl. Made Mum cry but at least I got to lick out the bowl! Moustache definitely looks thicker today.

Thursday Said 'howdy' to Tim in training and he told me to '****ing **** off you little ****'. Said 'yo' to Rio and he said exactly the same. Maybe this Tourettes thing is spreading. Would tell Sir but think he's got it too. Saw 'Stinky' Loos on TV. She looks really smelly. Tried to draw a little moustache (not mustach, thicko) on her face but she kept moving. Update: This marker was permanent. Mum says I need to buy her a new TV.

Friday Not fair, not fair, not fair. Graham Poll is in the papers saying I'm a diver but Mum says I can't call The Sun and say he's got a big bum. It's not fair because he started it. And he has got a big bum.

Saturday "And the ball falls to the brilliant Gary Neville with his lovely thick moustache and he tries an audacious overhead kick. Is nothing beyond the talents of Old Trafford's favourite son? But a cheating, handballing nobody who plays for a nothing team pushes the ball over the bar to deny brave Neville, his thick moustache and the greatest team in the whole wide world yet another goal..." The referee didn't crack like Mum did. He didn't even cry. Gave Matt 'Who?' Taylor my nastiest glare after the game. And then I saw his Mum and glared at her too. His Dad was bigger than me so stopped there.

Sunday There's another yukky girl in the papers telling yukky stories about how yukky David made her feel so yucking special. How can he do this to me? Watched a programme about skin grafts - they take the skin from a place that nobody sees and put it in the place where you need the skin. Has given me an idea about thickening my moustache...

Following on from Gary Neville........

Gerard Houllier's diary.................................. SUNDAY: Spent the morning reading the reports of yesterday's game. Wild overexaggeration, as always. Cannot for the life of me understand the phrases they throw at me. What is this nonsense about consistency? Workrate? Goals? Made a note to tell the press that these are exactly the attributes I have instilled in my team. Once I point it out to them, I'm sure they'll see what I mean. At least the real fans are with me. They know what I'm trying to achieve here. Received a phonecall from Kirky. Apparently, he broke his thumb on the TV remote last night. Have told him not to worry. His England chance will Come eventually. Caught Salif rummaging through my bins again. Tried to grab him, but he ran away. Seemed to be giggling uncontrollably.

MONDAY: Dioufy rang in first thing. He says he's too busy to train today. I'm a little disappointed, but he's promised that his performance won't Be affected. The boys played some five-a-side, and all looked very sharp. Milan hit the back of the net with every shot, and I've promised him that, as long as he works hard on his tackling, I'll find a position in the team for him shortly. Emile gave me a nice chocolate bar after training. He told me he was worried about his lack of goals in training. I gave him a big cuddle, and he left smiling. I'm so proud of my boys.

TUESDAY Dioufy rang in first thing. Apparently he is feeling a bit sick, so he can't come in. It must be bad, I'm sure I could hear the voices of two nurses in the background. Told the boys to practice their penalties in training today. Steven hit the target every time. He'll make useful back-up if ever Michael is injured. Followed that with some endurance running. It's amazing how fit these players are, almost as if they hadn't put in any effort in the last match. Unfortunately, Danny didn't complete the course after running into a letterbox. Says he didn't see it at all, which is a little confusing. I'm hopeful he'll be OK for the match on Saturday though. Gave the boys a tactical lesson in the afternoon. It's a pleasure to see their brows so furrowed in concentration. Devised a cunning ploy to confuse the opposition. Have told Sami to kick the ball long to Emile, and Emile to bluff defences by NOT jumping for it. In the ensuing confusion, it'll be easy for Michael to nip in and grab a goal. Everyone else seems to be having trouble grasping the concept, but Emile just smiled at me, to show he understands. I can always rely on Emile.

WEDNESDAY. Dioufy can't make it again. He says he is still suffering from a virus, but that he's thinking about the game at all times. I really do admire that boy's attitude. Some of the boys requested that we do some work on corners and free kicks today, but I told them that, at this stage in their progression, it is far more important to work on our fluidity. So, instead, we staged a full practice match and I discovered not only that Danny has the makings of a world class centre half, but also that Djimi, with his raw pace, might be worth a try on the wing some day. Have made a note of it, maybe to Try in the Uefa cup next season. Phil returned from his scouting trip today. I'm saving the club so much namley by only using the Eurostar for these excursions, I just know Rick will be pleased. Phil tells me he's seen an exciting player in a match between Monaco and St. Etienne. Etienne lost 6-1, but apparently they have a young midfielder with a tough tackle, and an eye for a pass. Could be the next Patrick Vieira. I've sent Phil back straightaway to see how many positions the lad can play. I've a feeling he might be useful back-up for Dioufy. Caught Stephanie looking at me darkly today. You'd think that since I a the only manager to ever put him in his natural position, he'd be a little more grateful. Got home to find a big bouquet of flowers on my doorstep, from 'E'. Have no idea who this might be, but they've brightened the place up much more than those dusty pictures of Zinedine. He never calls anymore.

THURSDAY. Still no sign of Salif, although I'm sure I saw him running through the background on the news last night, wearing that underwear I'm missing. Got a phonecall from police in Spain to say that they found Dioufy asleep in a car park in Barcelona. Looks like he's been out there for the whole week clubbing. I have to say, I'm a little disappointed with his attitude, but I know it's out of character, and when I see him I'll let him know that his place in the squad is safe. I always expected him to reach a plateau about now anyway. An agent representing someone called Joaquin called me today to say that his client might be interested in a move to Liverpool. Have to say, I'm very angry that people are trying to unsettle Danny and Dioufy. Put the phone down on him. Lively training today though, and I would say Michael is about 67.4% sharp now. He'll be banging in the goals soon enough. Emile scored one as well, but started to cry when Steven said 'about time too'. I gave him a cuddle and he asked if he could come over for Dinner to discuss his future. Unfortunately, I have plans with the wife tonight, so I had to say no. He looked so sad.

FRIDAY. Let the boys relax today. The champions league will be decided soon, and I don't want my poor lambs mentally burnt out before the end of the season. Caught Jamie turning Sky sports on, and only just stopped him before everyone else saw. I can't have my boys listening to any of the nasty lies those 'news' channels churn out. A letter arrived today addressed to 'M. O'Neill'. Very strange indeed, but Rick said it must just be a fault with the postal system. Salif finally turned up for training, but spent most of the day sat in corner muttering to himself, and giggling. Steven says he's crazy, but I'm glad I bought him - a dressing room needs some character, and Salif lightens the place up a lot. Told the boys my team selection for tomorrow, and they were so supportive, all just silently agreeing with me. It's so nice to run a club with no dissent whatsoever. I've decided to give young Anthony's left foot another try tomorrow. He has the makings of an excellent left winger. Told the boys to get an early night in preparation for the big game tomorrow. Although I never like to focus too much on the opposition, I have told my boys to approach the game with total caution. They may be 4th from bottom, but I can see what talent they have, and they might even make a late surge for our precious, our champions league spot. We need to be focused. SATURDAY I cannot write anything today. I am so angry with that linesman. Emile came off the pitch in tears again. How are we supposed to progress if nobody will stop attacking my poor players?

Poo I've been grondied again. Can I actually publish any of my jokes on here?

OK, it's not a joke but it made me laugh......


Mary had a little lamb,
She tied it to a pylon,
A thousand volts went up it's bum,
And turned it's wool to nylon!

For those of you not familiar with the Darwin awards, they are awarded annually for the most extreme acts of (occasionally terminal) stupidity - they are now in for 2003:
not sure if it quilified for this years but

A robber threw a brick at a atm machine brick bounced back, hit man's forehead, man tried to examine it on the video screen

What's so funny about stating the obvious?

OOPS! I read Loni's post wrong, she said she was sane. Sure she is.

why did the dead baby cross the road?


Ha! It was stapled to the chicken!!!

LOL!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH
AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand
her at all.

Also from the inbox. Enjoy!


Today is once again Friday. And this week was a fairly quiet, uneventful week, which reminds me of the time I borrowed a friend’s Harley-Davidson and went for a short ride...

I was on a slow cruise through a very nice neighborhood with green lawns and almost no traffic. As I approached a parked car, a brown, furry missile shot out from under the car and stopped in the road right in front of me.

It was a squirrel, and it must have been trying to cross the road. I wasn’t moving very fast, but I had little time to turn. I had started to lean the bike in order to avoid the furry beastie when I noticed that it didn’t look like a normal squirrel; it looked like the squirrel from the movie ’Ice Age’. And this squirrel, I discovered, could take care of itself. As I started to swerve, the squirrel screamed and jumped straight up. The leap was nothing short of spectacular; and the squirrel flew right over my short windshield and landed on my chest.

Instantly, I was set upon by a snarling, hissing squirrel. I was wearing a T-shirt, jeans and riding gloves; so, I was annoyed because that fuzzy tornado was doing some real damage.

I grabbed for the squirrel with my left hand and managed to snag the tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left, which should have ended the matter. The squirrel should have sailed into one of the yards and gone on about its business.

In mid-zoom, the squirrel decided I hadn't had enough because it caught my gloved finger in its teeth; and, with the force of my throw, swung around and landed on my back where it immediately resumed its antisocial behavior. It was not able to bite me because it still had my glove, clenched firmly in its teeth. The squirrel attack continued, only now I could not reach the little dervish. I now had only one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my spastic movements, unfortunately, put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle.

A healthy twist on the throttle of a Harley at low speed has one result. The engine roared, and the front wheel left the pavement. The surprised squirrel shrieked and dropped my glove. The bike thundered in ecstasy. I simply screamed in panic.

I slapped my other hand back on the handlebars, and I manage to release the throttle. As I regained control of the machine, the squirrel decided I was still not paying sufficient attention to it, and it darted around my neck and sank its teeth into my nose. The squirrel had now managed to get my full attention as it growled, and we glared at each other from short range. Well, it glared. I didn’t glare as much because my eyes were watering due to the fact that its teeth were sharp, and my nose was firmly in between them. Witnesses later testified that the sounds emanating from me at this point were not human. The squirrel and I eyed each other for about a millisecond before I grabbed the tail, yanked it off my face and tossed it to the left as hard as I could. An unimportant piece of my nose went along with the squirrel.

Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly, a blur thunders by, a blur of a Harley with the rider dressed in jeans and a badly torn T-shirt; the rider has only one glove on. And as the side-show roars by, the man throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.

I skidded to a halt at the next cross street, and I looked back.

The two police officers did not seem the slightest bit interested in me at the moment. The doors on both sides of the patrol car were wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, moving as quickly as possible away from the car. His hat was on crooked, and a small bite had been taken out of the brim. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own squad car. The inside of the car looked as if someone had taken about five pounds of packing peanuts and shoved an air hose into the center of the pile.

The shredding of the patrol car continued as pieces of foam and upholstery erupted from the back seat. I could have sworn that the squirrel shook its fist at me. I took a deep breath, made a gentle right turn and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a lot of Band-Aids.

Here is a silly rhyme, which is funny in a dumb kind of way.

Hello, operator. Get me number nine. Someone in the bathtub is scrubbing their...
Behind the refridgerator is a peice of glass, if you step upon it, you'll break your little...
Ask me no questions, no answers I will tell.

That's all I've got, but I thought it would be fun to resurrect this thread.

Your squirrel story reminds me of an unlikely event which actually happened to one of my mates a few years ago.

A group of us were returning from a sea angling trip when a small fluffy animal was spotted in the water ahead of the boat. On closer examination it was seen to be a squirrel, apparently heading desparately towards a small island in the river which sported a lone, stunted tree. Believing the poor animal was close to drowning, the decent thing was done, and the said creature was caught in a fish basket. The boat was then turned around, and taken to a stretch of the river bank where a profusion of bushes and trees were growing.

After wading ashore, a couple of the lads tried to gently tip the squirrel out of the basket onto a tree branch. No, it wasn't having it. It wouldn't come out. Wary of savage teeth, one of them then applied a bit more force in tipping the creature out by giving the basket a bit of a shake. Still no joy. On then giving the basket a hefty swing, followed by a sudden stop, they described the squirrel as "clinging to the bottom of the basket with all four paws in a spread-eagled fashion." Apparently, it was quite at home in the fish basket and did not want to come out.

Realizing there was no other option, one of my mates then exclaimed, "What we scared of, it's only a d*mned squirrel?" and bravely took hold of the wee beastie. At which point it savaged his finger and would not let go. In fact it took some vigourous shaking and cursing before it finally came off, along with a nasty strip of flesh.

More concerned now for my mate's welfare, the boat was boarded once more and pointed in the direction of the local hospital were some stitches were later required. And what was seen a few minutes later as the boat was turned around. Yes, a damp squirrel with a determined expression on its face, swimming desparately towards a small island in the middle of the river. My mate was not amused (although everyone else was).

Boys! For heavens sake! Print out the above post NOW and make sure you know it by heart. It will save you A LOT of trouble!