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Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. Ruth, in the passenger seat, thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection. The light was red and, again, they went right through. This time, Ruth was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay closer attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and they blew right through it.
She turned to the driver and said, "Mildred! Did you know that you ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh Shoot! Am I driving?"
CHEEKY BUT FUNNY!
In an attempt to influence the members of the International Olympic
Committee on their choice of venue for the games in 2008, the
organisers of Liverpool's bid have already drawn up an itinerary and
schedule of events.
A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below.
The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native
of The city, wearing the traditional costume Of shell suit, baseball
cap and balaclava mask. It will burn for the duration of the games in
a large chip van situated on the roof of the stadium.
In previous Olympic games, Liverpool's competitors have not been
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.
Sprint competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave
oven one under each arm and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police
dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
100 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles e.g. car bonnets, hedges, garden
fences, walls etc.
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to
use(claw, sledge etc.). The winner will be the one who can cause the
most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and
jewellery as possible in 5 minutes.
A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The
target will be a moving police van. In the second round, the
competitors will aim at a post clerks, a bank teller or a wages
Entry to this event will be restricted to husband and wife teams and
will take place on a Friday night The husband will be given 15 pints of
Tennents while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he
gets home. The bout will then commence.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and
take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the
country on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.
As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the
Australian rugby team who will witness the theft.
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy
riding and arson.
Competitors will be thrown off the Pier Head into the Mersey and the
first three survivors back will decide the medals.
MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot
Guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Liverpool.
THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by the members of
the Liverpool Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners,
synchronised brick throwing. The Olympic flame will be extinguished by
someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the top
floor of the block of flats next to the stadium. The stadium will then be
boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all of the
copper piping and the central heating boiler.
Try these: (If they haven't apeared here before.)
Did ya ever wonder ?
(1) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?
(2) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
(3) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
(4) If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
(5) Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
(6) If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix the hole in the boat?
(7) Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
(8) Why are Trix only for kids?
(9) If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?
(10) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
(11) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? (eeeyeewww!)
(12) If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?
(13) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
(14) If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
(14) Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
(16) Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? (Did you even know that?)
(17) Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Oysters on the outside looks like a rock, on the inside looks like snot. Not appatising in either case.
Half the class was gone to an assembly, so he asked the rest to make double, so that when the other half returns, the dough would be ready. So a kid comes up to him all scared and all:
-Mr. i don't know how to make it double.
-It's simple, just double the stuff, instead of 5spoons, put 10, instead of 250ml, put 500.
So everything was going on fine, then, that same kid came up to him:
-Mr. there's one problem, I can't get the oven up to 800.
And speaking of dumb blonds:
"GOD LOVES BLONDES"
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well.
Please let me win the Lotto."
Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays..."God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car.
My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the Lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself..."Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket!"
I'v got an other joke, this isn't one of the teachers storys though.
A french, an English, and an Indian go to the Grand Canion. Their tour guide tells them that if they scream something out, they'll hear an echo.
So the French goes "oui" and hears "oui,oui,oui".
Then the English goes "hey" and hears "hey,hey,hey".
Then the Indian goes "Kalimantiraliouse" and hears "what,what,what"
(I'm extreemely sorry if this is offensive to anyone)
There, thats it,,,
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronized with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's okay to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008, 58008, 710.77345 and 710.0553 into a calculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
9) Everyone during the summer holidays, has that dream when they go into school wearing nothing but a vest.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) It's impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.(we used to herd the sheep in at my school but that's another story)
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong!
22) Mum's clean your face with spit!
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You run faster in slippers.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
32) Everyone has an uncle who says if you can get the 50 p out of his hand you can have it.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Mother's love giving ther children bad hair cuts.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
The "Stella" awars rank up there with the Darwin awards. In 1994, a New Mexico jury awarded $2.9 million in damages to 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who suffered third-degree burns to her legs, groin, and buttocks after spilling a cup of McDonalds coffee on herself. This case inspired an annual award - The "Stella" Award - for the most frivolous lawsuit in the U.S. The ones listed below are clear candidates. All these cases are verging on the outright ridiculous and yet (in the good old USA) with the right attorney you could win anything!
1. January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little brat was Ms. Robertson's son.
2. June 1998: A 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car, when he ws trying to steal his neigbor's hubcaps.
3. October 1998: A Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and the garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars.
4. October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in it's owner's fenced-in yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a BB gun.
5. May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
6. December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occured while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
And the winner is:
Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City. In November 2000 Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32 foot Winniebago motor home. On his first trip home, having joined the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly the Winniebago left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the handbook that he couldn't actually do this. He was awarded $1,750,000 plus a new Winniebago. (Winniebago actually changed their handbooks on the back of this court case, just in case there are any other complete morons buying their vehicles.)
I thought you guys might like this and if it's already been posted, I'm really very sorry.
Okay this isn`t a joke but I`ll bet you`ll do what I think you`ll do.
Did you know that not one human can lick their elbow?
I`ll reply 2moro because there`s an additional part.
[Edited on 28/1/2003 by Sheryl]
I'm just wondering, is it true? or is it just a prank? or is it both?
LOL,still can't get over it
1) lick your finger.
2) touch spit covered finger to elbow
anyways, i'm still trying the other way,,, like it's sooooo funny,,,
anywyas, that's about all
Anyways, i got an other joke-
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing Satan's bickering. Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test which will take two hours and then, Satan, you'll have proof of who does the better job." So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They made cards. They did every known job. But, ten minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed in every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically screaming, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became even more irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it??" God shrugged and said, "Jesus Saves."
Do you know why a diver always tumbles backwards into the water?
If he'd tumble forwards, he'd tumble into the boat.
Anyways- i bet it's a good joke, probobly just me
Found this, and it gave me a few laughs. It's called 'Galadriel's Inbox'. It's clean, but I can't vouch for other stories on this website.
canoe help me with my homework?
Edited by Mommy Mellie
[Edited on 2/2/2003 by MelliotSandybanks]
Nice one FrogBoy- That was really funny,,,
Enjoyed those 2,, ROFLMAO(not quite since i can't laught my a** off, but really close)
[Edited on 2/2/2003 by Valedhelgwath]
I REALLY liked your story about the gay flight attendant!
I also enjoyed the girlpower-jokes, just my kind! Keep them coming!
’ You've gone through this list occasionally saying "That wasn't from the 80's"
’ You wore like 8 pairs of socks at once, scrunched down
’ You wore a pony tail to the side of your head
’ You can sing the rap to "the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air"
OMG!!! This is just TOO much! LOL!!
And to think that I acctually DID these things! :elfembar:
First class, what a spaz, drinking orange juice out of a champagne glass.
Eagles may soar high, but weasels don't get stuck in jet engines.
Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency o my part.
There may be no "I" in team, but there's a "ME" if you look har ennough.
Process and procedure are the last hidding place of people without the wit to do thier job properly.
Remeber that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability.
Never do today that which will become someone elses responsibilty tomorrow.
Every time you open your mouth you have this wonderful ability to continually confirm what I think.
Show me a good loser and I'll show you a LOSER!
Put the key of despair into the lock of apathy. thurn the knob of mediocrity slowly and open the gates of despondency - welcome to a day in the average office.
It's the team that matters. Where would the Beatles be without Ringo? If John got Yoko to play the drums the history of music would be completely different.
What does a squirrel do in the summer? It buries nuts. Why? Cos in the winter time he's got something to eat and he won't die. So, collecting uts in the summer is worthwhile work. Every task you do at work, think: would a squirrel do that? Think squirrels. Think nuts.
A successful team is paramount. Our office team mirrors the success of Arsenal football team, but with less foreigners.
When confrunted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, How would the Lone Ranger handle this?
If you can keep your head when all around you have lost thiers, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation.
You don't have to be mad to work here, in fact we ask you to complete a medical questionnaire to ensure that you are not.
If you treat the people around you with love and respect, they will never guess that you're trying to get them sacked.
If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.
You have to be 100% behind someone before you can stab them in the back.
If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.
Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who do.
If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in gaol.
There's no "I" in team. But then again there's no "I" in "useless smug colleague", either. And there are four in "platitude-quoting idiot". GO figure
Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.
Know your limitaions and be content with them. Too much ambition results in promotion to a job you can't do.
Make good use of your cylinrical filling unit, the one you mainly keep under oyur desk.
Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots.
If you're going to be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes - make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast.
Remember the three golden rules:
1. It was like that when I got here.
2. I didn't do it.
3. (To your boss) I like your style.
The office is like an army, and I'm the field general. You're my foot soldiers and customer quality is the WAR!!!
Set out to leave the first vapour trail in the blue-sky scenario.
Statistics are like a lamp-post to a drunken man - more for leaning on than for illumination.
A problem shared is a problem halved, so is your problem really yours or just half of someone elses?
Is your work done? Are all pigs fed, watered and ready to fly...?
You don't have to be mad to work here, but you do have to be on time, well-presented, a team player, customer service focused and sober!
I tought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some b*****D with a torch, bringing me more work.
Avoid unlucky people - throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them.
Moses, Jesus, and a strange old man are playing golf one day.
Moses walks up to the tee, takes a calculated shot and hits his ball and it goes into the water. Undisturbed by this, Moses steps forward and raises his club in the air. The pond waters part, Moses walks through the pond bed on dry land, finds the ball, and plays it from there. Moses finishes the hole in 4 strokes. He raises his club when he's finished and closes the water of the pond.
Jesus says "That's pretty good, Moses, let me take a crack at this golf thing." And with that Jesus steps up to the tee, and aims carefully as well...but like Moses, his ball heads directly for the pond. Jesus raises his hand toward the ball, and just before breaking the surface, the golf ball stops and hovers over the water. Jesus calmly steps out onto the water and walks out to the ball, where he takes his second stroke and sends the ball up to the next green 4 inches from the hole. With a simple putt, Jesus finishes the hole in 3 strokes.
The old man sees all this and watches without a word. Still silent, he walks up calmly to the tee and whacks the ball with random unconcern. The ball ricochets off a tree and then gets caught, like a rock in a slingshot, on a nearby power line, flinging it up into the air. The whizzing ball is caught by a bird who drops it on to a car windshield on the highway below...and the ball rolls off the road where a frog picks it up in the ditch. Another bird sees the hopping frog, picks up the frog and the ball, and drops the ball just over the next green. The ball rolls to a stop just millimeters from the hole. Suddenly a gust of wind picks up and blows the ball right into the hole.
Jesus, who had been watching all this, couldn't believe his eyes, he had just witnessed a hole in one, and not only that, it was the most unconventional hole in one in history. But Moses, unfazed, shook his head and looked at Jesus, saying..."Y'KNOW? I hate playing with your dad!!"
Thanks, I'm glad you liked it!
Um. Grondy? The 500 lb. gorilla? or is this the same kind of thing as how do you keep a moron busy for hours? (flip card)
how do you keep a moron busy for hours?
Put them in a round room and tell them to go sit in the corner.
asking a bald bloke if you can borrow his comb.
putting a bomb under a wheel chair and telling the ocupant to run.
peeing through a letter box and asking how far it went.
throwing a brik through a window and asking for it back.
Q: Where on the bus should the 500 pound gorilla sit?
A: Anywhere it wants.
This guy went golfing and he had to wait for the previous foursome to tee off before he could also start. He noticed one the these other players was a gorilla who placed his ball on the tee, addressed the ball, took a practice swing and drove the ball 500 yards right down the middle of the fairway with a beautiful swing and follow through. At the next hole he again had to wait for them to tee off, and seeing the gorilla duplicate his beautiful swing and 500 yard drive, couldn't restrain his curiosity and asked another of the foursome, "How are his putts?" To which the answer was, "Just like his drives, 500 yards."
Well, I thought it was funny, but probably didn't do it justice, as I'm not much of a joke teller.
Ok heres an old riddle:
What's long and thin, covered in skin, red in parts and goes in Tarts?
Ross and Grondy, I don't get either one of those jokes.
Anyway, I have a link to share with everyone that I found while I was sending ecards for Valentine's Day. These two fellas are truly profound thinkers and I think we all can learn something from them.
ENJOY! and Happy Valentine's Day everyone!
Okay, how about if he was playing in a foursome against the gorilla; and he always gave each of the holes to the gorilla as they were always less than a foot away from the cup, this toward saving time, instead of making him play the holes out. And then at the end he asked, 'How does he putt?'
Would that make for a better joke?
Dormitory = Dirty Room
Evangelist = Evil's Agent
Desperation = A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code = Here Come Dot
Slot Machines = Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity = Is No Amity
Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness = Genuine Class
Semolina = Is No Meal
A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one
Contradiction = Accord not in it
The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet
Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler
[Edited on 2/17/2003 by ProgHead777]