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"Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers"
"Iraqi Head Seeks Arms"
"Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?"
"Prostitutes Appeal to Pope"
"Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over"
"Teacher Strikes Idle Kids"
"Miners Refuse to Work After Death"
"Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant"
"War Dims Hope for Peace"
"If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile"
"Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures"
"Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges"
"Typhoon Rips Through Cemetary; Hundreds Dead"
"Man Struck By Lightening Faces Battery Charge"
"New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group"
"Astro! naut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft"
"Kids Make Nutritious Snacks"
"Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy"
"Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half"
"Hospitals Sued by 7 Foot Doctors"
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad.Or my older brother Colin Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The Other one says "so are you, you fat b*stard"
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out:'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an ice-cream' He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.'He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?',I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said (campily) 'Make your mind up.'
"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'"
Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says"I'll give you some cream to put on it."
He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.
And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please? ' And a voice said 'You are.'
"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"
So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree.And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you? And I said 'I careered off the road.'
To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
You can have two or three of them for your latest funnies, Ross.
I have another golf one. You'd never guess that I hate the sport of golf.
Two friends, one a Jewish Rabbi and one a Catholic priest, were both avid golfers and enjoyed the competition between themselves that spurred them each to play his best...and teasing each other and bragging about their golf games. The priest calls the rabbi one Saturday afternoon and says..."I'm skipping church tomorrow to play some golf, wanna come along?"
The rabbi is concerned and says, "Well, I have no plans tomorrow, Father, but YOU, you are supposed to be delivering MASS. Certainly you can't just leave your parish to wander spiritually all week just so you can play golf?"
But the priest says, "Well, Rabbi, I've been working very hard and I just want a day off. I'll tell the Monsignor I'm sick! He will fill in for me, and so my parishioners will not suffer needlessly and we'll make a day of it."
The Rabbi is not a judgmental man so he says, "I suppose this matter is none of my business...but between you and God. I will play golf with you tomorrow."
The next day rolls around and the two clergy meet on the first green to begin their golf game. The weather is beautiful and both men play extremely well. But on the 8th hole, the Priest makes a HOLE IN ONE!
The Rabbi tries to conceal his fury (and jealousy) and does a pretty good job until he gets home that night...where at the side of his bed he bows his head humbly and prays...
"LORD! I have long served you faithfully and have always been comforted in knowing that you are a JUST and RIGHTEOUS God. I, for example, have never shunned my duties in Temple for such a frivolous thing as a golf game. And I would not lie to my superiors to do so. LORD? If I may ask? Are you SURE you are being fair this time? For it was my friend the priest who has done these things and yet you BLESS HIM with a hole in one today!"
Suddenly there is a bolt of lightning and the Rabbi's whole house shakes with the wrath of an ANGRY God.
"SILENCE!" comes a voice out of the sky. "Rabbi, I am indeed a just God. For you are correct that the priest has committed these sins and still played the most admirable golf game of his life! And now I ask you this: "TO WHOM CAN HE BRAG?"
part for the family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left
leg in..... and then the trouble started.
Ona day a vicar and his friend, who wasn't particularly good, were playing golf. On the very first hole, the man was playing quite well, however, and was left with an easy puttto finish. He spent a long time aiming and when he hit it, it rolled straight past the hole.
'Damn, missed,' he said
'Please,' asked the vicar, annoyed, 'don't swear.'
So they played a couple more holes and the man found himself in almost exactly the same position, and, being not very good, missed again.
The vicar was really annoyed now, 'Listen, if you swear once more, God will strike you down with a bolt of lightning.'
They played on, and when he teed off on the very next hole, the man hit an almighty drive, which sailed directly towards the hole.
'Looks like a hole in one to me,' he said, obviously very pleased with himself, but instead, the ball landed just next to the hole. 'Damn, missed,' said the man.
'What did I tell you?' said the vicar, and just as he had said, the heavens opened and a lightning bolt came down. The man closed his eyes, unable to look. When he opened them again, the vicar was nothing but a charred heap on the ground.
Then a great voice boomed from on high, 'Damn, missed.'
This guy walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
The bartender asks,"What's his name?" The guy replies,"Tiny." The bartender then asks,"Why's his name Tiny?" The guy says," Coz he's my newt!"
1. How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit? Unique Up
2. How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit? Tame Way,
Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho
4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell
Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice
too Long? Polaroids
7. What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't
work? A Stick.
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In
Quicksand? Quatro Sinko.
11. What Do You Get >From A Pampered Cow?
12. What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman
With A Vampire? Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And
Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And
Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef!
15. Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs? Right
Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because
They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The
19. What Is The Difference Between A Harley And
A Hoover? The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer
And A Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are A Texas Tornado And A Tennessee
Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.....
When its a chicken.
Am I missing something in this last joke?
When is a dove not a dove? Maybe, "When it's a squab" would make more sense, because "When it's a chicken" won't cut it. Okay somebody can now point out the obvious and make me the one with egg on his face, please. :elfembar:
Meanwhile: When is a door not a door? When it's a window just won't work. The answer just begs to be "When it's a jar. (ajar = partly open)"
Did you hear about the irishman with two left feet?
He went to a shoeshop and asked for a pair of flip-flips.
(apologies to any Irish out there, not intended to offend)
I have one, if you understand American politics you'll know what I mean.
During the transition between George W Bush and Bill Clinton, Bush spent considerable time in the white house and oval office, learning his way around, to make the change smoother etc.
One day during all this, GW had to use the potty so he excused himself and took care of his business...and later that night in bed, GW said, "Laura (his wife), you'll never believe it. Bill Clinton had the audacity to spend taxpayer money on a solid gold URINAL for the oval office bathroom. It's true! I used it today! Of all the nerve!"
Next day, the First Ladies had lunch together, again in the spirit of passing the torch from Hillary to Laura. They were enjoying an otherwise uneventful meal when Laura comments..."Hillary, my husband says that the oval office is quite elaborate. He was really impressed (she didn't say appalled) by the solid gold urinal in the bathroom. Was that your idea?" Hillary insisted NO...that she had nothing to do with it...and tried to keep a straight face.
Later that night in bed, Hillary says to Bill, "Honey, I found out who peed in your saxophone..."
grondygrondygrondygrondygrondy!!!!! I GET THE 500 LB GORILLA JOKE I REALLY DO IT'S FUNNY CUS THE GORILLA PUTTS FOR 500 YARDS AND NEVER MAKES IT IN UNLESS HE MAKES A HOLE IN ONE BUT YOU'D NEVER TELL HIM THAT HE SUCKS AT GOLF BECAUSE HE'S A MEAN AND STRONG GORILLA AND HE'D KILL YOU IF YOU SAID SOMETHING SO YOU HAVE TO PRETEND THAT HE IS A GOOD GOLFER EVEN THOUGH HE CAN'T PUTT.....right? (gasping)
[Edited on 25/2/2003 by musicimprovedme]
Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game (with their habits partially blocking the view ), three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move. In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100
nuns living there."
The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns living there."
The third guy said,"I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns living there."
One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet calm voice said, "Why don't you go to Hell...... there aren't any Nuns living there."
The pilot swung the plane into the wind and after a rather bumpy ride down the runway, the plane rose just before the end of the runway. As they flew higher and higher the photographer said, "Fly over the north side of the fire," adding, "and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"
The head religious leaders from the local mosque, synagogue, church, and temple are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"
"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.
"Do you think," said one of the clergyman, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"
[Edited on 3/3/2003 by Ross]
One blonde was low on money and thought maybe kidnapping a kid for a ransom would be a good idea. She goes to the park and waves over a child playing. She pins a note on the kid that says:
"I need money. Send your kid back here tomorrow with 10,000 dollars in a paper bag or you will never see him again."
and tells the child to go home and show his mother.
Well, the next day rolls around and the blonde returns to the park where she finds the kid with a paper bag and another note pinned to his shirt. It says:
"Here's your money. I don't know how one blonde could do this to another."
Two blondes are standing on opposite sides of a river. One yells over to the other "How do I get to the other side?" and the other says, "YOU DUMMY, you ARE on the other side!"
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.
When he cried out, God appeared and asked," Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water.
Then God went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" God asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
God again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" he asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
God went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" God asked.
The woodcutter replied," Yes."
God was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happily.
One day while he was walking with his wife along the riverbank, the woodcutter's wife fell into the river.
When he cried out, God again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh God , my wife has fallen into the water!"
God went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" he asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
God was furious. "You cheat! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me God . It is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You will come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones.
Then if I also say 'no' to her, You will come up with my wife, and I will say 'yes,' and then all three will be given to me.
But God , I am a poor man and I will not be able to take care of all three wives, so *that's* why I said 'yes' this time.
The moral of the story is: whenever a man lies it is for an honourable and useful reason.
The moral of the story is: whenever a man lies it is for an honourable and useful reason.
Hmmmmm........I don't know whether I should laugh here, or actually consider this as a possible truth..........
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
[Edited on 9/3/2003 by Rednell]
ORDER FOR BEVERAGES......
I've always ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke,
Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work. Waitresses now often respond, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb."
Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I'd make life easier. So one day I simply asked the snack bar clerk at a movie theater for a "dark, carbonated beverage."
The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, "Sir, would you like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?"
If you are American in the living room what are you in the bathroom?
European. (You're a peein')
A cop pulls over this car and says, "You're the 100th person I've seen today with their seatbelt on, so you get 10,000 dollars." The driver says, "Wow, with that much money I could buy a driver's license." The passenger says, "Don't listen to him, he says things like that when he's drunk." The guy in the back seat says, "I told you we'd never get far in a stolen car." And a voice from the trunk says, "Are we across the border yet?"
"Bad Spellers of the World’Untie!"
A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things.
Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued... and won!
In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24
months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.
This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
ONLY IN AMERICA !!! Sad but true.
Here are the 2002 winners:
12. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
11. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
10. Sorry, it had to be censored by the Council.
9. Giraffiti: Vandalism painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the postAuthorID of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
6. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
5. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit).
4. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
3. Glibido: All talk and no action.
2. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
And, the winner of the Washington Post's Style Invitational:
1. Sorry, it had to be censored by the Council.
Isn't that a song from a film?
The following link will get you to the tune.
Well, there are two couples, and they're very good friends. The guys always go out together on Saturday evenings, and the girls go shopping together and stuff like that. On Sunday morning, the girls call each other. One girl says: "I'm seriously worried about my guy. He came home last night, he smelled of beer and perfume and went to sleep straightaway." The other replies: "You know what? Same thing happened to me. And he snored! Girl you don't wanna know. But you know something else? What they can do, we can do better. Next Saturday, it's girl's night out, and we'll let the guys stay home with the kids." And this they do. They go out all Saturday night, and return home by bike in the early hours, dead drunk of course. They have to pee on their way home (girls, right?), so they get off their bikes and enter a churchyard, both giggling like mad. They don't think anyone's watching, so they just find a spot and pee. But as the one girl gets up, she has some difficulties in finding her underwear again, but eventually she finds it again (she thinks). The other one somehow loses her undies and she's so drunk she doesn't even notice. So they cycle on home. Next morning, the two guys call each other. One guy: "Man, I'm seriously worried about my girl. I think she's cheating on me! Last night she came home, drunk as can be, and she wasn't wearing her underpants!" Other guy replies: "And you're worried? Listen what happened to me. My girl came home last night, in the same state as yours, and she was wearing her underpants, but there was a ribbon in it. It said: "With great love from Michael, Kevin, Andy and Tom."
Harold the Dumb and Deaf David are out in the woods
hunting, when David falls to the ground. He doesn't seem
to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
Harold whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps
to the operator, "My friend looks like he's dead! What
can I do?"
The police operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just
take it easy. I can help...
...First, lets make sure he's dead."
...There is a silence, then a shot is heard...
...Harold then says, "OK, now what?"
This old man and woman were on a cruise and it was really
stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching
the moon when a wave came up and washed the old woman
overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her so
the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise
that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from
the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found
your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her
up to the deck and attached to her was an oyster and inside
it was a pearl worth $50,000...
... please advise".
So the old man faxed back:...
...Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.
In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a
mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The
saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious
piece of pottery.
He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the
cat. "It's not for sale," said the proprietor.
"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and
undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way.
I'll raise my offer to ten dollars."
"It's a deal," said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten
on the spot.
"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the
saucer," said the connoisseur. "The kitten seems so
happy drinking from it." "Nothing doing," said the
"That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far
this week I've sold 34 cats."
A small social club was trying to organize a baseball
team. They could only muster eight players, but finally
found a ninth to play.
In desperation, they called on a new member, an
Englishman, to join their team. During their first
game, the Englishman came to bat. On the first pitch,
he knocked the ball out of the park.
"Run!" his team-mates cried. "For Pete's sake, run!"
The Brit turned and stared at them icily. "I jolly
well shan't run," he replied. "Why should I? I'm
perfectly willing to buy you chaps another ball."
With deep concern, Brian noted that his friend Peter was
far drunker than he'd ever seen him before. He walked over
to the bar and asked, "What's the trouble, buddy?"
"It's a woman." replied Peter. "What else?"
"Tell me about it," coaxed Brian.
"It's your wife." replied Peter
"My wife? What about her?" Asked Brian
Peter turned and looked Brian in the eye and said "Well,
buddy boy, I'm afraid she's cheating on us."
A car breaks down along the expressway one day,
so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder
of the highway. He jumps out of the car, opens
the trunk, and pulls out two men in trench coats.
The men stand behind the car, open up their coats
and start exposing themselves to the oncoming
traffic. This results in one of the worst
pile-ups in history.
When questioned by police why he put two deviates
along the side of the road, the man replied, "I
broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!"
Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at
the public swimming pool. "You're not allowed
to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm
going to report you."
"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.
"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he
can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for
the last 40 years.
The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will have to
tell me the exact words that were used to put
the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation,
"I now pronounce you man and wife."
Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says,
"Did you see that?""No," the second guy says.
"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first
"Oh," says the second guy.
A couple of minutes later, the first guy says, "Did
you see that?"
"See what?" the second guy asks.
"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking
on that hill, over there."
A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see
By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he
says, "Yes, I did!"
And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"
Young Jimmy had to go to the optician's to have
his eyes tested. During the test the optician
asked jimmy to put his right hand over his right
eye. This caused a certain amount of confusion
in the young boy. "Well Ok," said the optician.
"Put your left hand over your right eye." It
didn't help. Jimmy was getting more flustered by
the minute. "Put any hand over any eye," said
the optician in exasperation. With this Jimmy
became so totally confused that he froze in the
An idea struck the optician and he went into the
back room and cut a hole in an empty cornflakes
packet roughly where he thought young Jimmy's eye
ought to be.
Back in his surgery he slipped the packet over
the boy's head. Jimmy began to sob uncontrollably.
"What's the matter? the optician asked.
Jimmy replied through the sobs: "I wanted a
gold rimmed pair like my brother got!"
A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large
amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The
distributor, noticing that the previous bill hadn't been
paid, instructed the collections manager to contact the
The collections manager made the call and left a voice-mail
for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you
pay for the last one."
The next day the collections manager received a collect
phone call from the customer who said, "Please cancel the
order. We can't wait that long."
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog.
His search ended when he found a dog that could actually
walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he
was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a
pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and
his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by.
They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped
into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but
instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never
getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day
long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the
surface of the water to retrieve it.
The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did
not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you
notice anything unusual about my new dog?"
"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."
A gynecologist had a strong desire to change careers and
become an auto-mechanic. So he found out from his local
tech college what was involved, signed up for evening
classes and attended diligently, learning all he could.
Time for the practical exam came around and he prepared
carefully and completed the exam.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find he
had obtained a mark of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I
don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding
result, but I wondered if there had been an error which
The instructor replied, "During the exam, you took the
engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total
mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly,
which is also worth 50% of the mark. Then I gave you an
extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the exhaust
Here in the Kentucky hills, you don't see too many people
hang-gliding. Ol' Zeek decided to save up and get a
hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and
after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight.
He takes off running and reaches the edge and into the
wind he goes!
Meanwhile, Maw & Paw Abner were sittin' on the porch swing,
talkin 'bout the good ol' days when maw spots the biggest
bird she has ever seen!
"Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims.
Paw raises up, "Git my gun, Maw."
Maw runs into the house, brings out his pump action shotgun.
He takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG!
The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the
"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.
"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of ol' Zeek!"
Abe is a new arrival at a retirement community, and is
passing the morning sunning himself on a bench near the
garden. Becky is out for her morning constitutional, spies
Abe, and says "Do you mind?"
"Not at all" Abe says, so Becky sits down on the opposite
end of his bench.
"So, you're new here" says Becky.
"Yes" Abe nods.
"So, where are you from?" asks Becky.
"Washington" Abe answers.
"The state or the capitol?" asks Becky.
"The state" replies Abe.
"So how old are you ? asks Becky.
"I'll be 52 in October.". Abe replies
"What did you do in Washington?" asks Becky.
"I was in prison" Abe says.
"Really!" says Becky, "what did you do?"
"My wife was always asking stupid questions, so I chopped
her up and put her down the garbage disposal" he says.
"Sooo," purrs Becky, "you're single?"
?? Heaviest Element Discovered ??
A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.
This new element has been tentatively named "Administratium."
Administratium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Administratium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Administratium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass."
You will know it when you see it.
Ain't that a beautiful explanation of bureaucracy?
As I read that last one I was so embarrased on ther behalf I acctually blushed!
Keep it going!
How to bathe a cat
1. Thoroughly clean toilet.
2. Lift the lid and add shampo.
3. Find and soothe cat as you carry it to bathroom.
4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close the lid, and stand
on top so the cat cannot escape.
5. The cat will self-agitate and produce ample suds.
(Ignore the ruckus from inside toilet; cat is actually enjoying this.)
6. Flush toilet three or four times. This provides power-rinse, which is quite effective.
7. Stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift the lid.
8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where it will air-dry.
Pippin, The dog
PS: I can also give instructions for removal of tree limbs.
Darn you Rednell! I've got a cold and your bean joke made me laugh so hard I started coughing again and now my ribs hurt.
"Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent."
Answer: a joke:
An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language.
He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked "What gender is a computer"?
The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender, for the following reasons:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they cause the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender for the following reasons:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
What Women Want in a Man
When they first start dating
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. Imaginative, romantic lover
What Women Want in a Man
When they are age 32
1. Nice looking (hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What Women Want in a Man
When they are age 42
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
What Women Want in a Man
When they are age 52
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
What Women Want in a Man
When they are age 62
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
What Women Want in a Man
When they are age 72
2. Doesn't miss the toilet
Forty fun things to do in an elevator:
1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, 'Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!'
2. Whistle the first seven notes of 'It's a Small World' incessantly.
3. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
4. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
6. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: 'Got enough air in there?'
7. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
8. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
9. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
10. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
11. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go 'plink' at the bottom.
12. Do Tai Chi exercises.
13. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: 'I've got new socks on!'
14. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, 'Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!'
15. Meow occasionally.
18. Frown and mutter 'gotta go, gotta go' then sigh and say 'oops!'
19. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
20. Sing 'Mary had a little lamb' while continually pushing buttons.
21. Holler 'Chutes away!' whenever the elevator descends.
22. Leave a box between the doors.
23. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
24. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers 'through' it.
25. Start a sing-along.
26. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask 'is that your beeper?'
27. Play the harmonica.
28. Say 'Ding!' at each floor.
29. Lean against the button panel.
30. Say 'I wonder what all these do' and push the red buttons.
31. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
32. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your 'personal space.'
33. Bring a chair along.
34. Blow spit bubbles.
35. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
36. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
37. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
38. Wear 'X-Ray Specs' and leer suggestively at other passengers.
39. Stare at your thumb and say 'I think it's getting larger.'
40. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler 'Bad touch!'
What do you give a man who already has everything?
A woman to explain how things work.
Why are man like advertising?
You can’t believe a thing they say.
Why did God first create a man before he created a woman?
Every artist makes a rough sketch first.
What’s the difference between a man and a pig?
A pig doesn’t become a man when it drinks.
What’s the difference between going on your own to a bar or going on your own to a circus?
In a circus clowns don’t start a conversation.
Why don’t men have a midlife crisis?
They are stuck in puberty
How does a man practice his abdominal muscles?
Sitting on the beach, retracting his beer belly each time he sees a woman in bikini.
How do men sort laundry?
Dirty/dirty but wearable
What’s the best way to get a man to do something?
Saying he’s too old for it.
Why did Moses travel in the desert for 40 years?
He didn’t want to ask the way.
(Grondy just changed a couple of doesn'ts to don'ts so they didn't distract from the hilarity of the humour.)
[Edited on 16/5/2003 by Grondmaster]
"What's the problem, Adam?" God replies.
"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Adam?" comes the reply from the heavens.
"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."
"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."
"What's a 'woman,' Lord?"
"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you" replies the heavenly voice.
"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?" Adam replies.
"She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle."
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam asks God, "Uh, what can I get for a rib?"
careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on
the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh,! no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released
me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And, I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be ! safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband.
"I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they
spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours , the genie rolled over and looked directly into her
eyes and asked "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"NO KIDDING?. Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
[Edited on 20/5/2003 by Rednell]
This continued several times before the man's curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual, why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot & beer?"
The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts looking good, I'm heading home!"
Aragorn comes to Helms Deep
Legolas: You’re late
Aragorn: A hero, Legolas, is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisly when he intended to....
Eowyn&Aragorn are duelling.
Eowyn:*stares even more* Oh. My. God.
Aragorn: What? *turnes around*
Aragorn:*stares* Oh. My. God.
Peter Jackson: What?
Eowyn&Aragorn: *stare more*
PJ: *turnes around* Oh. My. God.
Gimli(at other end of set) I’m to sexy for my shirt, to sexy for my shirt.... *strips*
When the Fellowship is in awe at Galadriel, Celeborn falls over, reavealing him to be a cardboard cutout.
Sauron streaches out his hand to Isildur, then roars "Pull my FINGER!"
at Helm's Deep
Aragorn: Okay! Ready...Aim....FIRE!
All the ELves/Men/Orcs: FIRE? Where? THeres a fire? AAH! SOUND THE ALARM! GET SOME WATER! FIRE!FIRE!
I hope you like them.