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Thread: Jokes!

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Oh what a picture you have drawn, Skwrel; mine eyes are full of tears from laughing so hard. Growing old does wierd things to our bodies. Big Smile Smilie
So I hear Grond. Smile Smilie

Okay ladies, take notes...

Rules Men Want Women to Learn

Sports Center starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay
put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister. Do not bother me!!

If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?

Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?

Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the

Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed
shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting
equipment nearby.

We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.

It is neither in your interest nor ours to take The Quiz together.

If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever leave us alone.
All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort.

No, you CAN NOT have the remote control!
How to talk about men and still be politically correct

He does not have a beer gut; he has developed a liquid grain storage facility.

He is not quiet; he is a conversational minimalist.

He is not stupid; he suffers from minimal cranial development.

He does not get lost; he discovers alternative destinations.

He is not balding; he is in follicle regression.

Orc Smiling Smilie
On the blonde jokes here are two for you.
If you live in Great Britain please substitute blonde for Essex!

What do you do if a blonde girl throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin out and trow it back.

What do you call a blonde girl with two brain cells?

[Edited on 12/10/2002 by Ross]

The Council felt this joke did not fit the image of P-T that we wish to present to the general public.

[Edited on 14/10/2002 by Grondmaster]
why did you delete my joke as it was not offensive in any way.
bring back my old woman and the bank director joke.

Ross we have children who visit this website, if any of the council members felt your joke was not suitable THEN IT WAS NOT SUITABLE. I am sorry but END of story, please do not question their judgement or argue with them. If you do not like the way they run this website then please feel free to leave. I don't mean to sound harsh but they have a lot of work to do and they don't need to reply to posts which question their actions.

Thank you.
and moving on.....

There was a biology student who was studying equilibrium in sea birds with a
specific focus on terns. He proposed that giving measured doses of THC (from,
of course, marijuana) and observing their flight patterns would give some
insight to the problems of equilibrium in three dimensional space. This
proposal being given in a more liberal era, the student got the funding. He
filled out mountains of forms, set up a lab with a ready supply of terns, and
proceeded on his way. After a year of diligent work, groveling monthly before
the review committee to get his stipend, and living with drugged terns, he
completed his study.

With trembling hands, he delivered his 247-page report, complete with charts
and graphs, to the review committee. The august body peruses his study, asking
penetrating questions and reducing our student to jell-o. Finally, the
department head rises. The light reflects off her steel rimmed glasses as she
stares down at our student.

"There is a lot of good work here," she says. "But we can't accept this report.
You have detailed marvelously the effects of THC on terns but you forgot one
essential step: you have no control group." Our student turns pale and says,
"You don't mean..."

"Yes. I'm afraid so. You left no tern unstoned."
Two tomatoes on the railway:
Hey,watch out for that tra.....ketchup
my pathetic trial No1
Good one 42 Big Smile Smilie

Cool Elf Smilie Raptor: You have made a good start, now see if you can turn your Trial No.1 into something that fits this pattern:
Peanut sittin' on a railroad track,
Its heart was all a flutter.
Along came Engine Number Nine,
Toot, Toot Peanut Butter!
If you can, then maybe you will have a keeper. Elf With a Big Grin Smilie (As oposed to just more fodder for the wastepaper basket.) Elf Rolling Eyes Smilie

Give it a try. Happy Elf Smilie
Thanks for your confindence! Big Smile Smiliebut I don't think I really deserve it.....I will be back....with Failiure No2....
Heard this one today:

Leonard Nimoy is approached at at Star Trek convention by an Arabic man.

"Mr Nimoy, I need to ask you a question," the Arab asks, "In Star Trek, you represent nearly every human race, except I have never seen an Arabic person. Why is that?"

"Well," Said Leaonard, "You need to bear in mind that the show is set in the future...."
:girn: And again Very Big Grin Smilie . These are all ROFLMAO!
Okay. I've got a joke.
Ted saw a man and a dog playing chess. "That's the smatest dog I ever saw", Ted said.
"I know", Answered the man. AHAHAHAHAHAHA...oh boy.

(That wasn't supposed to be funny.)
You might be a Redneck Jedi if...

* You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
* Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
* You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
* At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
* You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
* You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
* The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
* Wookiees are offended by your B.O.
* You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you
didn't have to wait for a commercial.
* You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
* Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the
dark'll be a hoot."
* You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock
thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.
* You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
* You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
* You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get
in through the window.
* Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt
had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
* You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
* You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
* You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
* If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."
Those were both good ones Raptor. Big Laugh Smilie
Here's two:
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.
The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."
The other cow replies, "I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."

Thanks and Big Laugh Smilie to you too! Wink Smilie
Blond girl comes back from shopping and walks into the parking lot. She notices one of the doors of her car has a dent in it. "Oh no!" she cries. "How am I ever going to explain this to my boyfriend?" A guy noticed her standing there, and he said: "Miss, that's no problem really. The dent isn't that big, and if you blow into the exhaust pipe of car, the dent will come out. So the blonde goes down on her knees and starts to blow into the pipe. Another blonde passes and asks what she is doing. The blonde explains that she is trying to get the dent out of her car. The other blonde starts to laugh: "That's never gonna work! You've left your window open!"
Okay, this one's for Grondy (and Golly when she gets back)

Top 20 Engineers' Terminology's

- We are still pissing in the wind.

- We just hired three kids fresh out of college.

- We know who to blame.

- It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.

- We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it

- The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

- We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.

- The only person who understood the thing quit.

- It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.

- Forget it! We have enough problems for now.

- Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.

- We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere
with what we've already done.

- I can't wait to hear this bull!

- Come into my office, I'm lonely.

- Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.

- Too damn heavy to lift!

- Lighter than RUGGED.

- One finally worked.

- Achieved when the power switch is off.

- Impossible to fix if broken.
Shucks Squirrel, you shouldn't have. Elf With a Big Grin Smilie
A man is execrcising his dog that has no legs, when another bloke approaches him and asks its name. Cigarette the man replies.

Cigarette, why do you call your dog that.

Because I take him out for a drag every night.

Boom Boom. (sorry Basil Brush flash back)
ROFLMAO @ #'s 5, 7, 9, 10! Ha Ha Ha Smilie
LOL! Plastic, i have had sum1 say 2 me "may the force b w/ ya'll" b4! guess that means that im a "redneck jedi"!
Raptor, luv the frog and the cow jokes, but the cow 1 is funnier! ROFL
Big Laugh Smilie

Windows-logic: press "start" to shut down.

And think about this one: "I have not failed. I have just found 10,000 ways that won't work." Thomas Edison (who, by the way, was scared in the dark)
TRUE Newspaper Headlines...OY!

Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link
-Cornell Daily Sun, December 7, 1995

Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut
-The New York Times, November 22

Alcohol ads promote drinking.
-The Hartford Courant, November 18

Official: Only rain will cure drought.
-The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts

Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men.
-The Sunday Oregonian, September 24

Man shoots neighbor with machete.
-The Miami Herald, July 3

Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows.
-The New York Times, March 10

Scientists see quakes in L.A. future.
-The Oregonian, January 28

Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold.
-Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26

Bible church's focus is the Bible.
-Saint Augustine Record, Florida, December 3, 1994

Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity.
-The Chicago Tribune, March 5

Lack of brains hinders research.
-The Columbus Dispatch, April 16

Fish lurk in streams.
-Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle, January 29
LOL! ROFL at those headlines Squirrel! Big Smile Smilie
Very Big Grin Smilie LMAO!!

Oh and: "Over 40,000 American's are injured by a toilet every year."

Tell me, Americans out here, how do you do that?! Big Laugh Smilie
the most ive ever injured myself on the tiolet is by hittin my toe on the base of it. does that count? no1 i know has ever been actually hurt by a toilet. (where did u get that stat neway, Tommy?)
It's probably all down to the big kids giving the smaller kids "swirlies" when they are at school.
Actually I think that it has to do with little boys just learning to "potty-train". They watch dad stand up and they are too short, but try anyway, and the lid falls down on thier parts that are sticking out. Poor Robbie was 2yrs old and the lid hit him. His private parts were black and purple for a week. He screamed for 2-3 hours and it swelled up like a balloon. We put ice on it to take the swelling down. He kept saying "Mommy kiss it and make it better." It was really hard to explain that Mommy could not kiss that part of his body with out going to jail. After he we to bed and was not quite in so much pain, my husband and a friend of mine and I sat down and laughed. The idea was really funny, but the reality is not. It was awful to watch him walk until it healed. To say the least he sat down after that and did not start to stand up again until after he was in 1st grade.

It was one of the most awful things to see, and I have heard other mothers make the same comment. I think a lot of very young boys do that.

[Edited on 12/11/2002 by MelliotSandybanks]
"Over 40,000 American's are injured by a toilet every year."
20,000 of those injuries were to the dignity of female of the species upon discovering too late, that once again the seat had been left up. The other 20,000 injuries were attributed to the wrath of these females upon their male roommates after these ill timed discoveries. Elf With a Big Grin Smilie
Another batch of computer jokes. Here you go. Hope you'll enjoy them. Blah, blah...

Windows mesages:
1)Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
2)Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
3)This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
4)Error saving file! Format drive now?
5)This is a postBody from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
6)COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
7)Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat?
8)Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
9)Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one?
10)WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
11)User Error: Replace user.
12)Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it?
13)Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles havebeen deleted. The police are on the way.
Geek jokes, sorry...

Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
The name is Baud......, James Baud.
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
Backups? We don' NEED no steenking backups.
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C. (Y/n)?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.
11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
Who's General Failure & why is he reading my disk?
All computers wait at the same speed.
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
Press any key...... no, No, NO!! Not THAT one!
Big Laugh Smilie

I got it from a local newspaper, Meia. Orc Grinning Smilie And after all these explanations, I get some images I did not get before... Orc Going Huh Smilie And Mellie: ouch! Poor Robbie! Super Wow Smilie

Ok, some more jokes for you:

First year girl comes back from school and says: "Mommy, today we learned to count to three at school, but I can already count to 10, listen: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10. How come I can, and the other ones can't?" The mother answers: "Cos you're blonde."
The next day she comes home and says: "Mommy, we learned the first three letters of the alphabet today, A B and C. But I already know D E and F. How come?" And again mom answers: "Because you're blonde."
Another day later the girl comes home and says to her mom: "Mommy, I noticed all the other girls in my class don't have anything at the front. How come I have?" And mom says: "Because you're already 24."

Why do office buildings have a thick white line in the middle of the hall? To seperate the stream of office workers arriving late for work from those who leave early. Meanwhile this line has been removed, because it turned out to be useless; they were the same people!

On the spot where a plane has crashed, a man is nibbling at some human bones, leaning against a tree. While throwing the bone behind him on a huge pile, he notices some rescuers coming into his direction. "Oh thank God!" he yells. "I'm saved!" The rescuers approach him, but when they see the huge pile of bones they realise the man must have eaten all the other victims, and they draw back in disgust. The man notices this, and hangs his head in shame. "You can't blame me," he says. "I had to survive! You can't convict me for this! Is it wrong to have the will to survive?" The leader of the rescue team walks up to him and shakes his head. "Of course it's not wrong to have the will to survive! But my God, man, your plane only crashed two days ago!"

Man walks into a bar and orders three whiskeys. He drinks them one by one, pays and leaves. This ritual continues for some weeks. The bartender is getting curious why the guy does this, so the next day he asks him. "I do this," says the man. "Because I used to have a drink with my two brothers here every day, but they're dead now and I want to maintain the tradition." Moved by this great gesture, the barman is very friendly to the man on his next visist, and they continue to have some talks every day. One day the bloke walks into the bar again and orders two whiskeys. The barman is surprised at this, and asks him why he ordered only two, not three. The man answers: "I stopped drinking."

Two ducks are flying. One duck says to the other: "Watch out, a wall!" Says the other: "Quack!"

A married couple is driving in their car, at about 70 miles an hour, the man's behind the wheel. Suddenly the woman looks at him and says: "Darling, I know we've been married for 20 years now, but I don't care. I'm going to divorce you." The man doesn't reply, but speeds up slowly. The woman continues: "I don't want you to say anything to persuade me not to, it won't do. I'm having an affair with your best friend, and he's a much better lover than you've ever been." Again the man says nothing, but speeds up again while he's keeping back his anger. "I want the house," the woman says. And again the guy speeds up, to 90 mph already. "And I want the kids, the car, the bank accounts and all our credit cards." The man suddenly turns the car in the direction of a huge concrete wall. This makes the woman somewhat nervous, and she asks: "Isn't there anything you want?" "Oh no," is the reply. "I got everything I want." "Really?" says the woman. "What have you got then?" Right before crashing into the concrete wall at 120 mph, the man smiles, looks at his wife and says: "The airbag."

A horse walks into a pub.
The Bar man says 'Whats with the long face.'

That tombstone was great, I think I hear my grandmother ordering one for my grandfather.
Termite walks into a saloon and says, "Where's the bar tender?"

(Oops, that's a repeat. Oh well.)
OMG, Prog, that is soooo funny. The first pic was a bit fuzzy and hard to read, so I had to scroll down to find the postBody. I loved it. thanks for sharing.
To make up for the last one try these on for size:

Bible Study

If you know the Bible-- even a little -- you'll find this hilarious! It comes from a parochial elementary school, where the children were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments; they wrote the following statements about the Bible. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in).

1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark which the animals come on to in pears.
3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
7. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments...
9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."
20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
23. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

Elf With a Big Grin Smilie

I have seen similar answers when I taught the fourth grade Sunday school classes. My apologies to any of my Christian brethren who are so intolerant that they don't think the preceding was funny.
im a Christian, 2 Grondy. i think that those kids were a lil confused. Tongue Smilie
You know me, militant atheist, I haven't laughed that much in ages, thanks Grondy!
You know me, militant atheist, I haven't laughed that much in ages, thanks Grondy!

I'm a Atheistic fumdamentalist, is that the same? It was very funny is guinessis a cross between the first chapter and Phil Collins?
hang on. Does believing in beer count as a religion or is that just alcoholism?

Ok why do bees hum?
because they cant remember the words!

why did the burgular have a bath?
to get a clean getaway!
I think I've told that one before.
I'm fully aware that this post might get deleted, but after the previous post I couldn't resist. Forgive us our trespasses...

Speaking of funny tombstones, this is a photo of a supposedly real headstone in Montreal. Look very, very carefully at it and you may notice the hidden postBody. Big Laugh Smilie

If you can't find it, simply scroll down a bit. Wink Smilie

Note: The following link may offend you

[Edited on 11/25/2002 by ProgHead777]
Not really a joke (or if it is it ain't funny) but I kind of identified with this story...

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then
to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I
was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't
true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was
thinking all the time.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't
mix, but I couldn't stop myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunch time so I could read Thoreau and Kafka.
I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it
exactly we are doing here?".

Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off
the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night
at her mother's.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in.
He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your
thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job,
you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss.
"Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as
college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you
keep on thinking we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd
had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with a PBS
station on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big
glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that

As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for
Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining
your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the
standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA
meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it
was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking
since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home.
Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.
Big Laugh Smilie Big Laugh Smilie Big Laugh Smilie Big Laugh Smilie Big Laugh Smilie Big Laugh Smilie
Big Laugh Smilie Big Laugh Smilie Big Laugh Smilie Big Laugh Smilie Big Laugh Smilie Big Laugh Smilie

Ok, why did the coach give his football team a lighter?
Because they'd lost all their matches.
Thanks for that Plastic, made me Smile Smilie anyway...

These epitaphs are reported to be from actual tombstones...

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies
Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
The Good
Die Young.

In a London, England cemetery:
Ann Mann
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.

A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
LMAO! Those were very funny! And that piccy too, Prog! Think I have seen it somewhere before, but didn't remember it, so I had to scroll down too. Nevertheless, very funny!

Silly joke:
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and trembles?
A nervous wreck.
ROFLMAO! Those two are priceless Ringfacwen.

As for the Montreal headstone, if it's a coincidence it's a mighty bizarre one! Although, you know what they say- if you sit an infinite number of monkeys in front of an infinite number of typewriters tapping keys at random for an infinite amount of time, eventually one of them will type the complete works of William Shakespeare "coincidentally".
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