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Thread: Jokes!

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I don't know whats been posted in the last zillion or so posts....


Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

A: Anybody can roast beef
Two atoms met each other.
The first atom said to the other, "I think I've lost an electron."
"Are you sure?", asked the other.
"I'm positive!"
Bad King Smilie

Notes From An Inexperienced Chilli Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas:

"Recently I was honoured to be selected as an outstanding honour in Texas, to be a judge at a chilli cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came.

I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chilli # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy smokes, what the he** is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy.

Chilli # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chilli

JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.

Chilli # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chilli! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon.
The Barmaid pounded me on the back so hard my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

Chilli # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.

Chilli # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chilli using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I f@rted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. I think Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chilli # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.

Chilli # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chilli which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chilli # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chilli

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chilli, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chilli pot on top of himself.

FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

Jumping Flame Smilie
I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Nice to see you haven't lost you sense of humour during your absence 42. I haven't laughed so much in ages.

"Forgive me Father for I have sinned"
"What is your sin, my child?" the priest asks.
"Well," the man says, "I used some foul language this week and I feel absolutely terrible."
"When did you use this awful language?" the priest asks.
"I was playing golf and hit an incredible drive that looked as though it was going over 300m, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight to the ground only 100m away."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Father, " says the man. "After that a squirrel ran out of the bushes, grabbed my ball and started to run away."
"And that is when you swore?" the priest again asked.
"Well, no," says the man. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down from the sky, grabbed the squirrel in its talons and began to fly away."
"Is that when you swore?" asked the amazed priest.
"No not yet," the man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew towards the green and as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear then?" the priest asked, becoming impatient.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green, stopping just six inches from the hole."
"You missed the putt, didn't you?" sighed the priest.
On the telephone:
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
Frank: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Frank: "How do I know when it's ready?"

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said ''WHERE AM I?'' in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said ''YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.''

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the ''YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER'' sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded ''I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.''

Knock knock.

Who's there?


Lettuce who?

Lettuce in!

Do NOT try this at home!:

A man bought a bull elephant for 50 grand. He decided to make big money out of the elephant and trained the elephant not to jump no matter what. Then he set up a challenge to make the elephant jump. The prize money was 10 grand.

To play this game, the challenger must pay 1 grand to the owner before playing. Lots of people came and tried all sorts of tricks to make the elephant jump but without success. Until the a guy showed up and decided to take up this challenge. He paid the elephant owner 1 grand and went to his car and took out a golf club. He held the club behind him and walked around the elephant. After walking around the elephant a few times, he stopped right behind him. He raised his club and swung as hard as he could right smack between the elephant's hind legs. Being a bull elephant, it leaped twenty feet into the air and landed with a crash. The elephant owner paid the guy with the golf club his 10 k.

After that, the elephant owner decided to create another challenge. The prize money was now double but so was fee required to pay. This time, the challenge was to make the elephant shake it's head. Again, lots of people came to make the elephant shake it's head and they all failed until the same guy with the golf club came again. He paid the elephant owner 2 grand and once again took out his golf club. Once again, the guy with the golf club walked around the elephant. This time, he stopped in front of the elephant. "Hello." The guy said. "Remember me?" The elephant nodded. "Remember this golf club?" The guy asked, showing the elephant his glof club. The elephant nodded. "Remember what I did to you the last time?" The elephant nodded nervously. Then the guy said "DO YOU WANT ME TO DO IT AGAIN?!"
A man went to a doctor and said, "I think I've some cash in my ear."
The doctor said, "Okay, I'll take it out!"
So the doctor started pulling out the cash which were in one dollar bills out of the person's ear. After he was done, he counted the cash and remarked, "You had 99 dollars in your ear!"
"Must be, I wasn't feeling too grand anyway!"
Man goes into the vets with a dead rabbit and asks the vet what's wrong with the rabbit.

The vest says he's sorry but the rabbit is dead.

The man says he wants a second opinion - the vet calls in his dog. The dog sniffs the rabbit and shakes his head.

The man says he's still not happy and wants another opinion - the vet calls in his cat. The cat sniffs the rabbit and shakes her head.

The mans says he's still not happy and wants another opinion.

The vet says - look you've had a Lab report and a Cat scan. The rabbit is dead. Big Laugh Smilie
Two students are taking an exam.
One asks the other, "Do you know the 5(a) question?"
The other replied that he did.
The first one asked him to write it on a piece of paper and pass it on to him. The other did so. On receiving the paper, the first student glanced at it and beat his head. The other student had actually written the question on that paper.

(Based on a real-life incident which occured just an hour ago during the exam we were taking. No points for guessing who the second student was but then we have to punish people who can't speak clearly enough. Was this a joke?)
If you were the second student i applaud you on your wits. I think it is a joke on the first student and if he talks about it he could get in trouble with honour council (if you have one) so... I think it is a hilarious joke on him. if #2 was you that is
if #2 was you that is

I agree you are no dimwit!

After Bill Gates died, he went to heaven and there St. Peter told him that he has been entitled to a huge manion with a tennis court and an indoor as well as an outdoor swimming pool along with a Ferrari. And obviously he had a brand new computer. And thus, Bill Gates was happily spending his after-life in his mansion, enjoying himself to the fullest.

One day he went to a nearby park and saw another man dressed in a very dazzling suit that fit him perfectly getting out of a Rolls Royce. So Gates approached him and said, "That is a very nice suit you have got."

"Oh that's nothing! I also have a huge mansion on a 1000 acre land on a hill which is overlooking another hill. I have 3 more Rolls Royces and have a full wardrobe of such suits."

"My God! That is wonderful! You must have been a really important person like a priest or a clergyman!"

"No!" the other man replied, "I was the Captain of the Titanic." And saying this he went off his own way.

Bill Gates got angry and he immediately went off to find St. Peter.

"Why does the Captain of the Titaic get so much more than I did. I am Bill Gates and I gave the world the Windows!" screamed Gates to St. Peter.

"Yes, we do run on Windows," replied St. Peter, "But the Titanic crashed only once!"
From real life:

An Englishman is talking to a German who doesn't know altogether that much English, and the Englishman asks: "I have to pick up somebody from the station but I can't make it. Could you perhaps go and meet him?" Says the German: "Oh yes, no problem, I'll hole him." (Holen is a verb in German)
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar and each orders a pint of beer. When the drinks arrive they notice that all three pints have a fly in them.

The Englishman just looks at his pint in disgust and pushes it away.

The Irishman picks out the fly with his fingers, throws it on the floor and proceeds to drink his beer.

The Scotsman picks the fly out of his pint, and holds it over the drinking saying, "Come on you little git, spit it out!"
At the olympics a Scottish man asks a German man if he is a pole vaulter.

The German replies "No I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter. One Eye Smilie

(One from Billy Connolly)
Yeah, go Billy Connolly. And another from Billy Connolly!!

There was this lady bringing her mother to a new nursing home. The old woman sits in a chair. And she starts to lean over, subconsciously, it seems. And the nurse comes and straightens her up. "Are you okay?" she asks. "Yes, I'm fine," says the old granny. Then she starts to lean over to the other side, subconsciously, it seems. And the nurse comes and straightens her up again. "Are you sure?" she asks. "Yes, yes, I'm fine," says the old granny. Anyway, a week later, her daughter comes to check up on her. "How is it in the new home?" says the lady. "Oh, fine, fine..." says the granny. "But I've got one complaint. They won't let you make bodily noises in here!"
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Eeep! No wonder there are no female cardinals!! Wary Smilie

Hmm! Tommie's joke work best if you know German. Maydmarion's joke work best if you don't. Rather peculiar, isn't it? Big Smile Smilie

Another one along the same lines then:

Helmut Kohl (German Chancellor) was on official visit to the United States. A banquet was hold in honour of the visit. A waiter comes up to Kohl's table with a tray of food and asks: "Chicken?"
To which Kohl answers: "Nein, nicht schicken! Ich esse es!" Ha Ha Ha Smilie

(For the German-impaired: schicken= send/pass, as in "pass the salt please". He didn't want to pass it on, he intended to eat it himself)
(Alright, I just arrived. Has Grep changed the colour of the layout or is it just my computer?)
ANYWAY.... (sorry if they offend)
There was this dude parachuting for the first time. "What if my parachute doesn't work?" he asked. "Then you just pull the reserve,' said the foreigner directing his jump, in a strong accent. "Okay. What if that doesn't work?" "Then just call out 'allah!!! allah!!! Help me!' and believe. It works, honest." so the dude was like "Right..." and jumped out. The first parachute didn't work. The second parachute didn't work. 'what the heck' he thought. "Allah! allah! Help me!" he cried. Then a great brown hand picked him out of the sky gently and set him on the ground. The man was relieved. "Thank Christ for that," he said. Out of the sky came a great brown foot....

How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
At an airport:

"Is there anything in your baggage that might have been put in without your knowledge?"
"If anything was put in there without my knowledge, how the hell would I know?"

(Based on a true story that!)
Big Laugh Smilie

Don't know if this one's been done before, but anyway here goes:

Three women die simultaneously, and go to Heaven. Saint Peter awaits them at the gates and says: "Welcome to Heaven. You will enjoy a very nice stay here if you obey the rules. There is only one rule: don't step on the ducks." The three women enter, and see the place is full of ducks. It's almost impossible not to step on one, and though they try very very hard, one day one of them does accidentally step on a duck. Saint Peter appears out of nowhere with a very ugly guy at his side, and chains the woman and the man together, saying: "That's what's happened when you step on a duck."

The other two witnessed this, and were extra careful not to step on any ducks. Alas, the place is full of them, and one day the second woman treads on a duck. Nothing escapes Saint Peter, for there he is again with a very ugly man. He chains them together and leaves after having repeated his warning.

The first woman is really scared now, so she is really really really careful. She manages not to step on a duck for months, and is quite happily enjoying life in Heaven. Until one day Saint Peter appears with a tall, handsome bloke at his side. He chains the man and the woman together and leaves without a word. The woman is flabbergasted, and stammers: "Well, I wonder what I've done to deserve this." "I don't know what you did," says the guy, "but I stepped on a duck."
I Love a Happy Ending, Don't You??

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods.

Big Laugh Smilie Good one!

Q: What does an insomniac, agnostic and dyslexic wizard do at night?

A: He lies awake wondering if there really is a dog.
Teaspoon, Tea Cup , or Bucket?

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director which is
the criteria that defines a patient to be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, a
teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the

Okay, here's your test:

1. Would you use the spoon?


2. Would you use the teacup?


3. Would you use the bucket?

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the
bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the cup." ........

"Noooooo," answered the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug!!!!"
funnylaugh: Big Laugh Smilie
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life."

Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

Hur hur hur.
The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany) A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
This the same sort of thing, only customers (A) calling the computer helpdesk (H).

H: What sort of computer have you got?
A: A white one.

H: Click on the icon of "my computer" on the left side of the screen.
A: Wait... your left side or mine?

A: I can't print. Every time I try to, it says "can't find printer". I even put the printer right in front of the screen, but he still can't find it.

H: Now press F8.
A: It doesn't help.
H: What did you do?
A: I pressed the F button 8 times, like you said.

H: Your password is a small "a" as in apple, a capital "V" as in Victor, the number 7...
A: Wait... is that a capital 7?

A: I can't connect to the internet.
H: Are you sure you are using the right password.
A: Yes I am, I saw a colleague do it.
H: What password are you using.
A: Five asterisks.

H: What sort of antivirus programme are you using?
A: Netscape.
H: That's not an antivirus programme.
A: Oh, sorry! Internet Explorer.

A: I have a big problem! A friend of mine installed a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it goes away!

H: How can I help you?
A: I'm writing my first e-mail.
H: Yes, and what is the problem?
A: Well, I got the letter a, but how do I get the little circle around it?
A local newspaper ran a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... but the least romantic second line. Here are some of the entries they received.

I thought that I could love no other
until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

19.. Procrastinate Now!

20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

25.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

27.. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30.. I smile! because ! I don't know what the hell is going on.

'Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.' ’ Will Rogers
Oh No, Not Again!!!

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights".

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard.... but no ark.

"Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go!

When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean, you’re not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
The usual....

An Englishman, a Scottishman and an Irishman are sentenced to 20 years in prison. They are are allowed 20 years supply of one item they cannot do without.

The Englishman says - Women, I must have women.
The Scottishman says - Whiskey - I must have whiskey.
The Irishman says - Cigarettes - I must have cigarettes.

After 20 years the men are released.

The Englishmans says well that was my last woman...
The Scottishman says well that was my last bottle of whiskey...
The Irishmans says - has anyone got a match....
Got this through mail:

1. Go here .
2. Search for Miserable Failure
3. Click on the rightmost box. (I think it says "I'm feeling lucky" in English)
4. See for yourself.

Moderator Smilie See Grondy's post below.
I tried that and..... Big Laugh Smilie Big Laugh Smilie Big Laugh Smilie
Big Smile Smilie comment...
Nice one Tommie
Moderator Smilie Sorry Tommie, even though I whole heartedly agree with you, your above post gets into the field of politics and could cause heartburn with some of our members, so I had to disable the link. Moderator Smilie
Sorry Grondy. I had a feeling it might be. I just couldn't resist posting it, because I had the best laugh in ages. I can understand why it doesn't fit in here though. Won't happen again, promise. Animated Wink Smilie

How do you talk to a fish?

You drop him a line.
Yeah, I'm late again, but it was worth the wait. I fear I may know too many engineers, though (and now I know more, ack!) I had to respond to this, though in the category of "it could be worse"

my sociology teacher gave us this handout...apparently all these laws are for real...

Stupid New Jersey Laws (btw, if you don't know, I'm from Jersey)

Automobiles are not to pass horse drawn carriages on the street.

Well, passing is OK, most of the time, but when the autoMObile came to TX, a law was passed that said if you were going toward a horse and it spooked, you had to a) pull over, b) kill the engine (and rember, those were the hand crank cays,) c) dismantle the car so the horse would be subdued and proceed. To my knowledge, this law has never been repealed.

Raritan: Profanity is prohibited.

Actually, there might be a few folks 'round here who can remember when this was less often NOT the law in the US than otherwise. And flagrant violations prosecuted (not "enforced" as I started to say; me very tired.) I was actually reading a Wikipedia entry earlier (I didn't realize the Most Gratuitous Use of the Word Belgium In a Serious Sreenplay Award was different in the land of its birth and wound up there) and learned profanity didn't officially become free speech until the year before I was born.

And of course, in the South, there's tons of stuff you can't do on Sunday (I don't believe you can buy liquor all day, but, at least in TX, you can get beer after noon. And 'til 1AM Saturday and Sunday, but Midnight the rest of the time.) I remember one night when I was almost this tired after playing Moon all night my Dad sent me to get twelve pack 'cos it gave out before the game, and we had to wait 'til 7AM for the store to open so we could buy it. No prob. I walked all the way down there, got it, put in the counter and heard, "Um, I can't sell you that." I was so tired it had completely slipped my mind the Super Bowl was that day, and that meant it was Sunday. Oh well.

But the kicker in TX is, or was, this little gem, repealed in the mid-eighties. NINETEEN eighties. Goes like this:

Say you come home one night after a hard day of work, come into the dark house, head for the bedroom, and find your wife their in bed with some guy. In a fit of rage, you grab the shotgun from the closet and kill 'em both on the spot. Verdict: justifiable homicide. Wait, it gets better.

Say you come home late from the beauty parlor (since no self respecting man would permit his wife to work) and find your HUSBAND in bed with another WOMAN, grab the shotgun, and kill 'em both. Verdict: double homicide, but they can only give you lethal injection once.

This one stayed on the books 'til twenty years ago. What changed you ask? Did they notice this antiquated and misogynistic law on the books and hastily get rid of it? NO. What happened was that the state passed a law that every place the laws said "she" it also meant "he" and vice versa. The "kill your wife and walk" law quickly faded away thereafter.

That's not really a joke, but I've always found it funny. 'Course, I don't know how many times that that law was employed, so looking back....
A neutron enters a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender then says : "For you, no charge."
You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason
why we observe daylight-saving time.

I could do just that, but it wouldn't be funny.

Meanwhile, I'm gonna try to group, so Grondmaster won't come looking for me with murder in his eye.

I've heard the "joke" about the carrier and the lighthouse numerous times over the past few years. The details never change; it's always the USS Lincoln (which is a scary lady you don't wanna meet in a dark alley,) it's always a 15’ course change, and the last message to the lighthouse is always the threat. I've memorized the last line. This is not a joke, it's just what it claims to be, which is a little scary.

Speaking of Lincoln, if anyone's interested, his was the line that originally ran "The Lord must Love common people because He made so many of them."

And I prefer "railroad line" to "railroad track" but I'm a purist and perfectionist, which is why nothing of mine ever leaves the hard drive. Wonder where I could've picked that up?

Now I guess I'll try to be funny (and try to remain conscious, but the second wind is gone.) I'll probably succed, but not necessarily in the way I desire. But Grondy's got me thinking back to when I first read Piers Anthony (e.g. Xanth et al.) in HS and had it in mind when, during our study of MacBeth senior year, I posed a question. Most of us have at least some familiarity with MacBeth, how, at the start of the play, he's serving King Duncan in putting down a rebellion by MacDonwald, whom MacBeth himself slays, splitting him "from the nave to the chops" (gotta love a claymore.) He sliced him up pretty good, which led me to wonder:

When MacBeth was done, did Old MacDonwald Have an Arm?
Ford had a problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company discovered that the word Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny *masculinity*". - edited by Prog

I'm told by those who know (I took German in HS; in TX EVERYONE speaks Spanish except me) they had a similar problem when they introduced the Nova in Mexico, because "va" means "go." I'm guessing Fords don't do well south of the Pyrennes, but then, we all know Ford is an acronym for "Found On Road, Dead."

(3) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

My Kenmore has one in each.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008, 58008, 710.77345 and 710.0553 into a calculator.

6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

I never knew about Shell and Esso; we were kids, so if it wasn't naughty we weren't interested. Reading while stoned is transcendant; my first choice is the Silmarillion.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

Thank you, I feel better.

24) You never ever run out of salt.

30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

Actually, my most painful household incidents was stepping on an exposed wire in bare feat, frying an old computer, and welding said wire to my foot. That or trying to get out of bed to answer natures call after my hernia operation (it is impossible to do anything without using ones abs, but I guess that was payback for my mothers C-section.).

OK, I found Grondmasters posting of the LA title letter, so I'm replacing my link to it with this oldy but goody, which, like the USS Lincoln and LA title story, is supposed to me legit (i.e. not made up) after seeing Tommies tech support one:
*** Here's an actual telephone dialog from a former WordPerfect customer and a support employee.***

Support employee; "May I help you?"

"Yes, well. I'm having trouble with WordPerfect,"

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away"

"Went away?"

"They Disappeared"

"Hmm, So what does your screen look like now?"



"It's blank, it won't accept anything when I type-"

"Are you still in WordPerfect or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the c: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept any thing I type"

"Does your monitor have a power indicator,"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks I like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great, follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"


"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach it."

"Uh huh. Well can you see if it is?"


"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over."

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark,"


"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window"

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No, why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked. Now, do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in a closet."

"Good, go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Well, all right, then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

This and a number of others like it I (re)found at

My favorite is probably the one about the Protestant that didn't like Windows because of "the icons." I agree, but for very different reasons (I know how to talk, read, and write, so I'm past "point and grunt" as my mother calls it; for further explanation, see last line of the above transcript.)
One for the road in memory of the eariler jab at Texans and Tennesseeans. Word of caution when doing that: likely half or more of the folks down here are from Tennessee, one way or the other (though I still like the other UTs shade of orange better than what I refer to as "puke orange.")

Seems back in the War Between the States a Yankee army discovered a scout tracking them, and, ere he could leave and report their position, surrounded the wooded hill atop on which he lurked, demanding surrender, as he was greatly outnumbered. The Texan laughed.

"Outnumbered? Big deal. One Texan can handle ten Yankees," he replied derisively.

The Union commander angrily dispatched ten of his men to bring in the braggart. From the trees came the sounds a fierce battle that quickly subsided, to the commanders satisfaction. He was just giving the order to mount up and prepare to ride out when from the hilltop, "See? One Texan can handle fifty Yankees," came mockingly down.

Surprised, but undeterred, he ordered fifty men to take the matter in hand. Again the sounds of violence could be heard from above, and as quickly ended. Then from the hilltop, "Is that the best you can do? One Texan is worth a hundred Yankees," was the scornful taunt.

Impressed and a little concerned, the Union commander decided to take no chances. This time he sent two hundred and fifty men to finish the job once and for all. A small scale war raged on high, lasting for hours. Finally, a single scarred Union soldier staggered from the hill. Reaching his commander he said franticly, "Sir, it's a trap! There's TWO of 'em!"
im going back to the wierd laws in the US

Hawaii: No placing coins in your ears

Idaho: You cant fish from the back of a camel.

Oklahoma: Whaling is illegal.( there are no oceans in Oklahoma.)
You cant sleep on a refigerator outdoors.

Baldwin Park, California: NO riding bicycles in swimming pools.

Houston, Texas: You cant sell Limburger cheese on Sunday.

Lexington, Kentucky: You cant carry a ice-cream cone in your pocket.

Marion, Ohio: You cant eat a donut and walk backwards on a city street.

Nashville, Tennessee: You must be 18 years old to play pinball.

New Orleans, Lousiana: You may not tie an alligator to a fire hydrant.

Whitehall, Montana: You cant drive a care with ice picks attached to the wheels.

Wynona, Oklahoma: You cant wash your clothes in a birdbath.

And my personal favorite:
Florida: Unmarried women may not parachute on Sundays.

A man owned a small farm in Iowa.

The Iowa Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a month plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit that works here
about 18 hours a day. He makes $10 a week and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every week," replied the farmer.

"That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit," says the agent."

"That would be me" the farmer said.
Sad News

It is with the saddest heart that we must pass on the following news. Please join us in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Cap'n Crunch.

The graveside was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very 'smart' cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky in his youth and a crusty old man, he was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus the bun they had in the oven.

He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
- My daughter forwarded the above from one of the many emails that are traveling around the internet.
that was a good one, but i have never heard of "Hungry Jack"

oh and also I prefer Little Debbies above Hostess
Little Debbies are moister.
That was truly awful, Grondy, I can't take much of that kind of punishment. Seriously, being a Piers Anthony fan, nice job. You also reminded me of an old riddle I keep forgetting to post here; I'll do the Da Vinci thing to preserve the fun:

What three international catastrophes would occur if a waiter dropped a platter on Thanksgiving?

Answer: .anihc fo noitcurtsed eht dna, esaerg fo worhtrevo eht, yekrut fo llafnwod eht eb dluow tI

Those unable to read that should be able to with a little concentration; those who can probably won't do it instantly.
Grondy can't vouch for the truthfulness of the following:
Here are some actual answers from contestants who have appeared on the game show Family Feud:

Name something a blind person might use: a sword
Name a song with moon in the title: blue suede moon
Name a bird with a long neck: a penguin
Name an occupation where you need a torch: a burglar
Name a famous brother and sister: Bonnie and Clyde
Name a dangerous race: the Arabs
Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers: a horse
Name something that floats in the bath: water
Name something you wear on the beach: a deck chair
Name something red: my cardigan
Name a famous cowboy: Buck Rogers
Name a famous royal: mail
Name a number you have to memorize: 7
Name something you do before going to bed: sleep
Name something you put on walls: roofs
Name something in the garden that's green: a scarecrow
Name something that flies that doesn't have an engine: dishes
Name something you might be allergic to: skiing
Name a famous bridge: the bridge over troubled waters
Name something a cat does: goes to the toilet
Name a continent: Italy
Name something you do in the bathroom: decorate
Name an animal you might see at the zoo: a dog
Name something associated with the police: pigs
Name a sign of the zodiac: April
Name something slippery: a con man
Name a kind of ache: a pancake
Name a food that can be brown or white: potato
Name a potato topping: jam
Name a famous Scotsman: Jock
Another famous Scotsman: Vinnie Jones
Name something with a hole in it: window
Name a non living object with legs: plant
Name a domestic animal: leopard
Name a part of the body beginning with 'N': knee
Name a way of cooking fish: cod
Name something you open other than a door: your bowels
Name something you clean: your sister

Words to Live By - but don't be surprised if they come back to bite you.

01. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

02. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

03. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

04. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

05. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

06. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

07. Plagiarism saves time.

08. If at first you don't succeed, try management.

09. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

10. TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.

11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.

12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

13. We waste time, so you don't have to.

14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.


19. Succeed in spite of management.

20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

- Lifted from ancient LOADSTAR LETTER #69 which years ago lifted them from the internet.
These are all better when read aloud, but here goes.

How do you top a car?

.diput ,ekarb eht no pet uoY

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

.ti no pu (euqinu) kaen uoY

How do you catch the tame rabbit?

.ti no pu (euqinu) kaen uoy ;yaw emat ehT

If you can't read backwards...I will posts the answers latter.
Caudimordax, is there a reason why there isn't the letter 's' in your questions and answers or is it just your keyboard? Anyways, I didn't get the joke.
Puns, puns are our friend. Though I didn't notice they were ALL missing s until you mentioned it. The last two I recall from when I was a kid (they must accompany each other, after all) but the first was a new on me, and I, for one, found it amusing. So there. Elf Sticking Tounge Out Smilie
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