Thread: Jokes!
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Good one Lordstark.
I liked it too, that's my kind of joke. By the way, was that the same dyslexic who sold his soul to santa? 
20 Reasons why a Woman Should Call it a Night................
1. You have absolutely no idea where your bag is.
2. You truly believe that dancing with your arms overhead and wiggling your bottom while yelling WOO-HOO is truly the sexiest dance move around.
3. You've suddenly decided that you want to kick someone's @ss and honestly believe that you could do it too.
4. In your last trip to "pee" you realise you now look more like Lily Savage than the goddess you were just four hours ago.
5. You drop your 3:00 a.m. kebab on the floor (which you're eating even though you're not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.
6. You start crying and telling everyone you see that you love them sooooo much.
7. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.
8. You've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to you.
9. The man you're flirting with used to be your biology teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. Your eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so you decide to keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.
12. You seem to think that its a really good idea to get your mates to push you down the street in a shopping trolley.
13. You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just lemonade, but that's just because you can no longer taste the vodka.
14. You think you're in bed, but the pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.
15. You start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take this the WRONG WAY but..."
16. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.
17. Your hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. You're soooo tired you just sit on the floor (wherever you happen to be standing) and take a quick nap.
19. You begin leaving the buttons open on your button fly pants to cut down on the time you're in the bathroom away from your drink.
20. You take your shoes off because you really believe it's their fault that you're having problems walking straight.
1. You have absolutely no idea where your bag is.
2. You truly believe that dancing with your arms overhead and wiggling your bottom while yelling WOO-HOO is truly the sexiest dance move around.
3. You've suddenly decided that you want to kick someone's @ss and honestly believe that you could do it too.
4. In your last trip to "pee" you realise you now look more like Lily Savage than the goddess you were just four hours ago.
5. You drop your 3:00 a.m. kebab on the floor (which you're eating even though you're not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.
6. You start crying and telling everyone you see that you love them sooooo much.
7. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.
8. You've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to you.
9. The man you're flirting with used to be your biology teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. Your eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so you decide to keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.
12. You seem to think that its a really good idea to get your mates to push you down the street in a shopping trolley.
13. You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just lemonade, but that's just because you can no longer taste the vodka.
14. You think you're in bed, but the pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.
15. You start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take this the WRONG WAY but..."
16. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.
17. Your hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. You're soooo tired you just sit on the floor (wherever you happen to be standing) and take a quick nap.
19. You begin leaving the buttons open on your button fly pants to cut down on the time you're in the bathroom away from your drink.
20. You take your shoes off because you really believe it's their fault that you're having problems walking straight.
Some new words that I found in my dictionary:
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Bozone: (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Cashtration: (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very, high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is, like, sending off all these really bad vibes, right? and then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a totally serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Arachnoleptic fit: (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug: (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Caterpallor: (n.) The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a*!hole.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Bozone: (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Cashtration: (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very, high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is, like, sending off all these really bad vibes, right? and then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a totally serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Arachnoleptic fit: (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug: (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Caterpallor: (n.) The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a*!hole.
So, here's my first... Hope you'll enjoy it!
A cop was walking on a street. Looking across the street, he sees a monk, all dressed in black, reading from a Bible and praying. Checking all around, the cop starts following the monk, trying his best not to be noticed. At one turn, the monk goes on a dark alley; the cop closes up behind him and, with no warning, hits him in the head, then starts beating him up. After a while, when people gather up, yet do not dare to interfere, the cop, tired, whipes out the sweat from his brow and, with a very satisfied look, says to the uncounscious and almost dead monk:
“Huh... what did you think, ninja, that life is a movie?!?”
A cop was walking on a street. Looking across the street, he sees a monk, all dressed in black, reading from a Bible and praying. Checking all around, the cop starts following the monk, trying his best not to be noticed. At one turn, the monk goes on a dark alley; the cop closes up behind him and, with no warning, hits him in the head, then starts beating him up. After a while, when people gather up, yet do not dare to interfere, the cop, tired, whipes out the sweat from his brow and, with a very satisfied look, says to the uncounscious and almost dead monk:
“Huh... what did you think, ninja, that life is a movie?!?”
speaking of monks, the nuns were working to completely refurbish the huge library in the abbey. the nuns were working on repainting the walls and sanding and restaining bookshelves. it was in the middle of the dog days of summer, and it wasn't long before the library became stifling hot. the cloor-to-ceiling windows were all opened in the hopes that the breeze would cool off the hard-working nuns. the open windows did not help. the nuns began thinking, trying to come up with a way to stay cool in the midst of the unbearable heat. finally, sister mary frances had had enough. this is an abbey isn't it?, she asked aloud, there aren't any men here of course. well yes replied sister mary thomas. so why don't we just take off our clothes? it's not like anyone will see us, sister mary frances reasoned. although shocked by the suggestion, the rest of the nuns eventually agreed to sister mary frances's plan. before long, they were al back at work, much cooled by the absence of their heavy clothing. soon after, there was a knock at the door. the nuns looked worriedly at each other. who is it? called sister mary thomas in a quavering voice. it's the blind man, came the reply, may i come in? there was a period of whispered debate- in the end, seeing how the man was blind, the nuns saw no harm in letting him in. you may come in, said sister mary thomas. the blind man entered the library, took a good long look around, and said, now where exactly do you want these blinds installed?
is that considered non-family friendly? ^
*please note* i love lots of males, they are a whole lot of fun. but these jokes are for females, especially ones who dearly care about sometimes-stupid men.
MEN JOKES!
He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery
money I gave you? She said . . ... Turn sideways and look in the
mirror!
*
On a wall in a ladies room . . ."My husband follows me
everywhere" Written just below it . . .." I do not"
*
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.
*
Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.
*
Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
*
Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.
*
Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and
good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.
*
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is
every night?
A widow
*
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to
bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the
fridge.
*
Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in
common?
A. They're married.
*
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
*
MEN JOKES!
He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery
money I gave you? She said . . ... Turn sideways and look in the
mirror!
*
On a wall in a ladies room . . ."My husband follows me
everywhere" Written just below it . . .." I do not"
*
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.
*
Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.
*
Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
*
Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.
*
Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and
good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.
*
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is
every night?
A widow
*
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to
bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the
fridge.
*
Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in
common?
A. They're married.
*
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
*
Oh, that's bad. I shouldn't post this....
Yes, you shouldn't!!
Yes, you shouldn't!! 
Quote:
Corporate Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps her self up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you ’500 to drop that towel that you have on". After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her ’500 and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the ’500 he owes me?"
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Corporate Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps her self up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you ’500 to drop that towel that you have on". After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her ’500 and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the ’500 he owes me?"
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Quote:
Corporate Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. In astonishment,
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pena Coladas and the love of my life." Poof!
He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Corporate Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. In astonishment,
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pena Coladas and the love of my life." Poof!
He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Quote:
Corporate Lesson 4
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Corporate Lesson 4
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Quote:
Corporate Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the strength.
"Well,why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
After a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story:=20
Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Corporate Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the strength.
"Well,why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
After a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story:=20
Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Quote:
Corporate Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realise how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
Corporate Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realise how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
Tres bien!!! *long and loud Applause*
How true.. i work in an office, and i feel every moral of each tale like its one cut of a thousand, 'cept i'm laughing me ass off (lmao)!!!
Uhm as an aside, i have a mithril problem, in that i donthave much left and have only PM'd twice, how often do you get it, and how do you get it... Sorry if this isnt the appropriate place to ask, but i'm down to my last 5 *sobs*!?!!?!
How true.. i work in an office, and i feel every moral of each tale like its one cut of a thousand, 'cept i'm laughing me ass off (lmao)!!!
Uhm as an aside, i have a mithril problem, in that i donthave much left and have only PM'd twice, how often do you get it, and how do you get it... Sorry if this isnt the appropriate place to ask, but i'm down to my last 5 *sobs*!?!!?!
If you log in once a day, you get 20 methril, and if it doesn't work the first time, try, try again.
You probably miss out on mithril at the weekends because you don't log in.
how far can i go across the line of bad taste, most of my jokes are not even funny, they just make you throw up....every time you think about them.... ok just one... but i know it'll get moderated straight away.....
how do you know when your sister's on her period......
.......no i cant, that one's just tooooooo wrong!
something a bit more tame....
why did the cat fall out of the tree?
.....cos it was dead.
ps, tarrant they made me
how do you know when your sister's on her period......
.......no i cant, that one's just tooooooo wrong!
something a bit more tame....
why did the cat fall out of the tree?
.....cos it was dead.
ps, tarrant they made me
oh, i gotta nuther one......
yeah i know everyone's heard it but i'll do it anyway
a guy's driving down the motorway when he gets a call from his wife on his mobile......she says
"be careful, they just showed this maniac on the news, driving down the wrong side of the road",
he replies,
"you dont need to tell me, there's thousands of the idiots".
yeah i know everyone's heard it but i'll do it anyway
a guy's driving down the motorway when he gets a call from his wife on his mobile......she says
"be careful, they just showed this maniac on the news, driving down the wrong side of the road",
he replies,
"you dont need to tell me, there's thousands of the idiots".
HAAHAAHAA! That must be an inglish joke, because A) we don't have moterways and B) Trans-continental road rules are wierd.
Three bank robbers are running from some cops on a train. One redhead, one brunette, and one blonde. They each jump into a sack of potatos to hide out. The cops are in hot persuit. They kick the bags as they pass. The redhead first. "Bark, Bark!" they assume it's a dog. The brunette next."Meow, Meow!" they assume it's a cat. They kick the blonde. "Potatoes!"
Three bank robbers are running from some cops on a train. One redhead, one brunette, and one blonde. They each jump into a sack of potatos to hide out. The cops are in hot persuit. They kick the bags as they pass. The redhead first. "Bark, Bark!" they assume it's a dog. The brunette next."Meow, Meow!" they assume it's a cat. They kick the blonde. "Potatoes!"
A man walks into a bar. He stands on the counter and asked the bartender if he had any duck soup. The bartender said he didn't and hicked the guy out. The next day the guy comes back, stands on the counter and askes if they have duck soup. The bartender sias that if he comes back he'll nail his feet to the counter. The next day the guy comes back and askes if they have any nails. When the bartender says they don't, he jumps right back onto the counter and asks if they have any duck soup.
I have the greatest one. Listen up, it's real long.
There was a man driving to Waterworld in Te Rapa in New Zealand. He lived in Raglan, and it was a long drive. His car broke down at Hamilton monastery. The monks said they would fix his car if he would stay the night. He did, and in the middle of the night he heard a noise like mithril clinking together handled by a dwarf. So in the morning he asked what the noise like mithril clinking together handled by a dwarf was. And the monks said they couldn't tell him because he wasn't a monk. So he went on his holiday. He got real wrinkled in the pool and a kid splashed him from the diving board on the way to the hydroslides, but it was real cool, even though there are no spas at Waterworld. And on the way back, he was feeling rather content. Then his car broke down right outside Hamilton monastery. The monks said they would fix his car if he would stay the night. He did, and in the middle of the night he heard a noise like mithril clinking together handled by a dwarf. So in the morning he asked what the noise like mithril clinking together handled by a dwarf was. And the monks said they couldn't tell him becuase he wasn't a monk. And over that year that really bothered him. He kept wondering what was making the noise like mithril clinking together handled by a dwarf. He just couldn't put his finger on it. So what he did was, he went to the monastery again, and his car broke down right in front of it again, and the monks looked at him as if to say: "Not again!
" But they said: "Same deal. Stay the night, and we'll fix your car. So he did. And in the middle of the night he heard a noise like mithril clinking together handled by a dwarf. He couldn't stop himself, and asked them in the morning what was making the sound like mithril clinking together handled bya d warf. The monks said they couldn't tell him, because he wasn't a monk. He asked how he could become a monk. They told him of various tasks, and he scraped through. "Congratulations." they said. "you are now a monk." So the man said; "Now can you show me what was making the sound like mithril clinking together handled by a dwarf?"
"Ah," said the monks. "We'll show you."
And the monks led him to an intricately carved wooden door, which they opened with a wooden key, and they opened the wooden door, and the man closed it behind him. And he saw..... a wooden corridor. The monks led him down it. They came to a bronze door, which they opened with a wooden key, and they opened the wooden door, and th eman closed it behind him. And he saw.... a bronze corridor. THe monks led him down it. THey came to a silver door, which they opened with a silver key, and they opened the wooden door, and the man closed it behind him. And e saw...... a gold door, which they opened with a gold key, and they opened the gold door, and the man closed it behind him. And he saw...... A gold passageway. They walked down the gold passageway and they came to a diamond door, which the monks opened with a diamond key, and they opened the door, and the man saw what had been making the noise. It was the most fantastic sight you ever could see....
And do you want to know what it was?
"Yes, yes," I hear you say.
Dreadful sorry, guys. Can't tell you, you're not a monk.
There was a man driving to Waterworld in Te Rapa in New Zealand. He lived in Raglan, and it was a long drive. His car broke down at Hamilton monastery. The monks said they would fix his car if he would stay the night. He did, and in the middle of the night he heard a noise like mithril clinking together handled by a dwarf. So in the morning he asked what the noise like mithril clinking together handled by a dwarf was. And the monks said they couldn't tell him because he wasn't a monk. So he went on his holiday. He got real wrinkled in the pool and a kid splashed him from the diving board on the way to the hydroslides, but it was real cool, even though there are no spas at Waterworld. And on the way back, he was feeling rather content. Then his car broke down right outside Hamilton monastery. The monks said they would fix his car if he would stay the night. He did, and in the middle of the night he heard a noise like mithril clinking together handled by a dwarf. So in the morning he asked what the noise like mithril clinking together handled by a dwarf was. And the monks said they couldn't tell him becuase he wasn't a monk. And over that year that really bothered him. He kept wondering what was making the noise like mithril clinking together handled by a dwarf. He just couldn't put his finger on it. So what he did was, he went to the monastery again, and his car broke down right in front of it again, and the monks looked at him as if to say: "Not again!
" But they said: "Same deal. Stay the night, and we'll fix your car. So he did. And in the middle of the night he heard a noise like mithril clinking together handled by a dwarf. He couldn't stop himself, and asked them in the morning what was making the sound like mithril clinking together handled bya d warf. The monks said they couldn't tell him, because he wasn't a monk. He asked how he could become a monk. They told him of various tasks, and he scraped through. "Congratulations." they said. "you are now a monk." So the man said; "Now can you show me what was making the sound like mithril clinking together handled by a dwarf?" "Ah," said the monks. "We'll show you."
And the monks led him to an intricately carved wooden door, which they opened with a wooden key, and they opened the wooden door, and the man closed it behind him. And he saw..... a wooden corridor. The monks led him down it. They came to a bronze door, which they opened with a wooden key, and they opened the wooden door, and th eman closed it behind him. And he saw.... a bronze corridor. THe monks led him down it. THey came to a silver door, which they opened with a silver key, and they opened the wooden door, and the man closed it behind him. And e saw...... a gold door, which they opened with a gold key, and they opened the gold door, and the man closed it behind him. And he saw...... A gold passageway. They walked down the gold passageway and they came to a diamond door, which the monks opened with a diamond key, and they opened the door, and the man saw what had been making the noise. It was the most fantastic sight you ever could see....
And do you want to know what it was?
"Yes, yes," I hear you say.
Dreadful sorry, guys. Can't tell you, you're not a monk.
A new joke thread appeared, I chose to move it here where the fun already is flowing. 
Loni posted Saturday 28th February 2004
Crystle caves replyed:
Gildor inglorion:
Asteroth said:
Loni posted Saturday 28th February 2004
Quote:
Right, this forum is for jokes, or whatever. WHen you get bored tell me and chagne the subject.
Alright, this is one I heard yesterday. SIt back, it's quite long.
There was a man who was driving his car to go on holiday. It broke down in front of a monastery. The monks saw and brought him inside. They told him they would fix his car if he would stay the night. He did, but he woke up in the middle of the night to the sound: "TOLKIEN!!! TOLKIEN!!!!" and in the morning he asked the monks what it was. They said they couldn't tell him because he wasn't a monk. So he went on his way the next morning. He had a lovely 3 week holiday, and on the way back, his car brok edown in the front of the very same monastery. THe monks said they would fix his car, but he would have to stay the night. In the middle of the night, he heard the sound: "TOLKIEN! TOLKIEN!" and in the morning he asked the monks what it was. But they said they couldn't tell him because he wasn't a monk. The smae thing happened the next year, and the next, and the next, and the next, and the next, and the next, becuase the car had a tedency to break down in front of that monastery. So in the end, he asked them: "How do I become a monk?" They told him all sorts of requirements, and he passed all of them. So he became a monk. So he asekd them what was making the noise. A monk said he would show the man. So the man followed the monk. They came to a great wooden door, which the monk opened with a wooden key, and closed the wooden door, and they went down a wooden passageway. They came to a steel door, which the monk opened with a steel key, closed the steel door, and they went down a steel passageway. THey came to a bronze door, which the monk opened with a bronze key, they closed the bronze door, and went down a bronze passageway. They came to a silver dookr which the monk opened with a silver key, they closed the silver door, and went down a silver passageway. They came to a gold door, which they opened with a gold key, closed the gold door, and went down the gold passageway. THey came to a diamond door, which they opened with a diamodn key, closed the diamond door, and went down the diamond passageway. And then they came to a mithril door, which the monk opened with a mithril key, and then the man saw the most ownderful sight he had ever seen.............
Right, this forum is for jokes, or whatever. WHen you get bored tell me and chagne the subject.
Alright, this is one I heard yesterday. SIt back, it's quite long.
There was a man who was driving his car to go on holiday. It broke down in front of a monastery. The monks saw and brought him inside. They told him they would fix his car if he would stay the night. He did, but he woke up in the middle of the night to the sound: "TOLKIEN!!! TOLKIEN!!!!" and in the morning he asked the monks what it was. They said they couldn't tell him because he wasn't a monk. So he went on his way the next morning. He had a lovely 3 week holiday, and on the way back, his car brok edown in the front of the very same monastery. THe monks said they would fix his car, but he would have to stay the night. In the middle of the night, he heard the sound: "TOLKIEN! TOLKIEN!" and in the morning he asked the monks what it was. But they said they couldn't tell him because he wasn't a monk. The smae thing happened the next year, and the next, and the next, and the next, and the next, and the next, becuase the car had a tedency to break down in front of that monastery. So in the end, he asked them: "How do I become a monk?" They told him all sorts of requirements, and he passed all of them. So he became a monk. So he asekd them what was making the noise. A monk said he would show the man. So the man followed the monk. They came to a great wooden door, which the monk opened with a wooden key, and closed the wooden door, and they went down a wooden passageway. They came to a steel door, which the monk opened with a steel key, closed the steel door, and they went down a steel passageway. THey came to a bronze door, which the monk opened with a bronze key, they closed the bronze door, and went down a bronze passageway. They came to a silver dookr which the monk opened with a silver key, they closed the silver door, and went down a silver passageway. They came to a gold door, which they opened with a gold key, closed the gold door, and went down the gold passageway. THey came to a diamond door, which they opened with a diamodn key, closed the diamond door, and went down the diamond passageway. And then they came to a mithril door, which the monk opened with a mithril key, and then the man saw the most ownderful sight he had ever seen.............
Crystle caves replyed:
Quote:
And we don't get to know because we're not monks. D*mn! I knew I should have stayed at the monistary!
And we don't get to know because we're not monks. D*mn! I knew I should have stayed at the monistary!
Gildor inglorion:
Quote:
Well.... you can tell me because l'm a monk to..... so what was inside it? You can trust me....
Well.... you can tell me because l'm a monk to..... so what was inside it? You can trust me....
Asteroth said:
Quote:
I think we already have a "Jokes" Topic, in one of the inns.
Also, why is this topic under the "Roleplaying Guilds" section?
I think we already have a "Jokes" Topic, in one of the inns.
Also, why is this topic under the "Roleplaying Guilds" section?
Amarie, you didn't have to carry that thread here since Cyrstle caves have re-wrote her joke in this thread. But again, you're the council member
I'm not sure what you are trying to say Aster my friend.
I moved it becuase we already have a jokes thread, and hiding another one in the Roleplaying Guild is not very practical.
Yes I am A council member but I am not THE council memeber.
Ahahaaaa I'm so funny.. not. Well back to class.
I moved it becuase we already have a jokes thread, and hiding another one in the Roleplaying Guild is not very practical.
Yes I am A council member but I am not THE council memeber.
Ahahaaaa I'm so funny.. not. Well back to class.
Yeah, i'm not saying anything about it. I'm just pointing that the same message is posted in the 65. page of this thread. (The second one from the end) It wouldn't be a problem if you deleted the whole thread in the roleplaying guild.
Ah, you mean Lonis two almost completly identical jokes. Didn't understand what CC had to do with it. Loni rewrote her own joke and posted it in a new thread.
I have said I will delete the thread in the roleplaying guild, I'm just letting Loni get the chance to read that I have moved her post here.
I have said I will delete the thread in the roleplaying guild, I'm just letting Loni get the chance to read that I have moved her post here.
Okkie dokkie boss
Guess the problem's over then
P.S. That was a very lousy joke btw.
Guess the problem's over then
P.S. That was a very lousy joke btw.
ACH... i got your resized pics, many thanks Amarie...
Only problem i have is actually uploading them from the relevant files, Eee Gads i'm such a technophobe!
No fair.
Dammit, its Impossible, i've tried every contingency... *tearing hair out* followed the instructions as per "help", still wont upload!!!
Only problem i have is actually uploading them from the relevant files, Eee Gads i'm such a technophobe!
No fair.
Dammit, its Impossible, i've tried every contingency... *tearing hair out* followed the instructions as per "help", still wont upload!!!
YES!!! at last i Did IT
Wooooohoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Badass Isildur putting one up Elrond's proverbial...(like youz lot didnt know, but hey i'm all excited with my new avatar, its the little things!)
Wooooohoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Badass Isildur putting one up Elrond's proverbial...(like youz lot didnt know, but hey i'm all excited with my new avatar, its the little things!)
Lol, I'm glad you made it Aelric! Looking good! 
Now let's get back to the jokes, shall we?
Now let's get back to the jokes, shall we?
Woohooo... i made it through the maze of bad jokes and repeats. (actually, alot of them were quite good) it took me about 3 weeks to do so, and many hours of making excuses to be on a jokes site in school, but i made it..... now i have a request to make
does anyone know any math related jokes...
that was kinda one of my excuses, so now i need enough to put togeather as an assignment for math class...
thank you
does anyone know any math related jokes...
that was kinda one of my excuses, so now i need enough to put togeather as an assignment for math class...
thank you
Quote:
does anyone know any math related jokes...
I have two. The first is from my real life. The second is a groaner. does anyone know any math related jokes...
Miss Celia Klotz was the best math teacher I ever had. When I was taking Calculus from her and we caught her in a mistake as she was at the blackboard explaining where we went wrong on a homework problem, she would say, "When I wrote down A, I meant to write down B, while all along it should have been C."
Then there was the constipated mathematician who worked everything out with a pencil.
I did warn you it was a groaner. 
Pretty funny grondy.
HAHAHA Thanks
Two Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift.
He tells them that he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it.
Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave.
The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back with the 20,000 bowling balls, will he take them, so he agrees.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way.
By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding.
The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies with sarcasm " Scouse eggs". The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.
He rushes back to his cruiser and gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.
The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that he requires so many officers.
"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and they have managed to nick a motorbike already."
I hope youz like that folks, some of it may be lost in translation as its a British joke, dealing with some silly stereotypes, so alter to fit your own... this isnt intended to offend - WE brits tend to be able to laugh at ourselves, in spite of all the PoliticallyCorrect Nonsense!
He tells them that he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it.
Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave.
The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back with the 20,000 bowling balls, will he take them, so he agrees.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way.
By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding.
The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies with sarcasm " Scouse eggs". The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.
He rushes back to his cruiser and gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.
The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that he requires so many officers.
"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and they have managed to nick a motorbike already."
I hope youz like that folks, some of it may be lost in translation as its a British joke, dealing with some silly stereotypes, so alter to fit your own... this isnt intended to offend - WE brits tend to be able to laugh at ourselves, in spite of all the PoliticallyCorrect Nonsense!
Lol, nice!v
l'm sorrybut what is "Scouse"? ? ?
A person that comes from Liverpool, England UK
A definition of reasons and history :-
The word comes from lobscouse, a sailor's (very likely a Norwegian sailor) dish of stewed meat, vegetables, and ship's biscuit, not unlike Irish stew.
Lobscouser became a slang name for a sailor. As a port city, Liverpool became known for this dish.
The word Scouser came to refer to a native of Liverpool, the city where they ate scouse, and Scouse referred also to the pronunciations and usages of that speech community.
Can some one tell me if there is a better "definition" of a Scouser?
S is for Sardonic sense of humour C is for Comedian born and Bred O is for Only supports one soccer team (Liverpool) U is for Unswerving love for all things Liverpool S is for Scouse eater E is for Eulogizes Liverpool at every opportunity R is for Rejoices in a good argument
OR
Lab Skaas is a fish stew deriving from Norway. A dish called Lab Scaus is also eaten in the sea ports of Northern Germany. Labscause (Lob Scouse in the local dialect) became a popular dish in the Liverpool area, probably introduced by sailors docking in the port. Lob Scouse is a stew containing mutton, potato, carrot and onions a variant or mutation due in part to the large amount of Irish migrants who mixed it with their own dish.
The popularity of this dish in the Liverpool area led to locals being termed "Scousers".
And there you have it.
A definition of reasons and history :-
The word comes from lobscouse, a sailor's (very likely a Norwegian sailor) dish of stewed meat, vegetables, and ship's biscuit, not unlike Irish stew.
Lobscouser became a slang name for a sailor. As a port city, Liverpool became known for this dish.
The word Scouser came to refer to a native of Liverpool, the city where they ate scouse, and Scouse referred also to the pronunciations and usages of that speech community.
Can some one tell me if there is a better "definition" of a Scouser?
S is for Sardonic sense of humour C is for Comedian born and Bred O is for Only supports one soccer team (Liverpool) U is for Unswerving love for all things Liverpool S is for Scouse eater E is for Eulogizes Liverpool at every opportunity R is for Rejoices in a good argument
OR
Lab Skaas is a fish stew deriving from Norway. A dish called Lab Scaus is also eaten in the sea ports of Northern Germany. Labscause (Lob Scouse in the local dialect) became a popular dish in the Liverpool area, probably introduced by sailors docking in the port. Lob Scouse is a stew containing mutton, potato, carrot and onions a variant or mutation due in part to the large amount of Irish migrants who mixed it with their own dish.
The popularity of this dish in the Liverpool area led to locals being termed "Scousers".
And there you have it.
This famous lawyer who has never lost a case is duck hunting, so he shoots a duck and it lands on the other side of a property line,when he crosses the line to retrieve it this 90yr. old man drives up on a tractor and asks "what r u doing"and the lawyer replies"getting my duck"and the old man says "it landed on my property its my duck"and tha lawyer answers"do u no who i am?im the best lawyer in the world! iv never lost a case ! i will sue u fer every cent u have!"and the old man says"lets settle this the old fashioned way,i kick u 3 times then u kick me 3 times until one of us backs down!"the lawyer says"okay"cause the man was like 90,well the old man was wearin steel-toed boots.so the old man kicks him in the shin,stummick,and face.Then the lawyer says"ow!al;right now its my turn!"and the old man says"I give up u can have the duck!"
Ok prbably gonna get slammed for this but i tried to find the "Footie Anyone?" thread but no joy, but being as this is a satirical look at British Football i'm confident some of ya out there will love it...
Its long but well worth it!
Enjoy...
Subject: THE GARY NEVILLE DIARIES
Friday Put the cones out for Sir today and he glanced at me. Made me feel special. He never looks at Phil like that. Told Mum and she said I have to share but that's not fair because I got to the cones first. Moustache looks a bit thicker today.
Saturday Won today but I didn't play :-( Watched MUTV all night to see whether Sir said he missed me. Am sure they edited it out. Hung out with Rio until he told me to 'go away innit'. Will tell Sir tomorrow. Deffo not a penalty today - gave that girl Boa Morte a nasty stare after the game to let him know that I know. Man in wheelchair laughed at my moustache. Cried myself to sleep.
Sunday Took Sir an apple. But Weasley :-) gave him a bottle of red wine so he'll probably play on Tuesday. Creep. Went to Mum's for dinner but she tried to make me eat sprouts and then laughed when I banged my fists on the kitchen lino. She won't laugh again. Read Sir's book in bed. Coloured in moustache with marker. Looks manly.
Monday Rained at training. Marker wasn't permanent.
Tuesday (early) Playing tonight so was definitely worth washing bibs for Sir. Looked at papers and I was in them again! Will put in scrapbook. So glad said Porto don't act like men. Am really getting good at this mind games business. Photo on back of The Sun made my moustache look thin but Mum says it's just the ink. She says I look handsome.
Tuesday (late) Not fair. Not fair. Not fair. It was a goal and we should have won and someone pushed me and someone tried to hurt Ronaldo and the girls dived on the floor and the referee blew the whistle before we could score and they celebrated in front of OUR fans and that made me so angry but I had to go and tell the TV that they deserved it (they didn't and I had my fingers crossed. Ha!). It's just not fair because we're the best team in the whole wide world. Have given Philip a Chinese burn for that free-kick and told Sir to sell him.
Wednesday Sir not happy today. He didn't even cheer up when I gave him my drawing. Wonder if he'll put it on his fridge with the others? Saw a small boy laughing at me so held him down until he said that Manchester United were the best team in the whole wide world. Feel better now. Bought some Re-Gane and put on top lip. Can't wait until the morning to see my bushy, manly 'tache.
Thursday Phoned David to ask him to ask Elton about hair transplants. He said he was, "too busy preparing for the quarter-finals of the Champions League". Am going to tell Sir and then I'm going to fly to Spain and then hold him down until he says that Manchester United are the best team in the whole wide world. And I'm going to take back the Man United sovereign ring I sent him for Christmas. Update: Mum says I can't go to Spain.
Monday Still can't believe he sent those text messages to yukky girls too. Everyone knows girls smell. Have been crying every night for a week. Told Mum it was Phil's fault and she made him stand in the corner. Even when his wife was there. Ha. Still got one text message from him. The special one - 'I'm going to hold you down and **** your *******'. Later: Have looked in Mum's crossword dictionary. Thicko spelt 'shave' and 'moustache' wrong.
Tuesday "And the ball falls to the brilliant Gary Neville with his lovely thick moustache and he makes no mistake and lashes home the ball. The crowd go wild - there's nobody these Old Trafford fans love more than Gary Neville...And there's Sir Alex Ferguson with a tear in his eye. He loves Gary and his thick moustache like a son..." Sir even patted me on the back and said 'Well done, Phil'. Bet Rebecca 'Stinky' Loos(ha) couldn't score against Leicester.
Wednesday Gave Sir the tea cosy I knitted to match the doilies. Think he liked it because I saw him smile when he showed it to Keano. Maybe I should do one for him too. In green :-) Then maybe he won't tie my shoelaces together again :-( Went to Mum's for tea. Ran the length of the kitchen to appeal her decision to let Phil lick out the cake bowl. Made Mum cry but at least I got to lick out the bowl! Moustache definitely looks thicker today.
Thursday Said 'howdy' to Tim in training and he told me to '****ing **** off you little ****'. Said 'yo' to Rio and he said exactly the same. Maybe this Tourettes thing is spreading. Would tell Sir but think he's got it too. Saw 'Stinky' Loos on TV. She looks really smelly. Tried to draw a little moustache (not mustach, thicko) on her face but she kept moving. Update: This marker was permanent. Mum says I need to buy her a new TV.
Friday Not fair, not fair, not fair. Graham Poll is in the papers saying I'm a diver but Mum says I can't call The Sun and say he's got a big bum. It's not fair because he started it. And he has got a big bum.
Saturday "And the ball falls to the brilliant Gary Neville with his lovely thick moustache and he tries an audacious overhead kick. Is nothing beyond the talents of Old Trafford's favourite son? But a cheating, handballing nobody who plays for a nothing team pushes the ball over the bar to deny brave Neville, his thick moustache and the greatest team in the whole wide world yet another goal..." The referee didn't crack like Mum did. He didn't even cry. Gave Matt 'Who?' Taylor my nastiest glare after the game. And then I saw his Mum and glared at her too. His Dad was bigger than me so stopped there.
Sunday There's another yukky girl in the papers telling yukky stories about how yukky David made her feel so yucking special. How can he do this to me? Watched a programme about skin grafts - they take the skin from a place that nobody sees and put it in the place where you need the skin. Has given me an idea about thickening my moustache...
Following on from Gary Neville........
Gerard Houllier's diary.................................. SUNDAY: Spent the morning reading the reports of yesterday's game. Wild overexaggeration, as always. Cannot for the life of me understand the phrases they throw at me. What is this nonsense about consistency? Workrate? Goals? Made a note to tell the press that these are exactly the attributes I have instilled in my team. Once I point it out to them, I'm sure they'll see what I mean. At least the real fans are with me. They know what I'm trying to achieve here. Received a phonecall from Kirky. Apparently, he broke his thumb on the TV remote last night. Have told him not to worry. His England chance will Come eventually. Caught Salif rummaging through my bins again. Tried to grab him, but he ran away. Seemed to be giggling uncontrollably.
MONDAY: Dioufy rang in first thing. He says he's too busy to train today. I'm a little disappointed, but he's promised that his performance won't Be affected. The boys played some five-a-side, and all looked very sharp. Milan hit the back of the net with every shot, and I've promised him that, as long as he works hard on his tackling, I'll find a position in the team for him shortly. Emile gave me a nice chocolate bar after training. He told me he was worried about his lack of goals in training. I gave him a big cuddle, and he left smiling. I'm so proud of my boys.
TUESDAY Dioufy rang in first thing. Apparently he is feeling a bit sick, so he can't come in. It must be bad, I'm sure I could hear the voices of two nurses in the background. Told the boys to practice their penalties in training today. Steven hit the target every time. He'll make useful back-up if ever Michael is injured. Followed that with some endurance running. It's amazing how fit these players are, almost as if they hadn't put in any effort in the last match. Unfortunately, Danny didn't complete the course after running into a letterbox. Says he didn't see it at all, which is a little confusing. I'm hopeful he'll be OK for the match on Saturday though. Gave the boys a tactical lesson in the afternoon. It's a pleasure to see their brows so furrowed in concentration. Devised a cunning ploy to confuse the opposition. Have told Sami to kick the ball long to Emile, and Emile to bluff defences by NOT jumping for it. In the ensuing confusion, it'll be easy for Michael to nip in and grab a goal. Everyone else seems to be having trouble grasping the concept, but Emile just smiled at me, to show he understands. I can always rely on Emile.
WEDNESDAY. Dioufy can't make it again. He says he is still suffering from a virus, but that he's thinking about the game at all times. I really do admire that boy's attitude. Some of the boys requested that we do some work on corners and free kicks today, but I told them that, at this stage in their progression, it is far more important to work on our fluidity. So, instead, we staged a full practice match and I discovered not only that Danny has the makings of a world class centre half, but also that Djimi, with his raw pace, might be worth a try on the wing some day. Have made a note of it, maybe to Try in the Uefa cup next season. Phil returned from his scouting trip today. I'm saving the club so much namley by only using the Eurostar for these excursions, I just know Rick will be pleased. Phil tells me he's seen an exciting player in a match between Monaco and St. Etienne. Etienne lost 6-1, but apparently they have a young midfielder with a tough tackle, and an eye for a pass. Could be the next Patrick Vieira. I've sent Phil back straightaway to see how many positions the lad can play. I've a feeling he might be useful back-up for Dioufy. Caught Stephanie looking at me darkly today. You'd think that since I a the only manager to ever put him in his natural position, he'd be a little more grateful. Got home to find a big bouquet of flowers on my doorstep, from 'E'. Have no idea who this might be, but they've brightened the place up much more than those dusty pictures of Zinedine. He never calls anymore.
THURSDAY. Still no sign of Salif, although I'm sure I saw him running through the background on the news last night, wearing that underwear I'm missing. Got a phonecall from police in Spain to say that they found Dioufy asleep in a car park in Barcelona. Looks like he's been out there for the whole week clubbing. I have to say, I'm a little disappointed with his attitude, but I know it's out of character, and when I see him I'll let him know that his place in the squad is safe. I always expected him to reach a plateau about now anyway. An agent representing someone called Joaquin called me today to say that his client might be interested in a move to Liverpool. Have to say, I'm very angry that people are trying to unsettle Danny and Dioufy. Put the phone down on him. Lively training today though, and I would say Michael is about 67.4% sharp now. He'll be banging in the goals soon enough. Emile scored one as well, but started to cry when Steven said 'about time too'. I gave him a cuddle and he asked if he could come over for Dinner to discuss his future. Unfortunately, I have plans with the wife tonight, so I had to say no. He looked so sad.
FRIDAY. Let the boys relax today. The champions league will be decided soon, and I don't want my poor lambs mentally burnt out before the end of the season. Caught Jamie turning Sky sports on, and only just stopped him before everyone else saw. I can't have my boys listening to any of the nasty lies those 'news' channels churn out. A letter arrived today addressed to 'M. O'Neill'. Very strange indeed, but Rick said it must just be a fault with the postal system. Salif finally turned up for training, but spent most of the day sat in corner muttering to himself, and giggling. Steven says he's crazy, but I'm glad I bought him - a dressing room needs some character, and Salif lightens the place up a lot. Told the boys my team selection for tomorrow, and they were so supportive, all just silently agreeing with me. It's so nice to run a club with no dissent whatsoever. I've decided to give young Anthony's left foot another try tomorrow. He has the makings of an excellent left winger. Told the boys to get an early night in preparation for the big game tomorrow. Although I never like to focus too much on the opposition, I have told my boys to approach the game with total caution. They may be 4th from bottom, but I can see what talent they have, and they might even make a late surge for our precious, our champions league spot. We need to be focused. SATURDAY I cannot write anything today. I am so angry with that linesman. Emile came off the pitch in tears again. How are we supposed to progress if nobody will stop attacking my poor players?
SUNDAY Spent the morning reading the reports of yesterday's game. Wild overexaggeration, as always. Cannot for the life of me underst... [reply] [Complain about this post]
Diaries Found! spencer pritchard - 40th post - 21 Apr 2004 13:35
Subject: THE GARY NEVILLE DIARIES
Friday Put the cones out for Sir today and he glanced at me. Made me feel special. He never looks at Phil like that. Told Mum and she said I have to share but that's not fair because I got to the cones first. Moustache looks a bit thicker today.
Saturday Won today but I didn't play :-( Watched MUTV all night to see whether Sir said he missed me. Am sure they edited it out. Hung out with Rio until he told me to 'go away innit'. Will tell Sir tomorrow. Deffo not a penalty today - gave that girl Boa Morte a nasty stare after the game to let him know that I know. Man in wheelchair laughed at my moustache. Cried myself to sleep.
Sunday Took Sir an apple. But Weasley :-) gave him a bottle of red wine so he'll probably play on Tuesday. Creep. Went to Mum's for dinner but she tried to make me eat sprouts and then laughed when I banged my fists on the kitchen lino. She won't laugh again. Read Sir's book in bed. Coloured in moustache with marker. Looks manly.
Monday Rained at training. Marker wasn't permanent.
Tuesday (early) Playing tonight so was definitely worth washing bibs for Sir. Looked at papers and I was in them again! Will put in scrapbook. So glad said Porto don't act like men. Am really getting good at this mind games business. Photo on back of The Sun made my moustache look thin but Mum says it's just the ink. She says I look handsome.
Tuesday (late) Not fair. Not fair. Not fair. It was a goal and we should have won and someone pushed me and someone tried to hurt Ronaldo and the girls dived on the floor and the referee blew the whistle before we could score and they celebrated in front of OUR fans and that made me so angry but I had to go and tell the TV that they deserved it (they didn't and I had my fingers crossed. Ha!). It's just not fair because we're the best team in the whole wide world. Have given Philip a Chinese burn for that free-kick and told Sir to sell him.
Wednesday Sir not happy today. He didn't even cheer up when I gave him my drawing. Wonder if he'll put it on his fridge with the others? Saw a small boy laughing at me so held him down until he said that Manchester United were the best team in the whole wide world. Feel better now. Bought some Re-Gane and put on top lip. Can't wait until the morning to see my bushy, manly 'tache.
Thursday Phoned David to ask him to ask Elton about hair transplants. He said he was, "too busy preparing for the quarter-finals of the Champions League". Am going to tell Sir and then I'm going to fly to Spain and then hold him down until he says that Manchester United are the best team in the whole wide world. And I'm going to take back the Man United sovereign ring I sent him for Christmas. Update: Mum says I can't go to Spain.
Monday Still can't believe he sent those text messages to yukky girls too. Everyone knows girls smell. Have been crying every night for a week. Told Mum it was Phil's fault and she made him stand in the corner. Even when his wife was there. Ha. Still got one text message from him. The special one - 'I'm going to hold you down and **** your *******'. Later: Have looked in Mum's crossword dictionary. Thicko spelt 'shave' and 'moustache' wrong.
Tuesday "And the ball falls to the brilliant Gary Neville with his lovely thick moustache and he makes no mistake and lashes home the ball. The crowd go wild - there's nobody these Old Trafford fans love more than Gary Neville...And there's Sir Alex Ferguson with a tear in his eye. He loves Gary and his thick moustache like a son..." Sir even patted me on the back and said 'Well done, Phil'. Bet Rebecca 'Stinky' Loos(ha) couldn't score against Leicester.
Wednesday Gave Sir the tea cosy I knitted to match the doilies. Think he liked it because I saw him smile when he showed it to Keano. Maybe I should do one for him too. In green :-) Then maybe he won't tie my shoelaces together again :-( Went to Mum's for tea. Ran the length of the kitchen to appeal her decision to let Phil lick out the cake bowl. Made Mum cry but at least I got to lick out the bowl! Moustache definitely looks thicker today.
Thursday Said 'howdy' to Tim in training and he told me to '****ing **** off you little ****'. Said 'yo' to Rio and he said exactly the same. Maybe this Tourettes thing is spreading. Would tell Sir but think he's got it too. Saw 'Stinky' Loos on TV. She looks really smelly. Tried to draw a little moustache (not mustach, thicko) on her face but she kept moving. Update: This marker was permanent. Mum says I need to buy her a new TV.
Friday Not fair, not fair, not fair. Graham Poll is in the papers saying I'm a diver but Mum says I can't call The Sun and say he's got a big bum. It's not fair because he started it. And he has got a big bum.
Saturday "And the ball falls to the brilliant Gary Neville with his lovely thick moustache and he tries an audacious overhead kick. Is nothing beyond the talents of Old Trafford's favourite son? But a cheating, handballing nobody who plays for a nothing team pushes the ball over the bar to deny brave Neville, his thick moustache and the greatest team in the whole wide world yet another goal..." The referee didn't crack like Mum did. He didn't even cry. Gave Matt 'Who?' Taylor my nastiest glare after the game. And then I saw his Mum and glared at her too. His Dad was bigger than me so stopped there.
Sunday There's another yukky girl in the papers telling yukky stories about how yukky David made her feel so yucking special. How can he do this to me? Watched a programme about skin grafts - they take the skin from a place that nobody sees and put it in the place where you need the skin. Has given me an idea about thickening my moustache...
Following on from Gary Neville........
Gerard Houllier's diary.................................. SUNDAY: Spent the morning reading the reports of yesterday's game. Wild overexaggeration, as always. Cannot for the life of me understand the phrases they throw at me. What is this nonsense about consistency? Workrate? Goals? Made a note to tell the press that these are exactly the attributes I have instilled in my team. Once I point it out to them, I'm sure they'll see what I mean. At least the real fans are with me. They know what I'm trying to achieve here. Received a phonecall from Kirky. Apparently, he broke his thumb on the TV remote last night. Have told him not to worry. His England chance will Come eventually. Caught Salif rummaging through my bins again. Tried to grab him, but he ran away. Seemed to be giggling uncontrollably.
MONDAY: Dioufy rang in first thing. He says he's too busy to train today. I'm a little disappointed, but he's promised that his performance won't Be affected. The boys played some five-a-side, and all looked very sharp. Milan hit the back of the net with every shot, and I've promised him that, as long as he works hard on his tackling, I'll find a position in the team for him shortly. Emile gave me a nice chocolate bar after training. He told me he was worried about his lack of goals in training. I gave him a big cuddle, and he left smiling. I'm so proud of my boys.
TUESDAY Dioufy rang in first thing. Apparently he is feeling a bit sick, so he can't come in. It must be bad, I'm sure I could hear the voices of two nurses in the background. Told the boys to practice their penalties in training today. Steven hit the target every time. He'll make useful back-up if ever Michael is injured. Followed that with some endurance running. It's amazing how fit these players are, almost as if they hadn't put in any effort in the last match. Unfortunately, Danny didn't complete the course after running into a letterbox. Says he didn't see it at all, which is a little confusing. I'm hopeful he'll be OK for the match on Saturday though. Gave the boys a tactical lesson in the afternoon. It's a pleasure to see their brows so furrowed in concentration. Devised a cunning ploy to confuse the opposition. Have told Sami to kick the ball long to Emile, and Emile to bluff defences by NOT jumping for it. In the ensuing confusion, it'll be easy for Michael to nip in and grab a goal. Everyone else seems to be having trouble grasping the concept, but Emile just smiled at me, to show he understands. I can always rely on Emile.
WEDNESDAY. Dioufy can't make it again. He says he is still suffering from a virus, but that he's thinking about the game at all times. I really do admire that boy's attitude. Some of the boys requested that we do some work on corners and free kicks today, but I told them that, at this stage in their progression, it is far more important to work on our fluidity. So, instead, we staged a full practice match and I discovered not only that Danny has the makings of a world class centre half, but also that Djimi, with his raw pace, might be worth a try on the wing some day. Have made a note of it, maybe to Try in the Uefa cup next season. Phil returned from his scouting trip today. I'm saving the club so much namley by only using the Eurostar for these excursions, I just know Rick will be pleased. Phil tells me he's seen an exciting player in a match between Monaco and St. Etienne. Etienne lost 6-1, but apparently they have a young midfielder with a tough tackle, and an eye for a pass. Could be the next Patrick Vieira. I've sent Phil back straightaway to see how many positions the lad can play. I've a feeling he might be useful back-up for Dioufy. Caught Stephanie looking at me darkly today. You'd think that since I a the only manager to ever put him in his natural position, he'd be a little more grateful. Got home to find a big bouquet of flowers on my doorstep, from 'E'. Have no idea who this might be, but they've brightened the place up much more than those dusty pictures of Zinedine. He never calls anymore.
THURSDAY. Still no sign of Salif, although I'm sure I saw him running through the background on the news last night, wearing that underwear I'm missing. Got a phonecall from police in Spain to say that they found Dioufy asleep in a car park in Barcelona. Looks like he's been out there for the whole week clubbing. I have to say, I'm a little disappointed with his attitude, but I know it's out of character, and when I see him I'll let him know that his place in the squad is safe. I always expected him to reach a plateau about now anyway. An agent representing someone called Joaquin called me today to say that his client might be interested in a move to Liverpool. Have to say, I'm very angry that people are trying to unsettle Danny and Dioufy. Put the phone down on him. Lively training today though, and I would say Michael is about 67.4% sharp now. He'll be banging in the goals soon enough. Emile scored one as well, but started to cry when Steven said 'about time too'. I gave him a cuddle and he asked if he could come over for Dinner to discuss his future. Unfortunately, I have plans with the wife tonight, so I had to say no. He looked so sad.
FRIDAY. Let the boys relax today. The champions league will be decided soon, and I don't want my poor lambs mentally burnt out before the end of the season. Caught Jamie turning Sky sports on, and only just stopped him before everyone else saw. I can't have my boys listening to any of the nasty lies those 'news' channels churn out. A letter arrived today addressed to 'M. O'Neill'. Very strange indeed, but Rick said it must just be a fault with the postal system. Salif finally turned up for training, but spent most of the day sat in corner muttering to himself, and giggling. Steven says he's crazy, but I'm glad I bought him - a dressing room needs some character, and Salif lightens the place up a lot. Told the boys my team selection for tomorrow, and they were so supportive, all just silently agreeing with me. It's so nice to run a club with no dissent whatsoever. I've decided to give young Anthony's left foot another try tomorrow. He has the makings of an excellent left winger. Told the boys to get an early night in preparation for the big game tomorrow. Although I never like to focus too much on the opposition, I have told my boys to approach the game with total caution. They may be 4th from bottom, but I can see what talent they have, and they might even make a late surge for our precious, our champions league spot. We need to be focused. SATURDAY I cannot write anything today. I am so angry with that linesman. Emile came off the pitch in tears again. How are we supposed to progress if nobody will stop attacking my poor players?
SUNDAY Spent the morning reading the reports of yesterday's game. Wild overexaggeration, as always. Cannot for the life of me underst... [reply] [Complain about this post]
Diaries Found! spencer pritchard - 39th post - 21 Apr 2004 13:34
Subject: THE GARY NEVILLE DIARIES
Friday Put the cones out for Sir today and he glanced at me. Made me feel special. He never looks at Phil like that. Told Mum and she said I have to share but that's not fair because I got to the cones first. Moustache looks a bit thicker today.
Saturday Won today but I didn't play :-( Watched MUTV all night to see whether Sir said he missed me. Am sure they edited it out. Hung out with Rio until he told me to 'go away innit'. Will tell Sir tomorrow. Deffo not a penalty today - gave that girl Boa Morte a nasty stare after the game to let him know that I know. Man in wheelchair laughed at my moustache. Cried myself to sleep.
Sunday Took Sir an apple. But Weasley :-) gave him a bottle of red wine so he'll probably play on Tuesday. Creep. Went to Mum's for dinner but she tried to make me eat sprouts and then laughed when I banged my fists on the kitchen lino. She won't laugh again. Read Sir's book in bed. Coloured in moustache with marker. Looks manly.
Monday Rained at training. Marker wasn't permanent.
Tuesday (early) Playing tonight so was definitely worth washing bibs for Sir. Looked at papers and I was in them again! Will put in scrapbook. So glad said Porto don't act like men. Am really getting good at this mind games business. Photo on back of The Sun made my moustache look thin but Mum says it's just the ink. She says I look handsome.
Tuesday (late) Not fair. Not fair. Not fair. It was a goal and we should have won and someone pushed me and someone tried to hurt Ronaldo and the girls dived on the floor and the referee blew the whistle before we could score and they celebrated in front of OUR fans and that made me so angry but I had to go and tell the TV that they deserved it (they didn't and I had my fingers crossed. Ha!). It's just not fair because we're the best team in the whole wide world. Have given Philip a Chinese burn for that free-kick and told Sir to sell him.
Wednesday Sir not happy today. He didn't even cheer up when I gave him my drawing. Wonder if he'll put it on his fridge with the others? Saw a small boy laughing at me so held him down until he said that Manchester United were the best team in the whole wide world. Feel better now. Bought some Re-Gane and put on top lip. Can't wait until the morning to see my bushy, manly 'tache.
Thursday Phoned David to ask him to ask Elton about hair transplants. He said he was, "too busy preparing for the quarter-finals of the Champions League". Am going to tell Sir and then I'm going to fly to Spain and then hold him down until he says that Manchester United are the best team in the whole wide world. And I'm going to take back the Man United sovereign ring I sent him for Christmas. Update: Mum says I can't go to Spain.
Monday Still can't believe he sent those text messages to yukky girls too. Everyone knows girls smell. Have been crying every night for a week. Told Mum it was Phil's fault and she made him stand in the corner. Even when his wife was there. Ha. Still got one text message from him. The special one - 'I'm going to hold you down and **** your *******'. Later: Have looked in Mum's crossword dictionary. Thicko spelt 'shave' and 'moustache' wrong.
Tuesday "And the ball falls to the brilliant Gary Neville with his lovely thick moustache and he makes no mistake and lashes home the ball. The crowd go wild - there's nobody these Old Trafford fans love more than Gary Neville...And there's Sir Alex Ferguson with a tear in his eye. He loves Gary and his thick moustache like a son..." Sir even patted me on the back and said 'Well done, Phil'. Bet Rebecca 'Stinky' Loos(ha) couldn't score against Leicester.
Wednesday Gave Sir the tea cosy I knitted to match the doilies. Think he liked it because I saw him smile when he showed it to Keano. Maybe I should do one for him too. In green :-) Then maybe he won't tie my shoelaces together again :-( Went to Mum's for tea. Ran the length of the kitchen to appeal her decision to let Phil lick out the cake bowl. Made Mum cry but at least I got to lick out the bowl! Moustache definitely looks thicker today.
Thursday Said 'howdy' to Tim in training and he told me to '****ing **** off you little ****'. Said 'yo' to Rio and he said exactly the same. Maybe this Tourettes thing is spreading. Would tell Sir but think he's got it too. Saw 'Stinky' Loos on TV. She looks really smelly. Tried to draw a little moustache (not mustach, thicko) on her face but she kept moving. Update: This marker was permanent. Mum says I need to buy her a new TV.
Friday Not fair, not fair, not fair. Graham Poll is in the papers saying I'm a diver but Mum says I can't call The Sun and say he's got a big bum. It's not fair because he started it. And he has got a big bum.
Saturday "And the ball falls to the brilliant Gary Neville with his lovely thick moustache and he tries an audacious overhead kick. Is nothing beyond the talents of Old Trafford's favourite son? But a cheating, handballing nobody who plays for a nothing team pushes the ball over the bar to deny brave Neville, his thick moustache and the greatest team in the whole wide world yet another goal..." The referee didn't crack like Mum did. He didn't even cry. Gave Matt 'Who?' Taylor my nastiest glare after the game. And then I saw his Mum and glared at her too. His Dad was bigger than me so stopped there.
Sunday There's another yukky girl in the papers telling yukky stories about how yukky David made her feel so yucking special. How can he do this to me? Watched a programme about skin grafts - they take the skin from a place that nobody sees and put it in the place where you need the skin. Has given me an idea about thickening my moustache...
Following on from Gary Neville........
Gerard Houllier's diary.................................. SUNDAY: Spent the morning reading the reports of yesterday's game. Wild overexaggeration, as always. Cannot for the life of me understand the phrases they throw at me. What is this nonsense about consistency? Workrate? Goals? Made a note to tell the press that these are exactly the attributes I have instilled in my team. Once I point it out to them, I'm sure they'll see what I mean. At least the real fans are with me. They know what I'm trying to achieve here. Received a phonecall from Kirky. Apparently, he broke his thumb on the TV remote last night. Have told him not to worry. His England chance will Come eventually. Caught Salif rummaging through my bins again. Tried to grab him, but he ran away. Seemed to be giggling uncontrollably.
MONDAY: Dioufy rang in first thing. He says he's too busy to train today. I'm a little disappointed, but he's promised that his performance won't Be affected. The boys played some five-a-side, and all looked very sharp. Milan hit the back of the net with every shot, and I've promised him that, as long as he works hard on his tackling, I'll find a position in the team for him shortly. Emile gave me a nice chocolate bar after training. He told me he was worried about his lack of goals in training. I gave him a big cuddle, and he left smiling. I'm so proud of my boys.
TUESDAY Dioufy rang in first thing. Apparently he is feeling a bit sick, so he can't come in. It must be bad, I'm sure I could hear the voices of two nurses in the background. Told the boys to practice their penalties in training today. Steven hit the target every time. He'll make useful back-up if ever Michael is injured. Followed that with some endurance running. It's amazing how fit these players are, almost as if they hadn't put in any effort in the last match. Unfortunately, Danny didn't complete the course after running into a letterbox. Says he didn't see it at all, which is a little confusing. I'm hopeful he'll be OK for the match on Saturday though. Gave the boys a tactical lesson in the afternoon. It's a pleasure to see their brows so furrowed in concentration. Devised a cunning ploy to confuse the opposition. Have told Sami to kick the ball long to Emile, and Emile to bluff defences by NOT jumping for it. In the ensuing confusion, it'll be easy for Michael to nip in and grab a goal. Everyone else seems to be having trouble grasping the concept, but Emile just smiled at me, to show he understands. I can always rely on Emile.
WEDNESDAY. Dioufy can't make it again. He says he is still suffering from a virus, but that he's thinking about the game at all times. I really do admire that boy's attitude. Some of the boys requested that we do some work on corners and free kicks today, but I told them that, at this stage in their progression, it is far more important to work on our fluidity. So, instead, we staged a full practice match and I discovered not only that Danny has the makings of a world class centre half, but also that Djimi, with his raw pace, might be worth a try on the wing some day. Have made a note of it, maybe to Try in the Uefa cup next season. Phil returned from his scouting trip today. I'm saving the club so much namley by only using the Eurostar for these excursions, I just know Rick will be pleased. Phil tells me he's seen an exciting player in a match between Monaco and St. Etienne. Etienne lost 6-1, but apparently they have a young midfielder with a tough tackle, and an eye for a pass. Could be the next Patrick Vieira. I've sent Phil back straightaway to see how many positions the lad can play. I've a feeling he might be useful back-up for Dioufy. Caught Stephanie looking at me darkly today. You'd think that since I a the only manager to ever put him in his natural position, he'd be a little more grateful. Got home to find a big bouquet of flowers on my doorstep, from 'E'. Have no idea who this might be, but they've brightened the place up much more than those dusty pictures of Zinedine. He never calls anymore.
THURSDAY. Still no sign of Salif, although I'm sure I saw him running through the background on the news last night, wearing that underwear I'm missing. Got a phonecall from police in Spain to say that they found Dioufy asleep in a car park in Barcelona. Looks like he's been out there for the whole week clubbing. I have to say, I'm a little disappointed with his attitude, but I know it's out of character, and when I see him I'll let him know that his place in the squad is safe. I always expected him to reach a plateau about now anyway. An agent representing someone called Joaquin called me today to say that his client might be interested in a move to Liverpool. Have to say, I'm very angry that people are trying to unsettle Danny and Dioufy. Put the phone down on him. Lively training today though, and I would say Michael is about 67.4% sharp now. He'll be banging in the goals soon enough. Emile scored one as well, but started to cry when Steven said 'about time too'. I gave him a cuddle and he asked if he could come over for Dinner to discuss his future. Unfortunately, I have plans with the wife tonight, so I had to say no. He looked so sad.
FRIDAY. Let the boys relax today. The champions league will be decided soon, and I don't want my poor lambs mentally burnt out before the end of the season. Caught Jamie turning Sky sports on, and only just stopped him before everyone else saw. I can't have my boys listening to any of the nasty lies those 'news' channels churn out. A letter arrived today addressed to 'M. O'Neill'. Very strange indeed, but Rick said it must just be a fault with the postal system. Salif finally turned up for training, but spent most of the day sat in corner muttering to himself, and giggling. Steven says he's crazy, but I'm glad I bought him - a dressing room needs some character, and Salif lightens the place up a lot. Told the boys my team selection for tomorrow, and they were so supportive, all just silently agreeing with me. It's so nice to run a club with no dissent whatsoever. I've decided to give young Anthony's left foot another try tomorrow. He has the makings of an excellent left winger. Told the boys to get an early night in preparation for the big game tomorrow. Although I never like to focus too much on the opposition, I have told my boys to approach the game with total caution. They may be 4th from bottom, but I can see what talent they have, and they might even make a late surge for our precious, our champions league spot. We need to be focused. SATURDAY I cannot write anything today. I am so angry with that linesman. Emile came off the pitch in tears again. How are we supposed to progress if nobody will stop attacking my poor players?
Its long but well worth it!
Enjoy...
Subject: THE GARY NEVILLE DIARIES
Friday Put the cones out for Sir today and he glanced at me. Made me feel special. He never looks at Phil like that. Told Mum and she said I have to share but that's not fair because I got to the cones first. Moustache looks a bit thicker today.
Saturday Won today but I didn't play :-( Watched MUTV all night to see whether Sir said he missed me. Am sure they edited it out. Hung out with Rio until he told me to 'go away innit'. Will tell Sir tomorrow. Deffo not a penalty today - gave that girl Boa Morte a nasty stare after the game to let him know that I know. Man in wheelchair laughed at my moustache. Cried myself to sleep.
Sunday Took Sir an apple. But Weasley :-) gave him a bottle of red wine so he'll probably play on Tuesday. Creep. Went to Mum's for dinner but she tried to make me eat sprouts and then laughed when I banged my fists on the kitchen lino. She won't laugh again. Read Sir's book in bed. Coloured in moustache with marker. Looks manly.
Monday Rained at training. Marker wasn't permanent.
Tuesday (early) Playing tonight so was definitely worth washing bibs for Sir. Looked at papers and I was in them again! Will put in scrapbook. So glad said Porto don't act like men. Am really getting good at this mind games business. Photo on back of The Sun made my moustache look thin but Mum says it's just the ink. She says I look handsome.
Tuesday (late) Not fair. Not fair. Not fair. It was a goal and we should have won and someone pushed me and someone tried to hurt Ronaldo and the girls dived on the floor and the referee blew the whistle before we could score and they celebrated in front of OUR fans and that made me so angry but I had to go and tell the TV that they deserved it (they didn't and I had my fingers crossed. Ha!). It's just not fair because we're the best team in the whole wide world. Have given Philip a Chinese burn for that free-kick and told Sir to sell him.
Wednesday Sir not happy today. He didn't even cheer up when I gave him my drawing. Wonder if he'll put it on his fridge with the others? Saw a small boy laughing at me so held him down until he said that Manchester United were the best team in the whole wide world. Feel better now. Bought some Re-Gane and put on top lip. Can't wait until the morning to see my bushy, manly 'tache.
Thursday Phoned David to ask him to ask Elton about hair transplants. He said he was, "too busy preparing for the quarter-finals of the Champions League". Am going to tell Sir and then I'm going to fly to Spain and then hold him down until he says that Manchester United are the best team in the whole wide world. And I'm going to take back the Man United sovereign ring I sent him for Christmas. Update: Mum says I can't go to Spain.
Monday Still can't believe he sent those text messages to yukky girls too. Everyone knows girls smell. Have been crying every night for a week. Told Mum it was Phil's fault and she made him stand in the corner. Even when his wife was there. Ha. Still got one text message from him. The special one - 'I'm going to hold you down and **** your *******'. Later: Have looked in Mum's crossword dictionary. Thicko spelt 'shave' and 'moustache' wrong.
Tuesday "And the ball falls to the brilliant Gary Neville with his lovely thick moustache and he makes no mistake and lashes home the ball. The crowd go wild - there's nobody these Old Trafford fans love more than Gary Neville...And there's Sir Alex Ferguson with a tear in his eye. He loves Gary and his thick moustache like a son..." Sir even patted me on the back and said 'Well done, Phil'. Bet Rebecca 'Stinky' Loos(ha) couldn't score against Leicester.
Wednesday Gave Sir the tea cosy I knitted to match the doilies. Think he liked it because I saw him smile when he showed it to Keano. Maybe I should do one for him too. In green :-) Then maybe he won't tie my shoelaces together again :-( Went to Mum's for tea. Ran the length of the kitchen to appeal her decision to let Phil lick out the cake bowl. Made Mum cry but at least I got to lick out the bowl! Moustache definitely looks thicker today.
Thursday Said 'howdy' to Tim in training and he told me to '****ing **** off you little ****'. Said 'yo' to Rio and he said exactly the same. Maybe this Tourettes thing is spreading. Would tell Sir but think he's got it too. Saw 'Stinky' Loos on TV. She looks really smelly. Tried to draw a little moustache (not mustach, thicko) on her face but she kept moving. Update: This marker was permanent. Mum says I need to buy her a new TV.
Friday Not fair, not fair, not fair. Graham Poll is in the papers saying I'm a diver but Mum says I can't call The Sun and say he's got a big bum. It's not fair because he started it. And he has got a big bum.
Saturday "And the ball falls to the brilliant Gary Neville with his lovely thick moustache and he tries an audacious overhead kick. Is nothing beyond the talents of Old Trafford's favourite son? But a cheating, handballing nobody who plays for a nothing team pushes the ball over the bar to deny brave Neville, his thick moustache and the greatest team in the whole wide world yet another goal..." The referee didn't crack like Mum did. He didn't even cry. Gave Matt 'Who?' Taylor my nastiest glare after the game. And then I saw his Mum and glared at her too. His Dad was bigger than me so stopped there.
Sunday There's another yukky girl in the papers telling yukky stories about how yukky David made her feel so yucking special. How can he do this to me? Watched a programme about skin grafts - they take the skin from a place that nobody sees and put it in the place where you need the skin. Has given me an idea about thickening my moustache...
Following on from Gary Neville........
Gerard Houllier's diary.................................. SUNDAY: Spent the morning reading the reports of yesterday's game. Wild overexaggeration, as always. Cannot for the life of me understand the phrases they throw at me. What is this nonsense about consistency? Workrate? Goals? Made a note to tell the press that these are exactly the attributes I have instilled in my team. Once I point it out to them, I'm sure they'll see what I mean. At least the real fans are with me. They know what I'm trying to achieve here. Received a phonecall from Kirky. Apparently, he broke his thumb on the TV remote last night. Have told him not to worry. His England chance will Come eventually. Caught Salif rummaging through my bins again. Tried to grab him, but he ran away. Seemed to be giggling uncontrollably.
MONDAY: Dioufy rang in first thing. He says he's too busy to train today. I'm a little disappointed, but he's promised that his performance won't Be affected. The boys played some five-a-side, and all looked very sharp. Milan hit the back of the net with every shot, and I've promised him that, as long as he works hard on his tackling, I'll find a position in the team for him shortly. Emile gave me a nice chocolate bar after training. He told me he was worried about his lack of goals in training. I gave him a big cuddle, and he left smiling. I'm so proud of my boys.
TUESDAY Dioufy rang in first thing. Apparently he is feeling a bit sick, so he can't come in. It must be bad, I'm sure I could hear the voices of two nurses in the background. Told the boys to practice their penalties in training today. Steven hit the target every time. He'll make useful back-up if ever Michael is injured. Followed that with some endurance running. It's amazing how fit these players are, almost as if they hadn't put in any effort in the last match. Unfortunately, Danny didn't complete the course after running into a letterbox. Says he didn't see it at all, which is a little confusing. I'm hopeful he'll be OK for the match on Saturday though. Gave the boys a tactical lesson in the afternoon. It's a pleasure to see their brows so furrowed in concentration. Devised a cunning ploy to confuse the opposition. Have told Sami to kick the ball long to Emile, and Emile to bluff defences by NOT jumping for it. In the ensuing confusion, it'll be easy for Michael to nip in and grab a goal. Everyone else seems to be having trouble grasping the concept, but Emile just smiled at me, to show he understands. I can always rely on Emile.
WEDNESDAY. Dioufy can't make it again. He says he is still suffering from a virus, but that he's thinking about the game at all times. I really do admire that boy's attitude. Some of the boys requested that we do some work on corners and free kicks today, but I told them that, at this stage in their progression, it is far more important to work on our fluidity. So, instead, we staged a full practice match and I discovered not only that Danny has the makings of a world class centre half, but also that Djimi, with his raw pace, might be worth a try on the wing some day. Have made a note of it, maybe to Try in the Uefa cup next season. Phil returned from his scouting trip today. I'm saving the club so much namley by only using the Eurostar for these excursions, I just know Rick will be pleased. Phil tells me he's seen an exciting player in a match between Monaco and St. Etienne. Etienne lost 6-1, but apparently they have a young midfielder with a tough tackle, and an eye for a pass. Could be the next Patrick Vieira. I've sent Phil back straightaway to see how many positions the lad can play. I've a feeling he might be useful back-up for Dioufy. Caught Stephanie looking at me darkly today. You'd think that since I a the only manager to ever put him in his natural position, he'd be a little more grateful. Got home to find a big bouquet of flowers on my doorstep, from 'E'. Have no idea who this might be, but they've brightened the place up much more than those dusty pictures of Zinedine. He never calls anymore.
THURSDAY. Still no sign of Salif, although I'm sure I saw him running through the background on the news last night, wearing that underwear I'm missing. Got a phonecall from police in Spain to say that they found Dioufy asleep in a car park in Barcelona. Looks like he's been out there for the whole week clubbing. I have to say, I'm a little disappointed with his attitude, but I know it's out of character, and when I see him I'll let him know that his place in the squad is safe. I always expected him to reach a plateau about now anyway. An agent representing someone called Joaquin called me today to say that his client might be interested in a move to Liverpool. Have to say, I'm very angry that people are trying to unsettle Danny and Dioufy. Put the phone down on him. Lively training today though, and I would say Michael is about 67.4% sharp now. He'll be banging in the goals soon enough. Emile scored one as well, but started to cry when Steven said 'about time too'. I gave him a cuddle and he asked if he could come over for Dinner to discuss his future. Unfortunately, I have plans with the wife tonight, so I had to say no. He looked so sad.
FRIDAY. Let the boys relax today. The champions league will be decided soon, and I don't want my poor lambs mentally burnt out before the end of the season. Caught Jamie turning Sky sports on, and only just stopped him before everyone else saw. I can't have my boys listening to any of the nasty lies those 'news' channels churn out. A letter arrived today addressed to 'M. O'Neill'. Very strange indeed, but Rick said it must just be a fault with the postal system. Salif finally turned up for training, but spent most of the day sat in corner muttering to himself, and giggling. Steven says he's crazy, but I'm glad I bought him - a dressing room needs some character, and Salif lightens the place up a lot. Told the boys my team selection for tomorrow, and they were so supportive, all just silently agreeing with me. It's so nice to run a club with no dissent whatsoever. I've decided to give young Anthony's left foot another try tomorrow. He has the makings of an excellent left winger. Told the boys to get an early night in preparation for the big game tomorrow. Although I never like to focus too much on the opposition, I have told my boys to approach the game with total caution. They may be 4th from bottom, but I can see what talent they have, and they might even make a late surge for our precious, our champions league spot. We need to be focused. SATURDAY I cannot write anything today. I am so angry with that linesman. Emile came off the pitch in tears again. How are we supposed to progress if nobody will stop attacking my poor players?
SUNDAY Spent the morning reading the reports of yesterday's game. Wild overexaggeration, as always. Cannot for the life of me underst... [reply] [Complain about this post]
Diaries Found! spencer pritchard - 40th post - 21 Apr 2004 13:35
Subject: THE GARY NEVILLE DIARIES
Friday Put the cones out for Sir today and he glanced at me. Made me feel special. He never looks at Phil like that. Told Mum and she said I have to share but that's not fair because I got to the cones first. Moustache looks a bit thicker today.
Saturday Won today but I didn't play :-( Watched MUTV all night to see whether Sir said he missed me. Am sure they edited it out. Hung out with Rio until he told me to 'go away innit'. Will tell Sir tomorrow. Deffo not a penalty today - gave that girl Boa Morte a nasty stare after the game to let him know that I know. Man in wheelchair laughed at my moustache. Cried myself to sleep.
Sunday Took Sir an apple. But Weasley :-) gave him a bottle of red wine so he'll probably play on Tuesday. Creep. Went to Mum's for dinner but she tried to make me eat sprouts and then laughed when I banged my fists on the kitchen lino. She won't laugh again. Read Sir's book in bed. Coloured in moustache with marker. Looks manly.
Monday Rained at training. Marker wasn't permanent.
Tuesday (early) Playing tonight so was definitely worth washing bibs for Sir. Looked at papers and I was in them again! Will put in scrapbook. So glad said Porto don't act like men. Am really getting good at this mind games business. Photo on back of The Sun made my moustache look thin but Mum says it's just the ink. She says I look handsome.
Tuesday (late) Not fair. Not fair. Not fair. It was a goal and we should have won and someone pushed me and someone tried to hurt Ronaldo and the girls dived on the floor and the referee blew the whistle before we could score and they celebrated in front of OUR fans and that made me so angry but I had to go and tell the TV that they deserved it (they didn't and I had my fingers crossed. Ha!). It's just not fair because we're the best team in the whole wide world. Have given Philip a Chinese burn for that free-kick and told Sir to sell him.
Wednesday Sir not happy today. He didn't even cheer up when I gave him my drawing. Wonder if he'll put it on his fridge with the others? Saw a small boy laughing at me so held him down until he said that Manchester United were the best team in the whole wide world. Feel better now. Bought some Re-Gane and put on top lip. Can't wait until the morning to see my bushy, manly 'tache.
Thursday Phoned David to ask him to ask Elton about hair transplants. He said he was, "too busy preparing for the quarter-finals of the Champions League". Am going to tell Sir and then I'm going to fly to Spain and then hold him down until he says that Manchester United are the best team in the whole wide world. And I'm going to take back the Man United sovereign ring I sent him for Christmas. Update: Mum says I can't go to Spain.
Monday Still can't believe he sent those text messages to yukky girls too. Everyone knows girls smell. Have been crying every night for a week. Told Mum it was Phil's fault and she made him stand in the corner. Even when his wife was there. Ha. Still got one text message from him. The special one - 'I'm going to hold you down and **** your *******'. Later: Have looked in Mum's crossword dictionary. Thicko spelt 'shave' and 'moustache' wrong.
Tuesday "And the ball falls to the brilliant Gary Neville with his lovely thick moustache and he makes no mistake and lashes home the ball. The crowd go wild - there's nobody these Old Trafford fans love more than Gary Neville...And there's Sir Alex Ferguson with a tear in his eye. He loves Gary and his thick moustache like a son..." Sir even patted me on the back and said 'Well done, Phil'. Bet Rebecca 'Stinky' Loos(ha) couldn't score against Leicester.
Wednesday Gave Sir the tea cosy I knitted to match the doilies. Think he liked it because I saw him smile when he showed it to Keano. Maybe I should do one for him too. In green :-) Then maybe he won't tie my shoelaces together again :-( Went to Mum's for tea. Ran the length of the kitchen to appeal her decision to let Phil lick out the cake bowl. Made Mum cry but at least I got to lick out the bowl! Moustache definitely looks thicker today.
Thursday Said 'howdy' to Tim in training and he told me to '****ing **** off you little ****'. Said 'yo' to Rio and he said exactly the same. Maybe this Tourettes thing is spreading. Would tell Sir but think he's got it too. Saw 'Stinky' Loos on TV. She looks really smelly. Tried to draw a little moustache (not mustach, thicko) on her face but she kept moving. Update: This marker was permanent. Mum says I need to buy her a new TV.
Friday Not fair, not fair, not fair. Graham Poll is in the papers saying I'm a diver but Mum says I can't call The Sun and say he's got a big bum. It's not fair because he started it. And he has got a big bum.
Saturday "And the ball falls to the brilliant Gary Neville with his lovely thick moustache and he tries an audacious overhead kick. Is nothing beyond the talents of Old Trafford's favourite son? But a cheating, handballing nobody who plays for a nothing team pushes the ball over the bar to deny brave Neville, his thick moustache and the greatest team in the whole wide world yet another goal..." The referee didn't crack like Mum did. He didn't even cry. Gave Matt 'Who?' Taylor my nastiest glare after the game. And then I saw his Mum and glared at her too. His Dad was bigger than me so stopped there.
Sunday There's another yukky girl in the papers telling yukky stories about how yukky David made her feel so yucking special. How can he do this to me? Watched a programme about skin grafts - they take the skin from a place that nobody sees and put it in the place where you need the skin. Has given me an idea about thickening my moustache...
Following on from Gary Neville........
Gerard Houllier's diary.................................. SUNDAY: Spent the morning reading the reports of yesterday's game. Wild overexaggeration, as always. Cannot for the life of me understand the phrases they throw at me. What is this nonsense about consistency? Workrate? Goals? Made a note to tell the press that these are exactly the attributes I have instilled in my team. Once I point it out to them, I'm sure they'll see what I mean. At least the real fans are with me. They know what I'm trying to achieve here. Received a phonecall from Kirky. Apparently, he broke his thumb on the TV remote last night. Have told him not to worry. His England chance will Come eventually. Caught Salif rummaging through my bins again. Tried to grab him, but he ran away. Seemed to be giggling uncontrollably.
MONDAY: Dioufy rang in first thing. He says he's too busy to train today. I'm a little disappointed, but he's promised that his performance won't Be affected. The boys played some five-a-side, and all looked very sharp. Milan hit the back of the net with every shot, and I've promised him that, as long as he works hard on his tackling, I'll find a position in the team for him shortly. Emile gave me a nice chocolate bar after training. He told me he was worried about his lack of goals in training. I gave him a big cuddle, and he left smiling. I'm so proud of my boys.
TUESDAY Dioufy rang in first thing. Apparently he is feeling a bit sick, so he can't come in. It must be bad, I'm sure I could hear the voices of two nurses in the background. Told the boys to practice their penalties in training today. Steven hit the target every time. He'll make useful back-up if ever Michael is injured. Followed that with some endurance running. It's amazing how fit these players are, almost as if they hadn't put in any effort in the last match. Unfortunately, Danny didn't complete the course after running into a letterbox. Says he didn't see it at all, which is a little confusing. I'm hopeful he'll be OK for the match on Saturday though. Gave the boys a tactical lesson in the afternoon. It's a pleasure to see their brows so furrowed in concentration. Devised a cunning ploy to confuse the opposition. Have told Sami to kick the ball long to Emile, and Emile to bluff defences by NOT jumping for it. In the ensuing confusion, it'll be easy for Michael to nip in and grab a goal. Everyone else seems to be having trouble grasping the concept, but Emile just smiled at me, to show he understands. I can always rely on Emile.
WEDNESDAY. Dioufy can't make it again. He says he is still suffering from a virus, but that he's thinking about the game at all times. I really do admire that boy's attitude. Some of the boys requested that we do some work on corners and free kicks today, but I told them that, at this stage in their progression, it is far more important to work on our fluidity. So, instead, we staged a full practice match and I discovered not only that Danny has the makings of a world class centre half, but also that Djimi, with his raw pace, might be worth a try on the wing some day. Have made a note of it, maybe to Try in the Uefa cup next season. Phil returned from his scouting trip today. I'm saving the club so much namley by only using the Eurostar for these excursions, I just know Rick will be pleased. Phil tells me he's seen an exciting player in a match between Monaco and St. Etienne. Etienne lost 6-1, but apparently they have a young midfielder with a tough tackle, and an eye for a pass. Could be the next Patrick Vieira. I've sent Phil back straightaway to see how many positions the lad can play. I've a feeling he might be useful back-up for Dioufy. Caught Stephanie looking at me darkly today. You'd think that since I a the only manager to ever put him in his natural position, he'd be a little more grateful. Got home to find a big bouquet of flowers on my doorstep, from 'E'. Have no idea who this might be, but they've brightened the place up much more than those dusty pictures of Zinedine. He never calls anymore.
THURSDAY. Still no sign of Salif, although I'm sure I saw him running through the background on the news last night, wearing that underwear I'm missing. Got a phonecall from police in Spain to say that they found Dioufy asleep in a car park in Barcelona. Looks like he's been out there for the whole week clubbing. I have to say, I'm a little disappointed with his attitude, but I know it's out of character, and when I see him I'll let him know that his place in the squad is safe. I always expected him to reach a plateau about now anyway. An agent representing someone called Joaquin called me today to say that his client might be interested in a move to Liverpool. Have to say, I'm very angry that people are trying to unsettle Danny and Dioufy. Put the phone down on him. Lively training today though, and I would say Michael is about 67.4% sharp now. He'll be banging in the goals soon enough. Emile scored one as well, but started to cry when Steven said 'about time too'. I gave him a cuddle and he asked if he could come over for Dinner to discuss his future. Unfortunately, I have plans with the wife tonight, so I had to say no. He looked so sad.
FRIDAY. Let the boys relax today. The champions league will be decided soon, and I don't want my poor lambs mentally burnt out before the end of the season. Caught Jamie turning Sky sports on, and only just stopped him before everyone else saw. I can't have my boys listening to any of the nasty lies those 'news' channels churn out. A letter arrived today addressed to 'M. O'Neill'. Very strange indeed, but Rick said it must just be a fault with the postal system. Salif finally turned up for training, but spent most of the day sat in corner muttering to himself, and giggling. Steven says he's crazy, but I'm glad I bought him - a dressing room needs some character, and Salif lightens the place up a lot. Told the boys my team selection for tomorrow, and they were so supportive, all just silently agreeing with me. It's so nice to run a club with no dissent whatsoever. I've decided to give young Anthony's left foot another try tomorrow. He has the makings of an excellent left winger. Told the boys to get an early night in preparation for the big game tomorrow. Although I never like to focus too much on the opposition, I have told my boys to approach the game with total caution. They may be 4th from bottom, but I can see what talent they have, and they might even make a late surge for our precious, our champions league spot. We need to be focused. SATURDAY I cannot write anything today. I am so angry with that linesman. Emile came off the pitch in tears again. How are we supposed to progress if nobody will stop attacking my poor players?
SUNDAY Spent the morning reading the reports of yesterday's game. Wild overexaggeration, as always. Cannot for the life of me underst... [reply] [Complain about this post]
Diaries Found! spencer pritchard - 39th post - 21 Apr 2004 13:34
Subject: THE GARY NEVILLE DIARIES
Friday Put the cones out for Sir today and he glanced at me. Made me feel special. He never looks at Phil like that. Told Mum and she said I have to share but that's not fair because I got to the cones first. Moustache looks a bit thicker today.
Saturday Won today but I didn't play :-( Watched MUTV all night to see whether Sir said he missed me. Am sure they edited it out. Hung out with Rio until he told me to 'go away innit'. Will tell Sir tomorrow. Deffo not a penalty today - gave that girl Boa Morte a nasty stare after the game to let him know that I know. Man in wheelchair laughed at my moustache. Cried myself to sleep.
Sunday Took Sir an apple. But Weasley :-) gave him a bottle of red wine so he'll probably play on Tuesday. Creep. Went to Mum's for dinner but she tried to make me eat sprouts and then laughed when I banged my fists on the kitchen lino. She won't laugh again. Read Sir's book in bed. Coloured in moustache with marker. Looks manly.
Monday Rained at training. Marker wasn't permanent.
Tuesday (early) Playing tonight so was definitely worth washing bibs for Sir. Looked at papers and I was in them again! Will put in scrapbook. So glad said Porto don't act like men. Am really getting good at this mind games business. Photo on back of The Sun made my moustache look thin but Mum says it's just the ink. She says I look handsome.
Tuesday (late) Not fair. Not fair. Not fair. It was a goal and we should have won and someone pushed me and someone tried to hurt Ronaldo and the girls dived on the floor and the referee blew the whistle before we could score and they celebrated in front of OUR fans and that made me so angry but I had to go and tell the TV that they deserved it (they didn't and I had my fingers crossed. Ha!). It's just not fair because we're the best team in the whole wide world. Have given Philip a Chinese burn for that free-kick and told Sir to sell him.
Wednesday Sir not happy today. He didn't even cheer up when I gave him my drawing. Wonder if he'll put it on his fridge with the others? Saw a small boy laughing at me so held him down until he said that Manchester United were the best team in the whole wide world. Feel better now. Bought some Re-Gane and put on top lip. Can't wait until the morning to see my bushy, manly 'tache.
Thursday Phoned David to ask him to ask Elton about hair transplants. He said he was, "too busy preparing for the quarter-finals of the Champions League". Am going to tell Sir and then I'm going to fly to Spain and then hold him down until he says that Manchester United are the best team in the whole wide world. And I'm going to take back the Man United sovereign ring I sent him for Christmas. Update: Mum says I can't go to Spain.
Monday Still can't believe he sent those text messages to yukky girls too. Everyone knows girls smell. Have been crying every night for a week. Told Mum it was Phil's fault and she made him stand in the corner. Even when his wife was there. Ha. Still got one text message from him. The special one - 'I'm going to hold you down and **** your *******'. Later: Have looked in Mum's crossword dictionary. Thicko spelt 'shave' and 'moustache' wrong.
Tuesday "And the ball falls to the brilliant Gary Neville with his lovely thick moustache and he makes no mistake and lashes home the ball. The crowd go wild - there's nobody these Old Trafford fans love more than Gary Neville...And there's Sir Alex Ferguson with a tear in his eye. He loves Gary and his thick moustache like a son..." Sir even patted me on the back and said 'Well done, Phil'. Bet Rebecca 'Stinky' Loos(ha) couldn't score against Leicester.
Wednesday Gave Sir the tea cosy I knitted to match the doilies. Think he liked it because I saw him smile when he showed it to Keano. Maybe I should do one for him too. In green :-) Then maybe he won't tie my shoelaces together again :-( Went to Mum's for tea. Ran the length of the kitchen to appeal her decision to let Phil lick out the cake bowl. Made Mum cry but at least I got to lick out the bowl! Moustache definitely looks thicker today.
Thursday Said 'howdy' to Tim in training and he told me to '****ing **** off you little ****'. Said 'yo' to Rio and he said exactly the same. Maybe this Tourettes thing is spreading. Would tell Sir but think he's got it too. Saw 'Stinky' Loos on TV. She looks really smelly. Tried to draw a little moustache (not mustach, thicko) on her face but she kept moving. Update: This marker was permanent. Mum says I need to buy her a new TV.
Friday Not fair, not fair, not fair. Graham Poll is in the papers saying I'm a diver but Mum says I can't call The Sun and say he's got a big bum. It's not fair because he started it. And he has got a big bum.
Saturday "And the ball falls to the brilliant Gary Neville with his lovely thick moustache and he tries an audacious overhead kick. Is nothing beyond the talents of Old Trafford's favourite son? But a cheating, handballing nobody who plays for a nothing team pushes the ball over the bar to deny brave Neville, his thick moustache and the greatest team in the whole wide world yet another goal..." The referee didn't crack like Mum did. He didn't even cry. Gave Matt 'Who?' Taylor my nastiest glare after the game. And then I saw his Mum and glared at her too. His Dad was bigger than me so stopped there.
Sunday There's another yukky girl in the papers telling yukky stories about how yukky David made her feel so yucking special. How can he do this to me? Watched a programme about skin grafts - they take the skin from a place that nobody sees and put it in the place where you need the skin. Has given me an idea about thickening my moustache...
Following on from Gary Neville........
Gerard Houllier's diary.................................. SUNDAY: Spent the morning reading the reports of yesterday's game. Wild overexaggeration, as always. Cannot for the life of me understand the phrases they throw at me. What is this nonsense about consistency? Workrate? Goals? Made a note to tell the press that these are exactly the attributes I have instilled in my team. Once I point it out to them, I'm sure they'll see what I mean. At least the real fans are with me. They know what I'm trying to achieve here. Received a phonecall from Kirky. Apparently, he broke his thumb on the TV remote last night. Have told him not to worry. His England chance will Come eventually. Caught Salif rummaging through my bins again. Tried to grab him, but he ran away. Seemed to be giggling uncontrollably.
MONDAY: Dioufy rang in first thing. He says he's too busy to train today. I'm a little disappointed, but he's promised that his performance won't Be affected. The boys played some five-a-side, and all looked very sharp. Milan hit the back of the net with every shot, and I've promised him that, as long as he works hard on his tackling, I'll find a position in the team for him shortly. Emile gave me a nice chocolate bar after training. He told me he was worried about his lack of goals in training. I gave him a big cuddle, and he left smiling. I'm so proud of my boys.
TUESDAY Dioufy rang in first thing. Apparently he is feeling a bit sick, so he can't come in. It must be bad, I'm sure I could hear the voices of two nurses in the background. Told the boys to practice their penalties in training today. Steven hit the target every time. He'll make useful back-up if ever Michael is injured. Followed that with some endurance running. It's amazing how fit these players are, almost as if they hadn't put in any effort in the last match. Unfortunately, Danny didn't complete the course after running into a letterbox. Says he didn't see it at all, which is a little confusing. I'm hopeful he'll be OK for the match on Saturday though. Gave the boys a tactical lesson in the afternoon. It's a pleasure to see their brows so furrowed in concentration. Devised a cunning ploy to confuse the opposition. Have told Sami to kick the ball long to Emile, and Emile to bluff defences by NOT jumping for it. In the ensuing confusion, it'll be easy for Michael to nip in and grab a goal. Everyone else seems to be having trouble grasping the concept, but Emile just smiled at me, to show he understands. I can always rely on Emile.
WEDNESDAY. Dioufy can't make it again. He says he is still suffering from a virus, but that he's thinking about the game at all times. I really do admire that boy's attitude. Some of the boys requested that we do some work on corners and free kicks today, but I told them that, at this stage in their progression, it is far more important to work on our fluidity. So, instead, we staged a full practice match and I discovered not only that Danny has the makings of a world class centre half, but also that Djimi, with his raw pace, might be worth a try on the wing some day. Have made a note of it, maybe to Try in the Uefa cup next season. Phil returned from his scouting trip today. I'm saving the club so much namley by only using the Eurostar for these excursions, I just know Rick will be pleased. Phil tells me he's seen an exciting player in a match between Monaco and St. Etienne. Etienne lost 6-1, but apparently they have a young midfielder with a tough tackle, and an eye for a pass. Could be the next Patrick Vieira. I've sent Phil back straightaway to see how many positions the lad can play. I've a feeling he might be useful back-up for Dioufy. Caught Stephanie looking at me darkly today. You'd think that since I a the only manager to ever put him in his natural position, he'd be a little more grateful. Got home to find a big bouquet of flowers on my doorstep, from 'E'. Have no idea who this might be, but they've brightened the place up much more than those dusty pictures of Zinedine. He never calls anymore.
THURSDAY. Still no sign of Salif, although I'm sure I saw him running through the background on the news last night, wearing that underwear I'm missing. Got a phonecall from police in Spain to say that they found Dioufy asleep in a car park in Barcelona. Looks like he's been out there for the whole week clubbing. I have to say, I'm a little disappointed with his attitude, but I know it's out of character, and when I see him I'll let him know that his place in the squad is safe. I always expected him to reach a plateau about now anyway. An agent representing someone called Joaquin called me today to say that his client might be interested in a move to Liverpool. Have to say, I'm very angry that people are trying to unsettle Danny and Dioufy. Put the phone down on him. Lively training today though, and I would say Michael is about 67.4% sharp now. He'll be banging in the goals soon enough. Emile scored one as well, but started to cry when Steven said 'about time too'. I gave him a cuddle and he asked if he could come over for Dinner to discuss his future. Unfortunately, I have plans with the wife tonight, so I had to say no. He looked so sad.
FRIDAY. Let the boys relax today. The champions league will be decided soon, and I don't want my poor lambs mentally burnt out before the end of the season. Caught Jamie turning Sky sports on, and only just stopped him before everyone else saw. I can't have my boys listening to any of the nasty lies those 'news' channels churn out. A letter arrived today addressed to 'M. O'Neill'. Very strange indeed, but Rick said it must just be a fault with the postal system. Salif finally turned up for training, but spent most of the day sat in corner muttering to himself, and giggling. Steven says he's crazy, but I'm glad I bought him - a dressing room needs some character, and Salif lightens the place up a lot. Told the boys my team selection for tomorrow, and they were so supportive, all just silently agreeing with me. It's so nice to run a club with no dissent whatsoever. I've decided to give young Anthony's left foot another try tomorrow. He has the makings of an excellent left winger. Told the boys to get an early night in preparation for the big game tomorrow. Although I never like to focus too much on the opposition, I have told my boys to approach the game with total caution. They may be 4th from bottom, but I can see what talent they have, and they might even make a late surge for our precious, our champions league spot. We need to be focused. SATURDAY I cannot write anything today. I am so angry with that linesman. Emile came off the pitch in tears again. How are we supposed to progress if nobody will stop attacking my poor players?
I know four scouser's who support Everton!
OK here goes no doubt it will get grondied
*********************************************
Yuppers, even though it was a funny Easter joke, it is gone! Sorry.
OK here goes no doubt it will get grondied
*********************************************
Yuppers, even though it was a funny Easter joke, it is gone! Sorry. Poo I've been grondied again. Can I actually publish any of my jokes on here?
Sure you can Ross, though it's darned hard to tell a joke that's clean and doesn't offend some nationality, religion, gender, profession, sports team, political party, or race. Shucks, we shouldn't even allow 'dumb blonde' jokes, but the ones the jokes are about are too dumb to know the difference and the other blondes are too smart to be offended by the mere likes of us. Now we might have a problem, if we said "All dumb blondes are female ...", but they know that isn't the case, so I guess I'll rest my case. 
OK, it's not a joke but it made me laugh......
Mary had a little lamb,
She tied it to a pylon,
A thousand volts went up it's bum,
And turned it's wool to nylon!
Mary had a little lamb,
She tied it to a pylon,
A thousand volts went up it's bum,
And turned it's wool to nylon!
Not exactly a joke but found this the other day and it made me laugh, lyrics are not my own but belong to a guy called Minto, this is his work but kudos to him, I liked it!!
REAL DEAD RINGERS
(to the tune of Dead Ringer for Love by Meatloaf)
( Aragorn sings)
Ever since I can remember, I've been hangin' round this joint-
Bom a shooby wabba, bom a shooby wabba-
Then a bunch of hobbits show up and the story's reached the point
Bom a shooby wabba, bom a shooby wabba-
When strangers start a talking, arousing Frodo's fears
He rushes over to 'em and he goes an' disappears!
Frodo Frodo Frodo Frodo
Whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do?
Ringwraiths are a- ridin', an they're comin' after you! (repeat)
Oh, Sam , I know that you don't trust me, and it's Frodo that you're thinkin' of...
But get him out of here before the Real Dead Ringers come, Guv!
These dudes ride horses and they dress up in black,
They're all tooled up with weapons and they want to attack.
Sauron, he knows that you got his ring.
Nothin' he won't do to get his hands on that thing.
So just listen up, hobbits, now here's what to do,
We gotta move fast, 'cause they're comin' for you!
The Ring that we have, has a kind of attraction
And if them geezers show up, you'll see plenty of action!
Ever since I was a kiddy I just wanted to be king
But my sword, well it got busted, and I couldn't find the Ring.
But now we have the One Ring we have got the drop on Mordor.
So let's go see the elves and get my blade in working order!
Yeah , we gotta get past them riders, we gotta beat em fair & square,
Cos I know who they are, they're all REAL dead Ringers, oh yeah!
REAL DEAD RINGERS
(to the tune of Dead Ringer for Love by Meatloaf)
( Aragorn sings)
Ever since I can remember, I've been hangin' round this joint-
Bom a shooby wabba, bom a shooby wabba-
Then a bunch of hobbits show up and the story's reached the point
Bom a shooby wabba, bom a shooby wabba-
When strangers start a talking, arousing Frodo's fears
He rushes over to 'em and he goes an' disappears!
Frodo Frodo Frodo Frodo
Whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do?
Ringwraiths are a- ridin', an they're comin' after you! (repeat)
Oh, Sam , I know that you don't trust me, and it's Frodo that you're thinkin' of...
But get him out of here before the Real Dead Ringers come, Guv!
These dudes ride horses and they dress up in black,
They're all tooled up with weapons and they want to attack.
Sauron, he knows that you got his ring.
Nothin' he won't do to get his hands on that thing.
So just listen up, hobbits, now here's what to do,
We gotta move fast, 'cause they're comin' for you!
The Ring that we have, has a kind of attraction
And if them geezers show up, you'll see plenty of action!
Ever since I was a kiddy I just wanted to be king
But my sword, well it got busted, and I couldn't find the Ring.
But now we have the One Ring we have got the drop on Mordor.
So let's go see the elves and get my blade in working order!
Yeah , we gotta get past them riders, we gotta beat em fair & square,
Cos I know who they are, they're all REAL dead Ringers, oh yeah!
For those of you not familiar with the Darwin awards, they are awarded annually for the most extreme acts of (occasionally terminal) stupidity - they are now in for 2003:
not sure if it quilified for this years but
A robber threw a brick at a atm machine brick bounced back, hit man's forehead, man tried to examine it on the video screen
not sure if it quilified for this years but
A robber threw a brick at a atm machine brick bounced back, hit man's forehead, man tried to examine it on the video screen
i've got a joke.
I'm sane!
LOLOLOJLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm sane!
LOLOLOJLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What's so funny about stating the obvious? OOPS! I read Loni's post wrong, she said she was sane. Sure she is.
Carrying on with Vee's thread
Mary had a little Lamb,
she also called it Ralf,
But now it's burning in a field,
Because of foot and mouth!
*********
Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was slightly grey,
It didn't have a father, just some borrowed DNA.
It sort of had a mother, though the ovum was on loan,
It's not so much a lambkin, as a little lamby clone.
And soon it had a fellow clone, and soon it had some more,
They followed her to school one day, all cramming through the door.
It made the children laugh and sing, and thrilled them to the soul,
But there were just too many clones, for Mary to control.
No one else could herd the sheep, their imprints didn't vary,
The cloners sought to fix it up, by simply cloning Mary.
So clone they did, and Newsweek said it was extraordinary,
But now they don't know what to do, with Mary, Mary, Mary...
Mary had a little Lamb,
she also called it Ralf,
But now it's burning in a field,
Because of foot and mouth!
*********
Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was slightly grey,
It didn't have a father, just some borrowed DNA.
It sort of had a mother, though the ovum was on loan,
It's not so much a lambkin, as a little lamby clone.
And soon it had a fellow clone, and soon it had some more,
They followed her to school one day, all cramming through the door.
It made the children laugh and sing, and thrilled them to the soul,
But there were just too many clones, for Mary to control.
No one else could herd the sheep, their imprints didn't vary,
The cloners sought to fix it up, by simply cloning Mary.
So clone they did, and Newsweek said it was extraordinary,
But now they don't know what to do, with Mary, Mary, Mary...
why did the dead baby cross the road?
Ha! It was stapled to the chicken!!!
LOL!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Ha! It was stapled to the chicken!!!
LOL!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Quote:
What's so funny about stating the obvious?
OOPS! I read Loni's post wrong, she said she was sane. Sure she is.
What's so funny about stating the obvious?
OOPS! I read Loni's post wrong, she said she was sane. Sure she is.
Hey! You're supposed to laugh. Someone laugh. Anyone. Anyone!!!!!!!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH
AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Hardy Har Har
Do ya wanna hear a dirty joke?
**A little boy fell in a mud puddle
Wanna hear a clean one?
**He went home and took a bath
And here's a joke i got off of theonering.net:
Do ya wanna hear a dirty joke?
**A little boy fell in a mud puddle
Wanna hear a clean one?
**He went home and took a bath
And here's a joke i got off of theonering.net:
Quote:
’There was an archery contest in Lothlorien and all the great archers were there. The 1st one comes up and fires his arrow right in the apple on top of an elf head and says:
-I'm Legolas!!!
The 2nd one comes and fires his arrow...he splits the 1st arrow in half and says:
-I'm Thranduil
Another comes and shoots the elf under the apple and says:
-I'm...sorry!!!
’There was an archery contest in Lothlorien and all the great archers were there. The 1st one comes up and fires his arrow right in the apple on top of an elf head and says:
-I'm Legolas!!!
The 2nd one comes and fires his arrow...he splits the 1st arrow in half and says:
-I'm Thranduil
Another comes and shoots the elf under the apple and says:
-I'm...sorry!!!
